All language subtitles for Happy Endings s03e08 Fowl PlayDate.eng

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.

You remember my super racist parrot Tyler.

- Hi, Tyler!
- What's up?

Best entrance ever, girl.

I realized that Tyler was just racist

'cause he didn't have any other
interests other than racism.

- So I got him into baseball.
- I hate the Indians.

Yeah, he's a big white Sox fan.

I hate Native Americans, too.

On behalf of all Navajo Cubs
fans, I say not cool, bird.

Now why would you bring
your bird into a diner?

Wait. I don't know why I'm surprised.

I once saw you put sunscreen on a grape

'cause you didn't want
it to become a raisin.

I'm taking Tyler home from my store

because I'm going to the Rom-Com con.

This weekend, I am gonna be rubbing elbows

with the who's who of romantic comedy.

Ooh! On Saturday, there's
a special appearance

- by Julia Roberts...
- Oh.

Impersonator, former Kentucky
derby winner, Pretty Woman.

Still a big get.

It's gonna be awesome, all right?

Are you sure you don't want to go, Brad?

It's in Detroit.

Ooh! Detroit!

Sorry. Money's tight. Had
to cut back on all my cons.

Rom-Com con,

Chaka Khan con,

Bond con...

James Bond con.

I wish they had conventions
for stuff I like,

like "Miss Saigon" con or butter pecan con.

Oh, how about a con for the drunk guy

that's about to get into a fight?

"Oh, it's on" con.

Oh! What about a con for
the guy that's about to get

into a fight with that drunk guy?

"Oh, it's on" con? "Oh, it's
on con like 'Donkey Kong'" con."

What about one for the girl
who's throwing the party,

doesn't want those guys to
mess up her parents' house,

so "damn it, Ron,

why can't you and Jon
fight out on the lawn-con?"

Ohh!

Whoa!

Oh, you know, I've got one, too.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, please. Get in on this.

Shut the (Bleep) up.

- Huh?
- Huh.

Uh... oh.

- Ah.
- Con?

- That's good, man.
- Yeah.

- That's good. That's really good.
- That's good.

- A little hostile. It's a little hostile, but it's good.
- Yeah.

- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Guys, I wrote a song for Alex

because I'm gonna miss
her so much this weekend,

so let me know what you think.

Oh, you're just gonna...
you're just gonna play it

- right here in the middle of...
- Right... right here in the bar.

Sorry.

That is an odd way to phrase that.

I thought so, too. "Back to
me" instead of "home to me"?

I gotta tell you, bro,

writing some lame song
for a skeeze skank...

- That's my girlfriend.
- That's weak sauce.

You gotta be like me. Fly
solo. Love is an illusion.

It's like my friend prison
Johnny always says to me

through the glass... "Don't
get attached to anything

that you can't walk
away from in 30 seconds

if the heat starts a-coming."

Isn't that last part just a
quote from the movie "Heat"?

Actually, no, David. It's a direct quote

from my original screenplay

"Heat 2: It's getting hot up in hurr."

And, yes, I wrote an original screenplay

because I have all the
alone time in the world.

Thank you for rubbing it in.

Max. Max!

Excuse me, people enjoying each other.

Wow.

That is what 275 pounds
of lonely looks like.

Yeah. He's not having much luck
in the dude department lately.

We need to set him up with someone.

Yes.

Oh! I got the perfect guy.

Please. You don't know
how to set anyone up.

I am a master matchmaker.

I have brokered three marriages...

one against their
will... but you know what?

Sanjay is gonna learn to
love Padma... eventually.

Well, your guy, my guy...
doesn't really matter.

All that matters is that Max is happy.

Of course. Let's let him decide
to probably choose my guy.

- My guy.
- My guy.

- My guy. My guy. My guy. My guy.
- My guy. My guy. My guy. My guy.

I'm not gonna do this
with you. This is childish.

And unlike you, I don't have to be the one

who gets in the last word.

Yeah! Aah!

My guy.

Al, Dave just texted.

He's picking you up in ten
minutes to go to the airport.

He says, "get ready to come...

downstairs because there's no parking."

- That's an odd way to phrase that.
- Isn't it?

- Tell him Annie Hall will be right down.
- Oh.

- Check it!
- Oh!

I'm totally gonna win the
costume contest this year.

- You look great.
- And I can do the impression.

Oh, boy. La-dee-da.
La-dee-da.

Oh, jeez. Woody Allen.

You look great.

Al, here are a couple of...

dozen things I need you to
get signed and authenticated,

you know, if you have time.

Whoa. That is a lot of stuff.

I'm gonna go get my camping duffel.

Sweet.

Brad, you have an alarming
amount of memorabilia.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- This is just Overboard.

It's not just "Overboard."

It's the unseen director's
cut of "Overboard"...

- Ooh.
- Where Goldie Hawn doesn't learn her lesson in the end

and decides to be rich
and alone. It's priceless.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah? Priceless?
- Give me the tape.

Um, no. No. No.

Give me my VHS!

Oh, no!

- My tape.
- Oh. This is the plate

that Alex made of her
hand when we were little.

- Oh, no.
- She loves this plate.

She still eats birthday
cake off it every night.

What are we gonna... wait. She
eats birthday cake every night?

Just blow past that.
Okay, look, let's hide it,

- and then we'll fix it after she's gone.
- Right.

And don't worry. No one will
even know that you broke it.

E-squeeze? You broke it, Penny.

Uh, counter-squeeze. You broke it, Brad.

What?!

You broke it, Brad. You broke it, Penny.

A witness.

Sorry, guys. This is all I could find.

You broke it, Brad. You broke it, Penny.

Wait. What did he say?

He said I broke, uh, the glass ceiling.

That's right. I'll climb that
corporate ladder in a skirt.

And I don't even care who looks up it,

'cause I keep my yard tidy.

And those are my choices.
You know, equality.

Yeah, and, uh, I... I broke the record...

For, um, having the shortest temper.

Now you better go on that damn trip!

Get out of here, you.

- Okay, bye!
- Pissing me off.

Better go have some fun right now!

Have fun. Bye.

You guys.

- Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.
- Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

What do you idiots want?

How did you know we were here?

I smell testosterone. And, Dave,
you smell like peppers, bud.

Oh.

- Max...
- Mm.

Dave and I couldn't help but
notice that you were acting

like a lonely little bitch the other night.

I am not lonely. I was just venting.

I say a lot of things I don't
mean, like "I'll pay you back"

or "I'm good to drive."

Come on, Max. We want to set you up.

I got a great guy... Ben.

He's in my drum and my jerk circle.

- What now?
- It's my amateur jerky-making group.

So it's when you and a
bunch of your chef friends

bring your meat down to a
circle and just jerk together?

That's it, exactly.

Anyway, my guy is the ta-tas.

He's in my spin class, he's an I-banker,

and he drives a crossover
vehicle, so yeah, he's white.

Okay. My guy, Jane's guy...

It doesn't matter. We
just want you to be happy.

But my guy is better.

Exactly. Let us make you happy with my guy.

My guy.

I am so happy.

I am quite fulfilled.

In fact, I actually have

a very busy weekend ahead of me.

Oh, no.

Uh, what are you... what
are you doing this weekend?

Well, if you must know,

I'm about to mount an
all-dead-fly-from my-windowsill

production of "pippin," so...

Yeah. I'm into whatever
you guys got cooking.

Yes!

- Yay.
- No.

You broke it, Brad. You broke it, Penny.

- Come on!
- Brad, don't worry about Tyler.

We glue this baby back together,

and it won't matter
what that damn bird says.

Ugh. Where'd you get this stuff?

These glue fumes are
making me feel all gooey.

It's from my super.
It's industrial strength.

He said he only says he
uses it to forget the past...

Three school buses he crashed.

- What?
- It's perfect.

Wait. Alex did this when she was 5?

Her hands were gigantic.

Okay, Alex, give me your hand.

Et voil?.

You can barely tell it was broken.

- Right?
- We did it!

Yeah! Ha! Ha!

Suck it, Tyler.

Oh!

Taking a nap, buddy?

Tuckered out from all that racism?

Someone's pooped. Someone's pooped.

Ty-Ty's a little
ti-ti, aren't you?

Looks like our little baby-waby
goo-goo... goo Ty-Ty bobo...

He's dead.

- Oh, my God!
- Aah!

Come on. Clear. Huh.

Clear!

Oh! You can't just poke him
with a pencil and say "clear."

We need defibrillators.

Well, I don't have bird
defibrillators, now do I, Penny?

I saw 'em in the Skymall catalog,

but no, I just had to
get my marshmallow gun.

Damn you, Brad! Damn you to hell!

Face it, Brad. Tyler's dead.

Yeah, 'cause your stupid glue killed him.

And now Alex is gonna
totally know it's our fault

when she reads the bird autopsy.

Ow! That's not a real thing!

- Fudge.
- Now I need you to shush so I can think.

Okay. We need to cover this
up. We need to cover this up.

What would Kerry
Washington do in "Scandal"?

Demand to see the president,
then almost make out with him.

Exactly.

I know.

We make it seem like he
flew out of the window.

That's brilliant! Why
didn't I think of that?

Oh, right, because his
wings are clipped, you dunce!

Ow!

But if his wings are clipped,
we can make it look like

he fell out of the window.

Now that's brilliant.

You know, the first two slaps
I get... no notes on those...

But the third? Like, our
ideas were pretty similar.

If anything, I got us in the area.

Congratulations, Brad.

You pitched an area.

Hey, dum dums. So you
remember how you two dum dums

pitched me the idea of setting me up,

and at first, I was like,
"what a couple of dum dums"?

But I think I might've
found a guy I really like.

Really?

Oh, hell, yeah!

Which is why I came over
here to give you each...

A choice bottle of wine to say thank you.

Then I remembered those choice
bottles of wine I speak of...

I stole them from that wine rack.

So mentioning wine at all would just

raise more questions than
the gesture was worth.

Uh, I'm over here biting
my nails. Who'd you choose?

Did you choose Ben or Jamie?

Can I get a drumroll, please?

Neither of 'em. Did not
care for either of 'em.

But during the second disaster of a date,

I did meet a supercute
bartender named Marcus.

We have all the same interests.

Love Ryan Reynolds, hate
Ryan Reynolds' movies.

So I'm seeing him tonight.

- Yay!
- Yay!

That is awesome.

Thanks, guys. Thank you.

Thrilled for you, Max.

But can we just put it
in reverse for a sec...

and just go back to that
little thing about you

not really caring for either of our guys?

Uh, specifically, my guy Ben.

Hmm. Ben. Yeah.

You know, Ben just wasn't my type.

He also weirdly reminded me of someone.

You get John Mayer's latest?

That guy starts at love and just floors it.

- Wow.
- I love the shape of your face.

Whoa.

I mean, that line is a boxer-dropper

if ever I heard one.

But who is it... who is it
that... that he reminds you of?

Well, it seems like Dave's
guy has deuced the futon.

- Oh.
- But what could possibly be wrong with my guy?

Jamie? He just wasn't my type either,

to tell you the truth.

- He also reminded me of someone.
- Really?

I've taken the liberty of
writing up our date itinerary.

It's laminated, so no worries
if you spill salsa on it.

But don't.

Seriously, don't.

- A laminated itinerary is just good planning.
- Is it?

- Huh.
- But that is not what matters.

What matters is that you
and your new friend... Marcus

are happy.

So jazzed for you.

So jazzed for you, Max.

Great. Well, I got to skedaddle.

Meeting Marcus later.

And let me tell you, I plan on
wining, dining, and 79ing him.

And, yes, if you're
wondering, that is ten better.

Oh. Ooh.

All right, Brad, let's
get our stories straight.

Tired of Alex's diverse group of friends,

Tyler finally decided
to make a break for it.

- Okay.
- Leaving behind

this trail of feathers, he
made his way to the window,

pausing only to poo

on this "Newsweek" with Obama on the cover.

Butt full of bigotry.

Then he pecked through the screen,

leaving behind this...

cartoonish, parrot-shaped hole?

Brad, you had one job.

Maybe I made enough room for
my conscience to fit through.

Ugh. Okay, whatever.

He pecked through the screen,
tried to fly, but couldn't,

and then fell to his death.
It's the perfect crime.

Wow. Now the only thing left is one of us

needs to toss this guy into
the dumpster. Nice and easy.

Yep, just, uh, take that nasty, dead bird

and throw him in the trash. Easy-peasy.

Ew! Ew! Ew!

Oh.

To Max and his new guy Marcus.

So, so, so, so happy for Max.

You know what thought I
just cannot shake, though,

is how did Max and Jamie not hit it off?

Delete Jamie and replace him with Ben,

and you've got what's
going on inside my noodle.

I mean, tether me back to earth here,

but Jamie is a catch.

Great legs, awesome
take charge personality.

Max needs that.

And call me crazy, but
Ben is a dream, right?

I mean, describeme loco,

but what is Max thinking?

I mean, up is down,
acoustic guitars are lame,

Mayer is bad?

I mean, when did we all turn on Mayer?

Well... pretty much right off the bat.

But you know, the more we
talk about Ben and Jamie,

the more I see that you
and I, without realizing it,

set Max up with two guys
that are exactly like...

two of the best dudes in town.

Thank you. And who is this Marcus guy?

I mean, that name...

Oh. God, it sounds black.

Which is the only thing I like about it.

Otherwise, I hate that guy.

But... we are missing the point.

Max is happy.

Yes. That is all that matters.

Max is happy.

To Max.

Still...

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

How can you eat bird right now?

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

All I hear is Tyler.

You killed me...

but a white guy would've killed me better.

Maybe we should just confess to Alex.

Hey, lady, the only way we get caught

is if you blow this for us,
so just keep it together.

Fine. I won't sing.

But there's no way anyone
in the world is stupid enough

to believe that bird fell out the window.

Guys, my bird fell out the window!

Tyler's dead.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

What a terrible accident, I'm assuming.

I have no idea what happened.
The screen was popped open,

there was feathers everywhere.

He dropped some farewell
heat on my Obama "Newsweek."

Wow. Not the "Newsweek."

Dark days. Dark days.

But you need to move on.

My advice would be to not
ask anyone any questions

about anything at all ever again.

It's called closure.

You know what? You're
right. Yes, you're right.

Sweet, sweet closure.

These are dang good.

Mmm. Of course, the real closure will come

when I get the autopsy report back.

Lord have mercy.

I don't like talking about

my sex dreams that much, but it was me,

Jeff Van Gundy, and Stan Van Gundy.

- No.
- I had Jeff coaching me on defense,

and Stan coaching me on offense.

Max, I didn't know you come here.

We spend half our lives here, Jane.

Me? Just hanging out with Jamie.

Great guy, by the way.

He said he is dying to go
on another date with you,

and then boom, fate takes the wheel

and parallel parks us next to you...

and your doughy friend.

- Whoa.
- Actually, Jane,

you said it was Max who
was dying to go out with me.

Did she now?

Max, are you dating this guy?

Who? Neil Patrick Niles? No.

Max, I did not know that you come here.

You mind if me and Mr. Wonderful circle up?

Yeah, I mind. I mind a lot.

Great. We doing single sangrias

or should I order El carafe?

Ah, se?or. Dos carafes, por favor.

- No carafes.
- None for me.

I don't put Spanish
beverages in French containers

because I'm not... as
you would probably say...

muy gauche.

Plus fruit garnishes carry

more diseases than Kevin
Smith's refrigerator handle.

Okay, what's going on here?

- I can explain, Marcus.
- Allow me.

Our buddy Max here
makes terrible decisions,

but luckily, we know what's best for him.

Well, when you guys decide
who you want Max to date...

just let me know.

No. Come on, Marcus.

Marcus, this is a bit of an overreaction.

I mean, this happens to everybody. Well...

I hope you two idiots are happy.

I told you, I never wanted
to date Jamie or Ben ever.

Harsh barley, bro.

Is it? Is it harsh barley?

What is wrong with Ben and Jamie?

They're you.

- What?
- What?

Are you kidding? Look at yourselves.

I think you got all the germs, guys.

And I got Jack Johnson one
and Jack Johnson two over here.

- Thank you.
- Appreciate it.

I don't know how to make
this any clearer to you guys,

but I would never date anyone
even remotely like you two.

You wanted me to be happy? I almost was,

and then you ruined it.
So if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go home, hard-boil an egg,

and eat it on the toilet.

L'Chaim.

Oops.

Yeah.

Thank you guys so much
for paying your respects.

Tyler would be so touched that you're here.

Well, not you, Brad.

Of course. So, uh...

Did you get the autopsy report or...

Brad, she doesn't want
to talk about that now.

Yeah, but I haven't read
it yet. Just too sad.

Mm. Mm.

Oh. Tyler's friends are here.

White power.

I should go and say hello. Excuse me.

- Be strong, girl.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God. We gotta come clean
now. Please, can we come clean?

- I am so scared.
- Shush!

She will never know anything

if she never reads the autopsy report.

That's why you are gonna
find it and destroy it.

What if it was e-mailed
to her as a P.D.F.?

How do you destroy a
P.D.F.? It's in the clouds.

I don't control the clouds. I'm not Thor!

Shush mouth.

Go. Be a man.

I'll go find it. Uhh!

Well, matchmaker, matchmaker.

You know, I'd storm out right
now if my love for funeral food

wasn't greater than my
hatred for two selfish jerks.

Max, we're sorry that we screwed things up.

I mean, we really do want you to be happy.

Which is why we tracked Marcus down,

explained to him what happened,

and told him he'd be lucky
to date a guy like you.

Wow. You guys, thank you.

That's awesome. What,
should I call him or...

Oh... no.

- Absolutely not.
- No. No. No. No. No.

No, no, no. He was pretty upset.

It actually escalated into
a pretty tense situation.

Dave here threw what
he maintains is a punch,

but it looked more like
a figure-skating twirl,

like a...

Well, it's called a haymaker,

which Marcus promptly turned
into a devastating arm bar,

but the good news is I finally get to get

that Tommy John surgery
I've always wanted, so...

win-win.

Look, we're sorry that
we tried to set you up

with a couple of lame-os like us.

Guys, you're not lame.

I mean, you are lame,

but it's cool. And the reason I don't want

to date anyone like the two of you

is because my pantry's already stocked

with an awesome Dave and a kick-ass Jane

and a rat that can eat
through aluminum cans

that I will kill with these hands.

Hey, bring it in, guys.

Mm. Mm.

Tommy John.

Yes!

- Brad.
- Aah!

Could you please join us?

I'd like to say a few words about Tyler.

Uh-huh.

Everybody, please, join me.

We are all here to remember Tyler,

a huge racist

and an even huger-er friend.

He will be missed.

This is so hard.

His death is particularly troubling to me

because I don't think it was an accident.

I know that there was a human
hand at work in his death.

And that human hand was...

Me! Us. Me and Brad... we did it.

We're so sorry. Tyler was killed

from the glue fumes used
to fix your hand plate.

Also, we broke your hand plate.

- What?
- Also you had huge hands as a kid.

And I'm sorry about that, too.

- Yeah, I know that.
- We're so sorry.

- So big.
- So sorry.

Wait. You guys killed Tyler?

Wait. I thought that's
what you were gonna say.

Who did you think it was?

Me. Before I went to the
Rom-Com con, Tyler and I got

into a big argument about what constitutes

a "celebrity apprentice" all-star.

I said Melissa Rivers.
He said Joseph Goebbels.

I... I don't know. I just
thought he was so upset

that he decided to commit suicide.

I see how you got there.

I can't believe you two.

You killed my parrot with glue fumes?

I said I'm sorry.

Look at this... "Cause
of death... liver damage."

Real nice, guys.

"Systemic organ failure"? Oh. Lovely.

"Due to excessive alcohol
consumption"? What?

Who gave him alcohol? Huh?

Look at the TV.

You gotta look at that TV, girl. What?

Look at the TV.

Ohh. That.

I had to give Tyler
'ritas. It was taco Tuesday.

He hated Mexicans, but he loved their food.

- Heard that before.
- These hands are clean.

Welp, to Tyler.

- To Tyler.
- Yes.

Hell, no! I will not toast to that bird.

He is racist!

You know, one time he saw
me get out of a town car

and asked me what team I played for?

Sounds like him.

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- www.addic7ed.com -

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