Original subtitles

Shit!

Nice to see you.

Jason, don't start me!

I can't believe I'm working in Turley's.

Will I actually get to meet Turley, himself? / Mm.

Do you know Primark?

Why is it called Primark?

Was the fella that started it called Primark?

I wish someone would name a shop after me.

But then who'd want to call a shop "Gemma"?

My granny Betty hates tea.

I mean it's not even that she doesn't like it, she hates it.

If you made her a cup of tea she'd throw it in your face.

I says to her once: "Granny, why do you hate tea so much?

She said: "Don't you ever ask me that again or I'll break your neck!"

This government has done more than any previous government

to end child poverty in the developing world,

but no one in the media wants to ask me about that!

And then you'd respond?

Uh... Seamus?

If I had a shop, I'd call it "Bracelets."

But I wouldn't sell bracelets.

I just really like the name, "Bracelets."

Do you know who I love? Matthew McConaughey.

Do you know what I don't love? Tomato soup.

But I like real tomatoes and I don't like potatoes.

But I do like chips. But I don't like fish.

But I do like scampi.

Seamus, I really think we should-

Seamus?

Seamus? / Yeah, just...

one sec.

Um...

Crisps, broccoli, lettuce, marzipan, porridge, curly wurleys...

Seamus, could you...?

Sausages, vegetarian sausages, vegan sausages...

Ahem.

OK, no! / Hey!

Anything vegan, anything sausage-Shut the fuck up, Gemma!

I need you to focus.

Nisha Anand is a formidable media performer.

If you're not prepared for this, she will make you look amateur-

It's fine. Stop freaking out. I'll just say, you know:

Nisha Anand, in an interview with the Daily Telegraph, you described

the 2008 Climate Change Act as a lurch towards global communism.

Seamus-Don't you think that kind of language is not just

inflammatory but hugely irresponsible?

Answer the question, Minister!

That wasn't her, Seamus.

Fuck! That was the Health Secretary!

OK, OK, OK. I'll start again.

Foreign Secretary...

I'm sorry I shouted at you.

I'm a bit stressed, I shouldn't have taken it out on you.

Are you depressed again? Who told you that?

Everyone who works here. I'm not depressed.

If anything, it's the opposite, I'm... overjoyed.

Is this about a fella? I can't talk about it.

It is about a fella!

I haven't told anyone about him and it's driving me mental.

Who is he? / He's nobody. Well he's not nobody.

He's famous! Fuck off!

His girlfriend's famous, too! He has a girlfriend?

I know, it's terrible So how'd you meet him?

I saved his life. And he saved my life!

We didn't have sex.

I mean we didn't- We didn't even kiss.

But we've been texting each other all week.

So who is he? Well, I can't tell you that.

Is it Tom Cruise? Of course it's not Tom Cruise!

He's English. Is it Hugh Grant?

No it's not Hugh Grant. Fuck it's not Simon Cowell, is it?

Stop guessing, I'm not telling you.

He's staying in the Merchant Hotel. Ooh-hoo!

Yeah, and I texted him saying,

"Oh I've always wanted to stay at the Merchant," with a sexy winking emoji.

But he hasn't replied and it's been three hours

and it's driving me fucking mental!

Should I text him and tell him I was only joking?

Cause it's-I don't want to scare him away.

Ack, you know what these English fellas are like.

You have to be very forward with them.

They're too polite.

Coming, Jason.

We've moved things around. / Yeah.

So, Nisha is up first. Uh-huh. / You have to go in hard. / OK.

I have people coming up to me on the street

and they say, "I am 100% behind you on this."

Fuck, she's really good. Do you think you're ready for this?

I really think the public's ahead of you on this one.

It's... fine.

It'll be fine.

Woah, woah, woah! There's no way I'm staying here.

This is my hotel. Oh, it looks really nice.

Sleep well.

Here you go, mate.

Thank you.

Woo-hoo!

Seamus, Seamus, Seamus.

Ooh! Ha-ha!

Yeah! Yeah, girl! Wacka, wacka. Wacka, wacka...

Hiiii.

It's only me!

Jesus fucking Christ! What are you doing here?

Turn around! / I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-

Close your eyes! I was trying to surprise you!

Surprise, surprise- Go in the other room!

I'm sorry, I just-

I'm so sorry.

That was a big misjudgement on my part.

You nearly gave me a fucking heart attack.

I thought maybe you were shy. What?

I thought you were shy, because you didn't reply to my text,

I thought you wanted something to happen, but you were being all English about it-

Sorry, I-I didn't reply to your text

so you thought you'd break into my hotel room?

I didn't break in! Attack me in the shower!

I didn't attack you in the shower, I gave you a little wave!

Did you not see my wee wave? It was-What?

If you didn't want me to come up, why did you tell me what room you were staying in?

Well... because I wanted to brag about staying in Room Number One!

I didn't expect you to show up! Why care about the number of the room?

Because it's the Presidential Suite! Bill Clinton slept here! / What?

Look, anyway, how did you get in?

Oh, the cleaner was leaving when I arrived so I just-Jesus Christ!

Look, I'm sorry, I only meant to knock on your door.

I never intended to drink your champagne and eat your chocolates.

You drank my champagne?

Only most of it.

Wh-wh-where are you going? Home.

Well, don't just go! You don't seem happy to see me.

No, I am.

Look, do you want to go for a drink?

Well, do you want to get dressed?

So why do you think you're staying at the Presidential Suite?

Erm, hmm, because I am.

The Presidential Suite's in the Europa, which is a different hotel.

No-It's not the Presidential Suite. No, no, no, no, no.

It's not the Presidential... Oh, excuse me. Hi. / Yes? - Hi.

Erm, ahem, I'm staying in Room 1. Yes, sir.

Which is... Room 1.

Yes, er, but could you tell this lady, the very important,

famous guest, who once stayed there? She doesn't believe me.

Ah. Certainly, sir.

On his "One Last Time" tour in 2004,

Barry Manilow did stay in Room 1. But it was only for the one night.

No, no, no. Not, not, not Barry Manilow.

I meant, erm, you know, erm, Bill Clinton.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm afraid President Clinton never stayed here.

Perhaps you're, erm, thinking of the Europa?

Yeah, perhaps, could be.

I should've double-checked.

My mind's been very taken up with this extremely important

interview I've got tomorrow. Hmm. Who's the interview with?

Nisha... Anand. / Oh!

Am I supposed to know who that is? She's the Foreign Secretary.

Farm Secretary! What?

No, no. Not, not Farm Secretary.

Sorry, the-the Foreign Secretary.

That's what I said, Farm Secretary. No, no, foreign. Foreign.

For-reign! / Oh, Foreign. Foreign. Yes.

Foreign Secretary. Why didn't you just say that?

Fuck off."I'm interviewing the Farm, Foreign Secretary!"

Oh, is that supposed to be me? It's what English people sound like.

Well, anyway, I'm not English, I'm Irish.

What's funny about that? I am Irish.

My name's Seamus O'Hannigan.

"My name's Seamus O'Hannigan. Don't you know, old bean?"Fuck off!

I can't imagine you being any good at interviewing people.

Oh, well, thank you very much!

It's only, erm, what I do for a living.

No, you're too self-absorbed.

Surely to do your job you have to be like interested in other people?

I am interested in other people! Hey, I'm interested in you. / Bollocks.

You haven't asked me one single question about myself since I sat down.

You haven't asked me anything. / I'm not interested in anything you have to say.

Well, fine, let's not talk then. Fine by me. / Fine.

I do actually have a serious question for you.

Well, I actually have a serious question for you too. / You go first.

No, no, no. You go first. I'll ask mine after-

Why do you want to kill yourself?

Why didn't you tell me you had a girlfriend?

I don't want to answer that question.

But thank you for saving my life.

Look, I'm...

I'm sorry I didn't mention I had a girlfriend.

I shouldn't have done that.

But look, we didn't actually do anything, so-

So, what are we doing here now?

Er, well, erm, I like you.

I wanted to see you again.

And, erm, I do-I do find you extremely attractive.

Wow, what do you find "extremely" attractive about me?

Pfft!

You-you want me to spell it out? Yeah.

OK.

OK, erm...

Well, I like, erm, er...

Right, I like your face. It's a nice face.

Erm, it's, erm, a very regal, er, face.

Er, your-your brow, is as- You got-You have eyes too-

Er, nice eyes-Is that it? And-And your-your smile-

You like my smile? / Yeah.

You're not gonna see me smiling much tonight

if that's the level of compliment you're giving-

Alright, alright, alright, alright. I-I-I like, erm-

I like that you always tell the truth.

I like that you clearly don't give a fuck what anyone thinks about you.

And I like how...

you're just always unapologetically you.

Janet.

Mm-hmm.

What?

What do you find attractive about me

Who says I find anything about you attractive? / Oh, come on!

Name one thing that you like about me.

Go on, one thing.

Hmm...

Oh, dear.

Your nose. / My nose? Yeah, you've a nice nose.

Pfft! / That's the only thing I like about you.

An inch bigger or smaller I-I wouldn't be here right now.

So...

what do you want to do now?

I love my girlfriend.

That's that, then.

Yeah. Yup.

I should probably go and do some work. / Um-hmm. I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna see if they've got a taxi. Yep.

Can you just give me a second? Thank you.

Thanks.

So, listen. I've just had this crazy idea. / Oh yeah? What's that?

Let's have an affair. / What?

We can't, we just-We can't. / Why, of course we can, of course we can.

Why? / People would get hurt! Who?

Well, my girlfriend for a start. She wouldn't find out, Seamus.

That's why they call it an affair. You would get hurt. / I would get hurt?

By who, by you? Who do you think you are, Seamus?

Do you think you're so good at sex,

I'll be broken-hearted if you take away the dick?

Shush! / I have a vibrator. You won't be missed.

Anyway I'm famous. It would be national news.

National news?

I hate to break this to you, mate, but, you're not that famous.

I am famous! Not really famous.

I fucking am. I am famous!

So why is nobody looking at you?

They were looking at me when I walked in.

They-They've got used to me being here by now.

Walk in again. / What?

Walk from here to here and see if anyone notices you.

No, I'm-I'm-I'm not making a spectacle of myself.

It won't be a spectacle, cause nobody'll be watching you.

Fine.

Ahem!

Hmm.

See? People were looking. Nobody was looking.

They're posh. That's how posh people respond to the presence

of a celebrity, with studied disinterest.

Anyway, you were looking at me, not them.

Let's try somewhere else.

Zip! Shh!

What the fuck's your problem? Sorry, sorry.

It's OK.

I'M SEAMUS O'HANNIGAN!

DOES NOBODY IN BELFAST KNOW WHO I AM?!

FUCK OFF, YOU ENGLISH PRICK!

Maybe I'm just famous in Islington.

OK, let's have sex.

OK, then.

OK, let's go.

Seamus O'Hannigan? Foreign Secretary!

Good evening! I, erm, didn't know you were staying here.

I'm not. I'm just having dinner with the Secretary of State. / Oh.

I'm at the Europa. Presidential Suite!

I... Hello!

I'm Nisha! Ooh.

Hello, I'm Janet. Hi.

I'm his secretary. / Assistant. Assistant.

Yeah, assistant. Assistant, yeah.

So, ready to do battle tomorrow, mister?

I'm a bit nervous. Go easy on me!

Oh, it'll be fine. Is she the politician you're interviewing tomorrow? / Yeah.

Don't be nervous, Nisha! He's nervous too!

What? I'm not nervous?

Who said I was nervous? You said it about ten minutes ago!

No, I didn't. I never said that. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Where do I know your face from? She's the Foreign Secretary.

Oh, my holy fuck! You were on Celebrity Come Dine With Me! / I was!

Jason Donovan hated your lasagne!

You know what? A lot of the snobby types in the party, and the media,

criticised me for doing reality TV but I loved every second of it!

You were brilliant! Aw, thank you, pet!

The look on your face when Jedward handed you that pear flan!

The stories I could tell you about Jedward!

Tell me, tell me, tell me! Oh, we should get going.

Right, bye.

Now she is famous. / She's a cunt!

I thought she was nice.

Why'd you have to tell her I was nervous?

I hate her knowing that I'm nervous. She said she was nervous, too.

Well, I know she's nervous and she knows I'm nervous,

but now I know she knows I'm nervous-

So, everybody's nervous and everybody knows everybody's nervous.

What's the big deal? It sabotages the dynamic.

I don't know what that means.

It's a media term, you wouldn't understand.

Where are you going? I'm going home.

I thought we were going to-This isn't gonna work.

What-What's not going to work? This, this, and this.

You think I'm beneath you. No, I don't!

You think I'm stupid. Oh my God!

Where-Where's this coming from? No, I don't!

I embarrassed you. / When?

Just now in front of the Farm Secretary.

Foreign-Foreign! Fucking Foreign Secretary. Fuck!

Well, look it's-It's just-

Seamus, we're completely different people,

from completely different worlds. It shouldn't matter. / It does though.

Ah well, big lad.

It wasn't meant to be.

How will you get home?

I'll get the bus.

Come on!

"Does the minister agree with Labour's plans

to work with the British Business Bank

to support female families achieve their ambitions?"

"Hear, hear."

"I have been hurt on here,

like in here, you kind of get away with it..."

Ugh!

I said, "Ugh!"

I know, love. And it'd turn your stomach, wouldn't it?

Fuck it!

Are you getting on or what?

Where's the bus stop? Left on the corner.

Thank you, thank you-

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Fuck! Fuck!

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Uh, fuck!

Was that the bus for the Newtownards Road?

Aye, you just missed it, son. Ah, shit.

Huh?

You didn't get on the bus?

Might have.

Might have got off again.

I had a craving for an ice cream and I thought,

"Fuck it, I'll get myself an ice cream and then I'll go home."

Do you mind if I join you?

Um...

You know, every time I've been to Belfast, it's never places like this.

I'm always stood beside a mural or stuck in a farmhouse

interviewing a terrorist.

I mean, this is lovely.

Well, that never used to be a sushi bar.

They used to execute people in there. / Huh.

Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that.

I'm sorry. Are-Are you OK?

What-what did you do that for? Argh!

It was just instinct.

I'm not used to people trying to kiss me.

I think my nose is broken. Oh god! Let me see.

Let me see, let me see. Oh fuck!

There. No. Fine. It's still a-

Yup, still a lovely nose.

Seamus?

Frankie?

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