Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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[Ralphie] Oh, my God!

Wow!

This is amazing!

Look at all these waffles.

[woman] Ralphie, wake up!

Hey!

I got your breakfast.

- What is it? - Buckwheat waffle and wheat grass.

- Have a good day. - Ugh.

[Ralphie] It smells like hay.

Don't leave this here.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ralphie May!

Hey, calm down. Calm down.

Chill, chill. Sit, sit. Jesus.

Calm down. Nice.

Nice. Sit. Sit.

Come on, guys. Jesus.

Only I should be standing. I'm sorry for you people up front.

You look scared as shit.

I'm not gonna trip. I promise, sir.

[laughs]

It's great to be here in Las Vegas.

We're having a great time.

I was trying to gamble around the hotel

and, um...

Wow. I sat down on a slot machine

and got the shit knocked out of me by an old lady. A, uh...

I swear to God, an octogenarian rolled up on her scooter.

[imitates scooter]

[distorted] Get off my machine, asshole. Get off my machine.

I'm still here, asshole. Yeah, baby.

Pretty serious, those old people, Jack.

Pretty serious. Don't get in front of their...

them and a buffet, Jack. Don't get between 'em.

I...

The gambling's fine around Vegas.

Okay, I play Black Jack. That's my game.

- I like to play Black Jack. Anybody else? - [crowd cheering]

I lost. These Asian dealers here...

they fucking kicked my ass.

Fuck you, Asians.

Nothing makes me racist faster than losing money. Okay?

I'll be a racist son of a bitch. I don't care.

Hey, what are you?

What are you so I can hate you better? All right.

[laughs]

I know you're one of them "'neses."

Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese...

One of them 'neses.

What are you?

[laughs]

They're so fast, man. They deal so fast.

You know what I'm talking about? You've seen it.

Jesus, they're so fast.

Ugh.

I lost 300 dollars, and I didn't even know I was playing.

Here's how I did it.

The, uh...I was sitting on the far side of the Black Jack table.

The chairs were bunched up, so I was getting another chair.

I didn't wanna be the fat guy on two chairs. 'Cause...

my fans would take pictures of it

and send to my website and bust my balls. I'm not gonna do that. So...

I'm on one chair. Okay? One chair.

I'm getting situated. And I've got... I'm trying not to fall, okay?

I've got my hand on the table.

I've got my chips in my hand.

And...[blows raspberry]

[imitating dealer] You lose.

What? How did I lose?

I have my fingers on my chips.

It's like checkers. You can't lose when your finger's on it.

It doesn't count.

Right?

That's not...

We're at the beautiful South Point Hotel, and, uh...

I like that it's off The Strip.

The reason I really like that its off The Strip is because

you don't have that temptation of walking to another hotel.

You know what I mean?

My wife and I, and our kids were staying at Caesars.

My Jew broad wife wanted to... That's right.

I married a Jew. I made some Jews. I'm doing the work of Christ, folks.

Somebody's gotta make them. Might as well be me.

All right, anyways. So, we're up there and...

my wife wants to go see the fountains at Bellagio.

"Oh, my God, let's go walk to see the fountains at Bellagio.

It's so wonderful."

"It's water. You know that, right? We're watching a fountain...

that's set to an iPod. Okay, seriously?"

It's a soundtrack it's set to, right?

"Why don't I get you a stereo and a squirt gun? How about that?

Stay right the hell here. That'll be awesome."

[imitating wife] "No, let's go, let's go."

[groans]

Did not want to make that Trail of Tears walk.

I knew how long it was. My wife did not.

I'm advocating getting a cab.

"Okay? Let's get a cab. It's a fucking ways."

"No, it's just right there. I saw it out of my hotel."

It took us seven hours to get out of L.A.

Walked for seven hours.

My pinky toe's burnin'.

It's on fire. We're...

We're on the sidewalk, and it's like...

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Lord, Lord, Lord ♪

♪ Hmm, hmm, hmm ♪

The first night we camped by the river.

♪ Lord, Lord, Lord, Lord ♪

♪ Hmm hmm hmm ♪

So funny.

Me with the kids. I'm carrying two babies, okay?

Oh, God.

I'm like, "Go on without us, honey, go on.

Me and the kids will stay here. We'll use these hooker magazines

that the Mexicans are passing out to stay warm."

[laughs]

Something's been bugging me. I've seen it a lot here.

It's a real popular thing now. The hipster movement.

Young dudes hipstered out.

You know what this is. You've seen 'em.

They're douchebaggy dudes, okay?

All right? That're wearing pants that are way too tight.

Way too tight.

All right? Just a little hint, young men.

Start buying pants in the men's section.

Okay? Try that out, for... I'm just saying.

Maybe I'm old fashioned,

but you shouldn't be able to tell a dude's got camel-toe from the back.

Hey, bro, I saw your nuts. Yeah. From behind. Yikes.

That was stupid.

Yeah. There was always some dude in tight pants mad at me.

Fuck you, fat guy. I look good.

Mm.

All right, don't listen to me. I hope you get a yeast infection.

How do you like that?

Hope you get a yeast infection. Yeah.

I hope your "mangina's" itching and burning.

Well, to me it's funny. They get all worked up.

What I really don't like

is that they're wearing big, dumb, hoop earrings.

A hockey puck in their ear.

Does that bother anybody but me? It's so gross.

- [crowd cheering] - Ah!

Stupid hockey puck in your ears fucking grosses me out.

So gnarly.

Ugh.

I mean, who decided that was a good look?

Hey, I'm gonna put a fucking ashtray right there in my ear.

So gross. It's all stretched out.

You do know that's not coming back, right?

You don't take the ashtray out then the next day... [vocalize]

Oh man, I can't even fit my hockey puck in it now.

It's all shrunk back up.

You know it stinks, too. Ugh.

You know it smells like baloney and fucking belly button lint.

Gnarly.

It's always white people, too.

I'm sorry your mama didn't read to you, but...

Take that shit out of your ear.

Gotta man up sometime, you know.

Can't just go like that.

Ugh. It's either white people or Mexicans that think they're white.

You know what I'm talking about.

Mexicans will tell you. You're like, "Fuck , yeah."

You think you're white, bro? Okay. Go to a bank. They'll tell you.

Every time I mention it's only white people that do that,

some white dude with hockey pucks in his ear, says...

"Bro, this started in Africa."

Yeah. But you don't see black guys with that shit in their ears now, do you?

No! Black people don't do that. 'Cause they learned.

Their grandmama told them the truth.

That's how black people got caught in Africa.

They grabbed them by their jughandle right there.

Hyah!

I got them by their jughandle. Get your ass over here.

Hyah!

Got them by their jughandle.

Now some people are upset at me. That is not P.C., okay?

Ralphie, are you saying that

the reason behind blacks got caught and put into slavery

was because somebody caught them by their jughandle?

Yeah.

That's exactly what I'm saying. Got them by their jughandle earlobe.

Your hypothesis is there was a bunch of

white people that were faster than black people.

What makes more sense? Your theory or mine?

Mine.

Mine's based somewhat in reality.

I've never met white people faster than black people. Stop.

I'm sorry. You think some pilgrim-looking dude is gonna...

with a fucking dumb hat and buckle shoes

is gonna outrun Kunami, a Zulu warrior

who could run 28 miles through lion country? Stop.

[guffaws] Mm-mm.

That is not happening, Jack.

You will not catch Kunami.

[clicking tongue]

Unless you get him by his jug handle.

If you're a woman and you're banging a dude

with that big dumb hoop earring shit,

you get what you get, bitch.

You get what you get.

Dummy.

Look at what that guy did to himself.

He did that shit to himself. He maimed himself.

That guy's gonna have no regard for what he's to do to you.

That dude is going right in your butt, girls.

Right in your little pooper.

[grunts]

Minimal lube. Minimal lube.

[grunts]

Right there.

Yeah. Minimal lube.

You can't go right in the butt. Everybody knows that.

That's like laying down a bunt and running to third.

Where the hell are you going, retard? Go to first base. Jesus Christ.

Right?

[crowd cheering]

So funny.

And then, they've got the dumb beards.

The big dumb beards is what they wear now.

If you're a construction worker or a mechanic...

a biker or a football player,

a felon,

then you get a beard.

If the worst thing you've gone through is having to sleep

outside a Best Buy for two nights while you wait on Call of Duty Black Ops,

you don't get a beard. Sorry.

We call them bullshit.

Do not get a beard.

Guys with beards...

When I see young men with beards, I think to myself,

"There's a guy who hadn't had a woman on his face in forever."

Yeah.

No, I'm wrong. You're right.

Chicks always love a big loofah to grind their 'gina down.

Shave your dumb beards.

Don't boo-hoo on how you can't find a job, stupid.

And with the ears?

Man. You're gonna have to lie

to your grandchildren or have an operation.

You think anybody ever thinks about this?

I'm gonna have an operation to fix my dumb ears.

I'm gonna have to lie to my fucking kids and grandchildren.

"Grandaddy, what happened to your ears?"

"Well, I guess it was...

"back in...

"2013.

"I was living in Silver Lake, a hip, cool part of Los Angeles.

"I'd just gotten off work at the Starbucks.

"I was wearing my best tight jeans-- cute little set of burgundy capris.

"Yeah.

"I was on my way to a Mumford and Son's concert...

when I got attacked by a bear."

[snarls]

Lie to your kids, grandchildren...

Ah, so funny.

Last year was a tough year for me as a comedian.

Everybody was political, everybody was mad at each other.

Don't know if y'all felt that.

There was a real line between everybody.

And people got really worked up, man. People would scream at me.

"Who you votin' for?"

I'm like, "I'm having lunch. I'm voting for that coleslaw.

"I'm having a two-piece dark and some mashed potatoes.

Beat it, dude."

Ralphie, who you voting for?

I guess Obama.

Oh, my God! Are you... [gibbering]

Really? Really?

He wouldn't shut up. They would not shut up.

He kept telling me voting for Obama was gonna be the end of the world.

And I finally just realized

this guy just hates black people.

If I run to it, he'll leave me alone. So, forgive me, black folks,

but I answered kinda racistly, when he kept asking me.

He was like... "So, now that I have told you everything...

"How the constitution's gonna end the world's gonna end

if Obama gets elected, who you gonna vote for now?"

And I said...

"I guess I'm going with darky."

He stopped for a minute.

"Well, I don't like the fact you said Obama, but...

"He did say it racistly.

Fair enough. I can't be mad at that."

I just wish they would run to it, man...

But I love Obama, man.

Congratulations, black people,

on the election of Barack Obama as President.

Congratulations, right on.

Black folks, y'all gotta start tipping now.

You had a good run. I ain't mad at you.

I am not mad at you. Fifty years of no tipping,

that's a genius financial strategy, black folks. Genius.

Fifty years and no tip

and you save trillions of dollars as a people.

That is amazing. Trillions and trillions of dollars.

Sorry, black folks.

You can't bitch about the man keeping you down when you're the man.

That's right.

Miss Rosa Parks sat, so Dr. King could walk, so Barack could run,

so your black ass could tip 20 percent.

Yes, we can! Yes, we can!

♪ All we are saying ♪

♪ Is give tipping a chance ♪

There's nice black folks in the back going, "Excuse us.

We were under the impression it was 15 percent."

I say to you good folks, it could've been 15 percent.

If black people started tipping in 1993, you could've got in at 15 percent.

Unfortunately for you, it's 2013.

Inflation is a tide that rises all boats. Here we stand at 20 percent.

Yes, we can. Yes, we can.

- Any Latinos in here? Make some noise. - [crowd cheering]

Oh shit, all right. Tick tock, spicks. Listen up.

We get us an El Presidente,

you Latinos could be looking up at 32 percent on the end of your check.

I implore you Latinos to get in on the ground floor

with these good black people at 20 percent.

The money you saved could be your own.

Asians?

No need to rush. No need to rush.

What's funny is the black people and the Latinos are laughing.

That's cold, man! That's cold! I know it's a dick joke.

Sorry, I'm an asshole.

It's funny, though.

It's funny. But that is the coldest part.

That Asian part, that's the coldest part. That's the absence of hope.

Sorry, Asians, there's no way you all are gonna be presidents. Stop it.

I do that joke and I'm gonna be hit with a ninja star one of these days.

I'd love an Asian president, man. We got drama in Asia.

We got China, North Korea. We need an Asian president.

'Cause our Asian president would look North Korea's president

slanted eye to slanted eye...

and let him know we mean business.

[murmurs]

You can assassinate people. You can be a fucking ninja

and a president, what? A ninja and a president?

He'd be at a summit meeting.

[blows] [groans]

That'd be awesome. Are you shitting me? It'd be great.

I guess I am a dick, sorry.

[Ralphie] I work people up sometimes.

I don't care. I'm married. I don't give a shit anymore about anything, man.

When you're married, you phone it in. Right, guys?

I don't give a shit.

Like, I'll tell you the truth, I got a medium dick.

That's about as open as it gets, right there, isn't it?

Medium dick. Six inches to the base.

It's a legit measure, folks.

Just a medium dick, but it's a sweet dick.

Don't get it twisted. It's a sweet dick.

♪ Sweet dick ♪

It is.

Suck my dick. I'll give you cavities.

♪ Sweet dick ♪

That's right.

Ralphie, this coffee is kinda strong.

Here, let me dip my dick in it.

Now it's too sweet. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I stirred it up for you. I should've just put the tip in.

Listen to this dumb joke. Okay? Uh... [guffaws]

I don't have STDs, but I might give you diabetes.

So stupid.

I always say my dick is medium because I'm afraid

there might be black guys around who want to have a dick race. Y'all win.

You win, black guys. You win.

Even this light-skinned black guy right here. He wins.

You gotta couple of white sticks in the woodpile.

That's a light-skinned straight nose. Let's be honest.

You're a flag away from being Puerto Rican, player.

All right?

Y'all win, black guys.

We've all been in them websites, we've seen it,

twelve inches of dick. Jesus Christ Almighty.

Dick so big got a elbow in it. Don't it, player? Damn!

[imitates Arabian flute]

Jesus. That's a hog, man.

I don't know if that's a dick or a trunk. Jesus!

[imitates elephant]

You win.

I'm sure you've all gotten that e-mail before at work.

You wanna see something hot, so you double-click on it.

Up pops a window with this massive dick

splitting a white girl like cordwood.

Just... [grunting]

You hit delete, then fucking 12 other boxes pop up.

[grunting]

Looks like a Floyd Mayweather fight. You're like, "Jesus Christ!"

I didn't know my computer had this much memory. Shit!

Somebody walks into your office. Ah!

Next day you're in HR for three hours filling out paperwork.

"It was an e-mail." "Sure, it was."

So congratulations, black guys, on your 12 inches of dick.

Good for you guys.

Buddy of mine in Houston is a urologist.

And he told me that the average vagina depth is seven inches.

Congratulations, black guys, on your five inches of dry dick.

You big dick showboat motherfuckers.

You don't even need all that dick.

Showboaters.

You don't need all that dick.

Does that make you feel good?

You've got more dick dry than most Asian men will ever have wet.

That's not nice.

I see you laughing over there. I can see your teeth, that's all. Damn.

Brother's dark over there. Jesus.

His name is Cave.

So funny.

After my show, one of my buddies saw that bit

and he had to come up and tell me about his dick.

"Dude, I got a big dick." I'm like, "I don't care."

I stopped caring about other dudes' dicks in like...

Never cared about them.

I just never did.

Whatever you got doesn't affect me, man.

I don't even care at all about anybody else's dick. I don't care.

I come. What do I give a shit?

I don't give a shit. Dude, it's big.

It's eight inches to the balls.

I'm like, "You know that doesn't count, right?"

"What do you mean, bro?"

"You can't measure to the balls. Hasn't counted since eighth grade."

"Dude, the balls count." "No, they don't."

Any girls ever get fucked by some balls?

"Oh, Daddy, put some rocks in my pocket.

"Come on. Ball-fuck me.

"Whoo!

My 'gina's like a squirrel saving up for the winter."

He's like, "Dude, it counts."

"No, it doesn't, bro." "Why not?"

"Depending on temperature, your balls could be from

"quarter inches from your dick to five inches away.

Elevation. There's shit to be known."

I'm like, "Dude, if you got eight inches to the balls,

then I got a foot of dick. I measured to the butt-hole."

Just like you do a cat's tail. You measure it right to the butt-hole.

So stupid.

A buddy of mine just broke up with a girl and he's having a tough time.

I had to tell him a story one time about a girl who broke up with me.

We'd been dating nine months before I met my wife.

We broke up with each other yelling. You get mean with each other.

She's screaming at me, "You got a little dick!"

I'm like, "What?"

We've been together nine months

and now suddenly my dick's the problem?

Seriously.

You do know that's like, you ate a whole pizza.

And go, "That pizza was bullshit.

That's the worst pizza I ever ate all of."

Little dick. Mine's medium, okay? I got a medium dick.

I got a tool box in my truck right now with a tape measure in it, bitch.

If Stanley says you're six inches, you're six inches.

All right?

The truth is you've got a large vagina.

[guffaws]

It's them big old gaping hound dog jowls

you've been toting around. That's the problem.

[barks]

♪ There's a hole in the earth ♪

♪ Straight down to hell ♪

I know.

Women get mad at that joke. "That's not very funny."

Kinda funny.

It's kinda funny.

Not funny.

What's really funny is, during that joke,

a lot of guys couldn't laugh, 'cause they were like...[whimpers]

See, the problem is that women share a lie.

They keep perpetrating a lie that all vaginas are exactly the same.

Super tight and shallow. Like a upside down thimble.

Yeah.

"My 'gina still squeaks like it did in high school."

[laughs] Oh, stop.

You remember being a creep in high school,

watching the girls basketball or volleyball teams?

Squeak, squeak, squeak...

You just think it's the sneakers.

Nuh-uh!

It's that little paper cut 'gina meat. That's what it is.

Yes, sir.

♪ Paper cut 'gina Paper cut 'gina ♪

Look at the cougars now. Look at all these mad women in here.

[snarling] [growling] [barking]

My 'gina still squeaks.

Squeak. See, told you.

Trying to get your monkey to squeak sounds like you're starting a dirt bike.

[imitates engine]

No woman ever admits to having big old gaping, flapping vaginas,

but makes sense. We all know

penises comes in different sizes-- small, medium, large, and black.

Shouldn't 'ginas correspond? Every key having its lock and all.

But women won't admit to it. They won't admit a goddamn thing about...

"No, not my monkey. Mm-mm.

No, no."

That's weird, because every guy has had to hula-hoop-fuck a chick before.

You know what I'm talking about.

You can't get friction on both sides on both sides of your dick at the same time.

You gotta put it in one side...

and bring it down the other.

We're gonna be here a while.

This is a great room. You gonna wallpaper this? Nice.

Baseball just started. Who you like this year?

So stupid.

Listen, girls. If you park a car in a three-car garage,

should the car feel bad about being the average car length

and average car width?

Is the problem you don't have enough car,

or maybe you've got too much fucking garage?

I've always done well with women.

I got a beautiful wife, a really hot wife.

She's so fine, I know. She really is.

She's so goddamn hot.

I've been with 14 years, and I still can't believe I get to fuck her.

I giggle a little bit every time I put it in.

[giggles] This is awesome.

Oh, God. This is great.

But I always did good with the women.

For a normal guy, I did really good.

For a fat guy, I should be in the Hall of Fame.

I'm not joking around. I did really well.

I had a lot of heart.

You gotta have the attitude to pick up women.

Who gives a damn? Ask them. Talk to 'em all.

That's what I do. I go into a bar.

I start with the hottest chick and work my way down.

Let the market set the price.

If she says no, fine.

If the worst thing that can happen is, I go home, and

eat a turkey pot pie,

jerk off and watch SportsCenter.

It's a strong Thursday.

That's a strong Thursday, Jack.

I can't hate on that. That's a strong Thursday.

That's as good as it gets.

Ask her. She might have low self-esteem. You don't know.

"Daddy's gonna make you feel pretty. Come on, baby."

A lot of guys use come-on lines and stuff like that. Not me.

I just walk up to women and be forthright.

Hello.

I saw you from across the room...

You are beautiful. Pardon me for being too forward, but

I just thought to myself, "If I let you go away

without talking to you, I'm stupid."

If you're half as beautiful on the inside as you're on the outside,

you're somebody I'd like to get to know. Can I sit?

"Oh, my God." I know.

You're feeling it, girls. "This motherfucker is serious." I know.

A lot of guys don't understand how women operate.

Guys.

Shut up.

Shut your mouth.

More guys talk their way out of pussy than ever talk their way into it.

Shut your mouth.

Every woman wants to have a great conversation.

None of them wanna hear what you have to say.

They just wanna hear themselves rattle on.

So, knowing how women work,

their patterns-- about five minutes into the conversation, it'll die down.

She'll stop, she'll end her story,

she'll drink the free drink you got her

and wait for you to ask her more questions about herself

so that she can take off for another five minutes.

I always liked girls who have freckles.

White, black or brown. I like girls who have freckles.

Girls with freckles always hate their freckles.

Because it's a mark on their face,

and they're brainwashed by the makeup industry

to think any mark is a detraction from who they are

instead of an enhancement like I think it is.

You have to understand that makeup is the biggest con ever pulled

on man.

It's the stupidest-- It's a big con.

They strike you girls when you're young.

You're young, and, they're like...

"You're 13, huh?" [high-pitched] "Yeah, I'm 13. Things are weird."

"Yeah, I'll say.

'Cause you look like shit."

[high-pitched] "Really?"

"Yes.

"All that shit on your face, you gotta cover that up.

"Yeah, it's all...

"Here's some cover up. Put that on your face.

"Oh, fuck! Now you look like a zombie.

"You're gonna need some color. So, here's some makeup.

"Here's your makeup.

"Yeah, that shit's hard to get off, isn't it?

You're gonna need other shit, 'cause it ruins your skin."

Girls, it's just a fucking con.

They're conning you, all right?

If you stopped wearing makeup tomorrow, there's nothing we could do.

You're the only game in town.

You're not gonna turn three billion men gay overnight.

It's just not gonna happen.

We'll still fuck you. Believe it or not.

And you'll save thousands every year and time and wear on your face.

No guy--

This has never been said by a man, ever.

Get the fuck off my dick!

Is that last year's eye shadow?

You dirty bitch, get outta here.

It's never been said, ever.

Ever.

You don't have to wear it, girls. But they get worked up, man.

So...

If you're gonna talk to women, guys,

and you don't wanna hear what they have to say,

use these phrases and gestures

to seem like an amazingly attentive listener. Watch.

Oh, my God.

No!

What?

You're crazy.

Okay, all right.

[whispering] Wow.

This is the hardest one of all.

I love cats, too!

That's hard.

That's a difficult one. You can get that one down,

you've taken the stone from my hand, grasshopper. You are impressive.

You are a sensei master.

What you do is make conversation-- "Hi, how are you?"--

and let her start rambling.

She'll go for five minutes and die off.

"So, anyway.

We got my cat back from the vet and it was okay."

She's waiting for you to ask more about her.

What you do, if you don't have a lot of time

keep on looking at her in the eyes.

She might have bomb boobs. Don't look down.

Right in the eyes.

That's a distraction. That's a test.

You look down, you fail. You understand?

Eyes only. All right?

[high-pitched] "What?

"What? What are you looking at? Jesus.

Stop. What?"

Sorry. Something weird happened while you were talking.

I got kinda tunnel vision and I got lost in your eyes.

But what glued my eyes to yours were

the way these freckles kissed your cheek and nose They're beautiful.

Just let it sit.

Just let it sit.

Let her marinate in that bullshit. Let her marinate.

You watch. She'll take the bait.

They'll argue with you.

If you give a woman a compliment

about something she doesn't agree is nice,

she'll argue that you're wrong.

[high-pitched] "Really? You like my freckles? I hate my freckles.

"I wanna have them lasered off, but it's so expensive.

"My dermatologist gave me cream and they're lightening up.

"I'm saving to get laser.

"I'm working extra shifts at Chili's. It's hard because...

"everybody wants that new cheeseburger...

"It's like, Oh, my God.

"Everybody wants Ranch... Ranch, Ranch, I need more Ranch.

"Can I get some more Ranch, please? Anybody got any Ranch...

"This is not a ranch. It's a Chili's, okay? There are no cows.

That's why I'm gonna get them lasered off."

Let her run a little and then like a pimp--

Pimp move, white kids. Might be hard for you to pull off.

My man got no problem.

Watch.

Shh.

Put your finger a quarter of an inch away from her lips.

Bring your fingers up and move her hair off her face.

Go down to the jaws with your two interior fingers.

Follow that jawline up to her chin, lifting ever so slightly.

Now you got this bitch's full attention.

That's when we say some smooth shit.

"No, baby. Don't ever touch a freckle on your face.

A woman without freckles is a night without stars."

♪ Smooth operator ♪

♪ Smooth operator ♪

[hums]

It worked, man. It worked a lot.

Say what you will but it works.

Sometimes you fish with a hook in line

and sometimes you cast the net.

If there's a bunch of girls, use your talents.

My mama was a choir teacher.

I'd just walk up to women and sing '70s love songs.

♪ I... I'm so in love with you ♪

♪ Whatever you want to do ♪

"No? Bitch."

All right, see?

It's a numbers game.

Eventually, one of 'em is drunk enough.

I lie to get women into bed,

but I never lied about what was gonna happen.

It builds false hope, don't it, girls?

Guys tell you stuff.

Girl, I'm gonna fuck you all night long.

You ain't getting that lie out of my mouth.

That's a goddamn lie right there, Jack.

You're not getting that lie to leave my lips.

Cause women expect you to live up to that shit.

I tell them the truth.

I'm gonna give you 20 minutes of hard dicking

and then I'm going to sleep.

And if you don't come,

I ain't gon' feel bad about it.

I'm not gonna feel bad. Not one bit.

I told you exactly how much time you had for your orgasm.

Twenty minutes, same as me.

That's all I need. That's all you need. Understand?

I believe in equal rights for women. I do.

I'm pro-woman.

Don't be mad you couldn't come because you're a shitty time manager.

Get it together, bitch. Get it together.

I refuse to be responsible for your orgasm.

I told them. Think of it as a race.

You beat me at coming, you win.

But you need to understand

I'm amazingly competitive.

So don't be screaming out.

Okay, at 12 minutes, "I'm gonna come!"

I'll cheat.

I swear to God.

If I hear you screaming like that

I'll stick a finger in my own ass and drop a batch.

I was taking my buddy Billy Wayne out.

Billy's going through a divorce,

and he...

His wife just broke him.

He was a shattered man sitting at the bar,

and I'm there with him so he doesn't get crazy.

Have you ever had a friend who gets drunk and gets crazy?

Whoo!

"I wanna go jump off that building!"

"No, you're not, stupid. Sit down.

I'll tape you to your chair if you think that's a good idea."

That's Billy.

He was moaning in his beer.

"I ain't been with a woman in I don't know how long."

I'm like, "How long is that?"

He's like, "Six-seven months."

Damn.

Why don't you talk to those girls there?

Who, them big girls?

Yeah, what the fuck's wrong with big girls?

Nothing. I never been with one. I don't even know what to do.

You put it in and rub it around till you're done, stupid.

Fuck you talking about?

You want me help push? What do you want me to do?

Gonna call me coach? Come on, stroke.

Stroke, stroke.

He's like, "I've never been with a big girl.

I don't know what to do with them."

You never tagged a big girl before? No, man. Never.

Wow! You are a shitty wingman.

That's a shitty wingman right there.

Oh, my God! That means you've let your buddy's get cock blocked.

That's not cool, bro.

Sometimes getting laid is a team sport. You know?

Somebody's gotta carry the ball, somebody's gotta block.

You ever go to a nightclub and you're talking to a chick at the bar

and making time with her? You've got your leg on her stool

and she's touched your thigh with her calf a couple times.

Legs crossed, her hands on your hand.

And then she's like, "Let's go dance."

And in your mind, you're like, "Shit! Shit! God damn it.."

[Ralphie mutters]

"This was going great.

Shit!"

I'd love to!

The reason you don't wanna dance is you used to have to dance

and it sucked.

But dancing has changed.

It used to...when I was dancing with girls,

you'd look at the girl's eyes to dance with her.

Nowadays, if you look at a chick's eyes, that's not the chick you're dancing with.

That's not the chick you're dancing with.

These girls are so in touch with their sexuality,

as soon as they come out on the floor,

they immediately put their ass on your junk

and rub it back and forth and see if you're worth getting out of their panties.

As man, if you've never had this done, you don't know what to expect.

You're like, "We're in public, bitch--"

You get used to it quick. You're like...

[grunting]

She drops a little lower and puts that fire-breathing monkey on it.

[blows]

That little dragon they're sitting on. That little good dragon.

[blows]

El fuego, the dragon, guey.

[blows hoarsely]

You're like, "Oh, my God!

Her 'gina's breathing on me."

A bad song comes on. Boom! Go to the booth.

Gentlemen, at that point, you have to make a crucial decision.

Do you get her a glass of water or buy this chick another drink?

Young men think she needs to get drunker.

Professional guys,

guys with experience realize, "This bitch's had enough.

I'm gonna save six dollars right here. Get this hoe some water."

Because, gentlemen...

Young men don't know this yet but older men do.

There's a thin line between doggy style and babysitting.

- [crowd cheering] - That's right.

You get that bitch too drunk, you're babysitting.

If you exceed the alcohol intake, you're sitting there

with a "Drunky Brewster." Okay? You're babysitting this dumb bitch.

God forbid I'm ever single again, I don't have the patience for this bullshit.

Girls, I ain't gonna hold your hair.

[high-pitched] "Hold my hair. If not, I'm gonna have to shower."

Shower, bitch. You just threw up. That's disgusting.

Wash your monkey ass. Jesus.

It's fucking gross.

Wash.

Like this one.

The three-hour ride home

where this drunk bitch can't tell you where the fuck she lives.

[high-pitched] "It looks like a house. It looks like a house. I'm asleep."

No, I'm not doing that shit again. I stopped doing that at 23.

If the ride is more than seven minutes...

Tuck 'n' roll, bitch. Get the fuck out!

Get the fuck out!

I don't have time.

Beat it, broad.

Beat it.

Anyway, you're talking to her, making out with her,

you go to touch her shoulder, you accidentally touch her boob.

A lot of guys in here

remember back in the day when they were single.

That accident would get you slapped.

Not anymore.

Nowadays, these chicks take your hand

and put it right on their 'gina meat. Swear to God.

I'm the only one who ate the cake mix bowl. I'm it.

All right. I'm it. I'll take a beat or two, Mama.

Anyways...

she's tuned up. She's like, "Let's get out of here, let's have sex."

And you're like, "Yes."

You got her by the hand going to the door of the club

and as you're heading out the door

out comes her fat girlfriend with that old school cock block.

You know the one I'm talking about.

[husky voice] "We came together. We got to leave together."

The fuck we do, bitch.

I'm about to take your girlfriend Stephanie. Stephanie, right?

Stephanie.

Out to the parking lot and fuck her in my Nissan Sentra.

Here's 20 bucks. Why don't you go to IHOP

and let it ride, big bitch?

Right then...

right there...

is where you need a wingman.

You need a wingman to come in.

Distract that big bitch while you get away.

Wingman comes in, "I'm sorry, baby.

My friend's a jerk. What's your name, beautiful?"

[husky voice] "Barbara."

"That's a beautiful name, Barbara."

[nervous chuckle]

"Barbara, has anyone ever told you you have beautiful eyes?"

[husky voice] "Everybody says it's my best feature."

"They are right about that.

They are right about that. It is your best feature.

Barbara, did my friend really give you $20 and say, 'Go to IHOP'?"

[husky-voice] "He sure did. He's a dick."

"I know he is, Barbara. I can't believe he did that to you.

You look like a nice girl.

I'm sorry my friend's a jerk, but he was my only ride.

I don't know anybody else here. I'm stranded.

Barbara? What do you say l take you to IHOP?

You keep that $20. We'll get to know each other, you know?

You look like a nice girl. I could use a friend. What do you say?"

[husky voice] "Okay, let me get my pocketbook."

Don't take it from me that banging fat girls is somehow a bad thing.

I've been the fat girl a couple times. I'm not gonna lie.

You ever drive to the club and your buddy pick up a chick,

they make out in your car and you're like, "Bitch, get out

and get me a skank to sit in front. I ain't driving you all around. No."

Big girls are awesome. They come with benefits.

Big girls always got a refrigerator full of groceries.

Fuck, yeah.

Skinny girl got two olives in there and some baking soda.

Old lettuce. That's it.

Big girl got cable, air-conditioning. Shit.

You don't wanna get caught in Vegas in August

without no A.C., do you, baby? Come on.

Avoid the rush. Get your fat girl early.

I said that to Billy Wayne, and he took off.

And, uh...

I got a phone call the next morning at nine.

"Hey, man.

I need you to come pick me up."

"All right, where you at, bro?" "Hold on. Let me find some mail."

Isn't that a great phone call?

The "let me find some mail" phone call?

Makes you feel like you're part of the team.

Like you didn't get your uniform dirty, but you still can get a ring.

You're part of the team.

I go to pick him up

and his smile gets in my car five feet before he does.

And I'm like, "Man, how was it?"

"Dude, I'm a changed man."

"Really? Big girl was great?"

"Great? Phenomenal."

"What happened?"

"Took me to her place, banged her twice,

"I thought we were done. Okay?

"Yeah, that big girl wasn't done with me, man.

She grabbed my dick and proceeded to fuck herself for the next five hours."

[grunting]

He said, "At five A.M., she threw me back my dick

and left me shaking in the corner of the bed like...

I was wrapped up in the mattress pad, man, I didn't--"

I'm like, "Why was you wrapped up in the mattress pad?"

"Girl had the air conditioner way up. It was cold as shit."

Oh!

He said he passed out, two hours later,

she woke him with hot coffee, cream and sugar like he liked.

He goes, "Then she asked me if I wanted breakfast."

And I'm like, "What?! You got breakfast?

"On a one-night stand. Damn!

Wow. Tell me more."

"All right, I came 12 times.

Way more than in 8th grade and made that ceramic sock."

"You creep! I didn't want to know that shit!

I wanted to hear more about breakfast."

"Oh, I got a waffle." "What?!"

If you can get a waffle on a one-night stand,

look yourself in the mirror and go, "I'm a goddamn American."

That is getting it done.

You gotta be married to get a waffle.

And even then, you still gotta earn it.

You gotta earn it.

You gon' get a woman to make waffles, you better've done something.

Have a trapeze under that 'gina meat or something.

My wife makes me waffles.

I still gotta earn 'em.

My wife perverted my favorite breakfast

into how we were gonna start me losing weight.

It's worked pretty good, I've lost 40-somethin' pounds this year,

- and I'm doing good. - [crowd cheering]

Stop. Save your applause for somebody who made a difference.

It's 40 pounds, that's nothing.

Let me get a little further, then you can applaud.

It's like, "Yay, I'm in four-x."

To shit, right?

Anyway, my wife and I had a great night.

No kids bothered us.

No kids coming in and being little cock blocks.

You drop a load...

[imitates baby crying]

Great. Your baby want to sleep with y'all.

Put her on the pillows, otherwise she'll get stuck to the sheet.

We're respectable.

We won't let our baby sleep in the wet spots.

Look at that baby stuck to those sheets. Aah! Help!

Have to wait till it dries and then pop it.

Pop it and break it up. Ching, ching, ching!

Then flick it off like it's donut glaze.

We had a good night. Got woken up by our kids,

and we're getting up and she's like,

"No, baby, stay in bed.

I'll make your favorite. You worked hard. You were crazy."

First, I'm pausing 'cause it might be a trap.

Then I roll over going, "Ol' sweet dick took care of that monkey."

I sleep for another 45 minutes. I got my pajama bottoms on.

I put my house shoes on, grab my robe.

I walk downstairs like I'm Hugh Hefner.

Go downstairs, turn the corner,

and my wife is handing me a brown man-hole cover on a plate.

I'm like, "What is that?"

[high-pitched] "It's a buckwheat waffle with kale powder."

A what?

You're saying eat this on the toilet, 'cause I'm gonna shit, right?

[high-pitched] "Why are you being like that?"

Kale powder, seriously?

My farts are gonna smell like cut grass for days.

[high-pitched] "Seriously. I don't know what your problem is."

My problem is no one in history's gone,

"I hope they got buckwheat waffles with kale.

That'd be awesome, wouldn't it?"

[high-pitched] "I worked fucking very hard on this waffle.

You're gonna eat it."

Hey, I worked hard last night.

I didn't go down on you then flip you over to eat your asshole

and do that thing from behind you like,

then fuck you four times so I could eat a buckwheat waffle

with kale powder. Are you shitting me?

A buckwheat waffle with kale powder.

When you eat asshole,

you get a real waffle with butter and syrup.

That's right, butter and syrup.

Because there's some shit that Scope and toothpaste ain't gonna cut.

You need that butter and syrup to lift that asshole taste off your mouth.

Then that waffle scraping action to get it all away from you.

All you're doing is putting more taste

of asshole in my mouth!

Girls, that's what your butthole tastes like.

Like a buckwheat waffle with kale powder.

[high-pitched] "I always wondered what my butthole tasted like.

Oh, my God."

I wanna give you a homework assignment,

'cause I'm trying to bring finger banging back.

You forget.

I haven't fingered anybody in a while. I know, huh?

Everybody gets bored on long drives.

Enjoy this one.

You're driving home tonight,

take the freeway, as soon as you get in the car,

look over at your girl, and go,

"Take your panties off."

Now make sure it's your girl.

Like your wife or your girlfriend.

Not your first date, rapey.

And then tell her, "Take your panties off."

Now you're gonna meet a little resistance.

[high-pitched] "I am not taking my panties off.

I don't care what that fat guy said. Fuck him, and fuck you, too."

Stand your ground.

Young men, what you don't know is that every woman

is a dirty, filthy animal.

They are dirty, filthy animals.

They love doing all that crazy shit.

They just don't want anybody else to know

that they're dirty, filthy animals.

So they need deniability. They have to act like they don't want to,

that way if you get busted by the cops, she can go, "He made me do it, officer!"

But if you don't get busted by the cops, the next day, she'll be like, "Oh, my God,

we were crazy last night. Wasn't that fun? Oh, my God."

Yeah. Give her two weeks, it'll have been her idea.

Okay? Yeah. That's how women work.

Stand your ground. Drop a little bass in your voice,

get a little crazy.

"Bitch, take your goddamn panties off!"

[high-pitched] "Okay, Jesus Christ."

Lots of spit. Remember, no turkey calling.

Right there. Nicey nice. Ease into it.

At first she won't like it. Give her about 25 seconds.

She'll be pushing back.

[grunting]

People go, "Ralphie, how can you advocate people finger bang

and drive?" What? It's not texting.

Texting's way up here. Finger banging's down here.

Eyes front. Eyes front.

Okay?

All right?

Get on the freeway.

Finger blast her on the freeway.

Turn the radio to classic rock.

And hopefully Journey will play.

Journey is the number one finger bangingest band of all time.

I went and saw Journey in 1985,

and I took a little girl with the name Jennifer,

and I finger banged her the entire concert.

How awesome is that?

When I left that concert

my hand looked like I'd been swimming too long.

Yeah, nice.

Nice.

So, if you're doing it right, here's what'll happen.

She will crush your hand with her thighs.

Crush your hand with her thigh.

And give you a little palsy hand.

Ever seen anybody with a T. rex arm?

I love those guys, man.

It's okay to laugh.

Even people with cerebral palsy go, [slurring] "That's a funny fat guy.

That's a funny fuckin' joke."

With that little palsy hand, work that funky. [sings]

Right there, take the passenger side wheels

and put them in bumps on the side of the road.

[rolls tongue]

Yeah. And that's how you get a waffle.

Hey, guys. Thank you so much. It's my 25th year.

Thank you so much for being a part of it. Good night!

I'm Ralphie May. Imperfectly Yours.