Original subtitles

LOOK AT THIS JUNK.

EVER SINCE WE'VE BEEN DOING RICH PEOPLE STUFF,

WE'VE BEEN GETTING RICH PEOPLE MAIL.

SO WHAT IS THAT,

A CAR PHONE ANSWERING MACHINE?

NOW, THAT, I THINK, SOUNDS KIND OF GOOD.

SO, WHAT? "I CAN'T TAKE YOUR CALL. I'M IN THE HOUSE."

DO YOU HAVE ANY INTEREST IN THAT?

NO. NO MORE MARIE OSMOND DOLLS

UNTIL I'VE TOTALLY PAID OFF MY JOAN RIVERS JEWELRY.

WHOA. CHECK OUT THE HEFT ON THAT PAPER.

IT'S THICKER THAN THE PANELING IN D.J.'s ROOM.

WHAT WE GOT THERE?

OH, LOOK AT THIS.

"DEAR FUTURE FRIEND, YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED

"TO ATTEND A MEMBERS-ONLY LUNCHEON

AT THE EXCLUSIVE LANFORD COUNTRY CLUB."

WE'VE ARRIVED!

"YOUR PRESENCE IS GREATLY ANTICIPATED."

LOOK AT THIS. LOOK AT THAT.

THE LETTERS ARE RAISED.

IT'S LIKE THEY PUNCHED IT OUT FROM THE BACK!

THIS IS THE LANFORD ELITE!

WHAT AM I GONNA WEAR? WHA-WHA-WHA... HOW...

HOW AM I GONNA MOVE?

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

WE'VE WINED AND DINED WITH THE RICH AND FAMOUS, REMEMBER?

WE WERE ON THE VINEYARD WITH THE WENTWORTHS THERE.

WE HOBNOBBED WITH HIGH SOCIETY OVER IN NEW YORK.

YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'LL JUST WALK RIGHT IN THERE

WITH OUR HEADS HELD JUST HIGH ENOUGH

TO LOOK DOWN OUR NOSES.

YEAH, AND WHAT YOU DO, YOU JUST KEEP REACHING FOR THE COCKTAILS,

YOU TALK ABOUT FOREIGN AFFAIRS...

SPECIFICALLY, LIKE, THE CASTE SYSTEM OVER THERE IN INDIA...

AND YOU JUST GRIPE HOW YOU CAN'T FIND NO GOOD HELP.

I CAN DO THAT!

SURE YOU CAN. IT'S SIMPLE.

FORKS TO THE LEFT, POLITICS TO THE RIGHT.

♪ IF WHAT DOESN'T KILL US IS MAKING US STRONGER ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA LAST LONGER ♪

♪ THAN THE GREATEST WALL IN CHINA ♪

♪ OR THAT RABBIT WITH A DRUM ♪

♪ IF THERE'S ONE THING THAT I'VE LEARNED ♪

♪ WHILE WAITING FOR MY TURN ♪

♪ IT'S THAT IN EACH LIFE SOME RAIN FALLS ♪

♪ BUT YOU ALSO GET SOME SUN ♪

♪ AND WE'LL MAKE OUT BETTER THAN OK ♪

♪ HEAR WHAT I SAY ♪

♪ YEAH, ANY DAY ♪

THIS IS JUST LIKE THE OLD DAYS, ROSEANNE...

YOU AND ME GETTING ALL DRESSED UP, READY TO GO OUT.

YEAH. YOU WANT ME TO HAND YOU A HANDFUL OF KLEENEX

SO YOU CAN STUFF YOUR BRA?

LOOK...

JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE BLESSED WITH ENOUGH TO FEED AN ARMY,

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO MAKE FUN OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE.

SO, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT THAT THE KIDS

ARE VISITING DAN IN THAT HOTEL ROOM TODAY?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

I'LL INTERROGATE THEM UNDER THE HOT LIGHTS LATER.

SURE IS PEACEFUL.

YEAH, AND WITH THAT TOILET RUNNING,

IT KIND OF REMINDS ME OF YELLOWSTONE.

OK. MY LEFT HAND LOOKS GOOD,

BUT MY RIGHT HAND LOOKS LIKE I DID IT

WITH MY LEFT HAND, WHICH I DID.

I'LL FINISH IT. I AM SO EXCITED

ABOUT GOING TO THE COUNTRY CLUB TODAY.

IT'S NOT LIKE WHEN WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL

AND WE USED TO STAND OUT FRONT THERE

SELLING THEM BACK THEIR OWN GOLF BALLS.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S WHEN WE WERE FROM

THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS,

BUT NOW, THANKS TO THE WISE INVESTMENT OF ONE DOLLAR,

WE'RE FROM THE RIGHT SIDE.

YOU ARE SO CALM. AREN'T YOU EVEN A LITTLE BIT EXCITED?

WELL, MAYBE.

MY STOMACH'S ALL NERVOUS.

MY STOMACH'S FINE. IT'S MY BIG MOUTH THAT FRIGHTENS ME.

I HAVEN'T EATEN! THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

I'M GONNA MAKE MYSELF A SNACK.

YOU WANT SOMETHING?

ARE YOU CRAZY?

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THESE PEOPLE ARE GONNA SEE ME.

I WANNA LOOK MY BEST.

I'M GONNA BE SQUEEZING MY ASS INTO A SIZE 10 PANTS.

ROSEANNE, YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO BREATHE.

YOU JUST KEEP ME AWAY FROM THAT BUFFET TABLE, OK?

AND PRAY THAT THERE IS NO CELERY STUFFED WITH PEANUT BUTTER.

DO YOU THINK OUR CROOKED MAYOR'S GONNA BE THERE?

YEAH. I THINK HE'S GOT AT LEAST A 10-MILE RADIUS

ON THAT LITTLE ANKLE BRACELET.

DO YOU THINK SOME OF OUR OLD BOSSES WILL BE THERE?

THE WELLMANS? WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO, 'CAUSE IT'S SATURDAY,

AND SATURDAYS ARE "FLOG THE WORKER DAY."

WHAT IF WE RUN INTO MRS. TATE OF THE "LUMBER LORD" TATES?

OR THAT BARNES GUY THAT HAS THE WHOLE CHAIN OF SUPERMARKETS?

YEAH, AND HIS GOLD DIGGER WIFE, I'M SURE SHE'LL BE THERE,

'CAUSE IT'S AN OPEN BAR.

ROSEANNE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

OH, MY GOD. WHAT? WE MIGHT...

WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO MEET THE POULTRY KING.

RELAX, JACKIE. HE'S JUST LIKE US.

HE PUTS HIS JACKET ON ONE WING AT A TIME.

HELLO. I'M BILLINGTON FRESMOND,

THE MEMBERSHIP COMMITTEE CHAIRMAN.

WELCOME TO THE LANFORD COUNTRY CLUB.

I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT TODAY, MRS. CONNER.

OH, WELL, THANK YOU, BILLINGTON.

LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY SISTER JACKIE.

HELLO. IT'S YEAH, VERY NICE... THAT'S NICE.

LET ME TELL YOU, IF I MAY...

ABOUT ALL OF OUR FACILITIES.

IN ADDITION TO OUR 18-HOLE GOLF COURSE,

WE HAVE 4 TENNIS COURTS WITH LIGHTS FOR NIGHT PLAYING,

WE HAVE AN INDOOR OLYMPIC-SIZE SWIMMING POOL,

AND A FULLY EQUIPPED EXERCISE ROOM, OR SO I'M TOLD.

IN ADDITION, WE HAVE LANFORD'S FINEST GOURMET RESTAURANT.

THEY CATER ALL OF OUR LUNCHEONS.

SO, WHAT, YOU GET A FREE CASE OF VEAL

EVERY TIME YOU SIGN UP A NEW MEMBER?

WELL, MY SISTER'S QUITE THE KIDDER, YOU KNOW...

ENJOY EVERYTHING YOU CAN IN THE WELLMAN ROOM.

THE WELLMAN ROOM. JEEZ, AFTER ALL THOSE YEARS

OF SLAVING AWAY IN HIS FACTORY,

NOW WE HAVE TO EAT IN A ROOM THAT HAS HIS NAME?

AND LOOK, THE OLD MAN'S JUST GONNA BE LOOKING AT US ALL NIGHT.

TO THIS DAY, I CANNOT LOOK UP

AT THE OLD WELLMAN PLACE ON THE HILL

WITHOUT CHILLS RUNNING DOWN MY SPINE.

REMEMBER WHEN WE WERE LITTLE

AND WE USED TO SAY ALL THE SHADOWS UP THERE

WERE THE GHOSTS OF ALL THE CHILDREN WHO DISAPPEARED?

THAT IS BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KRANE TWINS!

THEY WENT IN THAT HOUSE AND NEVER CAME OUT!

OHH! JACKIE, COME ON. THEY MOVED TO SCOTTSDALE.

YEAH, YEAH. SURE THEY DID.

HA!

HA HA HA HA HA!

THAT'S MRS. BARNES OVER THERE.

LOOK. SHE'S TOTALLY SMASHED.

[SLURRING WORDS] SO I MADE HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS

BUY ME A MINK COAT TO MAKE UP

FOR GETTING ME THE WRONG STINKING CARTIER WATCH.

DIDN'T I?

SO I GUESS SHE WON'T BE DONATING ANY BLOOD TODAY.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

AREN'T YOU, UH, JACKIE HARRIS?

JACKIE HARRIS, YES. I'M JACKIE HARRIS.

I THOUGHT SO!

YOU AND HER ARE THE ONES

THAT USED TO STEAL THE GOLF BALLS!

WE'LL BE MOVING ON.

HELLO! I AM MRS. JACK TATE.

JACK TATE, AS IN THE "LUMBER LORD" TATES.

I AM SO HAPPY TO MEET YOU.

I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE NEWS OF YOUR GOOD FORTUNE.

YOU SEE, I'M NOT JUST MRS. LUMBER LORD.

I AM ALSO CHAIRMAN OF THE COMMITTEE FOR MORAL DECENCY.

YOU SEE, WE'VE BEEN WORKING VERY HARD

TO STOP EBONICS FROM INFECTING OUR SCHOOLS.

WHY? THAT'S THE ONE SHOT MY SON HAS OF BEING BILINGUAL.

WELL, HOPEFULLY WE CAN COUNT ON YOUR SUPPORT.

I'M SORRY, BUT MY CHARITY DOLLARS

ARE ALREADY EARMARKED FOR BAILING OUT DEATH ROW RECORDS.

OH, JEEZ! OH!

OH, MAN. OH, JEEZ! HERE I GO.

I'M SO SORRY. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

MRS. BARNES HAS BEEN SLAMMING INTO ME ALL AFTERNOON ANYWAY.

WE ENJOYING THE PARTY, ARE WE?

OH, YEAH. OH, WE SURE ARE.

WELL, GOOD TO SEE YOU DRESSED UP FOR IT, HUH?

NICE T-SHIRT THERE.

THE GAP.

OH, YEAH. ME, TOO.

SHARON STONE, YEAH. SHARON STONE.

OH, THIS IS SOME SHINDIG. EVEN THE MAYOR IS HERE.

OH, MY GOD. THERE IS THE MAYOR.

AND HE'S COMING OVER HERE.

TELL HIM YOU VOTED FOR HIM. I'M SURE HE'LL LOVE THAT.

HELLO, EDGAR. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN QUITE A WHILE.

MAYOR.

WELL, I JUST HAD TO COME OVER HERE

AND MEET ONE OF LANFORD'S LEADING CITIZENS.

ACTUALLY, YOU HAVE MET ME BEFORE, REMEMBER?

YOU CAME TO MY HOUSE SELLING AMWAY.

OH, WELL... I... I WAS...

I WAS, UH, JUST HELPING OUT THE WIFE ON THAT ONE.

YOU KNOW, FOR A CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION OF $10,000 OR MORE,

I CAN ARRANGE IT SO YOU CAN SIT 3 SEATS FROM THE PODIUM...

JUST 3... AT THE CITY COUNCIL.

COULD YOU SAY THAT AGAIN, MAYOR?

THIS LITTLE MICROPHONE DOESN'T PICK UP EVERYTHING REAL EASY.

D... UH... WH...

WILLIE!

NOW, THERE'S A HARD-WORKING MAN.

HE EVEN STUFFS HIS OWN BALLOT BOXES.

THERE. CHEERS.

OH, THANK YOU.

THIS TOWN JUST DOESN'T SEEM THE SAME TO ME,

BUT THEN I'VE BEEN GONE FOR A WHILE, TRAVELING...

OH, TRAVELING, YES.

WE'VE BEEN TRAVELING ABROAD.

WE HAVE BEEN TO...

ABROAD.

NEW YORK? NEW YORK...

Jackie: CITY.

WE WERE STUDYING THE CASTE SYSTEM.

YOU KNOW, OVER THERE IN INDIA.

UH-HUH.

OH, YEAH. THEY GOT A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE PROBLEM OVER THERE.

THEY DO, YEAH.

AND, UH...

AND IT'S SO HARD TO FIND GOOD HELP.

ISN'T IT, THOUGH? YEAH.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE LITTLE CLUBHOUSE HERE?

WELL, IT'S NOT TOO SHABBY,

EXCEPT FOR THE PICTURE OF OLD MAN WELLMAN HANGING OVER THERE.

LOOK AT THAT...

THAT KIND OF... YOU KNOW, INBRED, FERRET-FACED KIND OF...

BEADY-EYED, VEINY-NOSED, HAIRY-EARED,

KIND OF BAG O' NICKELS.

BAG O' NICKELS... I JUST MADE THAT UP.

I CAN'T... HOW COULD ANYBODY STARE AT HIM LONG ENOUGH TO PAINT A PICTURE?

HEY... HOW'D YOU LIKE TO MEET ONE OF HIS KIDS?

NO. THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO GO OUT DURING THE DAY.

THEY CAN'T BE IN THE SUN.

OH. WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

I'M EDGAR WELLMAN JR.

OHH!

HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT, LADIES.

IT'S PRE-SHRUNK. I'M FINE, I SWEAR. SIT DOWN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE EDGAR WELLMAN JR.

YES, MA'AM. I HOPE THAT DOESN'T RUIN YOUR WHOLE AFTERNOON.

WELL, WE JU... WE... UH, YOU KNOW...

HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT. HEY, CALM DOWN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T HEARD THIS STUFF BEFORE.

I'M JACKIE HARRIS. THIS IS MY SISTER ROSEANNE CONNER.

HI. YEAH, HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE, LIKE, SAILING BOATS OVER IN EUROPE

OR RACING CARS IN MONTE CARLO OR SOMETHING.

NO, THAT'S MY BROTHER.

SO YOU'RE THE ONE

THAT HAD HIS GRADUATION PARTY ON THE CONCORDE.

NO. THAT'S MY SISTER.

ACTUALLY, IT'S MY OTHER BROTHER,

BUT HE THINKS HE'S MY SISTER.

OH, MY GO... OH, GOD!

WELL, THAT MUST'VE MADE YOUR DAD'S HEAD SPIN.

NO, NOT REALLY. I WAS THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY.

I WAS THE WELLMAN THEY NEVER TALKED ABOUT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? ME AND MY SISTER,

WE USED TO WORK AT WELLMAN PLASTICS FACTORY,

AND NOT EVEN A DAY GOES BY WHERE I DON'T HEAR

YOUR DAD'S MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

THAT USED TO BLARE OVER THE LOUDSPEAKER.

"CONCENTRATION ON WORK MAKES YOU A BETTER PERSON."

MY FAVORITE... "SPOT AND ELIMINATE HAZARDS."

WE HAD THE SAME ANNOUNCEMENTS IN THE HOUSE,

ONLY MY FATHER CALLED THEM BEDTIME STORIES.

HE WAS TRYING TO GROOM ME FOR CORPORATE LIFE,

BUT I JUST COULDN'T DO THAT. I QUIT.

HE WASN'T THE EASIEST GUY TO LIVE WITH.

HE WASN'T THE EASIEST GUY TO WORK FOR, EITHER.

YOU'RE THE WOMAN MY MOTHER USED TO CALL "ROXANNE."

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT KIND OF STIRRED UP

ALL THE TROUBLE AT THE FACTORY.

OVER WHAT, EXTRA STALL IN THE LADIES ROOM?

NO! IT WAS ACTUALLY ABOUT HAVING TO MEET UNREALISTIC QUOTAS.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

WE HAD A DEAL.

YOU SOUND ANGRY, ROSEANNE.

YOU TOLD ME IF I TOED THE LINE, YOU'D DROP THE QUOTAS.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

BECAUSE I CAN.

NO, YOU CAN'T.

I DID, AND WHEN I BROKE YOU,

I KNEW YOU WERE JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM,

AND YOU'LL STAY, AND YOU'LL DO YOUR 8,000,

AND SO WILL YOUR LOSER FRIENDS, OR THEY'RE GONE.

THIS AIN'T THE WAY YOU MOTIVATE PEOPLE,

AND ANY MANAGER WOULD KNOW THAT,

AND YOU ARE A LOT OF THINGS, BUT YOU AIN'T NO MANAGER.

SWEETHEART, YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A BUNCH OF TROUBLE.

NO, SWEETHEART, YOU DID.

HEY, I'M NOT DONE WITH YOU.

DON'T YOU WALK AWAY WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!

WELL, I HEAR YOU NEARLY CAUSED A RIOT.

NO. THE ONLY NOISE WE MADE

WAS THE SOUND OF OUR SNEAKERS SQUEAKING ON THE FLOOR AS WE LEFT.

YOU OK, SIS? NO, I'M NOT OK.

I MEAN, I TRIED TO BE OK,

BUT HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO BE OK.

HE DOESN'T WANT ANY OF US TO BE OK.

YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE HE'S NOT OK, OK?

I TOLD YOU NOT TO WALK AWAY FROM ME.

I'M WALKING AWAY FROM YOU, FABER,

AND I'M WALKING AWAY FROM THIS STINKING FACTORY.

I'M WALKING AWAY FROM THIS LOUSY JOB!

THAT WAS A WONDERFUL PERFORMANCE, ROSEANNE.

MAY I POINT OUT THERE ARE 2 DOORS TO THIS ROOM...

ONE THAT PAYS AND ONE THAT DOESN'T.

I GUESS WE'RE NOT GONNA MAKE OUR QUOTA TODAY, HONEYBUNCH.

SO I BET YOU THINK I'M A REAL SHREW, HUH?

NO. I THINK YOU'RE QUITE UNIQUE.

SO DID MY FATHER,

ALTHOUGH HE DIDN'T EXACTLY PUT IT THAT WAY.

NO. THE WALKOUT WAS THE BEGINNING OF THE END FOR THE OLD MAN.

HE JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE CONCEPT OF TALKING TO LABOR.

ACTUALLY, I THINK IT'S COMMON SENSE,

BUT HE DIDN'T LIKE ANYTHING COMMON.

SO YOU JUST GREW UP

COMING TO PLACES LIKE THIS EVERY WEEKEND.

WELL, YEAH. HE'D BRING ME HERE

TO NETWORK WITH ALL THE WELL-CONNECTED KIDS,

BUT I JUST WANTED TO COME HERE AND SWIM IN THE CLUB POOL.

YOU SHOULD'VE COME SWIMMING WITH US.

WE SWAM DOWN AT THE QUARRY.

OH, MY DAD WOULD NEVER HAVE LET ME SWIM THERE.

HE WAS AFRAID I'D CATCH SOMETHING...

LIKE POVERTY.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST HAVE YOUR DAD BUY THE QUARRY FOR YOU?

ACTUALLY, HE ALREADY OWNED IT.

SO AFTER THAT I GREW MY HAIR LONG,

GOT KICKED OUT OF THIS CLUB.

GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S HOW I LOST THAT FRY COOK JOB.

FRY COOK JOB? I DID THAT, TOO...

BUT THAT WAS RIGHT AFTER THEY CUT ME OFF,

SO I SPLIT, STARTED TRAVELING,

I DID ODD JOBS, YOU KNOW, PAID MY OWN WAY,

AND THEN I ENDED UP A YEAR IN AN ASHRAM.

YOU MEAN YOU SLEPT ON THE FLOOR AND CHANTED ALL DAY LONG?

I WAS SEARCHING FOR MY DEEPEST TRUTH.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE GURU SAID.

AND I BET HE WAS SITTING IN, WHAT, A $5,000 LEATHER CHAIR

WHEN HE SAID THAT TO YOU.

SO YOU BEEN STAYING AT THAT BIG HOUSE ON THE HILL UP THERE?

YEAH. YOU KNOW, IF YOU GUYS

AREN'T DOING ANYTHING AFTER THIS DEAL,

WHY DON'T YOU COME ON UP AND CHECK OUT THE MANSION?

I KNOW YOU HEARD ALL THE WEIRD STORIES.

OH, COME ON. ONLY IDIOTS BELIEVE THAT.

WE'D LOVE TO GO UP THERE.

OH, THAT'S GREAT. ALL RIGHT.

LISTEN, I'LL HAVE THE VALET BRING MY CAR AROUND.

I'LL MEET YOU RIGHT IN FRONT, 2 MINUTES.

OK.

JEEZ, HE IS SO HANDSOME. ISN'T HE SO HANDSOME?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. IT'S AMAZING THAT A GUY HIS AGE

IS IN THAT KIND OF SHAPE.

YOU NEVER SEE GUYS LIKE THAT AROUND LANFORD...

WE ARE NOT GOING UP TO THAT OLD HOUSE ON THE HILL!

THERE'S DUNGEONS IN THERE!

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT HOUSE, AND YOU KNOW IT.

MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.

IT'S JUST STORIES THAT KIDS USED TO TELL WHEN WE WERE LITTLE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW ALL THE KIDS SAID THAT MOM

WAS AN EVIL SERPENT FROM THE DARK NETHERWORLD.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

THE HOUSE IS A LITTLE QUIET.

I GAVE THE HELP THE DAY OFF.

HEY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

WE USED TO BE THE HELP, AND WE WERE TERRIBLE.

DOES ANYONE FEEL A CHILL?

THESE BIG MANSIONS ARE KIND OF HARD TO HEAT.

HOW ABOUT I GIVE YOU THE GRAND TOUR?

I'LL SHOW YOU THE BASEMENT FIRST, HUH?

NO. NO.

OH, COME ON, COME ON.

I WANT YOU TO GET THE FEELING OF THE DUNGEON.

IT'S RIGHT BEHIND THIS DOOR. HUH?

UH, NO. WE'RE REALLY FINE RIGHT WHERE WE ARE HERE.

AND WE'RE NOT NOSY PEOPLE.

THAT'S TOO BAD.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY MEETING THE KRANE TWINS.

BOO! HA HA! I GOT YOU.

COME ON, I'LL MAKE US SOME COFFEE.

BOY. WELL, THIS REALLY IS A BEAUTIFUL OLD HOUSE.

IS THIS WHAT BROUGHT YOU BACK TO LANFORD?

NO. I CAME BACK TO SELL THE FACTORY.

MY TWO BROTHERS RAN IT INTO THE GROUND

AFTER MY FATHER DIED.

SO I WAS LEFT WITH A MOUNTAIN OF BILLS

AND A STEAMED I.R.S. GUY NAMED MITCH.

THAT'S HORRIBLE. IF I WOULD'VE KNOWN

THAT YOUR FAMILY WAS JUST BLEEDING THE PLACE DRY,

I WOULD HAVE PADDED MY TIMECARD WAY MORE THAN I DID.

WELL, THAT'S NOT THE LEAST OF IT.

WE'RE LETTING THE FACTORY WORKERS ALL GO NEXT WEEK,

AND THE 2 FOREIGN CONGLOMERATES THAT ARE INTERESTED,

THEY ONLY WANT THE LAND.

ROSEANNE, I GOT TO ADMIT

THAT I DIDN'T JUST ACCIDENTALLY RUN INTO YOU TODAY.

I GUESS YOU'VE GUESSED BY NOW,

I WOULDN'T GO TO THAT COUNTRY CLUB.

NO. I WANTED TO MEET YOU. I NEED YOUR HELP.

I THINK THE OTHER SHOE JUST DROPPED.

WE'RE REALLY NOT IN THE MARKET TO BUY A PLASTICS FACTORY,

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

WELL, I JUST NEED ENOUGH DOUGH

TO COVER THE BANK AND KEEP THE DOORS OPEN.

OTHERWISE, THIS TOWN'S GONNA HAVE TO LEARN TO EAT

A LOT OF SUSHI OR FALAFEL.

HOW COME YOU CAN'T JUST SELL IT TO THE ITALIANS?

I JUST DON'T THINK THAT'S GONNA WORK, EDGAR.

OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M SORRY I BROUGHT THIS UP.

HOW ABOUT A BISCOTTI?

UH...

WELL, HOW MUCH MONEY DO YOU NEED?

JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP THE BANK OFF OUR BACK,

YOU KNOW, TO KEEP THE DOORS OPEN.

THE LAWYERS SAID IT WAS SOMETHING JUST OVER A MILLION BUCKS,

BUT I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S BEFORE OR AFTER THEIR FEES.

MAYBE THERE IS SOMETHING WE COULD DO, ROSEANNE.

WE ARE, LIKE THEY SAY, KIND OF FLUSH RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, BUT WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO

IF EVERYBODY GETS LAID OFF IN A YEAR ANYWAY?

I MEAN, IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY,

LIKE TURNING THE DINER OVER TO NANCY AND LEON.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT? WHAT DINER?

WELL, WE OWNED THIS DINER,

AND THEN WE TURNED IT OVER TO THE PEOPLE WHO WORKED THERE.

WELL, WHY COULDN'T YOU DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT

WITH THE FACTORY?

YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT AIRLINE DID,

WITH THE GUY THAT YOU HAND YOUR BAGGAGE TO SAYS,

"HELLO THERE, MA'AM. I'M AN OWNER." SEE?

'CAUSE THEN THE EMPLOYEES CARE MORE,

WHICH MEANS THAT THEY WORK HARDER,

AND THEN THAT MAKES THE BUSINESS BETTER.

WELL, YEAH. I MEAN, IF WE WOULD'VE OWNED A PIECE OF WELLMAN'S,

WE DEFINITELY WOULD'VE WORKED HARDER,

AND I DEFINITELY WOULD NOT HAVE RIPPED OFF THE CANDY MACHINES.

LIKE AN EMPLOYEE BUYOUT.

THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

WELL... YEAH.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW...

WE MIGHT AS WELL.

WHAT GOOD'S HAVING ALL THIS MONEY

IF ALL YOUR FRIENDS AROUND YOU ARE POOR?

FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING,

I'LL GET THE LAWYER ON THE PHONE. HE'LL CALL THE BANK...

THEN WE'LL GET A LAWYER, THEN WE'LL GET HIM TO CALL UP SOME BANKER,

AND THEN THAT BANKER CAN CALL YOUR LAWYER WHO'LL CALL YOUR BANKER,

AND THEN YOUR BANKER CAN CALL UP A DOCTOR, AND WE'LL ALL GET A SECOND OPINION.

HEY. HA HA HA!

WHO EVER THOUGHT

THAT WE WOULD BE TEAMED UP WITH A WELLMAN?

YOU CAN'T JUDGE PEOPLE BY WHERE THEY COME FROM.

MONEY IS THE REFLECTION OF ITS POSSESSOR.

WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT,

IN THE ASHRAM THERE? HUH?

WELL, I HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT I LEARNED SOMETHING HERE.

HMM?

YOU KNOW, BECAUSE, WELL, THE WAY WE WERE RAISED...

ME AND MY SISTER LIVING HAND-TO-MOUTH AND EVERYTHING...

WE NEVER EVEN THOUGHT THAT THERE COULD BE ANY RICH PEOPLE

WHO EVEN HAD THE SLIGHTEST CLUE ABOUT LIFE.

IT'S JUST GOOD TO KNOW THAT, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE REALLY A DECENT GUY.

YOU'RE JUST REALLY, REALLY COOL.

THAT'S A GOOD THING FOR ME TO LEARN.

WELL, THANKS, ROSEANNE. THAT MEANS A LOT TO ME.

YEAH. I REALIZED SOMETHING ELSE, TOO.

YEAH? WHAT'S THAT?

GOD, YOU'RE GORGEOUS!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH! AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH!

AAAAH! AAAAH! AAAAH!