Original subtitles

♪ Wellness

♪ It's 7:00am

♪ I wake after having had on average

♪ Seven hours and 41 minutes sleep

♪ I've analysed my sleep over the years

♪ And found this is the perfect amount for me

♪ I often got to Hyde Park, take off my shoes

♪ And stare at the sun for 20 minutes

♪ Being barefoot grounds me

♪ And I receive electrons from the Earth

♪ I sun-stare because the UV rays aren't toxic in my eyes

♪ The first hour after sunrise

♪ And it resets my circadian rhythms

♪ 8:30

♪ Turn on my human charger

♪ A device that shines light into my ear and gives me energy...

Big day today? Yep!

♪ At some point between meetings

♪ I try to have a shot of activated charcoal

♪ They sell it out of Pret now

♪ Mm, we're so blessed in Britain Cheers buddy.

I love you! Seamus! / Seamus!

Hey you. Seamus?

I just wanted to say a quick hello- Oh yeah! Sure, let's do this.

Ok, here we go... Smile!

Have a good day, you.

Seamus! Hey, buddy.

There's lots of- WOMAN: Sorry...

Seamus.

They said we've got to have it out by Thursday.

Seamus! Hey, Tim!

Seamus! Ah-ha-ha!

Ndidi. Hi.

Uh, have you two already met?

Sort of. I'm Ndidi.

Your producer. Oh, hi!

God. I'm sorry, I thought you were a...

I thought you were a fan! Oh no, I am a fan!

But I'm-I'm also a producer! Agh!

I feel like a dick!

Right, come on! Yeah, yeah.

That's it so far. Seamus O'Hannigan's TV show.

It's fucking amazing! When can I tweet about it?

We're officially announcing at noon. And there's been a change

in location too. I don't know if your agent's told you.

No? We're broadcasting from somewhere

a bit different from the norm. It's really exciting.

Somewhere you know very well. Begins with an I.

Islington! Woo! I won't even need a driver!

No, no, no, no Ireland. Northern Ireland.

Belfast, to be precise.

Belfast? We thought you'd be happy.

Isn't that where you're from? Um...

Well, my-my mum was, yeah, but I...

I haven't been back for years.

It's not ideal, but you only have to be there one or two days a week.

We're under pressure to produce more content from outside London.

It was Belfast or Cardiff, so we thought with your background-

This is good. I'm... No, I'm-I'm happy.

Give me a chance to...

"get back in touch wit' me roots".

♪ YOUNG SPENCER: Straight Outta Belfast

♪ Straight out of Belfast and I'm bringing the boys

♪ I got on Luca on the beat, we're bringing the noise

♪ In the north, west, south, and the east

♪ I've reds, blues, orange and greens

♪ In the Woodvale, Oldpark, GC, BS

♪ Screaming skulls and the SRD

♪ Ah, in the west, Poleglass and Twinbrook

♪ Ah, down Divis that be spinning the wheels

♪ Ain't no ah can do what we do

♪ Bombing MD... Fuck it.

♪ ..Keeper lit ya cunt, yee. ♪

Damaged goods.

Janet?

I'll keep this brief, Janet. You'll keep what brief?

What I'm about to say to you. What are you about to say?

I'm about to say it if you'll let me speak-

Oh, I wouldn't call this brief. Stop it!

Stop everything you're doing.

The swearing, lateness, stealing-I don't swear.

You swore at Jason. He provoked me.

Why, what did he say? "Good morning"

So, he said "good morning" and you said...

"Suck a fucking dick"? Who says "good morning" anyway?

I mean, what does he think he is? A fucking Disney princess?!

He's lucky I didn't punch him. Janet, I do not enjoy firing people.

But if you keep going like this- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll stop it.

I'll stop everything. Yeah. Take the rest of the day off.

Come in tomorrow with a new attitude. I'll do it tonight.

Do what?

How's your mental health these days?

Suck a fucking dick, Philip.

The issue of setting up a truth and Reconciliation Commission...

The visiting group of senators will be talking to the leaders

of all the main parties to try to find a way forward...

Join me, Seamus O'Hannigan, for a brand-new current affairs show

broadcasting live from Belfast this Sunday.

This Sunday with Seamus O'Hannigan.

We'll be talking to the UK's leading politicians and asking them

the questions you want answered. So join us this Sunday for

This Sunday with Seamus O'Hannigan, with me, Seamus O'Hannigan.

Cut! It's a bit repetitive isn't it?

Yeah... A few too many "This Sundays".

Yeah. And too many "Seamus O'Hannigans"?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, maybe.

Ndidi. Yeah?

Ndidi? Yeah.

Er... Sorry. Thanks.

Are these... Are these new pages?

I thought you'd missed some important points. / Yeah.

Let's not bring up suicide, shall we?

We don't want to lose our audience in the first week.

Northern Ireland has one of the highest suicide rates in the UK.

I thought we should at least- Look, I get it Ndidi. You're...

keen to make a mark. But, um, hey,

I've been doing this a long time. So, let me try something, OK?

What is unemployment?

Wikipedia defines unemployment as "the situation of actively

looking for employment whilst not currently being employed".

Like these "lads" you see standing next me.

Here, in this divided city, still reeling

from the collective national trauma

of the conflict known as "The Troubles".

You can sense the legacy of violence

still resting on their young shoulders.

Now, to you or I they may seem desperate,

dangerous, criminal, even.

Hello! / Fuck off. These young men...

Dickhead. Seek only one thing...

Hope.

Jesus fucking Christ! Who are you calling dangerous?

I wasn't actually calling you-God! Everyone calm down.

No! Stop it!

We have permission to film! Blah!

Help! Jesus!

Please, get off him! Call the police!

Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

Help!

Seamus!

There he is! Get after him!

Fuck.

Little shits! Come here! Come back!

We only want to talk to you about your TV show.

Fuck!

Grab those legs!

Help me!

You saved my life.

You saved mine.

Fucking prick! They took my phone. Wait!

Can I just come in and, um...

Please, er, can I call a taxi?

Can a girl not kill herself in peace today?!

And as we enter this year's marching season,

tensions are rising throughout the province...

I'm fucking drenched.

Fucking all over you. Look at the state of yous.

Fuckin' all over me.

Of parades but as yet no consensus has been...

fighting this battle for... starting to hot up,

but the red team and the blue team

are trying to make a profit of their own.

Hello. Hi.

Um, listen, would you... would you mind if I wait inside?

It's just there's still some rather...

unsavoury characters out there and, um...

Do you wanna watch TV?

Y-Y-Yeah, yeah?

There's nothing on. Oh?

Oh! Shit my phone!

How long did they say they'd be? The taxi?

Yeah. Um... Oh, er, about...

20 minutes, so not long.

No.

Not long at all.

You hungry?

It's just toast.

I wasn't planning on having dinner tonight.

So... why do you want to kill yourself?

What brings you to Belfast? Oh, um...

I'm, uh, presenting a TV series.

You're presenting? Yes.

A TV series? Yes.

You're presenting? Yes.

A TV series? Yes.

Are you a TV presenter? Yeah.

Fuck off! That was quite sore actually.

Are you famous? Er, well kind of.

Ow. Could you stop hitting me please?

Fuck! A famous TV presenter!

In my kitchen!

Do you really not know who I am? No.

I thought you did the way you were looking at me in the bedroom.

I wasn't looking at you in the bedroom. / You were.

You were looking at me in the mirror. / I don't know what you're talking about.

If anything, you were looking at me. How would you know

I was looking at you unless you were looking at me?

What's your TV show called? Uh, it's called

This Sunday with Seamus O'Hannigan. Who's Seamus O'Hannigan?

Well, I am. Oh.

What other TV shows have you presented? / Uh...

Well... Well, technically...

OK, I came from radio-You're not actually a TV presenter.

Well, I mean I've guest presented things.

I've been a panellist on other shows.

What kind of shows? The Politics Hour.

Never heard of it. Politics Today?

Nope. The Political Notebook?

I don't really follow politics. That's probably why you haven't heard of me.

Probably cos you're not really famous. / But I am quite famous.

But not famous like Charlotte Crosby or Stacey Solomon. / Who are they?

Geordie Shore? Who's Geordie Shore?

Oh no, don't worry, don't worry, I-I'll look them up.

Oh, fucking hell, my phone!

How do you not know who Stacey Solomon is?

X Factor? I'm a Celebrity? Celebrity Juice?

Celebrity Gogglebox? Oh jeez, you mean Reality TV?

Jesus Christ, no. I mean, that's just for ignorant morons

who'd be better off shooting themselves in the fucking face.

No offence.

That'll be your taxi.

Yeah...

Uh... Listen, are you gonna be ok?

Fuck!

Oh fuck! Oh shit!

Fuck, fuck, oh fuck.

Fuck, oh shit.

Oh? Oh fuck!

Oh.

Fucking hell!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were trying to kill yourself again.

I'm eating a bar of chocolate.

Would you mind calling me a taxi? Again?

Please?

Er, no, that's dead on. I'll try someone else.

I've rang every taxi firm in East Belfast.

They're all booked up. You won't get a cab for hours.

Oh... fuck.

Is-Is there no one else you can try? Look, mate, I'm not doing this

all night! Sorry, yeah. Ok. Well, thanks...

I can walk, I suppose.

Thanks for trying.

You're welcome to stay the night. Oh. Uh, well...

Obviously, I don't mean- No, I know, no I mean I-

It's just it's late, you know-I didn't think you meant anything.

Anyway, the offer's there. I appreciate it.

It's not an offer of anything more than a bed. / Right. Right.

Oh and when I say bed, you know, I don't mean, fucking-Gotcha.

You can sleep on the sofa. Thanks.

Woo-hoo!

Yeah!

So, do I have to worry about an irate husband

coming home and finding a strange man on his sofa?

My husband's dead.

Oh. Sorry.

He died two months ago.

Is that why you're depressed? Who said I was depressed?

Oh, um, well you were...

You were trying to ki... Uh...

I'd prefer not to talk about it. OK.

It's just, it-it's good to talk about these things. You know.

It's good to... It can be helpful to get them off your chest.

And I'm-I'm a very good listener.

Well, actually-In fact, I-I-I once interviewed

the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, and he said...

he said, it was the best interview he's ever done because...

because I'm such a good listener.

Yeah, it might be good to talk about it, actually. / Yeah.

Yeah...

So, how did he die? I killed him.

What?

I murdered him. Oh...

It was a sex game gone wrong.

I was dominating him and I took it too far.

I shoved a... what do you call it?

It's like a... it's like a vibrator, but it...

it doesn't vibrate. A dildo?

Dildo? / Yeah. Yeah, a dildo.

Yeah, I shoved a dildo down his throat and he, um...

he choked on it.

He choked on a dildo.

Mm.

I'm joking.

Fu...

He left me for another woman.

Sleep tight.

Hi. Jesus Christ!

I couldn't sleep in my room because of the broken window.

Yeah. It's too cold.

Hiya.

Hi.

Better get ready for work.

'This Sunday with...'

'Hello and welcome to the very first... very first...

Oh shit. Come on. This Sunday with Seamus...

Hello we're in Belfast live for...'

Morning.

You alright?

Yeah, just... just a bit nervous.

About this interview. What interview?

I'm interviewing the, uh...

the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

You know, when I'm nervous I sing.

Sorry, you what? I made up this wee song

and I sing it to myself whenever I feel nervous.

Come on, let's hear it then.

No, I don't think so. Come on sing the song.

No, I'm not singing it. Please sing the song.

I'm not singing it. It really... I wanna hear-

Don't be nervous. Nerves are for dickheads.

So, if you're nervous that makes you a dickhead

So, don't be...

fucking nervous.

Wow! / I knew you wouldn't fucking appreciate it.

No, no, it's not that, it's just, it's like,

let's be honest, it doesn't rhyme at all. / So?

Well, I mean, there's no tune.

I mean, you couldn't categorise it as a song.

Well, it's worked though, hasn't it? How?

It's... You're not worrying anymore.

Yeah.

♪ RYAN MCMULLAN: RUTHLESS CUPID

♪ Don't wanna leave but I gotta go home

♪ Where'd you come from, where did you go?

♪ I don't recall ever feeling so low

♪ Washed up and burned out, 30 years old

♪ I'm holding out for a little romance

♪ But nobody's ever said "shut up and dance"

♪ Like the way that you did babe

♪ Yeah, you made me feel something

What? ♪ Oh, honey come back

♪ You never told me your name

♪ What kind of game have you got me in?

♪ Whatever it is, I'd let you win

♪ Oh, now I see you with some other guy

♪ Washed up and pissed off... If you can't stand the heat,

then get out of the kitchen. I hope you've enjoyed

this first show as much as I have.

Thanks for joining us. See you next Sunday.

Keep her lit, Seamus.

Well done Seamus, that was brilliant.

We love you Seamus!

Get on Seamus.

♪ Oh, honey come back, you never told me your name

Good morning.

♪ I should've known it would always end up this way

♪ Oh, Cupid, you're ruthless

♪ Oh, Cupid, I'm just stupid

♪ But Cupid, this goose chase ain't over yet. ♪

Ladies and Gentlemen,

we are experiencing a little turbulence coming into London.

Please remain in your seats as the captain has

put on the fasten your seatbelt sign.

Don't be nervous.

Nerves are for dickheads.

So, if you're nervous, it makes you a dickhead.

So, don't be...

fucking nervous.

Huh.

Seamus? I thought you were still in Ireland.

I just got back.

Oh my God, what happened to your face?

I was attacked by a gang of thugs in Belfast.

Why didn't you call me? They stole my phone.

Hi. Hi.

Did-Did you still do the show? Didn't you watch it?

Sorry, I actually was filming all night.

Did you see my interview in The Observer?

They mentioned you a lot. Me? It's not about me.

You're a totally brilliant actor in your own right.

I'm so sick of this patriarchal bullshit!

Shall we go for dinner?

♪ THE VACCINES: If You Wanna

♪ Well, I don't want to wake up in the morning

♪ But I've got to face the day

♪ That's what all the friends

♪ I do not like as much as you say

♪ I don't want to do things independently

♪ But I can't make you stay

♪ That's what all the friends

♪ I do not like as much as you say

♪ But if you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back

♪ Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back to me

♪ Alone

♪ All alone

♪ I, I am on my own

♪ Alone

♪ All alone

♪ I, I am on my own

♪ But if you wanna come back it's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back

♪ Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back to me

♪ But do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back

♪ Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back

♪ Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back

♪ Do you wanna come back? It's alright, it's alright

♪ It's alright if you wanna come back to me. ♪

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