Original subtitles

READ THIS.

IS IT A VALENTINE

OR ARE THEY HOLDING YOU BACK A YEAR?

WHEN I WAS 5, YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT

SAYING WHEN I WAS 12,

I COULD DO WHATEVER I WANTED.

MY BIRTHDAY'S ON MONDAY.

OOH, THIS IS SO CUTE.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU SAVED THIS.

I'VE BEEN WAITING.

WELL, IT'S ALL HERE, D.J.,

SO I GUESS STARTING MONDAY YOU'RE FREE.

IT'S BEEN GREAT BEING YOUR MOM.

YES!

OH, OH, WAIT, D.J.

WELL, YOU FORGOT TO GET THIS NOTARIZED.

I'M SORRY. GO CLEAN THE CHIMNEY.

I'M SICK OF THIS FAMILY.

LINE FORMS TO THE REAR.

I'M GOING TO BE 12.

I DON'T WANT ANY MORE BABYSITTERS.

BECKY AND DARLENE WERE ALLOWED TO STAY ALONE

WHEN THEY WERE MY AGE.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE GIRLS MATURE FASTER THAN BOYS.

SO WHEN DO BOYS GET MATURE?

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW AS SOON AS YOUR DAD GETS THERE.

I HEARD THAT,

AND I CHOOSE TO RESPOND THUSLY.

MOM LIED TO ME.

WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY. THERE ARE KIDS IN CHINA

WHOSE MOTHERS HAVE NO LIES TO GIVE THEM.

MOM SAYS BOYS AREN'T AS MATURE AS GIRLS.

DAMN IT. THE BOY KEEPS HEARING

ALL THIS NEGATIVE STUFF ABOUT MEN, AND IT'S NOT TRUE.

HE'S AS MATURE AS THE GIRLS EVER WERE.

WELL, YOUR SON WANTS TO STAY HOME ALL BY HIMSELF.

NO WAY. HE'S A BOY.

I'M GOING TO GET A LAWYER.

KIDS CAN DIVORCE THEIR PARENTS FOR STUFF LIKE THIS.

YOU KNOW THAT BOY THAT DIVORCED HIS PARENTS?

YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING NOW?

EVERY NIGHT HE GOES OUT CRUISING THE BARS

LOOKING FOR NEW PARENTS,

AND I CAN'T TELL YOU THE KIND OF GARBAGE THAT'S OUT THERE.

D.J., RUN UPSTAIRS FOR A MINUTE.

I'M NOT DONE TALKING ABOUT THIS.

GO UPSTAIRS.

I'M NOT FINISHED.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S JOAN. SHE'S CALLING ABOUT YOUR DAD.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU NEVER LISTEN.

D.J., GET UPSTAIRS NOW!

HE DIED, HONEY.

YOU DOING O.K.?

NO, NOT REALLY.

UH, YEAH, I'M HERE.

IT'S HARRIS, AL HARRIS.

HE'S MY DAD.

LOOK, I JUST GOT THROUGH TELLING THIS WHOLE THING TO SOMEBODY ELSE.

ALL I WANT TO KNOW

IS IF HIS FLIGHT'S COMING IN ON TIME.

NO, NOT COACH. TRY BAGGAGE.

ASK THEM ABOUT HIS FREQUENT FLYER MILES.

HE WAS A SALESMAN.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN VERY IMPORTANT TO HIM.

JACKIE, CAN'T YOU GO AND GET DRUNK OR SOMETHING?

YEAH, I'M HERE.

LISTEN, THIS IS GOING TO SOUND KIND OF WEIRD,

BUT IS HE GOING TO BE COMING DOWN THAT CONVEYER BELT

WITH EVERYBODY'S BAGGAGE?

NO, NO, THE MORTUARY PICKS HIM UP.

OH, THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE I DIDN'T THINK WE COULD FIT HIM

IN OUR TRUCK.

WELL, I'M SORRY YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S FUNNY.

HEY, I'M SAVING MY BEST JOKES FOR THE FUNERAL.

THAT'S IT. I'M NOT MAKING ANY MORE CALLS.

YOU DO THE REST OF THE FAMILY LIST.

I CAN'T CALL PEOPLE, ROSEANNE.

JACKIE, DIAL.

I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN MOURNING.

WEAR A VEIL OVER YOUR FACE WHILE YOU DO IT.

CAN'T HANDLE... AUNTIE BARBARA, IT'S JACKIE.

JACKIE.

I'M FINE.

FINE.

I'M FINE.

I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

DAD IS NOT WITH US ANYMORE.

I SAID DAD HAS PASSED AWAY.

HE'S PASSED AWAY!

DAD IS GONE.

DAD'S DEAD!

HE'S DEAD!

NO, DEAD!

DEAD!

HE'S FINE. HE SENDS HIS LOVE.

BYE.

I AM NOT DOING THAT AGAIN.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

HELLO, GIRLS.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

HI, MOM.

EVERYBODY DOING O.K.?

YEAH, WE'RE DOING FINE. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

I'M NOT SURE. YOU DREAM ABOUT THIS MOMENT,

AND THEN IT HAPPENS, AND IT'S JUST NOT THE SAME.

JACKIE, YOU LOOK EXHAUSTED.

WELL, I HAD TO TALK TO AUNTIE BARBARA.

I THINK WE SHOULD ALL HAVE SOME TEA

AND THEN POUR LARGE AMOUNTS OF BRANDY INTO IT.

YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

DARLENE, WILL YOU PUT ON SOME WATER

AND THEN BRING THE BRANDY DOWN FROM YOUR ROOM?

DON'T YOU THINK IF I HAD BRANDY IN MY ROOM,

I'D SPEND MORE TIME AT HOME?

SO, DID JOAN HAVE MORE DETAILS,

OR WAS SHE RUSHING OUT TO BREAK UP ANOTHER MARRIAGE?

HE WAS ON THE ROAD, AND HE HAD A HEART ATTACK.

AND IF THERE'S ANY MORE, SHE'LL...

TELL US AT THE FUNERAL.

AT THE FUNERAL?

SHE WANTS TO BE THERE. WE CAN'T STOP HER.

PERHAPS SHE AND I CAN DRAW STRAWS

OVER WHO GETS TO THROW THEMSELF ON THE COFFIN.

IF SHE GETS OUT OF LINE,

WE'LL DRAG HER BEHIND THE CHAPEL

AND BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HER.

MOM, ARE WE OUT OF TEA BAGS?

I THINK I PUT THEM IN THE CUPBOARD.

YOU KNOW, FOR SUCH A ROTTEN KID,

YOU'RE SURE BEING A BIG HELP.

I THINK I PUT AWAY MOST OF THE GRIEF BUFFET.

IT'S SO BIZARRE HOW PEOPLE BRING OVER ALL THIS FOOD

WHEN SOMEONE DIES.

YEAH, LIKE IT'S GOING TO MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER.

HEY, CHOCOLATE CAKE! WHEN DID THAT GET HERE?

WELL, UM...

EVERYTHING'S ALL CRAZY AROUND HERE,

AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO TALK OR ANYTHING.

ARE YOU O.K.?

WELL, I FEEL BAD THAT I DON'T FEEL BAD ENOUGH.

I MEAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM IN A WHILE.

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S WEIRD.

WELL, YOU DON'T GOT TO FEEL NOTHING BUT WHAT YOU FEEL.

I JUST FEEL LIKE I SHOULD CRY.

I HAVEN'T CRIED YET.

THAT'S O.K.

GOT CRAMPS, THOUGH.

HMM. WELL, I THINK HE WOULD OF LIKED THAT.

GRANDMA, I'M REALLY SORRY GRANDPA DIED.

I'M GOING TO MISS HIM.

THAT'S SWEET, DEAR. YOUR GRANDFATHER LOVED YOU, TOO.

AND HE'S GOING TO LOOK VERY SMART IN THIS TIE.

THIS IS FOR GRANDPA?

ABSOLUTELY. YOU'RE WEARING THE VERY TIE

THAT WILL BE BURIED WITH YOUR GRANDFATHER TOMORROW.

GET IT OFF ME! GET IT OFF!

DARLENE, WOULD YOU LET ME...

NO.

HEY, MOM, WOULDN'T IT BE EASIER

IF YOU PEELED YOUR FACE OFF

AND CHASED THEM AROUND THE BLOCK?

ROSEANNE, I HAVE TO TIE THIS STRAIGHT.

YOU CAN'T TRUST THOSE FUNERAL PEOPLE.

THEY'LL JUST THROW IT ON HIM.

IT HAS TO BE RIGHT.

HIS TIE WILL BE PERFECT, MOTHER.

I'LL MAKE SURE MYSELF.

THE MAN WILL NOT BE BURIED

UNDER 6 FEET OF ROCKS, DIRT, AND CRAP

UNTIL HIS TIE'S PERFECT!

DID YOU FIND THE PICTURE OF DAD YET?

I CAN'T DECIDE.

THE MORTICIAN NEEDS TO SEE IT

TO FIGURE OUT WHAT DAD'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE.

HOW ABOUT THAT ONE?

THAT'S HIS NAVY PICTURE FROM 1944!

WELL, HE LOOKS SO HANDSOME!

I THINK THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE A LITTLE TROUBLE

TRYING TO SEW HIS HAND TO HIS FOREHEAD.

I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE. MY STOMACH HURTS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT ANYMORE,

'CAUSE YOU CAN BE THE DESIGNATED BASKET CASE THIS TIME,

O.K.?

O.K.

I LOVE YOU, ROSEANNE.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, WEIRDO.

COME ON, WE GOT TO HURRY,

BECAUSE I WANT TO BE BACK BY 3:00.

HOW COME?

'CAUSE JOAN IS GETTING IN EARLY,

AND I... WANT TO INVITE HER OVER TO THE HOUSE.

WELL, JEEZ, ROSEANNE,

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE ODD,

INVITING DAD'S OTHER WOMAN OVER TO YOUR HOUSE?

WELL, HEY, LIKE IT OR NOT,

SHE'S BEEN PART OF HIS LIFE FOR 22 YEARS.

JUST SEEMS LIKE THE THING TO DO.

WELL, FINE. THAT'S... THAT'S GREAT.

WHAT, JACKIE?

WELL, IF YOU'RE SO COMFORTABLE WITH THIS WOMAN,

IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN NICE

TO INVITE HER OVER WHEN DAD WAS ALIVE.

YEAH, BUT THEN DAD WOULD HAVE CAME WITH HER.

THIS WAY I'M PRETTY SURE HE AIN'T GOING TO SHOW.

I DIDN'T GET TO SEE MY FATHER

THE LAST TWO YEARS OF HIS LIFE BECAUSE OF YOU,

AND NOW YOU'RE PLAYING HOSTESS TO HIS MISTRESS.

YOU'RE NOT BLAMING ME FOR YOU NOT SEEING DAD.

YOU MADE HIM SO UNWELCOME HERE, HE NEVER VISITED.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HATED HIM,

THE REST OF THE FAMILY HAD TO HATE HIM, TOO.

YOU ARE SO WRONG!

YOU ARE SO SELFISH!

OH. OH, I'M SELFISH.

HAVE YOU NOTICED WHO'S BEEN DOING

ALL THE PLANNING FOR THIS FUNERAL?

DID YOU NOTICE THAT IT WASN'T YOU?

THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU DON'T CARE,

SO IT'S NO PROBLEM FOR YOU TO HANDLE EVERYTHING.

I LOVED HIM.

WELL WHEN DID YOU LOVE HIM MORE JACKIE,

WHEN HE'D COME HOME AND BEAT US,

OR WHEN HE DIDN'T COME HOME AT ALL?

THAT WAS LONG AGO.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WENT ON IN HIS MIND

IN HIS LAST YEARS.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO SAY HE WAS SORRY.

WELL, YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH,

YOU GO DOWN TO THAT FUNERAL HOME

AND MAKE THE REST OF THE ARRANGEMENTS.

I'M SELFISH, SO I WASH MY HANDS OF THE WHOLE THING.

FINE. I WILL MAKE THE REST OF THE ARRANGEMENTS.

YOU'RE CALLING AUNTIE BARBARA

WITH DIRECTIONS TO THE CEMETERY, RIGHT, ROSEANNE?

ROSEANNE!

COME ON, JACKS, I'M HERE.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO PICK OUT A CASKET NOW

WHEN MY DAD JUST DIED?

KINDA HAPPENS THAT WAY, JACKIE.

HELLO. I'M FRANK BENDERS.

YOU MUST BE ROSEANNE.

NO, I'M JACKIE. I'M ROSEANNE'S SISTER.

I AM GOING TO MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS.

HOW WAS THAT?

DAN CONNER. NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS,

SO COULD WE JUST GET THROUGH IT QUICKLY?

CERTAINLY. I WANT TO MAKE THIS AS EASY AS POSSIBLE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THE BODY?

OH, GOD!

I THINK THAT'S A BIG NO ON THAT ONE. THANK YOU.

I UNDERSTAND.

HE CALLED DAD THE BODY?

JACKIE, YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS?

NO. I SAID I WAS GOING TO MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS,

SO LET'S START ARRANGING.

ALL RIGHT. FIRST OFF,

WE SHOULD PROBABLY PICK OUT THE CASKET.

THEY'RE ALL NICE.

VERY NICE.

I LIKE THE WHITE ONE.

THAT IS A LOVELY CHOICE.

ROSEANNE WOULD NEVER PICK WHITE.

SHE SAYS IT GETS DIRTY TOO FAST.

I DON'T THINK THAT REALLY APPLIES HERE, JACKIE.

SHE'D WANT THE BLACK.

I'LL TAKE THE WHITE.

WHITE IT IS.

AND I WOULD LIKE A SATIN PILLOW, TOO.

SHE'D HATE THAT.

MAYBE WE SHOULD ASK WHAT THIS COSTS.

SINCE YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER

ALREADY BOUGHT THEIR ADJOINING PLOTS,

IT SHOULDN'T BE THAT EXPENSIVE.

HOW MUCH IS NOT EXPENSIVE?

WELL, LET'S SEE. THE WHITE ROSE...

OH, THE WHITE ROSE.

$3,000.

I GUESS THAT'S A LOT.

THAT'S A LOT, ISN'T IT, DAN?

YES, THAT IS A LOT.

MAYBE I SHOULD LOOK AT SOME OTHERS.

OH, OF COURSE. BUT YOU SHOULD REALIZE

THAT THEY ARE OF LESSER QUALITY.

SO... WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

IS THAT IF SHE REALLY LOVED HIM,

SHE'D GET THE WHITE ROSE,

AND IF SHE DOESN'T,

SHE'D GET SOMETHING WITH A TWIST TIE

AND THE WORD "HEFTY" ON THE SIDE.

NO.

NO. NO.

I'M SORRY.

IF COST IS A CONSIDERATION,

I'M SURE THAT WE CAN FIND SOMETHING

THAT YOU CAN BE COMFORTABLE WITH.

BEFORE WE GO ON, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I'M FEELING VERY IRRATIONAL RIGHT NOW.

I'M LIKELY TO BUY ANYTHING THAT YOU SHOW ME.

I'M ALSO VERY LIKELY TO TAKE OUT A GUN

AND BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF IF I THINK YOU'RE...

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME.

SO I WOULD PLAY ME VERY CAREFULLY.

THAT A GIRL.

ROSEANNE?

HI, JOAN.

I'M...

GLAD YOU COULD COME DOWN.

WELL, THANKS FOR ASKING ME OUT.

I UNDERSTAND ABOUT NOT COMING TO THE HOUSE.

YEAH, WELL,

IT LOOKS PRETTY MUCH LIKE THIS PLACE.

LET ME ORDER A BEER OR SOMETHING.

COULD I GET YOU A SECOND?

WELL, YOU COULD

IF YOU WOULD'VE GOTTEN HERE AN HOUR AGO.

COULD...

I'LL HAVE WHAT SHE'S HAVING.

WOW. THIS IS SO WEIRD,

SITTING HERE DRINKING A BEER

WITH MY DEAD FATHER'S MISTRESS.

IT'S FUNNY.

I'M NOT A MISTRESS IN KANSAS CITY,

BUT I AM IN LANFORD.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

IN LANFORD, YOU'RE SOMETHING ELSE.

REALLY?

I DON'T THINK YOU ASKED ME HERE TO INSULT ME.

NO, I DIDN'T. I'M SORRY.

UH...

LISTEN, WHAT I DID ASK YOU HERE FOR

IS 'CAUSE...

I WANT TO ASK YOU SOME STUFF ABOUT MY DAD.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE...

KIND OF THE ONLY PERSON THAT'S BEEN WITH HIM

FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS...

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO KNOW IF, UH...

THERE'S ANY TIME WHERE HE SAID ANYTHING

ABOUT ANY MISTAKES HE MIGHT'VE MADE

OR, UH...

ANY REGRETS MAYBE THAT HE HAD.

YEAH.

HE REALLY REGRETTED WHAT HAPPENED

BETWEEN HIM AND YOU GIRLS.

OH, HE REALLY SAID THAT?

COME ON, ROSEANNE.

YOU MUST'VE KNOWN HOW UNHAPPY HE WAS.

I...

JUST THOUGHT HE DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN.

DIDN'T GIVE A DAMN?

HE PRIDED HIMSELF ON WHAT A DEVOTED FATHER HE WAS.

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

HE ALWAYS SAID

YOU GIRLS NEVER APPRECIATED WHAT HE DID FOR YOU,

BECAUSE HE SPOILED YOU SO MUCH.

WELL, IF HE MEANT SPOILED AS IN WRECKED.

ROSEANNE,

I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET WITH YOUR FATHER

FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR.

YOU THINK THIS IS ABOUT THE AFFAIR?

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD.

I COULD TELL YOU STUFF ABOUT MY DAD

THAT YOU COULDN'T EVEN HANDLE.

LOOK...

WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING THIS.

IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING,

YOUR DAD DID DIE KNOWING YOU LOVED HIM.

I GOT TO GO.

HELLO. I GUESS I'M A LITTLE EARLY.

I'M BEVERLY HARRIS.

I KNOW.

YOU MUST BE JOAN.

YES. WE FINALLY MEET.

WHAT A SHAME

WE DON'T HAVE SOME SORT OF FLAVORED COFFEE

TO CELEBRATE THIS MOMENT IN OUR LIFE.

I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME.

DO YOU?

WELL, I THINK I BETTER GO INSIDE.

NOT YET.

I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME FOR THIS MOMENT,

AND YOU WILL NOT ROB ME OF IT.

ALL RIGHT.

GO AHEAD.

I THINK YOU SHOULD BE SHOT.

I LONG FOR THE DAYS

WHEN WE COULD BRAND SOMEONE LIKE YOU WITH A SCARLET LETTER,

LEAVING YOU A LONELY, MISERABLE OUTCAST.

AND IF YOU EVER CONTRACT AN INCURABLE

AND VERY PAINFUL DISEASE,

I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP MYSELF

FROM DANCING A JIG OF GLEE.

NOW, THAT BEING SAID,

I WOULD LIKE TO SELL YOU MY BURIAL PLOT.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YOU LOVE HIM SO MUCH,

YOU SPEND ETERNITY NEXT TO THE MAN.

MOM?

HELLO, DEAR. WE'RE CHATTING.

GO AWAY.

MOM, DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU?

WE CAN ONLY AFFORD ONE COFFIN TODAY.

MS. HARRIS, IF I COULD JUST HAVE ONE MOMENT.

BEFORE WE CLOSE THE CASKET,

I'M GOING TO NEED SOMEONE TO IDENTIFY THE BODY.

I'LL DO IT.

O.K. I THINK THAT'S FAIR,

'CAUSE I GOT TO PICK THE PILLOW AND EVERYTHING.

WANT ME TO GO IN?

NO. I WANT TO DO IT.

RIGHT THIS WAY, MRS. CONNER.

JUST A QUICK LOOK,

AND THEN I'LL CLOSE IT.

FINE.

THAT'S ALL I NEED.

CAN I HAVE A MINUTE IN HERE BY MYSELF?

OF COURSE.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

UH, DAD,

I'M REAL SORRY THAT YOU DIED

BEFORE I GOT TO TELL YOU SOME STUFF.

O.K.

"I'M ANGRY AT YOU

"FOR LYING TO ME MY WHOLE LIFE.

"I'M ANGRY THAT I DIDN'T EVER KNOW

"WHO YOU REALLY WERE.

"I'M MAD THAT WHEN I WAS KID,

"YOU IGNORED ME,

"AND WHEN YOU DID GIVE ME ANY ATTENTION,

"IT WAS USUALLY VIOLENT.

"I'M MAD THAT YOU LEFT US ALONE

"WITH A CRAZY MOTHER.

"I'M MAD THAT BECAUSE OF YOU,

"I GREW UP DISTRUSTFUL OF MEN,

"AND I COULDN'T EVEN TRUST MY OWN HUSBAND

"FOR THE FIRST FIVE YEARS WE WERE MARRIED.

"I'M MAD AT YOU

"BECAUSE YOU DID ALL THE SAME STUFF TO JACKIE

"AND BECAUSE YOU MADE US FEEL

"LIKE WE WERE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

"BUT NOW I JUST NEED IT TO END.

"SO, DAD, I'M FORGIVING YOU,

"JUST BECAUSE I NEED TO MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

AND I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR BEING SO DAMN ANGRY."

THANK YOU FOR YOUR...

HUMOR.

HUMOR.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

MMM, JUST SIT OUT HERE FOR A WHILE.

WANT TO EAT ANOTHER CASSEROLE?

NO.

IT'S KIND OF COOL SITTING OUT HERE ANYWAY,

YOU KNOW, LOOKING UP AT THE STARS

AND LISTENING TO ALL THE QUIET.

YOU KNOW, GIVES YOU TIME TO THINK ABOUT STUFF.

WANT TO WATCH TV?

GOD, YES. WHAT'S ON?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S 9:30.

OH, HEY, IT'S TIME FOR MY FAVORITE SHOW.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW. THAT GUY.

THAT, UH, SHECKIE THOMAS GUY,

YOU KNOW?

DID YOU SEE THAT ONE WITH THE MONKEYS?

OH, THAT GUY.

DID YOU SEE THE EPISODE WHERE HE HAD THE WOMAN STALKER ON?

MAN, SHE WAS SCARY.

NO, I MISSED THAT ONE.