Original subtitles

I'm going down to South Park

gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Going down to South Park

gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting "howdy neighbor".

Headin' on up to South Park

gonna see if I can't unwind.

So come on down to South Park

This is closed circuit television

and meet some friends of mine.

for South Park Elementary School.

And now... "Super School News".

The news made for students by students.

Welcome to Super School News.

I'm Jimmy Valmer.

And I'm Rick Cartman.

The price of milk money will go up next month

to forty nine cents.

The school claims the added money is due to

the cow shortage in South Park county.

Parent-teacher conferences will be held

this Wednesday night from seven to nine.

So kids, get a lot of playing in before you get grounded.

And now for a look at what's on the menu

for school lunch today, here's Stan Marsh.

Eric, it looks as though the school will be serving

a chicken cutlet.

Now that's traditionally a white meat chicken breast,

if you will, that has been breaded and then cooked.

I've been told there will also be tater tots

and a vegetable dish.

This is really shaping up to be uh, one fantastic lunch.

Eric?

Hard-hitting reporting Stan, thanks a lot.

And now here with the celebrity watch

is Butters Stotch.

Butters, seen any celebrities lately?

No, not yet.

I've been standing out in front of the school

for about two hours now

and I haven't seen any celebrities.

About thirty minutes ago,

I thought I saw Sigourney Weaver...

B-b-ut, uh, turns out it was a dead horse.

Alright, Butters, keep your eyes open.

Will do.

More snow for South P-park?

Here's Token Black with the weather.

Jimmy and Eric, it looks like a massive snow storm

is heading South Park's way.

I asked my dad last night,

and he said he heard the snowstorm

is expected on Tuesday, guys.

Kyle Broflovski now joins us

for a look at sports.

And Kyle, the girls' basketball team

just can't get it right.

Another devastating loss for the Cows last night, Eric.

They were ahead in the game until Kelly Anderson

started crying because she missed her daddy

who is on a business trip in Thailand.

Kelly was so upset she couldn't play

and the Cows had to forfeit.

The Cows are on a six and 0 slide

since Kelly's father left for that business trip.

And that's all for Super School News!

Enjoy your day at South Park E-e-el-

Elementary.

And we're... Cut!

Alright, nice reporting guys, nice.

Boy that was a great episode!

Yeah, I think that was one of our best shows yet.

Boys, I'm afraid I have some bad news.

The school has to cancel your show.

What?

For God's sake why, Mr. Maryl?

Well the students just aren't watching it.

Your rating was only a four this whole week.

How many students is that?

Four, four students watch your show.

And meanwhile, Craig's show is getting a fifty-seven.

Craig's show?

What is that butthole doing now?

Oh, it's brilliant.

It's all just video footage of animals

close-up with a wide angle lens.

Animals close-up with a wide angle lens.

But that's... that's crap, that's not even TV!

It's what the students want.

And its cheaper to make than your show.

Just one person and a video camera.

Craig is a genius.

Sorry, kids.

But, Mr. Maryl,

we're trying to bring the news to the students.

They need to know the facts

and our news team delivers them, very much.

Kids don't care about the news, boys.

It's boring.

Kids want to see animals...

close-up...

with a wide angle lens.

Please, Mr. Maryl, the news is our life.

Without it we have nothing.

I'm sorry, kids.

You should be proud of what you've done.

It's just that it's kind of gay.

You're gay!

Gee wiz...

We sure worked hard on that news show.

Apparently it doesn't matter how hard you work.

Hello boys, ready to do some whistlin?

Fuck off, Whistlin' Willie, we're not in the mood.

If you want your pizza you gotta whistle!

Come on!

There ya' go!

God, I wish we had a Pizza Hut in South Park.

Hey look, Craig just walked in.

Jesus all that for a stupid video show.

Oh hey guys, heard about your news show being canceled.

Go play with yourself, Craig.

Yeah, well, I got an overall deal with the school.

They're paying me six dollars a week

to come up with new shows.

Your idea took about this much thought, Craig.

This much more than you had.

Hey a round of root beers for everyone, on me!

Kenny!

What the hell are you doing with this asshole?

Mrph rhmhphm rm.

You're helping Craig make his show?

I can't believe you would betray us like that!

We've always been super cool to you!

Ha ha ha ha haaaa ha.

We're gonna do a news show

and you can't do it with us

because you are too poor

and poor people don't watch the news.

Nya nya nya nya nyaaaa nya.

Oh whatever, Kenny!

Hey gang, I brought the new episode of.

"Wide Angle Close-up Animals"!

- Woo-hoo! Yayyy! - Let's see!

Put it up on the monitors!

Cute!

Super cute!

God, I just don't get it.

Wow... those animals are pretty cute.

Token... now come on guys!

We've worked too hard

to just roll over for Craig and his

stupid overall deal.

Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for ourselves,

we just need to figure out

how to make our show better!

Yeah... maybe if we can get higher ratings

by the end of the week

they'll let us stay on the air!

Well what are we waitin' for?

Come on, guys!

Alright, we all need to come up with ideas

for our show.

How about we revamp the name...

"Super School News" sounds dry.

It should be Sexy News.

Action News!

Yeah, Sexy Action, that's good.

Maybe the problem is we don't have

very good stories to report on.

Right... we should make up stories

because they'll be far more interesting.

Hey yeah!

I could say I saw celebrities even though I didn't

and then lie about what I saw them doing!

Nice, Butters, write that down!

"Lie... about... celebrities".

We have to appeal to all the students.

So we need hot girls for the sixth graders...

and panda bears for the preschoolers.

Good.

Maybe we need to make students think

they have to watch our news show

or they'll die!

Yeah, we should make up a bunch of reports

about how dangerous it is to be alive!

Oh boy!

Fellas, are you sure all of this is e-e-ethical?

We're in fourth grade, Jimmy.

We don't even know what ethical means!

Alright, Sexy Action School News team

it's time to go to work!

Get out there and get some stories!

Sexy Action School News team, ho!

Uh, Token, can I have a quick word with you?

Look, Token... I know the guys are having trouble

bringing this up with you, but...

Well the thing is, Token,

we really need to revamp your whole TV persona.

You see, Token, people really enjoy

seeing African Americans on the news.

Seeing African Americans on the news

not hearing them.

That's why, all African American news people

learn to talk more... how should I say...

white.

Token, all the great African American news people

have learned to hide their 'ebonic tribespeak'

with a more pure caucasian dialect.

There is no shame in it

and I really think it will help our ratings.

This is South Park Elementary closed circuit television.

And now...

Eyewitness Sexy Action School News!

Is South Park Elementary about to explode

from a methane gas leak?

More on that later, but first,

Stan Marsh has a look at some new outfits

for the Raisins girls!

Eric, the outfits are even skimpier than before

leaving very little to the imagination.

No doubt that if I were a little older

I would be aroused.

And now for a look at the weather.

Here is Token Black.

And Token, I hope there are no tornadoes

headed our way.

No, tornadoes, Eric but interestingly enough

there is a low pressure storm

moving in over the Park County valley

should bring us some chilly days ahead.

The Park County school board

has approved a bigger budget

for the computer lab in...

Ooh hang on, Jimmy!

Looks like Kyle has the dish

on some students bathroom habits! Kyle.

Eric, sources are speculating

that third grade student Pete Bellman

pees sitting down like a girl.

We've also got confirmation

that Sally Turner stuffs her bra

and Clyde Donovan has only one testicle.

Ha-ha-ha-haa one testicle!

What an asshole!

Oh-oh, looks like it's Panda Bear Madness Minute!

Oh yeah, Panda Bear Madness!

And now... let's get a look at.

Celebrity Dish gossip with Butters!

This isn't the news, this is a t-t-t-travesty.

Alright, so after my report on

the unsanitary conditions of the school cafeteria

we'll go to Kyle for the story on Brian Teebs

trying to make out with Susan Farkle.

Then let's do Token's report

on how global warming is going to kill

everyone in the fifth grade.

That is a terrific idea, Stan.

A-OK!

Fellas, fellas, I've got fantastic news.

The vice president, Dick Cheney,

was in Denver yesterday,

and I got an interview with him for our news show!

Umm, an interview with the vice president...

Frankly, Jimmy I don't know how we're going to

fit that in between cheerleader pie eating

and Who's Got Skid Marks Monday.

But this is real news.

It's boring news, Jimmy.

How do you know, you haven't seen it yet!

Alright, tell me about it.

In the interview, Mr. Cheney tells me all about how...

Oh... oh God, I just got so sleepy.

I'm sorry, what were you talking about?

Look, f-f-fellas I've got a real problem

with the direction our news show is going.

We're dumbing down the school.

No, Jimmy, the school is already dumb

we're just giving them what they want.

We're making the news more appealing to students.

This isn't the news!

This is a b-b-bastardized quest for ratings.

Dammit, we have a journalistic responsibility

to bring students the f-facts.

Don't you see what we've done?

In our effort to compete with Craig's small-minded show

we've make a mockery of news reporting.

I remember when we all made an oath to each other

way back when we started playing news reporters

that we would never let anything jeopardize our integrity.

Well our integrity is jeopardized...

And if we can't report news the honest way...

What good is news reporting?

Boys, first of all I want to tell you

how impressed I am with your ability to get more ratings.

Your show beat "Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens"

by three viewers!

- Alright!! - Wohoo!

I knew we could do it!

We beat "Close-up Animals"!

Oh man, it's so great!

We-we worked so hard to be on the top-

oh come here, you!

Yes, but unfortunately

you got crushed in the ratings

by Craig's new show.

Craig's new show?

All the students love it.

It's an incredible idea called.

"Close-up Animals With a Wide Angle Lens.

Wearing Hats".

Take a look.

That Craig is a freakin' genius, I tell you.

He's like... an idea machine.

Does this mean we're still gonna get canceled?

I'm afraid its worse than that boys.

I'm going to have to give you all "F"s

in extra curricular A/V class.

You have to learn now how important ratings are.

But... we gave it our best.

Yes, and I guess your best wasn't good enough.

I don't believe it.

I can't lose this extra curricular credit!

I need it to pass fourth grade.

Stupid news hair.

F-fellas, don't you see, this proves my point.

We have to elevate our ideas up, not down.

Yeah, Jimmys right. I know we can come up with

way better ideas than Craig.

Yeah. To save our show, all we need to do...

is come up with the best idea

for an episode ever.

What if we do a show where we...

Ah... no...

How about we have us, um... hmmm...

Come on doesn't anybody have any show ideas?

How about we get panda bears

and have them dance around with us!

We did that.

Wow, coming up with ideas is hard.

Look, you guys, if Craig can do it, we can do it.

Come on!

How about we do a show with us... uh...

The uh... what if...

Wait, I've got it... crab people.

Crab people?

They're like half crab, half people

and they live below the ground.

Dude, I think we can do a little better

than crab people.

I know, we should read the funnies!

I always get good ideas from the funnies!

Butters, only gay little dweebs read the funnies.

Yeah, I read 'em all the time!

Here's one!

The... snail tripped over a hurdle

and the other snail says,

"well, that's gonna add another hour to his time!"

You guys?

How about we do a show where we kill Butters?

So Dagwood says,

"good... goo..good thing we're playing the back nine at your house".

We're hopelessly stuck, completely out of ideas.

We have crab people.

Just sayin'...

Wait... you know what we should do?

We should all take a bunch of cough medicine.

Cough medicine?

That's what the sixth graders do

behind the school at recess.

They take way too much cough medicine

cuz they say it makes them see things in their heads.

Gee wiz, there sure is a lot of em...

How do we know which one to use?

How about this one Colminex.

"Warning, taking more than recommended amount

can cause severe side effects."

That sounds perfect!

B-bingo.

Can I help you boys?

Yeah, we need to come up with some ideas and inspiration

so we were gonna drink a bunch of cough medicine.

Whoa, boys!

That's not what you need to come up with ideas!

It's not?

No, what you want is the Colminex PM.

It has the dextrimatphan in it

that causes hallucinations in large doses.

Oh okay.

Now, if it's more of a lucid,

speedy kind of high you're looking for,

I do also carry the Daytap Cold and Flu.

Then there's the maximum strength.

Codatussin Cough 'n Cold.

But of course, that's only if you really want to trip balls.

What do you think, fellas?

I guess we'll just take all of them.

That's the spirit...

Alright boys, I'll just need your parents permission.

Kidding, I'm just pullin' your legs.

Come on over to the register!

Oh, looks like somebody else

is doing a little partying tonight!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

We aren't having a party.

Oh yeah sure!

You're just buying that for your bad coughs, right?

Us too!

Ooh, Jesus!

Alright, now everybody take a tablet and a pencil

and when all the ideas start coming

just write 'em down.

We might not remember everything otherwise.

Oh boy, I can't wait to be creative and smart!

Ooh, it's all thick and gooey...

Huh... I don't have any ideas yet.

Stan?

Dude, Stan, you alright?

I think maybe he's feelin' it.

Stan, are you getting good ideas?

Woah... I'm feelin kinda bowling ballish, fellas.

Woof-woof!

Woof-woof!

Stan... Stan come on.

We're gonna go find a frog.

We're sorry...

Oh dude, I just had the best idea!

Me too!

Hey, let's run naked through the street!

Dude, this TV show is awesome...

It's... the greatest show of all time...

I could watch this for days...

Cute...

Super cute...

You guys... you guys wake up!

Ergh... agh!

Butters get away from me!

Oh Jesus, where are my clothes?

We took a bunch of cough medicine

to come up with ideas for our show.

I didn't come up with anything!

I did, I wrote something down...

Here it is... uh... squiggly line, circle.

I wrote down...

All the lyrics to the "Happy Days" theme song.

You guys... we watched Craig's show all night long.

Yeah, it was great.

But don't you see?

We didn't think it was great before!

I think I understand now.

I think I know why Craig's show gets such great ratings!

Half the school is high on cough medicine!

Jesus, you may be right.

Fellas, this is our chance!

Everyone get your hair looking as fantastic as possible!

It's time for us to do

the most incredible investigative news report

of our journalistic lives!

This is closed circuit television

for South Park Elementary School.

And now... A Sexy Action News team.

Special Report!

Cough medicine abuse in school.

With the Sexy Action School News team.

It's the report you can't afford to miss.

And now here is Rick Cartman.

They call it cough syrup, cough medicine,

cold and flu remedy.

But behind closed doors at South Park Elementary

it also has a street name:

Coogie, wombat juice, tigger yum yum.

Hello, I'm Rick Cartman.

Today the Sexy Action School news team

takes you inside the dark and lonely world

of cough medicine abuse.

They're doing it in the hallways.

Behind the school.

Hey, get outta here you fucking dork.

Even, in the girl's bathroom.

Is somebody in there? I'll tell on you!

We showed the shocking footage to the principal...

Oh my goodness...

Principal Victoria, can you explain

how your administration failed to see this p-pr-

problem?

Well, I... we...

So where are students getting all this cough medicine?

This surveillance footage

shows a group of troubled kids

getting all the smack they want

from a pharmacist!

Sexy Action School News reported the pharmacist

to the South Park police

and he was immediately arrested.

The cough medicine companies claim

they don't intend for their product

to be used by kids to get high.

But one look at the packaging tells otherwise-

"Theradryl DM for kids."

"Dexacough Children's Formula".

And now for a quick celebrity check

here's Butters Stotch.

Still no celebrities, Eric.

I'll keep my eyes open.

The cough medicine problem used to also run rampant

in neighboring Middle Park Elementary.

But they took action.

Ridded their entire town of cough medicine.

And what we see now, is a happier school

one hundred percent cough medicine free.

Boys, I want to congratulate you

on what is perhaps the finest piece of student television

I have ever seen.

Not only did you get

all the students and myself off of cough medicine

but you got a twenty two in the ratings!

Twenty two people?

Alright!

You wanted to see me, Mr. Maryl?

Oh, yes, Craig.

It appears that the ratings for your show

are down significantly.

Gee, what a coincidence.

I wonder w-w-why.

You need to know how important ratings are, Craig.

So I'm going to suspend you from school

and request that you have your testicles removed surgically.

Ha ha, in your face Craig!

You boys are approved for twenty seven new shows!

I want you to come up with an even better idea

than the cough medicine story.

Get to it!

Nobody... has any ideas?

This sucks.

I don't wanna keep having to come up with ideas

for shows all the time, it hurts my head.

Dude... bail?

I think bail.

Bail.

Yep, b-b-bail.