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Um...

could you repeat the question?

I only understood the word "the."

Sure. "In Nixon's America,

would you say gender equity

is about more than just equal pay?"

And the word "the" is not in that question.

All right, let's just skip to the next one.

Um, okay, my turn.

"As the Soviet Union and the collectivist East

turn towards radical egalita"...

Tarianism. Radical egalitarianism.

"Radical egalitarianism,

what role do Western democracies have in"...

You know what? I don't think you're gonna get this question.

I don't see a world where we don't.

Abolishing gender distinctions is squarely in the zeitgeist.

We'll be lucky if any journalists show up to this,

let alone the smart ones.

Bambi's right. Stick to the basics.

Hey, this question is mostly in Latin.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, I know Pig Latin.

Hey, what are your turn-ons?

Oh, and a follow-up, turn-offs.

What's your sign, honey?

Ooh, I was gonna ask that.

First question...

I like it when girls dress sexy.

Oh, my God.

I don't like it when they don't.

- Wrong. - How could it be wrong?

It's an opinion. And I'm with you, buddy.

You guys talk too fast.

Is this what the conference is gonna be like?

- Yes, definitely. - Not a chance.

Yes, it will.

That man, that beautiful jar of nothing

cannot represent the premiere issue of our magazine.

He's on the cover.

He's representing the fuck out of it.

No one would be interested if it's just you up there,

charming as you may be.

This is our only chance

to make a first impression.

We are introducing something completely new.

We have to get this right.

You may be the brains, but he's the face,

and there's a reason they call the face "the moneymaker."

It's what makes the money.

Yes, I get it.

He doesn't understand rudimentary hand signals.

Gorillas catch on faster.

You got a couple of days.

Train him up as best you can

and, I don't know, maybe lose the 'tude.

"Lose the 'tude."

Got a call from City Hall this morning.

Enjoy your little badge gag on the councilwoman?

Troop 69?

Yeah, Art Department knocked it out of the park.

Well, now we're being audited by the county tax assessor.

Couldn't leave it alone, could you?

You know, Westbury should really give me a badge.

Teaching our bright young minds

that there's more than one way to eat a cookie.

- Doug. - Hey, did you hear

Scotty gave notice down the block?

I bet we could swoop in, make an offer,

and nab that building before they even hire a broker.

- We don't have the cash. - We will.

We are bleeding money.

You gotta spend money to make money.

You gotta have money to spend money.

Says who?

Don't worry about the audit. Our books are good.

Gerry will handle it.

Hey, lose the sweater. Throw this over your shoulder.

"An exciting new chapter in the annals of erotica."

Annal is Tompkins' favorite kind of erotica.

"Who says feminism can't be sexy?"

This is gold.

We gotta send someone to cover this press conference.

Is "female gaze" just another way

of saying carpet munchers?

See? This stuff writes itself.

Anyone up for a fish-in-a-barrel gig?

600 words.

I'll take this one.

Glenn.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn,

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn.

Okay. Let's review.

Feminism is?

- Good. - And?

Started with witches.

No. that one's on me.

I should not have opened with the Salem witch trials.

Okay, let's get back on course in the struggle for...

Elizabeth Cady Stanton.

Was one of the names

that I mentioned in the introduction.

- My mom almost named me Cody. - Oh.

But she didn't 'cause our last name.

She said that people wouldn't take me seriously

if my name was Cody Brody.

Well, she sounds like a smart woman.

Would you call her a feminist? - Not to her face.

Come on. It's not a bad word.

Feminism is about equality.

It's about giving people power and a voice,

even if they are some pretty little thing

that hasn't been taught to use theirs yet.

Okay. Sorry. Jeez.

Now I understand why women have so much suffrage.

All right, um...

how about we have a drink? - Sure.

- Okay. - Got any beer?

No, I do not. I have a lovely Pouilly-Fuissé.

Trust me.

Hmm.

Shouldn't you be bowling?

I should.

I'm taking a look at Gerry's...

I'm not sure what to call this. Work?

Now, go easy on Gerry. He's a real accountant.

I poached him from Capitol.

He's the one that figured out

how to write off Phil Spector's guns.

This is a mess, and I don't even have an accounting degree.

Well, I don't even have a high-school diploma,

yet here we are.

To, uh, punching above our weight.

Cheers.

You do run a successful business.

- Thank you. - Sloppily.

Half your employees have criminal records.

The other half are lucky they don't.

You're spending money you don't have

on things you don't need.

Subjective.

Come on. Hold on now.

Look at what... look at what Frank sent over.

The Tower That Titty Built.

Don't forget our new friend, good old cock and balls.

You're telling me you wouldn't want to show up

to work here every day?

Come on, Tins, our plan. This plan.

Big circulation, big advertisers, big money.

The same plan that we came up with

in the back of that '64 Impala,

talking out of our asses,

is as alive now as it has ever been.

Yeah?

Yeah.

You're on top of it?

Like a duck on a June bug.

Then you must know 50 grand is missing from these books.

- No, I didn't. - Hmm.

You didn't know that.

Well, now I do.

So the patri-archie forces men

into roles they don't want to play either.

By George, I think he's got it.

It's Shane.

Yeah.

But you're a good teacher.

Thank you.

Most of the girls...

women I meet aren't interested

in what I have to talk about.

Well, I can tell that you're a very sensitive man.

I mean, I know firemen are supposed to be tough,

and, like, I'm not afraid of fire or anything.

Probably should be.

But sometimes the other guys,

they can just be so... mean.

Aww.

Like, one time, I rescued this cat

from a burning building.

I rushed outside, but it wasn't breathing.

So I gave it mouth-to-mouth, which totally works on animals.

I would never have thought to do that.

But that night in the showers,

the other guys, they just kept meowing and meowing.

Oh.

I ran and hid in engine number nine.

Those men, they're not tough.

They're just scared, scared of being vulnerable.

Now, I can tell you that if women were firefighters,

then no one would ridicule you

for saving a helpless little kitty cat.

Too bad women can't be firemen.

Says who?

Well, it's right there in the name.

- Fireman. - Okay.

Oh, but also, you have to be able to carry 190 pounds.

Oh, really? Is that a lot?

You're looking at a buck-90.

Huh? Yeah.

Well, okay. May I?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. No.

Hold on.

I'm sure if I just, you know...

I had the proper training and everything,

then, you know...

Hmm.

Am I allowed to say you're pretty?

Well, I wouldn't accuse you of objectifying me if you did.

Hmm.

Let me just...

Oh, my God.

Now, in a real fire, I'd be carrying you

out of the building and not into the bedroom.

Lucky for us, the only thing on fire is our libidos.

No, no, no. It's okay.

It's just a fancy way of saying that you're...

that I... I am... I am very excited about this.

Um, and this is not something I ever normally...

Wow. Do.

Oh, my God.

But, you know, I guess... why not?

I just want to make you feel good.

You do?

Okay.

Hello?

- Hey, honey. - Hello.

Just calling to remind you

about the editor's photo today.

You have the clothes picked out?

I surely do.

Ooh, someone's chirpy this a.m.

Someone had a very fun night.

- Oh, my... did someone have... - Yes! Yes.

And not even in the confines of a committed partnership.

I had a one-night stand.

- No! - Yes.

Well, check that off your list.

How do you know about my list?

Girls like you always have a list.

Oh. Well, it was transcendent.

I don't know what came over me.

And then... and then, like he read my mind,

he was just gone.

Guess who brought croy-sants.

It's French for pastry.

I have to go.

The bell tolls for thee.

You told everyone?

Does this look like a place of discretion?

Oh, come on. Don't cheapen it.

'Cause I already did!

So who's the lucky guy?

- A lady never... - Uh-uh, spill.

Yeah, we want details.

Wait, it was Shane.

- No. - Yes.

- You had training last night. - It just happened.

You know, a few verres de vin.

- I so called it. - Mm, look at you.

Using your powerful position in publishing to score some tail.

Ooh, baby.

Someone's playing with fire.

You all told me to do it!

Before we hired him, Joyce.

So unprofessional.

Don't listen to him. You deserve it.

Mm, three of my five current stalkers

were former employers.

No, it's not like that.

You were the one worried about the press conference,

and now you've gone and given this boy

something else to think about.

That narrative may fit your tawdry affairs,

but I can assure you

that my eye is squarely on the ball.

Which one? This one or this one?

I'm gonna have to go back and do some forensics here.

I mean, the receipts I get

are on scraps of paper, matchbooks,

toilet tissue sometimes.

It's a frigging miracle I get us in the ballpark.

You can take my word, those numbers don't add up.

- And it's a very big ballpark. - Is that my handwriting?

You know what? These are my wife's glasses.

That'll be all, Gerry.

I mean, he's not a crook.

- Just a terrible accountant. - Agreed.

Why don't we round up the troops?

Somebody's gotta know something.

You might as well come clean because we already know.

About the copy machine we fenced?

Sure, I pawned the cameras, but I bought better ones,

and I also made rent, so win-win.

Between the fall of 1970 and the spring of 1971,

yeah, technically, I did live here.

But that's just 'cause I was hiding from the Lambs of God.

Oh, those are mine.

New Pinto.

Bought with money from a dead aunt

who died of natural causes.

- Did she kill her aunt? - Yes.

This is what happens when you hire people

2:00 a.m. drunk on a Wednesday because they beat you at darts.

Kenny was the best copy editor we've ever had.

I'll defend that hire till the day I die.

Real businesses don't operate this way.

All right. So what do you want me to do?

Fire everyone? Just clean house?

No, but we gotta start somewhere.

Fine.

We'll fire Gerry.

- I'm glad we're doing this. - Thank you.

Me too.

Um, tomorrow is the big day,

and I just wanted to make sure

that we're both understanding what this is.

- Looks like fried squid to me. - Yes. Yeah.

That is the food that we ordered.

But on a deeper level...

there are power dynamics in our relationship.

I love when you say smart things.

And, uh, those dynamics make issues of consent complicated.

- Wait, am I in trouble? - No, no, no, not at all.

It's just, um...

last night was fun.

Very fun.

But it was just fun.

Yes. I understand what you're saying.

It was just fun.

Right. Yes. Oh, God, good.

Okay. 'Cause we're working together.

No one says you can't have some fun

while you're working together, but we both know what this is.

I am so glad you said something,

because it was on my mind too.

Oh.

I don't even use these to go to the bathroom.

Where do you go?

What? No, I use bathrooms.

I just don't go in public. Oh, my God, just keep...

I should have debuted the classier logo.

Hello, Norman.

20 Bottom Dollar titles in a decade,

and this is the one that gets a fancy lunch.

Look at you.

William Randolph Hearst reborn.

You know this one's full of dongs

and lady opinions, right?

"The Valley Porn Courier" covers all things

Bottom Dollar, not just what I find appealing.

That's a promise I made to my readers.

- Norman. - Your number-one fan.

Hey.

Let me show you to your VIP seat.

- Of course. - We knew he would show up.

What about everyone else? - Yeah, it's a... it's a turnout.

- Voilà. - I like it.

- You do? - I do.

We are packed to the gills out there.

Ah, you screwed him again.

Boorish and inappropriate.

And accurate.

It's fine. It's fine. It's under control.

Good.

- You okay? - Yeah. I'm fine.

It's just, um, there's actually people here.

Yeah, because our magazine is a jolt of something new.

It's a whisper and a scream.

I guess it is. Just, uh, don't blow it, okay?

- Okay. - Just ignore him.

I support your sexploits.

You should've been doing this a lot sooner.

- I know. - Mm-hmm.

God. What was he so hung up about?

Just think, all of that free love

out there for the taking, and somehow,

I thought I would have to pay for it.

Sorry I'm late.

Pop's van broke down.

- Oh, we're doing that. - You brought your dad?

Both my parents. They're super proud of me.

I'm the first person in my family

to attend a press conference.

Hey, it's time.

Don't be nervous. We did the work.

- You're gonna do great. - I'm not nervous.

For the first time, maybe ever, I know exactly what I want.

Well, great. Use that.

- It's you. - What?

You're, like, the sexiest teacher ever,

except not married, and, also, I'm of age now.

No. Okay. No, hold on. We were just having fun.

Yeah, that's how it started... with a spark.

But what's love without a spark?

Uh, "Minx" is a...

Oh, "Minx" will establish

the female gaze, uh...

We are at the exciting intersection

of feminism and erotica.

Any questions?

Okay, uh...

I would like to introduce Shane Brody.

Shane was selected out of countless applicants

because he was the minxiest.

He is a modern man.

He's a supporter of our mission,

and he's also...

A certified piece of Grade-A man-meat.

Ank-you-thay.

Yeah, for Shane, tell us what you really had to do

to get the job.

I guess impress the boss.

Has your mother seen your debut?

Ask her yourself. She's right there.

- Love you, Mom. - I love you too.

That's my boy.

Okay. Let's just pivot back to the...

- What are your turn-ons? - Turn-offs?

What's your sign, honey?

Tell us about your ideal woman.

Yeah, are you single? Is there a Mrs. Man-Meat?

- Yeah, I do have a new lady. - Oh, no.

She's smart, classy, strong.

She could probably lift anyone in here.

It's happening.

She's patient, proper, a teacher,

and she doesn't have to dress sexy

'cause she already is.

Oh, my God. Shane's in love with Joyce.

Oh, and she knows how to have just fun,

which is, like, a more pure kind of fun

'cause you're falling in love.

Oh, and when we did it in the bathroom

at the Tony Pony, I realized...

That no one has asked us a single question

about this very carefully researched

and thoughtful magazine.

So does anyone have a question?

Yeah.

Glenn Hollingsworth, "Lad" magazine.

Glenn, you have a question.

I do.

What do you say to all the female readers out there

who might be curious about "Minx"

but are also intimidated by its content?

Thank you, Glenn. That's a great question.

Uh, well... Thank you so much.

- Thanks, Joyce. - Yeah.

I owe you something big.

- These can be brutal. - Yeah.

A little softball never hurt.

The magazine looks great.

It really does. Congratulations.

Thank you. It means a lot.

Maybe we can do lunch sometime.

Sure. Why not?

But not at the club.

Yeah, no, you're banned for life.

They put your picture up front.

They did? Like... who's that guy?

That guy that streaked the tennis tournament?

- Stu. - Stu. Stu, yeah.

- Hey. - Oh, God.

You trying to steal my girl?

Woman.

Liberated woman who cannot be stolen

and is not property.

That's right.

Well, um, I'll call you.

- Okay? - Mm-hmm.

We're going to Marie Callender's.

We?

Hi.

They want to meet you.

Get to know you like I do, but not have sex.

Okay. No, stop.

All right, I think we need to...

There's been a misunderstanding here, okay?

'Cause this isn't real. We're not a couple.

It's not appropriate for me

to meet your very enthusiastic parents, okay?

It was just sex. It was just casual sex.

That's what "just fun" means.

So you used me.

We were using each other,

in a good way, for pleasure.

Don't tell me what I was doing.

You say everyone deserves their own voice, right?

Or am I just some pretty little thing to you?

Okay. All right. Okay. I see what you're doing.

But that... no, that's not this, because you're just someone

who technically works for me

who I then had sex with.

- I trusted you. - Shane.

I gave you my penis, and I want it back.

Hmm?

I don't want to be in your magazine anymore.

Madam editor.

It was a little shaky at first, and then boom.

Save it. Shane's pulled out.

I broke his simple little heart.

Well, I'm sorry, but he signed the contract,

which means we own the photos, so we're publishing them,

and there's nothing that he can do about it.

Though, what did I say?

Oh, God, you love a Pyrrhic victory.

I don't know what that means, so it doesn't hurt my feelings.

Doug, we cannot publish naked photos of Shane

without his permission.

I mean, yeah, fine, we're legally allowed to,

but what kind of message does that send?

It would send the message that we're good at business.

Look, this is hardly the first time

a model has gotten cold feet.

Yeah, but we have to be better than that.

We have to. In fact, I insist

on holding us to a higher standard.

Listen to you. "A higher standard."

Because you couldn't keep your vag in your pants.

Do you always have to be so crass?

All right, Joyce, I'm gonna give it to you straight.

The magazine is printed.

And I spent more on this rag

than anything that I have ever done.

I upped our print run to 500,000

at the last minute against the advice of everyone.

If I were to pull this issue,

we'd be done.

And I would be in a hole

so goddamn deep

that it would take me years to climb out of.

So...

get okay with this or fix it.

Résumés for Gerry's replacement.

I thought we only fired people on Fridays.

You've never fired anyone.

All right.

This is insane.

Can I talk to you?

I took the money.

But you already knew that.

A bunch of transfers between off-cycle titles

at the same time as a surprise invoice from the printer?

- That shit may fool Gerry... - I knew you wouldn't approve.

Your pet project is bleeding us dry,

and now you're stealing from yourself to hide it from me?

Okay, maybe I just didn't want you looking at me

the way you are looking at me right now.

I changed the plan, Tina.

- I am sorry. - That's a start.

We both know what you mean to this place.

You are the other half of Bottom Dollar.

I just... I need you to trust me on this one.

Push down those business smarts

that I fucking love about you and trust me.

You know how hard it is

to see a burning building and not yell fire?

Well, maybe it's not on fire.

Maybe it's just hot and uncomfortable.

Is this where you come to think?

No, this is my job.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to talk to you.

Better make it fast,

'cause if there's a fire, I'm gonna have to go.

I think "Minx" is a tremendous opportunity for you.

And I know that we haven't talked much

about your hopes and dreams,

but modeling can open a lot of doors.

More modeling.

Acting.

You could be a star.

I don't want to be a star.

I wanted 400 bucks and to show my dick to the world.

All right, well, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,

but you signed a contract,

and Bottom Dollar owns your photos,

so there's nothing either one of us can do about it.

Wow.

So after all that feminist stuff,

it just comes down to a piece of paper?

Yes, Shane.

This is business.

And I am here on business and business only.

Um...

God, you're the fourth guy that I have ever slept with

and the only one who wasn't my boyfriend

and by far the best,

but that has more to do with my relationship

to my own body, I think, but still, it was, um, uh...

You were more into me

than I was into you, and I knew that.

I should have been more careful.

I just wanted to feel good again,

so I pushed away all reason,

and that was really selfish.

It's so irresponsible.

You could have said hi to my parents.

Yes, I should have.

If you don't want to be in "Minx,"

then I will figure out a way of killing the issue,

no matter the consequences.

You deserve to have a voice.

Nice work.

And you got some in the process.

Let me know if you need help.

Thank you, Tina.

- 22 inches. - Brown trout?

- Rainbow. - Shut up.

Well, if it isn't Mr. August.

More like Mrs. August.

His dick's so fancy,

it probably can't even get wet anymore.

You guys can all laugh,

but I'm the one that feels bad for you.

You're victims,

victims of something called the patri-archie.

Someday, you'll understand.

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