Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[whirring]

[man shouting]

♪♪[trumpet playing]

(snake lady) "SO, YOU WANT TO MAKE IT ON THE T.V. TALK SHOWS?

"YOU WANT TO BE THE TOAST OF THE TONIGHT SHOW,

"THE DELIGHT OF DAVID LETTERMAN,

"THE APPLE OF ARSENIO'S EYE?

"STYLE IS WHAT IT TAKES.

"STYLE IN ABUNDANCE. THAT'S YOU, BABY.

"WHEN YOU COME ON,

"'MAKE SURE YOU HUG THE A-MAN, '

SAYS CHRISTIAN SLATER..."

DAMN MOSQUITO.

"...ARSENIO INTIMATE.

"DWEEZIL ZAPPA SUGGESTS A NOD TO THE POSSE.

"'IT LETS THE MUSICIANS KNOW YOU'RE ONE OF THEM

"'AND SUGGESTS TO THE HOME AUDIENCE

THAT YOU'RE PART OF THE FAMILY.'"

JESUS, BIFF. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU WANT SOMEONE TO SEE?

WHAT DO YOU SAY, BIFF?

YOU'LL KICK ASS IN THIS GETUP.

DR. NAPALM.

MAN, THIS IS SOME KIND OF GOOD.

THE CAMERA WILL LOVE

AND CARESS YOU IN THIS OUTFIT.

AND IT'S GOT IT'S OWN BUILT-IN WAD

FOR THE FEMALE DEMOGRAPHIC.

THIS IS WHAT MYSELF AND YOUR OTHER ASSISTANT WILL BE WEARING.

IT'S STATE OF THE ART.

IT'LL TAKE SOMETHING LIKE 1,100 DEGREES.

THESE THINGS RETAIL FOR, LIKE, $6,000 APIECE,

BUT THIS GUY'S GONNA LET ME TRADE

THE TILT-A-WHIRL AND THE FLYING BOBS FOR THEM.

GOOD DEAL. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHOA... WHOA. WAIT... WAIT JUST ONE SECOND.

BIFF NEVER SAID WHO HIS ASSISTANTS WERE GONNA BE.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK ONE OF THEM IS GONNA BE YOU?

'CAUSE THIS HERE SUIT FITS ME LIKE A GLOVE.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT I JUST COMMITTED A MAJOR FELONY

AND RISKED MY JOB BY TRADING OFF 2 CARNIVAL ATTRACTIONS

THAT I DON'T EVEN OWN.

SO WHY THE HELL SHOULDN'T I BE HIS ASSISTANT?

I MEAN, RIGHT, BIFF?

[sputtering]

(snake lady) DON'T, BIFF! DON'T!

POW!

[sighs]

[laughing maniacally]

♪♪[Moon River by Henry Mancini playing over loud speakers]

(woman over P.A. system) ATTENTION, PATRONS.

MIDLOTHIAN SHOPPING CENTER IS NOW CLOSED FOR THE EVENING.

WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW AT 9:00.

SEE YOU THEN. AND GOD BLESS.

[beeping]

[car engine sputtering]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

I THINK I GOT ALL THE TICKS OUT OF 'EM.

YOU DO, HUH?

[both grunting]

[moaning]

OH, LET'S MAKE IT UP ON THE ROOF!

NO, NO.

I TOLD YOU, WE'RE NOT DOING IT ON THE ROOF.

KITCHEN TABLE?

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH...

MMM? NOT ENOUGH ROOM.

WE COULD PUT THE LEAF IN.

[panting]

OK.

WHERE'S THE LEAF? OH, I DON'T KNOW!

YOU HAD IT LAST! IS IT UNDER THE TRAILER?

I WOULDN'T PUT IT UNDER THE TRAILER.

IT WOULD DRY-ROT UNDER THE TRAILER.

VIDA, WE HAVE A BED.

LET'S USE IT LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.

[laughing]

OH, WILDER, 3 MORE DAYS IN THIS PLACE.

3 MORE DAYS AND I'M FREE. I CAN GO ANYWHERE I WANT.

GO TO THE CITY,

SEE SOME DINNER THEATER, HEAR THE SYMPHONY.

[sighs]

NO. DON'T... DON'T MESS WITH IT.

PLEASE?

I REALLY WANT TO.

I REALLY DO.

OK.

OH!

MMM!

OH, ARE YOU GONNA LOOK IN THE CLOSET FOR THE LEAF?

FORGET THE TABLE.

I'M NOSTALGIC FOR A BED.

[Vida laughs]

[ringing]

[gasping]

[birds chirping]

WELL, THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA.

[laughing]

♪♪[String Quartet No. 3 by Mozart playing]

WHOOPS!

YOU GOT A LITTLE 16TH NOTE LEFT ON YOU.

VIDA, I HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

[clearing throat]

KIERKEGAARD, 17 ACROSS.

THANKS.

LAST NIGHT, I DREAMT WE WERE ELVIS AND ANN-MARGRET

IN VIVA LAS VEGAS.

AGAIN?

UH-HUH.

ONLY THIS TIME YOU WERE BOOKED IN THIS

SORT OF HOTEL-CASINO TYPE THING.

IT WAS SORT OF HOT AND DIMLY LIT.

IT REMINDED ME OF NO EXIT BY SARTRE.

AND WE WERE LIKE PRISONERS. WE WERE HELD CAPTIVE

UNLESS AND UNTIL YOU WOULD SING.

AND, I MEAN, YOU WERE ELVIS,

SO IT WASN'T LIKE YOU COULDN'T SING.

BUT YOU WOULDN'T DO IT.

SO I WAS STANDING THERE SAYING:

"OH, COME ON, KING. JUST SING A SONG ALREADY."

AND YOU WERE SAYING, "NO, THANKS, MA'AM.

"I THINK I'LL JUST STICK WITH THIS VALET-PARKING THING.

UH-HUH! UH-HUH!"

YOU THINK THAT MEANS SOMETHING?

LIGHT MY CIGARETTE.

NO MATCHES, BABY.

ALL RIGHT,

TAKE IT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.

NO. LIVE DANGEROUSLY, WILDER.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

COME ON.

[rumbling]

[gasping] OH!

SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU.

OH, GOD, WILDER.

SO IS 362 DAYS OF HOUSE ARREST.

IF YOU JUST CAME OUT WITH THIS THING, WE COULD BE RICH.

YOU'D BE AN EMPEROR.

YOU COULD BE GRUPPENFUHRER.

THEY WOULD MAKE YOU A MAYAN SUN GOD.

IT'S JUST A DAMN PARLOR TRICK.

THAT'S ALL IT'S GOOD FOR.

SO YOU KEEP SAYING.

GOD DAMN!

♪♪[cello playing]

HEY, BABY,

IF I JUST CALLED YOU UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY

AND ASKED YOU TO DROP EVERYTHING AND COME HOME, WOULD YOU DO IT?

[car engine sputters]

NOT IF THE HOUSE WAS BURNING TO THE GROUND, VIDA.

♪♪[Moon River by Henry Mancini playing]

♪ BRASS NOZZLES

♪ SECRET FIRE TRUCKS

♪ HYDRANTS, CANVAS HOSE

♪ AND SAFETY NETS ♪

[rattling]

[elephant trumpeting]

[trailers clanking]

COME ON, BOY! WHY DON'T YOU COME ON?

AIN'T GOT ALL DAY!

COME ON! LET'S GET THIS THING IN THE AIR!

YOU HEAR ME? COME ON! CHOP-CHOP!

YOU'RE NOT GETTING PAID TO PICK YOUR BUTT!

NOW GET OVER HERE!

WE'RE DOING THIS ONE FIRST, ALL RIGHT?

[elephant trumpeting]

[grunting]

[bird cawing]

[beeping]

[siren wailing]

[fire engine siren wailing]

[horn honking]

[sighs]

[rumbling]

SHIT!

[growling]

SO, WHERE'S THE FIRE?

YOUR HOUSE. AGAIN!

[alarm wailing]

[sirens approaching]

[chattering]

[police radio chattering]

[alarm stops]

VIDA?

[sighs]

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

I WAS UP ON THE ROOF EXERCISING,

AND AS NEAR AS I CAN FIGURE,

MY EMPTY DRINKING GLASS MUST'VE FOCUSED THE SUN'S RAYS

IN SUCH A FASHION AS TO IGNITE THE DRY GRASS.

TWICE IN 6 MONTHS.

OH, I KNOW!

VIDA, YOU HAVE BAD LUCK WITH FIRE, DON'T YOU?

YES.

AND THAT'S WHY IT'S SO LUCKY THAT I'M MARRIED TO A FIREMAN.

DON'T YOU THINK?

YES, VIDA.

BUT I TELL YOU,

THIS IS MIGHTY SUSPICIOUS-LOOKING.

AND SEEING AS HOW YOU'RE UNDER HOUSE ARREST FOR ARSON,

AND SEEING AS HOW YOU GOT ONLY 3 DAYS LEFT...

NO, 2 DAYS. DON'T COUNT TODAY.

2 DAYS.

I'D BE REAL CAREFUL IF I WAS YOU.

I'D BE A REGULAR SMOKEY THE BEAR.

YES, SIR, SHE WILL BE.

WILDER, WAIT!

[whispering] WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS ABOUT?

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

IT WAS A BOREDOM-INDUCED ACCIDENT.

YOU JUST BETTER WATCH YOUR STEP.

[moaning]

BRING HOME THE BOOTS AND HELMET TONIGHT.

(man) NUMBER 5 BOLT!

♪♪[Moon River by Henry Mancini playing]

THAT'S GOOD!

COME ON UP! COME ON UP!

[horn honking]

[hammering]

[metallic clanking]

[people chattering]

[music stops]

♪♪[music starts]

SO,

YOU GUYS HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN 5 YEARS?

NOT SINCE HE MARRIED HER.

WELL, DON'T MAKE IT 6. WE'RE HERE.

JUST...

HONEY, JUST GO SAY HI.

TELL HIM ABOUT BEING ON THE T.V.

[dog whining]

[dog barking]

HEY!

[trumpeting]

JUST TRY IT.

[grunting]

STAY.

(Carney) COME ON! CINDY!

NO... NO.

[trumpeting]

HARK!

WILDER!

BURN HIM, BIFF.

WALLACE?

NO. NOT WHEN I'M IN MAKEUP.

IN MAKEUP, I'M BIFF.

BADASS BIFF.

BURN HIM, BIFF.

HE'S MY BROTHER, REX.

THEY KNOW WHAT YOU CAN DO?

SURE DO.

HA! WHY,

WE'RE JUST ONE BIG OLD THERMONUCLEAR FAMILY, WILDER!

(all) THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH! SURE ARE.

CHRIST, WALLACE.

YOU'RE A CLOWN.

GOOD JOB.

WELL, YOU, TOO, WILDER.

PHOTO-BOOTH JOCKEY.

VERY IMPRESSIVE.

KIND OF LIKE

THE MARLBORO MAN OR SOMETHING.

[carnies laughing]

AND NICE RUG, WILDER.

GOOD LOOK FOR YOU.

REAL HAIR NEVER GREW BACK, HUH?

I'M, UH, MMM,

REAL SORRY ABOUT THAT.

GO DROP YOUR PANTS AND CHASE A DOUGHNUT,

YOU AND YOUR SINGLE-HELIX FRIENDS.

OH, FELLAS! WHAT DID I SAY WRONG?

HE'S GONE ALL BALLISTIC ON ME.

[honking]

SO,

HOW'S VIDA?

STILL WITH ME.

OH, HELL, I KNEW THAT.

COMING INTO TOWN TODAY WE SAW Y'ALL'S LOVE

BURNT ACROSS THE CLOUDS. REAL METEOROLOGICAL PHENOMENON.

YOU AND SWEET VIDA STILL LIVING IN THAT TRAILER PARK?

HOMEY.

[laughing] WHY, I THINK THAT'S JUST THE PERFECT PLACE

TO JUST PLOP DOWN AND START GRINDING OUT RUG RATS.

JUST BE DOMESTIC.

BUY SOME SPINNING DAISY REFLECTORS FOR THE YARD.

LET THOSE BEAUTIFUL, DIRTY-FACED LITTLE CHILDREN

JUST RUN AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH NO PANTS ON.

"A FATE WORSE THAN DEATH," PROCLAIMS MY BROTHER,

THE CLOWN.

THIS GUY'S BEEN BLOWING OUR FUSES

WITH HIS AIR CONDITIONER, BIFF.

THIS AIR CONDITIONER?

DON'T DO IT.

IS THIS THE MACHINE TO WHICH YOU REFER?

I SAID...

THIS BEAUTIFUL, CLIMATE-CONTROLLED,

FROST-FREE TUNDRA WONDER?

[clanking]

[honking]

[all laughing]

JUST LIKE 5 YEARS AGO.

HELL, JUST LIKE OUR WHOLE DAMN LIVES, WILDER.

YOU AIN'T CHANGED A BIT.

[sighs]

(Vida) HEY, BABY. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

♪♪[carousel music playing]

THERE HE IS. THERE'S MY MAN.

NO SMALL APPLIANCE IS SAFE TONIGHT.

DID YOU SEE THAT AIR CONDITIONER GO?

BLOOSH! LOOKED LIKE DAMN URANIUM OR SOMETHING.

I'M KEEPING A CHUNK OF IT FOR A PAPERWEIGHT.

YOU OUGHT TO DO THAT ON T.V.

YOU GOT ALL THE JOINTS COTTER-PINNED THIS TIME, REX?

WE MIGHT'VE LEFT A BOX OF THEM

BACK AT FROSTPROOF, I THINK.

YOU GOT A QUARTER? OH, YEAH.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR FALLING KIDS, BIFF.

MY NAME IS WALLACE, REX.

[people screaming]

(Wilder) COULDN'T WE MAYBE JUST HAVE DINNER FIRST?

(Vida) NO. YOU'D JUST GET CRAMPS.

[Vida laughing]

[Vida moaning]

[phone ringing]

(Vida) HELLO?

(Vida) Hello?

WHO IS THIS?

VIDA?

[siren wailing]

[all chattering]

♪ HYDRANT WRENCHES

♪ AND SHINY BRASS NOZZLES

♪ MAGLITES AND DOORSTOPS

♪ BINGO ♪

(Horace) DON'T GO IN THERE! THAT'S MY PRIVATE CLUBHOUSE.

THIS HERE IS MY PRIVATE CLUBHOUSE.

I'M JUST LETTING YOU SEE THE OUTSIDE.

OK? YOU CAN'T GO IN.

LOOKS LIKE AN OUTHOUSE TO ME.

YEAH, HORACE. WE DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO IN.

BESIDES, IT'S ON FIRE.

[rumbling]

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

[both giggling]

[glass shattering]

[man screaming]

HEADS UP!

(woman on radio) UNIT 27, IS THAT YOU?

♪♪[cello playing]

[dog barking]

[sighs]

[laughing]

HEY, VIDA.

SO, WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT?

OH, YEAH,

YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THIS.

YES, I DID.

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO...

RIGHT.

A YEAR AND A HALF AGO,

WILDER WAS MANAGING THIS MEDICAL PAVILION.

IT WAS A PRETTY GOOD JOB, TOO. I MEAN, GOOD BENEFITS, NICE PEOPLE.

FOR HIM, IT WAS A GREAT JOB AND HE KNEW IT.

AND EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED HIM.

IT WAS WINTER AT THE TIME, AND HE'D HAVE TO WAKE UP

REALLY EARLY ON SNOWY DAYS TO GO OUT AND SHOVEL ALL THE SIDEWALKS.

AND I WAS ALWAYS GETTING ON HIS CASE,

YOU KNOW, ABOUT USING HIS STUFF

TO CLEAR THE SIDEWALKS.

'CAUSE IT WOULD ONLY TAKE A MINUTE TO MELT ALL THAT SNOW.

AND IT WAS 5 IN THE MORNING, SO IT WASN'T LIKE ANYONE WAS GONNA SEE OR ANYTHING.

THAT WAY, I FIGURED IF HE USED A LITTLE BIT OF THAT VOODOO,

HE COULD RUSH RIGHT BACK HOME AND SEE ME.

BUT ANYWAY, HE WOULDN'T GO FOR IT.

IT WAS A SATURDAY, SO I WAS OFF WORK AND I WAS HELPING HIM.

IT WAS REALLY ICY.

AND HE'S OUT FRONT SHOVELIN' AWAY

LIKE CRAZY, AND I'M IN THE BACK.

AND I REMEMBER STANDIN' THERE, HOLDIN' THIS SNOW SHOVEL,

LOOKIN' AT THESE 2 SIDEWALKS

COVERED WITH ABOUT AN INCH OF SOLID ICE.

I MEAN, NO WAY.

SO, I GO OVER TO TOOL SHED,

I GET A BIG CAN OF GASOLINE,

AND VERY NEATLY, I POUR IT DOWN THE LENGTHS OF THESE 2 SIDEWALKS.

I STRIKE A MATCH, AND I LIGHT UP THE FIRST SIDEWALK.

AND I'M TELLING YOU, IT WORKED GREAT.

I MEAN, GAS DOESN'T MIX WITH WATER,

IT JUST BURNS ON THE TOP AND MELTS ALL THE ICE.

THEN I SORT OF NOTICE THAT THE FIRE'S STARTING TO MOVE.

ALL THAT ICE HAD TURNED TO WATER.

AND THE SIDEWALKS WERE SORT OF ON AN INCLINE,

SO ALL THIS FLAMING WATER

IS NOW MOVING SLOWLY DOWNHILL

ONTO THE STEPS OF THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,

ON THE DOOR OF THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE IS LIKE A PET FLAP.

ONLY, IT'S NOT A PET FLAP. IT'S NOT A PET FLAP.

IT'S A LITTLE DROP-OFF DOOR,

WHERE THEY DROP OFF STOOL AND URINE SAMPLES.

BUT ALL I KNOW IS THIS FLAMING WATER

IS POURING THROUGH THE STOOL-SAMPLE DOOR OF THIS DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

[sighs]

$18,000 IN DAMAGES.

WILDER LOST HIS JOB.

HE NEVER YELLED AT ME THOUGH.

THAT'S WHEN THE DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS

GAVE ME THIS 2-POUND FASHION STATEMENT TO WEAR.

BUT IT COMES OFF TOMORROW.

COMES OFF TOMORROW.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SENT ME THE WEDDING PHOTO?

WILDER SENT YOU OUR WEDDING PICTURE?

YEAH, IT FIGURES.

HE WOULD TWIST THE KNIFE.

WALLACE,

THERE'S NO KNIFE.

WHY WASN'T I TOLD OF YOUR HOUSE ARREST?

THE SAME REASON HE DIDN'T TELL ME YOU ROLLED INTO TOWN.

WILDER'S A SCHMUCK.

HE HATES ME. I DON'T KNOW WHY HE HATES ME. WHY DOES HE HATE ME?

WHY DON'T YOU START WITH BURNIN' OFF HIS HAIR AT HIS DAMN BACHELOR PARTY?

HE TOLD YOU THAT?

YEAH. AH.

HE COULD HAVE FOUGHT BACK.

OH, GOD!

LIGHT ME.

WHAT?

MMM. LIGHT MY CIGARETTE.

NO, I CAN'T DO THAT.

NOT WITHOUT BURNIN' YOUR FACE OFF.

NOT WHILE I'M LOOKIN' AT YOU. I, UH...

YOU KNOW, WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU...

YEAH, WELL, WILDER CAN DO IT.

I'M GONNA GO ON THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW.

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO'S THE HEAD OF BOOKING FOR THE SHOW.

AND I'M GONNA GO ON.

I'M GONNA BURN SOME STUFF ON THE AIR, PARLAY SOME PUBLICITY,

MAYBE GET MYSELF A MOVIE DEAL OR MY OWN T.V. SHOW.

AND COMMERCIALS? A LOT OF MONEY IN COMMERCIALS.

I CAN SELL LIGHTER FLUID, RADAR RANGES, FLAME-BROILED WHOPPERS.

YOU KNOW, BEING ABLE TO BURN STUFF WITH YOUR MIND,

IS A GOD-GIVEN TALENT.

JUST LIKE BEING ABLE TO SLAM-DUNK A BASKETBALL.

THE AMERICAN PUBLIC WILL EAT IT UP. I LOVE BEING ABLE TO DO IT.

[sighs]

IT'S A DAMN SHAME TO WASTE A GOD-GIVEN TALENT ALL YOUR LIFE.

I DON'T DISAGREE.

YOU SEE, YEAH, YEAH. I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT. HEH!

I TOLD YOU 5 YEARS AGO YOU MARRIED THE WRONG GUY.

[truck honking]

[dog barking]

(firemen) HEY! VIDA! VIDA!

MON FRERE!

HEY, HONEY!

DID YOU BRING THE MEN HOME FOR SOME LEMONADE?

YEAH.

CATCH ME, MEN!

HEADS UP!

HEY!

[firemen laughing] YEAH! HEY!

I THINK SHE'S PUT ON A COUPLE OF POUNDS.

(fireman) ♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL ♪

(all) ♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL

(fireman) ♪ AS I WALK THROUGH THIS WORLD ♪

♪ NOTHING CAN STOP THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ AND YOU, YOU ARE MY GIRL

♪ NO ONE CAN HURT YOU, OH, NO ♪

(all) ♪ YES, I'M

♪ OH

♪ I

♪ OH, OH

♪ NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ MUM-MUM-MUM-MUM MUM-MUM-MUM, YEAH ♪

♪ AND WHEN I HOLD YOU

♪ YOU'LL BE MY DUCHESS

♪ MY DUCHESS OF EARL

♪ AND WE'LL WALK THROUGH MY DUKEDOM ♪

♪ AND A PARADISE WE WILL SHARE ♪

♪ YES, I'M

♪ OH, I'M GONNA LOVE YOU

♪ OH, OH

♪ COME ON LET ME HOLD YOU, DARLIN' ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ DUKE, DUKE DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ YES, I'M

♪ OH

♪ I'M

♪ COME ON LET ME HOLD YOU, DARLIN' ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M THE DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ DUKE, DUKE, DUKE, DUKE OF EARL ♪

♪ DUKE, DUKE DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

♪ DUKE OF EARL, DUKE, DUKE ♪

THAT'S THE SAME CAR YOU HAD 5 YEARS AGO.

MON FRERE?

THAT'S THE SAME CAR YOU HAD 5 YEARS AGO.

[crickets chirping]

YEAH. UH-HUH.

[clanking]

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

IT'S THE, UH...

I DON'T KNOW.

AH!

WELL, AT LEAST YOU GOT IT UP ON BLOCKS.

THAT'S A REAL HIP WHITE-TRASH AESTHETIC.

NEIGHBORS MUST BE REAL JEALOUS YOU THOUGHT OF IT FIRST.

SEEMS THIS CAR'S AN ANALOGY TO YOUR LIFE.

IT AIN'T GOING NOWHERE NEITHER.

NOW, THAT'S DEEP.

AH!

BOZO, IS IT?

LOOK, WHY ARE YOU HERE?

WHY AREN'T YOU OVER COMPARING HERPES SORES

WITH THAT ALGONQUIAN ROUNDTABLE OF SHITHEADS YOU RUN WITH?

WHY ARE YOU BACK IN TOWN?

WHY ARE YOU SITTING ON MY FRONT PORCH DRINKING OUT OF MY GLASS?

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE WELCOME?

HEY!

I CAME HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I'M GOING PUBLIC.

I'M GONNA FLAME SOME STUFF ON THE DAVID LETTERMAN SHOW.

WHAT?

WHAT?

HA-HA, ARE YOU INSANE?

YEAH! SEE, I KNEW YOU'D SAY THAT! YEAH!

HUH!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT IDEA?

WELL, FOR STARTERS, YOU'D BE A FREAK.

GUYS IN WINGTIP SHOES WOULD SHOVE A PROBE UP YOUR ASS,

STICK YOU OUT ON AN INDIAN RESERVATION

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MOJAVE DESERT,

AND READ YOU LIKE A PETRI DISH.

YOU READ FIRESTARTER, DIDN'T YOU?

AT THE VERY LEAST, THEY'LL TRY TO LINK YOU TO EVERY FIRE GOING UP THE EAST COAST

BACK TO HORACE BRAINTREE'S CLUBHOUSE.

OH, HERE WE GO WITH HORACE BRAINTREE'S CLUBHOUSE!

YOU JUST WANT EVERYONE...

WE WERE LITTLE KIDS! NOBODY CARES ANYMORE!

NOT EVEN HORACE FREAKING BRAINTREE,

WHO LAST TIME I HEARD HAS AN EX-CHEERLEADER WIFE, HIS OWN BUICK DEALERSHIP,

A BUNCH OF CHUBBY LITTLE KIDS

HE TAKES OFF TO KARATE CLASS EVERY SATURDAY!

[dog barking]

ANYWAY, I'M DOIN' IT!

I'M GOIN' ON LETTERMAN!

I DON'T BELIEVE ANY OF YOUR PARANOID BULLSHIT ANYMORE!

AND I FIGURE I'D LIKE TO TRY BEING RICH FOR A CHANGE.

SO I'LL JUST SEE YOU IN THE FUNNY PAPERS.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, VIDA.

WALLACE.

♪ THEY'RE GONNA PUT ME IN THE MOVIES ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA MAKE A BIG STAR OUT OF ME ♪

[engine revving]

♪ THEY'RE GONNA PUT ME IN THE MOVIES ♪

♪ AND ALL I GOTTA DO IS ACT NAT... ♪♪

[laughing]

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE CARNY

WHO COMMITTED ORAL SEX ON A CHICKEN?

WELL, HE, UH...

[sneezing]

[all laughing]

[tires screeching]

TAKE ME UP TO THE TOP.

[engine whirring]

WHAT YOU FIGURIN'? THAT BROTHER OF HIS?

ALL I KNOW IS,

I'M GONNA GET OFF THE ROAD AND ON T.V.,

OR I'M GONNA GODDAMN KILL SOMEBODY.

[alarm buzzing]

OH! OOPS!

[alarm stops]

[water running]

[cutlery clinking]

I'M READY!

[screaming]

GOD, I'M SORRY, LLOYD! I'M SORRY!

IT'S JUST A LITTLE BLOOD. IT'S A LITTLE BLOOD.

YOU'LL COME IN, YOU'LL BE FINE.

[laughing]

HEY!

HONEY!

I'M...

FREE!

MY DEBT TO SOCIETY IS PAID IN FULL.

[howling]

IT'S 12:47 AND 23 SECONDS.

TIME TO SCREW. LET'S DO IT IN THE BOOTH.

YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS.

YES, I REALLY AM.

VIDA! VIDA.

OK.

LET'S JUST FIND SOME HEDGES OR SOMETHING.

OH, BABY, I'M RARING TO GO!

I KNOW YOU ARE, HONEY, BUT...

WHAT?

NO?

[sighs]

ALL RIGHT.

WELL, LET'S GO FOR A WALK, WILDER.

IT'S BEEN A YEAR SINCE I WENT FOR A WALK.

COME ON. OUT OF THAT SHOEBOX.

I'M WAITING FOR A SURPRISE VISIT FROM MY SUPERVISOR.

DON'T WANNA LOSE MY JOB.

SO?

SO?

ALL RIGHT. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO TONIGHT THEN?

WELL, YOU KNOW.

I'M CALLING BINGO FOR THE WOMEN'S AUXILIARY.

IT'LL BE GREAT.

MAYBE YOU'LL COME WITH ME, WIN US SOME MONEY.

BINGO?

WILDER, NO.

NO SYMPHONY?

[sighs]

NO DINNER THEATER? BINGO?

VIDA, I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL BINGO LAST WEEK AND I DIDN'T GO.

I MEAN, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I MISSED

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME TO LEAVE?

AND NOW TONIGHT YOU DON'T HAVE TO STAY HOME.

BESIDES, THE CAR ISN'T RUNNING.

YOU CAN'T WALK TO A SYMPHONY.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

NOTHING.

I JUST HAD A QUICK FLASH ABOUT THE REST OF MY LIFE, THAT'S ALL.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER, HONEY.

SORRY.

[whining]

HI, DICK. HI, NICK.

(both) HI, VIDA.

[dog yipping]

[dog whining]

[whimpering]

WHO ARE YOU?

[car horn honking]

(Wallace) HEY!

YOU FOUND MY DOG!

YEAH, OR VICE VERSA.

OR VICE VERSA.

SO ARE YOU GONNA EXPLAIN THE TIE OR DO I JUST HAVE TO GUESS?

OH, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

I JUST HAPPENED TO, UH, FALL INTO 2 TICKETS TO THIS CHAMBER-MUSIC THING

THEY'RE DOING DOWNTOWN THIS AFTERNOON.

YOU'RE A REAL SHIT, WALLACE.

YES, I AM.

COME ON! RIDE UP FRONT WITH ME!

NOPE! I CAN'T BE INSIDE TODAY.

I DO LOVE BEETHOVEN.

MOZART.

I LOVE BEETHOVEN.

WHERE TO NOW?

I APPRECIATE IT, BUT WILDER'S GONNA BE MAD AS IT IS.

I BETTER GET HOME.

I'M SORRY. DID YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO SEE SOME FIREWORKS?

YEAH!

[phone ringing]

[fly buzzing]

♪♪[Waiting for a Girl Like You by Foreigner playing]

♪ SO LONG

32 YEARS IS AN AWFULLY LONG TIME TO KEEP A SECRET.

♪ I'VE BEEN LOOKING TOO HARD, I'VE BEEN WAITING TOO LONG ♪

SO, WHAT WAS IT THAT MADE YOU DECIDE TO GO PUBLIC?

[machine whirring]

B-12.

♪ IF I'M COMING ON TOO STRONG ♪

♪ THIS HEART OF MINE

♪ HAS BEEN HURT BEFORE

♪ THIS TIME I WANNA BE SURE

[laughing]

GOOD THING I DIDN'T AIM, HUH?

♪ FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU

♪ TO COME INTO MY LIFE

SO, ANYWAY YOU WERE SAYING...

WAS I?

♪ GIRL LIKE YOU

♪ YOUR LOVING WILL SURVIVE

DON'T LAUGH.

DON'T SAY ANYTHING FUNNY.

♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING

I MEAN, IT'S NOT MUCH OF A STORY, REALLY.

THE CARNIVAL WAS IN FROSTPROOF, FLORIDA.

WE WEREN'T DOING MUCH BUSINESS.

IT WAS RAINING,

AND I WAS WATCHING BEWITCHED ON A BOOTLEG CABLE BOX.

♪ TO COME INTO MY LIFE

NOW, ON BEWITCHED, WHAT DOES DARRIN ALWAYS SAY?

"SAM, HONEY, DON'T USE YOUR MAGIC POWERS TO MAKE US RICH OR HAPPY,

"OR TO IMPROVE OUR SEX LIVES.

IN FACT, DON'T USE THEM AT ALL, IT WOULD BE WRONG."

AND I REALIZED THAT I'M WATCHING THIS ON A CRAPPY FOAM MATTRESS.

I'M EATING CEREAL STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOX,

♪ MORE THAN A TOUCH

AND I'M ALONE.

♪ OR A WORD WE SAY

AND THAT'S WHEN IT FINALLY HIT ME.

WRONG? WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT IT?

AND THE MORE I WATCHED,

THE MORE I REALIZED THAT DARRIN REMINDED ME OF SOMEBODY.

AND THAT SOMEBODY WAS WILDER.

♪ NOW I KNOW IT'S RIGHT

AND SAM REMINDED ME OF ME.

THAT I WASN'T LIVING UP TO MY FULL POTENTIAL.

♪ TO DEEP IN THE NIGHT

♪ THERE'S NOWHERE ON EARTH

AND THEN BEWITCHED ENDED

AND I DREAM OF JEANNIE CAME ON,

AND I FIGURED IT WAS SOME KIND OF A SIGN.

♪ FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU

♪ TO COME INTO MY LIFE

SO HERE I AM.

OH!

♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING

♪ FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU

G-47.

♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING

♪ WON'T YOU COME INTO MY LIFE? ♪

♪ AH ♪

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HELPING YOU WITH YOUR SHOT.

WHO ARE YOU, ANDY HARDY?

HELPING ME WITH MY SHOT? GEE, THAT'S ORIGINAL.

YOU'RE NOT KEEPING YOUR WRISTS LOCKED.

[sighs]

WHERE'D YOU GET THIS MOVE, WALLACE? A NELSON EDDY MOVIE?

[woman screaming]

(woman) WHAT IS IT?

(woman 2) COME ON!

(woman 3) HURRY UP! COME ON!

[explosions in distance]

OOPS!

[inaudible]

[pager beeping]

B-11. B-11.

(firemen) ♪ I FELL INTO A BURNING RING OF FIRE ♪

♪ I WENT DOWN, DOWN, DOWN AND THE FLAMES WENT HIGHER ♪

♪ AND IT BURNS, BURNS, BURNS, BURNS, BURNS ♪

♪ THAT RING OF FIRE, THAT RING OF FIRE ♪♪

(fire chief) BACK UP!

BACK UP!

♪ I DON'T WANT TO SET THE WORLD ♪

♪ ON FIRE

♪ I JUST WANT TO START

♪ A FLAME IN YOUR HEART

♪♪[humming]

♪ IN MY HEART I HAVE BUT ONE

♪ DESIRE

♪ AND THAT ONE IS YOU

♪ NO OTHER WILL DO

♪ I'VE LOST ALL AMBITION

♪ FOR WORLDLY ACCLAIM

♪ I JUST WANT TO BE THE ONE YOU LOVE ♪

♪ AND WITH YOUR ADMISSION

♪ THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME

♪ I'LL HAVE REACHED THE GOAL I'M DREAMING OF ♪

♪ BELIEVE ME

♪ I DON'T WANT TO SET THE WORLD ♪

♪ ON FIRE

♪ I JUST WANT TO START

♪ A FLAME IN YOUR HEART ♪

SEE YOU LATER, WILDER.

OH!

[dog barking]

[engine starting]

WILDER?

WILDER!

WILDER!

WILDER!

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING!

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

WE DIDN'T DO IT!

WILDER!

SAY SOMETHING!

SAY SOMETHING!

[dog barking]

[lawn mower running]

OK.

THIS IS GOOD.

IT'S MORNING, IT'S SUNNY.

WE'RE GONNA EAT BREAKFAST,

[lawn mower running] AND THEN WE NEED TO SIT DOWN AND TALK.

THE 3 OF US.

WE'VE ALL MADE MISTAKES. WE NEED TO GET THINGS OUT IN THE OPEN.

WE NEED TO ESTABLISH A DIALOGUE.

NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.

GOT ANY CEREAL?

WILDER IS REPRESSING HIS EMOTIONS.

HE ALWAYS REPRESSES HIS EMOTIONS.

I THINK IF THE 3 OF US COULD JUST PUT OUR PROBLEMS INTO WORDS,

JUST VERBALIZE...

GET OFF THAT GODDAMN MOWER, NOW!

I MADE YOUR BREAKFAST! YOU COME AND GET IT!

WILDER!

I'M TALKING TO YOU!

[inaudible]

STOP IT! STOP IT!

STOP IT! DO SOMETHING!

[mower stops]

[birds chirping]

[sighs]

ALL RIGHT, LOOK.

THIS IS ME. THIS IS THE WAY I FEEL RIGHT NOW.

IT'S EARLY. I'M TIRED. I DIDN'T GET ANY SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

I WAS WITH YOUR WIFE.

(Vida) STOP!

I'M EATING YOUR BREAKFAST.

SO COME ON, TAKE A SWING AT ME, PLEASE?

AND LET'S GET THIS THING OVER WITH.

COME ON, YOU FREAKING ICEMAN.

[birds chirping]

OK THEN,

IT'S OFFICIAL NOW.

YOU'RE A FRIGHTENED COWARD.

[screaming]

[both grunting]

[grunting]

[choking]

WILDER, WILDER!

WILDER!

SORRY, PISSANT CLOWN!

THINK YOU CAN MESS AROUND WITH MY WIFE?

[coughing]

DON'T! NO! NO!

[screaming]

WILDER!

[engine starting]

[Wallace groaning]

YOU'RE DEAD, WHITE BOY!

LET'S GO PICK OUT A NICE WREATH FOR YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE FREAKING DEAD!

[grunting]

ALL RIGHT! STOP IT NOW!

BOTH OF YOU! I LIVE HERE, DAMN IT!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? YOU WANT TO KILL EACH OTHER?

THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU WANTED.

YOUR SHOE'S ON FIRE.

[yells]

WHO'S THE WHITE BOY NOW, HUH?

WHO... WHO... WHO'S THE WHITE BOY NOW?

[growling]

[groaning]

DIRTY, MUD-HOPPING RAT BASTARD!

WILDER!

COME OUT AND FIGHT LIKE THE FREAK OF NATURE YOU ARE,

OR I'M COMING IN THERE TO GET YOU!

WILDER?

YOO-HOO!

LET'S SAY, FOR ONCE IN OUR LIVES,

THAT WE HAVE US A FAIR FIGHT!

FLAME ME, BOY! BURN MY HAIR OFF!

GIVE ME A REASON TO BARBECUE YOU!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

WAIT UNTIL I GET MY HANDS ON...

(Wallace) YOUR ASS IS ASH, WILDER!

YOUR ASS IS ASH!

NOBODY'S ASS IS ANYTHING! DO YOU HEAR ME?

NOBODY'S ASS IS ANYTHING! NOW, YOU BOYS COME OUT OF THERE RIGHT NOW!

HI, THIS IS VIDA FOUDROYANT.

WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE LITTLE SITUATIONS HERE.

OK, BOY! HERE IT COMES!

RUN!

[Vida screams]

VIDA! ARE YOU OK?

YOU OK?

[screaming]

[spitting] VIDA!

HEY!

[grunting]

USE YOUR POWERS FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!

[grunting]

USE THEM, YOU PUSSY!

QUIT IT.

[siren wailing]

OH, MY GOD! THERE'S FIRE BY THE...

I'M COMING! I'M COMING! I'M OK! EVERYTHING'S FINE.

OH, EVERYTHING'S FINE.

WILDER!

[groaning]

[crowd chattering]

[police radio chattering]

[coughing]

[retching]

[both coughing]

I'M SORRY.

WHAT FOR?

I'M TALKING TO WILDER.

I'M SORRY I WAS WITH YOUR BROTHER ON THE ROOF.

[sighs]

IT WAS A BAD COURSE OF ACTION ON MY PART.

I KNOW I CAME BETWEEN YOU TWO.

WILDER, I'M SORRY I BROKE YOUR TRUST.

I GUESS WHAT I DID WAS SORT OF REACTIONARY.

I MEAN, YESTERDAY WAS MY FIRST NIGHT OF FREEDOM

AND YOU HAD TO SPEND IT CALLING BINGO.

NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG, BINGO'S GREAT.

NORMALLY, I'D SAY BINGO'S WHERE IT'S AT.

I GUESS I JUST GOT A LITTLE CRAZY.

I GOT SELFISH.

I FIGURED I'D STEAL YOU AWAY

FROM SQUINTING AT A BUNCH OF PING-PONG BALLS ALL NIGHT.

I FIGURED I'D GET YOU OUT ON THE TOWN FOR ONCE,

FOR ONE NIGHT OF REAL LIFE.

ONE NIGHT OF FREEDOM

FROM THAT COUNTRY-WESTERN VERSION OF A SOVIET GULAG.

WELL?

WILDER, ARE YOU GONNA SAY SOMETHING?

YOU SCREWED MY BROTHER OVER BINGO?

I THINK YOU'RE MISSING THE BIG PICTURE.

YOU AND I HAVE VERY LARGE PROBLEMS.

NO SHIT.

NO SHIT, WILDER.

I'M TIRED OF DOIN' IT ALL.

I'M TIRED OF COMIN' AT YOU ALL THE TIME.

AND I'M TIRED OF ALWAYS HAVIN' TO BE THE HAPPIEST PERSON IN A ROOM.

WHAT DOES HE MEAN YOU SCREWED ME OVER BINGO?

THERE WAS NO SCREWING. NO SCREWING OCCURRED.

ONLY BECAUSE ZIPPY THE PINHEAD HERE SHOWED UP.

WALLACE, THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ANY.

THE HELL THERE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN.

WE WERE GEARING UP FOR SOME WORLD-CLASS SCREWIN'.

WE WERE GETTING READY TO DO SOMETHIN'

THAT THEY HAVEN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A WORD FOR YET.

DON'T LIE.

IT'S A MOOT POINT.

"MOOT POINT"?

JEEZ, GOOD ANSWER, HONEY.

"DID SHE OR DIDN'T SHE? HMM, IT'S A MOOT POINT.

PARDON ME WHILE I GO MOW THE LAWN."

GOD! WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM?

JUST SHUT THE HELL UP, WALLACE. OK?

[sighs]

I'M IN JAIL AGAIN.

I'M FREE ONE DAY AND I'M IN JAIL AGAIN.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

[sighs]

I DON'T EVEN BELONG HERE.

YOU STARTED THOSE 2 FIRES.

ME? YEAH.

HONEY, I DO NOT LIVE IN A VACUUM.

I THINK WE ALL 3 SHARE EQUAL BLAME

FOR THE DAY'S UNPLEASANTRIES.

HEY.

I DIDN'T DO SHIT.

I'M CLEAN.

I SPENT ALL NIGHT PUTTING OUT SOME SEX FIRE

THAT YOU TWO STARTED.

THIS MORNING I'VE GOT HER YELLING,

"DO SOMETHING, DO SOMETHING" AT ME.

I'VE GOT YOU PRACTICALLY WEARING MY SLIPPERS,

SMOKING MY PIPE.

YOU BURNED DOWN MY HOUSE, YOU WRECKED MY LIFE,

YOU STEAL MY WIFE,

AND YOU TWO WANT ME TO ACCEPT PART OF THE BLAME?

I'M SPEAKING ONLY FOR MYSELF, WILDER,

BUT YEAH, I THINK THAT THAT WOULD BE THE BIG THING TO DO.

FUCK YOU BOTH.

I TAKE THAT AS A NO.

HAVE NO FEAR, THE CAVALRY'S HERE.

COULDN'T LET MY PREMIER ATTRACTION

JUST SIT HERE WITH THE RIFFRAFF.

I APPRECIATE IT, REX. REALLY DO.

JUST ONE THING.

ANYTHING, BOY. YOU NAME IT.

STEAK DINNER? YOU WANT TO BORROW MY SEDAN?

SOME SHIRT OF MINE YOU BEEN ADMIRIN'?

I DON'T WANT TO BE BAILED OUT UNLESS YOU BAIL HER OUT, TOO.

WE'RE STILL THINKIN' ABOUT HOLLYWOOD, AIN'T WE, BOSS?

EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY.

YOU'RE GONNA BAIL ME OUT?

YEAH.

WE HAD TO PUT THE FERRIS WHEEL UP

FOR COLLATERAL JUST TO COVER YOUR BOND.

YOU SURE ABOUT DOIN' THIS?

I MEAN, I KNOW THIS GIRL IN TAMPA,

SAME HAIR COLOR, SAME BONE STRUCTURE.

[sighs]

YOU'RE RIGHT.

SHE'S WORTH THE LOOP-THE-LOOP.

HELL, SHE'S WORTH WHATEVER IT TAKES.

MRS. FOUDROYANT'S JUST LUCKY

THE JUDGE GAVE HER A BOND AT ALL.

IT SURPRISED THE HELL OUT OF ME.

WALLACE, I'M NOT GONNA GO

UNLESS YOU BAIL OUT WILDER, TOO.

ALL RIGHT, BAIL HIM OUT, TOO.

WELL, THERE GOES THE SHOOTING GALLERY.

WILDER.

OK, COME ON, WILDER.

COME ON, WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE, YOU, ME, AND WALLACE.

ME? LEAVE WITH YOU TWO?

THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME WHATSOEVER.

I MEAN, I CAN'T THINK OF TWO PEOPLE I HATE MORE IN THE WORLD.

WILDER.

WHAT PART OF THAT DIDN'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

[whispering] YOU WIN.

I MADE A BIG MISTAKE.

I LET MYSELF BE SUCKERED BY YOUR BROTHER, RIGHT?

BY THE SUMMER NIGHT,

AND BY THE NEED TO WANT TO BE LOVED BY YOU.

AND WHEN YOU WEREN'T THERE AGAIN,

BY THE NEED TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE.

I KNOW YOU THINK THESE MISTAKES ARE UNFORGIVABLE

AND YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,

ON THE ONE-IN-A-MILLION CHANCE THAT YOU'RE WRONG,

ON THE ONE-IN-A-MILLION CHANCE THAT YOU'RE GONNA WAKE UP

TOMORROW MORNING AND WANT ME BACK,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT FOR ME, WILDER.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT FOR ME!

[crickets chirping]

♪♪[music playing]

♪ WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME HERE ALL ALONE? ♪

♪ I SEARCHED THE WORLD OVER

♪ AND THOUGHT I'D FOUND TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ BUT YOU FOUND ANOTHER AND YOU WAS GONE ♪

[T.V. audience laughing]

SO, WHAT DID HE SAY WHEN YOU GAVE HIM THE NOTES?

HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING. HE WASN'T THERE,

SO I PUT THEM IN THE SLOT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, HE WASN'T THERE?

VIDA, YOU GOT TO GIVE THE GUY A LITTLE TIME.

I MEAN, NO OFFENSE,

BUT WHEN A MAN'S LOST HIS HOME

AND HIS WIFE IN THE SAME DAY,

HE'S BOUND TO BE A LITTLE UNPREDICTABLE.

HE'S GONNA COME BACK TO THE BOOTH EVENTUALLY

AND WHEN HE DOES, HE'LL FIND THE NOTES.

TRUST ME.

[laughing]

♪♪[carousel music playing]

[people chattering]

COVER FOR ME.

WAS SHE WITH HIM?

NOT THAT I SAW.

HELL, HE LOOKED TOTALLY LOST TO ME.

[dog whining]

MAYBE HE THINKS SHE'S STILL WITH ME.

REX, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A PASS ON TONIGHT'S SHOW.

I... I... I NEED TO SAVE MY STRENGTH

FOR A LITTLE UNFINISHED FAMILY BUSINESS.

OH, AND, UH, REX,

I WANT YOU TO MAKE AS MUCH MONEY AS YOU CAN TONIGHT

'CAUSE TOMORROW MORNING WE'RE GONNA PACK UP

AND WE'RE GONNA HEAD FOR HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.

YOU GOT IT, DR. NAPALM.

[dog whining]

[bell chiming]

[whispering] THIS WAY.

[whispering] DO IT.

♪♪[She's a Lady by Tom Jones playing]

♪ WELL, SHE'S ALL YOU'D EVER WANT ♪

♪ SHE'S THE KIND I LIKE TO FLAUNT ♪

♪ AND TAKE TO DINNER

♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS KNOWS HER PLACE ♪

♪ SHE'S GOT STYLE, SHE'S GOT GRACE ♪

♪ SHE'S A WINNER

♪ SHE'S A LADY

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SHE'S A LADY ♪

♪ TALKIN' ABOUT THAT LITTLE LADY ♪

♪ AND THE LADY IS MINE

♪ WELL, SHE'S NEVER IN THE WAY ♪

♪ ALWAYS SOMETHING NICE TO SAY ♪

♪ WHAT A BLESSING

♪ I CAN LEAVE HER ON HER OWN

♪ KNOWING SHE'S OK ALONE

♪ AND THERE'S NO MESSING

♪ SHE'S A LADY

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SHE'S A LADY ♪

♪ TALKIN' ABOUT THAT LITTLE LADY ♪

♪ AND THE LADY IS MINE

♪ WELL SHE NEVER ASKS FOR VERY MUCH ♪

♪ AND I DON'T REFUSE HER

♪ ALWAYS TREAT HER WITH RESPECT ♪

♪ I NEVER WOULD ABUSE HER

♪ WHAT SHE'S GOT IS HARD TO FIND ♪

♪ AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE HER ♪

♪ HELP ME BUILD A MOUNTAIN

♪ FROM A LITTLE PILE OF CLAY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY

♪ WELL, SHE KNOWS WHAT I'M ABOUT ♪

♪ SHE CAN TAKE WHAT I DISH OUT ♪

♪ AND THAT'S NOT EASY

♪ WELL, SHE KNOWS ME THROUGH AND THROUGH ♪

♪ AND SHE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ AND HOW TO PLEASE ME

♪ SHE'S A LADY

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA

LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT NEED THAT ELEPHANT AGAIN.

♪ TALKING ABOUT THE LITTLE LADY ♪♪

[music stops]

WALLACE!

I'M CALLING YOU OUT!

WELL, THIS IS A SURPRISE.

DID HELL FREEZE OVER OR WHAT?

WHERE'S VIDA?

OUT BUYING MORE CONDOMS. WHY?

WHERE'S VIDA?

ACTUALLY, SHE'S OVER AT THE HOSPITAL

BEING TREATED FOR THIGH CHAFE.

ONCE YOU'VE HAD A CLOWN, YOU NEVER GO BACK.

WHERE'S VIDA?

SHE'S OVER AT THE SUNOCO RESTROOM VASELINING UP HER BODY

SO SHE CAN SQUEEZE INTO ONE OF THESE,

THE OFFICIAL DR. NAPALM ASSISTANT SUIT.

SOON TO BE "AS SEEN ON T.V."

I'M FIGHTING FOR YOU, BABY!

I'M FIGHTING FOR YOU, BABY!

GET SOME FIRE EXTINGUISHERS! GET THE POWER BACK ON!

I'M GONNA ASK YOU ONE LAST TIME, WHERE'S VIDA?

[coughs]

LOOK OUTSIDE, ASSHOLE.

[coughs]

THAT'S FOR MY PICKUP TRUCK.

AND AS FOR YOUR SORRY EXCUSE FOR A WIFE...

VIDA'S NOT HERE,

'CAUSE SHE'S A LOSER, JUST LIKE YOU.

[grunting]

YOU'RE GOIN' ON T.V. OVER MY DEAD BODY.

RUIN MY HOME. RUIN MY MARRIAGE.

I'LL BE DAMNED IF YOU'RE GONNA RUIN

THE REST OF MY LIFE.

YOU SELF-HATING FREAK.

IT'S A GIFT

NOT A CURSE.

AND YOU DON'T DESERVE IT.

JUST LIKE YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT WOMAN YOU'RE WITH.

OH, DON'T TELL ME WHAT I DO...

I'LL TELL YOU WHATEVER I LIKE!

EVER SINCE WE WERE KIDS,

EVER SINCE HORACE BRAINTREE'S CLUBHOUSE,

WHEN YOU CONVINCED YOURSELF AND DAMN-NEAR CONVINCED ME

THAT WE WERE MURDERERS, YOU'VE DREADED WHO WE ARE!

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING, WILDER.

WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT MAN WAS IN THERE!

WE WERE LITTLE KIDS!

[fire alarm ringing]

MIDLOTHIAN SHOPPING CENTER. MULTIPLE FIRES. LORD, WHAT A DAY!

[men grunting]

LOOK WHAT THAT GUY'S DOING TO OUR MEAL TICKET.

[rumbling]

IT'S GONNA BLOW!

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! COME ON.

[trumpeting]

COME ON! COME ON!

[chattering]

[fire engine siren wailing]

COME ON, SWEETIE!

[horn blaring]

WILDER!

UGH!

[grunting]

YEE-HAW!

THE DOCTOR IS IN!

YEE-HAW.

[screams]

[Vida grunting]

VIDA!

GET OFF OF HIM. GET OUT OF THE WAY.

GET OUT OF THAT SILLY SUIT AND STOP THIS NOW!

VIDA!

MY ARM!

MY ARM!

VIDA!

[screaming]

[police sirens wailing]

OH, NO. YOU THINK I KILLED HIM?

I MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM.

GOOD SHOT, WILDER!

GET BACK!

[chattering]

I'M NOT FIGHTING YOU ANYMORE, WALLACE.

THERE'S NO REASON TO FIGHT ANYMORE.

YOU WIN.

EVERYBODY KNOWS.

YOU WIN.

DON'T GIVE ME THAT SANCTIMONIOUS SHIT!

IT'S OVER 'CAUSE YOU SAY IT'S OVER?

YOU DON'T GET IT, DO YOU,

YOU PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PISSANT?

YOU ARE NOT WIPING AWAY 32 YEARS

OF MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF CRAP,

SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU CHOOSE NOT TO FIGHT!

NOW GET UP AND FLAME ON!

I'M GONNA TAKE MY WIFE FOR A SPIN ON THE TILT-A-WHIRL.

WANT TO COME?

WHAT?

I'M NOT FIGHTING YOU.

THEN YOU'RE BURNING!

GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, FOLKS. EVERYTHING'S FINE.

DON'T RUN. EVERYTHING'S UNDER CONTROL.

OK, THE FERRIS WHEEL!

OK!

ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, BROTHER, YOU'RE GONNA BURN!

WILDER!

WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO GO!

(Vida) HEY, WALLACE!

ALL RIGHT, COMING THROUGH.

ALL RIGHT, ALREADY. SO, WHO'S GOT THE BIGGER ONE?

BIFF THE CLOWN, NEAR AS I CAN TELL.

THANKS.

YEAH.

ARE YOU GONNA WALK OVER TO THOSE DEPUTIES?

YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH.

ME, TOO.

OK.

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, GOOD.

(announcer on T.V.) AND NOW A MAN WHO WON'T BE OFFENDED

IF YOU CALL HIM AN AMAZON GODDESS,

DAVID LETTERMAN!

[audience cheering]

(Letterman) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE WERE ALL TERRIBLY EXCITED

THE LAST TIME OUR NEXT GUEST WAS ON...

OH, SHOOT! HE'S ALREADY ON.

HERE HE IS, DR. NAPALM.

[audience clapping]

(Letterman) GREAT TO SEE YA. HOW ARE YOU?

HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE LEFT?

IS IT 4 MONTHS UNTIL YOUR PAROLE?

(Napalm) THAT'S CORRECT, DAVID, 4 MONTHS,

PROVIDED I CONTINUE TO BEHAVE.

AND IN THE MEANTIME, MY WORK-RELEASE PROGRAM

SENDS ME TO HOSPITAL BURN WARDS

AND ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS, WHERE I...

I REALLY LIKE HIS NEW KINGSFORD COMMERCIAL.

ALSO, MY VARIOUS PRODUCT ENDORSEMENTS

HAVE MORE THAN PAID FOR THE DAMAGED PROPERTY

I CAUSED DURING MY LAWLESS PERIOD.

SO...

AND SO I FEEL THAT THE HEALING PROCESS...

...WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK?

...THE LAST TIME YOU WERE HERE...

MY LAST SET DOESN'T START UNTIL 1:00.

[alarm ringing]

♪ WHENEVER I'M WITH HER

♪ SOMETHING INSIDE

♪ STARTS TO BURNIN'

♪ AND I'M FILLED WITH DESIRE

♪ COULD IT BE A DEVIL IN ME

♪ OR IS THIS THE WAY LOVE'S SUPPOSED TO BE? ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ BURNING IN MY HEART

♪ I CAN'T KEEP FROM CRYIN'

♪ IT'S TEARIN' ME APART

♪ WHENEVER SHE CALLS MY NAME

♪ SO SLOW, SWEET AND PLAIN

♪ RIGHT THEN, RIGHT THERE

♪ I FEEL THAT BURNIN' FLAME

♪ HAS HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE GOT A HOLD ON ME ♪

♪ OR IS THIS THE WAY LOVE'S SUPPOSED TO BE? ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ BURNING IN MY HEART

♪ I CAN'T KEEP FROM CRYIN'

♪ IT'S TEARING ME APART

♪ DOO, DO, DO, DO

♪ DO-WAH, DO-WAH

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ DO-WAH, DO-WAH

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ AH, AH

♪ AH, AH

♪ HEAT WAVE

♪ SOMETIMES I STARE IN SPACE

♪ TEARS ALL OVER MY FACE

♪ CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, DON'T UNDERSTAND IT ♪

♪ I AIN'T NEVER FELT LIKE THIS BEFORE ♪

♪ THIS FUNNY FEELING HAS ME AMAZED ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, MY HEAD'S IN A HAZE ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT, GIRL

♪ GO AHEAD, GIRL

♪ WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT, GIRL

♪ AIN'T NOTHING BUT LOVE, GIRL ♪

♪ DON'T PASS UP THIS CHANCE

♪ THIS TIME IT'S TRUE ROMANCE ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE A HEAT WAVE

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH

♪ BURNING, BURNING, BURNING, YEAH ♪

♪ HEAT WAVE

♪ YEAH, YEAH

♪ BURNING, BURNING, BURNING, YEAH ♪

♪ HEAT WAVE

♪ DO-DOO, DO, DO-DO

♪ DO, DO-DO, DOO, WAH-WAH, OOH, WAH-WAH ♪

♪ HEAT WAVE ♪