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You said you wanted splashy.

- Is this splashy enough? - Well, it's a beginning.

I'm CFO, Chief Fun Officer.

And I'm art director, which is an actual title.

I have fans now.

Yeah, and they're incredibly wealthy

and they live in castles

and hire me to shoot their playthings.

We could turn Minx into so much more

than just a magazine.

Merchandising, uh, events,

international editions, taking this thing global.

Something is going on with you.

Whatever this is, I want to figure it out with you.

Please welcome Joyce Prigger.

- Am I a celebrity? - Sure, you're a celebrity.

Doesn't it seem like people are longing

for a way to be more open about sexuality

without feeling shame?

God save the queen of dicks.

And, you know, I don't think it stops there.

I-I think this feels like the beginning of something.

Hey.

Thank you.

Sunset Boulevard. You got 90,000 eyes a day.

That is a wonderful idea, Doug.

Truly inspired.

Really? 'Cause yesterday you said

that billboards were "a blight on the public commons."

Well, you know what, I slept on it,

and it's a winner.

Yes, Bambi.

Um, who are those people

and why do they keep taking our picture?

That's Rolling Stone, and they're here today

doing a feature on Bottom Dollar.

You really need to read my memos, Bambi.

Oh, I don't read memos on principle.

But fun.

Yes, it is.

It's... so much fun.

Big day today, big shoot, big issue.

Does anyone know where Richie is?

Art department's still waiting on his approval,

and I don't know why he's not here.

I'm here. I'm here and I'm ready.

Uh, more.

Both. Also both.

You know my budgets aren't suggestions, right?

Just how over are we?

Twenty percent and counting.

Eh, that's a rounding error in my book.

I think we need to support this man's vision.

You've earned it.

Thank you, Connie.

And in other news, the, uh, comment cards

for my new science magazine, uh, Beyond,

came out, and they're, uh...

... they're very positive.

Yeah, so I'll read 'em to you.

Somebody said, "Original."

"Mind-blowing."

"The biggest development in science

since the Punnett square."

I wrote that one.

And how are we looking on the calendars?

I think we've got some really sexy options.

Oh, Joycie, I pulled off the lady quotes.

So now it's just thick and juicy slices of beefcake.

Yum.

What the hell was that?

We've got Rolling Stone posted up,

and all of a sudden you decide to respect me?

Well, I-I don't... I don't know what you mean.

Come on, Prigger, please.

What are you doing?

This is our thing.

We fight, we bang heads,

but then we come together and we make magic.

It is very Minx-y.

When did that become an adjective?

I just don't understand why you're trying

to bore this reporter out of a story.

Do you have any idea who Simon Michaels is?

Y-you-you've brought death to our door.

Okay, this guy, he writes searing exposés.

He uncovers malfeasance.

He topples despots.

Last I checked, you are not a third world dictator, Joyce.

I think we'll be okay.

Yeah, well, still, one never knows

what's going to bring 'em down, you know?

Have you read a word about Nixon?

He's the president of the United States.

We publish a dick mag.

Although right now,

I don't know who's more paranoid.

In just six months, sales are through the roof.

Okay, writers beg to contribute.

We're on top. I mean, come on, why risk that?

Because, Joycie, if we get on the cover of Rolling Stone,

it'll launch us to outer fucking space.

No... you mean launch Beyond.

Okay? I'm not an idiot.

I'm not risking Minx

just so you can give your pet project a boost.

So this is about jealousy?

Oh, my God, no. I'm very... I'm very happy

for you and your new celebrity friend...

My editor, Joyce,

Carl Sagan.

Yeah, that kind of press is a distraction.

And what was that hatchet job you did on my calendar?

There it is. So you were pissed.

Doug, I spent hours curating

this-this treasure trove of feminist witticisms.

It pulled focus from the schlongs.

Schlongs without context are just schlongs, okay?

It's the quotes that make them Minx-y.

God damn it.

There it is, kid! There's the pepper!

Where was that in the meeting?

- Okay. - We gotta go.

Hey, and remember Grandma's picking you up

after school for the sleepover today, okay?

And if she pops that second jug of wine,

I want you to call.

Well, Tommy has a standing order

to water down the Carlo Rossi after 9:00.

Oh, and don't worry about going to the store.

- I have time today. - No way.

You got enough on your plate as hostess.

And besides, I want to make sure that you have

plenty of energy for later.

Oh, excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

I have a test first period.

Okay. All right, get out of here.

All right.

Well, well, good morning, lovebirds.

Hey, Harold and I were wondering if you had

a couple spots open at your table for dinner tonight.

You guys throw the best parties.

Right, Harold?

Driving the bus today, Lenny?

Must be in the doghouse.

Nope, just, uh,

enjoy spending time with my children.

I'm so sorry... even with the leaf,

we can only fit eight.

Maybe next time?

Okay.

You had one line, Harold.

One.

And this is where Richie sits.

He used to be in the studio,

but then Life magazine called him

"America's Picasso of the Pecker."

So, I gave him a work station and two assistants.

And over here is Tina.

She got to choose her own carpet.

She went with the short pile 'cause she's classy.

Is that you right there?

Yeah.

That was from before my CFO days.

You went from nude model

to Chief Financial Officer?

Chief Fun Officer.

Yours sounds made-up.

Also, I'm still centerfold coordinating,

which is a real job.

But I'm looking for my next gig here.

Just waiting for the stars to align.

Speaking of stars,

who do we have here?

Astrologer, cosmetologist,

and Beyond magazine's editor emeritus,

Mr. Carl Sagan.

Hello.

I'm almost none of those things.

Okay, bye, guys.

Bye, Annie.

Do you know where I could find Joyce Prigger?

You one of those people who can only write

in the midst of chaos?

Here you go.

This should have everything you need.

Yeah, I-I think I missed something.

Oh, I wrote out my answers in advance.

Right, but I didn't submit any questions.

I've done dozens of interviews,

and 95% of the questions are exactly the same.

Um, I'm so sorry. What was your name again?

Annie Leibovitz.

Right, okay, um, Ms. Leibovitz,

could you please not take my picture?

It's her job.

Well, I'm trying to do mine.

And you have caught me on a very busy day.

- "Where do you get your ideas?" - Mm-hmm.

"How do you find your models?

What does your boyfriend think about your job?"

On that last one, I push back firmly but gently.

I would never ask that question.

Well, you'd be the first.

Then why don't you let me be?

Talk to me about your book. That's a big advance.

Wh-what are you spending it on?

Uh, T-bills and a new condo.

Page three, halfway down.

And if you'll excuse me,

it looks like I'm needed in a meeting.

I'm getting a bounce.

That's dead skin.

Son of a bitch.

Pumice.

Hey, Turtleneck, pumice stone.

Technically not a stone.

It's a mineral slurry.

There's my handsome genius.

Hey, you want something to drink?

A Fanta? You wanna get high?

Richie's got some great grass.

Forty-five minute drive to Syracuse,

two connecting flights in coach,

all for an interview that doesn't seem to be happening.

Oh, it's happening. It is happening.

Believe me, believe me. When I told this reporter

you were here, he flipped his lid.

Betrayed none of that excitement

- in our brief encounter. - Oh, he's just nervous.

He is beyond excited.

Beyond.

Okay. I would like to get high.

Okay, good.

Why are there so many tumbleweeds?

I asked you earlier. You said more.

I meant metaphorically.

This is supposed to be a lone tumbleweed.

Well, you're not gonna like that.

- Oh, my God. - Babes...

Wait, wait. Can someone kill the fan?

- What? - The models are upset.

Good. The concept is Dudes in Distress.

No, they're model upset.

The only way I can transform into character

is to know who tied me up.

What's my moment before?

Plus, my cock's gonna look smaller if I'm further away.

Even though we all know it's not.

Okay, everyone take five.

And can someone give the talent some umbrellas, please?

Robert, Charlie.

I hear we're having model drama.

Brando over here is requesting special makeup.

He's convinced his character would be uncircumcised.

Well, he's not wrong from a historical perspective.

But, uh, that's not the problem here, right?

The setup is not working.

I know. Something's missing.

- I just don't know what it is. - It's not tumbleweeds.

Okay, I thought the "lone" was implied.

Right, yes.

How about this?

You move on to your secondary setups,

and then by the time we're ready for our centerfold,

I will have a fix.

Okay.

You know, I'm not one to comment on creative,

but this all seems a bit...

Off. Yes, I know.

- We're handling it. - Yeah.

I just don't want to lose sight of our audience.

I mean, Minx is a very successful women's magazine.

And this, two men together,

I feel like this puts a target on our back.

A target?

Well, there's a whisper campaign

that a good number of our readers are homosexuals.

Oh. Right, yeah.

But, I don't know, isn't it better if our work

is interesting to all kinds of different people?

I mean, in an ideal world, but we have advertisers

that are paying specifically to reach women.

Let's not give them a reason to question that.

I will take care of it.

I have complete confidence in you.

Doug wanted me to tell you he solved the problem

with the glow-in-the-dark mugs.

He doesn't need you.

The what?

Why am I just hearing about glow-in-the-dark mugs now?

And who drinks coffee in the dark?

No one, because it doesn't work.

Consider it dead. Here, go ahead with your day.

- What? - No, no, you're having a really

- busy day. - What are you doing?

- You just go do your thing. - Is that Carl Sa...

- No, no, no, no. - Doug!

Simon, can I talk to you for a second?

Come on in. Carl, hit the lights, please.

- I should probably... - I agree.

Black holes,

infinitely dense,

but exponentially fascinating.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

- Where's Simon? - He's in there with Doug.

I just got used as reporter bait.

You need to talk to him.

Oh, God, you too?

I have enough on my plate without Jann Wenner

calling me complaining.

We agreed to let Rolling Stone do

a feature about Bottom Dollar.

You've got to give them an angle.

The point of view of the woman at the center of it all.

You're right.

Point of view is everything.

Yeah, right, okay.

Um, I'll talk to Simon,

but in return, I'm gonna need some horses.

How many horses?

- Four. - One.

- Three? - One.

Fine, one, but no Clydesdales.

They're too cloppy.

I was gonna give you two.

- Is it too late to... - Yes.

Hello.

Richie.

You need to take better care of yourself.

Here.

OJ and speed.

I had an interesting chat

with one of our cowboys earlier.

Which one?

The one you slept with.

More specific?

Richie.

At the same time?

When all the doors finally open up for you,

it's kind of hard not to go through them.

Been there.

When Elvis pulled me

out of that audience in seventh grade,

it was the start of a fun few years.

Then I cleaned up my act, and look at him now.

Slurring his words in a sequined cape

on a sad Vegas stage.

I don't want that for you.

I know.

But we get invited

to all these amazing events every single night,

and I can't believe I get to be a part of it.

Linda Ronstadt is having

a private listening party tonight.

How can I skip that?

Linda's having a moment, and so are you.

But Linda is still putting out music,

and you can't get your butt through one photo shoot.

You know you need to lay low every once in a while.

Rein it in, buddy.

I had nothing to do with that.

That's right.

And when you look at them,

more powerful, please.

More anguish.

You squared the circle.

Well done.

It was missing a point of view.

Needed a way in for the audience.

She speaks.

Please, don't stop.

Maybe she's there to rescue them.

Maybe she's there to torment them.

All we know is that she has the power.

What'd you have to do to get a horse here in 30 minutes?

Talk to you.

Uh-huh.

- All right. - Not what I thought of

when you said supply closet.

Work here long enough, this becomes Wite-Out and staplers.

You know, you've been doing

an inelegant job of avoiding me.

I wasn't trying to hide it.

I'd think you'd be a little less squeamish

for all the press you've done.

Those were puff pieces, okay?

We both know that a shrewd journalist,

someone who, I don't know, say, interviewed Idi Amin,

can take any little detail about a powerful woman,

and then use it against her.

Okay, you know, I-I raise my voice,

"Abusive Bitch Claws Her Way to the Top."

I wear my heels too high,

"Conniving Slut Sleeps Her Way to the Middle."

Look, I get it.

We all want to control the narrative.

But you're leaving me to fill in the blanks.

Mm-hmm, and what is it that you think you see?

- Honestly? - Mm-hmm.

A woman gripping the wheel so tight

her fingers are about to snap off.

So what,

"Skittish Control Freak Refuses to Have Fun"?

Nah, Joyce, listen. I-I didn't come here

to write about Bottom Dollar or Minx.

I came here to write about you.

Because I think we're in the middle of a revolution,

and I thought you were at the center of it.

But you're just watching from the sidelines.

Okay, come on. We're journalists.

Observing is our job.

Yeah, and sometimes we can chase a story

only to realize there's nothing there.

Uh, I...

okay.

I'm so glad you finally

sat down with our friend, Simon.

I'm sure it went swimmingly.

Yes, very, very well.

Well, I know you were hesitant to do the interview,

but you did it because you understand

the value of visibility.

I was always more comfortable in the shadows.

It's safer there.

Well, the world does love to watch a strong woman fall.

Which is why it's so important that they watch you succeed.

Mm?

I'm proud of you for taking that risk.

I can't wait to read it.

Hey.

I just had an interesting conversation

with one of our Rolling Stone friends.

Which one?

The one you were rude to.

More specific.

Joyce.

At the same time?

What?

No, it... I...

look, when the world is knocking at your door,

it's very hard not to put up a wall... with spikes.

Okay, listen, I get it.

Okay? You're having a moment.

But there's more to this job

than just putting out a magazine.

You're like the front woman of a band,

if bands had front women.

You need to take

a night every once in a while

and just have a little fun, okay?

I know you're that person too.

Am I, though? Am I fun?

For a successful person with a big job,

I'd say that you're... pretty fun.

You know, we do get invited to a lot of cool stuff.

Now's your chance to show Simon that you're not just spikes.

It was touch and go at the start,

a-and then ol' Carl, he really turned on the charm.

Tins, by the end, it was like Simon was almost in tears.

A hostage situation with a happy ending.

Yeah, but that's not even the best part.

Carl was so happy that he called his buddies

over at NASA, a-and guess what?

Beyond is going to be

the official magazine of Skylab.

Look at you publishing the first magazine in space.

I'm gonna go to Houston tomorrow,

and I'm gonna seal the deal,

and I want you to come with me.

I want to turn it into

a Doug and Tina romantic weekend.

Houston in July? Sounds sweaty.

Think of this.

The air-conditioned suite. The pool.

And if you play your cards right,

I'll take you on a day trip to Galveston.

All right, I'll come...

if you finish the Minx calendars.

Bottom Dollar is going interstellar, Tins.

The calendars can wait.

They're literally the most time-sensitive product.

You are killing me with these calendars.

I don't care about the merch. I care about the magazines.

And I know they call me Mug Renetti behind my back

like I'm some sort of flea market peddler.

It hurts my feelings.

We all have parts of our jobs we don't like.

- Yeah. - Like reminding you

to do your work,

which is the job of a secretary,

if you kept one for longer than a week.

I would if one of 'em was half as good as you,

believe me, but I can't find a good one.

Hey, um, Doug, quick question.

I hope it's not about merchandise.

Um, it's about the fires in the parking lot.

- What? - Yeah, loose hay, smokers.

Do you make a Minx ashtray?

Glass or ceramic?

We're all friends here.

Some might say the closest of friends.

So I have to ask,

which one of you had sex with my husband in our house?

No, I mean last month.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

What did we say about loose-fitting jewelry, hmm?

Come on, guys, French clasps and studs only.

We still have a toddler who will put anything in her mouth.

Sounds like Henrietta.

Sorry, Shelly.

Oh, I mean Mistress Bella.

I'll forgive it this time.

Tonight, Bella LaRouche has chosen a theme.

Sadie Hawkins.

Ladies choose their partners.

Eeny...

meeny...

miny...

miny...

mine.

Ugh, stop pouring that swill immediately.

A gift from Charles de Gaulle to me,

and now from me to you.

I'll save my "Jacques Daniels" for another day.

You know, I think you liked me more when I was here less.

I feel that way about everyone.

Mm.

If I overstepped this morning,

I apologize.

On the bright side, you're the proud owner

of 263 lightly used tumbleweeds.

You know, you're the only one that Joyce and Doug listen to.

And if powerful people listen only to you,

that means you're the one with all the power.

It only works if no one notices.

Hmm. Well, how about you let me in

on a few more secrets?

I've been looking into Minx's revenue projection

for the next 24 months.

What are your comps?

Nothing.

Nothing?

I had to create my own.

These are sales for every BDP title.

Kung Fu Cuties.

Feet! Feet! Feet!

Yank My Doodle.

Oh, vulgar and patriotic.

All high floor, low ceiling.

Dependable, but marginal profit.

Minx is different.

If there's a ceiling, I don't know where it is.

That's the first time I've seen you smile all day.

Huge margins have that effect on me.

We're gonna get along just fine.

I haven't spent enough time in the desert.

You are making a compelling case.

You gotta come next time.

There's always room on the bus.

- We're on soon. - Okay.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, come on. How can you live in LA

and not know Jackson Browne?

Sure, sure.

That was Glenn Frey.

Of the Eagles.

Joyce, I'm a reporter for Rolling Stone.

I know every person in this place.

Okay, if you're trying to prove something,

you picked the wrong place to do it.

Joyce Prigger, as I live and breathe.

Well, hello, Linda Ronstadt.

- Richie sends his regard. - Mwah.

You and Simon Michaels.

Don't tell this man anything.

Don't worry, she hasn't.

We've been having a raging debate on the pay gap in music.

Sonny and Cher are in a bad place.

We need your help.

- I got you, babe. - Okay.

You get it? You get that?

I'm so glad we finally got you out to one of these things.

Me too, Linda.

And as the black hole pulls your body apart,

galaxies form and explode before you over the span

of tens of thousands of years.

Well, that is the fifth time I've heard that today,

and, uh...

I still don't get it.

Oh, you're so much more fun to get high with

than that drip, Arthur Miller.

Oh, that's my cue.

Burbank airport awaits.

Well, guess who's flying first class?

She sprung for it, all three legs.

That's nice.

Fly safe, my dear.

Huh? Huh?

He is a treasure.

He's ours too. We've got him.

Mm-hmm.

If you like that, I got another magazine idea

that's gonna knock your socks off.

- Okay. - It's about the working rich.

I wanna call it Jetset.

That's very niche.

No, I say targeted.

I think it's time that we start streamlining operations,

cut loose some of the underperformers.

Yeah, I agree.

What, uh... which ones are you thinking?

- Kung Fu Cuties. - Kung Fu Cuties.

And Feet! Feet! Feet!

- Really? - Yeah.

Well, that one stings, I'm gonna be honest.

This one's gonna sting the most, then.

I've decided to not move forward with Beyond.

Yeah.

You're kidding me.

No.

But you just sent Carl first class.

You just sent Carl first class.

The ceiling for science is just not high,

and it's a misuse of our most valuable resource.

Which would be what?

You.

Your merchandise has made more money for this company

in the last six months than anything in its entire history.

I could just do so much more, I promise you.

No, but I need you to come up with more ideas,

your big Renetti ideas,

for Minx.

- All right? - Yeah, okay.

Carl Sagan is not the only genius

that I got high with tonight.

You know, they're calling you Mug Renetti around the office.

You're goddamn right, they are.

I could never date a civilian.

But I really shouldn't date musicians either.

So you have to find someone that's close enough

to what you do that they get it...

- Mm-hmm. - But far enough away

that they're cool riding in the passenger seat.

So I could date a musician.

Only if you want herpes.

Oh, my God.

Linda, you're on, babe.

- That's me. - Okay.

Oh, hi. Me? Um...

Yes.

Oh, fuck.

That's like night coffee.

All right.

I am gonna play a few songs

off the new album tonight.

But I thought first,

we could warm things up with a little jam.

So, Graham, get up here.

Uh, JD, where is my baby?

And... oh, Judee Sill, I know you're mad at me,

but I need you on guitar.

And I need a volunteer for shakers.

Me!

- Get up here, Joyce Prigger. - Okay.

Are you guys ready?

First chair French horn.

♪ I've been cheated ♪

♪ Been mistreated ♪

♪ When will I be loved? ♪

Don't finish yet.

Hold it. Hold it.

Wallace. Look at me.

Not in the eyes.

I said look away, you little shit.

Hey, Doug.

Um, I took some initiative

and finished the Minx calendars for you.

Oh, that's unexpected, Bambs.

It's pretty complicated work

to do all that stuff, but, uh...

- You did this? - Yeah.

- It's great. - Thank you.

You kept the pictures big,

and you even got Joyce's boring quotes in there, Bambs.

Yeah, well, the image is the real draw,

so I put the quotes in complimentary colors

so they fade into the background.

It's excellent.

I would like you to consider it

my application to be your secretary.

If I'm gonna be Bottom Dollar CFO for real someday,

I need to apprentice with the smartest man I know.

And that's you.

And Colonel Tom Parker, but he's busy.

Think about it.

I'm really giving it to her in there.

Hey, Wallace is crying...

in a good way.

♪ When I find a new man ♪

♪ That I want for mine ♪

♪ He always breaks my heart in two ♪

♪ It happens every time ♪

♪ Oh, I've been cheated ♪

♪ Been mistreated... ♪

Great party tonight, hon.

Mm.

Don't stay up too late.

Len, I was, um,

thinking about going back to Minx.

Oh. It's about time.

♪ Tell me, when will I ♪

♪ Be ♪

♪ Loved? ♪

You know, you looked dangerously close

to having a good time tonight.

Yeah, I think that was the cocaine.

Hey, I'm sorry for torturing you today.

I've actually been tortured.

Today was fun.

I met Carl Sagan.

It's just...

Look, a lot of the people that you've profiled

have then taken a fall.

You mean the ones with death camps.

Yeah, and others.

I see.

I've gotten everything I've ever wanted,

and it's happened so fast, and...

And now you're thinking, what if you just got lucky?

Like, what if I screw it up?

And then it's just all just gone again.

What then?

I mean, it's possible.

But I have been testing another theory.

Yeah?

Watching you,

reading your magazines,

talking to just about everyone who knows you...

... have you ever considered that maybe

you are exactly where you belong?

It's okay to like it.

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