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Anyone who knows me will tell you

- I'm an affectionate guy. - Stop it. Stop it. Stop.

I love my wife. I say it all the time.

And sure,

sometimes she's not in the mood, but...

I warm her up.

Believe me,

she's happy once we get going.

I do my part.

- Okay. - Hey!

All I'm asking is that she does hers.

- Oh. - Friday.

- Not today, honey. - Hey.

It's right there in the wedding vows...

- No. - Hey.

Love, honor, and obey.

I said I want 'em spicy.

How hard is it to give me what I want?

Sorry, sweetheart. I know you like it hot.

- Hey. - Yeah?

That's what I'm talking about.

- Oh, yeah. - Mm.

- Fuck yeah. - Mm.

Oh, damn, babe.

Yup. Yup.

Oh.

Aah! Oh!

God, it burns!

Ow! God!

Hi. Hello.

Am I... yeah, I am here.

Oh. Oh, my God.

Okay, let it out.

Wow.

How long has this been going on?

You know what? Yeah, no. You know what?

That's really none of my business at all.

Unless blink twice if you need help.

Oh, well, well, well.

Look who's back from the Big Apple.

Yeah, I don't know why you're saying that so triumphantly.

I live here.

Come on in. I'm making flapjacks.

No. That... nope.

I'll just talk to you right here.

Oh, once you get a taste of these fluffies,

you'll be singing a different tune.

So you're okay with the bird?

It's not my favorite affectation.

Whatever you came here to say, we're good.

People fight. Emotions run high.

I gotta give you credit.

It takes a lot to come here, you know, hat in hand.

No, I'm not here to apologize.

I saw the pictures of Billy.

You cannot publish those, and you know it.

They are a betrayal

of everything we've been building together.

Look, if you wanted a say in that shoot,

then you should have been here for it.

Doug, no woman in her right mind

is gonna sign off on those.

Well, why don't we ask your new managing editor,

see what she thinks?

- Tins? - Doug.

What?

Look, I would've consulted with you, but you quit.

You remember?

Wow. Congratulations.

You already found a replacement for me as well.

Doug, you cannot do that.

Oh, yeah, we can.

Busy Sunday at Casa Renetti.

Let's see who it is.

It's okay.

Happy for you.

Deal's not final yet.

Ah, son of a bitch. We're on the hook for this how?

You two, along with the entity known as "Minx" magazine,

are being sued by plaintiff William Wilkerson,

who claims that your article about marital rape

incited his formerly sane and loving wife

into maiming his penis with a substance measuring

over 1 million Scoville Units,

resulting in damage to the foreskin

and audacious blistering of the shaft.

"Audacious blistering of the shaft," that's good.

And they say there's nothing new under the sun.

Fitting end to your circus:

us being shot out of a cannon.

Gotta admit, A-plus publicity stunt.

Good old Willy turning lemons into lemonade

or hot peppers into...

Salsa or potentially jelly.

Okay, hello.

I see you're taking this as seriously as he is.

Bubbe, in this business, if you don't laugh,

you don't last very long.

Yeah, Myron and I have been dealing with this crap

since it was a crime to show your kneecaps, right?

Offer a little settlement,

make this go away, and everybody is happy.

No, no, no, no, no. We go big. We countersue.

- Dougele. - What? Absolutely not.

You cannot pay for this kind of publicity. This is a gift.

Oh, yeah, like the Trojan horse was a gift.

Why am I even named in this suit anyway? He's the publisher.

I'm just... I was just a powerless employee.

I don't have any editorial control.

According to this,

you're the creator of "The Matriarchy Awakens,"

the original iteration of this magazine

and the offending article herein.

Yeah, but I don't even recognize

my own magazine anymore.

Well, the law doesn't see it that way,

and you're liable by virtue of your proprietary rights.

You know my lawyer asked me

not to discuss my case on the air.

And I see you heeding this advice.

Yeah, I'm sorry,

but women like Joyce Prigger,

magazines like "Minx,"

they need to know that the free ride is over.

Oh, yeah, I'm using the power of the law,

but in my other hand, I hold something more powerful:

- people. - Not just people. Men Energized Now.

We are calling on all M.E.N. to get out there

and make things uncomfortable for Prigger and Bottom Dollar,

AKA public enemies number one and two.

I think it's really clever

how the name of the organization is M.E.N.

but it also spells "men."

Men are smart.

Are you talking about the organization

- or men in general? - Both.

Oh, my God.

Proprietary rights?

So you own part of "Minx"?

Yeah, according to Doug's lawyer

and one very snooty clerk at the UCLA Law Library.

Please tell me you're not trying to...

Exercise my rights? You bet I am.

You don't wanna go to war.

You've only seen Doug's nice side.

- That's his nice side? - Mm-hmm.

Ask Fred Salzburg,

the paper vendor who double-billed Doug for years.

Why? What happened to Fred?

No one knows, but it's no longer called

Salzburg & Sons.

Okay, well, I'm very sorry for the Salzburg family,

but "Minx" is our baby.

- Mm. - We can't just walk away.

- Don't say "we." - But he's murdering our child.

Yeah, well, my paternal instincts haven't kicked in just yet.

- Try something else. - Fine.

I can't do this without you.

And I don't wanna do it without you, Richie.

You make the magazine better in every way,

and I know that you know this,

and I know that you care about it as much as I do.

Come on, Richie. This is our time.

"Minx" is our baby. We can't...

I'm in. Let's go tell Doug.

Oh, great. All right.

- Don't you need shoes? - The Earth is my shoe.

Go. Go.

Okay, okay.

Oh! Shit.

We have rights too.

- Men rights. - Come on.

Norman, what are you doing?

Men are finally fighting back.

Oh, yeah, you're blaming us for Willy's wife?

She's a nut job, Norm. Look at who she married.

You're siding with her now? Come on.

What happened to you, man?

I'm not siding with anyone.

Can you just move so I can get in my spot?

All right.

Oh, that's nice.

Norman made some friends.

A woman is sexually assaulted

every 20 seconds in this country.

One guy gets a boo-boo on his wiener,

and it's the end of the fucking world.

Joyce, is that your first swear?

Yeah, could you tell?

- How was it? - It was great.

- Was it... - It was great.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Natural.

I've never marched in someplace and just quit before.

I have. There was bloodshed.

Oh, something tells me

this isn't an apology walking in my door.

No, sir, it is not.

Until issues of ownership have been resolved,

please immediately cease and desist publication

of the third issue of "Minx."

Handwritten.

For that personal touch?

My Selectric was out of ink.

And what are you two knuckleheads doing?

They are with me.

Well, thank you for informing me of your intentions, Joyce.

What do we do? What do we do?

Let's go. Thank you.

Well, if you touched all the bases,

in my book, that's a home run.

You tell Roger Middleton that it doesn't matter

if it was a ground ball and three errors.

It still counts. God, he's just like his mom.

Oh, I wish I could have seen it.

No, it's okay. Go. Yeah, go.

We'll talk more when I'm back from my...

my trip.

Okay, love you.

Oh, my two favorite people.

Take the Leica.

You're the only one who really appreciates it.

Thanks, Doug.

- Already did. - Oh, good. You know me.

I like to take care of my people even if they move on.

Sorry, let me say that again.

Even if they stab me in the back and then move on.

I saw that Billy centerfold.

You stabbed yourself.

But you wanna throw away years of our relationship

over a couple of bad days?

And do you really think Joyce has what it takes

to do all this on her own?

I don't know, Doug.

If it wasn't for "Minx," you'd have me

plucking stray pubes for the next decade.

Right, 'cause if you think about it,

I had the idea for you to shoot for "Minx"

before she ever walked through those office doors.

So, what, you're making moves now?

You're a hustler?

Then let me give you a little advice.

I recommend you stay here in the big leagues

as opposed to shipping off to Palookaville with her.

Well, if you really want me,

I suggest you make me an offer I can't refuse.

Some initial suggestions.

Two editorial assistants.

Good. Taught you something.

- And I know I taught you everything. - I hate conflict.

My stomach feels like the butter churn at Spahn Ranch.

Yeah, and who got you out of that mess?

What, you think you're gonna call Joyce

and she's gonna smuggle you out

in the trunk of her car at 2:00 a.m.?

- I don't know, maybe. - She's gonna be asleep

with a glass of milk, out cold.

I'll take a look at these, hotshot.

Did you find that address?

You sure about this?

Of course not.

You're really tempting me,

but I do have to keep my girlish figure.

I'm back on the market, in case you hadn't heard.

Well, any man would be lucky to date a fox like you, Wanda.

Oh, well.

My dance card's not exactly full these days.

I'm told that men find me intimidating.

Yeah, well, I understand that.

I think that's because you're taking a beating in the press,

and I can help turn that around for you.

You know, Willy has a big platform

and an even bigger mouth, which I think you know.

Yeah.

But I think you also deserve to be heard.

And I've got a venue that is built to champion women.

I've never really thought of myself as a public figure.

Betsy Ross was just sewing her husband's pants

when she invented the American flag.

Did you know that?

Was Rosa Parks even an activist

before she refused to get off that bus?

You mean refused to change seats?

Joyce Prigger?

May I?

Of course. Yes, come in.

- Thank you. - It's Joyce Prigger.

- Wow. - Hello, Wanda.

- Hello. Welcome. - Hello.

What are you doing, tailing me now, Joyce?

Nope, just followed the smell of manipulation.

- Great. - Wanda?

- Hmm? - Do not trust this man with your story.

He does not care about you

or me or anyone, really.

Oh, are you two an item?

- Ew. God, no. - Oh, no.

I'm just getting some jilted lover vibes.

He did break my heart but as a business partner.

I promised you a magazine

when no one else in the world would.

Only to turn around and then hand it over

to that charlatan, Wendy Mah.

Oh, I love Aphrodisia.

Who told you about Wendy?

I have friends at Bottom Dollar.

Can you say the same thing?

I am Bottom Dollar.

And I am "Minx."

And I will save both my magazine

and this poor woman from your predatory ways.

I don't think I need saving.

No, because you are a strong, independent person.

Okay, I...

Don't let him perpetuate

this disgusting lie that's already out there.

My article obviously did not inspire your act of revenge.

Oh, it did, actually.

Well, come on, Wanda. That's...

Listen, Willy never forced me,

not like the women that you wrote about.

But I mean, you show me a wife who's never had sex

when she's not in the mood, and I'll show you a liar

or at the very least, a woman who's still on her honeymoon.

So it did... the article, it got me thinking.

But I didn't suggest turning to violence.

well, I didn't know that it was gonna do that much damage.

I thought it would just,

you know, burn a little bit and be funny.

And it was very funny.

Not to take away from any of your suffering,

but the jalapeño hand job was very...

- We're talking here. - No, we were actually talking.

We're talking. You're making it worse.

- Do you understand... - Can I finish?

- Sorry. - Please.

I just got sick of being told what to do

and who to be in my own home.

Some people just want to use you

for their own stupid desires

or selfish aims or petty squabbles.

They don't even bother seeing you as a human being.

I don't know what's going on between the two of you,

but I don't want any part of it.

I'm gonna tell my own story.

Well, thank you for your time.

- You have a great day, Wanda. - Thank you.

- Happy? - Oh, my God.

Welcome back to day five of the M.E.N. offensive.

Now, we've struck a nerve, folks.

Ratings are through the roof.

Contracts are being renegotiated.

I'm getting an in-ground pool,

and you can't come use it, Ma.

Now, in addition to Willy's legal action,

we'll be providing resources

to men who can't file lawsuits of their own.

That's called an escalation of conflict, my friends.

And guess what.

The ladies want a piece of the action, too,

and we have the most impressive lady of all

here with us today.

The first female councilman in Southern California

and a total babe to boot.

The pride of the San Fernando Valley,

Bridget Westbury.

Well, it's a pleasure to be here.

What happened to your... person

is a travesty, and we all know who's responsible.

I blame "Maude," "Mary Tyler Moore,"

and to a lesser extent, "That Girl."

Mm, enemies all.

But we're taking the fight to them.

People vote all the time to ban nuclear power plants

and strip mines,

and those industries make our economy strong.

Pornography like "Minx" enfeebles our community.

That's why on Monday, I'm proposing a resolution

to ban the production of pornographic materials

in the San Fernando Valley.

Bold move.

Let me say, as someone who does not

find pornography appealing...

Let's leave the filth

to the dirty Europeans.

Californians have always been pioneers,

and I am proud to lead the wagon

into my valley... cleaner and nicer.

I can almost smell it.

- Where is everybody? - I sent them home.

Good, it's weird vibes out there.

I saw a guy piss on himself and not seem to mind.

- Oh. - What about the cops?

I called, but it's a peaceful protest of white men,

a famously calm, reasonable people.

Okay. All right, we gotta get them out of there.

- I have an idea. - Yeah? Do that.

13 more lawsuits in two days, and word on the street:

dozens more on the way.

You are in it now, my friends.

They're outlandish.

I mean, surely no reputable lawyer will...

What, wanna create an exciting new legal precedent

and be in textbooks forever?

Doll, my kind lives for this shit.

This porn ban, is it real?

Well, Westbury is an opportunistic SOB

or DOB or whatever.

Nixon's about to be reelected.

News flash: the '60s are over.

Well, I think this will help us take care

of the councilwoman, so...

Huh? Okay.

Oh, that's fascinating.

That's great.

You've got dirt on the councilwoman?

Yeah, I was saving it for a rainy day.

The hypocrisy is staggering.

I mean, taking the high road...

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

It's a felony to blackmail a government employee

and disbarment for me to even know about it.

What kind of shmendrik hands this to his lawyer?

All right, Myron, come on. There's always a move.

Yeah, there is. Fold "Minx."

Don't even think about publishing the third issue.

The news cycle moves on. Lawsuits fade away.

They're just trying to jam you up, Dougie,

but don't take the bait.

You still have your company,

and you can hold on to your other titles.

And you, you can use the notoriety

to start something new.

Okay, look, the bright side?

From what I've seen of the two of you,

not all partnerships are meant to last.

Maybe it's a good thing

that you two don't have to work together anymore.

What do we want?

For men to be safe from women!

- And when do we want it? - Yesterday!

- Tame the "Minx"! - Tame the "Minx"!

Tame the "Minx"! Tame the "Minx"!

We're gonna get out of it, and you're gonna help us.

All right, all right. Anything I can do...

- I know. - You just call me.

- You've always been... - All right.

- Let me talk to those guys. - This is your idea?

- You got something better? - I can get them to leave.

No, you can't. They're lunatics.

That's what I've been saying,

but someone's being very reckless these days.

Okay, well, I'll come with you.

No.

I am a vessel of power.

All of these men fantasize about me,

and when I speak,

they will obey my every command.

That was for my audition for Cleopatra.

I didn't get it.

Try pulling, Bam.

We're doing this?

It might work.

Jimbo, Norman.

Stinky Pete, they let you out early.

- Yeah. - We love you, Bambi.

- I love you too. - Oh, yeah.

Boys...

the world is changing.

I know a lot of people don't look or think

the way they used to and that can be scary,

but we're strong.

We have big hearts, and together

we can face this world,

and it's gonna be okay.

Yeah.

There's no need for anger here.

"Minx" isn't your enemy.

It's a special place that's opened my eyes to so many new things.

Here, my ideas matter, and I have a voice.

Me, Luann Pryzbylko from Reseda by way of Kuala Lumpur.

And it's high time I shared some news with you,

because you're not just my fans.

You're my family.

Like the trumpeter swan,

she's shed her juvenile feathers

and reemerged in a blinding white blaze of beauty.

I need to get the fuck out of here.

I made a mistake.

I thought sharing my truth was the surest way to their hearts,

so I told them I officially retired from nude modeling.

Aw, officially?

Oh, Jesus, God.

Yeah, they think you brainwashed me,

and they're very angry.

Oh, they've breached the perimeter.

Okay, fall back.

- Fall back! - To where?

- What? - The layout room.

We'll be pinned down, but it provides the best cover.

- How do you know that? - Military family.

Come on. Are we really doing this?

Let's get that window boarded up.

Okay, I'm moving the couch. Excuse me.

Joyce, mailbags.

Yeah.

Are we really hiding from these jelly doughnuts?

That's what we're doing right now?

Bottom Dollar attacked by its own fans.

Sounds like an A-plus publicity stunt to me.

Who knew virgins could be so mean?

Get away from the window, Bambi.

They're looking for you.

Tina, kill the lights.

Your Majesty...

time to call a minion.

Things have gotten out of hand down at Bottom Dollar.

We should send a couple black-and-whites.

Or wait and see how the situation unfolds.

Don't wanna be too hasty.

Cops aren't coming.

Westbury's hanging us out to dry on this.

Settle in.

Well, I guess I'll die right here

next to my greatest humiliation.

Perfect end to a perfect chapter.

Oh, nobody's gonna die.

They're just blowing off some steam, that's all.

Oh, there must be someone we can call.

What about those goons this one trotted out for Billy Brunson?

Oh, what, you wanna turn this into a bloodbath?

Better their blood than ours.

What happened to the Joyce who had an aneurysm

when she found out the Mob was delivering her magazine?

You happened to me.

Hey, this one's locked.

Norman found Renetti's office.

Come on.

Whoa. All right, come on!

If those animals get into my cameras,

I swear I'll fight them myself.

All right, listen, don't worry about the gear.

When this is all over,

I'll buy anything you want, okay?

Why would you buy new equipment for my photographer?

I can buy anything I want for my new art director.

Right, pal?

Yeah, I appreciate your interest,

but no, thank you.

Oh, I see. So all that was game to you?

No, it's not a game, Doug.

It's just a small taste of what it's like

to be pushed around by a bully.

But thank you for your master class in negotiation.

Aww!

These reader letters.

People love us.

Well, not you.

Well, everything I did, I did for Bottom Dollar.

Look at that.

He put me front and center.

It's your time to shine.

"Your magazine made me feel good

about wanting what I want and angry at people

trying to stop me from getting it.

"'Minx' is a refuge for every woman

who thinks she's alone in this wicked, wonderful world."

Each one of these is a person reaching out because of us.

This kid is asking if we have any internships.

He's 16 years old.

Ah, he keeps the centerfold under his mattress.

Ooh, we gotta get this boy the hell out of Mississippi.

My, God, this woman is inviting us to her wedding.

This is just a recipe for a Tuscan bread salad.

Oh, there it is.

Someone named their baby Joyce.

Oh. Oh, my God.

There's a soda can as a reference point.

Oh, she took her husband back...

to the asylum.

What is that smell?

- Oh, my God. - All right, that's it.

This fucking ends now. Let's call the Russians.

- Already did. - Thank you.

- Yeah. - What would I do without you?

King of the valley found his way to Pasadena.

Well, I don't hate a road trip.

I even went to the Rose Bowl. I took a picture.

You see "Betsy"?

Wendy really did a number on us, huh?

Yeah, I got off easy with "pretentious" and "solipsistic."

You are "a greasy P.T. Barnum with a dash of Judas Iscariot."

Maybe I misjudged her as a writer.

She had good reason to be pissed.

We had a deal, and I pulled the plug at the last minute.

Her taste too rich for your blood?

No, it wasn't about the money.

I just didn't think she was the right fit for "Minx."

Why? Seems like a match made in heaven.

Because she's not you.

Look, what you made, it means something to people,

and I didn't know what to do with that.

And so I turned it into something pretty ugly,

and I got...

I got pretty ugly along the way, too, so...

That is very big of you to admit.

And I know that we're sailing against the wind on this one,

and I'm responsible for that, but I can fix this.

We can fix this together as partners this time

and fuck everybody who's trying to stop us.

You know, I got a call last week

from a literally agent just out of the blue

telling me about all the opportunities out there

and that it's just a matter of me

deciding what I wanna do next.

Oh, good. You've earned that.

Yeah, but...

attached to each one of those opportunities

is another Doug Renetti,

someone who wants something from me,

something that they could never do on their own

but still insists on holding all the power.

I'm not sure I'm interested in giving away my power anymore.

So that's it? You're gonna go at it alone?

Maybe.

Two issues and you're ready to be a publisher?

I mean, the stones on you.

I'll tell you what.

"Minx" is yours.

Yeah, I don't wanna do it without you, so take it.

Go to all the places you wanna go with it.

I can't wait to see what you do.

Doug.

Thank you.

Good luck.

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