All language subtitles for Cuckoo s05e07 Election

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:08,359 Hi, I'm Ken Thompson and I'm not going to beg you to vote 2 00:00:08,360 --> 00:00:10,479 - for me this Thursday... - (BICYCLE BELL RINGS) 3 00:00:10,480 --> 00:00:14,929 ...because this Thursday you are going to make a choice. 4 00:00:15,695 --> 00:00:20,159 You're going to choose the candidate who cares about what you care about: 5 00:00:20,160 --> 00:00:21,919 Family, 6 00:00:21,920 --> 00:00:23,359 the future, 7 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,319 cycle lanes, 8 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:26,960 and hope. 9 00:00:28,584 --> 00:00:33,224 So, this Thursday, please, please choose me. 10 00:00:34,956 --> 00:00:36,516 Ken Thompson. 11 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:46,840 12 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:51,479 OK, peasants, let's queue up here. Queue! 13 00:00:51,480 --> 00:00:54,479 Hi, sweetheart, come meet your Lib Dem candidate. 14 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:56,519 - Oh, yeah. - Hello, nice to meet you. 15 00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,519 Who will you be voting for on Thursday? 16 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,559 Oh, I always vote for the handsomest candidate. 17 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:02,999 (HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) 18 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,719 What about a little kiss? 19 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:05,960 Why not? 20 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:11,676 Jesus Christ! 21 00:01:11,677 --> 00:01:13,042 That's a lovely kiss. 22 00:01:13,043 --> 00:01:15,151 Make sure you remember to vote, now. 23 00:01:15,152 --> 00:01:17,879 Hello, everyone. Just handshakes, that's it. 24 00:01:17,880 --> 00:01:19,359 Oh, look at Kenny. 25 00:01:19,360 --> 00:01:21,319 He's a born politician. 26 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,799 And it's thanks to me. 27 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,999 You're a guardian angel to that strange family. 28 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:28,439 Yeah, I am the best thing that ever happened to them. 29 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:29,920 Look, it's the news people! 30 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,629 - Nice to meet you. - How do you do? 31 00:01:32,630 --> 00:01:33,639 - How are you? - Hello. 32 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,499 - We're just going to mic you up. - OK, yeah. 33 00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:37,719 - You cool? - Cool as ice. 34 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,239 (THEY LAUGH) 35 00:01:39,240 --> 00:01:41,759 - So, er... Let's get going. - OK. 36 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:45,559 I'm here with the local Lib Dem candidate, Ken Thompson. 37 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,479 - Howdy. - Howdy. 38 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:50,079 - Fat man! Fat man! - Lucas, don't be silly. 39 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,519 He's a really fat man! 40 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:54,386 So, everyone's talking about the radio debate on Thursday. 41 00:01:54,387 --> 00:01:55,122 Fat man! 42 00:01:55,123 --> 00:01:57,719 The Conservative candidate has got a fearsome reputation. 43 00:01:57,720 --> 00:02:00,065 Well, bring it on, is what I say. 44 00:02:00,066 --> 00:02:02,439 - Fatty-fatty-fat man! - Lucas, you're being naughty. 45 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,239 So, Ken, one of the subjects 46 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:07,519 which I know is very close to your heart is cycle lanes. 47 00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,239 At the Liberal Democrats, we are passionate about cycle lanes. 48 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,959 We are passionate about the causes of cycle lanes. 49 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:16,239 Fat man! Fat man! FAT MAN! 50 00:02:16,240 --> 00:02:19,799 Mate, I'm so sorry. I'm just trying to focus here so could you... 51 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,919 How dare you tell me how to parent my child! 52 00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:24,079 He's expressing himself, aren't you, Lucas? 53 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,965 Shut up, Dad. He's a fat man! 54 00:02:27,519 --> 00:02:29,150 FAT MAN! 55 00:02:29,151 --> 00:02:31,039 Do you know what? I think we should leave it. I'm going to do this 56 00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:34,119 another time when there's not so much lovely expressing going on, 57 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,799 all right? Shall we leave it there? 58 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:37,639 What's your problem, fatty? 59 00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:38,919 Well... 60 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,079 Fat man! 61 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,599 FAT MAN! 62 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:43,399 Vote on Thursday. 63 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,839 Just, that was quite difficult for me. 64 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:50,160 (CROWD SHOUTS AFTER HIM) 65 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:01,159 - That kid was horrible! - He was, wasn't he? 66 00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,279 - Ugh! - Gobby little wanker. 67 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:04,919 (SHE LAUGHS) 68 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:09,402 "Wanker." Oh, God, I love English slang. 69 00:03:09,403 --> 00:03:11,799 Gobby little wanker. Say another one! 70 00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,640 Grating little dipshit. 71 00:03:14,896 --> 00:03:16,043 - Right? - Yeah! 72 00:03:16,044 --> 00:03:17,839 Tiny bollockhead. Have you got that one? 73 00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:18,879 Bollockhead. 74 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:21,279 (SHE LAUGHS) 75 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,356 Miniature arsehole. 76 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,848 Uppity little bellend. 77 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:28,720 Mewling wazzock. 78 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,519 No, that was subpar. 79 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:34,520 - You're just trying too hard. - OK. 80 00:03:38,119 --> 00:03:39,398 (WOMAN ON RADIO): And the FBI 81 00:03:39,399 --> 00:03:41,759 suspect he may have entered the United Kingdom. 82 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,399 (RADIO WHITE NOISE) 83 00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,839 (RICK ASTLEY PLAYS) 84 00:03:45,840 --> 00:03:49,879 OK, so, just to confirm, couple of points on our marital contract. 85 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:53,145 When we go out in public, we cannot hold hands? 86 00:03:53,146 --> 00:03:54,175 No. 87 00:03:54,176 --> 00:03:57,659 OK. "Cannot hold hands." 88 00:03:57,660 --> 00:03:59,653 - Occasional bottom touching? - Out of the question. 89 00:03:59,654 --> 00:04:03,199 Sure, sure. "No bottom touching." 90 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:05,347 Oh, I can't wait until we get married. 91 00:04:05,348 --> 00:04:09,159 Um, just want to revisit the sexual intercourse thing. 92 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,439 I believe we talked about that before. 93 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,319 And the amount we agreed on was none ever. 94 00:04:14,320 --> 00:04:16,239 Sexting? 95 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:19,799 If you want to send me erotic SMS, I'm not opposed 96 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:23,039 to you borrowing my phone and responding to yourself. 97 00:04:23,040 --> 00:04:24,799 Finally! Compromise! 98 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,635 Thank you. 99 00:04:26,636 --> 00:04:27,815 "Sexting..." 100 00:04:27,816 --> 00:04:30,199 MAN ON RADIO: And now for the local news in your area. 101 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,599 Hush! Hush! The news. They might mention Ken. 102 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:36,359 Lichfield MP candidate Ken Thompson made a large booboo today 103 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:39,159 when he failed to remove his microphone after an interview. 104 00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:40,697 Gobby little (BLEEP). 105 00:04:40,698 --> 00:04:42,119 Grating little (BLEEP). 106 00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,599 Miniature (BLEEP). 107 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:45,119 Uppity little (BLEEP). 108 00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:46,462 Say another one! 109 00:04:46,463 --> 00:04:48,760 Oh, gosh. My brother needs me. 110 00:04:50,564 --> 00:04:51,868 I haven't finished. 111 00:04:51,869 --> 00:04:54,479 ...already describing it as a complete disgrace. 112 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,359 (PHONE RINGS, NOTIFICATION TONE) 113 00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,959 Oh, you're the ninth journalist to call this morning. 114 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,559 - Well, the way I see it... - Lorna! 115 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,016 No comment, no comment. 116 00:05:05,017 --> 00:05:07,879 Ken, you must try not to feel too bad about this, but what you did 117 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:11,469 was incredibly stupid and it probably will lose you the election. 118 00:05:11,470 --> 00:05:13,999 I've still got the radio debate. I can still turn this round. 119 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,119 What? You think? 120 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:17,119 They're saying some pretty nasty things about you. 121 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:18,999 People on Twitter are so inventive. 122 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,519 - (KEN'S COMMENTS PLAY ONLINE) - That's really great. 123 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,199 (FROM PHONE): Uppity little bellend. 124 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,759 I say we double down. 125 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:27,079 Stigmatise him. 126 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,839 Make that seven-year-old child a hated enemy 127 00:05:29,840 --> 00:05:31,679 your people can rally behind! 128 00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:34,416 My instinct says that will probably backfire, right? 129 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:35,313 Yeah. 130 00:05:35,314 --> 00:05:38,039 Kenny, that's your problem. You're too soft. 131 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:39,919 OK, so, the radio debate. 132 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:42,359 Now, this is basically your last chance to turn 133 00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:43,599 things round, right? 134 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:47,159 So you've got to be brilliant, as brilliant as Martin Luther King 135 00:05:47,160 --> 00:05:49,879 and 2010 Nick Clegg combined. 136 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,719 - Not sure about that, Nina. - Not going to happen, is it? 137 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,119 - That's tricky. - Come on, guys! 138 00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,719 Ken can do this. 139 00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:00,039 Ken, how about I get you a presentation guru? 140 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,319 Someone that can help you speak and stand, 141 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,839 get you out of this mess. 142 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,102 Yes. 143 00:06:06,103 --> 00:06:09,439 - That's the spirit. Right, people? - Yeah! 144 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:10,999 You can do this. 145 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,639 No, I can do this. 146 00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:14,560 - (DOORBELL RINGS) - That's it, I'll get it. 147 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,840 Sweet little things. 148 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,919 Oh, my God, what? 149 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,892 - Ron! - Hey, princess. 150 00:06:29,893 --> 00:06:31,279 What...? 151 00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:34,559 Are you a sight for sore eyes. 152 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,639 No e-mails, no phone calls, where have you been? 153 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,159 Running, baby. 154 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:41,639 Goa, Sharm El Sheikh, Benidorm. 155 00:06:41,640 --> 00:06:43,392 - All beach resorts. - Three-star hotels. 156 00:06:43,393 --> 00:06:44,599 OK, I get it. 157 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:47,479 - You suffered, too. - And with the FBI after me. 158 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,079 What are you doing here? You know I got us a divorce. 159 00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,759 That's a shame. 160 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:54,719 Because I found you the perfect house, baby. 161 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,199 Dacha, north of Moscow, 162 00:06:57,200 --> 00:07:00,399 mountain views, five swimming pools. 163 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:03,039 Oh... It does sound cute, I guess. 164 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:05,405 Honey, I want you back. 165 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,155 - Come home. - I can't, Ron. 166 00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,559 - I've made a life here. - What? In this squalor? 167 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,030 You can't be serious. 168 00:07:14,031 --> 00:07:15,679 Kenny's family. 169 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,639 And we have fun. 170 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,799 You are Ivy Middlefart. 171 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,119 Those nails are a mess, those clothes are six months old 172 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,199 and I think I can see a little grey. 173 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,079 You bastard. 174 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,839 Oh, Ivy, there you are! 175 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:31,399 - Oh, who's your friend? - Oh! 176 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,639 This is... 177 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:34,679 Bernard Bigglesworth Knight. 178 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,239 Yes, Bernard. Um... Yeah. 179 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,919 - Oh, the presentation guru. - Yes! 180 00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:44,159 Bernard is the presentation guru. 181 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,719 Yes, that's me! Hi! 182 00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:49,119 You only said you were going to hire him 20 seconds ago. 183 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,959 I planned ahead. 184 00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,519 Ah, good thinking, Ivy. 185 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,799 Bernard, I mean, thanks so much for doing this. 186 00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:58,159 I've got to say, I think I recognise you. 187 00:07:58,160 --> 00:08:00,719 Back in the old days, when I worked with Barack, 188 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:02,999 - that's Barack Obama... - (BOTH): Oh! 189 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:06,199 ...I was famous for prepping candidates 190 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,959 for their public appearances, 191 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,359 so you probably recognise me from that. 192 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:12,919 Now, I will shout instructions. 193 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,359 Some of them may seem a little strange 194 00:08:15,360 --> 00:08:17,799 but they're definitely important. 195 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:23,155 So, Ken, I want you to talk about something close to your heart. 196 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,759 - Cycle lanes! - If you like. 197 00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:27,520 - Wonderful! - OK. 198 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,879 OK. 199 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,479 Cycle lanes, well. 200 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,593 Stop. Go twice as fast. 201 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:41,079 In Lichfield at the moment, we only have so many cycle lanes 202 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:43,919 within the city centre and I think all we need to concentrate on is... 203 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:46,900 - Go four times slower. - Four times? 204 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,599 Four times. 205 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,199 Who... 206 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:51,719 ...wouldn't... 207 00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,079 ...take advantage... 208 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:56,199 ...of new cycle lanes. 209 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,719 Now shout it, but only use the word grakal. 210 00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:01,319 - What? - Grakal. 211 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,519 - Grakal? - You'll understand it when you do it. 212 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,960 - But I... OK, yep. - Go on. 213 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,919 Grakal, grakal! 214 00:09:10,920 --> 00:09:13,839 - Now pitch it higher. - Grakal, higher? 215 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,679 (HIGH-PITCHED): Grakal. Grakal! 216 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,159 Grakal, Grakal! Grakal! 217 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,319 Now I want you to move your head from side to side, 218 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,479 like a bird trying to eat flies. 219 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:24,839 Grakal. 220 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:26,559 That's it. 221 00:09:26,560 --> 00:09:29,359 Grakal. Grakal, grakal, grakal, grakal. 222 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,959 Oh, bollocks, I've missed something good, haven't I? 223 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:34,359 Grakal! 224 00:09:34,360 --> 00:09:37,279 You sure you want to stay with these people? 225 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:40,479 They're playthings, they're not worth your time. 226 00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:41,959 They're not playthings. 227 00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:47,439 Ken, dance around and sing "I'm a plaything" for a while, will you? 228 00:09:47,440 --> 00:09:50,799 I'm a plaything 229 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,399 Plaything 230 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,599 I'm a plaything 231 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,759 I'm a motherfucking plaything 232 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:02,279 You watch me play, plaything... 233 00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:03,719 Stop! 234 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,159 Ken, wow, that was so confident. 235 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,239 I get it, Bernard. I get it! 236 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:12,719 This silly stuff is so freeing. 237 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:16,599 It makes you feel like everything you've got to say is right, 238 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,439 you can't put a foot wrong. 239 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:20,639 Absolutely, buddy! 240 00:10:20,640 --> 00:10:23,799 - Woo! - But you did do it wrong. 241 00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,279 So, so wrong. 242 00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,120 You're bound to tank tomorrow. 243 00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,280 Well, smell you later, folks. 244 00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:34,559 Adios. 245 00:10:35,096 --> 00:10:37,799 Who was that guy? I really liked him. 246 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,160 Who was that... 247 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:42,359 Grakal? 248 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:44,807 He said I was terrible, Lorn, 249 00:10:44,808 --> 00:10:46,519 how am I supposed to perform tomorrow after that? 250 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:49,239 Bernard Bigglesworth Knight isn't even on Google. 251 00:10:49,240 --> 00:10:50,919 Don't take it as gospel. 252 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,119 What was Ivy even thinking, getting him in? 253 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,559 She wasn't to know. 254 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,719 And she's worked really hard on your campaign. 255 00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:59,639 Hey, would you even be running if it wasn't for Ivy? 256 00:10:59,640 --> 00:11:01,119 Why are you defending her? 257 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:03,799 Well, you do seem happier with her around. 258 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:05,119 Yeah. 259 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,479 That's fair, actually. 260 00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:09,239 I'm even quite fond of the old bat, it's just... 261 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:11,239 Oh, God, tomorrow. 262 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,719 I'm never going to sleep. 263 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,439 Look at me, I'm shaking. 264 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,840 Ow! 265 00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:20,833 Well, you haven't done that for a while. 266 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:23,159 Well, since you're all worked up. 267 00:11:23,160 --> 00:11:25,199 Lorn, no. 268 00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:27,039 You can't sexy me out of this. 269 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,439 I'm having a crisis. 270 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,919 Yeah, you're right, of course. 271 00:11:30,514 --> 00:11:31,994 Yeah... 272 00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,800 ...you get on with your breakdown. 273 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,600 I mean, we could try it your way. 274 00:11:46,564 --> 00:11:49,003 (MAN ON RADIO): Up next, we've got the election debate 275 00:11:49,004 --> 00:11:50,999 live from Lichfield Town Hall. 276 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,359 Will gaffe-prone Ken Thompson charm the voters into forgetting this? 277 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,959 Mewling wazzock. 278 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,520 Keep listening to find out. 279 00:12:02,800 --> 00:12:06,119 - Ken, hello, you look very confident. - I am confident, Nina. 280 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:07,479 OK, good, brilliant. 281 00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:09,719 You know, only the Twitter storm is still raging 282 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:13,319 and the presentation guru said you were going to tank, so that's good. 283 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,558 Where's Ivy? I thought she'd be here to support. 284 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:17,237 I don't know. 285 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:19,640 Best of. 286 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:24,559 Hi, guys, I'm DJ Johnny. 287 00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:28,039 I'm going to be hosting these hustings, or husting them, 288 00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:29,276 - if you like. - Very good. 289 00:12:29,277 --> 00:12:30,319 Yeah. 290 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,239 These mics are recording, Ken, so watch what you say. 291 00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,959 He's very good, actually. 292 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:36,599 So, listen, I'm expecting 293 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,879 this debate to be pretty political, obviously. Uh, but also it's fun. 294 00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:42,279 You know, I'm a fun guy. 295 00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:45,399 So, I'm going to drop in a few questions like favourite film, 296 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:47,159 what songs you like, stuff like that, yeah? 297 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:48,799 I don't know any songs. 298 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,359 Kirsty, what films do I like? 299 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:53,226 - You're going down, suckers. - Live in 20 seconds. 300 00:12:53,227 --> 00:12:54,508 Here goes. 301 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:57,679 Ken! 302 00:12:57,680 --> 00:12:59,604 Steve, what are you doing here? 303 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,519 Your sister, she's gone. 304 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:04,999 She left a note. 305 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,519 She's leaving the country with Ron Middlefart. 306 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:11,599 Ron! When did he get here? Oh, my God. 307 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,919 Bigglesworth Knight, I knew his methods were unorthodox. 308 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:15,775 - Come. - No, I can't. 309 00:13:15,776 --> 00:13:16,799 - Come! - I can't! 310 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,999 Live in five, four, three... 311 00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:22,039 (SHE MOUTHS) 312 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,480 (APPLAUSE) 313 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:29,559 Thank you, thank you. 314 00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,559 Welcome to the big debate, we're coming live 315 00:13:32,560 --> 00:13:34,376 from Lichfield Town Hall. 316 00:13:34,377 --> 00:13:36,159 Kicking off proceedings today, we have a statement 317 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,199 from Ken Thompson of the Liberal Democrats. 318 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,432 Ken, what are you all about, man? 319 00:13:42,829 --> 00:13:44,068 I... Um. 320 00:13:44,069 --> 00:13:45,110 (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT) 321 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:48,480 I... Um. 322 00:13:51,065 --> 00:13:52,276 I can't do this. 323 00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:56,815 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I've got to go. 324 00:13:57,276 --> 00:13:59,039 It's a family emergency, I'm sorry! 325 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,519 No! Where are you going? 326 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,479 (AUDIENCE GROAN) 327 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:07,600 I mean, Ken Thompson's left, so let's play some music or something? 328 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:12,279 This is a very poor election strategy. 329 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,000 Ken! 330 00:14:15,760 --> 00:14:20,399 Ken, Ken! That was close, but her head's been turned by that cad. 331 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,959 No, no, that makes him sound cool. That bounder. 332 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:25,542 What are you jabbering on about? We've got to go! My car! 333 00:14:25,543 --> 00:14:26,447 Dad! 334 00:14:26,448 --> 00:14:28,039 Ken, wait! What's going on? 335 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:30,999 Bigglesworth Knight is actually Ron Middlefart. 336 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,114 That makes sense. 337 00:14:32,115 --> 00:14:34,119 Yeah, on reflection, the name was outlandish. 338 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:35,640 I still liked him. 339 00:14:50,820 --> 00:14:52,700 Right, where are we going? 340 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:55,319 Why are you all looking at me? 341 00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:57,439 Come on, Steve, you've clearly bugged her phone. 342 00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,199 Ken, I would never do such an invasive thing as... as... 343 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,719 No, wait, you're right. I did do that, yeah. 344 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,719 - Right. - Uh, she is on the... 345 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:07,840 ...M1. 346 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:12,439 And you, Ken, are next to me. 347 00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:13,919 Check. 348 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:15,919 And, Lorna... 349 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,439 ...you are also next to me. 350 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,119 Check, good. 351 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,039 Right, drive on. 352 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,439 And speed up, otherwise we'll never make it. 353 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:27,559 Hello, police, there's a criminal on the run. 354 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:30,199 - Ron Mittlefart. - Middlefart. 355 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,639 We're trying to catch him up on the motorway. 356 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,439 How fast? About 80mph. 357 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:37,319 - Lorna! - Ken, the police say slow down. 358 00:15:37,320 --> 00:15:41,599 - We can't, Ken. Sit down. - To hell with it. She's my sister. 359 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:43,840 What's three points on my licence? 360 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:50,640 Well, here we are, baby. 361 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:53,959 This is Tjaart. 362 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,479 He's going to be flying us to Moscow. 363 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,319 Really? 364 00:15:58,320 --> 00:16:00,599 That plane with that guy? 365 00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:03,399 Hey, Tjaart has trafficked more Moldovans 366 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,359 than you've had hot dinners. 367 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,279 Daddy had a plane like that when I was little. 368 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,519 He took me up a few times. 369 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:13,239 Hey, I never showed you before. 370 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:15,119 A welcome-home gift. 371 00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:16,599 Little Waffle. 372 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:19,439 Oh, he's just adorable! 373 00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:21,919 I got you now, baby. 374 00:16:21,920 --> 00:16:25,199 Everything's going to be exactly the way it was with us before, 375 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,999 only this time Russian. 376 00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,399 Me and you, Ron. Are we really going to do this again? 377 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:33,879 Honey, I am not going to take no for an answer. 378 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,439 Firstly, I love you. 379 00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:38,119 No, I do! 380 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,679 And, secondly, I need your retina scan for our Swiss bank account. 381 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,319 And that's going to be a son of a bitch to forge. 382 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,559 - Oh, Ron, you haven't changed. - There's millions in it. 383 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:51,439 With my new business, we'll be back where we were in no time. 384 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,559 Me making money, you at home, all beautiful. 385 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,199 Start the Middlefart Foundation again. 386 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,479 We'll live forever or die rich. 387 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,800 Who cares? 388 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,080 - Ivy, wait! - Ken! 389 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,319 Ron Middlefart, I presume. 390 00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:13,919 Top of the morning to you. 391 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,999 Sorry about that Bernard stuff, it was just a little bit of fun. 392 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:20,159 Stop, let's settle this with an arm wrestle between me and Ron. 393 00:17:20,160 --> 00:17:23,439 - Shut up, Steve. - Wait a minute. This is Steve? 394 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:25,879 - The guy you were going to marry? - For my visa. 395 00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:29,439 - But we were allowed sexting. - He looks like a jockey with mumps. 396 00:17:29,440 --> 00:17:31,559 - Mumps? - Get in the plane, honey. 397 00:17:31,560 --> 00:17:33,399 LORNA: Ivy, you can't trust him. 398 00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:34,999 He's not a good person. 399 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:38,280 I know, but I'm not a good person either. 400 00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:40,999 Me and Ron belong together. 401 00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:43,439 No, you belong here with your family. 402 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,799 We're related. So what? 403 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,359 Look, I am a deeply lazy man. 404 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:52,919 I was coasting and everyone else was happy with that, except you. 405 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,599 I've loved this MP thing and it's down to you. 406 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,719 And I've just thrown it away. Down to you! 407 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:01,879 And it doesn't matter because this is what families do. 408 00:18:01,880 --> 00:18:03,439 We help each other out 409 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:07,640 and we hold each other back massively so... stay. 410 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:10,679 Go on, stay, Ivy. 411 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,320 It's so much harder this way! 412 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,200 (SHE SIGHS) 413 00:18:17,740 --> 00:18:20,279 I'm staying, Ron. 414 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:22,079 You cannot be serious. 415 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,759 These people are coarse with strange accents 416 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:29,119 and they all look ten years older than they actually are 417 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:31,080 but they matter to me. 418 00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,000 And I matter to them. 419 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:40,279 Ron, honey, I'm so sorry. 420 00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:42,639 - Do it! - Oh! 421 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:44,639 Go, go, go! 422 00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,239 No, Ivy! 423 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:47,959 - Go, go! - No! 424 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,000 - Ken! - Ivy! 425 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:52,800 No! 426 00:18:56,815 --> 00:18:58,254 Stop it! 427 00:18:58,255 --> 00:18:59,336 Stop! 428 00:19:02,598 --> 00:19:03,918 Ken, what you doing? 429 00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:06,639 Stop! 430 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:08,119 I've done it! 431 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,799 I've got the plane. 432 00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:11,679 You're not going anywhere, sunshine. 433 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,799 - Ken, you can't! - I've got to, Lorn! 434 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,839 She's my sister! 435 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,839 What's he doing, the madman? 436 00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:21,919 Ken, you'll be carried up into the sky! 437 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:25,439 No. No, I can do it. Don't you see? 438 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,079 This is what I've been eating for! 439 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:31,520 Ken, you can't hold a plane! Think about it! 440 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,200 No, wait! 441 00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:45,000 Yeah, actually, no, I fucking can't. 442 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,679 Little bastard! Turn this plane around. 443 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,719 Sorry, baby. 444 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:57,577 The lady said turn the plane around. 445 00:19:57,578 --> 00:19:58,879 - What the hell? - Steve! 446 00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,799 (THEY STRUGGLE) 447 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,920 I'm Ron Middlefart. 448 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,759 Oh, you couldn't, baby. 449 00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:13,400 You have no idea what I can do! 450 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:17,039 Oh, my God! 451 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:19,399 Can you fly a plane? 452 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:22,240 Come on, Ivy, what did Daddy teach you? 453 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:28,680 - I'm googling it. - I'm putting it in descent. 454 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,959 How do I land it? 455 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,599 There's a YouTube video. 456 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:35,879 Skip advert. 457 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,279 - Skip advert... - Come on! We've got six... 458 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,759 Skip advert in five, four, three... 459 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:43,799 Too late! 460 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,200 (HE SCREAMS) 461 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:54,559 - I found it. It's the throttle. - OK, what's the throttle? 462 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,199 It's that thing there. The big thing, pull it! 463 00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:59,919 Pull it! It'll bring our speed down. 464 00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,839 OK. 465 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:05,360 Come on, Ivy Jackson, land this baby. 466 00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:10,952 - OK. - Ivy, you're amazing. 467 00:21:10,953 --> 00:21:12,161 Come on, Ivy. 468 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,200 (SHE GIGGLES EXCITEDLY) 469 00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,040 Oh, look! It's my family. 470 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,159 What a week in politics it's been. 471 00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:31,159 It started with a gaffe and ended in absolute heroism, 472 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:34,599 and it's all been leading up to this moment in Lichfield Town Hall, 473 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:36,999 where the election results are about to come in. 474 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:40,039 And I'm here with the man of the hour, Ken Thompson. 475 00:22:40,040 --> 00:22:43,279 Now, they're calling you the Lib Dem's answer to Rambo. 476 00:22:43,280 --> 00:22:45,839 Are they? I guess that's fair. 477 00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:47,199 Who's Rambo? 478 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,439 He's a one-man killing machine. 479 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,199 It's not for nowt. 480 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,999 Now, is it true that you held a plane on the runway 481 00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,839 - through sheer strength? - Well, more or less, yes. 482 00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,319 But, listen, I want to say this, 483 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:02,639 I wouldn't be able to do any of this if it wasn't for my 484 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,719 darling sister, Ivy, 485 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:08,199 my beloved family and this bloke called Steve. 486 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,389 - Steve Chance, Uber driver. - No. 487 00:23:10,390 --> 00:23:11,639 That's... That's beautiful. 488 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,840 - Thank you. - Thank you. 489 00:23:15,320 --> 00:23:16,919 Ready for the stage, brother? 490 00:23:16,920 --> 00:23:18,640 The votes are in. 491 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,919 Here we go. 492 00:23:21,920 --> 00:23:25,720 (TRIUMPHAL MUSIC) 493 00:23:47,912 --> 00:23:51,631 Therefore, I give public notice that the new member of Parliament 494 00:23:51,632 --> 00:23:54,513 for the Lichfield constituency is... 495 00:23:56,868 --> 00:24:02,868 496 00:24:02,918 --> 00:24:07,468 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35535

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