All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat s05e15 Be a Man.eg

[ School bell rings,
indistinct talking ]

Excuse me.
No, Evan. We still haven't heard from Yale

on your obscenely early
admissions request.

They'll come around.

Actually I'm here
because I need to use your phone

to call my mom.
Okay, are you sick, have you soiled yourself,

or do you have a note
saying that you've

recently experienced
the loss of a pet?

I left my recreational reading
at home.

I wanted to finish
"The Art of War"

before my
fencing match today,

and I planned to read
8 1/2 pages at lunch.

I'm gonna mark you down
for "sick".

[ Buttons beeping ]

[ Phone dialing ]

Hello?
Grandma?

I need to talk to Mommy.

Jessica: You don't need
to get me on the phone.

I'm right here.

Mommy? Oh, no.

Am I having
the dream again?

Pinch yourself.
I'm real.

I'm your new principal.

That's not technically
or even remotely true.

The PTA wasn't giving me enough
power over the teachers,

so I'm shadowing
Principal Hunter

to see if I want
to take his job.

A job like mine
at a different school.

Sure.

Grandma:
[ Speaking Chinese ]

Hairy-chested,
like I like them.

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

Eddie is going to be taking you
to your fencing match

since I'm busy
being principal.

Shadowing the principal.
He can bring your war book then.

Great, now there's
gonna be a bunch of drawings

of boobs in it.

Let's get you
back to class, kiddo.

I take the long way
with honor students

so they don't have to walk by
the "In School Suspension" kids.

[ Groaning ]

[ Shudders ]

I don't want kids like Evan

getting bad ideas
from the "trouble bubble".

We should just move the
trouble bubble to the long way

so we, the smart people,
can take the short way.

'Kay, there's no "we".

It's called "shadowing" because
you stay silently behind me,

not giving opinions.

Shadows aren't sentient.

Peter Pan's was.

Good boy.

I'm lending Honey
all our throw pillows

while she goes on bed rest.
-Great idea.

We all need to be
supportive of Honey

until the human inside her
is fully cooked.

Bed rest is just a precaution

because baby number two
is coming so soon after Maria.

Doc wants me to lie low

since my vaginal walls are
structurally compromised --

Doctors!
Been there. Cool, bye.

These pillows are perfect.

I know it's bed rest,
but I'm gonna be on the couch.

Marvin got HBO
to help me pass the time.

-[ Whistles, chuckles ]
-Yeah.

Have you heard of that new show
"The Sopranos"?

It's crazy good.

Like, you want to punch
a wall it's so good.

-Oh, I've heard great things --
-We're not getting HBO.

If I want to see Italians
being ruthless,

I'll just watch the boys
playing "Super Mario Bros."

Well, they're always
airing "The Sopranos".

You should come over
and watch it.

Oh, I would love to,
but I promised my mother

I'd help catch a rat
she saw in her apartment.

Louis!
It's getting worse.

It took the toy!

[ Laughs ]

Jessica:
You are an hour late.

We were supposed
to watch "Mulan".

Yes!
It's about time

Disney made a movie
about Asian people.

Freaking mermaids and lions got
representation before we did.

Well, to be fair,

mermaids and lions were around
before we were.

Well, now the whole schedule
is thrown off.

Evan won his fencing match,
so I took him to the arcade

to celebrate.

I got some nacho cheese
on his mask,

but I'll get it out.

Celebrate?

Evan always wins his matches.

He's undefeated.

Winning is average for him,

and in this family,
we don't celebrate average.

Then why does Dad
do a dance

every time he opens
a pickle jar?

[ Sighs ]

I know you wanted
to come right home,

my perfect little boy.

Remember,
you don't have to go along

with your brother's bad ideas.

Bad ideas? We used his
épée to get quarters out of the change machine.

Go watch "Mulan"
at your grandma's.

And tuck your feet under you!
I don't want you coming back

with rat bites on your toes!
-[ Sighs ]

[ Door closes ]
You should know better than keeping him out all hours.

What's the big deal?
It's the arcade.

And it's 6:00 PM!
That's how it starts!

It goes arcade, pool hall,
drug corner, 7-to-10 in the pen.

3-to-5 with a good attorney.

I just don't want you poisoning
pure, sweet Evan

with your screw-up juice.

Whatever.
I'm gonna go sweep under my bed

for loose CHEETOS.

-All right, that'll work.
-Thanks for helping

with rat supplies, Marvin.
-Yeah.

Last night, it perched
on top of a cabinet

and we got into
a staring contest. [ Laughs ]

I think it winked at me.

Well, I had to get good at
catching rats in my Navy days.

If Cookie got to them first,
it was vermin stew for days.

And he'd say the tiny bones
were quail, but we all knew.

-[ Groans ]
-[ Laughs ]

Truth is,
I'm terrified of rats.

But I can't let my mother
see any sign of weakness.

That woman likes to tease,
and her jibes have teeth.

Yeah, well, some of the meals
Cookie made had teeth, too.

[ Chuckles ]

Say, why don't I help you
catch that rat?

I'd rather do that than
sit and watch any more TV.

Marvin,
are you seeing this?

You mean Allen wrenches
in the ratchet bin?

This place is a damn mess.

No, not that. This!
We should switch!

You mean I catch the rat,
you watch "The Sopranos"?

[ Laughs ]

Genius! Yes!
[ Laughs ]

Okay. All right.

Wait, why are you putting
everything back?

Well, if I'm gonna do
the rat catching,

I want it to be
a fair fight.

[ Basket clatters ]

I'll bare-hand this thing.

[ School bell rings ]

The staff will invite you
to after-work drinks,

but it's just a trap
to get secrets.

I will trick them and drink
water and get all their secrets.

So, maybe we up your sessions.

What's going on here?

Evan was disrupting
his classroom.

Because the other students
are jealous

of his superior knowledge.

The boy can't help that fools
covet his intellect.

No, because he made
repeated fart noises

during Ms. Duggan's lecture
on "Where the Red Fern Grows".

[ Fart noise ]

[ Sighs ]
Where did you get that?

I won it at the arcade.
Eddie helped me pick it out.

[ Scoffs ]
Eddie, of course.

Well, you leave me no choice.
Evan Huang,

you are suspended from all
extra-curricular activities.

But my fencing match tomorrow!

He has a perfect record!

I'm sorry, but this is
the hardest part of the job.

This and breaking up pee fights
in the boys' bathroom.

Evan,
why would you do this?

[ Fart noise ]

Sorry.
She's jammed.

I'll deal with this at home.

You're grounded!

-What?
-Pickles, anyone?

Because the jar...is...open!
[ Chuckles ]

[ Singsong voice ]
I opened the jar.

The jar is open.

You can't ground me!
I didn't do anything wrong!

Oh, you didn't encourage
your brother

to buy a fart machine
and then use it in class?

What?

That's awesome!
What a little gangster!

This is your bad influence.
Eh.

I would've played
that baby over the P.A.,

but, hey,
you gotta start somewhere.

For real.

I'm sorry Evan messed up
at school, and I'm --

I'm sure it's hard for you,
but it's not my fault.

Disagree.

From now on, you're not allowed
to be alone with Evan

without adult supervision.
That means me.

Pickle Man doesn't count.

What?!
That's complete B.S.

So he got in trouble.

Evan could use some trouble
in his life.

It builds character!

Character is for cartoons,

like that wolf who can
never catch that tall bird.

Why do you need an anvil?
Poison his fruit.

Just stay away from Evan.

[ Exhales sharply ]

You know, I saw a wolf
fall off a cliff once!

It was not funny!

Just brushing up on my
New Jersey geography for "The Sopranos".

Don't want any turnpike jokes
going over my head.

It must be so easy
in there.

Look, I'm worried
about Evan, too,

but it all seems
pretty harmless.

It isn't just today.

Evan's 11.

That's the age Eddie was
when we lost him,

and now Evan is walking down
that same dark path.

[ Wind gusts ]

Evan, your eggs are ready!

[ Hip-hop music plays ]

Moms, check it.
Fresh as hell, right?

Mom, check it.
Fresh as hell, right?

[ Music slows ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

**

I can't let that happen.

Tomorrow,
I'm gonna nip this in the bud.

You know, I never understood
that expression.

Buds turn into flowers.

So why do we say it
about bad things?

Are you doing
stand-up again?

I told you,
you're too old for that.

My understanding
from Dr. Cusamano,

your family physician,
is that you collapsed...

I think we got the better end
of this deal.

[ Chuckles ]
We get to watch this incredible show

while those two catch a rat.
[ Both laugh ]

I can't imagine what they're
even talking about.

Well, my mom's probably
making fun of someone.

We're still hearing
about the day Emery came home wearing a kilt.

[ Chuckles ] Well, and Marvin's
probably gossiping.

I can't hear any more about
Carol-Joan's fake front teeth.

Some poor fool is being raked
over the coals by those two.

[ Both chuckle, door opens ]

It turns out bare-handing
the rat catching was a bad idea.

[ Drawer opens ]
Papa needs his work gloves.

[ Drawer closes ]
Hey, if you run out of things to talk about with my mom,

get her started
on how much she hates denim.

Oh, we won't run out of things
to talk about, Dice man.

[ Door opens, closes ]

Did he just called you
"Dice man"?

Um, no, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure he did.

No, I think
he was talking to you.

Marvin will just tell you
tonight anyway, so...

I'm Dice man.

Back in the '80s,
I loved Andrew Dice Clay,

and I would lip-sync along
to his albums

to whoever would watch,

which was mostly
just my mother.

[ Crowd cheers ]

Clay: Jack and Jill
went up the hill,

both with a buck
and a quarter.

Jill came down with $2.50.

Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ As Andrew Dice Clay ]
Oh! Mm-hmm.

And who knows what
other embarrassing stories they're telling.

There was
the Weedwacker incident,

the Shetland pony,

my one-man show.

[ Sighs ]

My two-man show.

Who was the other man?

It was me in a mirror.

"Two Lous".
[ Sighs ]

I can't believe I put my mother
and my best friend together

with no chaperone.

We should never have encouraged
her to learn English.

Well, look, maybe you
should just

go over there
and talk to them.

Well, then they'll
talk about how I'm

"the guy
who goes over there".

Tony Soprano would know
what to do.

Son, I'm going to need you
to wear a wire.

[ School bell rings ]

I have to say,

shadowing you
has been very educational.

Do all principals get laughed at
by students as much as you do?

No, ma'am.

You.

You can't
touch me now, old man.

I'm out of
your jurisdiction.

I can't touch any of the
students outside of high-fives.

And even then,
I have to ask first.

Most kids say no.
-Hmm.

You can high-five me.

Psych! [ Laughs ]
Eddie, get to the point.

[ Principal Hunter
and Eddie sigh ]

The fart machine incident
was my fault.

Evan is blameless.

I put him up to it,
for I am a bad influence.

Therefore, I should receive
the punishment, not he.

That was better in the car.

But you see, Principal Hunter,
Evan is innocent.

Of course Eddie
is at the bottom of this!

The kid who put roast beef
in all of my file folders.

You remembered!

So, can we clear
Evan's record

so he can participate
in the fencing match today?

Yes.

The last thing I want
is a blemish

on an honor student's
transcripts.

Come on, Eddie, let's go
tell Evan the good news.

So, am I ungrounded?

Yes, but you're on
a short leash --

one of those
retractable ones

where you think you're not
on a leash, but then you are.

[ Tape stretching ]
[ Sighs ]

Do we really need
this tape recorder?

Can't I just tell you
what Grandma and Marvin are saying about you?

What? Son, no.

We need hard proof.
Otherwise, they'll just deny it.

[ Exaggerated Italian accent ]
The way "Christophuh"

denied shooting
the cannoli guy's foot off.

-Great scene.
-It's the writing.

Fine. You're just lucky
you caught me

on my chest-shaving day!

My front is
as smooth as glass.

Perfect.

Come on, little buddy.

Come to Papa.

[ Stiffly ] Yo.

How's it going in here?

Dad sent me
to help with the rat.

So, what are you guys
talking about?

Oh, wait.
[ Button clicks ]

So, whatcha guys talking about?

You!
They were talking about you.

You were right.
I recorded the whole thing.

I knew it!

[ Exhales sharply ]

Let's go shake down
those Chatty Cathies.

[ School bell rings ]

Ah, middle school.

Right over there
is where I gave Brian

the biggest wedgie
of his life.

God, we were so young.

Hey, Evan.

What are you doing here?

[ Singsong voice ]
Good news.

You get to play in your fencing
match this afternoon.

-What?!
-I took the hit for you, bro.

So next time Mom tells me
to take a shower

and I don't feel like it,
you're hopping in there.

I-I can't fight today.

What are you talking about?
Don't worry,

I got the cheese smell
out of your helmet. You're good to go.

No!

Look.

I got myself suspended from
fencing on purpose

so I wouldn't have to fight
today's match.

I knew exactly what I was doing
with that flatulence emulator.

What?
W-W-Why would you do that?

[ Sighs ]

She's why.

You don't want
to fight a girl?

No, I don't want you
to see me lose.

I can't beat Carla.

She'll ruin my perfect record,
and I can't not be perfect!

Sorry, Mom --
about the double negative.

Whoa!

I'm not the bad influence
on Evan.

Evan, you come out here
right now

and fight this girl!
-Mom, I don't think

this is how a principal
is supposed to behave.

Shadow principal!

A shadow principal who puts
too much pressure on her son

and now he's terrified
to lose.

I only want him to be
the absolute best

at everything he
does all the time. Is that so wrong?

Yes!

Evan needs
to learn to chill,

or he won't be able
to roll with the punches

when things
don't go perfect for him.

"Chilling" is just giving
yourself permission to fail.

That might be your technique,
but it's not mine.

Well, your method just
sent Evan running into the boys' locker room.

He hates that place.

He usually changes
in the car. I need to go talk to him.

Well, this is the boys' locker
room, and you're not a boy.

Or am I?

What are you doing?

I'm cutting off my beautiful
hair so I can pass for a boy.

Why isn't this sword sharp?

Let me handle this.
[ Epée clatters ]

Chii. Chii-chii-chii-chii.

Chii-chii.

I'm replicating
the rat's mating call.

Chii-chii-chii-chii.

Well, don't do it too good,

or they'll be all over you
like bears on honey.

[ Both laugh ]
Aha!

Caught in the act!

What are you talking about?

You've been in here gossiping
behind my back

like a couple of biddies
folding laundry.

Emery recorded
the whole thing.

-Narc.
-No, don't change the subject.

This is about you two
betraying me.

I have proof. Listen.

[ Breathing heavily ]

Emery, why are you
breathing so hard? I can't hear anything.

It was my first time undercover.
I was nervous.

[ Laughs ]
I didn't know Dad did that.

That's hilarious, Grandma.

Emery, you too?

It was really funny.

Your two-man show
sounded great.

"Two Lous"?
Who wouldn't want to watch that?

The Washington Post,
for one.

"Two Louis Huangs
is two too many."

Come on, Emery. Let's go.

[ Sighs heavily ]

You're really
not gonna fight this fight?

No, because if I lose,
which I will,

Mom will be crushed.

That's not gonna happen.

Really?

You think I have
a chance to beat Carla?

Oh, no,
she'll destroy you.

You'll probably cry.

But Mom will be fine.

She loves you
no matter what.

In fact,
she's out there right now

trying to saw her hair off so
she can come in and talk to you.

Like Mulan.

Yeah, like Mulan.
Exactly.

You love that movie, right?

Other than the dragon
being named Mushu

and fireworks
saving the day, sure.

Yes, it's not perfect,

but it's more about female
empowerment anyway.

Mulan's a badass.

She made me feel things.

We'll get to that later.

The point is,

nobody wanted Mulan to go to war
because she's a girl.

Even though
she's an amazing soldier.

If you refuse
to fight Carla,

you're robbing her
of that chance to be Mulan.

[ Gasps ]

I never thought of it
that way.

I'm the patriarchy!

Yeah, you're the...that.

Thanks, Eddie.

Now I need to go out there
and give it my best shot,

even if I get
my patootie kicked.

Apologies for
the locker-room talk.

Boys will be boys.

[ "Woke Up This Morning
(Chosen One)" plays ]

* Woke up this morning

* Got yourself a gun

I'm like Tony.

Can't trust nobody.

Yeah.

I would really love to hear
all about it

when "Arli$$" comes on.

[ Door opens ]

We caught the rat!
[ Laughs ]

I count three rats.

The one in the bag
and the two of you.

To be clear,
I'm calling you rats.

[ Sighs ]

Louis, let us explain.

We were talking about you.

Sharing our favorite
Louis stories

because the love of you is the
only thing we have in common.

[ Speaking Chinese ]

Lip-syncing Dice is genius!

I'm gonna try it
with Don Rickles.

Please don't.

[ Chuckles ]
Aww, Mom.

I guess I got a little paranoid
about family

talking behind my back.

Watching "The Sopranos"
didn't help.

I was only laughing
at that "Two Lous" story

because it sounded hilarious.

Well, it was a searing drama,
but that means a lot.

Um,

could you two just hug
and shut up, please?

-[ Chuckles ] Yeah.
-[ Chuckles ]

[ Stammers ] What the hell --
bring it to the front.

All right.
[ Both laugh ]

I let the rat out.

W-Why?

Because I wanted
to look at him.

[ Shudders ]

I'm ready
to fight the match.

Oh. Maybe you can be
a good influence.

I have my moments.
Don't count on me!

I'm sorry I used a fart machine
to get out of fencing.

It's okay.

I'm proud of you for going
through with the match.

Even if I lose?

Even if you lose.

[ Fart noise ]

Still works!

Come on, Evan!
Stab her!

Stab her in the heart!

Popcorn?

Why are you
being nice to me?

After spending the week
with your mother,

I get it.

Yesterday, when I got home,
I said awful things to my cat.

Unforgivable.

You get used to her.

[ Sighs ]
* Let's get down to business

* To defeat
Referee: Salute.

* The Huns

* Did they send me daughters

* When I asked for sons?

Fence.
* Be a man

* We must be swift
as a coursing river *

* Be a man
[ Device beeps ]

* With all the force

* Of a great typhoon
[ Beeping ]

* Be a man
[ Beeping continues ]

Match.

[ Murmuring ]

-Good match.
-Good match.

Wonderful use of parry.

You'll get me next time.

I don't know --
You won't.

I was just being nice.

[ Sighs ]

Gotta hand it to you, Evan --
you didn't cry.

That's what the mask
is for.

What are you two
waiting for?

The arcade's only open
for another hour.

Go celebrate.

Really? But I lost.

Yes, but you lost
perfectly.

Come on, Bro. I'll show you
where Principal Hunter

keeps his keys to his filing
cabinet on the way out.

So I can keep track of the Yale
application myself.

Marvin, Ma,
I'm sorry I doubted you.

Emery, sorry I taped a
recording device to your chest.

-It left a mark.
-Honey's here, too.

Sorry I talked over
"The Sopranos".

To make it up to all of you,

I wanted to present
my two-man show.

Since you love sharing
Lou stories,

this will give you a lot
to chew on.

"Two Lous" by Louis Huang.

Growing up in Taiwan,
nothing comes easy.

[ Gruffly ]
Shut up, you baby!

[ Normal voice ]
Who said that?

[ Gruffly ] You said that!

[ Exhales shakily ]

Okay, I don't know what to do.

Just kiss her, you fool.

[ Whispering ]
You said this was good.

[ Whispering ]
I remembered wrong.

I can't believe
I'm alone on Christmas.

You're never alone...

[ Southern accent ]
Let me live, Mama!

[ Femininely ] Maybe
if you acted like a man for once in your life.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Slurring ]
You're drunk again, aren't you?

[ Laughs ] I'm not drunk!

You're drunk!

We're drunk!

I wish I was drunk.

Yeah, this is the only way
I can get through this. Here.

We love ya, Lou!

Both of you! Bravo! Bravo!
[ Applause ]

All right, thank you very much.

Marvin, Ma,
I'm sorry I doubted you.

Emery, sorry I taped a
recording device to your chest.

-It left a mark.
-Honey's here, too.

Sorry I talked over
"The Sopranos".

To make it up to all of you,

I wanted to present
my two-man show.

Since you love sharing
Lou stories,

this will give you a lot
to chew on.

"Two Lous" by Louis Huang.

Growing up in Taiwan,
nothing comes easy.

[ Gruffly ]
Shut up, you baby!

[ Normal voice ]
Who said that?

[ Gruffly ] You said that!

[ Exhales shakily ]

Okay, I don't know what to do.

Just kiss her, you fool.

[ Whispering ]
You said this was good.

[ Whispering ]
I remembered wrong.

I can't believe
I'm alone on Christmas.

You're never alone...

[ Southern accent ]
Let me live, Mama!

[ Femininely ] Maybe
if you acted like a man for once in your life.

[ Breathing heavily ]

[ Slurring ]
You're drunk again, aren't you?

[ Laughs ] I'm not drunk!

You're drunk!

We're drunk!

I wish I was drunk.

Yeah, this is the only way
I can get through this. Here.

We love ya, Lou!

Both of you! Bravo! Bravo!
[ Applause ]

All right, thank you very much.

Now it's time for act two.

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