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Tensions have cooled here at Woodbridge,

but just a few nights ago,
the campus was in flames

over a new pornographic
ladies' magazine called "Minx."

Copies of the frisky periodical

blew through the quad,
igniting a raucous debate

that has left locals raging.

They're called privates for a reason.

This is yet another example
of the media industrial complex

amplifying the voices
of mainstream feminists.

Reading this is supposed
to make girls want sex?

I don't get it.

Local action groups have already formed

to protest the magazine.

This filth has no
place in our community.

I stand with the concerned
citizens of Encino,

decent, God-fearing people
who will help us win the fight

for the soul of the San Fernando Valley.

Okay, okay.

Keep it up. Keep it up.

I have negatives to print. Can I just...

Less talkin', more lickin'.

I used to love hearing that.

More envelopes, please.

There you go.

"Champions of Chatsworth
Chastity"... good.

"Virgin Vigilantes of Van Nuys."

- I can't even say that one.
- No one can.

That's why it's gonna
be so funny on the news.

This one's my masterpiece.

"Heavy-Hearted Housewives
of Hollywood Hills."

They call that alliteration.

Okay, you're fucking
with me. I know this move.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm trying to pull a
rabbit out of a hat here.

Could you please help me?

Ooh, "Matronly Magicians of Mulholland."

I hate it when Mom and Dad fight.

Wait, so none of these groups are real?

Doug, may I have a word, please?

Let me do my job.

It's working. I'm moving. I'm shaking.

I'm stirring the pot.
People are talking.

Yeah, but it's all criticism.

If everybody was loving it,
we wouldn't have a story.

Joyce, I got reporters
calling me from everywhere...

from the "San Francisco Chronicle,"

from the "Philadelphia Inquirer."

- That's a lesser paper.
- It's working.

And you did a killer job
stepping up issue two.

And Richie's cover?

Very sexy stuff, Joyce.

Yes!

Look at how many more dicks you got.

- Mm-hmm.
- You should be so proud

of this excellent magazine.

Yeah, but what's the point
of making it excellent

if everybody's reading it the wrong way?

What do you mean by that?
You mean, like, back to front?

I want women to feel
empowered, not embarrassed.

Let me talk to these reporters.
- Oh, no, no, not a chance.

The plan is working.
You'll just Joyce it up.

We are scaring away our target audience.

Just... all right, you know what?

I'll give you one reporter.

Oh, my God, you're so generous.

Okay, stuffy. Mean.

Notoriously grabby.

Beulah Barrett called?

She does the best profiles
on celebrities in crisis.

- Am I a celebrity?
- Sure, you're a celebrity.

Here, give them to me.
Tell them your vision

- for issue two.
- Yeah.

And then why don't you do this?

Why don't you, uh...

teach them how they should read it?

With a yellow highlighter
and an open heart.

Oh, how funny. We missed this one.

Let me just, uh...

ah, but wait, it's for me.

There are no coincidences.

Chairman Mao taught me that.

"Dear Richie, noticed
your work in 'Minx.'

Come see us sometime. Let's chat."

Edward Shawn of the
Edward Shawn Gallery.

Oh, my God, he has two first names.

- That's so fancy.
- I know.

He has the chicest
gallery in West Hollywood

and a real eye for emerging artists.

He taught David Hockney how to swim.

Wow. What if he wants
to show your photos?

Or what if he wants
to have sex with you?

- Sometimes it's both.
- Mm, just says chat.

I am so glad someone is finally getting

the recognition they
deserve around here.

Yes, well,

whenever it happens for
me and I become famous,

I promise we'll still be friends.

I'm already famous, so I understand.

Ms. Prigger?

Terrence Carpenter, "Associated Press."

Uh, what happened to Beulah?

Last-minute emergency
sit-down with Cloris Leachman.

- You understand.
- Oh, yeah, of course.

Cloris Leachman is...

More important than you.

- It's not personal.
- Uh, no, I know.

I'm just, um...

I was really looking forward
to speaking with Beulah.

Oh, yeah, well, I mean, I
could say the same about you.

I cover the publishing beat at the "AP,"

and I have been following
the chatter about "Minx."

New magazine.

Starting to make some noise. Not easy.

Well, I'm just grateful to be
part of the conversation, really.

Well, let's dive into the
story of Joyce Prigger.

Okay.

When did the matriarchy first awaken?

You've done your research, I see.

That's the job,

as you're aware, being
a journalist yourself.

Well, I guess my story starts
where every good story starts.

Seneca Falls, 1848.

Did you actually say that?

Obviously not.

I said I wanted to start a
conversation about female oppression.

My point of view has been
egregiously misrepresented.

Okay, okay, hold on.

"When pressed on 'Minx's'
intended audience,

"Prigger cast a wide
net, encouraging girls

as young as 13 to
seek out her magazine"?

I said that I wish I had access

to this kind of material
when I was coming of age.

Oh, you are coming of age.

- Believe me.
- We have to fix this.

We've gotta demand a retraction.

No way. This is a national story.

It's been picked up by 180 papers

just as we have released issue two.

This is a jackpot.

Oh, this one's even better.

"Pornographer defends riot,

advocates for adolescent
sexual awakening"?

Joyce, you're a fucking gold mine!

Oh, my God.

Are you Ricardo Montes Izquierda?

No.

Thank you.

Don't they sort of belong to me by now?

There's no statute of
limitations on borrowed pumps.

Thank you.

And I'm coming for that clutch, missy.

Are you sure you can't stay for a drink?

Well, I would, I just...
I want to hit the highway

before the smog rolls in.

Well, maybe you can come
by the office this week.

We all miss you.

I promise I'm gonna stop by soon.

It's just been so crazy at the house

and things with Lenny
have been a little off.

I just... I really could have
used you the last few days.

It's... everybody hates me, Shel.

First it was the magazine,

but now I am the one being pilloried.

Joycey, when no one would
publish your magazine,

do you remember how miserable you were?

Yeah, it's terrible to be ignored.

And then after the first issue came out

and no one bought it, you felt like

it was the end of the world.

That's because it landed
with a deafening thud.

It's a real shock to the system.

I'm just saying, if every
step has been torture,

it makes me wonder, do
you even want a magazine?

Of course I want a magazine.
It's just it's harder

than I thought it was
gonna be, that's all.

Yeah, well, most things are.

Ooh, Daltons. I love their financiers.

Oh.

- Secret admirer?
- Bye.

Well, thank you for joining me.

You know how much I love to see

our profitable magazines in
their natural environment.

Ahh, "Naked Nurses."

Ugh, 70% margin. Now that's sexy.

- Where the hell is "Minx"?
- Oh, no.

Has the crown jewel of
the Bottom Dollar empire

gone missing yet again?

Hey, Artie!

I thought we'd been over
this. Where's my dick mag?

- Gone. They took it all.
- Seized?

- Sure, that tracks.
- No, sold.

I put it on the stands,
gone in two hours.

You gotta get me more.

No problem.

So get this, Franco.

Some broad right here in
sunny LA, Joyce Prigger,

is putting out a magazine
full of naked guys

to help the females feel more satisfied.

Ha! You know, I bet
if Little Miss Prigger

had a real-life jolly
stick to play with,

she would have saved
herself the trouble.

Whoo!

We just sold out in Cleveland!

Oh!

- What? Ha!
- Whoo!

Well, she's calling it "Minx",

and she has filled it

with all of her feminist mumbo jumbo.

Are you reading this, Nancy?

You better believe it, Billy Boy.

Fellas, keep a leash on your ladies.

Don't want 'em getting any big ideas.

I want a raise.

That's the thing about these libbers.

They wanna fix something
that ain't broken.

How hard is it to get your nails done

and cook a nice meal?

We just sold out Vegas!

Whoo!

Whoo!

Yeah!

Chicks like Joyce Prigger,
nothing but trouble.

But I know the type.

Once some unlucky guy
takes her off the market,

she'll shut her trap.

Oh, if any of our loyal listeners

wanna jump on that grenade,
you'll be a hero to us all.

New York City!

Parks, not porn! Parks, not porn!

Parks, not porn!

Parks, not porn! Parks, not porn!

Friends, neighbors, wives, mothers,

we didn't ask for this war,

but I promise you,
we're ready to fight it.

If Joyce Prigger and
her soldiers of smut

wanna put their magazines
into the hands of our children,

well, they're going to have
to get through us first.

- Hey, Richie.
- Hey.

"Richie,

congrats on a fabulous second issue.

Having a little salon
for some of my artists

at my place in the hills.

Bring your colleagues.

Would love to celebrate with
the whole 'Minx' team. Edward."

- We have to go.
- I'm pretty busy.

- I don't think I can make...
- What?

You were so excited to meet him.

Oh, no. He tried to sleep with you.

You did sleep with him?
You slept with him twice?

It was good? It was bad.

- He hates his mother.
- Stop.

I bailed, okay?

I got there and it was

way out of my league.

There's no chance I'm ever gonna be

up on a wall next to Hockney.

You know, when I
stepped on my first set,

I didn't feel like I belonged.

I'm not even really
sure how I got there.

But the photographer could
tell I was really nervous,

and so he walked over to me and he said,

"You're not gonna be hot forever.

Now take off those shorts

and get on that elephant and ride."

Oh, this industry.

Babes, you're so talented.

You just need to shine
bright and show everyone

how much you're worth.

Plus, Joyce could use some fun.

We could make a night of it.

Okay, fine, fine,

but I get to leave whenever I want.

Okay, you say that now,

but last time I went
to a party in the hills,

I stayed for a year.

And then the murders started.

You're gonna love it.

The Manson murders?

Not those!

The library, one of my favorite places

- in the entire world.
- I mean, she has a point.

Even I don't think "Minx"
should be in a library.

I never said that.

You know, just to play devil's advocate,

who is to say it's the worst idea

to bring these concepts
to the common square?

If you think people should be
able to check out your magazine

while also getting a copy
of "Huckleberry Finn,"

I think that's an opinion you
need to share with the whole world.

Oh, yeah, you would love that.

No, I love selling magazines.

And speaking of, would you be willing

to go on "Willy and Franco"?

Pump up our numbers a little bit?

I wouldn't go anywhere near them.

They're Neanderthals.

Neanderthals with a national audience.

Doug, I am getting hate mail.

Bags and bags of it.

Four-letter word. Four-letter word.

Five-letter word. Death threat.

Oh, God, and this absolute chestnut

from Bottom Dollar's
biggest fan, Norman.

"Women in pornography
should be seen and not heard

and certainly should not
be given their own magazine.

Like that vile temptress Yoko Ono,

you are single-handedly
unraveling America's Beatles.

Bottom Dollar Publications."

Aww, he thinks we're The Beatles.

- Doug!
- Joyce, I've been

in this business a long
time, and as you know,

it is not always a popular one.

I want to show you something special.

Oh, God.

A few of my favorite love letters.

"If I had a time machine,
I'd go back to 1933

and kill you as a toddler,
then, time permitting,

I'd go to Germany and I'd kill Hitler."

- That is horrible.
- No, if somebody is willing

to write you a letter,
that means you got them.

That means that you matter.

What you're describing is masochism.

No, what I'm describing
is not giving a shit.

You should try that sometime.

Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

- Really enjoying this, huh?
- I am.

The only way this could be any better

is you admitting that I was right.

Like you knew any of
this was gonna happen.

Hey, I had a hunch.

You were blindly throwing
darts praying one would hit.

And one did,

right in the ass of our patron saint,

Joyce Prigger, huh?

- Sure, if she holds.
- Mm-hmm.

You've hitched your wagon to a star

that's about to supernova
out of existence.

Nah, I'm good.

I'm thinking of upping our next
print run to a cool million.

- Why not two?
- Now she's ready to dance.

Why not two?

Just hope it's not on
the deck of the "Titanic."

Hey, those people were
in a bad situation,

and they made the best of it.

And then they all died.

Hey. What're you doing here...

No, don't talk.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

- That was fun.
- Yes, it was.

I forgot how good we are at this.

That was a little better.

Right?

Well, you did read "Aphrodesia."

Mm-hmm.

Come here.

I wish I could just
hide out here all day.

You can. I'll field your calls.

Beat away all those assholes
running their mouths.

God, it's a bit late for that.

What are you talking about?

Nobody's image is beyond repair.

Teddy Kennedy is three years removed

from leaving a body in an estuary,

and he's still a viable
presidential candidate.

Not my favorite analogy, but...

Martha's Vineyard does sound
very appealing right now.

Mm.

But you know you shouldn't be hiding.

You should fight back.

Churchill said that, "A lie
gets halfway around the world

before the truth puts its pants on."

Doug's not interested in the truth.

Well, you did get in business with a man

who doesn't know a thing about
publishing a real magazine.

You deserve a publisher who
has the right media contacts,

someone who understands major markets,

who has relationships with advertisers,

who knows that fall
issues are the biggest

and January's a wash.

It sounds like you have someone in mind.

It's not your fault
that you got into bed

with the wrong guy.

You were just so desperate for a yes

that you went with someone
who doesn't know a thing

about who you are and
what you want to do.

But if someone like
you were my publisher...

Well, now that you mention it,

I have been looking to make a move.

"Lad" magazine is very limiting,

and they don't see my potential.

Spit it out, Glenn.

I've been sitting on a
modest trust from Nana Lily.

- Since when?
- Since she died.

- In 1969?
- Yes.

And it's enough to set up shop.

"Minx" as our flagship title,

and you as our glamorous
editor in chief,

and me, our debonair publisher.

Look out, world.

Where was this money two years ago?

Well, I didn't wanna blow
it on something unproven.

Me.

You didn't want to blow it on me.

Oh, my God.

But now that everyone is
talking about my magazine,

now, suddenly, you wanna invest?

Only you can turn this
into something nefarious.

I'm... I'm trying to help.

Help yourself!

What is so funny?

I realized that you trying
to steal my magazine...

that is the most ambitious
thing you've ever done.

Ooh, you look hot, babe.

It's, like, 91 degrees. Why
do people dress like this?

Everyone's gonna wanna talk to you,

and I'll be right by your side.

Thank you.

Everyone is so staggeringly
handsome, I kid you not.

They're so cute.

Hi!

Hey, you mingle. I'll
go grab us some drinks.

Mingle?

Uh...

Is that...

Motherfuck.

What's happening here?
This chick gonna show?

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, she's gonna come.

I triple confirmed with
her. She's just driving.

You know, women.

Cream and two sugars, sugar.

But if she doesn't show,
I'll be happy to step in.

I got a... I got a million
stories, believe me.

I taught her everything she knows.

I'm a lot of fun.

Where's the mic?

Go. Go.

You really think we're
gonna be sitting here

in 40 years talking about Goldie Hawn?

Not just her, her children.
She's going to start an empire.

That's not a world I want to live in.

Hi, sorry, um, do any
of you happen to drive

a green and white pickup?

Is that to a green and white pickup?

Blue Celica. You want?

I hear I'm holding you hostage.

Dreadfully sorry.

- Mr. Hockney.
- I'm always the last one here.

End up trapping everybody else.

That's the burden of my life.

And tell me who you are, then.

I used to know everybody
at Ed's parties,

but seems like this town is
just moving on without me.

Oh, well, I'm a nobody.

I'm Richie. I shoot for "Minx."

- It's a magazine that...
- Oh, no, brilliant.

I love "Minx."

That second issue...
yeah, that was tops.

- Oh, you've read it?
- Yeah, well,

all we get are these
tortured physique poses.

Beefcakes on the boardwalk which, uh,

with the right mood, I mean, why not?

But you're giving us actual male desire.

That's really something.

Thank you.

It's funny 'cause people have
been ripping us to shreds, so...

That's the price of being
a pioneer, I suppose.

Misunderstood by most.

You'll get used to it.

And we're back!

Well, there is a hot new
magazine on the stands,

and everyone seems to
have an opinion about it.

We're lucky enough to have
the brains behind "Minx."

- It's a real lightning rod.
- You got the rod part right.

Please welcome

the lady editor of
"Minx," Joyce Prigger.

Just editor. Happy to be here.

Listeners, this may surprise you,

but Joyce is quite the looker.

You hear "feminist" and you think...

That's funny, you both look
exactly like I imagined.

Whoa!

So, Joyce, why do you hate men?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, she doesn't hate men.

You check out her mag? She loves us.

Eh, maybe not us,

but a little part
that tickles her fancy.

To interject, I don't hate men at all.

But one thing I find curious about them

is when they ask a woman a question

and then don't let her answer it.

Oh, no, I think we ticked her off

right out of the gate, Willy.

Oh, we're just messing around.

There's no reason to get
your nose out of joint.

Another thing I love is
when men try to tell me

how I should be feeling.

"Minx" is not about hating men.

It's about empowering women.

Does that scare you, Willy?

Of course not.

Right, 'cause how could little ol' me

scare a big man like you?

Franco, on the other
hand, should be terrified.

Nancy, you don't have those privileges.

See, now that is what
my magazine is all about.

Men have had their finger on
the button for a long time.

Well, that's my button,
and she knows the rules.

We're not trying to take
your button away, Willy.

Women just want access to the button,

or, failing that, we
want our own button,

one as loud and obnoxious as yours.

Oh, you're just off to
a great start, toots.

I get it. I get it. I do.

The thought of a female pornographer...

that makes people pretty uncomfortable.

It made me uncomfortable,
but I'm doing it anyway.

And there is nothing that
you can do to co-opt it

or diminish it or
take that away from me.

Will, you look at porn, right?

That's between me and my... yes.

Franco, I don't even need to ask.

Male desire is celebrated.

There is an entire industry
built on servicing it.

Why should female
desire be any different?

We got more nerve endings in
our sex organs than you do.

No. Absolutely not!

Men like you are really good
at limiting women's options.

Now maybe, just maybe,
you guys are worried

that my magazine can offer
them something that you can't.

One thing I'm certain of
is that Wanda Wilkerson

is satisfied in the bedroom department.

- Are you, though?
- Never had a single complaint.

And I'm sure that your marriages

are built on openness and communication.

- Actually, I'm single.
- Shocker.

But as a woman, let me let
you in on a little secret.

What she tells you and
what's really happening

may not be the same thing.

I happen to know a
woman who's been married

for 16 years... three
kids, perfect life.

But her husband has never
been able to give her

the fullest experience of lovemaking.

She has never said a peep about it,

so he keeps flying blind
thinking he's pleasuring her.

But I'm sure that things

between you and Wanda are different.

We could give her a
call after the break.

Hear her side of the story.

Great idea, Nancy.

How much to get one
of these in platinum?

- We sold out everywhere.
- Word travels fast.

Dick Cavett's talent booker told me

when she called to check
Joyce's availability.

No. "The Dick Cavett Show"?

In New York fuckin' City?

How is your news better than my news?

This is annoying. I had great news.

You'll get over it.

All right, I need to hear it.

- Seriously?
- Yeah, I'm a petty man.

I want to hear it.

All right, maybe I'll
make it easier for you.

You were right too.

I was irresponsible, I
was in over my head, I...

I went a little nuts.

And then I got lucky.

Thank you.

And?

You were right.

The penis is completely out
of proportion to the original.

- Yeah, it was a whole thing.
- Yes, we know.

I hope no one's got anywhere to be,

because I just blocked
in about five people.

Well, now they have a reason to stay.

Hey, everyone, this is Joyce.

The minx behind "Minx."

God save the queen of dicks.

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