All language subtitles for Happy Endings s03e15 The Straight Dope.eng

So you're saying that if
filmmaker Kathryn Bigelow

married and divorced
former wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow,

then married Deuce Bigelow,
she'd be known as

Kathryn Bigelow-Bigelow-Bigelow
Male Gigolo?

Yes. And if Kathryn and Bam Bam
had a one-night stand four-way

with Andrew Ridgeley
and George Michael,

then that would be a wham bam,
thank you, wham, with Bam Bam

and Kathryn Bigelow-Bigelow-
Bigelow-Bigelow Male Gigolo.

Right.

But what I asked was,
"who's hungry?"

- I could eat a sub.
- Oh, yeah. I could always eat.

Okay. I thought you idiots
were going to the Bulls game?

We tried to scalp tickets,

but Dave's "instincts"
kicked in.

I won these at a church raffle,

so you can just have them
for face value.

He's a cop! Deal's off, pig!

- I told you. Chicago PD has
a jump street unit. - Ugh.

We gotta watch the game here.

Well, you're gonna have to
take it up

with the little one over there.

Consider your TV
Liam Neeson's daughter,

'cause this bitch is taken.

And your remote is also
Liam Neeson's daughter

'cause this bitch
is taken, too.

Why don't you just watch TV
at your place?

We don't have cable anymore.

Deal's off, pig!

Well, in fairness to Dave,
he has been overly suspicious

ever since he accidentally
got on that bangbus.

Everyone, quiet!
"Baby Justice" is on.

Oh! This is that show about
a sassy toddler named Justice

who's also the honorary sheriff
of a small town in Ohio.

The tagline is, "I'm gettin'
too old for this poop."

Talk to me.

Where's my gun?

Uhh!

Well, that crap is PBS

compared to the other stuff
she watches,

which is basically

people just getting hit
in the sac for cash and prizes.

It's funny 'cause
we're a nation in decline.

"Baby Justice" isn't garbage.

President Obama watches it.

That was an "SNL" sketch.

Look, guys,

I may not read the paper
or know what an ira glass is,

but I have depth.

I will have you know
that I am an avid journaler.

Oh, I gotta get my mitts
on this.

I have been waiting my whole
life for this moment. Thank you.

Wait a minute. This is just a series
of top ten lists.

Coolest smells.
Celebrity crushes.

Favorite time of day?

Ohh. 4-way tie for first.

Naptime is on there twice?

Everyone needs two naps per day.

Honorable mention
for "beer o'clock."

This is serious journalism.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

And that's where the term
"downbeat" comes from.

- Cool.
- Oh.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wow, I was way off.

Oh, man.
Thumb-face Larry is here.

Ugh! Oh, that guy is
so annoying.

How many times
am I gonna have to hear the story

about how he test-drove
a volt?

And I hate how
he's always trying

to check the label on my shirt
to see where it's from.

Yeah, plus he's bad in bed.

I've heard.

- Ah.
- Oh.

- From people.
- Mm.

- Who are me.
- Wait!

You slept
with Thumb-face Larry?!

First of all,
I blame beer goggles.

But he was
the last gay guy in the bar,

so I do have to blame
queer goggles.

And he did give me
a piece of his bagel,

- so I do have to also blame
schmear goggles. - Mnh.

Look, I've just been trying
to avoid him ever since.

- Oh, well, I think he just spotted you.
- Mm.

Oh, man.

Okay, act like we're in some
sort of in-depth conversation

so that he doesn't feel the need
to come over here and interject.

- Of course.
- We got you, buddy.

Traitors!

Uh, uh... hey. Hey! Hey.

Uh, sorry to do this,
but would you mind, uh,

pretending to have
a fake conversation with me

so that someone doesn't
come over here and talk to me?

Okay. Uh, what should
we pretend to talk about?

I don't know.
Our fake marriage?

- We're married?
- D-- uh, dating.

- For how long?
- Three years.

We're not married yet?

Can't we just have
one fake conversation

without you talking about
marriage all the time?

Hey, Brad. Hey, Penny.

- I love that shirt, Brad.
- Where's it from?

Come on.

J-- hey!
Get your thumbs off me, Larry!

God! Structure.

So crisp.

Thanks.

Then it's settled.

Next Valentine's Day,

we will meet at the top
of the Empire State Building,

and when I don't show up, you will jump.

Okay, this has got to be
the weirdest way

a guy's ever tried
to hit on me,

and honestly, I don't hate it.

Oh!

- This happens a lot. I'm not
actually, um-- - Hey, listen.

I get great seats to
tons of stuff through my job.

Would you wanna go
to the Bulls game tomorrow?

- The Bulls game?
- Yeah.

With a beautiful woman?
Y-- uh...

I'd have to be gay
to say "no" to that.

Just to be clear, I am not gay,

and yes, I do wanna go
to the Bulls game.

So... this is
definitely weird.

Yeah, and I know
I'm not dreaming,

'cause if I were,
everyone would be me.

Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

I'm finished with the Metro
section. Help yourself.

Okay. All right. I'll bite.

Whatcha doin', Al?

Well, I thought about
what you guys said,

and you're right, okay?

I've been polluting my mind
with tabloid magazines

and entertaining television.

So from now on, I am
only gonna read newspapers

and watch TV shows where
white guys sit behind big desks.

That is it.

Okay.

- Cool.
- Good luck with that.

What? You don't think
I can do it?

No. We think you can do it.

There's just no way
that you will.

And also... you can't.

Come on, let's face it, Al.
You lose focus more often

than that camera I told Jane
not to buy.

- Eight years. It's been eight years.
- I told you not to buy it.

You guys don't know
what you're talking about.

All right, Al,
remember that time

that you tried to watch
the AFI top 100 comedies,

and you gave up

when Harold and Maude didn't
make it to White Castle?

Or... remember that time
when you almost married Dave?

Yeah, remember that?

This time it's different,
okay? I'm serious.

I'm as serious as this mess
in Washington. Am I right?

What? Am I not right? I'm only
halfway through the article.

Check out how dope my seats
at the Bulls game were.

That's Carlos Boozer's knee.

That's Rip Hamilton's thigh.

That's the security guard's hand
from when he took my phone

because apparently
upshort pictures are not allowed

at the United Center.

- Hmm.
- So this girl took you to a Bulls game,

you went for drinks after,
then you walked her home.

Sounds like a date.

Good. That's what
I'm going for.

Wait. Did you get off the "D" train
and transfer to the "V" train

at Grand Sexual Station?

Guys, come on.

Gay. Straight.

Human sexuality is a--
is a rich mosaic with vivid--

So you're using her
for Bulls tickets?

Some would say
that she's using me.

Of course,
those people would be wrong,

and the more accurate
description

is that I'm using her.

Max!

I'm doing her a favor.

Who would you rather her date,
some 24-year-old jager hound

who's only using her
for her body?

I would rather her date

some sophisticated,
older gay man.

- And who might that be now?
- Really?

Okay, as someone who's dated
enough gay guys

to earn the nickname
"will she ever learn?",

I cannot allow you to
keep wasting this girl's time.

- Wasting her time?!
- She'll figure it out.

She's young. She's hot.

That makes it worse, Max!

There are a limited number
of hot chicks out there.

And on behalf of

the 24-year-old jager hounds
who don't have a voice,

I also object.

How dare you, sirs...

telling me who I can
and can't love?

I am just glad

that the gay guy
that Sean Penn played in "Milk"

is not around to hear this.

You mean Harvey Milk?

I saw "Yes Man" instead.

Ohh.

Look at that little girl
reading that great big book!

"The Global Financial Crisis,
A Macroeconomic Perspective."

Jumping right into the deep end,
no floaties.

I'll be honest, it's tough.

I'm having a hard time
following some of it.

Well, if you're lookin' for
the 4-1-1 on the GFC,

look no further than

the University of Dave Rose,
Champaign-Urbana.

Here's what you need to know.

The economy is like this great,
big unpoppable bubble.

Wait. I don't think
that lines up

with what I just learned
about the economy...

or what I've always known
about bubbles.

Yes, it is
a complicated matter.

Okay, you see,
you have Fannie and Freddie.

They might be
brother and sister.

Let me back up.

At the end of "Trading Places,"

they're selling
frozen orange juice futures.

That-- you know what?
Let me back up again.

Eddie Murphy was fresh off
"48 hrs."

Okay, let me stop you
right there.

I'm sorry. Am I moving
too quickly for you?

Dave...

no offense, but it just seems
like you're bundling

a bunch of your worthless ideas
and trying to pass them off

the same way the banks did
with mortgage-backed securities.

Hmm.

I guess some of this
is sinking in.

Dear God, what did that mean?

Ugh. Another text from Max.

It's a picture
of him and Katie at the game.

Wait. They have seats
next to John Cusack's mom?

- No, that's John Cusack.
- Oh.

I cannot believe
Max is getting away with this.

It is so unfair to that girl.

And it's unfair to whoever has
that seat behind his giant head.

We have to tell Katie he's gay.

Oh, that seems mean.

Okay, well, then let's use
the gay stuff Max does

to create a trap
and force him to out himself.

All right.

What are the gay things
Max does?

Okay. Hmm.

Oh! Doesn't he spend hundreds of
dollars on lotions and creams?

No, that's me.

Ooh!
What about that binder he has

full of pictures
of men's goatees?

- That's Dave.
- Mm.

But he does have that
giant collection of gay porno.

- Weirdly, that's Alex.
- Oh.

And every time I ask her why,
she just says...

"Hey, I don't smoke
but I have ashtrays."

You know, I'm starting to think

Max is the least gay
of all of us.

What a fresh character.

Except for the one
really gay thing he does.

Sex with men?

That's exactly what
I was referring to!

Oh!

I wish there was a way
we could use that.

Hey, Max! You remember
Thumb-face Larry.

I mean, regular Larry.

Hey, Max. I love that shirt.

Where is it from?

- Oh, come on! Oh!
- Enough for that.

- Okay.
- Okay. So...

thanks for stopping by,

but you guys gotta
get going now.

Max! Are these your friends?

- Uh...
- I think it's safe to call these two

"more than friends."
Am I right, Lar?

Well, we did spend
a magnificent night together.

Yes, coming up
with business ideas.

Business ideas?

I-I thought we had
something special.

So did I, but the market
didn't like it.

And the market--
she's a fickle lady.

We made love in your shower.

Is the title of the track
that we produced together,

which we thought would go

- straight to the top of the charts.
- Oh, I remember that track.

Just sounded like
a couple of dudes having sex.

Everybody's a critic,
ain't they? Huh?

Oh, hey! Larry, look!

That guy's wearing
two different shirts!

I wish there was a way
that we could find out

where each one of them
was from.

- I have a way.
- Yeah?

You got some nerve on you.

Well, that was weird.

Weird alert.

Yeah. I didn't know Max had
a business partner.

She still doesn't know.

I wonder
if I should invite Larry

to the Bulls game tomorrow?

I have a third ticket.
It's right behind the bench.

Aw, Katie, the thing is,
Max is--

Really insistent on not mixing
business with pleasure.

But I'll go to the game
with you guys.

Great!

What are
you doing? What about the truth?

Oh. Right.

Um, Max and Penny used to date,

and she's still
in love with him,

so any, like, wild claims
she makes should instantly

be dismissed as the ravings
of a jealous mad woman.

- No. See, okay--
- Awkward.

No, it's not awkward, actually,
because it's not true.

- But, see, Max is gay.
- Ohh.

Sad, sad Penny.

I'm sorry.

No, don't you feel sorry for me.
I feel sorry for you!

- Aw, now she's projecting.
- I've been there.

What? I'm engaged. I don't care.

- How come I've never met him?
- Okay.

Now should we eat at the game
or go for steaks after?

- I vote both.
- Both, yeah.

Go, Bulls!

You don't understand.
Alex has gotten way smarter.

It's possible
she's even smarter than me.

Until last week,

you thought people in the army
wore "camel-flage."

Makes sense.
Camels are good at blending in.

Anyway, she's out of control.

I can't say or do anything
without her correcting me.

I can't live like this. We gotta
get her back on the sauce.

All the old shows.

I'm talking
fatsos in small spaces,

real housewives
in various locations,

idiots giving roses
to other idiots.

I actually think
it's gonna be nice to have

a little intellectual discourse
with my sister.

Okay, fine.

If you won't help me
make her dumber,

then I'm gonna help me
make me smarter.

So if you'll excuse me, I have
some library books to read.

Your truck's on fire.

Why did I put the books
next to the grill?

Why did I put the books
next to the grill?!

Oh, God! Oh, dear God! Oh, God!

I cannot wait to hear about all
the new stuff you're learning.

But let's order first.

I'm thinking about the ribs.

Oof! Ribs for lunch.
No, too heavy.

I'm gonna have the salmon.

You get the beet salad,
and we'll share.

You can pick the dressing,

and long it's on the side
and in the vinaigrette family.

You know what?
I'll pick the dressing.

Classic controlling Jane.

No, I'm not controlling.
I'm just aggressively helpful.

Jane, it's okay.
And obsessive need to control

is actually quite common
in older siblings.

I'm reading all about it

in a fascinating book
on birth order.

That is a...
interesting theory.

Yeah. It's an unconscious
attempt to regain

the status you felt you lost
when I was born.

It's why you dye your hair, it's
why you hate wearing long pants,

and it's why... well,
don't even get me started

on the whole
interracial marriage thing.

That is mom-sense.

- Mm?
- I mean, nonsense.

I mean, I-I don't...

The new baby

doesn't have to wear
the big girl pants.

- I know.
- Are you all set to order?

Yes. I'm gonna have the ribs,
and she'll also have the ribs.

That way, we can share.

- We're gonna share ribs.
- Thank you.

So you are throwing a party
for smart people.

Actually...

a salon is a type of gathering

popularized
in 18th century France,

where writers, artists,
and intellectuals would meet

to refine their tastes
through conversation.

Oh, sounds fun. I wish I could,
but I have... stuff.

Tonight is gonna be
a veritable who's who

of people who respond
to fliers they see

on community college
bulletin boards.

Well, you seem to have
the hot hand intellectually.

What should I do about
my Max situation?

Sorry, Penny.
I can't help you.

But I do know someone who can--
Sun Tzu.

Dave's friend who always tries
to sell me yarn?

Oh, Penny.

- Classic Alex.
- What?

Sun Tzu. "The Art Of War."

Turn your weakness
into your strength.

As Max's crazy ex,
you have intimate knowledge

of the one thing
he does not want to do.

Exercise? Bathe? Kill spiders?

Hold farts in? Not eat sugar
directly out of the bag?

Have sex with a woman?
Touch corduroy?

Oh, it's touch corduroy! Dee!

- No! It was "have sex with a woman."
- Damn it!

Use your knowledge of
Max's repulsion to lady parts

against him.

Wow.

You and your Chinese buddy
are good.

Hey, Al!

Look what we got.

Wait. Is it
"have got" or "have gotten"?

Damn it. I've forgotten
how to use grammar.

All right, keep
it together. She can smell fear.

DVDs.

We have "Wipeout," "Jackass,"

and a Japanese game show

where you carry
your best friend's cat

through a room full of dogs.

Sounds so fun.

While we're here,
I'm gonna have you take

a quick whiff
of this modeling glue,

see if it's gone bad.

- All this seems strange.
- Not really.

They're just intimidated
by my growing intellect,

and they want the old Alex back.

Listen, clowns,
I got news for you.

I like the way I am now,
and I'm not gonna change,

so deal with it.

Oh.
This glue smells fine to me.

Mmm. Trees.

Oh, God. All righty.

Okeydokey.

So I heard Katie's
taking you and Max

to the Jay-Z concert
on Saturday night.

- That sounds fun.
- Yep. It's his last retirement tour...

before his next
last retirement tour.

Wait. How do you know that?

Oh, Katie told me...
when I invited her here.

When you what now?

- Hey, guys!
- Hi there!

There's my little sweetie.

Hey.

Penny, what are you doing?

You're not gonna
embarrass yourself again

by making a bunch of
jealous accusations, are you?

Actually, I invited Katie here
to apologize.

You were right, Brad. I do have
unresolved feelings for Max,

and that's why I was
talking so cray.

Okay. Uh--

They're not feelings up here...
or here.

More like... down here.

- Oh.
- Real talk-- Max gave me

the most world view-shattering
sex of my life.

Eh-squeeze?

Katie knows what I'm talking
about. Am I right, girl?!

Actually,
we've been taking it slow.

Well, that explains why
you still have your voice.

You haven't lost it yet
from screaming.

- Ugh. - Tell you the truth,
we haven't even kissed yet.

But we have done something
Max calls "forekissing."

Nice. Nice.

Aw!

Boop, boop, boop.

Oh. Oh.

You were amazing.

Oh, sure. That move.

He calls that back later.
And when he does,

be prepared to purchase
a whole new bedroom set.

All of it?

Oh. Well... I do like sex,

and I hate
my current bedroom furniture.

Then make a move, girl!

- Do not wait.
- Or a-keep a-waiting.

At least until
after the Jay-Z concert,

'cause you're gonna wanna have
full range of motion,

pelvicly speaking.

Uh, I think I'm gonna opt

for the world view-shattering
sex instead.

- Yeah, girl!
- Hey, now!

Ahh.

Max, it's an emergency!
Open up!

Hey, Brad.

Ugh. Larry?

Really?

What? I needed
to blow off some steam.

I've been forekissing all week.

Besides, he doesn't look
that much like a thumb.

- I look like a thumb?
- Whoops.

Not now, Larry. A little.

Listen, man,
we have a situation.

Your girlfriend's gonna try
and have sex with you.

Ah! Well, I fold.

Too rich for my blood.

Hey, hey! No, no, no!

Come on, man,
you can't quit now!

The Jay-Z concert's
in three days!

You're right.

- You're right. I can do this.
- Yes!

- It's just sex with a woman.
- Right?

- Straight guys do it all the time.
- I did it this morning.

And I can do anything
I set this mind to.

Lady butt.

Gross! Why are they so weird
and hairless?

All right, we have work to do.

Um...

Va...

Testicles.

All right.

Fallopian...

Dudes.

Which is why I think

our understanding of
the subconscious will evolve

the more we learn about

- the cognitive structures of the brain.
- Very true.

You know, I was reading
about Freud,

and his theory
on the subconscious

was fascinating.

Freud?

Excuse me, 1897 wired.

They'd like
their antiquated notions back.

Well, they can't have 'em.
You know what I mean?

No, I don't.

Anyway, the prefrontal cortex
houses broca's area,

so we get to choose our...

This is really romantic.

So romantic.

- You know what else is romantic?
- What?

- DVDs.
- Ooh.

I got "Schindler's List."
We could watch that.

Okay.

I got a documentary
on female circumcision,

and I got a home movie
that I made

that's just a bunch of scenes
of old men buying fruit.

So... we're in for
a pretty steamy night.

Mmm. Speaking of steamy,

I feel like it's...
it's hot in here, right?

It's kind of... yeah...

Usually, this apartment...

- A little hot, I feel.
- ...is drafty.

I feel like it.

- Oh, you brought those.
- There are these.

You know what else is sexy?

This compression sleeve.

- Mm?
- What do you say

we just strap this over your yabbos?

Flatten those perky things out?

- What?
- What?

- Forget that.
- Oh.

- Let's take it back to one.
- Okay.

Okay, here I come.

I'm sorry. I'm gay.

Of course you are.

I had a feeling.

Why have you been
going out with me then?

At first, it was just 'cause of
your sweet-ass Bulls tickets.

But... but then, Katie,
I got to know you,

and it was still just about
your sweet-ass Bulls tickets.

It's true what they say.

All the good ones
are either taken or gay.

Um, okay,
you're not a good one.

You're a liar,
and you have my mom's body.

So good-bye, Max.

Are we still going to
the Jay-Z concert?

If we are, don't say anything!
Just slam the door!

I hate myself sometimes.

Hey, Larry.

- Hey, Al.
- Hi.

We've been looking for you.

Why aren't you out at
your party?

You guys were right.

The smart world is not for me.

No, we were wrong.

We think it's great
that you're bettering yourself,

and we should've been
more supportive.

Yeah, we kinda suck.

But those people...

I mean, you mix up
the in and the ego one time,

and they are all over you.

Well, in your defense, those are
two similar-looking fish.

- Oh.
- That's not right, is it?

- No.
- Okay.

It's too bad,

'cause I enjoyed knowing stuff
about things.

But on the bright side, I get to
catch up on my shows.

I wonder if Baby Justice

ever brought down
that dogfighting ring.

You know, you don't have to
choose one world or the other.

Yeah. You can be smart
and still watch crap.

I mean, just do what
everyone else does

and like it ironically,

when really
there's no difference

between that
and actually liking it.

You had me at "watch crap,"

then you lost me
at "ironically,"

then I just got hungry.

- She's back. She's back!
- Oh. Oh! She's back!

So what do you say? You wanna
get back to your party?

I got a better idea.

Get out, nerds!

Ooh!

He got it in the nads!

Right in the nuts.

Bye.

- Maxy, did you learn your lesson?
- Oh, yeah.

Next time I pretend to be
straight for free Bulls tickets,

I gotta tell 'em right off
the bat I can't have sex

because my penis has been cursed
by a witch.

Yeah, super believable.

Do not try and top that.

- I won't.
- 'Cause you can't.

- Hey, guys.
- Katie. What are you doing here?

I'm taking you
to the Jay-Z concert.

Awesome. Really?

No, fat ass.
I'm bringing Penny!

Aw!

She called you a fat ass.

You see, we bonded over
all the gay guys we've dated.

But those days are behind us.
In fact, I'm seeing this new guy and

he's coming to the
concert tonight.

- Ohh!
- You gotta meet him.

- Congratulations. That's really...
- Derek...

Drama.

Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
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