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- _
- ("We wish you a merry Christmas" playing)
16
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(Humming)
17
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(Sighs)
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("We wish you a merry Christmas" stops)
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(Clarinet plays jaunty tune)
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Chanukah.
21
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Hanukah.
22
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Hanuk-kah.
23
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Which one of you is right?
24
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(Sighs)
25
00:01:42,306 --> 00:01:45,641
I was working hard
at a New York job
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making dough but it made me blue
27
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one day I was crying a lot
28
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and so I decided to move
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to west Covina, California
30
00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:53,315
brand-new pals and new career
31
00:01:53,317 --> 00:01:55,451
it happens to be where Josh lives
32
00:01:55,453 --> 00:01:58,070
but that's not why I'm here
33
00:01:58,072 --> 00:02:00,289
she's the crazy ex-girlfriend
what? No, I'm not.
34
00:02:00,291 --> 00:02:02,124
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
35
00:02:02,126 --> 00:02:03,242
That's a sexist term.
36
00:02:03,244 --> 00:02:04,660
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
37
00:02:04,662 --> 00:02:05,828
Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?
38
00:02:05,830 --> 00:02:08,581
She's so broken inside
39
00:02:08,583 --> 00:02:09,999
The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.
40
00:02:10,001 --> 00:02:11,986
C-r-a-z-y
41
00:02:12,011 --> 00:02:13,011
Okay! We get it!
42
00:02:13,155 --> 00:02:15,140
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
43
00:02:15,326 --> 00:02:17,410
(indistinct chatter)
44
00:02:25,176 --> 00:02:26,342
I hate being a grown-up
45
00:02:26,344 --> 00:02:27,843
during the holidays. Work has me
46
00:02:27,845 --> 00:02:29,512
on double shifts this
week. I'm not even gonna get
47
00:02:29,514 --> 00:02:32,181
to go to the winter wonderland.
Gonna miss the fake snow,
48
00:02:32,183 --> 00:02:35,735
the fake presents, the fake trees.
49
00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:37,570
That's the real Christmas.
50
00:02:37,572 --> 00:02:40,156
Dude, have a nog.
51
00:02:40,158 --> 00:02:42,742
I feel you. The holidays can suck.
52
00:02:42,744 --> 00:02:44,955
I have to spend the day
shopping for gifts for my mother
53
00:02:44,980 --> 00:02:48,280
who walked out on me and
my evil twin half-siblings.
54
00:02:48,282 --> 00:02:50,616
Geez, why do they need more toys?
55
00:02:50,618 --> 00:02:52,368
- Nutmeg me.
- I don't know.
56
00:02:52,370 --> 00:02:54,537
Maybe 'cause they're
greedy. 'Cause they're brats.
57
00:02:54,539 --> 00:02:56,672
From Beverly Hills. 'Cause
they're terrible human beings.
58
00:02:56,674 --> 00:02:58,674
It's the one day of the year
59
00:02:58,942 --> 00:03:00,619
my mother trots out Greg.
60
00:03:00,644 --> 00:03:03,212
"Everybody, come gather round.
61
00:03:03,214 --> 00:03:05,633
"Greg works in a bar.
62
00:03:05,658 --> 00:03:08,134
Tell us what it's like to be poor, Greg."
63
00:03:08,136 --> 00:03:10,052
Man, the holidays blow when you're old.
64
00:03:10,054 --> 00:03:11,554
(Scoffs) I'm not even allowed to sit
65
00:03:11,556 --> 00:03:12,952
on Santa's lap anymore.
66
00:03:12,977 --> 00:03:14,677
Uh, that's just one of
the coaches dressed up.
67
00:03:14,702 --> 00:03:16,283
He'll probably let you.
68
00:03:20,609 --> 00:03:22,692
69
00:03:26,666 --> 00:03:28,166
(Elevator bell dings)
70
00:03:29,892 --> 00:03:32,022
- Oh, by the way, happy holidays.
- Oh.
71
00:03:32,047 --> 00:03:34,881
Or should I say, "chag sameach"?
72
00:03:35,254 --> 00:03:37,220
You a little phlegmy there?
73
00:03:37,199 --> 00:03:39,593
No. That's "happy hanukkah" in Hebrew.
74
00:03:39,618 --> 00:03:43,844
Oh. I'm very tight with my
Krav Maga instructor, Gilad.
75
00:03:43,846 --> 00:03:45,762
(Grunting)
76
00:03:45,764 --> 00:03:47,441
He's killed people with his thighs.
77
00:03:47,466 --> 00:03:50,765
Yes, the Sabras are a fierce people.
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00:03:50,790 --> 00:03:53,207
So, I heard back from the
San Gabriel county commission,
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00:03:53,232 --> 00:03:56,083
- Mm-hmm. - And they said, since
there are no indigenous wildlife
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00:03:56,108 --> 00:03:58,692
in your proposed industrial
park other than a pigeon...
81
00:03:58,694 --> 00:04:00,182
But screw pigeons...
You're free to build.
82
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:01,518
You are amazing.
83
00:04:01,543 --> 00:04:04,411
I have attorneys in major
cities all over this world...
84
00:04:04,423 --> 00:04:06,390
Cincinnati, Shreveport,
Tallahassee...
85
00:04:06,392 --> 00:04:08,508
And you are numero Uno.
86
00:04:08,510 --> 00:04:11,261
Grazie, signore. Mmm.
87
00:04:11,263 --> 00:04:12,596
Oh. Paula.
88
00:04:12,598 --> 00:04:14,514
Hey. Calvin.
89
00:04:14,516 --> 00:04:15,766
Hey.
90
00:04:15,768 --> 00:04:17,067
How's everything?
91
00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:19,019
How's that new grief support group?
92
00:04:19,021 --> 00:04:22,255
Well, uh, they serve a
substandard cheddar and generic
93
00:04:22,257 --> 00:04:25,158
chocolate chip cookies,
but the sharing and...
94
00:04:26,028 --> 00:04:28,111
The grieving is great.
95
00:04:28,113 --> 00:04:29,496
(Chuckles) Oh, okay.
96
00:04:30,443 --> 00:04:32,327
I need a moment. Excuse me.
97
00:04:35,282 --> 00:04:36,870
(Exhales)
98
00:04:36,872 --> 00:04:39,623
I can't believe I almost
slept with that guy. Yeah.
99
00:04:39,625 --> 00:04:41,842
Hey, wait a second. You're
wearing panty hose. Ew.
100
00:04:41,844 --> 00:04:44,010
(Gasps) Is that because your mom is coming?
101
00:04:44,012 --> 00:04:47,130
Well, I just don't want her
to complain and kvetch about
102
00:04:47,132 --> 00:04:48,432
how I'm not wearing panty hose.
103
00:04:48,691 --> 00:04:51,268
- And I just... I just want
to shut it down. - Okay.
104
00:04:51,653 --> 00:04:53,970
Also, again, I'm not trying
to please her. Or anyone.
105
00:04:53,972 --> 00:04:56,473
- Sure.
- But when you meet her, don't mention
106
00:04:56,475 --> 00:04:57,774
that Josh Chan lives here.
107
00:04:57,776 --> 00:04:59,726
Because if she hears that,
she might get the wrong idea
108
00:04:59,728 --> 00:05:01,394
and think that I moved here for him.
109
00:05:01,396 --> 00:05:02,562
- Which you did.
- Not.
110
00:05:02,564 --> 00:05:04,030
Okay, well, I'll do my best,
111
00:05:04,032 --> 00:05:06,149
but I'm not gonna magically
change to please your mother.
112
00:05:06,151 --> 00:05:09,152
- That's not what I'm trying to do.
- It's not?
113
00:05:09,154 --> 00:05:10,454
I'm not trying to please her.
114
00:05:10,456 --> 00:05:12,216
I'm not even picking
her up from the airport.
115
00:05:12,875 --> 00:05:14,958
I offered, but she said I drive
116
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,327
like the grandma she's starting
to think she'll never be.
117
00:05:17,562 --> 00:05:18,795
Come on.
118
00:05:18,797 --> 00:05:21,164
I can see right through
you. You are a mom pleaser.
119
00:05:21,166 --> 00:05:23,300
A level five mom pleaser.
120
00:05:23,302 --> 00:05:25,969
You will say anything
to make that woman happy.
121
00:05:25,971 --> 00:05:28,004
That's not true. That's not...
122
00:05:28,006 --> 00:05:29,422
That's not true at all.
123
00:05:29,424 --> 00:05:31,057
Young Rebecca: Morning, mom!
124
00:05:31,059 --> 00:05:32,676
Poached eggs,
125
00:05:32,678 --> 00:05:34,728
slightly hard. Your favorite!
126
00:05:35,111 --> 00:05:37,764
I'm three pounds over.
We're not eating eggs.
127
00:05:37,766 --> 00:05:41,017
What are you talking about?
You don't look any pounds over.
128
00:05:41,019 --> 00:05:42,352
You look great.
129
00:05:42,354 --> 00:05:43,353
You know,
130
00:05:43,355 --> 00:05:45,155
I was talking to Principal Kessler,
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00:05:45,157 --> 00:05:46,323
and he said he thought
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00:05:46,325 --> 00:05:48,358
you were the prettiest and youngest mom
133
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,193
in my whole grade.
134
00:05:50,871 --> 00:05:51,995
Just your grade?
135
00:05:52,966 --> 00:05:54,998
No, no, no. He said the whole school.
136
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:56,249
Why are you even telling me this?
137
00:05:56,251 --> 00:05:57,701
Principal Kessler's married.
138
00:05:58,783 --> 00:06:00,453
But I heard his wife is frigid.
139
00:06:00,978 --> 00:06:02,672
Go on.
140
00:06:02,674 --> 00:06:05,792
All right, I used to be a mom
pleaser, but I'm not anymore.
141
00:06:05,794 --> 00:06:08,545
I'm not gonna lie to
feed into her dysfunction.
142
00:06:08,547 --> 00:06:11,932
Who cares? Who cares what an
old lady thinks about your life?
143
00:06:11,934 --> 00:06:13,383
Not me! I'm a grown-up!
144
00:06:13,385 --> 00:06:16,386
Yes. And nothing sells
that better than yelling,
145
00:06:16,388 --> 00:06:18,054
"I'm a grown-up!"
146
00:06:20,392 --> 00:06:22,893
147
00:06:23,943 --> 00:06:26,234
- (Doorbell rings, knocking)
- (Sighs)
148
00:06:29,475 --> 00:06:31,642
(Sighs)
149
00:06:32,746 --> 00:06:36,206
Where's the bathroom?
150
00:06:36,208 --> 00:06:38,875
Where's the bathroom? I
need to use the bathroom
151
00:06:38,877 --> 00:06:40,577
tell me that you have a bathroom
152
00:06:40,579 --> 00:06:42,495
in this hovel you call home
153
00:06:42,497 --> 00:06:43,997
I don't know which was bumpier
154
00:06:43,999 --> 00:06:45,298
the plane ride or the taxi
155
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:47,250
all these freeways are a nightmare
156
00:06:47,252 --> 00:06:48,919
where's my purse? I need my comb
157
00:06:48,921 --> 00:06:50,971
by the way
158
00:06:50,973 --> 00:06:53,590
you're looking healthy and
by healthy, I mean chunky
159
00:06:53,592 --> 00:06:55,425
I don't mean that as an insult
160
00:06:55,427 --> 00:06:57,060
I'm just stating it as fact
161
00:06:58,263 --> 00:07:00,730
I see your eczema is back
162
00:07:00,732 --> 00:07:03,600
are you using the
lotion that I sent you?
163
00:07:03,602 --> 00:07:07,153
If you're not gonna use it,
I'll return it to the store
164
00:07:07,155 --> 00:07:10,574
God, I give you everything
165
00:07:10,576 --> 00:07:13,610
and still you just want
more, more, more, more, more
166
00:07:15,676 --> 00:07:18,748
where's the bathroom?
Where's the bathroom?
167
00:07:18,750 --> 00:07:21,167
You haven't told me
where your bathroom is
168
00:07:21,169 --> 00:07:22,118
It's upstairs.
169
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:23,954
Okay, fine, I need the walk
170
00:07:24,923 --> 00:07:27,591
well, your house is
dot, dot, dot charming
171
00:07:27,593 --> 00:07:28,959
though some florals
wouldn't kill you
172
00:07:28,961 --> 00:07:30,844
do you ever get a maid here?
173
00:07:30,846 --> 00:07:32,679
It's so nice to sit and talk
174
00:07:32,681 --> 00:07:35,298
since when do you have
a vendetta against vases?
175
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:36,800
When did you stop wearing makeup?
176
00:07:36,802 --> 00:07:38,551
Are you sure that you're not gay?
177
00:07:38,553 --> 00:07:41,554
I'd still love you if you were gay
178
00:07:41,556 --> 00:07:43,390
it would explain this vase vendetta
179
00:07:43,392 --> 00:07:45,475
please just tell me if you're gay
180
00:07:45,477 --> 00:07:47,060
Again, I am not gay!
181
00:07:47,062 --> 00:07:50,530
Don't interrupt me
182
00:07:50,532 --> 00:07:52,983
you're always with the talking
183
00:07:52,985 --> 00:07:54,951
I just got off a plane
184
00:07:54,953 --> 00:07:57,871
give me a moment to catch my breath
185
00:07:57,873 --> 00:08:00,991
it's the least you can do
186
00:08:00,993 --> 00:08:03,576
since you lived inside me
187
00:08:03,578 --> 00:08:05,712
for nine months, and you still
188
00:08:05,714 --> 00:08:08,081
haven't told me
189
00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:11,384
where the hell your
stupid bathroom is
190
00:08:11,386 --> 00:08:12,969
Again, it's upstairs!
191
00:08:12,971 --> 00:08:15,672
Oh, right. Thank you.
192
00:08:15,674 --> 00:08:17,924
193
00:08:24,182 --> 00:08:25,849
(Toilet flushes)
194
00:08:31,239 --> 00:08:33,573
You call that a bathroom?
195
00:08:33,575 --> 00:08:35,025
That's what passes for a bathroom?
196
00:08:35,027 --> 00:08:36,359
There were no bowls of rocks
197
00:08:36,361 --> 00:08:37,827
or any decorative soaps
198
00:08:37,829 --> 00:08:39,612
you don't even have a
bath mat, who doesn't
199
00:08:39,614 --> 00:08:42,615
have a bath mat? If you
need a bath mat, I can... oh
200
00:08:42,617 --> 00:08:44,834
did you hear? A bishop in Wisconsin
201
00:08:44,836 --> 00:08:47,671
said something anti-semitic
so the temple has decided
202
00:08:47,673 --> 00:08:49,289
to boycott cheddar cheese
203
00:08:49,291 --> 00:08:50,790
everyone asks how you're doing
204
00:08:50,792 --> 00:08:53,209
"how is wittle Becky? Is
she still a big-shot lawyer?"
205
00:08:53,211 --> 00:08:56,212
and to that I just say, "please"
206
00:08:56,214 --> 00:08:57,547
you won't get a husband this way
207
00:08:57,549 --> 00:08:58,882
at least you have your career
208
00:08:58,884 --> 00:09:00,300
oh, wait, you threw out your career
209
00:09:00,302 --> 00:09:01,885
to chase this California dream
210
00:09:01,887 --> 00:09:04,854
I wasted all that dough
on Harvard and Yale
211
00:09:04,856 --> 00:09:06,389
for you to be
212
00:09:06,391 --> 00:09:08,808
living in a dump in nowhere, USA
213
00:09:08,810 --> 00:09:11,528
getting fatter by the minute
on this greasy goyish food
214
00:09:11,530 --> 00:09:13,113
just put my luggage in my room
215
00:09:13,115 --> 00:09:14,564
could I get a glass of water?
216
00:09:14,566 --> 00:09:16,232
I'll be back in a moment
217
00:09:16,234 --> 00:09:18,318
I need to use the bathroom
218
00:09:19,454 --> 00:09:21,788
again!
219
00:09:24,459 --> 00:09:27,210
(Sighs) It's so hot in
California right now.
220
00:09:27,495 --> 00:09:29,329
I can tolerate the Christmas
crap when there's snow
221
00:09:29,331 --> 00:09:31,414
on the ground, a nip in the air. (Chuckles)
222
00:09:31,416 --> 00:09:33,049
You know, your frenemy, Audra Levine,
223
00:09:33,051 --> 00:09:34,918
she just bought a country house upstate.
224
00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:37,087
It is so cozy.
225
00:09:37,089 --> 00:09:39,756
Now, she knows how to do winter.
226
00:09:39,758 --> 00:09:42,175
You know, mom, I know
this place is different,
227
00:09:42,177 --> 00:09:43,893
but once you get to know it,
228
00:09:43,895 --> 00:09:45,428
I think you're really gonna like it.
229
00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:46,763
For the life of me, honey,
230
00:09:46,765 --> 00:09:48,431
I don't understand why you moved here.
231
00:09:48,433 --> 00:09:49,899
Do you have one good reason?
232
00:09:49,901 --> 00:09:51,351
What is so good about California?
233
00:09:51,353 --> 00:09:53,103
You know, mom, it's not very nice to, like,
234
00:09:53,105 --> 00:09:54,687
blow in here with a bunch of criticisms.
235
00:09:54,689 --> 00:09:57,023
Okay, okay. I'm exhausted.
236
00:09:57,025 --> 00:09:58,775
Yeah, why are you going to sleep right now?
237
00:09:58,777 --> 00:10:00,527
It's still light out. In New York,
238
00:10:00,529 --> 00:10:04,497
it's way past my bedtime. I
already took my sleeping pill.
239
00:10:05,283 --> 00:10:06,449
For once,
240
00:10:06,451 --> 00:10:08,251
put yourself in my shoes.
241
00:10:08,253 --> 00:10:10,003
(Sighs)
242
00:10:10,005 --> 00:10:12,255
("Jingle Bells" playing)
243
00:10:19,313 --> 00:10:20,776
The mall's about to close.
244
00:10:20,801 --> 00:10:23,372
I just need to grab something
for two kids who are either six
245
00:10:23,397 --> 00:10:26,877
or, uh... maybe they're 15?
246
00:10:26,902 --> 00:10:28,318
You are a terrible father.
247
00:10:28,343 --> 00:10:29,966
Hey, I know you.
248
00:10:29,986 --> 00:10:33,037
You're Rebecca's neighbor, right?
249
00:10:33,062 --> 00:10:36,434
- I met you at her party.
- Oh. You got really drunk,
250
00:10:36,459 --> 00:10:38,710
and then you slow-danced
with that giant fish.
251
00:10:38,735 --> 00:10:39,732
(Giggles): Oh.
252
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:41,799
That didn't happen.
253
00:10:41,824 --> 00:10:42,990
No, it did... I
have pictures.
254
00:10:43,015 --> 00:10:45,755
I saw you ask it to go home with you.
255
00:10:45,975 --> 00:10:47,858
Does this present say, "our mom sucks,
256
00:10:47,860 --> 00:10:50,662
but I'm gonna try very hard
not to hold it against you"?
257
00:10:50,868 --> 00:10:53,619
No. It says you're old and
still think kids play outside.
258
00:10:54,064 --> 00:10:54,702
Right.
259
00:10:54,727 --> 00:10:56,617
So, do you need a gift
for your mom, too?
260
00:10:56,619 --> 00:10:59,370
Uh, no. I'm gonna get her the
same gift I get her every year:
261
00:10:59,395 --> 00:11:03,263
My presence at her overly
lavish Christmas Eve Eve dinner.
262
00:11:03,459 --> 00:11:05,876
Wait. Overly lavish? Big holiday dinner?
263
00:11:05,878 --> 00:11:07,628
What's the meat sitch? Turkey, ham,
264
00:11:07,630 --> 00:11:09,130
roast beef, shrimp, salmon?
265
00:11:09,132 --> 00:11:12,099
Oh, all of it. It's so over
the top, it's embarrassing.
266
00:11:12,101 --> 00:11:13,768
Can you bring someone?
267
00:11:16,656 --> 00:11:19,682
Okay, just to be clear,
I didn't invite you. But...
268
00:11:20,968 --> 00:11:22,476
That's a great idea.
269
00:11:22,779 --> 00:11:25,696
I'll finally have a
witness to the insanity.
270
00:11:25,698 --> 00:11:27,949
Right. So what's your name?
271
00:11:28,534 --> 00:11:30,785
(Horns honking)
272
00:11:30,787 --> 00:11:32,703
(Elevator bell dings)
273
00:11:32,705 --> 00:11:35,056
Okay, mom, this is
Whitefeather & Associates.
274
00:11:35,058 --> 00:11:37,291
And yes, those are Christmas decorations.
275
00:11:37,637 --> 00:11:39,611
Where's the menorah? There's no menorah.
276
00:11:39,636 --> 00:11:41,752
Good news. I settled
the big parking lot case.
277
00:11:41,777 --> 00:11:44,278
All the plaintiffs are
getting four dollars.
278
00:11:45,418 --> 00:11:47,385
If they can find their parking receipts.
279
00:11:47,387 --> 00:11:48,970
- Good. Hey, it's good.
- Yeah?
280
00:11:48,972 --> 00:11:50,171
- Yeah. okay.
- Thank you.
281
00:11:50,173 --> 00:11:51,639
- He's a good lawyer.
- Thanks.
282
00:11:51,641 --> 00:11:53,307
Jim: Spoiler alert.
283
00:11:53,309 --> 00:11:55,476
I'm your secret Santa, Bunch.
Two pairs of panty hose,
284
00:11:55,478 --> 00:11:57,762
so I don't have to look
at those unshaven stems.
285
00:11:57,764 --> 00:11:59,007
Creamy...
286
00:11:59,349 --> 00:12:01,766
And sand storm. (Chuckles)
287
00:12:01,768 --> 00:12:03,401
He's joking
288
00:12:03,403 --> 00:12:05,686
because I'm known for
always wearing panty hose.
289
00:12:05,688 --> 00:12:07,154
It's a funny joke.
290
00:12:07,156 --> 00:12:08,189
Darryl!
291
00:12:08,191 --> 00:12:10,324
- Come meet my mother.
- Hi.
292
00:12:10,326 --> 00:12:11,359
Look, this is important.
293
00:12:11,361 --> 00:12:13,444
No one is wearing a Christmas sweater.
294
00:12:13,659 --> 00:12:15,529
Why isn't anyone wearing
a Christmas sweater?
295
00:12:15,531 --> 00:12:18,032
It is national Christmas sweater day!
296
00:12:18,574 --> 00:12:19,817
Whatever.
297
00:12:22,422 --> 00:12:23,838
Well?
298
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,540
You said not to criticize,
so I'm not criticizing.
299
00:12:26,542 --> 00:12:27,875
Well, that in itself is criticizing.
300
00:12:27,877 --> 00:12:29,126
You know that.
301
00:12:29,128 --> 00:12:31,379
All I know is that I gave up law school
302
00:12:31,381 --> 00:12:32,430
and sacrificed my dreams
303
00:12:32,432 --> 00:12:34,048
for you, and in New York,
304
00:12:34,050 --> 00:12:37,051
you worked in a skyscraper
with Audra Levine,
305
00:12:37,053 --> 00:12:38,386
and now you are here.
306
00:12:38,823 --> 00:12:39,720
But I support
307
00:12:39,722 --> 00:12:41,856
all your wacky decisions,
308
00:12:41,858 --> 00:12:43,858
like working here
309
00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:45,860
with these losers... (Sighs)
310
00:12:45,862 --> 00:12:48,006
(Echoing): Losers... losers... losers...
311
00:12:48,117 --> 00:12:49,333
Your friends are losers.
312
00:12:49,358 --> 00:12:50,890
Your father is a loser.
313
00:12:50,983 --> 00:12:52,566
You, my dear, are a loser.
314
00:12:52,568 --> 00:12:55,369
(Echoing): loser... loser... loser...
315
00:12:55,691 --> 00:12:58,739
Wait. You think this is
where I actually work?
316
00:12:58,741 --> 00:13:00,122
- Oh, yes.
- I...
317
00:13:01,244 --> 00:13:03,098
I misspoke. I don't work here.
318
00:13:03,139 --> 00:13:05,023
- What? - No, no, I'm sorry.
God, that was misleading.
319
00:13:05,048 --> 00:13:06,797
I don't work here. I was bringing you by...
320
00:13:06,799 --> 00:13:09,417
- What?
- (Whispers): I volunteer here part-time.
321
00:13:09,419 --> 00:13:10,584
(Laughs): Oh, my God.
322
00:13:10,586 --> 00:13:12,086
I mentor underprivileged lawyers,
323
00:13:12,088 --> 00:13:13,587
and I was bringing my mother by
324
00:13:13,589 --> 00:13:15,923
so that they'd feel included.
325
00:13:15,948 --> 00:13:17,368
- Underprivileged lawyers?
- Underpr...
326
00:13:17,393 --> 00:13:18,426
It's-it's very complicated. It's...
327
00:13:18,428 --> 00:13:19,760
Sounds like an oxymoron.
328
00:13:19,762 --> 00:13:20,928
Hold on. Watch. Um,
329
00:13:20,930 --> 00:13:22,179
Whitefeather employees,
330
00:13:22,181 --> 00:13:23,431
attention, attention.
331
00:13:23,433 --> 00:13:25,683
It's nice to see your
smiling faces out there.
332
00:13:25,685 --> 00:13:29,820
Thank you. I just want to
say that I believe in you,
333
00:13:29,822 --> 00:13:32,047
you can do anything you set your mind to,
334
00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:34,502
and live your dreams. happy holidays.
335
00:13:34,527 --> 00:13:35,776
Okay, let's go.
336
00:13:35,778 --> 00:13:37,161
Let's leave.
337
00:13:38,340 --> 00:13:40,114
That was good.
338
00:13:40,116 --> 00:13:41,699
Get the door. Here you go.
339
00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:43,584
I know I said I wouldn't make any comments,
340
00:13:43,586 --> 00:13:45,619
but, uh, I breathe a big sigh of relief
341
00:13:45,621 --> 00:13:47,455
that that wasn't your office.
342
00:13:47,457 --> 00:13:49,290
Oh, my gosh, I can't... that is so funny
343
00:13:49,292 --> 00:13:50,624
that you thought that was my office.
344
00:13:50,626 --> 00:13:51,759
- Uh-huh.
- No. My firm,
345
00:13:51,761 --> 00:13:52,960
I wish you could see it.
346
00:13:52,962 --> 00:13:54,678
It's over on East Cameron,
which is basically
347
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,297
the Park Avenue of West Covina.
348
00:13:56,299 --> 00:13:59,216
Yeah, and I would've
taken you there, but...
349
00:13:59,218 --> 00:14:01,802
They are closed for Hanukkah.
350
00:14:01,804 --> 00:14:05,189
- What?
- I work at a very observant Jewish firm,
351
00:14:05,191 --> 00:14:07,558
and all of them are in Israel right now,
352
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:10,978
and I was invited, too, but
I wanted to be here for you.
353
00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:12,313
- Wow.
- Yeah.
354
00:14:12,315 --> 00:14:14,482
Oh, they're mensches. And they're in Mensa.
355
00:14:14,484 --> 00:14:15,533
Oh, my God!
356
00:14:15,535 --> 00:14:17,818
Yeah, my life is just filled with winners.
357
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:19,987
- Specifically, who?
- Uh...
358
00:14:19,989 --> 00:14:23,741
Well... The VIP we're
having lunch with today.
359
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,242
Who's that?
360
00:14:25,244 --> 00:14:26,794
(Elevator bell dings)
361
00:14:27,630 --> 00:14:28,996
Paula. Paula.
362
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:30,164
(Snapping fingers) Paula.
363
00:14:30,166 --> 00:14:31,749
Okay, I need you to do
me the biggest favor.
364
00:14:31,751 --> 00:14:33,191
I need you to come to
lunch with me and my mom
365
00:14:33,216 --> 00:14:35,252
and pretend to be someone
different, someone, like, fancy.
366
00:14:35,254 --> 00:14:36,470
What?
367
00:14:36,472 --> 00:14:38,255
Thank you so much. Okay,
mom likes kitten heels,
368
00:14:38,257 --> 00:14:39,840
so change into that,
and she also likes Jews.
369
00:14:39,842 --> 00:14:41,926
I guess there's not much you
can do about that by lunchtime.
370
00:14:41,928 --> 00:14:43,427
(Imitating siren): Whoo, whoo, whoo!
371
00:14:43,429 --> 00:14:45,729
Level five mom-pleaser
alert. Whoo, whoo...
372
00:14:45,731 --> 00:14:47,014
Hey. You're right. You win.
373
00:14:47,016 --> 00:14:49,400
I'm a total mom pleaser.
Just make me seem awesome.
374
00:14:49,402 --> 00:14:50,434
Okay?
375
00:14:50,436 --> 00:14:52,153
(Sighs) Turns out my real life is garbage,
376
00:14:52,155 --> 00:14:53,854
but my fake life is amazing!
377
00:14:53,856 --> 00:14:56,073
Thank you. You're the best. See you soon.
378
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:05,554
379
00:15:06,938 --> 00:15:08,571
(Indistinct chatter)
380
00:15:08,596 --> 00:15:11,351
So, yeah, I had to break
up with him. I know.
381
00:15:11,376 --> 00:15:13,318
He was a Saudi prince,
but he wouldn't convert,
382
00:15:13,343 --> 00:15:14,632
and that's a deal breaker for me.
383
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,358
He was so upset when I told him.
384
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:17,374
You should have seen his face.
385
00:15:17,403 --> 00:15:19,687
He couldn't drag-race his
Porsche for weeks afterward.
386
00:15:19,689 --> 00:15:21,355
Why was a prince in West Covina?
387
00:15:21,357 --> 00:15:22,856
He wanted to buy it.
388
00:15:23,581 --> 00:15:25,503
Lovely man. We still text sometimes.
389
00:15:25,528 --> 00:15:27,027
He owns texting.
390
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:28,269
- What?
- Mm-hmm.
391
00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:29,853
Oh.
392
00:15:31,753 --> 00:15:33,419
That's a strange wave.
393
00:15:33,642 --> 00:15:35,350
She isn't strange, is she?
394
00:15:35,375 --> 00:15:37,345
You never made the most normal friends.
395
00:15:37,374 --> 00:15:38,757
She's not strange. She's actually...
396
00:15:38,759 --> 00:15:43,428
(British accent): Hello!
Lovely to meet you, my dear.
397
00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:45,013
British. She's British.
398
00:15:45,015 --> 00:15:47,049
That's the surprise. Surprise.
399
00:15:47,051 --> 00:15:50,719
(Laughs) Rebecca didn't tell me
she had a friend from England.
400
00:15:50,721 --> 00:15:52,437
Now, that's very interesting.
401
00:15:52,439 --> 00:15:53,639
Mmm. Yes.
402
00:15:53,641 --> 00:15:55,824
So, Paula is from London town,
403
00:15:55,826 --> 00:15:56,884
I guess.
404
00:15:56,909 --> 00:15:58,475
Uh, and she grew up...
405
00:15:59,624 --> 00:16:01,040
on Abbey Road.
406
00:16:01,065 --> 00:16:02,731
- Abbey Road?
- Yes.
407
00:16:02,733 --> 00:16:05,984
I was literally born on the crosswalk.
408
00:16:05,986 --> 00:16:08,830
(Laughs) My mum couldn't
make it to hospital.
409
00:16:08,855 --> 00:16:09,604
(Laughs)
410
00:16:09,629 --> 00:16:10,962
True story.
411
00:16:11,075 --> 00:16:13,575
Well, how do you like it here in...
412
00:16:13,577 --> 00:16:15,410
- California?
- Oh, California.
413
00:16:15,412 --> 00:16:16,995
California. It's a cultural wasteland.
414
00:16:16,997 --> 00:16:19,131
- Yes.
- And the way they do holidays here,
415
00:16:19,133 --> 00:16:21,667
I mean, it's completely arse about face.
416
00:16:21,669 --> 00:16:25,637
(Laughs) And it is tough to drink
hot toddies when you're shvitzing.
417
00:16:25,639 --> 00:16:26,822
(Paula and Naomi laugh)
418
00:16:26,824 --> 00:16:28,557
Oh, I'm Jewish, by the way.
419
00:16:28,559 --> 00:16:29,558
- You're Jewish?
- Yes.
420
00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:30,976
- A British Jew?
- Yes!
421
00:16:30,978 --> 00:16:32,511
That is fabulous.
422
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:34,096
British Jew.
423
00:16:34,098 --> 00:16:36,265
Tea and matzo, anyone?
424
00:16:36,267 --> 00:16:37,933
- (Laughs)
- You're funny.
425
00:16:37,935 --> 00:16:39,568
Well, since you're British,
426
00:16:39,570 --> 00:16:41,520
we must do tea, even if it's iced.
427
00:16:41,522 --> 00:16:43,021
So I'll go tell the waiter.
428
00:16:43,023 --> 00:16:44,606
Lovely.
429
00:16:44,608 --> 00:16:47,109
Waiter! Hello! Hello!
430
00:16:50,264 --> 00:16:52,080
- So, you're British.
- Yeah.
431
00:16:52,082 --> 00:16:53,498
And you hate California.
432
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,117
Hey. You said to be impressive.
433
00:16:55,119 --> 00:16:56,952
And I took a corporate improv class,
434
00:16:56,954 --> 00:16:58,720
and they told us to make bold choices.
435
00:16:58,722 --> 00:16:59,955
So don't you criticize.
436
00:16:59,957 --> 00:17:01,540
I am doing you a huge favor,
437
00:17:01,542 --> 00:17:03,892
'cause you know I don't approve
of this whole codependent...
438
00:17:03,894 --> 00:17:07,129
(British accent):
Charade. Or your schedule,
439
00:17:07,131 --> 00:17:09,431
your aluminium, your vitamins.
440
00:17:09,433 --> 00:17:11,633
Oh, bollocks! It's so difficult to stop
441
00:17:11,635 --> 00:17:13,802
once you get started.
(Normal voice): Cookie,
442
00:17:13,804 --> 00:17:16,405
you don't get it. There is no lie
443
00:17:16,407 --> 00:17:18,874
that you can tell this woman
that will get her approval.
444
00:17:18,876 --> 00:17:21,526
And it should not matter
anyway, because you are not 15.
445
00:17:21,528 --> 00:17:22,778
I know I'm not 15, okay?
446
00:17:22,780 --> 00:17:24,896
Just stop badgering me and pestering me.
447
00:17:24,898 --> 00:17:26,631
God, just give me some space.
448
00:17:26,633 --> 00:17:28,986
Paula, the waiter just told me.
449
00:17:29,453 --> 00:17:32,254
They don't even have English Breakfast tea.
450
00:17:32,729 --> 00:17:33,989
(Gasps) Ghastly.
451
00:17:34,334 --> 00:17:37,159
I bet if you asked him for
a crumpet, he would plotz.
452
00:17:37,161 --> 00:17:38,493
(Paula and Naomi laugh)
453
00:17:38,495 --> 00:17:40,329
(Laughs) Rebecca,
454
00:17:40,331 --> 00:17:42,822
you finally found a
friend who's not a loser.
455
00:17:42,847 --> 00:17:44,904
Finally! After all these...
(British accent): Years.
456
00:17:44,929 --> 00:17:48,253
- "Years." So-so many...
- That's very good. Years.
457
00:17:48,255 --> 00:17:50,005
Thank you.
458
00:17:50,007 --> 00:17:52,224
459
00:17:56,013 --> 00:17:57,346
(Sighs)
460
00:17:57,348 --> 00:17:59,014
This is pretty cush.
461
00:17:59,016 --> 00:18:00,849
This? It's tacky.
462
00:18:00,851 --> 00:18:03,185
It has no cultural integrity.
463
00:18:03,187 --> 00:18:06,521
Unlike West Covina, which is
so historically interesting.
464
00:18:06,523 --> 00:18:07,502
Fair point.
465
00:18:08,192 --> 00:18:09,825
California is vulgar.
466
00:18:10,450 --> 00:18:12,577
(Sighs) You ready to be
in the real housewives
467
00:18:12,579 --> 00:18:14,279
of the rich and famous?
468
00:18:14,281 --> 00:18:16,114
That's not a show.
469
00:18:16,116 --> 00:18:18,533
I know it's not a show.
470
00:18:18,535 --> 00:18:20,369
Greggy!
471
00:18:20,371 --> 00:18:22,580
- Hi...
- Oh!
472
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:24,539
Who's this?
473
00:18:24,541 --> 00:18:25,957
My friend.
474
00:18:25,959 --> 00:18:27,843
It's so nice to meet you. I'm Shauna.
475
00:18:27,886 --> 00:18:29,855
I'm so happy to see the both of you.
476
00:18:29,880 --> 00:18:32,214
I've been dying for Greg to
bring some friends around.
477
00:18:32,216 --> 00:18:34,132
Because I have no friends. I got it.
478
00:18:34,134 --> 00:18:35,717
Clocked that. Thanks, Shauna.
479
00:18:36,470 --> 00:18:39,054
I wish you'd call me "mom."
480
00:18:39,420 --> 00:18:40,856
Come on in.
481
00:18:40,858 --> 00:18:42,224
See what I mean?
482
00:18:42,226 --> 00:18:43,475
Monster.
483
00:18:43,775 --> 00:18:46,943
("Deck the halls" playing)
484
00:18:51,657 --> 00:18:53,859
- Happy holidays!
- Happy holidays!
485
00:18:54,193 --> 00:18:56,359
Baby bartenders. Cool.
486
00:18:56,361 --> 00:18:58,011
The drinks are virgin. We watched, like,
487
00:18:58,013 --> 00:19:00,030
17 YouTube videos on how to make them.
488
00:19:00,032 --> 00:19:01,498
The kids think it's so cool
489
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:03,248
that their big brother works at a bar.
490
00:19:03,418 --> 00:19:05,752
(Chuckles) You know,
romanticizing the working class
491
00:19:05,754 --> 00:19:08,930
perpetuates economic disparity. Right?
492
00:19:09,124 --> 00:19:10,428
I don't know.
493
00:19:10,453 --> 00:19:12,486
I don't think that's what
your mother meant, Greg.
494
00:19:13,295 --> 00:19:15,208
Yeah, there's nothing
wrong with working at a bar.
495
00:19:15,233 --> 00:19:18,534
Though, if you don't want to and
you wanted to go back to school,
496
00:19:18,566 --> 00:19:20,435
- Stew and I would be happy to contribute.
- Yeah.
497
00:19:20,627 --> 00:19:23,053
Again, I'm not taking
any money from you guys.
498
00:19:23,161 --> 00:19:25,812
I'm not a freeloader. Like Mason and Lily.
499
00:19:27,233 --> 00:19:28,316
That's not what I meant.
500
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:30,925
And-and Mason and Lily are children.
501
00:19:31,230 --> 00:19:32,729
Are they?
502
00:19:32,731 --> 00:19:35,315
(Video game sounds)
503
00:19:38,489 --> 00:19:41,628
So, your fake tree looks so real.
504
00:19:41,653 --> 00:19:42,652
It is real.
505
00:19:42,677 --> 00:19:44,343
Unlike some people's boobs.
506
00:19:44,368 --> 00:19:47,285
Greg, my boobs are real.
507
00:19:48,190 --> 00:19:49,940
Real expensive. (Laughs)
508
00:19:49,965 --> 00:19:51,550
(Laughs)
509
00:19:51,575 --> 00:19:52,874
(Laughs)
510
00:19:53,007 --> 00:19:55,257
What? She's hilarious.
511
00:19:55,387 --> 00:19:58,839
("We Wish you a Merry Christmas" playing)
512
00:20:02,325 --> 00:20:03,927
Um, excuse me.
513
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,805
Are-are you Josh Chan?
514
00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:07,496
Like, the Josh Chan?
515
00:20:07,800 --> 00:20:10,517
- I guess so.
- I knew it.
516
00:20:10,519 --> 00:20:12,269
You were the captain of my high school's
517
00:20:12,271 --> 00:20:14,604
'06 national championship
hip-hop team, right?
518
00:20:14,606 --> 00:20:17,240
(Chuckles) I mean, I pass by
that trophy in the hallway,
519
00:20:17,242 --> 00:20:18,441
like, every single day.
520
00:20:18,443 --> 00:20:21,167
Wait, didn't you create the swoop bye-bye?
521
00:20:21,209 --> 00:20:23,042
What, you mean this?
Ooh, pah-kah-kah-kah.
522
00:20:23,165 --> 00:20:24,915
(Whoops) Look,
523
00:20:24,917 --> 00:20:26,783
um, I don't want to bother you,
524
00:20:26,785 --> 00:20:28,752
but we're doing a show
for winter wonderland.
525
00:20:28,754 --> 00:20:31,121
Would you want to come and
check it out? I mean, we still
526
00:20:31,123 --> 00:20:32,873
do that number that you choreographed in
527
00:20:32,875 --> 00:20:35,208
your senior year. Maybe you
could come a little early
528
00:20:35,210 --> 00:20:36,309
and give us some tips.
529
00:20:36,334 --> 00:20:37,834
Me? Give you tips?
530
00:20:38,034 --> 00:20:40,034
I don't know if I'm qualified.
531
00:20:40,966 --> 00:20:41,965
(Whoops)
532
00:20:41,967 --> 00:20:43,183
Swoop hello!
533
00:20:43,185 --> 00:20:44,467
So you'll be there?
534
00:20:44,469 --> 00:20:46,970
(Chuckles) I-I have work that day.
535
00:20:46,972 --> 00:20:48,887
Double shift at Aloha Tech.
536
00:20:48,912 --> 00:20:51,162
Man, adult stuff sucks.
537
00:20:51,443 --> 00:20:53,894
Yeah. Yeah. You'll see. (Chuckles)
538
00:20:53,896 --> 00:20:56,863
Well, it was nice to meet you. Uh...
539
00:20:56,865 --> 00:20:58,859
So, uh, yeah, good luck with the show.
540
00:20:58,884 --> 00:21:00,948
- Oh, thanks, Mr. Chan.
- Oh, it's...
541
00:21:00,973 --> 00:21:02,556
It's-it's just Josh.
542
00:21:02,581 --> 00:21:04,614
Okay, Mr. Josh.
543
00:21:07,793 --> 00:21:09,209
Rebecca: Um, so I know these
544
00:21:09,211 --> 00:21:11,461
latkes are frozen and, like, oblong,
545
00:21:11,463 --> 00:21:12,996
but they're pretty good.
546
00:21:12,998 --> 00:21:14,047
(Muffled): It's good.
547
00:21:14,049 --> 00:21:15,916
- Mm-hmm.
- You know, I went on a diet
548
00:21:15,918 --> 00:21:18,301
where I didn't eat
carbohydrates for months. Mm.
549
00:21:18,303 --> 00:21:19,920
And I looked fabulous,
550
00:21:19,922 --> 00:21:21,304
but I passed out at Bloomingdale's.
551
00:21:21,306 --> 00:21:22,589
In the petite department.
552
00:21:22,591 --> 00:21:24,007
(Both laugh)
553
00:21:24,009 --> 00:21:25,508
Ooh.
554
00:21:25,510 --> 00:21:27,844
I got to hit the ladies'.
555
00:21:27,846 --> 00:21:30,313
Room. I ain't no football player.
556
00:21:30,315 --> 00:21:32,349
(Laughing): I love that joke, mom.
557
00:21:32,351 --> 00:21:34,184
(Sighs)
558
00:21:34,186 --> 00:21:37,487
(Door opens and closes)
559
00:21:38,607 --> 00:21:41,608
560
00:21:45,187 --> 00:21:46,413
Paula, I think
561
00:21:46,415 --> 00:21:49,866
my mom is about to give
me the Garfinkel ring.
562
00:21:49,868 --> 00:21:52,252
It's been passed down in
my family for generations,
563
00:21:52,254 --> 00:21:54,120
usually every girl gets
it on her 18th birthday,
564
00:21:54,122 --> 00:21:56,089
I did not receive it on my 18th birthday,
565
00:21:56,091 --> 00:21:57,707
but I think I'm about to get it!
566
00:21:57,709 --> 00:22:00,093
Oh, that stupid ring that your family
567
00:22:00,095 --> 00:22:01,845
holds onto like a bunch of hobbits?
568
00:22:01,847 --> 00:22:04,014
Do you really think that bitch
is finally gonna hand it over?
569
00:22:04,016 --> 00:22:05,465
Dude, okay, she's not a bitch.
570
00:22:05,467 --> 00:22:06,633
We're actually getting along.
571
00:22:06,635 --> 00:22:08,802
I really think we've turned a corner
572
00:22:08,804 --> 00:22:10,270
in our relationship somehow.
573
00:22:10,272 --> 00:22:12,973
Oh, and that ring would be
the last seal of approval.
574
00:22:12,975 --> 00:22:16,893
It's that... that final
drop of mother's milk.
575
00:22:16,895 --> 00:22:17,944
(Toilet flushes, door opens)
576
00:22:17,946 --> 00:22:19,362
Oh, she's coming.
577
00:22:19,364 --> 00:22:21,731
I don't want her to be mad. Bye!
578
00:22:22,997 --> 00:22:24,380
Time for gifts.
579
00:22:24,453 --> 00:22:26,369
Oh! Wait, I have something for you.
580
00:22:26,870 --> 00:22:28,822
Saw this at the mall, oh.
581
00:22:28,824 --> 00:22:31,124
And I thought: Pretty and elegant,
582
00:22:31,126 --> 00:22:32,909
just like my mom.
583
00:22:33,117 --> 00:22:34,833
Thank you.
584
00:22:36,164 --> 00:22:37,644
It's crystal.
585
00:22:40,271 --> 00:22:41,472
A crystal...
586
00:22:43,138 --> 00:22:44,637
- Rectal thermometer?
- What?
587
00:22:44,639 --> 00:22:46,723
(Laughs): No. No, no.
You put your rings on it.
588
00:22:46,725 --> 00:22:48,758
Why would you put your rings
on a rectal thermometer?
589
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,093
Again, it's not... it's
not a rectal thermometer.
590
00:22:50,095 --> 00:22:51,094
Okay, never mind, never mind.
591
00:22:51,096 --> 00:22:52,595
At least it looks expensive,
592
00:22:52,597 --> 00:22:55,265
and, uh, I'm going to, uh,
593
00:22:55,267 --> 00:22:56,735
I'm gonna keep it.
594
00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,342
And, uh...
595
00:22:58,546 --> 00:23:00,346
Now I've got a gift for you.
596
00:23:00,371 --> 00:23:01,570
You do?
597
00:23:01,595 --> 00:23:02,644
Ready?
598
00:23:02,657 --> 00:23:04,050
Uh-huh. Uh, yes.
599
00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:16,286
- Oh. (Laughs)
- Open it.
600
00:23:16,288 --> 00:23:17,337
Okay.
601
00:23:17,339 --> 00:23:18,371
Big.
602
00:23:18,373 --> 00:23:20,123
Oh... I ran out this morning.
603
00:23:20,125 --> 00:23:21,958
Now you have your own vase.
604
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,793
I need it. Wonderful.
605
00:23:23,795 --> 00:23:25,295
Thank you.
606
00:23:25,297 --> 00:23:26,465
And...
607
00:23:27,509 --> 00:23:30,266
I brought something else for you, too.
608
00:23:30,268 --> 00:23:31,518
Really?
609
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:32,719
I brought it from home.
610
00:23:32,721 --> 00:23:33,636
Yeah?
611
00:23:33,638 --> 00:23:34,746
But, um...
612
00:23:35,891 --> 00:23:37,107
Maybe later.
613
00:23:37,109 --> 00:23:38,191
Well, we can do it now.
614
00:23:38,193 --> 00:23:39,275
Right? We can do it...
615
00:23:39,277 --> 00:23:40,443
(Phone ringing) When...
616
00:23:40,445 --> 00:23:41,728
Later.
617
00:23:41,730 --> 00:23:44,271
Uh, hold on. Hold on.
618
00:23:48,286 --> 00:23:50,002
Uh... oh.
619
00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:52,322
Who's that?
620
00:23:52,324 --> 00:23:53,823
He's easy on the eyes.
621
00:23:53,825 --> 00:23:55,992
He's just a client.
622
00:23:55,994 --> 00:23:57,994
But it's the holidays.
I don't have to answer.
623
00:23:57,996 --> 00:23:59,662
Let's go back to that ring.
624
00:23:59,664 --> 00:24:00,663
- I mean...
- (Stammering)
625
00:24:00,665 --> 00:24:02,832
What? Client?
626
00:24:02,834 --> 00:24:04,217
I mean, that's work. That's important.
627
00:24:04,219 --> 00:24:05,502
No, no, please, go ahead.
628
00:24:05,504 --> 00:24:06,131
Okay.
629
00:24:06,156 --> 00:24:08,740
I'll... I'll be just one second.
630
00:24:09,307 --> 00:24:10,306
Hi, Calvin.
631
00:24:10,308 --> 00:24:11,224
What's up?
632
00:24:11,249 --> 00:24:12,175
I see.
633
00:24:12,293 --> 00:24:14,015
You know, I'm... I'm with my mom right now,
634
00:24:14,040 --> 00:24:15,073
so I can't.
635
00:24:15,268 --> 00:24:16,767
Okay. Bye.
636
00:24:16,792 --> 00:24:18,375
That doesn't sound like a work thing.
637
00:24:18,433 --> 00:24:20,258
That sounds like secret lover language.
638
00:24:20,283 --> 00:24:21,359
It... no.
639
00:24:21,384 --> 00:24:22,715
So, he's a client,
640
00:24:22,740 --> 00:24:25,897
and he had, um, an urgent
matter with a permit,
641
00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:27,671
and he wanted to meet with me tonight,
642
00:24:27,696 --> 00:24:28,996
but I can't.
643
00:24:29,021 --> 00:24:30,220
During the holidays?
644
00:24:30,245 --> 00:24:32,045
Doesn't he have a wife or anything?
645
00:24:32,070 --> 00:24:33,185
He's actually a recent widower.
646
00:24:33,210 --> 00:24:34,209
But I told him no,
647
00:24:34,234 --> 00:24:35,650
so let's get back to you and me.
648
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:36,749
No, no, no, no, no, no.
649
00:24:36,751 --> 00:24:37,834
You should go.
650
00:24:37,836 --> 00:24:39,335
What could be more important than work?
651
00:24:39,967 --> 00:24:43,540
I mean, I feel like some
people would say... family?
652
00:24:43,542 --> 00:24:44,841
You should go.
653
00:24:45,128 --> 00:24:46,127
I'll come with you!
654
00:24:46,955 --> 00:24:48,044
Okay.
655
00:24:48,046 --> 00:24:48,766
Great, great, great.
656
00:24:48,791 --> 00:24:49,853
So what should I wear?
657
00:24:49,878 --> 00:24:51,577
Is he a boob man or a butt man?
658
00:24:56,005 --> 00:24:57,504
(indistinct chatter)
659
00:24:58,399 --> 00:25:00,483
I would love another glass of wine.
660
00:25:00,485 --> 00:25:01,700
Okay.
661
00:25:01,702 --> 00:25:03,652
Mom, um, that'll be your second.
662
00:25:03,654 --> 00:25:04,820
Let's pace ourselves.
663
00:25:04,822 --> 00:25:07,573
Anyway, let's get back to my story.
664
00:25:07,716 --> 00:25:11,160
So that is when I told my little Becca
665
00:25:11,473 --> 00:25:13,045
to close her legs
666
00:25:13,047 --> 00:25:15,214
and stop getting to know
667
00:25:15,216 --> 00:25:18,476
the whole Ivy league a Capella circuit.
668
00:25:18,501 --> 00:25:19,617
(Laughs) ?wh...
669
00:25:19,642 --> 00:25:20,808
She's not great with metaphors.
670
00:25:20,833 --> 00:25:22,216
When she says "getting to know""
671
00:25:22,241 --> 00:25:24,825
she means I was writing an
article on them for the crimson.
672
00:25:24,862 --> 00:25:26,445
So that baritone from Cornell
673
00:25:26,470 --> 00:25:28,887
gave you HPV during an interview?
674
00:25:28,980 --> 00:25:31,013
Mm-hmm. (Sighs)
675
00:25:31,015 --> 00:25:32,181
(Chuckling)
676
00:25:32,183 --> 00:25:33,849
What a wonderful anecdote.
677
00:25:34,343 --> 00:25:36,018
Rebecca, I need to talk to you
678
00:25:36,020 --> 00:25:38,187
about the zoning for the
property near the L.A. river.
679
00:25:38,189 --> 00:25:40,523
We need to get that proposal
in before the new year.
680
00:25:40,525 --> 00:25:42,024
I totally agree, Cal...
681
00:25:42,026 --> 00:25:43,859
And that sounds pretty, um, dangerous.
682
00:25:44,613 --> 00:25:46,862
What happens after the end of the year?
683
00:25:47,027 --> 00:25:48,497
Interest rates go up.
684
00:25:48,499 --> 00:25:50,533
Ooh... Interesting.
685
00:25:50,535 --> 00:25:53,168
(Both laughing)
686
00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:55,591
("We Wish You a Merry Christmas" playing)
687
00:25:57,625 --> 00:26:00,009
Yes. Yes.
688
00:26:00,011 --> 00:26:01,510
Outside the box. Whoa.
689
00:26:01,512 --> 00:26:02,511
What are you doing?
690
00:26:02,513 --> 00:26:05,798
I wanted a witness, not a turncoat.
691
00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:07,216
Gingerbread houses are fun.
692
00:26:07,218 --> 00:26:09,218
And I could never have
one when I was little,
693
00:26:09,220 --> 00:26:11,270
'cause I get so hyper from sugar.
694
00:26:11,272 --> 00:26:13,055
Look how hyper I am.
695
00:26:13,057 --> 00:26:14,139
It's not that.
696
00:26:14,141 --> 00:26:16,725
The cozying up to my family and Shauna.
697
00:26:16,727 --> 00:26:18,277
Yeah, why don't you call her "mom"?
698
00:26:18,279 --> 00:26:21,063
The whole "Shauna" thing
is, like, creeping me out.
699
00:26:21,065 --> 00:26:22,731
See, you're taking her side.
700
00:26:22,733 --> 00:26:24,617
You know, the whole reason that I came here
701
00:26:24,619 --> 00:26:26,368
is 'cause I thought that you were cute
702
00:26:26,370 --> 00:26:28,070
and that they were going to be terrible.
703
00:26:28,072 --> 00:26:30,873
But you're terrible and they're cute.
704
00:26:30,875 --> 00:26:33,208
- Did you say...
- Who wants a nog refill?
705
00:26:33,210 --> 00:26:34,577
Okay, what is that supposed to mean?
706
00:26:34,579 --> 00:26:36,836
See? You're doing it. Stop.
707
00:26:36,998 --> 00:26:39,748
Sorry, poopsy over here
hasn't had his nap yet.
708
00:26:41,012 --> 00:26:42,251
Is something burning?
709
00:26:42,253 --> 00:26:43,335
Oh, ooh!
710
00:26:43,337 --> 00:26:45,254
I think I left cookies in the oven.
711
00:26:45,256 --> 00:26:46,505
Oh, you left something?
712
00:26:46,507 --> 00:26:47,506
Shocker.
713
00:26:47,752 --> 00:26:48,757
Excuse me?
714
00:26:48,759 --> 00:26:50,142
Nothing.
715
00:26:50,144 --> 00:26:51,477
Greg, I think you should tell us
716
00:26:51,479 --> 00:26:52,428
what you meant by that.
717
00:26:52,430 --> 00:26:53,596
Oh, no, don't get him started.
718
00:26:53,598 --> 00:26:55,848
He's just never gotten
over you leaving him.
719
00:26:55,850 --> 00:26:57,900
Anyways, I know it's early,
720
00:26:57,902 --> 00:26:59,935
but can I make a to-go plate?
721
00:27:01,424 --> 00:27:02,938
Um, what kind of material is this?
722
00:27:02,940 --> 00:27:04,023
Oh, it's just a coat.
723
00:27:04,025 --> 00:27:06,158
Harris tweed? Uh, some kind of wool.
724
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:07,242
It's really nice.
725
00:27:07,244 --> 00:27:09,111
Hey, mom. How about I
get you another drink?
726
00:27:09,113 --> 00:27:11,614
Huh? How about some, uh,
some water? On the rocks?
727
00:27:11,616 --> 00:27:12,948
I'm not drunk, dear.
728
00:27:12,950 --> 00:27:15,451
I'm just having this...
This wonderful time.
729
00:27:15,453 --> 00:27:16,702
I know.
730
00:27:16,704 --> 00:27:18,454
But, you know, I'm finished
working with Calvin,
731
00:27:18,456 --> 00:27:20,789
and I just... I hope
we're not holding him up.
732
00:27:20,791 --> 00:27:21,757
(Phone ringing)
733
00:27:21,759 --> 00:27:23,042
Oh. Excuse me.
734
00:27:23,044 --> 00:27:25,044
I need to take this, ladies.
735
00:27:25,046 --> 00:27:26,712
Uh, hello.
736
00:27:26,714 --> 00:27:27,796
Yeah.
737
00:27:27,798 --> 00:27:28,797
Mmm...
738
00:27:28,799 --> 00:27:29,765
I think it's time to go.
739
00:27:29,767 --> 00:27:32,017
- Agreed.
- Not us. You.
740
00:27:32,019 --> 00:27:33,352
Honey...
741
00:27:33,354 --> 00:27:35,304
You have no idea what it is like
742
00:27:35,306 --> 00:27:37,389
for a single woman of
my age in Westchester.
743
00:27:37,391 --> 00:27:38,807
Everyone is so boring
744
00:27:38,809 --> 00:27:41,324
or married or cancer...
745
00:27:42,006 --> 00:27:43,145
That sounds hard.
746
00:27:43,147 --> 00:27:45,564
And he's practically
throwing himself at me,
747
00:27:45,566 --> 00:27:46,865
don't you think?
748
00:27:46,867 --> 00:27:48,984
He's absolutely coming on to you.
749
00:27:48,986 --> 00:27:49,985
Okay.
750
00:27:49,987 --> 00:27:51,036
Then go to Calvin
751
00:27:51,038 --> 00:27:52,321
and say I'm good to go.
752
00:27:53,824 --> 00:27:55,207
Are... are you serious?
753
00:27:55,209 --> 00:27:58,744
Becca... I thought you and
I were getting along so well.
754
00:27:59,015 --> 00:28:00,314
Having fun.
755
00:28:00,500 --> 00:28:03,118
You don't want me to
have fun while I'm here?
756
00:28:04,585 --> 00:28:05,834
Okay.
757
00:28:05,836 --> 00:28:07,302
I did not leave you, Greg.
758
00:28:07,304 --> 00:28:09,171
Really? Because I remember bags packed,
759
00:28:09,173 --> 00:28:11,473
carried down the stairs,
and a car pulling away.
760
00:28:11,475 --> 00:28:12,925
Are those staying activities?
761
00:28:12,927 --> 00:28:14,476
I wanted you to live with me,
762
00:28:14,904 --> 00:28:17,179
but you insisted on staying in West Covina.
763
00:28:17,181 --> 00:28:18,597
You just wanted me to leave dad?
764
00:28:18,599 --> 00:28:19,682
After you did?
765
00:28:20,245 --> 00:28:21,567
You're just like your father.
766
00:28:21,779 --> 00:28:23,746
You want things black and white.
767
00:28:24,066 --> 00:28:24,987
You're right.
768
00:28:25,316 --> 00:28:26,238
I made a mistake.
769
00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,906
But it wasn't leaving your father.
770
00:28:27,908 --> 00:28:29,449
We were both unhappy.
771
00:28:30,060 --> 00:28:31,276
My mistake was that
772
00:28:31,278 --> 00:28:33,412
I should have insisted on shared custody.
773
00:28:34,158 --> 00:28:35,164
I didn't want to force it.
774
00:28:35,166 --> 00:28:36,999
I didn't want you to hate me.
775
00:28:37,689 --> 00:28:39,542
Obviously, that didn't work.
776
00:28:42,711 --> 00:28:44,878
Greg, you are always welcome here.
777
00:28:44,937 --> 00:28:46,804
We all love you.
778
00:28:47,958 --> 00:28:49,908
This is your home, too.
779
00:28:52,155 --> 00:28:54,550
You know, I usually
don't say this to people,
780
00:28:54,552 --> 00:28:57,720
'cause it's a bit too on the nose for me,
781
00:28:57,722 --> 00:29:00,389
but you need to get over
yourself and grow up.
782
00:29:01,012 --> 00:29:03,475
And now, 'cause I'm hungry.
783
00:29:03,477 --> 00:29:04,357
Wait.
784
00:29:04,895 --> 00:29:06,729
You're the only person here
not involved in this situation,
785
00:29:06,731 --> 00:29:08,397
and you think I'm the one out of line?
786
00:29:08,399 --> 00:29:10,699
Um, yeah.
787
00:29:10,701 --> 00:29:12,701
Because she's cool and you're a dick.
788
00:29:12,780 --> 00:29:14,563
- Mason!
- That was...
789
00:29:17,972 --> 00:29:19,041
warranted.
790
00:29:19,598 --> 00:29:21,410
Good call, Mason.
791
00:29:22,405 --> 00:29:23,796
I'm sorry.
792
00:29:28,631 --> 00:29:30,247
I'm sorry, mom.
793
00:29:31,599 --> 00:29:33,227
Thanks, Greg.
794
00:29:35,926 --> 00:29:37,509
Mm-hmm. Okay.
795
00:29:37,511 --> 00:29:39,561
- Good-bye.
- Hey, Cal.
796
00:29:39,563 --> 00:29:41,563
So I'm gonna head home.
797
00:29:41,565 --> 00:29:42,598
Have a wonderful holiday,
798
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,516
and I need you to sleep with my mom. Bye.
799
00:29:44,751 --> 00:29:46,267
Excuse me?
800
00:29:50,841 --> 00:29:52,891
Okay, so... I need you to sleep
801
00:29:52,916 --> 00:29:54,080
with my mom, just a little bit.
802
00:29:54,105 --> 00:29:55,104
Doesn't have to be all the way.
803
00:29:55,129 --> 00:29:56,595
It could be anything of your choosing.
804
00:29:56,620 --> 00:29:57,986
Hand stuff, an erotic massage...
805
00:29:58,011 --> 00:30:00,011
(Laughing)
806
00:30:00,263 --> 00:30:01,239
Oh.
807
00:30:01,598 --> 00:30:02,647
You're serious.
808
00:30:02,649 --> 00:30:03,814
Come on.
809
00:30:03,816 --> 00:30:05,933
Look, I bet she is a
real spitfire in the sack,
810
00:30:05,935 --> 00:30:07,101
if she's anything like her daughter.
811
00:30:07,103 --> 00:30:08,402
Right? You look confused.
812
00:30:08,404 --> 00:30:09,698
Let me lay this out for you.
813
00:30:09,723 --> 00:30:10,756
There is a ring,
814
00:30:11,282 --> 00:30:13,499
and it's been in my family for generations,
815
00:30:13,501 --> 00:30:16,619
and I am so close to getting that ring.
816
00:30:16,621 --> 00:30:18,454
But if you turn down my mother tonight,
817
00:30:18,456 --> 00:30:20,122
that ring goes bye-bye.
818
00:30:20,457 --> 00:30:21,707
(Sighs)
819
00:30:24,300 --> 00:30:25,428
Please?
820
00:30:25,430 --> 00:30:27,179
Please, please, please, please, please.
821
00:30:27,181 --> 00:30:29,364
Okay. I-i get it.
822
00:30:29,600 --> 00:30:31,300
I'm a mom pleaser myself.
823
00:30:31,302 --> 00:30:33,018
Exactly. So you understand the burden.
824
00:30:33,020 --> 00:30:34,101
So you'll do it.
825
00:30:34,126 --> 00:30:34,982
No.
826
00:30:45,900 --> 00:30:48,988
So, I spoke to him,
827
00:30:49,442 --> 00:30:53,205
and he really wants to take
you up to his hotel room.
828
00:30:53,207 --> 00:30:54,414
He does?
829
00:30:54,439 --> 00:30:55,266
Yeah.
830
00:30:56,377 --> 00:30:58,244
But I had to tell him no.
831
00:31:00,498 --> 00:31:01,346
What?
832
00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:02,803
It's too close to home.
833
00:31:02,828 --> 00:31:04,577
He's my biggest client,
and I couldn't risk it.
834
00:31:04,585 --> 00:31:05,751
Are-are you kidding?
835
00:31:05,753 --> 00:31:07,052
Why did you do that?
836
00:31:07,054 --> 00:31:08,087
Where is he?
837
00:31:08,089 --> 00:31:09,087
I sent him away.
838
00:31:09,112 --> 00:31:10,228
There were tears.
839
00:31:10,282 --> 00:31:11,948
Are you out of your mind?
840
00:31:12,093 --> 00:31:13,592
Oh, God.
841
00:31:13,594 --> 00:31:15,344
(Sighs)
842
00:31:15,346 --> 00:31:18,097
843
00:31:18,099 --> 00:31:19,432
(Power line crackles)
844
00:31:19,434 --> 00:31:21,600
(Footsteps)
845
00:31:22,987 --> 00:31:25,354
(Protesting whimper)
846
00:31:25,356 --> 00:31:27,406
Mom, what are you doing? Wait.
847
00:31:29,444 --> 00:31:31,577
Your flight's not for another five hours.
848
00:31:31,579 --> 00:31:34,163
Where did you get this crystal
rectal thermometer from again?
849
00:31:34,165 --> 00:31:35,364
Just give me the gift receipt,
850
00:31:35,366 --> 00:31:37,106
and I'll return it at home in New York.
851
00:31:37,368 --> 00:31:40,953
I got it from a local
boutique, and I don't think
852
00:31:40,955 --> 00:31:43,205
they take returns, just exchanges.
853
00:31:43,207 --> 00:31:45,090
Let's just go to that stupid store
854
00:31:45,092 --> 00:31:46,758
on the way to the airport, okay?
855
00:31:47,845 --> 00:31:49,499
Rise and shine!
856
00:31:50,381 --> 00:31:53,849
Man (Over P.A.): Attention, Christmas
shoppers: Don't miss the sale...
857
00:31:53,851 --> 00:31:55,367
- Hey, guys! (Laughs)
- Hi.
858
00:31:55,369 --> 00:31:58,462
Just wanted to say, best of luck out there.
859
00:31:58,487 --> 00:31:59,903
I thought you had work.
860
00:31:59,928 --> 00:32:01,228
Ah, gave myself a Christmas gift.
861
00:32:01,857 --> 00:32:03,776
Just had my mom call, say I had the flu.
862
00:32:03,778 --> 00:32:05,361
- (Laughter)
- Uh,
863
00:32:05,363 --> 00:32:09,365
I hope you guys know that
these are the good old days.
864
00:32:09,367 --> 00:32:11,567
Like, the best of times.
865
00:32:11,569 --> 00:32:13,152
So, enjoy them.
866
00:32:13,154 --> 00:32:14,570
Thanks, man.
867
00:32:18,226 --> 00:32:19,169
Ow!
868
00:32:19,648 --> 00:32:20,493
What's wrong?
869
00:32:20,495 --> 00:32:22,344
Oh. Oh, it's-it's my ankle!
870
00:32:22,346 --> 00:32:24,046
Oh, it-it's bad.
871
00:32:24,048 --> 00:32:25,498
- Wait. Are-are you sure?
- Yeah.
872
00:32:25,500 --> 00:32:26,832
I don't think I can go on.
873
00:32:26,834 --> 00:32:28,884
What are we gonna do? Who
knows the choreography?
874
00:32:28,886 --> 00:32:31,133
Uh, uh, well, Miguel has
done a pretty good job.
875
00:32:31,158 --> 00:32:32,815
Uh, change the formation?
876
00:32:33,526 --> 00:32:34,872
Mr. Chan, you know the answer.
877
00:32:35,009 --> 00:32:37,059
It's not Miguel?
878
00:32:37,061 --> 00:32:38,844
It's never too late, bro.
879
00:32:39,144 --> 00:32:40,813
It's never too late.
880
00:32:44,241 --> 00:32:45,807
The only decent thing was a floor lamp,
881
00:32:45,832 --> 00:32:48,165
so now I'm gonna have to check a bag.
882
00:32:48,448 --> 00:32:49,456
I'm very sorry, mom.
883
00:32:49,635 --> 00:32:51,864
Okay, I'll pay the baggage
fee. How about that?
884
00:32:53,490 --> 00:32:54,827
You baffle me, you know that?
885
00:32:55,145 --> 00:32:56,579
Your whole life, you have.
886
00:32:56,581 --> 00:32:57,947
(Sighs heavily)
887
00:32:57,949 --> 00:33:00,199
My dramatic little girl who never thought
888
00:33:00,201 --> 00:33:02,535
through the consequences of her decisions.
889
00:33:02,537 --> 00:33:04,203
I've been here for two days.
890
00:33:04,205 --> 00:33:07,540
I still don't know why you
live in this dump of a town.
891
00:33:07,542 --> 00:33:09,041
I told you, I got an offer that I...
892
00:33:09,043 --> 00:33:11,210
I know you don't believe me, Rebecca,
893
00:33:11,212 --> 00:33:13,313
but I want to understand you.
894
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,457
I always have.
895
00:33:15,826 --> 00:33:18,177
Fine. I will tell you
why I moved here. God.
896
00:33:20,054 --> 00:33:21,387
I'll put it out there.
897
00:33:22,262 --> 00:33:24,356
I moved here because...
898
00:33:24,358 --> 00:33:26,725
Josh (Over P.A.): Josh
Chan is in the house!
899
00:33:26,727 --> 00:33:28,811
(Applause and cheering)
900
00:33:34,210 --> 00:33:36,127
901
00:33:39,727 --> 00:33:40,860
Let's go!
902
00:33:40,862 --> 00:33:42,695
Everybody, come
on, come on, come on
903
00:33:43,100 --> 00:33:45,634
everybody in the
house, start it up now
904
00:33:45,669 --> 00:33:48,747
everybody, come
on, come on, come on
905
00:33:48,772 --> 00:33:52,307
everybody in the house,
start it up now...
906
00:33:52,309 --> 00:33:53,892
(Cheering)
everybody, come on
907
00:33:53,894 --> 00:33:55,844
come on, come on...
908
00:33:56,311 --> 00:33:57,944
Moved here for Josh Chan?
909
00:33:57,946 --> 00:33:59,648
(Laughs) Why am I surprised?
910
00:33:59,673 --> 00:34:01,173
You were always so impulsive.
911
00:34:01,218 --> 00:34:03,299
Of course you would do something
like give up your wonderful life
912
00:34:03,324 --> 00:34:05,770
in New York to be near that... that loser!
913
00:34:05,772 --> 00:34:08,556
I did not do that, okay?
914
00:34:08,558 --> 00:34:10,108
And he is not a loser.
915
00:34:10,110 --> 00:34:12,477
You know what? I'm
tired of this. I'm sorry.
916
00:34:12,479 --> 00:34:15,613
I am tired of trying to bend over backwards
917
00:34:15,615 --> 00:34:18,032
to please someone who can never be pleased.
918
00:34:18,034 --> 00:34:19,400
You got a lot of nerve, you know that?
919
00:34:19,402 --> 00:34:20,568
After all I've done for you.
920
00:34:20,570 --> 00:34:22,654
I came here to make peace with you.
921
00:34:22,656 --> 00:34:24,656
I was gonna give you the Garfinkel ring.
922
00:34:24,658 --> 00:34:26,157
You know what? Keep the Garfinkel ring.
923
00:34:26,159 --> 00:34:28,022
Keep it! I'm a grown woman.
924
00:34:28,047 --> 00:34:30,632
I don't care about the stupid
Garfinkel ring anymore.
925
00:34:30,657 --> 00:34:31,606
And you know what?
926
00:34:31,631 --> 00:34:33,512
You know how you're getting to the airport?
927
00:34:34,144 --> 00:34:35,777
- Uber!
- Very nice.
928
00:34:35,802 --> 00:34:37,919
Picking you up in three
minutes. There you go.
929
00:34:37,921 --> 00:34:39,971
You shake it, shake,
shake it for me.
930
00:34:39,973 --> 00:34:42,257
931
00:34:44,311 --> 00:34:46,060
(Song ends)
932
00:34:46,062 --> 00:34:48,012
(Applause and cheering)
933
00:34:48,014 --> 00:34:50,598
Yeah!
934
00:34:50,600 --> 00:34:51,900
(Whoops) Nice one, man.
935
00:34:51,902 --> 00:34:52,934
Killed it. Killed it.
936
00:34:52,936 --> 00:34:54,769
Dude, you totally killed it out there!
937
00:34:54,771 --> 00:34:57,071
- You still got it, man!
- Hey, I appreciate that. I do.
938
00:34:57,073 --> 00:34:59,607
But I think I pulled my spine
and may never walk again.
939
00:34:59,609 --> 00:35:00,942
(Laughing)
940
00:35:00,944 --> 00:35:02,794
The truth is, uh...
941
00:35:04,946 --> 00:35:06,331
I'm not a kid.
942
00:35:06,963 --> 00:35:08,449
I'm Mr. Chan.
943
00:35:08,451 --> 00:35:09,784
And...
944
00:35:09,786 --> 00:35:11,753
You know what?
945
00:35:11,755 --> 00:35:15,256
I'm realizing, it might
be time for me to grow up.
946
00:35:18,378 --> 00:35:20,078
And while we're airing things out,
947
00:35:20,080 --> 00:35:22,046
let me tell you a couple
other things, okay?
948
00:35:22,048 --> 00:35:24,966
My friend Paula... she's
not British or Jewish.
949
00:35:24,968 --> 00:35:27,685
I do work at that loser firm,
and I never wear panty hose,
950
00:35:27,687 --> 00:35:29,137
because they cause yeast infections.
951
00:35:29,139 --> 00:35:32,140
And because of you, I feel
one coming on right now.
952
00:35:32,142 --> 00:35:32,944
That's disgusting.
953
00:35:32,969 --> 00:35:34,085
You know what?
954
00:35:34,361 --> 00:35:36,060
I know you're disappointed in me.
955
00:35:36,062 --> 00:35:37,445
I know I'm not
956
00:35:37,447 --> 00:35:39,647
the married work monster
that you want me to be.
957
00:35:40,699 --> 00:35:41,816
But you know what?
958
00:35:41,818 --> 00:35:43,201
Neither are you.
959
00:35:43,203 --> 00:35:46,955
You are a horny, unemployed divorcee
960
00:35:46,957 --> 00:35:48,957
who married an Irish catholic!
961
00:35:48,959 --> 00:35:52,176
I am half him, and that is why you hate me!
962
00:35:52,178 --> 00:35:53,526
I am half of what you hate!
963
00:35:53,713 --> 00:35:55,046
"Hate you"?
964
00:35:55,048 --> 00:35:56,331
I don't hate you.
965
00:35:56,765 --> 00:35:57,999
What?
966
00:35:58,647 --> 00:36:00,168
Is that what you think,
Rebecca, that I hate you?
967
00:36:00,170 --> 00:36:01,669
I love you.
968
00:36:01,671 --> 00:36:03,086
I've always loved you.
969
00:36:03,111 --> 00:36:04,611
I love you too much.
970
00:36:04,636 --> 00:36:07,118
I wake up every morning sick with worry,
971
00:36:07,143 --> 00:36:08,726
wondering where you are, how you are.
972
00:36:08,728 --> 00:36:10,777
I am consumed by my love for you.
973
00:36:11,395 --> 00:36:13,765
And when you have a child,
you will understand this.
974
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:16,851
If I ever have a kid, I will
only care if they're happy.
975
00:36:16,853 --> 00:36:18,186
"Happy"? What's "happy"?
976
00:36:18,188 --> 00:36:19,771
That's a term for stupid people.
977
00:36:19,773 --> 00:36:21,105
I want you to survive.
978
00:36:21,107 --> 00:36:22,357
Our people are not about happy.
979
00:36:22,359 --> 00:36:23,995
We're about survival.
980
00:36:24,444 --> 00:36:26,828
And that is why I'm glad
that you stood up to me.
981
00:36:26,830 --> 00:36:28,867
Because that means, when the Cossacks come,
982
00:36:29,115 --> 00:36:30,865
you can fight back.
983
00:36:30,867 --> 00:36:32,367
You can survive.
984
00:36:33,029 --> 00:36:34,535
I love you.
985
00:36:34,748 --> 00:36:36,004
Of course I love you.
986
00:36:36,006 --> 00:36:36,971
I am your mother.
987
00:36:37,667 --> 00:36:39,841
(Crying): Mommy, of course I love you, too.
988
00:36:39,843 --> 00:36:42,710
Get over here, you get over here.
989
00:36:44,322 --> 00:36:45,605
It's okay, Becca.
990
00:36:45,749 --> 00:36:46,965
(Phone chimes)
991
00:36:50,053 --> 00:36:51,603
Your Uber's here. You should go.
992
00:36:51,605 --> 00:36:53,087
- You should go.
- Okay, okay, okay!
993
00:36:53,089 --> 00:36:54,606
I'll go, I'll go.
994
00:36:54,849 --> 00:36:56,758
But you're coming home for passover, right?
995
00:36:58,023 --> 00:36:59,323
- Becca?
- You know what?
996
00:36:59,348 --> 00:37:01,047
No, I'm not coming home for pa...
997
00:37:02,482 --> 00:37:05,033
Okay, I'll come home for Passover.
998
00:37:05,035 --> 00:37:06,452
Good girl.
999
00:37:09,034 --> 00:37:10,567
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
1000
00:37:10,592 --> 00:37:12,148
You got it.
1001
00:37:13,410 --> 00:37:15,067
- Bye.
- Bye.
1002
00:37:15,997 --> 00:37:18,519
So, I found a gift for my mom.
1003
00:37:18,848 --> 00:37:20,748
Is it that you finally
went through puberty?
1004
00:37:20,750 --> 00:37:22,901
(Laughs) No.
1005
00:37:23,341 --> 00:37:24,719
I got her a candle.
1006
00:37:24,721 --> 00:37:27,032
It smells like, um, pine.
1007
00:37:27,057 --> 00:37:29,424
That's good. That's a good first step.
1008
00:37:29,698 --> 00:37:32,510
You know, your lack of social
decorum saved the holiday.
1009
00:37:32,512 --> 00:37:33,739
It was a Christmas miracle.
1010
00:37:33,930 --> 00:37:35,480
I get that a lot.
1011
00:37:35,482 --> 00:37:37,065
I had the best time.
1012
00:37:37,067 --> 00:37:38,066
Really?
1013
00:37:38,068 --> 00:37:39,130
You kind of hated me.
1014
00:37:39,436 --> 00:37:40,935
Yeah, in a good way.
1015
00:37:40,937 --> 00:37:42,270
I thought it was cute.
1016
00:37:42,496 --> 00:37:43,521
In what way?
1017
00:37:43,523 --> 00:37:45,857
Cute like a hamster playing the piano
1018
00:37:45,859 --> 00:37:49,215
or cute like a man who's
handsome and not cute?
1019
00:37:49,362 --> 00:37:51,424
I don't know. We'll see.
1020
00:37:51,978 --> 00:37:53,031
Oh, bummer.
1021
00:37:53,033 --> 00:37:54,749
I have to go back to work now.
1022
00:37:54,774 --> 00:37:56,679
No, I want to keep hanging out.
1023
00:37:56,706 --> 00:37:57,838
All right, I'll quit.
1024
00:37:58,412 --> 00:37:59,337
What?
1025
00:37:59,339 --> 00:38:00,955
I quit!
1026
00:38:00,957 --> 00:38:04,165
Hey, can you give these to the toy kiosk?
1027
00:38:04,544 --> 00:38:05,948
- (Laughs)
- Thanks.
1028
00:38:06,296 --> 00:38:07,795
Awesome!
1029
00:38:08,936 --> 00:38:11,186
Dude, weak.
1030
00:38:19,165 --> 00:38:20,475
Hey, Becks!
1031
00:38:20,477 --> 00:38:21,688
Haven't seen you all week.
1032
00:38:21,713 --> 00:38:23,348
- Hi.
- How was your holiday?
1033
00:38:23,676 --> 00:38:26,026
(Laughs) It was interesting.
1034
00:38:27,010 --> 00:38:29,427
I finally now feel what it's like
1035
00:38:29,452 --> 00:38:30,952
to be a grown-up at Christmas.
1036
00:38:30,954 --> 00:38:32,787
Dude... me, too!
1037
00:38:32,789 --> 00:38:33,988
(Gasps) Emotional jinx!
1038
00:38:33,990 --> 00:38:35,156
You owe me a coke.
1039
00:38:35,158 --> 00:38:36,657
(Both laugh)
1040
00:38:36,659 --> 00:38:38,611
Want to go see Santa?
1041
00:38:38,962 --> 00:38:40,995
Yeah. (Chuckles)
1042
00:38:42,015 --> 00:38:45,416
Well, you can take
your snow and shove it
1043
00:38:45,418 --> 00:38:49,303
this is our Christmas
and we love it
1044
00:38:49,305 --> 00:38:51,089
it's 100 degrees
1045
00:38:51,091 --> 00:38:53,074
this elf is Vietnamese
1046
00:38:53,076 --> 00:38:56,060
that's the way that
California does it
1047
00:38:56,062 --> 00:39:00,565
even our Santa has a suntan
1048
00:39:00,567 --> 00:39:03,317
he's also an unemployed stunt man
1049
00:39:03,342 --> 00:39:05,880
is he even awake?
1050
00:39:05,905 --> 00:39:08,022
Yeah, I'm just really baked
1051
00:39:08,024 --> 00:39:11,993
if he can be Santa
Claus, anyone can
1052
00:39:13,747 --> 00:39:17,031
California Christmastime
1053
00:39:17,033 --> 00:39:20,668
is just a golden state of mind
1054
00:39:20,670 --> 00:39:25,523
Chet's nuts roasting
in the bright sunlight
1055
00:39:25,525 --> 00:39:28,042
Put on some pants, Chet!
1056
00:39:28,044 --> 00:39:30,445
And what would Christmas be
1057
00:39:30,447 --> 00:39:33,131
without historically
low Mountain snow
1058
00:39:33,133 --> 00:39:35,383
causing staggering drought
1059
00:39:35,385 --> 00:39:40,054
but, hey, this eggnog
froyo's super tight
1060
00:39:40,056 --> 00:39:42,140
super tight
1061
00:39:42,142 --> 00:39:46,227
'cause this is California
1062
00:39:46,229 --> 00:39:49,013
and we do Christmas right
1063
00:39:49,015 --> 00:39:50,515
California Christmastime
1064
00:39:50,517 --> 00:39:52,700
Mmm, so good.
1065
00:39:55,455 --> 00:39:58,206
Don we now our surf apparel
1066
00:39:58,208 --> 00:40:02,543
and we have our own
kind of Christmas Carol
1067
00:40:02,545 --> 00:40:04,162
it's this chick named Carol
1068
00:40:04,164 --> 00:40:06,130
she does henna tattoos
1069
00:40:06,132 --> 00:40:08,249
Carol's 50, but no judgment
1070
00:40:08,251 --> 00:40:09,750
she's still finding herself
1071
00:40:09,752 --> 00:40:11,752
we're all finding ourselves
1072
00:40:11,754 --> 00:40:15,139
okay, there is no easy answer
1073
00:40:15,141 --> 00:40:19,093
for our high rates of skin cancer
1074
00:40:19,095 --> 00:40:21,062
it took my dad's life
1075
00:40:21,064 --> 00:40:23,598
and it killed my wife
1076
00:40:23,600 --> 00:40:26,801
hang ten, Rudolph and prancer
1077
00:40:26,803 --> 00:40:30,271
California Christmastime
1078
00:40:30,296 --> 00:40:33,952
we gather round and
sing songs by sublime
1079
00:40:33,977 --> 00:40:38,984
and all our local
reggae bands are white
1080
00:40:39,009 --> 00:40:41,643
(Reggae beat plays)
1081
00:40:41,668 --> 00:40:44,919
The kids get lots of
toys on Christmas morn
1082
00:40:44,921 --> 00:40:48,673
'cause daddy makes big
bucks directing porn
1083
00:40:48,675 --> 00:40:50,174
they may have gonorrhea
1084
00:40:50,176 --> 00:40:53,110
but at least it's not frostbite
1085
00:40:53,112 --> 00:40:55,963
it's not frostbite
1086
00:40:55,965 --> 00:40:59,684
'cause this is California
1087
00:40:59,686 --> 00:41:02,520
and we do Christmas right
1088
00:41:02,522 --> 00:41:05,306
California Christmastime
1089
00:41:05,308 --> 00:41:09,477
California Christmastime
1090
00:41:09,479 --> 00:41:13,698
California Christmastime
1091
00:41:13,700 --> 00:41:16,617
California Christmastime
1092
00:41:16,619 --> 00:41:20,538
California Christmastime
1093
00:41:20,540 --> 00:41:24,876
California Christmastime
1094
00:41:24,878 --> 00:41:28,173
California Christmastime
1095
00:41:28,198 --> 00:41:30,631
Calif...
1096
00:41:31,350 --> 00:41:33,759
You-you have places to be. I get it.
1097
00:41:33,784 --> 00:41:38,047
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
1098
00:41:38,097 --> 00:41:42,647
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