Original subtitles

[elevator bell dings]

Hey, Esther, how you doing?

[phone camera clicking]

Esther, I work in the office now.

You can just take a picture with the real me.

Nah.

Hi! Sorry to interrupt

what I am assuming is the closest you two have ever come

to playing real sports.

Actually, I could use a breather after that anyway.

Now I know you guys are experts

at driving traffic to the website,

and increasing page views...

Aww! You used our digital terms!

I do have some thoughts on your new article.

Remember, Jack, we respond best to positive feedback.

Okay.

I am positive that as an outdoor journalist,

I would never turn in a piece titled,

"Raccoons: The Hamburglars of the Forest."

But you did approve "Pugs Who Look Like Steve Buscemi."

[laughs]

That was adorable.

But you guys need to start writing the types of articles

that make this magazine great.

When you say great, does that include Zeb's feature

on spending 30 days in a tent?

I've lost way too many toenails

for this not to be worth it.

Absolutely, Zeb.

Despite the smell, you are an inspiration to this office.

Uh, where's the foosball going?

Don't worry, we'll explain everything.

Everyone, Outdoor Limits continues to evolve

from the world's most robust adventure magazine

into the world's slightly less profitable

but still jolly robust adventure website.

So Brooke and I have decided that, um...

Broke will be cutting some of your perks.

Dad!

Brooke, my massage chair?

How am I going to sit at my standing desk?

I'm sorry, I wish it didn't have to be like this,

but, well, until the website becomes more profitable,

some perks will have to be...

[ALL]: Boo!

Oh, boo!

But Brooke, a modern office without yoga classes,

dry cleaning and a waffle bar just sounds ridiculous.

And if you get rid of everything fun,

then my only reward for hard work is...

money?

It's like this is a job.

Come on you guys, being petty and juvenile

is not going to solve anything.

Well, I'm glad America's great outdoor adventurer

is still willing to rough it...

Because your corporate card is being suspended.

Boo! Everybody boo her.

[ALL]: Boo!

Jack, Jack, you are living in a hotel suite

as if you're still a field reporter

or a young Macaulay Culkin.

You're permanently in town now,

so pay for your own place.

I haven't paid for a place to sleep in 15 years.

It's my most sacred principle.

And the reason behind five regrettable hook-ups.

I bet it wasn't regrettable for them, bro!

Come on, you're good at sex.

Ah! Yeah!

- Synced and corrected by javiernv - - www.addic7ed.com -

I get it...

Luxury hotel rooms are not in the budget.

But I have a solution: put me back in the field.

Jack, I appreciate you're going through

a tough transitional time at the moment.

Just know, deep in your heart, that you will get back out there

one day.

But also know, deep in your head,

that that's probably not going to happen.

You will see.

I will get back out there.

That's your heart talking, Jack.

And the heart is a filthy liar.

I am not going to stay shackled to a desk

with a bunch of kids who think North Face is a celebrity baby.

Jack, I know you're struggling emotionally

with this transition...

Brooke, Brooke, Brooke,

you don't need to millennial whisper me.

I respond to negative feedback.

Oh, okay.

Well, you now have a desk job,

you have to get your own place,

and your beard is not as cool as you think it is.

Fine.

But I'm not taking anything less than a huge pad

with a view of the water.

Ah, that's the head talking, Jack.

And the head is a big, bushy bummer.

Hey, guys, where's a copy of today's newspaper?

[snickering]

[mocking]: Let me read my newspaper.

[mocking laughter]

I just need apartment listings.

Need some help, Jack?

No, I got it.

Okay.

I only ask because you're searching

for the nearest newsstand.

Look, I can streamline this process for you;

all you have to do is ask.

Can I just nod?

[snickering]: Newspaper.

[mocking]: Newspaper.

Dad, managing these millennials is a big part of my job,

and I can't do that if I'm always bad cop.

But you're the best bad cop on the force.

That's one of the reasons I hired you.

That and the nepotism thing.

You've done this to me my whole life,

starting with your and Mom's divorce.

That was a tough time for you, I know.

That's why I bought you the pony.

You bought me the pony

because you made me break the news to Mom.

And I still say that an eight-year-old

on horseback is the most endearing way

to serve divorce papers.

Dad, can you please, please, just for once,

be the person who delivers bad news?

Oh, very well, I'll be the one

who'll let them know about the remaining budget cuts.

You're the one with the nickname "Bad News Brooke."

- Who calls me that? - Your mother.

You know, Jack, while you're looking for a place,

you can always just stay with me.

Won't that make things awkward between us?

Not at all.

You can come scope the pad

before my big housewarming party.

You're coming to that, right?

Oh, I have no idea what night that is,

but I'm sure I'll have something I can't move.

Wait, they're taking our nap pods?

So, what, I'm supposed to sleep at home now?

I wish I could sleep at home.

Everyone, I need your attention.

Great, now she's taking our attention.

No, no, I fear it is I who must be the taker of things.

Things like...

...the fro-yo machine.

Oh! Fro-no!

I know, I'm sorry,

The sacrifice has to be made.

[sighing]

In-in-in order to make room for an entire Cold Stone Creamery!

To be installed right there!

[cheering]

Roland! Roland!

[chanting]: Roland! Roland! Roland!

Roland! Roland!

You see, I thought we could try

Good Cop, Really Good Cop.

Dad, I don't care how you do it,

but those cutbacks need to happen.

I don't think you realize how harsh you come across without a pony.

This two bedroom has a quaint kitchenette,

refurbished tile and one-and-a-half baths.

Nice.

Jack Gordon doesn't do fractions.

Pass.

Okay, what about this one?

Open floor plan, exposed brick...

Pass.

Is something going on?

Because it seems like you're try to avoid this.

Pass.

You're putting a lot of pressure on this apartment search.

It's not a home that defines who you are; it's your spirit.

Do you write those posters that hang in dental offices?

These places are great.

They are?

Where do you guys live?

With my mom and dad.

And their mom and dad.

With your grandparents.

I don't believe in labels.

Mason?

I share a converted artists' loft

with my hip-hop improv troupe.

Wow, that sucks worse than this.

Jack, my place is sweet!

It's got central air,

it's got a spare bed,

everything a single dude needs.

Seriously, while you're looking for a place,

just come stay with me.

Clark, you are adorable when you are delusional.

All right, I'm off to find

a very temporary home using the oldest app in human history.

MySpace?

Friendship.

Did he say "Friendster"?

Friendship!

Eddie!

Remember when you said I could stay with you,

as long as I needed any time I want?

That doesn't sound like anything I'd ever say.

Hey, folks, uh...

If you're being held against your will,

just blink twice.

These are the Kwan’s.

I'm renting my spare room on Airbnb.

Before you say anything, I cannot cancel on them.

They are heavy hitters on Korean Yelp.

Eddie, you're my oldest friend.

It's just for a night or two until I get my own place.

You're right.

I'll get rid of them.

[speaking Korean]

- Sorry, man, you gotta go. - Yeah, what was that?

Yeah, I think they're North Koreans.

Hi, Clark.

How long have you been following me?

My entire adult life.

Jack, quit being stubborn and come stay with me.

So, your plan was to secretly follow me until I agreed

to go home with you?

Hi, how you doing?

I can't believe I'm desperate enough to agree to this.

Everybody who comes over says the same exact thing.

Welcome to Jurassic Clark!

Just open the door.

Voila!

What kind of Japanese nightmare are you living in?

So, Clark... once again...

This isn't the entryway to your place,

this is the whole thing.

Here, let me give you the tour.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Got it.

It's cozy, right?

There are coffins with more room.

People in coffins wish they had amenities like these!

Ta-da!

It's a bed.

Oh, God, I thought we were about to operate on a gerbil.

Check out this triumph of minimalist design!

An all-in-one sink, dishwasher and...

Please don't say toilet!

Oh, goodness, no!

I do my Clark business in this...

Oh, yeah, yeah, I can see that.

Sorry, I only get one flush a day.

[sizzle] Ah!

This is scalding!

Sorry, should have warned you about the old hot water pipe.

But hey, now we can be burn buddies!

Oh, it's late.

Should we take this to the bedroom?

You go ahead, I'll be there in a minute.

[French accent]: Monsieur,

I got you an inflatable "beddy-bed."

Oh, make sure you don't "melty melt" it

against the hot "pipe-y pipe."

[loud pop]

Oh, my God!

Oh no, Mom bought me a queen-size!

We're doomed!

The seat is still warm!

How could the seat still be warm?!

[grunting]

Jack!

I'm not gonna cut off my own arm to free us!

[grunts] [pop]

[air hissing]

Comfy?

Oh, yeah.

You and I are taking turns

sharing the same single breath of oxygen, it's heavenly.

I know, right?

Clark, I know I've been giving you a hard time.

Sometimes I can be a little sarcastic.

But you gave me a place to stay, and I appreciate it.

[air hissing]

Do you hear that?

Oh, I think the mattress has a leak.

Clark... [gasps]

Sorry, I suffer from mild sleep apnea.

And that requires you to dress like the villain from Mad Max?

Let's just sleep.

[air pumping, machine beeping]

What you thinkin' about?

Murder.

[elevator bell dings]

Hi, Jack! How's the apartment search going?

Oh, I haven't settled on a place yet,

so last night I slept inside a Rubik's Cube with Kylo Ren.

Ooh, you're not a peach to share a room with, either, Jack.

You kept mumbling in your sleep about stuff you're good at.

I once clogged a toilet with my urine.

Yes, I was a child model,

and yes, I still dabble in it from time to time.

I've met Tom Berenger.

I forgot about Jack's sleep bragging.

How does she know about that?

Yeah, how do you know about that?

You just seem like the type who gets tired pretty quickly,

falls asleep, and then starts talking about himself.

Well played.

Now shouldn't you be taking lollipops

away from some of these babies?

[chuckles]

No, my father does that now.

He's become quite the taskmaster.

Goal!

No spinning!

Honestly, you Americans can't even play fake soccer properly.

Oh! Ah...

Seriously?

Remember you two: united front.

I can't believe this.

I am always going to be bad cop.

Well, I...

I just wish there was someone

who could have broken the news to me.

Well, that'd be you.

You're "Bad News Brooke."

Can you hand me my coffee mug?

It's the blue one

that's slightly larger than your entire apartment.

Whew, another small apartment zinger!

I cannot believe how unappreciative you are being.

[quickly]: Unless I'm completely misreading the situation?

I'm sorry.

The last thing I want is there to be confusion

between the two of us.

Okay, good.

Your apartment is the saddest place I have ever been.

And I've been to elephant graveyards.

We're being completely honest then?

I'll admit: you know a lot of things that I don't know.

You mean...

Do not say "the touch of a woman!"

But what I do know is that you are scared.

This is your reality now,

and you are doing everything you can to avoid it.

Listen, Papa Smurf...

I don't avoid anything.

So now if you'll excuse me,

I am leaving work early to go drink at a bar.

Emma, Mason, here's my dilemma:

Brooke is seriously annoyed with me.

But we do need to manage the magazine's expenses,

and I am loathe to cut any employee perks.

So I'm hoping that between the two of you,

you might have some brilliant, millennial work-around?

- Nope. - Yeah, I got nothing.

Oh, you've rather forced my hand.

I hired you for your ideas, and you've given me nothing!

Impertinence, poor work ethic.

And what's this?

Drinking on the job!?

You're fired!

Gather your things and get out!

[softly]: A... actually

that's a 25-year-old, single malt Scotch.

So savor its smokiness, its peaty complexity.

[loudly]: Now go, get out!

Oh, my days!

I had no idea being bad cop could be so glorious!

I'm power-mad and I'm loving it!

Clearly.

I heard you fire Emma and Mason?

Mm... let them stew in it for a while.

Then go in and tell them you have saved their jobs.

But not their perks.

Go and be good cop.

You've earned it.

Thanks, Dad.

Pick that up!

I'm sorry, so sorry.

I'm being bad cop for the day,

and I haven't completely gotten the hang of it.

Do you have a popcorn machine in your office?

[knocking]

Ooh, first guest.

Oh, I wasn't expecting you.

Clark.

I'm not very good at apologies.

If that's your entire apology, I'm gonna have to agree.

You were right,

I'm going through some stuff,

and, unfortunately, I took it out on you,

and the magician's cabinet you live in.

Magic's tight.

- Hey, guys. - Hey.

Oh, oh!

Is that a party sub, or just a six-inch

that looks huge in here?

[Clark clears throat]

Uh, guys...

Jack and I were kind of having a moment.

So if you could just give us a little bit of privacy?

Okay, cool; we'll be over in the kitchen.

I think I know what's bothering you.

Claustrophobia?

Let me use a wise man's words to explain.

Remember when you wrote about

climbing Annapurna on page 214

of One Man, Seven Summits?

But what did you say about base camp?

Nothing.

I mean I literally wrote, "It's not about base camp.

"It's about the adventure...

"outside...

"Of.

It."

Exactly.

This is my base camp.

It's just shelter while I have the experiences

I really care about.

What are you guys talking about?

Just kidding.

We heard literally every word.

Yeah, relax.

This is all temporary.

[laughing]: I mean look at me, you think I'm gonna live

with my improv troupe forever?

[seriously]: Do you?

You're a lot closer to us than you realize.

Because our genitalia are touching?

No, you live in the city,

you work for the website, you're sorta like us.

Eh, you're losing me.

Just find your base camp, all right?

A place where you can hang with friends.

Oh...

So this is Clarkingham Palace.

Roland!

Oh, you brought the expensive bubbly,

so I filled my toilet with ice.

It's me, Brooke, behind the pizza.

[grunting and groaning]

Sorry!

Hey, burn buddy.

I got something for you.

I just don't want things to be weird between us.

[gasps]

Guys, Jack got me rubber to wrap around my hot pipe!

[cries]

And things are weird again.

What's that down here?

[loud pop]

[groaning]

Eddie!

The children I work with gave me some great advice.

Long story short, I'm moving in with you.

Sorry, Jack.

I won't have a free room for a while.

The Kwans just got hooked on Game of Thrones.

[quietly]: How do you say "dies" in Korean?

Samang.

Ned Stark samang!

[disappointed groans]

Jon Snow samang.

[disappointed groans]

Hodor...

Samang!

[angry groans]