All language subtitles for Happy Endings s03e19 The Storm Before the Calm.e

Great job on the
care package, team.

Yeah. It's really gonna help
Penny get over the breakup

and her post-Pete-'m depression.

And before you ask, yes, I've
already trademarked that.

Welp, instead of a care package,
I made Penny a "dare" package.

- Yep. - It's a list daring her
to live life to the fullest.

So you spent no money.

"Laugh out loud in a library."

"Makeover a nerd to win a bet."

"Have brunch with a rabbi."

Ooh, I'd have brunch with a rabbi.

Maybe someone'll finally teach me

how to properly slice a bagel.

Okay. So who's gonna help me
bring this over to Penny's?

- Not me.
- I got a thing.

Who's Penny? Come on.
It's not gonna be that bad.

Are you kidding?
She's already three days

into her post-breakup
cocooning process.

Right now, she's living out
of her bed, binge eating...

I made the mistake of
going in too soon once.

Pen, I know you're still sad
'cause Robert broke up with you,

so I brought you some...

Max! Max!

Haven't eaten pancakes since.

You're eating pancakes now.

Huh?
Oh.

Haven't eaten waffles since.

Okay. Nope.
Eatin' those, too.

Oh. Guys, I gotta get
my life together.

- Yeah, you do! You're a mess.
- I'm a mess.

- Hey, kids.
- It's back! Shoot it!

Wound it!
Shoot it! Oh.

Hey, Pen. You look amazing.
What gives?

I feel great.

I guess I didn't need to cocoon
because I broke up with Pete.

So I've just been enjoying
some much needed "me" time.

For example, I've gotten
back to my theater roots.

I wrote a play.

Oh. I didn't
know that was in your...

That's something.

Well, I guess I'll go back
to my theater viewing roots

and I'll sleep through your play.

Aw! You'll come!
Thank you!

Oh! You didn't realize that
I was trying to insult you!

You can't insult me

because I know that beneath
your soft exterior

there's an even softer interior.

Soft exterior.

You got them thangs.
Everybody knows that.

- Oh.
- Aw.

Is this the play?

sync and corrections by bellows
www.addic7ed.com

Huh.
That was from Pen.

You know, she really seems
like she's doing well.

Breakups are tough,

but what she did was a strong
move by a strong woman.

She's basically Mary J. Blige.

Now are we talking emotionally
strong like Mary J. Blige

or physically strong
like Mary J. Blige?

'Cause M.J.B. looks like she
could throw up some plates.

Ohh, I bet she could
carry me like a baby.

Well, I gotta go.

Um, I found a store that carries
low carb edible underwear.

No, it's not for sex.
It's just a great snack.

Zesty ranch.

Don't do that.

It's my fave.

That's disgusting.

Just get some zesty ranch chips.

Sorry to interrupt, but
I'm Brandon Tyverson.

I work for a company

that specializes in guerilla marketing.

Would you all be interested
in becoming tastemakers?

Hold up.

So we come up with a taste,
you make it, and we get paid?

Super chicken.
Go.

Almond sweat.
Go.

Pretzel cheese.
Go.

Falafel paste.
Go.

No, no, no. See, uh...

People have become cynical
about traditional advertising.

My company pays
real folks like you

to promote our products
in a more natural way.

Dude, if you can't make
super chicken, it's cool.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
So I've watched your group.

I think you guys would be perfect.

You're hip.
You're diverse.

You're like a fresh new
take on a gay guy.

Yeah, with fresh
new takes on life...

white chocolate better than dark.

Texting while driving?
Sorry, I have friends.

Rihanna and Chris Brown?
I get it, Riri.

Good stuff. Well, we'd
love to hire you guys

and your friend... that tall
blonde that just left.

Would she be interested?

Would we have to split
the money three ways?

- Yes.
- Then no.

Max, I can't ice out my sister
just to make a few extra bucks.

Alex, last month you
paid your store's rent

by showing your landlord your feet.

I'm in.

Was that my phone?

Uh, no, unless your ringtone is

the incomparable Joe Gordon-Levitt

carrying this episode of
"3rd Rock from the Sun."

Ugh. Sorry. I'm waiting
for Derrick to call.

His theater group
might put up my play.

Have you guys heard of
the steppenwolf theatre?

- Hell, yeah!
- Of course!

Then you should be able to
find Derrick's theater.

It's right around the
corner from that

and above a pho restaurant.

Pen, if you want,

I'd be happy to give you
my thoughts on your play.

As you might recall,

I was a theater critic
for my college paper.

"'Brigadoon'?
More like 'briga-don't.'"

Damn it. Why didn't I
come up with that then?

Ol' Brad was a bit of a theater guy, too.

When I was a kid,

I was in an all-white
production of "The Wiz."

No one really eased on down the road.

It was more of a stiff,
uncoordinated lumbering.

Love-ing it!

Really?!
So you're gonna put the play on?

No. I drove all the way here,
didn't like what I had on,

went home to change, stopped
at the new whole foods

so I could peep the crazy
ripped Guatemalan stock boy,

just so I could come here and
tell you I won't put it on.

So does that mean
you're putting it on or not?

Yes, you stupid, clumsy bitch!

Yay!

Aah!

Stupid, clumsy bitch!

You're a clumsy
bitch and you're so stupid!

Clumsy and stupid!
Okay.

Ohh! I love you.

You're the worst.

Check out all this cool stuff
Brandon sent us to sell.

I mean, spearmint scotch,

lens-less glasses,

this super cool conditioning
mist for your hair.

Hey, guys.

I just came to see if
you've heard from... Penny.

Great cover.

What's in the box?

Oh, you know, just box stuff.

Oh. So you're not trying to
be a tastemaker with Alex?

Ugh! You and your ability to read.

Look, after you left Rosalita's...

We were approached
by a marketing guy,

and he asked us
if we wanted to do it.

Ooh!
Can I do it with you guys?

Oh, Jane.

You're a great person,
salt of the dang earth.

Mm. But a tastemaking
trendsetter ya ain't.

Oh. Okay.

When I was in third grade,

I created a new in/outbox
homework system.

It was the talk of the school.
Even got interviewed.

Granted, it was from the
school psychologist,

who was concerned

that an 8 year old would spend
every recess creating it.

But that does not mean it wasn't
a super efficient system.

And it would've caught on.

Wow.

Moving stuff, Jane.

But the fact is, Max and I
are so far down the road

on this tastemaking thing.

I mean...

We've already opened the box.

And we love you, but the
wheels are in motion.

And once the bus starts,
it's hard to make it stop.

Fine.

I don't wanna be tastemakers
with you losers anyway.

Oof.

Angry storm outs are
trending suh low right now.

- Suh low.
- Suh low.

Oh, thank you so much for
coming to a reading of my play.

I look forward to your feedback,

as long as it's constructive,
honest,

and tells me everything
in my play is perfect.

Sounds good?

What are you doin'?

I'm just giving
these a little test run.

I wanna see if this
tastemaking thing is legit.

Max, are you seriously wearing
glasses with no lenses?

Maybe.

Dude, I've seen you do some
really dumb things before,

but this... is not one of them.

Those are cool.

And this is coming from a guy

who wore a bandana around his
jeans leg in High School,

so I know what I speak of.

And now let us begin our journey.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I present you...

"A love story."

Now we will be holding
auditions in two days,

but for tonight, you
guys will be my actors.

Brad, will you honor us by
playing the role of Clete?

Clete?

Clete... is a very interesting name.

Clete is the very attractive,
well-meaning young man

who's about to ask the love
of his life to marry him.

- Jane.
- Oh, yeah?

"Clete" rhymes with "Pete."

Just a real eagle eye there, Alex.

And I will be playing the
role of the black plague...

the evil, malignant foe of love,

intent on destroying

the earnest heart of the
unsuspecting Clete.

Oh, boy.

Okay! Wait, Penny wrote a play

about a guy who's about to
get his heart ripped out?

Yeah.

Is this about Dave?

Sure.

"I'm ruined.

"The plague came to me
disguised as a gentle breeze,

"but turned into a foul
wind that broke my heart.

I hate you, plague!"

"And I deserve that hate.

"I destroy love and all that is good.

That's what I do."

The end.

What'd you guys think?

Uh... um....

Yeah.

Um, really interesting.

You know?
And that makes me think,

did you come up with
this randomly or...

Or is it personal or...

Why? What...
what are you saying?

Well, Pen, I mean,

your character destroys the
heart of a man named clete.

Guys, it's a character.

Would you ask Anthony Hopkins
if he were really a cannibal?

W-would you ask Tom Hanks if
he owns Bubba Gump Shrimp?

Although I think he actually does.

I think he got a very healthy
piece of the backend merch.

The point is, I have poured my
heart and soul and artistry

into this creative endeavor,

and I... the least you guys
could do is be supportive.

Ooh.

Well... I think it's
pretty obvious why she's upset.

She must know that that second
act has some real problems.

I mean, black plague?

More like hack plague.
Am I right?

Yeah.

Black plague hack plague.
Don't forget it.

- Wait. What was that?
- What... what's happening? What is that?

That's a recorder.

You don't have to tell
yourself not to forget it.

You're already doing that.

Wow.
Unbelievable.

And this is all because of Alex
and Max's conditioning mist?

This is amazing.

I know.
The guy at the guitar store said

I had the hair of a white Aziz Ansari.

He's not wrong.

Mmm.
Wow.

Sadly, this is not weird anymore.

Oh. Honey. Um...

Why aren't you at lunch with Penny?

She canceled.
I think she's avoiding me.

I think she's avoiding everyone.

She's not even Instagraming anymore.

She hasn't posted a picture
of an appetizer all week.

I'm really concerned about her.

Yeah.

I mean, she has clearly not
dealt with this breakup.

- Someone's gotta get through to her.
- Yeah.

Maybe if a couple of guys
who've had a rough breakup

talk to her, she'd realize
that Pete's gonna be fine.

Oh, yeah.
I can handle that. Yeah.

I got dumped by a girl in High
School, licked my wounds,

got way into anime, and moved on.

And I had no problem getting
over the whole Alex thing,

especially once
we got back together.

Yeah, that... so that... yeah.

Um, I think Brad should maybe
take the lead on this.

You could come in and then
bounce it back to Brad,

and then maybe don't talk at all.

Dive right back into there.

Get in there.
Aw.

- Don't be afraid to go deep.
- Nice.

- Let me see those eyebrows.
- They're pretty good.

Ooh, they're nice.

How about that goatee?

No one... touches...
the goatee.

Right.

Excuse me.

I don't normally do this, but...

You have the hair of

a Greek shipping
magnate's worthless son.

Thanks.
I get that a lot.

And that's because I use...

This awesome conditioning mist.

Wow.

Hey, is that stuff really good?

Oh, it's better than good.

It's fantastic.

I wouldn't use that if I were you.

Just a heads-up.

Name's Devin.

Yeah, I'm a girl with a boy's name.

I'm a bit of a trendsetter that way.

Devin.

What's wrong with the mist?

It seeps in through your pores,

loosens up your bones.

You want loose bones?

- You wanna be like a...
- I-I don't.

A drunk marionette?

Don't listen to her.
She obviously has mental problems.

Yeah, 'cause I used the
conditioning mist...

And now me skull

can't hold me brain right.

What are you doing?
Stop that, Jane! Stop that! What?

Y-your bones are fine, Jane!

And why are you Irish now?

This is weird.

You're weird.
Get out.

Dog darn it!
What the heck?!

Jane, why are you sabotaging us?

I am not gonna stand by

while you guys prey on the
gullibility of the public.

You are no better than Bernie Madoff

or that guy who started earth day.

I don't know how you guys
live with yourselves.

Do you wanna be
a tastemaker with us?

Yes!

Yes!

It's so pathetic, Jane.

I can see right through you.

I-I don't want comedians.
I want actors.

Hey, Pen.

We wanted to talk to you guy
to girl, mano y manette,

about how your play is
maybe sort of a metaphor

for your relationship and such.

Ooh. I would nothing more

than to unpack
the subtext of my work,

even though you
couldn't be more wrong.

But I kinda gotta finish auditions.

We're having a really hard
time finding a clete.

No, Penny! This is serious.
We're worried about you.

You need to find a healthy way
to deal with your breakup.

Oh, my God.

You couldn't be more right...

Yes.

For the role of Clete.

That passion,

the raw manness, the rawr!

What?
What?

I don't know why I didn't
see this at the read.

- Where was that at the read?
- I don't know.

- Girl, what you doing back there?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Now... now you have theater
experience, is that correct?

Well, I mean...

I haven't really kept
up with my acting.

I mean, aside from
memorizing every one

of taye diggs' monologues
from "private practice."

But that's just to stay sharp,
and...

Damn it, Penny,
that's not the point!

There it is again.

That is so Clete.

Brad, you must do this role.

Penny, no!

I will not do this role.

I will define it.

Wait a minute. Wait.
This is insane.

All right, this is insane.

What about me?

You know I love the theater.
What can I do?

I have the perfect role for you.

Head stage tech?

Dave, you're such a
student of the theater.

Who better to create the
visual and audio palette

to make my play pop?

Please?

I don't want another
"briga-don't" on my hands.

Okay.

I'll briga-do it.

Briga-do it.

Okay.

All right.

Let's make some taste.

Now I have a couple
notes on the script.

Take it easy, noob.

We've been doing this
for literally days.

You're right.
I don't have to be in charge,

even though it's better when I am.

Walk me through it. It's simple.

We tell Brandon what products
we need and send him a check.

Then he sends us the goods.

We go out, we tell everyone
how cool they are,

and then he pays us.

Cool, cool, cool.

Can we just circle back to the part

where you pay Brandon
for the products?

Well, he's not just gonna
give it to us for free, Jane.

Sometimes you are such a blonde.

Oh. Okay.

How much have you paid him
for the products so far?

- 2,500 bucks.
- Oh, okay.

How much has he paid you?

$373 a-pure a-profit.

- Tic-tac-toe.
- Tic-tac-toe.

Well, you're being scammed.

I'm out.

Best o' luck.

I gotta tell you, she does
not understand business.

Yeah, like she doesn't buy
all those cars at her work

before she sells them?

All right, check it out.

In order to truly inhabit
the role of Clete,

I'm going method and living
as if I'm in the 1300s.

All right? Fun fact...
I am property.

Hey, guys, couple quick tweaks.

Brad, in the scene
where Clete calls me

"a foul, heartless scourge,"

could you add the words
"selfish" and "vomitous"

before "foul"?

Uh... thanks, bud.

And, Dave, when I first enter,

could you pipe some type of
noxious smell into the audience?

Like a quarter-pound of shrimp

you forgot was in your
baby's diaper kind of thing?

I really want the audience to be
sickened by very sight of me.

Cool beans!

Dude...

We were supposed to help
her, but she played us.

Yep. She knew exactly what

every straight dude
would be distracted by.

Sweet lady theater.

Come on.

Ahem.
Pen.

We gotta talk.
This play is about Pete.

What are you talking about?
Pete who?

Oh, Pete Sampras?

I have moved on so much,

I literally have no idea to
which Pete you are referring.

And besides, this is neither
the time nor the place.

So when is the right time, Pen?

Whenever someone brings it up,
you try to avoid the subject.

We're not gonna rehearse
until we talk about this.

If you're not gonna rehearse,
then you're fired.

Fine.

Good luck finding someone to
learn my lines by opening night.

And good luck finding someone

who can open and close the curtains.

I'll get Derrick to play Clete,

and I'll just prop open the
curtains with a sandbag.

Wait.

Good luck finding a sandbag with
a goatee and a heart of honey!

Yeah!

I'm willing to negotiate.

This is going to be a-roof.

Yeah.

I can't believe that

you and Dave couldn't
get through to Penny.

Really?
You can't believe it?

We're idiots, Jane. That's
how we've always done it.

All we can do now
is be here for Penny,

as brutal as it's gonna be.

And it's gonna be pretty brutal,

because Derrick as Clete
is the biggest miscasting

since Portobello mushrooms
started filling in for burgers.

Dude, let it go. We're here
to support our friend.

Who's opening this curtain?

It should be a fluid wave of velvet.

England, 1348.

Smell that germ-free air.

Are you kidding me?

Life is good,

so soon I will ask my
true love to marry me...

with my grandmother's ring.

Ohh.

Hark, it is I...

The black plague,

the worst disaster ever
and destroyer of love.

I have come to ruin this
noble man's life and heart.

Ahh.

Okay, I can't take much more of this.

Don't worry.
It's almost over.

The black plague is
about to infect Clete.

What?

All around me is death.

All hope seems lost,

but at least I get to
marry my one true love.

No force on earth

is cruel enough to take
that away from me.

Is that a plague I see before me?

Plague?
Hello, plague!

I-I can't do this.
I can't do this.

No, I can't do this. I cannot
break your heart again.

Only a horrible person would
do that to someone so sweet.

I'm so sorry for what I did, Pete.

I mean, clete.

Ohh, she's having
a full-on breakdown.

I know what to do.

Max!
Trust me.

In two weeks, you're gonna
wanna remember this.

Dave, I have an idea.
Come with me.

Go.

Well, I guess
I'll just keep dancing

until the plague stops
being a selfish...

Aw, man!

Now worldstarhiphop
won't take that video.

3, 2, 1.
Let there be light.

It is I,

the real Clete,

who knows how to conduct himself
when things go south onstage.

Plague, you do not have to feel
guilty for what you've done.

I should feel guilty.

I devastated Pete.
I ruined his life.

Only a terrible person would do that.

Maybe I don't deserve love.

Penny, stop. You're a good person.
All right?

A bad person would've
married him anyway

and ridden the couch with
him into middle age.

Sitting in silence, watching
reruns of "Becker,"

and originals of the reboot of "Becker"

called "New adventures of old Becker."

- I'd watch that.
- Yeah, eye on the ball, buddy.

Oh. Right.

But take it from a guy.
You did him a favor.

You didn't want to spend the
rest of your life with him.

Now he's free to find
someone who does.

Really?

Yeah, really.

Pete will get over
this, and so will you.

In the long run, it'll
all be for the best.

Brighter days ahead, Pen.

Don't you lose her, David.
Don't you lose her!

So you're saying people should...

- Oh, my God. She's crazy.
- Um...

Little help here, Dave!

Ooh! Smoke!

I'm gonna get out of here.

"Prometheus"?

More like "amateur-metheus.
" Am I right?

- Am I right?
- No.

"Amateur-metheus.
" Gold.

- Okay.
- Gold?

Hey, how much does that thing... dink!

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Ah!

Look at that.

Yeah. Let's see what kind of gems
are in this treasure chest. Whoo!

David, always remember...

don't call a person "sailor" unless

you're absolutely positive
that person's a sailor.

Ooh!

Oh, yeah, you do that all the time.

You do that all the time.
That's the worst one.

Ooh! New downstairs
hair design idea...

double lightning bolt.
Win-win.

All right, I think we've
all had a nice window...

personal note... I really,
really love my friends...

Aw, Dave!

in the following order...

- What's that?
- Wait a minute.

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