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1
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:06,240
God, I love the pub!
2
00:00:08,060 --> 00:00:10,099
It's just a place where
everyone's equal.
3
00:00:10,100 --> 00:00:11,779
Everyone's your friend, you know?
4
00:00:11,780 --> 00:00:13,718
- Hello, Ken.
- Oh, bollocks!
5
00:00:13,719 --> 00:00:15,319
I followed you here for some bro time.
6
00:00:15,320 --> 00:00:17,879
Now, high on my agenda is me
marrying your sister and finally
7
00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:19,239
penetrating your family unit.
8
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:20,479
Let's make this happen.
9
00:00:20,480 --> 00:00:23,160
Hark! It's Ken Thompson!
10
00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:27,178
- Sorry, do I know you?
- I have a gift for knowing people.
11
00:00:27,179 --> 00:00:29,079
I know Graham, for example.
12
00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:30,879
Graham, whose actual name is Steve?
13
00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:32,160
I will speak.
14
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:37,199
Ken Thompson, you will be the
Liberal Democrat Parliamentary
15
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,239
candidate for Litchfield.
16
00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,999
Right, that's very specific.
17
00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:45,839
And you, Graham, will invent an
award-winning sex toy called
18
00:00:45,840 --> 00:00:47,559
The Jolly Rooster.
19
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,839
- Yes!
- Really?
20
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,959
Very illuminating.
21
00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:52,800
- She's crackers.
- Yeah, I know.
22
00:00:54,046 --> 00:00:56,486
Although, fun fact, my
name actually is Graham.
23
00:00:57,596 --> 00:00:59,355
You what?
24
00:00:59,356 --> 00:01:01,888
Yeah, I changed it to Steve
by deed poll some time ago.
25
00:01:01,889 --> 00:01:04,364
I mean, Graham is just a bit boring.
26
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:06,359
- So you mean she's actually...?
- Yeah.
27
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:07,400
How did you...?
28
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,640
Hell's bells, Ken, she's gone!
29
00:01:14,922 --> 00:01:17,722
- Oh, no, wait, she's over there.
- Oh.
30
00:01:21,158 --> 00:01:27,158
31
00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:29,499
So you just need to sign here and here,
32
00:01:29,500 --> 00:01:31,519
and your divorce will
be through in ten days.
33
00:01:31,520 --> 00:01:33,319
- Congratulations.
- Wonderful!
34
00:01:33,320 --> 00:01:36,599
My brother said you were an expert
at this mindless clerical staff.
35
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,385
Always nice to receive a compliment!
36
00:01:38,386 --> 00:01:40,119
There is this other little thing.
37
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:43,799
I got this darling little
letter from UK immigration.
38
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:48,039
It said, "Ivy, your visa has run out
and you need to leave the country
39
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,892
within 90 days!"
40
00:01:49,893 --> 00:01:51,611
So, what's that about?
41
00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:55,319
Well, I think it means your visa
has run out and you have 90 days
42
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:57,599
- to leave the country.
- But I can't go back to the States,
43
00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,599
they'll pin Ron's crimes on me!
44
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:01,279
So, what do I do?
45
00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:03,439
Well, you could get a job.
46
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,319
Or you could get married once
the divorce comes through.
47
00:02:06,320 --> 00:02:08,759
There you go, I'll marry
a wealthy Englishman,
48
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,079
someone like...
49
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,359
...Sean Connery or Liam Neeson.
50
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,799
Right, you do only have 90 days, though.
51
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,439
90 more days than I need.
52
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,239
Are you a millionaire?
53
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:19,840
Will you marry me?
54
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,079
No, I'm with Tash.
55
00:02:23,080 --> 00:02:24,400
Although if I wasn't...
56
00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:26,600
Still no.
57
00:02:29,495 --> 00:02:31,839
She said YOU'D be an MP?
58
00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:34,253
It was like a prediction, like
she'd seen it in a vision.
59
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:36,099
Spooky-kabooky!
60
00:02:36,100 --> 00:02:37,679
Did make me think, though.
61
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:39,399
Remember when I was making
waves at the Lib Dems?
62
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:41,079
Nina wanted me to be a councillor.
63
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,642
Yeah, till you took an
E and puked on her!
64
00:02:42,643 --> 00:02:45,399
Yeah. I should have liked
a life in politics.
65
00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:46,999
You're going to go into politics?
66
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:48,313
Oh, no, it's just something an old lady
67
00:02:48,314 --> 00:02:50,279
said down the pub, it's nothing serious.
68
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,994
Politics! Now, THAT would
have made Daddy happy.
69
00:02:52,995 --> 00:02:54,799
I often worry what he would
have thought about you
70
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,680
had he seen you living like this.
71
00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,120
(THEY SHOUT)
72
00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:04,239
Oh, well, hello! Oh!
73
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,839
I am hoarse, I'm actually hoarse!
74
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,879
- That was fricking awesome!
- Where were you?
75
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,359
At a march to release
this innocent journalist.
76
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,571
You renegades! Y'all have fun
out there shaking your rattles?
77
00:03:14,572 --> 00:03:17,008
Actually, we're fighting for the
poor and the oppressed, Ivy.
78
00:03:17,009 --> 00:03:18,908
Which is sort of you now, isn't it?
79
00:03:18,909 --> 00:03:21,079
- (THEY LAUGH)
- (PHONE PINGS)
80
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:23,430
Oh, Twitter's saying that
Douglas Markham's resigning.
81
00:03:23,431 --> 00:03:25,408
- Isn't he...?
- Our local MP!
82
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:29,719
- It's going to be a by-election.
- Ken, don't, it's a coincidence.
83
00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:31,319
It's a bit weird, isn't it?
84
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,171
That's exactly what that old woman said!
85
00:03:33,172 --> 00:03:35,879
Yeah. We probably shouldn't
read anything into it, though.
86
00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:36,920
(PHONE PINGS)
87
00:03:39,803 --> 00:03:40,842
Ken?
88
00:03:40,843 --> 00:03:43,562
It's Nina, she wants me
to come in urgently,
89
00:03:43,563 --> 00:03:46,119
she's something important
she wants to discuss.
90
00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,080
Spooky-kabooky!
91
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:54,799
Well, I'd made the money
I wanted to make, Yusra,
92
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:57,620
and I just really couldn't get
on with being an estate agent.
93
00:03:57,621 --> 00:04:00,319
Everyone's so grasping.
94
00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,703
That's just not me.
95
00:04:01,704 --> 00:04:04,281
And working in a garden centre IS you?
96
00:04:04,282 --> 00:04:07,840
I don't see any horticultural
experience here.
97
00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:11,111
Oh, I've got experience.
98
00:04:11,112 --> 00:04:17,240
Let's just say I used to look
after some pretty exotic plants.
99
00:04:18,411 --> 00:04:21,170
Your previous job was drug dealer?
100
00:04:21,171 --> 00:04:23,811
Well, drug dealer AND grower, yeah.
101
00:04:23,812 --> 00:04:27,258
Well, isn't that marvellously dangerous?
102
00:04:27,259 --> 00:04:28,560
I like a grower.
103
00:04:29,626 --> 00:04:32,359
Well, Dylan, you seem
a likely young man,
104
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,626
you could fit in here very nicely.
105
00:04:34,627 --> 00:04:38,148
Thing is, how do I know if
you're any good or not?
106
00:04:38,149 --> 00:04:41,280
Do you have a portfolio?
107
00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:45,028
Examples of your work?
108
00:04:45,029 --> 00:04:49,814
Well, I might have an
eighth of a portfolio.
109
00:04:49,815 --> 00:04:51,141
Mm!
110
00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,559
Just so you know, this means
you haven't got the job.
111
00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:00,340
Brilliant, I didn't want it anyway.
112
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:05,879
Oh, wait, I'm going to slip into
something more interesting.
113
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,839
- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah.
114
00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,258
- You're going to love this.
- Am I?
115
00:05:10,259 --> 00:05:11,959
Am I going to love it?
116
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,000
Oh, yeah, baby!
117
00:05:17,035 --> 00:05:18,314
I'm nearly done.
118
00:05:18,315 --> 00:05:21,099
- OK, I'm coming.
- Come on, I'm ready.
119
00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:24,720
So... what do you think?
120
00:05:27,315 --> 00:05:28,740
This is new.
121
00:05:30,099 --> 00:05:33,158
Sorry to hear about Douglas
Markham, Nina, have you...?
122
00:05:33,159 --> 00:05:35,039
Have you got a replacement yet?
123
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,079
Well, difficult times
call for a fresh face,
124
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,719
and I think that you in particular
will be very surprised to hear
125
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:45,902
who we've gone for.
126
00:05:45,903 --> 00:05:47,199
Do I know them?
127
00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:51,287
It's a local colossus, hitherto
barely involved in politics.
128
00:05:51,288 --> 00:05:54,480
And someone not a million
miles away from this table.
129
00:05:56,520 --> 00:05:58,981
Wow! Nina...
130
00:05:58,982 --> 00:06:00,919
- I don't know what to say!
- Yep.
131
00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,999
So we are delighted to announce
that the candidate who's
132
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,254
going to be fighting this
by-election is Yu...
133
00:06:07,255 --> 00:06:08,301
...sra.
134
00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:10,115
Yusra Duncan.
135
00:06:10,116 --> 00:06:12,880
Sorry, I have terrible
problems with her name.
136
00:06:12,881 --> 00:06:14,920
She's a local businesswoman!
137
00:06:15,435 --> 00:06:18,154
Well, what was all that about
not far from this table?!
138
00:06:18,155 --> 00:06:21,395
Oh, oh, yeah, her head
office is across the road.
139
00:06:21,396 --> 00:06:23,239
Ken, you look very grumpy. What's wrong?
140
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,799
No, no, it's fine, it's...
141
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,639
Well, I thought maybe
you had me in mind.
142
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:31,579
You? Oh, my goodness!
143
00:06:31,580 --> 00:06:33,920
That's so... That's so funny!
144
00:06:36,875 --> 00:06:38,956
Oh, you!
145
00:06:38,957 --> 00:06:41,119
No, sorry, it's Yusra Duncan.
146
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:43,519
Yeah, we had to make a
very quick choice, so...
147
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,479
She's very popular with
our biggest donor.
148
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,445
Do you know Gordon Andrews,
the poultry magnate?
149
00:06:47,446 --> 00:06:48,250
Yeah.
150
00:06:48,251 --> 00:06:50,756
He's hosting a big fundraiser
for us on Saturday.
151
00:06:50,757 --> 00:06:52,279
That's why I've called you in.
152
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:53,639
Come along, bring your family.
153
00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,217
- What, that's it?
- Mm.
154
00:06:55,218 --> 00:06:56,709
You said it was urgent!
155
00:06:56,710 --> 00:06:58,867
Oh, well, um...
156
00:06:58,868 --> 00:07:01,480
I must have meant not urgent.
157
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:04,340
Go away now, please.
158
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,460
- Yep.
- Yep.
159
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:08,502
Very busy.
160
00:07:11,976 --> 00:07:13,359
Here he is!
161
00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:17,479
Do I see before me the parliamentary
candidate for Litchfield?
162
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,741
No, you do not.
163
00:07:18,742 --> 00:07:21,159
Nina remains a psychopath
and this has been another
164
00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:22,400
wild goose chase.
165
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:26,764
I would have been an amazing MP,
and now she expects me to go
166
00:07:26,765 --> 00:07:30,159
to some worthless fundraiser
round at Gordon Andrews' house.
167
00:07:30,160 --> 00:07:31,399
Well, it's not happening.
168
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:32,519
Gordon Andrews...
169
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,359
Dad, Andrews' chickens are
reared in windowless warehouses,
170
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,319
he is a monster!
171
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,759
Yes, here he is, he's on the list!
172
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,559
86, widowed, worth 40 million.
173
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,204
He is perfect!
174
00:07:44,205 --> 00:07:46,399
- A chicken torturer?!
- Who's 86?!
175
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,119
Oh, shush, both of you,
can't a girl fall in love?
176
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,352
Well, I wouldn't get your hopes up,
177
00:07:50,353 --> 00:07:51,999
word has it he's sweet on the chosen
178
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,570
candidate, Yusra Duncan.
179
00:07:53,571 --> 00:07:56,040
Yusra Duncan! Let's have a look.
180
00:07:58,375 --> 00:08:00,879
Ha! No contest!
181
00:08:00,880 --> 00:08:03,319
Trust me, darlin', when
that millionaire hears
182
00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:06,586
about my milkshake, he's
going to feel 75 again.
183
00:08:06,587 --> 00:08:08,080
Your milkshake?
184
00:08:09,039 --> 00:08:10,999
I need to pick out my outfit.
185
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,079
And the dog's outfit.
186
00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:14,239
And she's put on a lot of weight lately!
187
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,479
- (DOG WHINES)
- Well, it's a shame we're not going.
188
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:18,239
All right, losers?
189
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,320
Just brought some washing round for Mum.
190
00:08:23,379 --> 00:08:25,260
Hey, why are you looking
at Yusra Duncan?
191
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,585
Why, do you know her?
192
00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:29,306
I've seen her around.
193
00:08:29,307 --> 00:08:31,579
I mean, she's pretty
fit for an old lady.
194
00:08:31,580 --> 00:08:32,581
Right?
195
00:08:33,363 --> 00:08:34,403
I suppose.
196
00:08:35,536 --> 00:08:36,775
Well, I shagged her.
197
00:08:36,776 --> 00:08:38,199
You did?
198
00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:39,839
Oh, horrible!
199
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:44,519
And let me tell you, she has got
some pretty specific tastes!
200
00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,094
Oh, come on, Dylan, spill the beans!
201
00:08:48,095 --> 00:08:54,281
OK, so, she likes to do it dressed
up in teddy bear outfits.
202
00:08:54,282 --> 00:08:57,119
- Oh, my!
- Teddy bears?
203
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,039
And you did it?
204
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,799
Obviously, I did it, but, to be honest,
205
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,239
it was actually pretty comfy.
206
00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:03,280
Oh, my God!
207
00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:07,330
Yes!
208
00:09:07,331 --> 00:09:08,731
Can't you see?
209
00:09:08,732 --> 00:09:11,108
The path presents itself!
210
00:09:11,109 --> 00:09:14,293
Your rival is a fur-vert!
211
00:09:14,294 --> 00:09:17,239
That can't be normal, not
even in ye olde England.
212
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,999
She's not my rival, Ivy, I'm
not even in the running.
213
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,438
Ken, you're forgetting your
trump card, your sister!
214
00:09:23,439 --> 00:09:27,039
Now, we go to this party, I
get the millionaire to fall
215
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:30,399
in love with me, you use the
information to knock Yusra
216
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,640
out of the way! Bad-a-bing, bad-a-boom!
217
00:09:34,652 --> 00:09:35,692
No!
218
00:09:37,633 --> 00:09:40,439
Oh, shit, it might just work.
219
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,840
I could still be an MP!
220
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,799
No, no, no, it's immoral!
221
00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:46,799
And anyway, how would we prove it?
222
00:09:46,800 --> 00:09:50,160
Well, I mean, she did get me
to film it, if that helps.
223
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,080
- Don't tell Lorna.
- ?500.
224
00:10:00,257 --> 00:10:04,039
Gordon Andrews, he takes
a bird to market!
225
00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:07,452
Gordon Andrews, he tortures
chicken and turkey!
226
00:10:07,453 --> 00:10:09,296
Yeah, well, that's the
last car that's coming in!
227
00:10:09,297 --> 00:10:11,480
Yeah, the party's over, chump!
228
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,280
- Oh, let's do this!
- Yeah!
229
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:22,239
They're going to be so mad!
230
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,199
They're going to be like,
"Why can't I get in?
231
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:26,479
"Oh, my God, I can't
get into the party!"
232
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,040
- Give me your phone.
- OK., No distractions.
233
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,439
- You've hidden the keys, right?
- Yep.
234
00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:38,759
Swallowed them.
235
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:40,639
What? Tash, you swallowed them?
236
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,959
Yes, bruv!
237
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:45,000
- They're going to have to cut us out!
- Tash, you mentalist!
238
00:10:45,858 --> 00:10:50,119
Gordon Andrews, he takes
a bird to market!
239
00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:51,160
Tash?
240
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:54,640
Shit, how did they get in?
241
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:56,800
I don't know.
242
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,279
Excuse me, hello...?
243
00:11:01,280 --> 00:11:03,759
Um, is this the main entrance?
244
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,519
No, ladies, if you want
the main entrance,
245
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,088
you have to go to the other side.
246
00:11:07,089 --> 00:11:08,815
Oh, OK, thank you.
247
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:19,839
We must say thank you to you,
Gordon, it's a beautiful event,
248
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:21,719
thank you for your support.
249
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,269
Spur your courage to the
stickin' place, Kenneth,
250
00:11:24,270 --> 00:11:27,039
give me half an hour to
enrapture the millionaire,
251
00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:29,282
And then show the video to Nina!
252
00:11:29,283 --> 00:11:31,279
Ivy, do you think this is a good idea?
253
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,519
Well, why wouldn't it be?
254
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,454
I'm about to blackmail
someone with a porn video
255
00:11:34,455 --> 00:11:35,839
starring my own son.
256
00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,199
It just seems a bit...
257
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,267
...sordid.
258
00:11:38,268 --> 00:11:39,959
What's all this whispering about?
259
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,239
Nothing, just getting into
the vibe of the party.
260
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,759
Look at this, balloons and
all the social democracy,
261
00:11:45,760 --> 00:11:46,875
it's nice.
262
00:11:46,876 --> 00:11:48,839
Oh, Ken, lovely, you're here.
263
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,279
Come and meet our host.
264
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:51,680
Here, take the dog.
265
00:11:56,720 --> 00:12:00,399
Ah, here you are in this
random corner of the room!
266
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,640
Oh! Who's your hot friend?
267
00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:06,868
Ivy, my sister, this is Nina.
268
00:12:06,869 --> 00:12:09,439
Yeah, yeah, doesn't matter.
269
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:10,960
Are you Gordon Andrews?
270
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,400
Enchante!
271
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:18,840
Oh, dear, my shawl!
272
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:25,919
(HE GASPS)
273
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:27,847
Are you married?
274
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:32,239
- So, you're a single guy?
- Yeah.
275
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,760
Oh, that is so rare in
someone so handsome!
276
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:39,880
Oh! Like you don't know!
277
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,120
Stop staring at me that!
278
00:12:44,121 --> 00:12:46,519
It's like you're
seducing me on the spot!
279
00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:50,839
(HE COUGHS)
280
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,160
Get the hell out of here!
I've got it, bitch!
281
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,040
Look at us laughing together!
282
00:13:01,204 --> 00:13:02,244
Gesundheit!
283
00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:10,079
Oi, it's going to be a shit night!
284
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,400
- Yeah!
- Poor chickens!
285
00:13:13,456 --> 00:13:15,744
Oh! That's so rude!
286
00:13:15,745 --> 00:13:16,920
Really rude!
287
00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:20,600
I'm so sorry.
288
00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:23,792
Ben said he'd pick us up
about five, didn't he?
289
00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:26,083
Four hours.
290
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:34,240
Tell you how we could use
the time constructively...
291
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,519
- Yes, Tash!
- Yeah.
292
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:41,040
- Have you got a lighter?
- Mm-hm.
293
00:13:48,054 --> 00:13:49,853
Ken, Ken!
294
00:13:49,854 --> 00:13:53,479
The old goat's hooked! My divorce
comes through next week,
295
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:58,377
I'll be remarried in a month and
widowed pretty soon afterwards.
296
00:13:58,378 --> 00:14:01,308
Now it's your turn.
Nina's right over there.
297
00:14:01,309 --> 00:14:04,948
I don't know, all these underhand
tactics, it's just not me.
298
00:14:04,949 --> 00:14:07,518
This is your chance to be something,
299
00:14:07,519 --> 00:14:11,199
and all you have to do is
ruin someone else's life!
300
00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:13,600
And if you don't do it, I will.
301
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:18,767
- Nina?
- Yeah?
302
00:14:18,768 --> 00:14:21,321
- Could I have a word?
- Um, OK.
303
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:23,639
Bye.
304
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,599
This is all highly secretive, Ken.
305
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,519
It's almost like you're
trying to seduce me.
306
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,519
That's not what this is at all.
307
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:32,000
OK, right, well, what is it?
308
00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:36,640
- Nina...
- Yep, Ken, spit it out.
309
00:14:38,126 --> 00:14:39,600
It's Yusra Duncan.
310
00:14:39,984 --> 00:14:43,623
I've got wind of a video of
her having sex with a man
311
00:14:43,624 --> 00:14:45,024
in his 20s.
312
00:14:45,025 --> 00:14:46,506
That's not all.
313
00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:52,040
- They're both dressed as teddy bears.
- Oh, my God, OK, um...
314
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,003
Wow, Yusra Duncan's...
315
00:14:55,004 --> 00:14:56,644
...an ursusagalmatophile!
316
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:59,097
- Oh, it's got a name? OK.
- Yeah, that's the name.
317
00:14:59,098 --> 00:15:02,399
And the voters really don't like them.
318
00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,279
Well...
319
00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:09,643
...I may have acquired the
video, and, let's just say,
320
00:15:09,644 --> 00:15:13,135
I would hate for it to get
into the wrong hands.
321
00:15:13,136 --> 00:15:15,738
Absolutely, absolutely,
Yusra's campaign would
322
00:15:15,739 --> 00:15:17,639
be dead on arrival, it
would be a disaster.
323
00:15:17,640 --> 00:15:20,878
- Oh, I know! Cataclysm, so...
- Yep.
324
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:22,205
OK.
325
00:15:22,206 --> 00:15:25,558
Right, well, thank the Lord this
isn't going to go any further.
326
00:15:26,699 --> 00:15:28,463
Right, I'd better start the auction.
327
00:15:28,464 --> 00:15:29,785
Wait!
328
00:15:30,191 --> 00:15:32,506
How do you know it's not going
to get into the wrong hands?
329
00:15:32,507 --> 00:15:35,879
Well, I mean, you said yourself you're
the only person with the video.
330
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,644
Yes, I know what I said, but...
331
00:15:38,356 --> 00:15:41,597
What if it were to happen by accident?
332
00:15:42,402 --> 00:15:44,479
Well, that's highly unlikely.
333
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:48,640
OK, well, what if I did it deliberately?
334
00:15:52,324 --> 00:15:55,073
What, you, blackmail us?!
335
00:15:55,074 --> 00:15:56,720
That's wonderful!
336
00:15:57,602 --> 00:16:01,521
Good, kind, beautiful Ken, would
you do something so dastardly?
337
00:16:01,522 --> 00:16:03,243
No, that's never going to happen!
338
00:16:06,218 --> 00:16:07,258
It was a joke.
339
00:16:08,963 --> 00:16:11,682
Oh, you're so funny, Ken, you are!
340
00:16:11,683 --> 00:16:13,324
OK, bye, see you later!
341
00:16:23,234 --> 00:16:24,274
I think that's done.
342
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:27,520
I do not need any more, though!
343
00:16:33,147 --> 00:16:37,079
You know when Ben told me that
he was still mates with his ex?
344
00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:41,394
I was not happy, I was like...
345
00:16:42,347 --> 00:16:43,599
...warning signs!
346
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:46,380
Yeah, totally, you're
just, like, bitch alert!
347
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:50,839
And I was, like, please,
don't let her be pretty!
348
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,640
And then I saw you, and...
349
00:16:54,809 --> 00:16:56,329
Obviously, you're gorgeous.
350
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,280
Yeah, I really am.
351
00:17:00,636 --> 00:17:03,980
You keep telling people, I
like that character trait!
352
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,279
And then we got to talking
and I was, like, whoa,
353
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,199
this is incredible, we're the same!
354
00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,360
We are the same.
355
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,319
The same, there is no difference.
356
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:15,760
There is no difference.
357
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:22,860
So what did you think of
me when we first met?
358
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,490
What did I think?
359
00:17:26,443 --> 00:17:28,360
I thought you were hitting on me!
360
00:17:29,017 --> 00:17:30,057
What?!
361
00:17:31,483 --> 00:17:34,878
- Oh, God, cos we met in that coffee shop?
- Yeah.
362
00:17:34,879 --> 00:17:36,999
But then I saw you with Ben and...
363
00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,480
...I realised you were
just being really nice.
364
00:17:41,028 --> 00:17:42,988
You know, cos that's what you're like.
365
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:46,640
You're just really, really...
366
00:18:24,902 --> 00:18:27,027
Oh, absolutely, good for you.
367
00:18:27,028 --> 00:18:29,201
- Must go.
- OK, OK.
368
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:35,719
Been chatting to that Yusra
Duncan, she is just lovely!
369
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,799
Yeah, a typical politician, isn't it?
370
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,279
All smiles, aren't they?
371
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,679
Then they sell their own grandma.
372
00:18:40,680 --> 00:18:42,679
- Oh, no, her grandma's dead.
- Well, there you go.
373
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:44,239
And not just her grandma,
374
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:46,599
her husband died a few years ago, too.
375
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:49,920
She said he was really funny, he
was one of those football mascots.
376
00:18:51,772 --> 00:18:55,488
She said she tries to remember
him in every way she can.
377
00:18:55,489 --> 00:19:00,319
Right, well, thank God no-one's
going to see a video of her dealing
378
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,319
- with THAT pain.
- What?! - Hm?
379
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:03,359
Ken, are you OK?
380
00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:05,039
Yeah. No, I'm fine.
381
00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:06,079
Do you know what, Lorna?
382
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,519
I think I might try
and be an MP one day.
383
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:10,245
I think I'd be good at it.
384
00:19:10,246 --> 00:19:11,792
But I want to do it the right way.
385
00:19:11,793 --> 00:19:13,040
Bully for you, Ken.
386
00:19:14,698 --> 00:19:16,377
What would be the wrong way?
387
00:19:16,378 --> 00:19:20,578
- Testing, testing, one, two, three.
- Come on, let's sit down.
388
00:19:20,579 --> 00:19:23,919
Welcome, everybody, welcome,
ladies and gentlemen,
389
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:26,079
it's nearly time for the auction.
390
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:30,399
And I would love to thank Gordon for
his amazingly generous donation
391
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:32,520
of these antiques.
392
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,079
First, I know that you're all
very, very much looking forward
393
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:41,472
to meeting our new
candidate, and here she is,
394
00:19:41,473 --> 00:19:43,960
Yusra Duncan! Come up, Yusra!
395
00:19:49,136 --> 00:19:51,279
- How did it go with Nina?
- Fine.
396
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,839
Common sense prevailed in the end.
397
00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:55,319
You chickened out. I knew you would.
398
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,658
Don't worry, your big
sister looked after it.
399
00:19:57,659 --> 00:19:59,639
What do you mean, looked after it?
400
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,639
I swapped the files on
the computer back there.
401
00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:03,096
You didn't.
402
00:20:03,097 --> 00:20:04,480
Of course I did.
403
00:20:04,481 --> 00:20:07,159
I'm not going to let you
be a loser all your life.
404
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,079
They're about to play the video
that'll introduce everybody
405
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,556
to their new candidate!
406
00:20:12,557 --> 00:20:18,697
And here it is, a video to introduce
everybody to our new candidate.
407
00:20:18,698 --> 00:20:22,542
And you're all going to
see a new side to Yusra.
408
00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,730
Oh, God, no, no! I've got to
stop it, I've got to stop it!
409
00:20:25,731 --> 00:20:26,768
Ken!
410
00:20:26,769 --> 00:20:30,639
So, after Yusra's said a few
words, we'll watch a little video
411
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,999
and then we'll get on
with the auction, OK?
412
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,080
So, speech, Yusra!
413
00:20:37,120 --> 00:20:40,279
I just want to say it's
been great to meet you all.
414
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:42,399
And with that, I'll hand back to Nina.
415
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:44,479
- Is that it?!
- OK.
416
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,479
Well, I think all that needs to be done,
417
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:50,919
then, is for me to work out which
button on this remote to press...
418
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:53,283
OK, stop, stop!
419
00:20:53,284 --> 00:20:54,649
Sorry!
420
00:20:54,650 --> 00:20:56,119
Ken, what are you doing?
421
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,636
- I'm sorry, I want to make a speech.
- What?!
422
00:20:59,637 --> 00:21:01,040
Hello, Lib Dems!
423
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,214
I said, hello, Lib Dems!
424
00:21:05,746 --> 00:21:07,465
How is everyone doing?
425
00:21:07,466 --> 00:21:09,986
Whoo! Lib Dems!
426
00:21:09,987 --> 00:21:12,079
Whoo!
427
00:21:12,080 --> 00:21:15,720
Hello, I am Ken Thompson.
428
00:21:16,428 --> 00:21:18,147
Do not adjust your sets.
429
00:21:18,491 --> 00:21:19,690
I am this big.
430
00:21:19,691 --> 00:21:21,190
And I am this handsome.
431
00:21:22,417 --> 00:21:26,039
Ha! Now, listen, Yusra
is a fine candidate.
432
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:29,174
I know, when it comes to raising
money for the Lib Dems,
433
00:21:29,175 --> 00:21:32,268
there is no magic money
tree, there isn't.
434
00:21:32,269 --> 00:21:36,072
But there is such a
thing as a money plant.
435
00:21:36,073 --> 00:21:40,598
And I bought six of them at
Yusra's garden centre earlier!
436
00:21:40,599 --> 00:21:43,221
Cos that's what she makes
happen, because...
437
00:21:43,222 --> 00:21:44,495
That's hilarious!
438
00:21:44,496 --> 00:21:46,385
Yeah! Thank you, sir.
Where are you from?
439
00:21:46,386 --> 00:21:47,639
Redditch.
440
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,399
Redditch! Whoa!
441
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,347
You want to get some cream for that!
442
00:21:51,348 --> 00:21:52,729
Redditch!
443
00:21:52,730 --> 00:21:54,839
At least I'm not from Itchfield, mate.
444
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:56,385
Itchfield's good as well!
445
00:21:56,386 --> 00:21:58,401
That's good, say some more!
446
00:21:58,402 --> 00:22:01,079
Er, anyone in from Rashburn?
447
00:22:01,080 --> 00:22:03,399
Rashburn! Love it! Not as
good, but still funny!
448
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,039
Try and think of some more.
449
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:09,279
Don't press that button, you're about
to show the video, the furry video!
450
00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:11,279
- The furry video?
- Yes, the furry video!
451
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,079
- How did they get hold of the furry video?
- I don't know.
452
00:22:14,080 --> 00:22:15,464
- Sabotage.
- Sabotage?!
453
00:22:15,465 --> 00:22:17,503
- What's going on?
- Yusra, I'm sorry,
454
00:22:17,504 --> 00:22:19,667
but your enemies have got hold of some
455
00:22:19,668 --> 00:22:21,199
incriminating material.
456
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,118
Oh, God, no!
457
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:26,319
- Is it the midget gardeners?
- What?! No! - No!
458
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,158
- The bear suit?
- Yes. - Yes.
459
00:22:28,159 --> 00:22:30,533
Oh, what have I done?
460
00:22:30,534 --> 00:22:32,760
- Ken, you'd better give me the mic.
- OK.
461
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,439
All right, hey, pack it
in, Yusra needs to speak.
462
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:40,439
Yusra, please, come on now.
463
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,039
Hello again, everyone.
464
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,383
Um...
465
00:22:43,384 --> 00:22:45,726
I've got something I have to tell you.
466
00:22:45,727 --> 00:22:49,678
Um, you know, when you go
through a hard time in life,
467
00:22:49,679 --> 00:22:54,580
you cling onto any
kind of comfort, soft,
468
00:22:55,181 --> 00:22:59,000
warm, furry comfort.
469
00:22:59,427 --> 00:23:02,820
And when I feel lonely, um...
470
00:23:03,700 --> 00:23:05,159
I can't do this.
471
00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:07,279
Friends, I can't be your candidate.
472
00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:08,479
(GASPING)
473
00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:10,959
I'm going to step down.
474
00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:16,181
Of course, who you pick to
succeed me is up to you.
475
00:23:16,182 --> 00:23:18,584
- I'm sorry.
- Yusra...
476
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,119
IVY: What about Ken Thomson?
477
00:23:21,120 --> 00:23:24,600
That's a great idea, I
like funnyman! Ken!
478
00:23:24,601 --> 00:23:27,840
(CHANTING): Ken! Ken! Ken!
479
00:23:30,619 --> 00:23:32,519
Wow!
480
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:34,782
Yes, Ken Thompson!
481
00:23:34,783 --> 00:23:39,440
You have been selected to be the
next Liberal Democrat candidate!
482
00:23:43,609 --> 00:23:45,009
I knew he could do it.
483
00:23:48,076 --> 00:23:49,715
Will you marry me?
484
00:23:49,716 --> 00:23:51,939
I thought you would never ask.
485
00:23:51,940 --> 00:23:54,839
My divorce comes through in a
week. Can you live that long...
486
00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:57,119
...I mean, wait that long?
487
00:23:57,120 --> 00:23:59,799
(CHANTING): Ken! Ken! Ken!
488
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,471
Thank you, thank you. I
don't know what to say.
489
00:24:03,472 --> 00:24:07,361
I suppose, what I can promise
is, as your new candidate,
490
00:24:08,058 --> 00:24:10,125
there will be a gentler politics.
491
00:24:10,726 --> 00:24:13,925
And Yusra leaves with
her reputation intact.
492
00:24:13,926 --> 00:24:18,318
No-one needs to ask what happened,
who said what, who blackmailed who?
493
00:24:18,319 --> 00:24:20,415
Let's just move forward,
ladies and gentlemen.
494
00:24:20,416 --> 00:24:22,111
Let's move forward together.
495
00:24:22,721 --> 00:24:24,384
Together with dignity.
496
00:24:24,385 --> 00:24:26,760
Wow, a round of applause for Ken!
497
00:24:29,643 --> 00:24:31,420
Oh, no, oh, the remote!
498
00:24:31,421 --> 00:24:33,941
- Why is it playing?!
- It's the remote...
499
00:24:33,942 --> 00:24:34,983
Don't look!
500
00:24:44,391 --> 00:24:45,719
My things!
501
00:24:46,730 --> 00:24:48,209
No...
502
00:24:48,210 --> 00:24:49,771
Oh, please!
503
00:24:56,625 --> 00:25:02,840
Oh, Gordon! No! You can't
have a heart attack!
504
00:25:03,775 --> 00:25:05,520
Oh, my God!
505
00:25:06,259 --> 00:25:07,300
Please!
506
00:25:07,978 --> 00:25:10,040
Just one more week!
507
00:25:11,337 --> 00:25:12,680
Fuck a duck!
508
00:25:12,681 --> 00:25:18,102
509
00:25:18,152 --> 00:25:22,702
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