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You drive me to madness.

Then let madness be your medicine.

Oh, oh!

Damn it. I'll get the sewing kit.

Ooh.

- Your holiness!
- The lady's mine.

The lady has a name. It's Shelly.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

Yes.

Oh, don't spit on your brother!

Your stallion, my queen.

Tonight, I'll be riding a young colt.

Okay, okay.

Did it work?

Uh...

Maybe I should just ask your sister.

You know I'm not
talking to her right now.

Or I could ask "Willy and Franco,"

since the entire drive-time audience

knows more about my sex life than I do.

Dr. Lambert,

I've got the most awful ache,

only it's not in my tooth.

I'm a dentist, Mrs. Lambert.

Sounds like you need a specialist.

So what's on the agenda for today?

Oh, well, I still haven't seen

the "Hand-painted Textiles by
Norwegian Children" exhibit at The Met.

Oh, it's a dream.

And next week there's a production

of "Mourning Becomes Electra"

at the new Circle in the Square.

- Oh, God, I miss live theater.
- We can see it all.

There's no rush. LA
will always be there.

Yeah, glaring at me until
it cracks into the sea.

Brandt, we still have Joyce.

Good girl.

Give yourself time to recover. Top off?

- Don't mind if I do.
- All right.

That is distilled.

Taste the difference.

Thank you.

Do you want to swing by the office,

- meet me for lunch?
- Oh, God.

No, I have to run through
the Cavett débâcle

a couple hundred more times, you know?

Joyce.

Maggie, I can't show my face at "Betsy."

Oh, honey, don't be intimidated.

It's just another magazine.

I don't know. I only
packed a couple of outfits.

- They're both pretty ripe.
- You have my entire closet.

- We gotta go, sunshine.
- Okay.

A gentle reminder, the fashion industry

is the world's second-largest
industrial polluter.

- Please, save me.
- Okay, fine.

Okay, I'll see you there. Okay.

- I love you.
- You too.

Okay. Okay, I'm going, I'm going.

- Bye, bye.
- Bye!

- Bye.
- Mike got us a reservation

at Tavern on the Green,
do you want to go?

Okay, genuine Big Apple treasure.

- Fun.
- Right? Tons of fun.

I mean, you can get these in LA,

but when it's your hometown, why bother.

Sometimes, it takes being a tourist,

you know, to treat yourself.

Take one. Take... take them all.

- They're for you guys.
- Where's Joyce?

Joyce is just taking some time

- to figure some things out.
- Yeah.

She's not coming back, is she?

It was her decision.

She's a woman with her own
mind and I respect that.

That said, she's probably
at the airport right now

on her way back, but either way, guys,

we got a magazine to put to bed.

How are we going to
do that without Joyce?

Oh, I don't know,

how did we do magazines before her?

I seem to remember publishing
a few million without her.

And she gave us a binder with all
of the content for issue three,

so we just have to shoot the centerfold.

Right.

- "The Cow."
- "The Goat."

Please show a little bit of respect.

He's a two-time Super Bowl MVP, Rich.

Okay. And I'm going to bring
on some security for the shoot,

so he knows he's taken care of.

And he wants to pose
with a topless model.

So could you find one?

What? He want...

O-okay. Given what we were planning,

she'd have to be a strong Mrs. Claus

or, I don't know, an elf
fighting for reindeer rights?

We could cover her butt with tinsel.

Great.

So this woman would be
there as an ornament?

An ornament's fun, but not one of those,

like, big round ones.

Right? We want like a sexy one,

like an angel or like a
sexy candy cane, right?

Doug, this just doesn't
feel like "Minx."

Okay, then you don't have to be

the centerfold
coordinator for this shoot.

You don't have to go
now. Just skip the shoot.

It's fine. I know when I'm not wanted.

- Bambi.
- Guys, if she wants to go, let her go.

Her job didn't exist six months ago.

She'll be fine. Okay?

What we need to talk
about is production design.

I got a guy in Azusa
who can get us a sleigh.

What do you got? Let's work.

Maggie'll be out in a second.

Okay. Thank you.

- Joyce!
- Hi.

So before we go, I
want you to meet Elayne.

Oh, God. Now? No...

Come on. It'll be a second.

Oh.

Elayne? I have Joyce Prigger.

Hello. It is real...

I could just ring that
smug Dick Cavett's neck

for what he put you through!

And Victoria should know better too.

But then again, she cheats at Scrabble,

so I'm not surprised.

Oh, God, it's fine.

You know, it's just national television.

I told Elayne all about you.

Yes. You've had quite a ride.

Oh, my God. Where did that come from?

I kept your debut issue.
Elayne wanted to see it.

Oh, my God, Maggie.
That is so amateurish.

I... I found it raw, but powerful.

Thank you. That means...
that means a lot.

You know, "Minx" is
a long way from this.

Well, the unholy marriage
of art and commerce.

I'm sure you can relate.

Mm, we're in a bit of
a privileged position

- here at "Betsy."
- Mm-hmm.

Shiny new prestige publication...

a loss leader for Fairchild.

They don't expect us to make a profit.

They just love the good write-ups.

What about advertising?

Oh, we do book the occasional ad

for a mission-driven nonprofit,

but we don't need it to pay the rent.

Wow.

Joyce, we would love to invite you in.

Write a piece for us. You
have a fascinating story.

That is such a good idea.

She's amazing, isn't she?

Okay, do you want a quick tour?

- Yes.
- All right.

So our editorial
department lives in here.

Our department's out there, layouts, hi.

Oh, my favorite... my favorite
is this little research nook.

Oh, wow.

God, the temperature, it's so cozy.

Always set to 74.

And if you get a chill, shahtooshes,

made from the wool of
Tibetan chiru antelopes.

Oh, wow.

So I invited some of the
ladies to join us for lunch,

but if you want it to just be us...

- No, the more the merrier.
- All right, shall we?

Let's... okay, this way.

- Where were we?
- Terms.

Well, I couldn't possibly consider

without a full editorial staff.

Sounds fair to me.

First-class travel.

Domestic.

And international.

If I'm not in Milan for Fashion Week,

"Minx" will never be
relevant in the style space.

And Halston would love you, by the way.

Oh, everybody loves me.

I like your spunk but you're
not my only date to the dance.

Yes, I'm sure you have Helen
Gurley Brown in your Rolodex.

Oh, I do.

I'm serious.

Listen, you know how hot "Minx" is

or you wouldn't have taken this meeting.

I'm about to have the number
one adult mag in the country

and we both know you
want to be a part of that.

So I'll consider your
terms, but as of now,

Milano's on your dime.

Chocolate tart? Key lime pie?

Just the check.

And that 21-year single malt.

Coming up.

I didn't know where else to go.

There's nothing left for
me to do at Bottom Dollar.

I'm so sorry, Bambi. I
don't know where Joyce is.

She's on my shit list, in fact.

I get that you're mad,
but isn't it kind of good,

what happened with you and Lenny?

I mean, now that he knows he
can't take you to the moon,

at least you can get somewhere.

What? Like divorce court?

I tried to apologize,

but we can't seem to get back on track.

You just need to re-notch your groove.

How do you feel about
getting naked in the desert?

- No.
- Okay, so mescaline's out.

Yeah. Riunite's as crazy as we get.

You can get crazier than that.

What about something sexy?

- I don't do sexy.
- Shelly.

You have the hair of a starlet

and the hips of a Greek goddess.

I've seen those statues. Okay?

They're kind of doughy.

Dough gets pounded.

- You offered her how much?
- Don't worry about that.

Plus she's gonna be worth
ten times that if she delivers

on half the stuff she promised.

I mean, with her connections...

But what salary did you offer her?

We're talking about film.
We're talking about fashion.

We're talking about beauty.

I mean, we could
sponsor a jazz festival.

Hobnobbin' with Herbie Hancock.

Don't tell me you
wouldn't want that, Tins.

Don't tease me with Herbie.

Bye-bye, new building.

Oh, no, no. Hello, new empire.

I mean, how many opportunities in life

do you get to catch the big wave?

This is the big one.

Okay, Joyce has been
gone, what, five days?

Can we slow down? These
are huge decisions.

No way, not a chance.

This is the time to make a big move.

Voilà. Spaghetti Renetti.

- This is Spaghetti Alfredo.
- Excuse me?

Did Alfredo tell you to say that?

He might've mentioned something.

That is my spaghetti.
Alfredo is out of line.

Hey, you say it. You say it.

Alfredo, you're out of line.

Thank you. I needed to hear it.

Mm.

Hey, I want you to be the
managing editor of "Minx", Tins.

Look, Wendy's a big
name. She's got big ideas.

But day-to-day production spending,

you're the only person
I trust and you know it.

You're giving me this job now.

Yes, I am.

So Alex is a restaurant critic.

I can't believe we're
serving him dinner.

Why don't I just kill myself?

Georgina, you met earlier at "Betsy."

She's an assistant editor
and her dad runs Unilever.

Oh.

And Eric works for Mayor Lindsay.

He's responsible for everything
good Lindsay's ever done.

And, uh, he's single.

- Oh, really.
- Mm-hmm.

Only thing to know is that
he says, um, "busimess."

It's not a big deal.

Are you saying he says "busimess"

- instead of "business?"
- Mm-hmm.

Well, has anybody told him?

- No.
- Tonight's the night.

No, Joyce, you can't tell him.

- I'm gonna tell him.
- No, you...

Why can't you move back to New York?

I miss you.

Oh, God. Don't tempt me.

These farmers are so short-sighted.

They can't see five
minutes into the future.

- Right.
- I agree.

Maybe if the government hadn't shoved it

down their throats after the war,

we wouldn't have this
problem to begin with.

No, no, no, if DDT is going
to save the family farm,

then who are we to judge?

The people who are
going to die of cancer.

Yeah, and watch as the ecosystems fail

because all the birds have gone extinct.

As long as we still have Cornish hens.

Right, except for those. Yes.

They're delicious, love.

Oh, well, Citarella never disappoints.

Oh, my God. I've missed this.

I cannot remember the last time

I had a scintillating conversation

about a lethal pesticide.

- Oh, no, tragedy. That's
the last of the ice.

Oh, boo.

- Brandt...
- Just stick to the wine.

It's delicious.

You love it. It's great.

Says the man with ice in his whiskey.

I'm humiliated. I am so sorry.

You should be.

Okay.

All right. Okay.

How's he doing in there?

- Unclear.
- Yeah?

There are a lot of noises.

- Lot of noises, huh?
- A lot.

Noises are okay.

How you doing?

Girls are ready. We're ready.

You close?

Close is for pussies.

You're either there or you're nowhere.

All right.

Let's do this.

Get to work. Let's go!

We got him, ladies, Billy Brunson.

Whoo!

That is a very hard dick.

- Oh, you think?
- We can't shoot that.

Unless you want a magazine no
one can put on their stands.

I don't know, I was thinking maybe

you could do some kind of
camera trick or an angle

that kind of hides it a little bit.

Sure, I'll just set
the exposure to flaccid.

Renetti, this happenin' or what, buddy?

Yes. Yes.

Can I get a moment with you, please?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I love this choice. I think it's bold.

But I got to say, I
find with our readers,

it's... it's better to
sometimes give them a bite

rather than the whole meal, don't you?

You might get away with that
bullshit with your male models.

But not with me.

You asked for The Goat,
you're gettin' all of The Goat.

I don't... I don't know about black.

It was the only color
Tommy wore for years.

On the plus side, black
goes with everything.

So getting him dressed was a breeze.

But, you know...

Shelly, in this home, you
don't have to be a mom.

And you look great.

I don't recognize myself.

That's the point.

Okay.

Shelly...

Oh.

Meet Shelly. That's you, too.

She's just been hiding for a while.

In order to find magic
with your husband,

you have to find it first in yourself.

- So, Joyce...
- Yes.

How long will you be in New York?

Well, usually I have everything planned.

Everything. But I don't know.

She's writing a piece for
us at "Betsy" actually.

Good for you. What about?

I... no... I have not said yes yet.

Smart. Hold out for more money.

I can help you with that.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

- Okay, good.
- You got people.

It's... no, Elayne wants
me to write about "Minx".

Yikes.

Maggie told us not to say anything.

No. No.

What I said is, "Don't push her."

No, it's fine. It's fine.

I don't mind talking
about it amongst friends.

- Great.
- Oh, God.

I do have one question.

- Of course.
- There he is.

- The men.
- Mm-hmm?

- Gigolos, right?
- No, no.

The first centerfold was a firefighter.

And the second was a Juilliard grad.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Look at that.

His parents must be dancing.

Who cares about the men?

We want to know about the women.

Who ends up doing something like that?

Obviously, somebody who has to.

- Mm.
- A runaway.

Or a single mother.

No. That's not been my experience.

You hear that, Georgina?

Don't judge until you've street-walked
a mile in their stilettos.

These women aren't actually
that different from us.

You know, they just are

more comfortable with their bodies.

Joyce. They're nothing like us.

Now remember, you are a dazzling,

glimmering, sexy nymph.

Oh, nymphs like to hide behind things.

Maybe I'll just pop
behind the couch or...

No, no, no.

Come on, you're hot.

Yeah, I'm sweating. I'm a sweater.

Okay. Take this.

Oh. This is nice.

My good luck charm.

I wore it on my very first photoshoot.

"101 Arabian Nights."

Oh, isn't it "One Thousand
and One Arabian Nights"?

Yeah. Ours was pretty low budge.

But I was nervous like you are now

and I got through it and
nothing bad's happened since.

Wow, that's quite a hot streak.

Yes. Hot.

Speaking of hot,

you are on fire and you have a secret.

Ooh. What is it?

I don't know.

It's between you and the camera.

Oh, you're good.

Hey, Billy.

Can I have one more...
can I have a moment?

Yeah. This is great. This is exciting.

Can I be totally honest with you?

It's... it's not up to me.

I mean, I can take these photos,

but it's not legal for
me to distribute them.

My dick is above the law, brother.

Yeah, I wish that was true. Believe me.

But what if we took it down to 75%?

Can we do 75%, Billy?

- Three-quarter mast.
- Yeah.

Is that how you like
to salute your flag?

In America?

Hey, I'm a patriot just like you.

But if you want your fellow
Americans to see this thing,

which we both fucking do,

we gotta let a little air
out of the tire down here.

We just gotta.

- 90%.
- That's...

Give me 80. Let's go down to 80.

- No way.
- Yes.

No way, brother. This is grade A beef.

Come on.

Oh no, step back, son. No, no.

Everybody stays naked.

I know you want me hard.

So why don't you just
take this bad boy in?

You can look but don't touch.

Let's start shooting. Right?

Let's find a level that
works for everybody.

But the move now is to
start shooting, right?

Yeah, yeah, let's get these
girlies jumping up and down.

- I want these jingles jangling.
- Ooh, I love that energy!

Girls, let's jump.

Let's get the jingles
jangling like he said.

It's about education.

Just think of how much better
these people's lives could be

if somebody just cared
enough to keep them in school.

You know, I don't think
that educated people

have a monopoly on
good decision-making.

An excellent point from the
Vassar grad who ended up in porno.

- Oh.
- Ouch.

She didn't "end up" there.

She was slumming it for a while,

getting a little dirt under the nails.

Well, the story has a happy ending

because Joyce is back in
New York where she belongs.

- To Joyce.
- To Joyce.

To Joyce.

So I ran into William Shawn last week,

- who looks awful, by the way.
- Well, of course.

I'll get more ice.

No, you don't have to do that.

No, no, no. It's fine.

I never get to breathe fall air.

All right. Did I tell you...

Doug, look around.

Is this really what "Minx" is about?

Don't do that whiny shit right now.

- You hear me?
- No, I know he's a big get.

But, Doug, what are we doing here?

I can't keep this thing up all day long.

What do they think we're doing?

We're on limited time here, Leibovitz.

- Start shooting.
- Just give me a second, okay?

Just please press the
button. Let's shoot something.

I can't stand here all day.

Take the pics, Richie.

Read the room and take the pics.

- Fine.
- Good.

Don't be an asshole, press the button.

I am.

Why don't you go rouge some nipples

if this is so beneath you, Rich?

Okay? I got it. Thanks,
Richie. Thank you.

Oh, great.

Now there's two hard dicks in the room.

Oh, ho! Pretty good. We're good.

That's how you take control, Renetti.

My man.

Have fun with your boyfriend.

Grits and pancakes.
What do you say, guys?

Good. Excitement, excitement.

We got Billy Brunson.

Great.

What's wrong?

Nothing. You're gorgeous.

I just want to adjust
your hair a little bit.

Yeah, do whatever you want.

Um...

Um, and then the robe,

I was thinking maybe
it could be a little

off the shoulders or...

What about no robe?

That's the shot.

Can I buy you a drink?

If I say yes, will
you stop following me?

Oh!

Whoo!

I know the Cornish hen
was a bit dry, but...

Um, I'm sorry.

Okay, I just... I went dancing.

In the middle of a dinner party?

Is that a hickey?

Uh...

Yeah.

I met somebody.

So who was he?

You don't even know his name.

You know what I know is that he wasn't

patronizing and judgmental.

Oh, grow up, Joyce.

You think when Gloria Steinem
goes to a dinner party,

people don't ask her about her time

going undercover at The Playboy Club?

It's what makes you
interesting right now.

My life is not fodder
for your dinner party.

But you're more than happy

to lap up the attention
when it suits you.

You're more than happy
basking in my reflection.

This...

I'm trying to give you back your life.

Okay. All right.

This is salvageable. All right?

I, uh...

I have some stationery.

You can write some apology notes

and break out that Prigger charm.

I have nothing to apologize for.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Is this what you wanted?

It'll move magazines, all right?

I'll start looking
for new photographers.

You should probably take
Joyce's name off the masthead.

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