Original subtitles

Seamus?

Frankie?

Erm...

Seamus? Who is she?

Frankie-I'm his cousin.

Your cousin? / Yeah.

Seamus had a wee fall and I was helping him.

Really? / Yeah.

Right.

Such a klutz.

Oh, OK.

Thank God, 'cause for a minute there I thought-

Oh, no, my God! That, that, that's ridiculous, it was just a fall!

Oh, my God! Your cousin? Yes, his cousin.

Anyway, surprise!

So I'm only here for the night

but I rented us a cottage in the countryside.

Wow! / Amazing!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...

Fuck!

OK!

Fuck, fuck, fuck-Sorry!

Hello, here now. Sorry.

Hi. Guess what?

What?

Janet's coming with us.

No. Like I keep on saying, it's very kind of you

but I... I really don't want to impose.

No, we do have to talk more about Seamus' family. / Oh, that can wait.

But we have so many questions. It's not a good time. / Seamus, tell her she has to come with us.

Well, er... Yeah, I can't.

Just come with us! I really can't-No, no.

Say yes, it'll be fun-I really can't. / To have an adventure.

Look, it'll be too... Well, yeah...

You're Seamus' family. You must! You must just for one night.

I would love to-You have to!

It's a very firm no.

And there she was, right by the Cafe Nero.

Wow, that's amazing.

So how did you two work out you were related?

Er...

Well, it was, erm...

It was you who first worked it out, wasn't it, Janet?

Was it me, aye? / Yeah.

So how did you work it out, Janet?

Well, I thought he looked familiar. Yeah.

Because you'd seen him on the telly? No.

Because he looked like my uncle. Oh, right.

Yeah. I mean, exactly like my uncle. Exactly like him.

So I said to him, "Are you any relation to..."

Anyway, we talked about your father, whose name was-Your father?

Yeah, and as I said at the time, I never actually knew my father, so...

It's tragic. Yes, that's right.

So what do you know about Seamus' dad? Because we've been looking for him for years. / He's dead.

Oh...

Oh, darling...

I don't really know anything about him. He's dead that's all I know. He's dead.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, dear...

Jesus fucking Christ! I'm sorry.

Why did you have to tell her that you knew my father?

Well, I had to tell her something.

How was I supposed to know you had such a complicated family history?

Why didn't you stop her from dragging me here? / I'm sorry, OK?

I was frozen in terror.

I can't handle this. It's too fucking stressful!

Right, she's coming. Just be cool, be cool. OK, be cool.

Right...

Janet, I was thinking, do you think we could speak to some of your family

about any memories they might have of Seamus' father?

Oh, baby, do we have to keep talking about this?

Darling, are you alright? You're talking funny.

I just, erm...

I think I'm actually really nervous about this interview with the Foreign Secretary tomorrow.

Don't worry about that 'cause I've done some studying

on Nisha Anand and got quite a clear strategy for you.

Oh, yeah, what is it?

I mean, we don't want to bore Janet with this inside baseball bullshit.

Oh, Janet doesn't mind. Do you, Janet?

No. Oh, you're very sweet, Janet.

Basically, you have to push on the Free Trade Agreement with China.

It's about leadership style, she has low ideology of her own.

I mean, if you think about it, she's changed her mind.

I mean, she's done a complete U-turn. / Exactly.

She's alienated herself. / Exactly, she's alienated herself.

♪ BLONDIE: Heart of Glass

♪ Seemed like the real thing, only to find

♪ Mucho mistrust, love's gone behind... ♪

It's only half an hour away from the city

and it's like you're in a different world.

Lovely. Yeah...

Lovely.

Look how lovely and dinky it is? OK...

Ahh...

It's perfect. I feel like we've travelled back in time.

Sweet. It's a kind of quaint idyll. Oh, God, Seamus!

Just a sec.

A cow, I think I can see a cow.

There's a higher power at work here.

This was meant to be.

This is the universe pulling you back to Ireland to meet Janet.

Oh, before I forget. We have to put a photo up on Instagram.

Oh, really? Do we have to do that now?

I promised the owner we would. Can't we just do it and get it over with

and then we can enjoy the rest of our night? / Yeah.

My God, I'm so embarrassed doing this poseur bollocks in front of other people.

I'm really sorry that you had to witness this, Janet.

Nah, it's fine. Do you want me to take it?

Would you mind? It would make it all much quicker. OK, fab.

Right. OK.

OK...

OK, darling, so just tilt your chin. Yeah.

Then just turn it now. Uh-hm.

Ready? / Yeah.

OK, there you go. Yes, all done.

OK. Fab!

Right, well, I... I'm pooped. I think we should go to bed. / Yeah.

Oh, don't be such a bore. It's a beautiful night.

Let's go out into the garden and get to know each other.

I'm going to take the blankets, darling, see you at the firepit.

Gorgeous out here, isn't it? Hmm.

So tell me everything, Janet. What do you do for a living?

I work in a supermarket. Oh, that's great and are you married?

Er, no. My, my husband's...

He's dead.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. How did he die?

Well, uh...

Janet, I don't think-

Have you guys ever done wife-swapping?

No.

Well, Jimmy and me, we went to this swingers party. / Yeah?

And there was a big woman there who was like a dominatrix, you know?

And she took a real shine to Jimmy.

So he went off with her and I went off with her husband who was nice.

Yeah.

But I felt, like, uncomfortable... So I went to look for Jimmy. / Right.

And, erm... Oh! / Oh, God.

Do you know what pegging is?

Yes! When you strap on a dildo and penetrate the man.

When a woman fucks a man with a-Exactly, Frankie.

Yes, OK, so she was pegging your husband? OK.

He had this big smile on his face. He looked so happy.

But he wasn't breathing.

It was like he was frozen in some sort of sexual ecstasy.

And then I realised what had happened. / Oh?

She'd fucked him to death.

You're a fucking monster. I'm sorry, I couldn't resist.

You're a monster. That is hilarious. I actually almost believed you.

Frankie! I had you, come on now!

You got me. You know, I do love that kind of comedy. Seamus hates anything like that.

But I think it's so important to ease tension.

You are obviously masking some genuine pain with that story though.

So what did happen with you and your husband?

He left me for another woman.

Right, you see? But you can laugh about it. Like Seamus' mum with the aborted abortion.

The what? / Oh, you don't know the abortion story?

She... My family don't really talk about the past.

OK, so you know that Seamus' dad... Yeah, yeah.

Was a Catholic and his mum was a Protestant.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. So, go on.

Well... when my mum was pregnant with me she was sent to London

to have an abortion.

Obviously, didn't go through with it.

Erm, she took everything she had,

rented a bedsit in Walthamstow and raised me there alone.

She had such a hard life but she was able to laugh about it.

You remind me of Seamus' mum. You have that same darkness.

I love it.

It's so powerful that ability to, you know, to go there.

And over.

There we go. That's going to be lovely. / Safe and neat.

Sweet dreams, darling, nighty night.

Ohhh...

See you tomorrow, cuz.

So here's a nightgown and a spare toothbrush for you.

She's always prepared. / Girl Scout. True.

12 years while you were dancing around pools.

Well, you know, re-tuning my G string.

Argh, I forgot my pyjamas.

Oh, sleep naked.

I'm sorry, I can't. I can't, I'm sorry.

I just keep thinking about my father.

Oh... Yeah, I'm sorry.

Would it be really selfish if I... What?

I'm just really horny. OK.

Do you mind if I...? No, not at all.

Toxic

♪ Baby, can't you see I'm calling... ♪

♪ Should wear a warning It's dangerous... ♪

♪ There's no escape I can't wait ♪

♪ Baby, give me it You're dangerous ♪

♪ Too high Can't come down

♪ Losing my head Spinning 'round and 'round... ♪

I got 500 likes for my tweet about Michael Gove.

Mmmm.

Argh! C'mon... Fucking bastard motherfucker.

There's no phone signal.

Why do you need phone signal?

To get a taxi out of here.

You can't do that. Frankie'll wonder where you've gone.

I don't give a fuck about Frankie.

She'll get suspicious and think that something's happening.

Er, nothing's happening.

And I don't want to stay anywhere near her 'cause she thinks

I'm just some stupid wee woman that works in a supermarket.

Oh, no, no, no. No, you're imagining that.

She's not a snob. That's the last thing she is.

I mean, she's good friends with Ken Loach.

I don't...

If I stay here I'm gonna end up breaking her perfect FUCKING face.

Keep your voice down, we don't want her to wake up.

Yeah, well, we wouldn't want to be too loud, would we? / Ssh.

I heard you. / Heard what?

I heard you having sex. We weren't, we weren't having sex.

I heard you. The walls are thin, I heard everything.

All right, we weren't having sex, she was masturbating.

Huh? What were you doing?

Nothing.

So she was just slapping away on her kebab and you-Sorry?

What were you doing? Slapping away on her-Who calls it that?

Were you... Were you just, like, watching her? / Oh, no.

So what were you doing

I was on Twitter.

Sorry.

I was...

Oh, my God. Is she asleep?

Yeah, she always falls asleep after... slapping her kebab.

She'll be out cold 'til morning.

Please stay.

I can't.

Right, I need a phone signal.

Fuck it.

Wait, wait, Janet.

Look, Seamus, I'm gonna call off the affair.

It's just, you know, now that I've met Frankie, it's all very real and...

Yeah. It's taken the joy out of it.

Yeah, it feels like... like the moment's gone, yeah.

Yeah... She's really nice, Frankie.

Oh, yeah, yeah, she is. Thanks.

I can see why you're with her. Yeah, she's great.

Obviously, it's a nightmare for her putting up with you.

Yeah-Wait, what do you mean?

Well, you know, the way you're weird about sex, for example.

What?! I'm not weird about sex. Why would you say that?

Not having sex with her when she was masturbating?

That was out of respect for you.

And, you know, we do that all the time.

We probably masturbate more around each other

than we actually make love.

God, fuck, that is a bit weird, isn't it?

It started as something kinda sexy and transgressive

and we do it so much now it's just got a bit boring.

Anyway, it's a bit rich you telling me that I'm weird about sex.

That's two stories you've told about your ex-husband being killed by a dildo.

It's the death that fucker deserves.

I can't imagine what he was like, your husband.

Do you like Game of Thrones? I think they film it round here.

God, no, I hate Game of Thrones.

What? Why?

Well, it's...

It's full of naked women.

You don't like naked women?

No, no, I love naked women.

I just, not when it's like that, you know, exploitative and misogynistic.

So you've never seen it?

God, no, why would I watch that? It's full of dragons and swords and vampires.

There's no vampires in Game of Thrones.

And ghosts. I fucking hate ghosts. Ghosts are fucking stupid.

Don't be saying that, they might hear you.

Are you serious? / I've never been more serious about anything in my life.

You-Sorry, you believe in ghosts? Yes.

Well, do you have proof? Have you seen one?

No, not personally but, you know, I know people who have. / Aha?

My friend saw the ghost of her uncle. He was killed in the Troubles.

Oh, God, sorry, that's awful.

Well, he appeared to her in a greengrocers and he says,

"Dear hear, love, don't buy them there apples. They've got the wrong sell by date on them."

Sorry, so the ghost of her uncle was advising her not to buy apples?

She says it was exactly the kind of thing he would have said if he was alive. / Aha...

And, you know, at first I thought she was just imagining it. Of course she was.

No, but she went ahead and bought the apples and the very next day, guess what?

What?

They went off.

Yeah, oh, yeah, see that, that doesn't prove anything.

That just proves that fruit is perishable.

All that stuff Frankie said about your mum?

Yeah?

Does that mean you're actually a Protestant?

Oh, my God, that's your takeaway from my tragic childhood story?

You're actually a Protestant.

No, stop it. No, I just mean Seamus O'Hannigan's a really Catholic name.

OK, so it's not actually my real name. / Huh?

Erm, OK, so when I was a teenager

and I was trying to be a journalist,

I felt like it might connect me with my Irish roots.

Also, there was a very famous journalist

with the same name so I had to change it.

So what's your real name?

OK, you can't laugh.

I promise, I won't laugh. What's your name?

John Snow.

Unbelievable.

You said you wouldn't laugh!

I know but... You don't even like Game of Thrones-

I know, that's another reason why I hate Game of Thrones. That fucking name!

Yeah.

Phone's run out of battery.

Just come back to the cottage.

I can't.

We could see if there's an early train?

Uh-huh.

Half five. Oh...

Not that long to wait.

You don't need to stay here with me.

Well, I'm not gonna leave you here alone.

So you know when you came to look for me earlier? / Yeah?

Did you expect something to happen?

Like what?

You mean sex?

No need to say it like a fucking nun!

What, sex?

Sorry, I'm just, I'm surprised. I thought you called the affair off.

I did. It is off. It is off.

Then why are we talking about sex?

Oh, I was just curious, don't know what you were thinking. So...

Well...

I did like our kiss earlier... on the street.

Mmm. Me too.

Can I kiss you again?

I think a kiss would be OK. A kiss would be fine, yeah.

It would just be like a continuation of the previous kiss.

That's true because we were interrupted.

Exactly, it would be like just finishing the kiss.

Yeah... it's... That's... yeah...

Oh, you fucking dickhead!

What? Why did you call me a dickhead?

You're a dickhead.

You're a fucking dickhead because you've got a woman like Frankie

and you're trying to fuck a loser like me.

Loser?

Woah, woah, woah, wait, wait, wait, listen, listen, listen.

Listen, listen, listen!

When I first met you, you were ready to blow your own head off with a shotgun. / Fuck sake.

No, no, no...

And I didn't think, "Oh, look at that loser, no wonder she wants to kill herself."

After one night with you, I couldn't stop thinking about you.

I couldn't stop wondering why this, why this brilliant, beautiful,

hilarious, exceptional woman would want to destroy herself.

This woman who, you know, when I'm with her I feel like I can breathe again.

Yeah? Well, you didn't save my life, OK?

You're not my fucking saviour. And I can get on fine without you.

Yes, I know that. I'm not here out of fucking pity!

And even though you're completely exasperating to be around,

I still choose to be here.

In fact, I'm calling off the calling off of the affair.

I'm back in Belfast next week and she won't be around

and we'll meet again then and I insist that we have sex.

In fact, I won't take no for an answer.

I mean, obviously, I will take no for an answer.

I completely understand and respect the principle of consent.

But, you know, well, I've made my point.

Well, if we're gonna have the affair...

then we may as well just go back to the cottage then.

OK.

I think the problem is neither of us have had an affair before.

Why is that a problem?

Well, we don't know the rules.

Are there rules to an affair?

There has to be rules. People can't just go about doing whatever they want.

But surely that's the point of an affair? To break the rules?

Yeah, but I think if we have rules then we wouldn't feel as bad.

OK.

Oh, good, she's not up yet.

OK? Yeah, thanks.

So, rule one...

We can't fall in love.

Yep. 'Cause I don't have time for that.

Do you think I've got time for it? With everything I've got going on right now?

So no romance, no emotional attachments. / No, none.

And that way I don't get hurt. And you don't get hurt. And she doesn't get hurt.

I hate seeing people getting hurt. I can't even watch You've Been Framed.

You watch You've Been Framed?

No, that's what I said. I said I don't watch it.

I don't. / OK, rule two. You're only in Belfast for one night a week?

Yeah, for the next five weeks.

So the affair can only take place in Belfast. / That's a great rule.

That, that way it only happens in this one place and then

we know it's an affair and not a relationship.

And then after the five weeks we just, we will just call it quits.

Brilliant. I love a time limit. Brilliant.

Rule number three,

if Frankie gets the slightest bit suspicious, we have to call it off. Yeah.

Because I don't want the drama. Me neither.

I don't want to be the other woman.

I don't my face in the papers, especially beside hers.

The papers aren't really a thing anymore, but I get your point.

What do you mean papers aren't really a thing? / Because the whole industry's moved online.

Mm, people still buy papers. Not in the numbers they used to.

I buy papers. OK, that may be true

but they still only appeal to a very limited demographic.

Look, I know what I'm talking about, I work in the media-

I know what I'm talking about,

I work in a supermarket and I see people buying papers every day.

I think we're getting side-tracked here.

Rule number four. / How many rules are there going to be?

This is going to be the last one. Good.

But it's the most important one.

What is it?

You can never leave her... for me.

Why is that the most important rule?

It's 'cause I won't make you happy.

So, they're the rules.

Agreed? Agreed.

What are you doing? Shaking hands, it's an agreement.

God, you're so fucking English.

I'm bloody Irish! / Sshh. Sorry.

You're freezing. Have you been outside?

Er, no.

I love you.

♪ PERFUME GENIUS: Can't Help Falling In Love

♪ Wise men say, only fools rush in

♪ But I can't help falling in love with you

♪ Shall I stay Would it be a sin

♪ If I can't help falling in love with you ♪

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