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- Wow. - Quiet, right?

Yeah.

I mean, that's double-paned glass right there.

You could get murdered in here, and no one would know.

Ooh. What about Rita's desk over here?

Rita? No, are you crazy?

I'm not wasting that view on Rita.

That's your spot.

Hell, no, I'm getting my own office and my own Tina.

His name will be Theodore.

Just imagine sitting here

with Philip Morris and Seagram's over here,

and they're just tripping over themselves

to give us all their dough.

"Sorry, Mr. Hefner. He's in a meeting.

But sure, you can borrow the jet.

Just make sure you top off the tank... "

- Hey! - "Because last time... "

This is an active work zone. Who let you in?

Michael Schwartz.

You got ten seconds before I kick your ass.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Okay, we're going, we're going!

Leave the hard hats.

♪ You know that your love ♪

♪ Is like a violin ♪

♪ Baby, when you kiss me ♪

♪ You know the music begins ♪

Uh...

Hi. Excuse me, Officer.

Hi, is there a problem here?

Are you an employee of Bottom Dollar, Miss?

Technically, yes.

But I think of myself more as a creative leader, actually.

I just finished the maiden issue of my new magazine.

Congratulations.

- Thank you. - Hey, Kenny.

Help lighten this nice lady's load.

What?

Oh, oh, no, I'm so sorry.

- Ma'am. - Those are mine.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

No... okay. Where are you going with those?

Oh, okay.

Rita. Rita, what is going on?

It's a raid.

- Oh, babes? - Yeah?

Do me a favor and stuff this in your bra.

Why is everyone so calm? We're under siege here.

Oh, it's no big deal. It happens a few times a year.

The pigs grab our stuff, Doug pays a fine,

and they return it in a day or two.

I want those tassels back, Wayne.

What are we being charged with?

Aw, it's baby's first raid.

Did you hear what it's for this time?

I think maybe an underage model.

We shoot underage models here?

I'm sure they're of age now.

Listen, every time they come in,

it's for something else.

A zoning violation, harboring a felon.

The charges are always bullshit, okay?

This is just a racket, a shakedown.

This is the dirty part of the business.

- Oh. - Okay, is this too much?

You look thin but bulgy.

And I guess these are for the cops now.

Mm-hmm.

We talked about this, Pete.

You don't fuck with my space heater.

- Sorry, T. - Mm-hmm.

Hey, what happened to the heads -up?

New councilwoman, new rules.

I'm just a humble servant of the law.

Oh, don't sell yourself short, Petey.

You're a prince. I'll save a doughnut for you.

When are we gonna be done with this bullshit?

Around the time we get that jet.

This is insane... they just come in here,

and they just take whatever they want.

- How do you live like this? - Oh, it's never stopped us

from getting an issue out before... 19 raids and counting.

That is a weird thing to be proud of.

All right. Happy Monday, everybody.

Okay, seems we got a new pal at City Hall,

and I haven't paid her the proper respect.

So we got a spot at the printer in 36 hours.

We need to hold on to it, okay?

Anybody got a title that's ready to go?

"Rich & Horny," what do you got?

I saved a roll of film,

a three-iron, and a pearl necklace.

I'm assuming not the fun kind.

- Negative. - "Milky Moms."

They took everything, man, even the dolls.

- Animals. - All right.

You know what? Let's not do this piecemeal.

Everybody, everything you got. Put it on the table.

What's wrong with you people? Our magazine is 90% photos.

Did anybody save any negatives?

Well, don't call me a hero, but I got "Minx" in my pants.

Oh, Richie.

Good stuff.

Hey, kid. Did you, uh, save any boards?

I fought valiantly, but...

Oh, my... no, wait.

Uh, I do have mimeographs of the articles.

See, I, um...

I implemented a backup system after Hurricane Donna

scattered my thesis through the streets of Poughkeepsie.

Well, congrats, kid,

your release date just got pulled up a month.

All right, Joyce.

- Joyce. - Hmm?

You have a call.

It wasn't a real raid. It was a shakedown.

You know, it was selective use of local...

No, uh, no.

Kathy, you know the news always gets this stuff wrong.

It was... please don't get cold feet, okay?

"Minx" will not be the same without your piece.

I'm very sorry to hear that.

I lost every single contributor.

"Degendering Children's Literature," gone.

"The Patriarchal Implications of Breastfeeding," poof.

"A Manifesto on the Virtues of Armpit Hair."

Which are?

Unconvincing at best. I will admit that.

But half of my magazine has just disappeared.

I cannot go to the printer's tomorrow.

Oh, you'll figure it out.

Oh, that... you're done?

That's it? There's no more advice?

Well, look, you've been working on this magazine

since seventh grade, so find some old gems,

do a little Joyce-y update, and, wham bam, you're done.

Yeah, yeah, I suppose I could dip into the archives.

I can't put my name on every single article, though.

That's not professional.

- So change them. - What to?

Norman Mailer. Samantha Shortcake.

It doesn't matter. You're the editor.

Edit the magazine.

Councilwoman Westbury.

Oh, you must be Mr. Renetti. You were due ten minutes ago.

Well, I didn't want to show up empty-handed.

- Aw. - Congratulations

on the landslide victory.

Oh, thank you... I don't accept gifts from constituents.

Also, I grow my own, blue-ribbon winners...

Crown of Thorns, three years running.

Very nice.

Well, what's the secret?

- Love. - Oh, that's nice.

Would you mind grabbing that other brown file up there?

- It's a little high for me. - It'd be my pleasure.

So I'm assuming that you're here about the raid

conducted on your premises this morning?

Yeah.

The list of citations was very creative.

Mm.

Improper ventilation, um,

expired darkroom materials,

and, uh, what was my favorite?

Access to egress. What does that even mean?

Well, safety is job number one.

Yeah, I agree, absolutely.

You see, in the past,

uh, after I paid my fines, of course,

I've been able to expedite the release of my materials

by making a personal donation

to the charity of the councilman's choice.

- Ah. - So...

Wow, yes, some of my predecessors

were colorful characters.

I found a gun in my desk on my first day.

I kept it.

Well, maybe a donation to the NRA, then?

Oh, Mr. Renetti, are you aware that in the Valley,

there are more pornographers than there are pediatricians?

I was not aware.

But if you need a doctor, I got a cousin named...

- That won't be necessary. - Okay.

You know, I was elected to restore

the values of this community, so, you know,

that's gonna mean pulling the weeds up by the roots.

Companies that exploit young girls

and drive down property values

and lead good men to stumble in their faith.

The Dirty Dozen...

Adulty's Bookstore, Romantix Saloon,

The Tickle Corner.

Mm.

What are you... what are you trying to do here,

cut out the Valley's heart?

Or its tumor.

Well, Councilwoman,

there's nothing illegal about any of these businesses.

Despite how distasteful you might find them,

this is still a free country.

The job of government

is to protect its citizens from bad actors.

If those actors find my oversight too onerous,

they are free to set up shop elsewhere.

I heard Oxnard is lovely, and it's by the water.

Come on.

So if you'll excuse me, I have a tea

with the Daughters of the American Revolution.

And trust me, you don't want to keep those gals waiting.

You can see yourself out.

- This sucks. - Zip it.

Auntie Joyce, I've never seen...

Hey, what did I tell you in the car?

Eyes down, mouth shut.

Tommy, I was not expecting to see you here.

And I was not expecting someone

to light his classmate's buttocks on fire.

It wasn't his butt. It was his fart.

Eugene is in the burn ward, Thomas.

I can't even look at you right now.

Rest of the boxes, chop-chop.

My God, Joycie, this place is quite an operation.

Well, trust me, it's held together with masking tape.

Aw, you ever read this article?

"Out for Blood: The Fight for Menstrual Reckoning."

Oh, of course, it challenged everything

I thought I knew about menstrual reckonings.

- Okay. - Oh, that reminds me.

I got to pick up ketchup. It's meatloaf Monday.

- Yay, Shelly's here! - Hi.

- Do you want a tour? It's kind of my thing.

Yeah, I want to see everything.

Wait, do I, or...

Yes, you do. Maybe not that corner.

Oh, that's so much fun.

But, um, could you just wait on that,

and instead, could you just help me go through these boxes

and pick out the best... you know, the best articles?

- Oh. - Okay.

I mean, I guess I could be here for an hour.

Oh, great.

Where should I park this little pyro?

- Um, the lobby should be fine. - Follow me, cutie.

Oh, uh, just know that any of the women you see here

appear in our photos voluntarily

and are appropriately compensated, okay?

Oh, but you should also not expect the girls

that you're romantic with to be as open with their sexuality.

'Cause... oh, but if they are...

- Joyce. - Yeah.

- He's 13. - Oh, okay.

You took scout sashes, why?

Don't know, it was the closest thing to the door.

You know what? You take my stuff, I'm taking yours.

That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard.

- We got a real problem here. - I know.

I looked in that woman's eyes. She wants to end us.

Look, we got to get those boards back,

show her that we got friends in this community, too.

And how are we supposed to do that?

I don't know. Beg, borrow, or steal.

She thinks she's the Valley. Mm-mm, I'm the Valley.

Okay, slow down, Capone.

It was one thing to do that stuff

back in the day when we had nothing to lose.

Got real assets to protect now.

Got to follow some rules.

Yeah, not exactly why I got into porn.

I can call some people, find out who's got her ear,

you know, aboveboard political stuff.

Play the long game.

Come out clean, get so big she can't fuck with us anymore.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Let's try it your way.

All right.

Uh, okay, so, um, which ones were your favorites?

All of them.

Guys, it's okay.

I'm not married to anything, all right?

Although I am a little in love

with that article on marital rape.

Oh, yeah. That one was neat.

You think marital rape is neat?

You didn't read it. Okay.

Uh, we tried really hard.

There just wasn't much to latch on to.

- Yeah. - All right, all right.

Uh, Shelly, you must have liked "Home Economics:

The Contretemps on Domestic Expiation"?

I'm so sorry, Joycie. I couldn't get through it.

But I literally wrote it for you.

It debates whether wives

should be compensated for their housework.

How was I supposed to know that?

"The Contretemps on Domestic Expiation."

I don't know how I could be any clearer.

Well, uh, what if you called it

"Kids Get Paid For Chores, Shouldn't Moms?"

- Mm. - I would read that.

Well, yeah, if we want to go for the low-hanging fruit.

For me, it was more, like, an energy thing.

It's like the articles didn't want to be read.

Oh, my gosh. You put that so well.

It's like they were angry at me for even trying.

Joyce, this is one paragraph. I feel attacked.

- Yeah. - All right, okay.

I guess the gloves are off. Go ahead, I can take it.

- Crabby. - Lifeless.

Pedantic.

Yeah, I looked it up. I looked all these up.

I guess I mostly read the dictionary.

All right, well, um, thank you for your suggestions.

I will definitely give them some thought.

- Oh. - Uh, Jo...

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Understood.

No, thank you.

Okay.

Can I help you with something?

Oh, I'm just here with my mother.

She a Horny Housewife or Milky Mom?

Neither, I hope. Um, my aunt is an editor here.

And I got kicked out of summer school.

Oh, been there.

I'm in a lot of trouble.

Well, let's see if we can brighten your day.

Oh, there she is,

the Valley's most eligible bachelorette.

It's going to take an honest man

to make an honest woman out of me, Dougie.

That rules you out.

This never happened.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

I will be in and out in no time.

Thank you.

Mr. Renetti, after our little meeting today,

I asked around about you.

Ooh, you are quite the rapscallion.

Okay, listen, lady,

my employees are your constituents, too.

What happens to them if I lose my business?

Well, I've found Valley folk to be tremendously resilient.

And with the dynamic economy that we're building,

there's gonna be plenty of opportunity

for people to pursue respectable work.

When are you up for reelection?

I'm certain I will have your vote

before that day arrives.

By the way, there was a bag in my office.

It grew feet and scurried off

right about the time you popped by.

Troop 17 has their pictures tonight,

and the girls cannot pose without their sashes.

That is so unfortunate.

Well, it seems like we both need something back, don't we?

Hmm.

- Keep 'em, Carole. - She won't let me.

- Hi. - Hi, Joyce, you okay?

There were 32 different boas stuffed in the corner,

so I have organized them now

into color, length, and species.

- Oh. - Oh, looks a lot better.

- Mm-hmm. - It does, mm-hmm.

Hey, babes.

So we were thinking, you know,

maybe it wasn't very helpful of us

to criticize your magazine

and not have any ideas of our own.

- So we came up with some stuff. - Oh.

Since we need to fill more pages,

I tweaked the layout of some of the existing material.

I created a jazzy infographic

based on the birth-control article.

I added a whole page.

And I changed the headline

from "Eisenstadt v. Baird: Reproductive Justice Granted"

to "Hooray, Now Single Gals Can Get the Pill."

See? It's catchy.

Hmm. That, uh... that is a change.

And last but hopefully not least,

I used the reject Polaroids

from the centerfold casting and made this.

- What am I looking at? - It's a game.

You match the man with the penis.

It's cute.

- Why? - Well, first of all,

it's a lot tougher than you think... I mean, try it.

Yeah, and we thought it might be a little bit shocking

to flip from your article on female genital mutilation

straight into a two-page spread of that fireman's dingle dong.

Yeah, you... you need a transition, kind of, like,

a scoop of sorbet in between courses.

- Yeah. - That's good.

So this is what you've been working on all day?

- And Shelly's hair. - Yes.

- And my makeup. - Doesn't she look gorgeous?

- Stop it. - I don't know how to do this.

I don't know how to make you understand

that this magazine is not a joke.

You know, we don't do bubble letters

or dumbed-down headlines

or penis games with no redeeming social value.

My God, Doug is making me

do something that is impossible here,

and he is giving me absolutely no support.

Joycie, w-we're your support. We're trying to help.

Yeah, but you can't,

because a real magazine has real writers and real editors,

and it's not cobbled together

at the last minute like it's Meatloaf Monday.

You're right. I don't know what we were thinking.

Good luck, Joyce.

Wow, I've never seen one this big before.

Tommy, you're so good with your hands.

Wow. What is going on in here?

No, sir.

No, uh, he just told us about what happened with Eugene.

- Yeah. - Tough break.

- It's so sad. - Just awful.

You know, kids make mistakes.

Mm-hmm.

Um...

Thank you.

Sure.

- Okay, let's go. - So good.

- Excuse me. - Okay.

Bye, Nikki, Jade, Lola, Amber, Roxy, Cherry.

- Bye, Tommy. - Bye.

You got to be kidding me.

Okay, Westbury comes out of her house, you know.

Obviously there's your car.

Later in the day, fancy lunch, Antonio's maybe?

There's your car again.

When do we go in her house?

We're not breaking in. This is intimidation.

We're just trying to get in her head.

It would be easier, though, just to kill her.

Arkady, please, this is a simple plan, no improvising.

We're just trying to intimidate her...

Oh, what the fuck? Excuse me, gentlemen.

- Joyce. - Hi.

If you finished early and you're coming in here

to tie one on, boy, have I misjudged you.

- No, I... I can't finish. - Of course you can finish.

Okay, this is what it means to be a boss... you're just fine.

Well, maybe I'm not cut out

for leadership because I'm not getting...

- Who are those guys? - Ah, they're associates.

Nothing to worry about.

Why are they staring at me, then?

I don't know. They're curious gentlemen.

What were you saying? What do you need?

Are you plotting something?

No, I'm not plotting anything.

Joyce, you handle editorial. I'll handle the business, okay?

- This is business? - Yes, this is business.

I've been dealing with politicians for 15 years.

They come, and they go. I'm still here.

Yeah, which is a miracle, frankly.

What, are you gonna kidnap some scouts

or steal their cookies?

So you heard about that?

- Yes. - Look, I don't steal, Joyce...

From people who don't deserve it, okay?

What I'm trying to do is real,

and it's hard, and there are no shortcuts.

I can see I came to the wrong place for any help.

That's enough, okay?

How about this?

Do your fucking job, and I'll do mine.

Okay, we'll see about that.

- We're good, gentlemen. - Spasibo.

My Svetlana will love these.

Pozhaluysta.

Okay, girls. Your attention, please.

I know these aren't real, but if there's one thing

scouts know how to do, it's improvise and stay chaste.

Councilwoman Westbury.

Hello. Hi, I am Joyce Prigger.

I am a big admirer of yours,

ever since you ran for school board in '65.

Oh, well, I couldn't just sit back and watch them

teach our kids Salinger, now, could I?

Certainly not, no.

Um, but you, you're an inspiration...

the way you've been able

to balance raising a family with a career.

I mean, the first city councilwoman

in all of Southern California.

You're a pioneer.

Oh, well, I have a bottomless can

of Folgers and a crackerjack all-female staff.

Are you looking to get into politics?

Oh, uh, no, um, no, I'm just... I'm actually here

to, um, return these

with apologies from Doug Renetti.

Okay, well, it seems like you two got off on the wrong foot.

Mm-hmm. Marian, be a lamb and, um, distribute these

and, uh, organize the girls.

Ja, fraulein.

Apologies for my daughter.

She has a unique sense of humor.

Yeah.

Um, I think you got the wrong impression of Bottom Dollar,

and even of Doug Renetti, actually, because,

look, I know he can be a little rough around the edges,

but you know what?

He was the only one who would take a chance

on publishing my magazine.

It's a road map for the next generation of women,

for girls like yours who will redefine what's possible.

Really?

What kind of articles are in this magazine of yours?

Oh, well, important topics, you know...

uh, Title IX, ERA.

Mm, mm-hmm. Annabelle!

What do you think of the ERA?

I don't want to get drafted and die in Vietnam.

- Hmm. - Oh.

Julie, would you like to weigh in?

If I get divorced,

I don't want to pay my husband alimony.

Even if he raises the kids

while you attend medical school?

All right, well, what about the right

to join a male scout group

if you want to learn about wood carving

and wilderness survival, instead of...

Do you carve a lot of wood?

No, but I do believe that I should have the right to.

- This one has a turtleneck. - I just... I don't know.

It's a lot harder than it looks.

Oh, my God.

- Where's the answer key? - Give that to me!

- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, it...

Is this your road map?

I'm fairly certain that leads straight to hell.

Oh, for Pete's sake, they're just penises,

minding their own business... it's silly, and it's fun.

And there's something to be said

for not taking oneself so seriously.

Ah, well, we clearly have very different ideas

about how to shape the minds of young women.

And if you've already aligned yourself

with the likes of Mr. Renetti, I can assure you that your days

in the San Fernando Valley are numbered.

Okay, girls, enough monkey business.

Form up! Don't dawdle. Let's go.

Now, I want big smiles, straight spines,

and flat tummies.

Suck it in, Ruth.

Oh, thank God you're still here.

Okay. We have a magazine to make.

Oh, we?

Look I am so, so sorry about today, okay?

You came in with enthusiasm and ideas,

and I just stole your joie de vivre.

The truth is, I am in way over my head

but I have to figure it out.

We have to figure it out,

if not for us, then for the girls who come next,

because I have seen the future, and it is terrifying.

Like you at 4:00 p.m.?

Oh, scarier.

- Let's get to work, boss. - Oh, okay.

Oh, my God.

- This layout, was it Curt? - Richie.

It's not just photography. He has a real eye for design.

Great. The game is new.

It's fun. Bambi's fun.

She loves her mix and match.

Look, I don't know how you did it,

but this is the best version of this rag I've seen so far.

Right?

Yeah, it really came together.

Ah, even Samantha Shortcake got a piece in it.

Samantha Short is a nom de plume

I will use very proudly.

Great, good stuff.

You know, Doug, in your own way...

you're actually a really good boss.

I just... I want to say thank you for giving "Minx" a chance.

Are you trying to get in my pants, Prigger?

'Cause I don't put out in the office anymore.

Okay.

I learned that lesson many times.

Oh, by the way, I love the new headlines.

They're punchy and understandable,

which I didn't know you could be.

Good work.

Tommy!

- It was Bobby. - Yeah, was it?

That was my grandmother's owl!

Turn it down!

Okay, the Hendersons have their own TV.

They don't want to hear ours.

Jesus Christ!

Do you know why babies come out looking like the dad?

It's some, like, evolutionary thing,

so men won't eat their young.

But was does biology do for the moms, Joyce?

I have kind of a crazy idea.

Oh, no. I already tried Quaaludes.

No, what if you came to work for "Minx"?

I mean, mornings or a few times a week,

whatever's good for you.

What, because yesterday went so well?

Okay. I know I was not at my best.

You know, just because people can't do what you do

doesn't mean they can't do something.

See, yeah, that right there, that's what I need.

You're so good with Bambi and Tina and Richie.

It's... and you've always been funnier than me.

- Low bar. - Okay, thank you.

I mean, when you think about it,

making a magazine isn't entirely different

from making a meatloaf.

Oh, my God. Jesus, Tommy!

Oh, no, that's Bobby.

His anus is bluer.

Okay, you really, really need to get out of your house.

Hey, Barb.

Yeah, give me a Maker's and a banana daiquiri.

- Sure thing, baby cakes. - Thanks.

You seen "Minx"?

Looks good, bumpy ride.

Yeah, kid pulled it off. It's great.

Barely. But bought us 24 to 36 hours.

Well, it looks like we won't be getting that jet

until next year, huh?

Yep, seems our new councilwoman has a few secrets of her own.

I mean, we show her this,

she moves on to someone else right away.

Mm-hmm.

Man...

How'd you get this?

I had a favor to call in, and I used it.

That's all you need to know.

Great.

Put that somewhere where I can't get it.

Here you go, hon.

Hey, do me a favor.

Stay straight. That's how this works.

One, two.

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