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Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...
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- This is Valencia. My girlfriend.
- Hi.
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00:00:06,055 --> 00:00:08,889
And exhale on an "ah..."
Hey, do you want to go grab,
4
00:00:08,891 --> 00:00:11,108
- like, a coffee with me?
- Why would you want to do that?
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PAULA: Look, I get what
you're doing with this girl.
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You befriend the enemy and you
get more face time with Josh.
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I'm so glad you moved here, Becks.
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I don't know what you're trying to do,
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00:00:18,734 --> 00:00:20,984
or why you pretended to be my friend,
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but stay away from me
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00:00:23,664 --> 00:00:25,161
and my Josh.
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I am attracted to you.
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Very,
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very attracted to you.
15
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So he said "attracted,"
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but then he paused,
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and he said "very attracted."
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You mentioned that. Okay, I mentioned it
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because it's the "very," alright?
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That's the wild card.
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"Very" is a very important
word in this, right?
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Think about it. You guys have
a drink called Very Berry Blast.
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I mean... I'm assuming
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00:00:50,665 --> 00:00:52,328
that the "very" means something. Right?
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Uh, we don't name 'em. They
just come from corporate.
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Okay, but that's-that's just beside...
27
00:00:55,670 --> 00:00:56,929
beside the point.
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Maybe Josh was just trying to be nice,
29
00:00:59,289 --> 00:01:00,422
like kind of...
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BOTH: blowing you off?
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What?
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No, no.
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Come on... no.
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You do talk about him a lot.
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What is the history with you two?
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I was working hard
at a New York job
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Making dough but it made me blue
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One day I was crying a lot
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And so I decided to move
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To West Covina, California
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Brand-new pals and new career
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It happens to be where Josh lives
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But that's not why I'm here
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She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
What? No, I'm not.
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She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
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That's a sexist term.
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She's the crazy ex-girlfriend
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Can you guys stop
singing for just a second?
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She's so broken inside
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The situation's a lot
more nuanced than that.
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C-R-A-Z-Y
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Okay! We get it!
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-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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Look, maybe the reason
I haven't heard from Josh
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is what he said.
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It's that he's very attracted to me.
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You know, it's like...
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like, even if our arms brush,
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he gets a little tingle down there.
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- Hi, Becks! (growling)
- Ohhhh
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(laughing): Hey, hey, man.
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Wow, I haven't
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seen you, uh, in what, four days?
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Yeah, I'm very sorry.
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Very?
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00:02:04,766 --> 00:02:06,716
I've been very M.I.A.
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With the holidays, I'm very slammed.
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There is very much traffic today.
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(laughs) That's funny.
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So "very" is just your go-to adverb.
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That's...
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Uh... uh, nothing.
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So you were saying?
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Yeah, we host Thanksgiving at our house
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and we got cousins and
aunts and uncles pouring in
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from Temecula, Glendale, San Mateo...
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- Oh, wow.
- Oh, Rancho Cucamonga,
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Stockton, Pismo Beach,
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Solvang, Victorville...
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How about you?
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Well, I'm just gonna... I forgot the M's.
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Uh, Modesto, Monrovia,
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Mendocino, and that's it.
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What are you doing for Thanksgiving?
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Oh, bleh...
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I just go to the East Coast,
to Scarsdale with my mom
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and we watch the World Dog Awards.
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Oh! And?
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We just roll some
Craisins in turkey slices,
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make little logs,
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- and body-shame some puppies.
- Cool!
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Most important thing, I guess,
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is that you'll be with family.
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You know, where you belong.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, where I...
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00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:02,829
where I belong.
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00:03:03,566 --> 00:03:06,045
And I put the boba on
the side for Aunt Dhori.
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00:03:06,047 --> 00:03:07,892
We know she likes to
pop 'em with her hand.
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00:03:07,917 --> 00:03:10,099
Thanks, guys. Have the best
Thanksgiving, Becks.
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Give your mother my very best.
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See you guys!
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- Have a good one.
- Peace!
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Very peace!
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(baby coos)
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MAN: Okay, everybody ready?
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- Say "cheese."
- ALL: Cheese.
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That's good.
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(indistinct chatter)
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REBECCA: Everyone
belongs somewhere but me.
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That's silly, honey.
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You've got family back home in New York.
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I mean, not really.
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My dad bailed, my mom's a misery,
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I ate my twin in the womb.
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I really don't want to
go home for the holiday.
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It's the last place I want to be.
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Like I said, you are more than welcome
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to my apocalypse of a Thanksgiving.
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Yeah... I mean, pull up a chair
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and enjoy Scott's racist uncle.
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00:03:47,572 --> 00:03:49,305
You ate your twin?
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00:03:49,307 --> 00:03:51,157
I mean, medically
speaking, I didn't "eat" it,
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I just metabolized its
body parts for my own use.
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00:03:56,313 --> 00:03:57,580
Why don't you ask Josh if you can go
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to his house for Thanksgiving?
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He said he's "very attracted" to you,
128
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and we know what that means.
129
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,542
Oh, God, don't even get me started.
130
00:04:03,567 --> 00:04:05,204
I don't even know what that means anymore.
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I do.
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00:04:06,239 --> 00:04:08,184
A guy says something like that,
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it means his current relationship
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00:04:09,544 --> 00:04:11,010
is about ready to bite the dust.
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00:04:11,012 --> 00:04:12,638
He's putting out feelers.
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If you could go to his
house for the holiday...
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00:04:15,886 --> 00:04:16,682
(sighs)
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00:04:16,684 --> 00:04:18,816
I mean, would I like to go to the Chan's?
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00:04:19,707 --> 00:04:21,854
Would I like to be surrounded
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00:04:21,856 --> 00:04:24,792
by the unconditional love
of a hundred Filipinos?
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00:04:25,944 --> 00:04:27,560
Of course I would.
142
00:04:27,562 --> 00:04:28,844
Tell us the story!
143
00:04:28,846 --> 00:04:30,730
The library book story! Again?
144
00:04:30,777 --> 00:04:32,865
Well, no, I couldn't possibly.
145
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(chanting): Library book story!
146
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Library book story!
147
00:04:36,871 --> 00:04:40,623
Library book story! Library book story!
148
00:04:40,625 --> 00:04:43,125
Please, Miss Rebecca, just one more time.
149
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The library book story.
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00:04:45,079 --> 00:04:47,713
But you know it by heart by now.
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00:04:47,715 --> 00:04:50,207
Well, all right.
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00:04:50,878 --> 00:04:52,449
But if Josh was going to invite me,
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00:04:52,474 --> 00:04:53,970
he would've asked and he didn't,
154
00:04:53,972 --> 00:04:55,371
so just drop it.
155
00:04:55,373 --> 00:04:57,373
Why do you always give up so easily?
156
00:04:57,832 --> 00:05:00,226
Do you think Angelina
went into Mr. & Mrs. Smith
157
00:05:00,228 --> 00:05:01,691
with that kind of attitude?
158
00:05:01,913 --> 00:05:03,296
If she had, no Shiloh,
159
00:05:03,321 --> 00:05:04,857
no Maddox, no Vivienne...
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00:05:05,246 --> 00:05:07,408
Who do you think belongs next to him
161
00:05:07,433 --> 00:05:09,697
and that turkey on Thursday?
162
00:05:09,722 --> 00:05:11,488
You or Venezuela?
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00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:14,417
You know what? Thanksgiving
is a beautiful family holiday.
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Not gonna let you ruin
it with your scheming.
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00:05:16,194 --> 00:05:18,244
Okay, okay... Let's put it this way.
166
00:05:18,246 --> 00:05:20,229
Say a giant boulder ran
over Josh's girlfriend
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00:05:20,231 --> 00:05:22,114
and she was out of the picture.
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How would you feel?
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I mean, I'd feel terrible!
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00:05:25,086 --> 00:05:26,836
Okay? A boulder would decimate her
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and her guts would be everywhere.
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Okay, wow.
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00:05:31,066 --> 00:05:32,458
Rebecca,
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you are getting close to Josh.
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I can feel it.
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00:05:35,413 --> 00:05:37,150
And if you could just get
into that turkey dinner,
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you would be set.
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It's the holidays, Paula.
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00:05:42,310 --> 00:05:44,377
People don't always get what they want.
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00:05:49,592 --> 00:05:51,310
(bird squawks)
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(whooping)
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00:05:53,731 --> 00:05:56,565
183
00:05:58,068 --> 00:05:59,769
Mr. Kincaid, you shouldn't have.
184
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:00,959
Oh, you didn't.
185
00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:02,450
You never do.
186
00:06:03,074 --> 00:06:04,991
Lynne, I think that's enough.
187
00:06:04,993 --> 00:06:06,602
I can't have you passing
out in the bleachers again.
188
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:09,829
You don't tell me what to do.
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00:06:09,831 --> 00:06:11,747
Okay. Great.
190
00:06:11,749 --> 00:06:14,000
Good luck with that.
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00:06:14,002 --> 00:06:16,585
(indistinct chatter)
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00:06:23,003 --> 00:06:24,947
REBECCA: Greg! Greg!
193
00:06:24,972 --> 00:06:26,345
Did you know that for Thanksgiving
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00:06:26,347 --> 00:06:27,930
Chris' family makes tamales?
195
00:06:28,230 --> 00:06:29,231
I love it!
196
00:06:29,233 --> 00:06:30,933
It's an update on the corn theme.
197
00:06:30,935 --> 00:06:32,651
You're just full of fascinating facts.
198
00:06:32,941 --> 00:06:35,809
Okay, Mr. Grumpy, I thought
we were friends again.
199
00:06:36,777 --> 00:06:38,077
Give me that smile.
200
00:06:38,238 --> 00:06:39,859
There it is. Yeah.
201
00:06:39,861 --> 00:06:41,827
So what are you doing for
Thanksgiving? Anything special?
202
00:06:41,829 --> 00:06:42,933
Yep.
203
00:06:42,958 --> 00:06:46,033
This year everything is gonna be different.
204
00:06:46,058 --> 00:06:48,868
Savor that, because that's the last
drink I'm ever gonna make you.
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00:06:49,082 --> 00:06:50,152
Yep, that's right.
206
00:06:50,154 --> 00:06:52,922
I am quitting this crappy job.
207
00:06:53,175 --> 00:06:54,707
As soon as this shift ends.
208
00:06:54,709 --> 00:06:57,176
I can't wait to walk in and
tell my boss to shove it.
209
00:06:57,410 --> 00:06:59,178
It's gonna be all Jerry Maguire
210
00:06:59,180 --> 00:07:00,930
mixed in with a little Norma Rae.
211
00:07:00,932 --> 00:07:03,049
Oh, yeah. Someone stole a Netflix password.
212
00:07:03,051 --> 00:07:04,850
Yeah, I finally saved up enough money
213
00:07:04,852 --> 00:07:07,186
to move out and to go to business school.
214
00:07:07,188 --> 00:07:09,605
I just have to find a
nurse for my dad first.
215
00:07:09,607 --> 00:07:11,173
Wow. Wait, business school?
216
00:07:11,175 --> 00:07:12,942
This is great. This is what you wanted.
217
00:07:12,944 --> 00:07:15,061
Yep. My dad's not gonna
be happy I'm moving out,
218
00:07:15,086 --> 00:07:17,644
but I figure I tell him
over Thanksgiving dinner,
219
00:07:17,691 --> 00:07:19,014
then we'll patch things up
220
00:07:19,016 --> 00:07:20,682
over buffalo mozzarella and prosciutto,
221
00:07:20,684 --> 00:07:22,368
just like they did in
the first Thanksgiving.
222
00:07:22,946 --> 00:07:24,511
Wait. Really?
223
00:07:26,269 --> 00:07:27,689
I go to public school.
224
00:07:28,089 --> 00:07:29,191
Obviously.
225
00:07:29,193 --> 00:07:30,543
This is great.
226
00:07:30,545 --> 00:07:32,777
This is... everything you wanted.
227
00:07:33,167 --> 00:07:34,246
You're moving on.
228
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,665
It's awesome, you deserve it.
229
00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:38,200
I'm gonna miss you.
230
00:07:38,621 --> 00:07:41,003
Can I buy you a drink before you move?
231
00:07:41,714 --> 00:07:42,704
What's the catch?
232
00:07:42,706 --> 00:07:44,390
No catch. It's a free drink. You in or out?
233
00:07:45,151 --> 00:07:46,714
In. Hey, V.
234
00:07:47,074 --> 00:07:48,877
Hey, Greg. What brings you by?
235
00:07:48,879 --> 00:07:50,546
Oh, just picking Elena up from softball.
236
00:07:50,548 --> 00:07:51,680
Hey, Valencia.
237
00:07:52,784 --> 00:07:54,067
Hey, V-ster.
V-dog?
238
00:07:54,092 --> 00:07:55,683
VW? VW Bus?
239
00:07:56,714 --> 00:07:58,737
What-what are your plans
for Thanksgiving, Valencia?
240
00:07:59,044 --> 00:08:00,127
Bye, Greg.
241
00:08:00,619 --> 00:08:01,648
Bye, Valencia!
242
00:08:01,886 --> 00:08:04,110
I like your sleeveless
crocheted trench coat!
243
00:08:04,112 --> 00:08:04,996
Wow.
244
00:08:05,021 --> 00:08:06,556
You guys have such a great rapport.
245
00:08:06,581 --> 00:08:07,808
Yeah, she doesn't like me so much.
246
00:08:07,833 --> 00:08:09,208
No, she doesn't like you a lot.
247
00:08:09,233 --> 00:08:10,699
But to be fair,
248
00:08:10,701 --> 00:08:11,834
she's probably in a bad mood
249
00:08:11,836 --> 00:08:13,027
because it's Thanksgiving.
250
00:08:13,052 --> 00:08:14,814
She goes to Josh's house,
and it's tough for her.
251
00:08:14,839 --> 00:08:16,755
What, to bask in the warm embrace
252
00:08:16,757 --> 00:08:19,008
of a loving Filipino
family? Why is that tough?
253
00:08:19,339 --> 00:08:20,503
You don't know?
254
00:08:20,528 --> 00:08:22,111
The Chan's don't like Valencia.
255
00:08:22,535 --> 00:08:23,866
Because Asians don't like dumb people.
256
00:08:23,891 --> 00:08:25,167
Chris!
257
00:08:25,832 --> 00:08:27,383
So mildly racist.
258
00:08:27,385 --> 00:08:28,851
It's a problem.
259
00:08:28,853 --> 00:08:31,103
Every time Valencia has
to hang with the Chan's,
260
00:08:31,105 --> 00:08:32,675
she and Josh almost break up.
261
00:08:33,392 --> 00:08:34,768
I had no idea.
262
00:08:35,746 --> 00:08:37,026
Poor Josh.
263
00:08:37,207 --> 00:08:39,145
Poor Valencia, too.
264
00:08:39,147 --> 00:08:41,597
265
00:08:46,809 --> 00:08:48,310
REBECCA: I can't get over it.
266
00:08:48,449 --> 00:08:50,289
Poor Josh. Poor Valencia.
267
00:08:51,035 --> 00:08:53,242
It must be awful to go
to your boyfriend's house
268
00:08:53,244 --> 00:08:55,211
and just not feel like you belong.
269
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,129
Yeah, it's really unfortunate.
270
00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:00,115
I've never been to this place.
271
00:09:00,410 --> 00:09:02,082
There's a lot of bok choy
272
00:09:03,087 --> 00:09:05,339
and live fish with whiskers.
273
00:09:06,630 --> 00:09:08,663
And all the Asians.
274
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:11,227
What are you up to?
275
00:09:11,574 --> 00:09:12,628
Don't you understand
276
00:09:12,630 --> 00:09:14,563
that the tension between
Valencia and the Chan�s,
277
00:09:14,565 --> 00:09:16,732
that's your in, that's your boulder.
278
00:09:16,734 --> 00:09:18,317
You are gonna crush her little bird bones.
279
00:09:18,319 --> 00:09:19,902
What's going on? What am I doing here?
280
00:09:19,904 --> 00:09:21,820
You are a parent's dream.
281
00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:23,939
And as soon as Josh's
parents get a look at you,
282
00:09:23,941 --> 00:09:25,140
they're going to fall in love.
283
00:09:25,142 --> 00:09:26,659
And he will follow.
284
00:09:27,292 --> 00:09:29,528
Okay... but how are they
going to get a look at me?
285
00:09:29,530 --> 00:09:32,199
I don't exactly see them around anywhere...
286
00:09:34,921 --> 00:09:36,542
Mrs. Chan.
287
00:09:37,655 --> 00:09:39,371
Oh, I get it.
288
00:09:39,707 --> 00:09:41,050
- I see what you did there
- Yep.
289
00:09:41,075 --> 00:09:42,625
Should've seen that coming.
290
00:09:42,927 --> 00:09:45,177
291
00:09:51,432 --> 00:09:53,350
MAN: The boss is back. Look busy.
292
00:09:54,471 --> 00:09:55,938
Hey, Kevin.
293
00:09:56,940 --> 00:09:59,225
- Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Sure, what's up?
294
00:09:59,644 --> 00:10:00,871
I'll tell you what's up.
295
00:10:01,696 --> 00:10:04,396
What's up is that every
day I work in this bar,
296
00:10:04,707 --> 00:10:07,816
I feel like I am eating a
sandwich of bile and tears.
297
00:10:07,818 --> 00:10:09,368
- Ugh.
- Shh. Please.
298
00:10:09,370 --> 00:10:10,736
I have a thing prepared.
299
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:12,235
I'm here to tell you
300
00:10:12,402 --> 00:10:14,323
that I've reached the Rubicon,
301
00:10:14,886 --> 00:10:16,392
my own personal tipping point...
302
00:10:16,417 --> 00:10:17,553
Nice line.
303
00:10:17,578 --> 00:10:18,827
You write that?
304
00:10:18,829 --> 00:10:20,045
Wait, are you quitting?
305
00:10:20,410 --> 00:10:21,650
Good for you!
306
00:10:21,675 --> 00:10:22,915
Kevin, please. I gotta get this out.
307
00:10:22,917 --> 00:10:24,480
I quit this bar!
308
00:10:25,002 --> 00:10:25,902
Yeah, I just said that.
309
00:10:25,927 --> 00:10:28,504
I quit making blended
drinks for bad tippers.
310
00:10:28,506 --> 00:10:31,173
I quit using a cash register
that spells mojito with an "H."
311
00:10:31,175 --> 00:10:33,452
I quit your terrible breath.
312
00:10:34,308 --> 00:10:35,758
Appreciate the feedback.
313
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:38,040
I had a dental procedure.
I really should irrigate
314
00:10:38,065 --> 00:10:40,599
more frequently. Kevin,
you're ruining this for me.
315
00:10:40,601 --> 00:10:42,768
Wait, are you going
back to business school?!
316
00:10:42,770 --> 00:10:44,353
This is fantastic!
317
00:10:44,949 --> 00:10:46,822
I always wondered when you were gonna!
318
00:10:46,824 --> 00:10:49,121
You're too good for this place.
319
00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:51,360
(chuckles) Now, bring it here.
320
00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:52,690
What...?
321
00:10:56,225 --> 00:10:58,488
Now, you, get out of here!
322
00:11:05,285 --> 00:11:06,425
How did you know she was here?
323
00:11:06,427 --> 00:11:07,793
It's best if I don't share that with you.
324
00:11:08,762 --> 00:11:09,944
Come on, let's go talk to her.
325
00:11:09,946 --> 00:11:11,980
No, I don't want to talk to her.
This is embarrassing.
326
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,598
Paula, come on. I don't want to
make an ass of myself... oh, oh!
327
00:11:14,668 --> 00:11:16,168
I'm so sorry, Mrs. Chan.
328
00:11:16,170 --> 00:11:17,235
Oh, hello.
329
00:11:17,237 --> 00:11:19,171
Hi, Mrs. Chan.
330
00:11:19,173 --> 00:11:20,405
I don't know if you remember me.
331
00:11:20,407 --> 00:11:21,757
I'm Rebecca Bunch.
332
00:11:21,759 --> 00:11:23,675
I went to camp with your son Josh
333
00:11:23,677 --> 00:11:26,339
like ten-ish years ago.
334
00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:28,413
Oh, of course!
335
00:11:28,415 --> 00:11:31,266
You two had that adorable little romance!
336
00:11:31,268 --> 00:11:33,084
Right, I called the house a couple times.
337
00:11:33,086 --> 00:11:35,520
Left a couple funny messages.
338
00:11:35,522 --> 00:11:36,555
How have you been?
339
00:11:36,557 --> 00:11:37,556
I've been so grea... great.
340
00:11:37,558 --> 00:11:38,857
How has she been?!
341
00:11:38,859 --> 00:11:41,143
Harvard undergrad, Yale law, 1550 SATs,
342
00:11:41,145 --> 00:11:44,029
winner NCAJ Mock Trial Championships.
343
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,481
Oh, that is all very,
344
00:11:46,483 --> 00:11:48,150
uh, impressive.
345
00:11:48,152 --> 00:11:49,201
Isn't it?
346
00:11:49,203 --> 00:11:51,536
Hi. Paula, coworker, confidant.
347
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,288
(laughs)
348
00:11:53,290 --> 00:11:55,650
Rebecca, welcome to town.
349
00:11:55,675 --> 00:11:57,228
You should join us for dinner sometime.
350
00:11:57,253 --> 00:11:58,970
That's so sweet of you. I would love that.
351
00:11:58,995 --> 00:12:00,695
What about tomorrow?
352
00:12:01,759 --> 00:12:03,498
Paula, no, that's Thanksgiving.
353
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:05,884
And you have nowhere to go.
354
00:12:05,886 --> 00:12:07,636
You poor thing.
355
00:12:07,638 --> 00:12:09,721
She saw her parents
murdered in front of her...
356
00:12:09,954 --> 00:12:13,093
in an alley... in Gotham.
357
00:12:13,118 --> 00:12:13,975
Oh, dear.
358
00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:16,628
Just like Batman.
359
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:17,578
Yes.
360
00:12:17,603 --> 00:12:18,635
So Paula's...
I'm sorry.
361
00:12:18,660 --> 00:12:20,026
Paula's joking.
362
00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:22,017
My parents aren't dead.
363
00:12:22,019 --> 00:12:23,685
They're just abandoning and frigid, so...
364
00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:24,931
I see.
365
00:12:25,249 --> 00:12:26,965
That's also very terrible.
366
00:12:26,990 --> 00:12:28,473
- Exactly.
- Uh, guess so.
367
00:12:28,475 --> 00:12:30,492
I mean, I would ask
her to come to my house,
368
00:12:30,494 --> 00:12:32,376
but we're going to Paris.
369
00:12:32,829 --> 00:12:34,246
'Cause that's where we autumn.
370
00:12:34,248 --> 00:12:36,782
It's like wintering but cheaper.
371
00:12:37,032 --> 00:12:38,333
Aw, Rebecca!
372
00:12:38,335 --> 00:12:40,652
You shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving.
373
00:12:40,962 --> 00:12:43,755
Why don't you come over and
spend the holiday with us?
374
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:46,392
Josh will be so thrilled.
375
00:12:46,510 --> 00:12:48,927
Oh... um...
376
00:12:48,929 --> 00:12:51,096
I would love that.
377
00:12:51,098 --> 00:12:52,134
Yeah.
378
00:12:52,159 --> 00:12:54,874
That's so generous of you.
379
00:12:54,914 --> 00:12:56,336
I would be honored.
380
00:12:56,540 --> 00:12:57,519
What can I bring?
381
00:12:57,521 --> 00:13:00,338
Oh, just bring your appetite, my dear.
382
00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:01,506
See you tomorrow.
383
00:13:01,508 --> 00:13:03,442
Okay, thank you so much again. Bye.
384
00:13:03,444 --> 00:13:05,527
Bye!
385
00:13:05,529 --> 00:13:07,312
Whoa! Whoa!
386
00:13:07,314 --> 00:13:09,281
I'm actually going to...
Wait... a real Thanksgiving
387
00:13:09,283 --> 00:13:11,233
- with a real family?!
- I know.
388
00:13:11,235 --> 00:13:12,868
Wait, oh, no, wait.
389
00:13:12,870 --> 00:13:14,202
What's Josh gonna think
390
00:13:14,204 --> 00:13:15,954
when I just show up to his house randomly?
391
00:13:15,956 --> 00:13:17,489
Yeah, we're gonna find out in a second.
392
00:13:17,491 --> 00:13:19,126
She's texting him right now.
393
00:13:22,128 --> 00:13:24,290
(phone chimes)
394
00:13:27,509 --> 00:13:31,368
_
395
00:13:31,751 --> 00:13:33,054
You're an evil genius.
396
00:13:33,079 --> 00:13:34,257
Uh-huh, yeah.
397
00:13:34,282 --> 00:13:35,132
You're welcome.
398
00:13:35,157 --> 00:13:36,520
Welcome to the fam-bam.
399
00:13:51,001 --> 00:13:52,149
(door closes)
400
00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:58,340
Dad, what is this...
A heart-attack buffet?
401
00:13:58,342 --> 00:14:00,209
Get off my ass, Greg. It's a holiday.
402
00:14:00,211 --> 00:14:02,261
I'm enjoying the things
that make life worthwhile.
403
00:14:02,263 --> 00:14:04,596
Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's
for Sinatra and Torm?.
404
00:14:04,598 --> 00:14:07,156
By all means, serve the
high-end food to your macaws.
405
00:14:07,181 --> 00:14:08,934
It's not enough that you
let them crap in the shower.
406
00:14:08,936 --> 00:14:10,126
I'm training them.
407
00:14:10,151 --> 00:14:11,553
Dad, all I'm saying is, if you're gonna go
408
00:14:11,555 --> 00:14:12,671
through the trouble to train them,
409
00:14:12,673 --> 00:14:14,223
train them to use the toilet.
410
00:14:14,225 --> 00:14:15,867
Oh, that's a good
idea... they're birds.
411
00:14:15,892 --> 00:14:17,734
Maybe I should train
them to wipe their ass.
412
00:14:17,759 --> 00:14:18,708
(laughs)
413
00:14:18,710 --> 00:14:20,001
(coughing)
414
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:21,192
Do you need the oxygen tank?
415
00:14:21,217 --> 00:14:22,688
No, no, no, no. Stop it.
416
00:14:23,688 --> 00:14:25,251
Why you bothering me?
417
00:14:25,487 --> 00:14:27,126
Isn't there some girl you
could be trying to bang?
418
00:14:27,151 --> 00:14:30,203
Oh, what about that, that
crazy girl you met at the party?
419
00:14:30,722 --> 00:14:32,024
The one from the taco festival?
420
00:14:32,049 --> 00:14:33,559
Why do I tell you anything?
421
00:14:33,584 --> 00:14:34,800
Oh, right, I was drunk.
422
00:14:35,266 --> 00:14:36,462
That girl's not for me, Dad.
423
00:14:36,487 --> 00:14:38,017
- Trust me, Dad, listen.
- Sure.
424
00:14:38,042 --> 00:14:39,079
Listen to me.
425
00:14:39,104 --> 00:14:40,970
There's something I want
to talk to you about.
426
00:14:41,636 --> 00:14:44,304
Some, um, changes I want to make.
427
00:14:44,329 --> 00:14:45,353
Me, too.
428
00:14:46,054 --> 00:14:47,987
I'm thinking about a third macaw.
429
00:14:48,122 --> 00:14:50,360
I'm thinking Bennett for Tony Bennett.
430
00:14:50,519 --> 00:14:52,685
(laughs)
431
00:14:54,097 --> 00:14:55,597
Oh, so serious.
432
00:14:55,747 --> 00:14:56,696
What is it?
433
00:14:57,198 --> 00:15:01,085
Tell me. (coughing)
434
00:15:01,110 --> 00:15:02,635
I'll get the tank.
435
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:04,853
Yep, yep... ah.
436
00:15:07,025 --> 00:15:08,559
MAN: So you want to speak Tagalog,
437
00:15:08,584 --> 00:15:10,095
the mother tongue of the Philippines.
438
00:15:10,757 --> 00:15:11,990
Let's start with "Hello."
439
00:15:12,156 --> 00:15:13,956
Mabuhay... say it with me.
440
00:15:14,192 --> 00:15:15,610
BOTH: Mabuhay.
441
00:15:15,635 --> 00:15:16,901
"Nice to meet you."
442
00:15:16,959 --> 00:15:20,767
BOTH: Natutwa akong makilala kayo.
443
00:15:21,635 --> 00:15:25,136
Okay, I know I'm forgetting something.
444
00:15:25,696 --> 00:15:26,862
(gasps)
445
00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:28,712
Whoa! Ooh!
446
00:15:29,149 --> 00:15:33,517
_
447
00:15:34,197 --> 00:15:38,282
_
448
00:15:38,307 --> 00:15:39,915
No, okay.
449
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,517
_
450
00:15:45,087 --> 00:15:49,938
_
451
00:15:54,638 --> 00:15:55,923
(knocking)
452
00:15:55,948 --> 00:15:57,480
PAULA: Heya!
453
00:15:58,149 --> 00:16:00,220
Whew, something smells weird in here.
454
00:16:00,245 --> 00:16:02,735
Oh, uh, well, it's a Filipino dish
455
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:05,708
called dinuguan... it consists
of pork cooked in pork's blood.
456
00:16:05,733 --> 00:16:06,540
Do you want to try some?
457
00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:08,865
Uh, thanks, but I think
458
00:16:08,890 --> 00:16:11,438
I'm all full up from the wonderful smell.
459
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,679
You know what? That's just
460
00:16:12,704 --> 00:16:14,610
your culturally insensitive
taste buds talking.
461
00:16:14,635 --> 00:16:16,298
Okay, I can only stay for a second.
462
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,106
I'm making pies for people that I hate.
463
00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:22,040
Which is mixed emotions
for me, because I like pie.
464
00:16:22,550 --> 00:16:23,549
Okay.
465
00:16:23,551 --> 00:16:25,556
As discussed, here it is.
466
00:16:25,581 --> 00:16:30,118
This brooch contains a small
video camera and microphone.
467
00:16:30,143 --> 00:16:32,093
It's exactly like the teddy bear nanny cam
468
00:16:32,118 --> 00:16:33,931
that we used in the Gatwick
divorce, but with audio.
469
00:16:33,956 --> 00:16:36,573
No... So it will transmit everything
470
00:16:36,598 --> 00:16:38,923
you see and hear directly
to an app on my phone,
471
00:16:38,948 --> 00:16:41,274
so I will not miss any of your triumph.
472
00:16:41,299 --> 00:16:42,204
(laughs)
473
00:16:42,852 --> 00:16:45,157
This isn't weird, right? Is it weird?
474
00:16:45,774 --> 00:16:46,767
No.
475
00:16:46,792 --> 00:16:48,149
Okay, cool.
476
00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:50,485
I got to go, but I cannot wait
477
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,678
to watch you push Valderrama
out of the picture.
478
00:16:56,393 --> 00:17:00,396
479
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:07,176
REBECCA:
I give good parent
480
00:17:07,178 --> 00:17:09,045
She gives good parent
481
00:17:09,047 --> 00:17:10,630
REBECCA:
I give good parent
482
00:17:10,632 --> 00:17:12,715
MRS. CHAN:
She gives
real good parent
483
00:17:12,717 --> 00:17:14,467
REBECCA:
I give good parent
484
00:17:14,469 --> 00:17:16,502
MRS. CHAN:
She gives good parent
485
00:17:16,504 --> 00:17:18,220
To parents like me
486
00:17:18,222 --> 00:17:21,006
I was born gifted, been blessed
487
00:17:21,008 --> 00:17:23,192
Din-din guest
for the win... yes
488
00:17:23,194 --> 00:17:24,894
When I pull up, gym test
489
00:17:24,896 --> 00:17:26,612
Prepare for your
parents to be impressed
490
00:17:26,614 --> 00:17:28,864
I present proper like a TED talker
491
00:17:28,866 --> 00:17:30,983
Got your current chick
lookin' like Greg Focker
492
00:17:30,985 --> 00:17:32,735
I'm here to conquer,
I've come to slaughter
493
00:17:32,737 --> 00:17:34,487
These dads and moms is
my sons and daughters
494
00:17:34,489 --> 00:17:36,355
Skilled seductress, I
will kill and crush this
495
00:17:36,357 --> 00:17:38,574
This is my business and
I'm built for success
496
00:17:38,576 --> 00:17:40,526
Expect to witness
a familial love fest
497
00:17:40,528 --> 00:17:42,044
Valencia, you're
zip, zilch and bupkis
498
00:17:42,046 --> 00:17:44,830
I give good parent
499
00:17:44,832 --> 00:17:46,832
She gives good parent
500
00:17:46,834 --> 00:17:48,801
I give good parent
501
00:17:48,803 --> 00:17:50,803
She gives real good parent
502
00:17:50,805 --> 00:17:52,304
I give good parent
503
00:17:52,306 --> 00:17:54,173
She gives good parent
504
00:17:54,175 --> 00:17:56,308
To parents like me
505
00:17:56,310 --> 00:17:59,011
Brought a nice red, so
when I come in the place
506
00:17:59,013 --> 00:18:00,846
I already got 'em
heated up under the waist
507
00:18:00,848 --> 00:18:02,598
Your home's such a
beautiful, comfortable space
508
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:04,817
Bitches, you two
have wonderful taste
509
00:18:04,819 --> 00:18:06,519
Sit down at the table
and I'm murdering
510
00:18:06,521 --> 00:18:09,021
Inquiring what line
of work they're in
511
00:18:09,023 --> 00:18:10,389
Making faces like
I'm crazed erotically
512
00:18:10,391 --> 00:18:12,441
Wait, my uncle is in radiology
513
00:18:12,443 --> 00:18:14,160
Every dish is
delicious, Michelin Star
514
00:18:14,162 --> 00:18:16,078
Please pass the arroz
like I passed the bar
515
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:17,697
An attorney?
Yale law, Harvard undergrad
516
00:18:17,699 --> 00:18:19,532
Got the Chan fam damp
in their underpants
517
00:18:19,534 --> 00:18:21,333
Dad tells jokes, I
squeal in amusement
518
00:18:21,335 --> 00:18:23,669
I agree that Neil
Diamond is real music
519
00:18:23,671 --> 00:18:25,955
Gonna suck up and kiss
ass till I have 'em eatin'
520
00:18:25,957 --> 00:18:27,423
Outta this hand like
they're eatin' this what?
521
00:18:27,425 --> 00:18:29,425
I'm DTF, but understand me
522
00:18:29,427 --> 00:18:31,127
It means I'm dazzling the family
523
00:18:31,129 --> 00:18:32,962
Like an anaconda,
bitch, I'm immense
524
00:18:32,964 --> 00:18:35,080
And you a common wench,
so grovel, Valence
525
00:18:35,082 --> 00:18:37,049
Boss-ass bitch, no one's above me
526
00:18:37,051 --> 00:18:38,801
End of the night,
they line up to hug me
527
00:18:38,803 --> 00:18:40,720
Oh, my gosh, this was so lovely
528
00:18:40,722 --> 00:18:42,855
To be clear, your parents
want to have sex with me
529
00:18:42,857 --> 00:18:45,107
I give good parent
530
00:18:45,109 --> 00:18:47,059
MRS. CHAN:
She gives good parent
531
00:18:47,061 --> 00:18:49,428
I give good parent
532
00:18:49,430 --> 00:18:51,814
To parents like me.
533
00:18:51,816 --> 00:18:53,816
(laughs)
534
00:18:54,535 --> 00:18:56,461
So I open up the chest in the attic,
535
00:18:56,486 --> 00:18:58,031
and there it is!
536
00:18:58,056 --> 00:19:00,706
Let's just say that was
one very late library book.
537
00:19:00,731 --> 00:19:03,453
(laughter)
538
00:19:05,988 --> 00:19:07,828
Oh, my God, your sisters love that story.
539
00:19:07,853 --> 00:19:09,803
Yeah, up top, Jayma. Yeah!
540
00:19:09,828 --> 00:19:11,295
Up top, Jastenity.
541
00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:12,445
Okay.
542
00:19:13,260 --> 00:19:14,469
Whoa.
543
00:19:14,494 --> 00:19:15,680
My dad never smiles.
544
00:19:15,705 --> 00:19:16,838
You almost got one there.
545
00:19:17,828 --> 00:19:19,391
So, um, how did
546
00:19:19,393 --> 00:19:21,293
your Thanksgiving food plan work out?
547
00:19:21,295 --> 00:19:22,978
I noticed that you had
a lot of the dinuguan.
548
00:19:22,980 --> 00:19:24,430
Yeah, it looked so good this year,
549
00:19:24,432 --> 00:19:26,000
I nixed the yams with the marshmallows.
550
00:19:26,025 --> 00:19:28,430
Interesting. Uh,
fun fact... I made it.
551
00:19:28,455 --> 00:19:30,413
No. No, you did not.
552
00:19:30,438 --> 00:19:31,383
- Yeah.
- Get out of here.
553
00:19:31,408 --> 00:19:33,274
Are you sure you're not Filipino?
554
00:19:34,421 --> 00:19:37,338
I wish, I wish I could
be from your country.
555
00:19:37,363 --> 00:19:38,262
I can only be so lucky.
556
00:19:38,312 --> 00:19:40,162
MRS. CHAN: Oh, Rebecca.
557
00:19:40,164 --> 00:19:42,865
It's wonderful that
you are such a bookworm.
558
00:19:42,867 --> 00:19:44,945
Ah, we have something in common.
559
00:19:44,970 --> 00:19:46,789
I am in a very interesting book club.
560
00:19:46,814 --> 00:19:48,719
I love books and clubs.
561
00:19:48,744 --> 00:19:50,577
Two of my favorite things.
562
00:19:50,602 --> 00:19:52,281
You should join.
563
00:19:52,306 --> 00:19:53,972
We would love to have
a young person like you.
564
00:19:54,445 --> 00:19:56,242
Oh, yeah. I would love to go
565
00:19:56,267 --> 00:19:57,797
to your book club, too, Mrs. Chan.
566
00:19:57,822 --> 00:19:59,154
I actually just read a book.
567
00:19:59,179 --> 00:20:00,479
It's about journaling.
568
00:20:00,504 --> 00:20:01,680
Lea Michele wrote it.
569
00:20:01,705 --> 00:20:03,102
Lots of blank pages.
570
00:20:03,127 --> 00:20:04,766
So it's basically a journal.
571
00:20:05,211 --> 00:20:08,974
Uh-huh, I see. (laughs)
572
00:20:08,976 --> 00:20:11,094
Would you like more turkey, Rebecca?
573
00:20:11,529 --> 00:20:15,180
Ma, you promised to be
nicer to Valencia this year.
574
00:20:15,617 --> 00:20:16,828
What?
575
00:20:17,235 --> 00:20:19,485
576
00:20:29,167 --> 00:20:31,619
(Paula laughing)
577
00:20:34,873 --> 00:20:36,207
What you watching?
578
00:20:36,397 --> 00:20:37,414
Your soap?
579
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,024
Yeah, my soap opera.
580
00:20:40,474 --> 00:20:41,570
I knew it.
581
00:20:41,595 --> 00:20:42,672
I remember you liked that.
582
00:20:42,697 --> 00:20:44,814
All of My Days or something like that?
583
00:20:45,018 --> 00:20:46,901
That's the, that's the one.
584
00:20:50,149 --> 00:20:52,324
All right, Dad, let me get this out.
585
00:20:52,349 --> 00:20:54,586
Listen, I love living with you...
586
00:20:56,692 --> 00:20:57,602
Dad?
587
00:20:59,094 --> 00:21:01,727
Dad? Damn it!
588
00:21:07,844 --> 00:21:09,178
We've been here before.
589
00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:10,883
He needs one in the small of his back.
590
00:21:10,908 --> 00:21:12,742
Otherwise, the farts have nowhere to go.
591
00:21:12,767 --> 00:21:13,882
Here, I can do it.
592
00:21:14,789 --> 00:21:16,385
Oh, thanks, Greg.
593
00:21:16,387 --> 00:21:17,636
I don't like a hot butt.
594
00:21:17,638 --> 00:21:18,938
Nobody does, Dad.
595
00:21:19,117 --> 00:21:20,533
(knocking)
596
00:21:20,558 --> 00:21:23,175
Um, may I speak with you
privately, Mr. Serrano?
597
00:21:26,446 --> 00:21:27,896
So we were able to stabilize him,
598
00:21:27,898 --> 00:21:29,481
but we have a couple of concerns.
599
00:21:29,483 --> 00:21:31,317
One, his oxygen levels are too low,
600
00:21:31,319 --> 00:21:32,818
so we need to run some more tests.
601
00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:36,822
And two... your dad keeps
asking me to go outside
602
00:21:36,824 --> 00:21:39,163
and have a cigarette and
some whiskey with him.
603
00:21:39,188 --> 00:21:40,743
- Mm.
- Not okay.
604
00:21:40,745 --> 00:21:41,960
In a lot of ways.
605
00:21:42,453 --> 00:21:44,391
MARCO: Cathy, the menthols?
606
00:21:44,965 --> 00:21:47,276
I'm sorry he still smokes...
607
00:21:47,461 --> 00:21:49,752
and drinks and literally eats lard.
608
00:21:49,754 --> 00:21:51,656
He doesn't listen to me, he never has.
609
00:21:51,681 --> 00:21:54,141
Well, that's not the problem...
I mean, it is a problem...
610
00:21:54,166 --> 00:21:56,986
It's just that his emphysema has progressed
611
00:21:57,011 --> 00:21:58,594
from a stage one to a stage two,
612
00:21:58,596 --> 00:22:00,062
which means we need to change the protocol,
613
00:22:00,064 --> 00:22:01,383
add some medications.
614
00:22:01,789 --> 00:22:02,633
Okay.
615
00:22:02,658 --> 00:22:04,477
The thing is, our best treatment options
616
00:22:04,510 --> 00:22:05,867
aren't covered by your insurance.
617
00:22:05,892 --> 00:22:09,465
So if you'd like to proceed,
I'll need your approval.
618
00:22:09,975 --> 00:22:11,391
How much is it going...?
619
00:22:13,039 --> 00:22:15,250
Whoa, how am I supposed to pay for that?
620
00:22:15,830 --> 00:22:19,531
621
00:22:19,533 --> 00:22:21,467
Here you go, I'll take that.
622
00:22:21,469 --> 00:22:23,285
And I will take that, sir.
623
00:22:23,287 --> 00:22:24,670
Sit, sit, sit.
624
00:22:24,672 --> 00:22:26,105
Honestly, I just want some private time
625
00:22:26,107 --> 00:22:27,923
so I can lick all these plates myself.
626
00:22:27,925 --> 00:22:30,008
Too gross or too honest? Take a vote, BRB.
627
00:22:30,010 --> 00:22:31,176
(laughs)
628
00:22:34,532 --> 00:22:36,032
Oh, honey, well, look at that.
629
00:22:36,383 --> 00:22:37,716
You've barely eaten anything.
630
00:22:37,718 --> 00:22:38,727
You must be starving.
631
00:22:38,752 --> 00:22:39,891
Of course I'm starving.
632
00:22:39,916 --> 00:22:41,614
I've been starving since 1998.
633
00:22:41,639 --> 00:22:43,472
You know what, that is
the media telling you
634
00:22:43,474 --> 00:22:45,930
what your body should be,
and it just gets my goat...
635
00:22:45,955 --> 00:22:47,469
Oh, cut the crap.
636
00:22:47,893 --> 00:22:51,000
I see what you're doing,
sucking up to Josh's parents.
637
00:22:51,025 --> 00:22:52,336
Well, it's not gonna work.
638
00:22:52,631 --> 00:22:57,249
Parents may love brown-nosers,
but men, like Josh, love me.
639
00:22:57,274 --> 00:22:58,070
(scoffs)
640
00:22:58,072 --> 00:23:00,038
You are out of your depth.
641
00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:02,291
You don't understand our relationship,
642
00:23:02,293 --> 00:23:03,750
and you don't understand Josh.
643
00:23:03,995 --> 00:23:05,161
We have history.
644
00:23:05,296 --> 00:23:06,745
We have chemistry.
645
00:23:06,906 --> 00:23:08,945
Well, that's a lot of academic subjects.
646
00:23:08,970 --> 00:23:11,053
You think he's gonna find you sexy
647
00:23:11,078 --> 00:23:12,695
when you're spending all
day shopping with his mom
648
00:23:12,837 --> 00:23:14,253
for visors?
649
00:23:14,255 --> 00:23:16,219
Ooh, girl, hang in there.
650
00:23:16,474 --> 00:23:17,840
(Licks tongue)
651
00:23:17,842 --> 00:23:19,892
Oh, honey.
652
00:23:19,894 --> 00:23:21,626
You're having a tough day.
653
00:23:21,628 --> 00:23:23,531
I get it, the holidays can be stressful.
654
00:23:24,148 --> 00:23:25,514
Can I get you anything?
655
00:23:25,516 --> 00:23:27,469
Maybe a hot cup of arroz caldo?
656
00:23:27,494 --> 00:23:29,878
I don't need chicken soup, thank you.
657
00:23:30,020 --> 00:23:32,391
Chicken soup is just hot melted fat water.
658
00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:35,738
You don't belong here...
This is not your family.
659
00:23:35,763 --> 00:23:38,681
And good luck digesting
all that gross food.
660
00:23:40,147 --> 00:23:42,014
That's culturally insensitive.
661
00:23:43,391 --> 00:23:45,584
LOURDES: Time for the family photo.
662
00:23:45,586 --> 00:23:47,369
Don't belong here? That's ridiculous.
663
00:23:47,371 --> 00:23:48,871
Smile! (camera shutter clicks)
664
00:23:56,879 --> 00:23:58,463
Hey, Kevin.
665
00:24:00,486 --> 00:24:02,148
Listen, um...
666
00:24:03,166 --> 00:24:05,563
I said a lot of regrettable
things yesterday,
667
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:08,203
and I wanted you to know I'm sorry.
668
00:24:08,228 --> 00:24:09,627
You were only saying
what others were thinking.
669
00:24:10,234 --> 00:24:11,393
Thank you.
670
00:24:11,395 --> 00:24:12,859
I got a tongue scraper.
671
00:24:13,184 --> 00:24:16,203
Things are looking hhhheeexxxcellent.
672
00:24:16,567 --> 00:24:17,682
(chuckles)
673
00:24:17,684 --> 00:24:18,850
That's terrific.
674
00:24:18,852 --> 00:24:20,164
- It's minty.
- Yeah.
675
00:24:21,484 --> 00:24:23,048
You want your job back, don't you?
676
00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:24,856
I do.
677
00:24:24,858 --> 00:24:27,159
You think that's the first
Netflix quit I've seen?
678
00:24:27,430 --> 00:24:30,195
Had a busboy do the entire
Peter Finch speech from Network.
679
00:24:30,197 --> 00:24:32,214
Shouted out of a window and everything.
680
00:24:32,531 --> 00:24:33,665
Oh, it was Javier.
681
00:24:33,905 --> 00:24:35,209
JAVIER: Welcome back, Greg.
682
00:24:35,531 --> 00:24:38,633
"I'm mad as hell, and I'm
not gonna take it anymore!"
683
00:24:38,705 --> 00:24:40,266
Oh, it was great.
684
00:24:40,291 --> 00:24:41,340
You should have been there.
685
00:24:42,391 --> 00:24:44,343
Ah, they all come back.
686
00:24:44,719 --> 00:24:47,262
Greg, you want your job back, it's yours.
687
00:24:47,264 --> 00:24:48,711
Ah. Ooh.
688
00:24:48,811 --> 00:24:51,527
Ah, ah. (chuckles)
689
00:24:51,552 --> 00:24:54,553
I forgot how much fun it
was here... I missed that.
690
00:24:54,555 --> 00:24:57,072
- Yeah.
- Um, listen, I really appreciate this,
691
00:24:57,074 --> 00:24:59,441
but I don't want to work
today, it's Thanksgiving,
692
00:24:59,443 --> 00:25:02,277
and I have seniority, I can pick my shifts.
693
00:25:02,279 --> 00:25:03,612
Had seniority.
694
00:25:03,614 --> 00:25:04,780
So sorry.
695
00:25:04,782 --> 00:25:06,198
Oh, and, uh...
696
00:25:06,578 --> 00:25:08,461
the toilets are clogged.
697
00:25:08,902 --> 00:25:10,902
Who flushes a jump rope?
698
00:25:12,330 --> 00:25:13,430
So sorry.
699
00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,091
Aunt Dhori, I insist
700
00:25:16,093 --> 00:25:17,203
that you call me.
701
00:25:17,228 --> 00:25:19,094
I think we have a case here, I really do.
702
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:21,725
Listen, if the frozen dinner box says
703
00:25:21,750 --> 00:25:25,399
that there are five shrimp,
there should be five, not four.
704
00:25:25,704 --> 00:25:27,289
Yeah, totally.
705
00:25:27,438 --> 00:25:28,470
Okay.
706
00:25:28,472 --> 00:25:30,305
Call me, yeah.
707
00:25:30,307 --> 00:25:33,258
Rebecca, thank you so
much for coming today.
708
00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:36,445
We are so thankful God sent you to us.
709
00:25:36,697 --> 00:25:38,397
REBECCA: Oh... (both chuckle)
710
00:25:38,399 --> 00:25:40,866
"God sent you to us."
711
00:25:40,868 --> 00:25:42,618
Aw, that's nice, Paula.
712
00:25:42,620 --> 00:25:43,619
Thought you hated me.
713
00:25:44,055 --> 00:25:45,037
I do.
714
00:25:45,039 --> 00:25:46,488
Everyone hates you.
715
00:25:46,490 --> 00:25:47,664
You're racist.
716
00:25:49,352 --> 00:25:53,462
Well, um, thanks again for everything.
717
00:25:53,464 --> 00:25:56,570
I guess I should really go.
718
00:25:56,610 --> 00:25:58,026
Yeah, you really should.
719
00:25:58,172 --> 00:26:00,619
- Valencia.
- What? She wants to go.
720
00:26:00,621 --> 00:26:02,804
Well, good-bye.
721
00:26:03,078 --> 00:26:05,257
Bye, Jayma. Bye, Jastenity.
722
00:26:05,259 --> 00:26:07,006
Wait, Rebecca.
723
00:26:07,031 --> 00:26:09,428
Would you join our family for mass?
724
00:26:09,430 --> 00:26:10,812
We'd love to have you.
725
00:26:11,032 --> 00:26:13,180
Um, she's Jewish.
726
00:26:14,251 --> 00:26:17,430
I would be so honored,
Mrs. Chan, thank you.
727
00:26:17,774 --> 00:26:19,154
Wow, can I just say,
728
00:26:19,156 --> 00:26:21,969
you have made me feel like I truly belong.
729
00:26:23,172 --> 00:26:25,077
Oh, of course you do.
730
00:26:25,079 --> 00:26:27,913
Great, I'll also join for mass
731
00:26:27,915 --> 00:26:30,492
because I actually believe in Jesus.
732
00:26:30,701 --> 00:26:32,150
(chuckling): Knock yourself out.
733
00:26:32,152 --> 00:26:33,818
It's a public place of worship.
734
00:26:33,843 --> 00:26:34,695
(stomach gurgling)
735
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,414
Uh, where is your powder
room really quickly?
736
00:26:37,617 --> 00:26:39,392
Oh, it's just down the hall, sweetie.
737
00:26:39,660 --> 00:26:41,009
Okay... thank you.
738
00:26:41,011 --> 00:26:42,260
I'll be right...
739
00:26:42,731 --> 00:26:44,965
Thanks. (stomach gurgling)
740
00:26:45,491 --> 00:26:47,793
(speaks indistinctly)
741
00:26:49,143 --> 00:26:51,328
(cell phone ringing)
742
00:26:53,391 --> 00:26:54,890
(whispering): Hey. Hey, Paula.
743
00:26:54,892 --> 00:26:57,526
Hey, cookie, you are crushing it!
744
00:26:57,528 --> 00:26:59,227
Yeah, I know, it's going so well.
745
00:26:59,229 --> 00:27:00,345
Okay, listen.
746
00:27:00,347 --> 00:27:01,897
I have to go to the bathroom,
747
00:27:01,899 --> 00:27:03,315
(door slams) but I will call you...
748
00:27:03,317 --> 00:27:04,849
Wait-wait, wait-wait,
wait, hold on.
749
00:27:04,851 --> 00:27:06,368
Hold on. Hold it, somebody's here.
750
00:27:06,370 --> 00:27:07,736
Oh, crap.
751
00:27:07,738 --> 00:27:09,953
I really have to poo-poo. Okay, hold on.
752
00:27:10,157 --> 00:27:12,457
VALENCIA: I'm so... I try so
hard to be nice to your mom,
753
00:27:12,459 --> 00:27:14,242
and all she ever gives me is stink face.
754
00:27:14,244 --> 00:27:15,256
Hold on, shh, shh, shh.
755
00:27:15,281 --> 00:27:16,553
Josh: Babe, babe, babe,
she-she loves you.
756
00:27:16,578 --> 00:27:18,046
And you just stood there doing nothing
757
00:27:18,048 --> 00:27:19,965
while she sucked up to
everyone like a vacuum cleaner.
758
00:27:19,967 --> 00:27:21,383
(gasps) Come on, Rebecca
was just being nice.
759
00:27:21,385 --> 00:27:22,968
- It's Josh and Valencia.
- Nice?!
760
00:27:22,970 --> 00:27:24,869
VALENCIA: So naive, Josh!
761
00:27:24,871 --> 00:27:26,888
You don't see who she really is.
762
00:27:27,289 --> 00:27:29,413
(gasps) They're fighting.
763
00:27:29,927 --> 00:27:32,210
It's so sad.
764
00:27:32,212 --> 00:27:34,062
Oh, my God, I can hear it.
765
00:27:34,064 --> 00:27:35,414
You didn't even sit next to me.
766
00:27:35,439 --> 00:27:37,506
I told you I wanted to
be closer to the turkey.
767
00:27:37,531 --> 00:27:38,830
I like the skin!
768
00:27:38,855 --> 00:27:40,555
PAULA: I can hear it. Why
don't you stick up for me?
769
00:27:40,580 --> 00:27:42,437
Oh, my God, this is
it... this is the boulder.
770
00:27:42,439 --> 00:27:43,939
Wait-wait, wait, wait,
wait, shh, shh, shh.
771
00:27:43,941 --> 00:27:45,357
Wait, wait, I can't hear.
772
00:27:45,359 --> 00:27:46,656
Wait.
773
00:27:47,394 --> 00:27:48,276
It's gone quiet.
774
00:27:48,458 --> 00:27:49,750
What happened?
775
00:27:50,252 --> 00:27:51,618
Did she kill him?
776
00:27:51,643 --> 00:27:53,643
(mattress springs squeak rhythmically)
777
00:27:55,151 --> 00:27:56,619
What is that sound?
778
00:27:57,086 --> 00:27:59,313
Wait, I don't know.
779
00:28:00,602 --> 00:28:02,242
Maybe it's a tiny trampoline.
780
00:28:03,758 --> 00:28:05,761
Or a ghost with a rusty knee?
781
00:28:06,453 --> 00:28:08,046
- (Valencia moans)
- Oh, my God, Rebecca, are they...?
782
00:28:08,048 --> 00:28:10,248
(Josh and Valencia moaning)
783
00:28:11,134 --> 00:28:12,467
Oh, no.
784
00:28:12,469 --> 00:28:14,770
- (Valencia moans)
- JOSH: Oh, yeah.
785
00:28:19,953 --> 00:28:21,422
Run out of the room.
786
00:28:21,430 --> 00:28:22,963
Just sprint by their
writhing bodies and escape.
787
00:28:23,020 --> 00:28:24,436
(stomach gurgling) No, no-no, I can't.
788
00:28:24,438 --> 00:28:26,387
Because if I move, my bowels will explode.
789
00:28:26,389 --> 00:28:28,273
Like, all over the walls.
790
00:28:28,275 --> 00:28:30,391
Wait, shh, shh, shh. Shh,
I think they've stopped.
791
00:28:30,393 --> 00:28:32,938
I think they stopped, hold on, hold on.
792
00:28:33,189 --> 00:28:35,056
(bed resumes squeaking)
(Josh and Valencia moaning)
793
00:28:35,199 --> 00:28:38,820
Oh, God, the stamina.
794
00:28:39,108 --> 00:28:41,108
Why won't this end?
795
00:28:44,986 --> 00:28:47,154
When is this gonna end?
796
00:28:52,138 --> 00:28:53,195
Huh.
797
00:28:54,151 --> 00:28:56,289
Never noticed that before.
798
00:29:09,065 --> 00:29:12,984
It's 5:53 on Thanksgiving
799
00:29:12,986 --> 00:29:17,038
Not one customer's
walked through the door
800
00:29:17,040 --> 00:29:21,877
But I'm still here,
slinging drinks for a living
801
00:29:21,879 --> 00:29:24,963
I've never played piano before
802
00:29:27,967 --> 00:29:29,801
Not bad.
803
00:29:29,803 --> 00:29:33,221
I know this town like
the back of my hand
804
00:29:33,223 --> 00:29:37,592
But I'm not such a fan
of the back of my hand
805
00:29:37,594 --> 00:29:39,594
'Cause if you look real close
806
00:29:39,596 --> 00:29:41,629
At those little hairs and veins
807
00:29:41,631 --> 00:29:44,099
You're like, "Hands
are sort of gross"
808
00:29:44,101 --> 00:29:48,904
It's hard to explain
809
00:29:48,906 --> 00:29:50,856
The point is
810
00:29:50,858 --> 00:29:54,326
Hey, West Covina
811
00:29:54,328 --> 00:29:58,146
Why won't you let me break free?
812
00:29:58,148 --> 00:30:00,148
Am I doomed to stay here
813
00:30:00,150 --> 00:30:02,534
Pouring my high
school friends beers
814
00:30:02,536 --> 00:30:06,421
For the rest of eternity?
815
00:30:06,423 --> 00:30:10,842
Hey, West Covina
816
00:30:10,844 --> 00:30:14,846
You know just where to find me
817
00:30:14,848 --> 00:30:19,167
I'll never go far,
so pull up to the bar
818
00:30:19,169 --> 00:30:22,604
Hey, West Covina
819
00:30:22,606 --> 00:30:26,274
What'll it be?
820
00:30:31,847 --> 00:30:35,233
It's 5:55, I'm still singing
821
00:30:35,235 --> 00:30:38,703
The big Turkey Day
game's letting out
822
00:30:38,705 --> 00:30:41,522
But no one's coming here
823
00:30:41,524 --> 00:30:43,458
Who am I kidding?
824
00:30:43,460 --> 00:30:47,963
Hey, you sunburned
MILFs, give me a shout
825
00:30:47,965 --> 00:30:52,533
Everyone's going home 'cause
it's time to give thanks
826
00:30:52,535 --> 00:30:56,888
Thanks for the chain
stores and outlets and banks
827
00:30:56,890 --> 00:31:00,926
Thanks for this town three
short hours from the beach
828
00:31:00,928 --> 00:31:06,064
Where all of your dreams
can stay just out of reach...
829
00:31:07,316 --> 00:31:09,651
(imitates drum fill)
830
00:31:09,653 --> 00:31:13,154
Hey, West Covina
831
00:31:13,156 --> 00:31:17,058
You're not listening,
so what's the use?
832
00:31:17,060 --> 00:31:21,496
Is my purpose in life to
slice limes with a knife?
833
00:31:21,498 --> 00:31:26,534
Or to serve Deb a vodka
and cranberry juice?
834
00:31:26,536 --> 00:31:28,336
Hey, Deb, I'll be right with you.
835
00:31:28,338 --> 00:31:32,407
Hey, West Covina
836
00:31:32,409 --> 00:31:35,210
Look what you're doing to me
837
00:31:35,212 --> 00:31:38,296
Can't you see, West Covina
838
00:31:38,298 --> 00:31:40,181
You're killing me, West Covina
839
00:31:40,183 --> 00:31:44,352
Last call, West Covina
840
00:31:44,377 --> 00:31:49,580
What'll it be?
841
00:31:56,532 --> 00:31:58,733
(pop music playing on radio)
842
00:32:08,077 --> 00:32:10,412
Hold on. Hold on. Wait, I
think they might be gone.
843
00:32:10,414 --> 00:32:11,880
Shh. Hold on.
844
00:32:13,883 --> 00:32:15,440
Oh...
845
00:32:17,837 --> 00:32:18,887
Yes. Yes.
846
00:32:19,267 --> 00:32:20,399
Okay, they're gone.
847
00:32:20,424 --> 00:32:21,923
Go to the bathroom, honey.
848
00:32:21,925 --> 00:32:23,391
No. I'm gonna make a run for it
849
00:32:23,393 --> 00:32:24,676
because I can't be in
this house any longer.
850
00:32:24,678 --> 00:32:25,960
Are you crazy?
851
00:32:25,962 --> 00:32:27,462
You'll never make it!
852
00:32:27,527 --> 00:32:28,743
You will never make it.
853
00:32:28,768 --> 00:32:32,236
(stomach gurgling)
854
00:32:42,528 --> 00:32:44,112
There you are!
855
00:32:44,572 --> 00:32:45,558
Ready for church
856
00:32:45,854 --> 00:32:47,482
You know, I really want to go,
857
00:32:47,484 --> 00:32:49,484
but I have to take a
giant... (stomach gurgling)
858
00:32:50,072 --> 00:32:50,919
rain check.
859
00:32:51,088 --> 00:32:52,775
(clinking)
860
00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:53,832
Everyone...
861
00:32:53,834 --> 00:32:55,362
I have an announcement to make.
862
00:32:55,603 --> 00:32:57,096
Today has been a special day.
863
00:32:57,121 --> 00:32:59,038
So nice to see everyone here
864
00:32:59,063 --> 00:33:00,429
from, you know, Rancho Cucamonga,
865
00:33:00,454 --> 00:33:02,787
and Stockton, Monrovia,
866
00:33:02,812 --> 00:33:03,928
Victorville...
867
00:33:03,953 --> 00:33:05,619
Yeah, all the places!
868
00:33:05,644 --> 00:33:07,611
JOSH: I'm so thankful
for the wonderful meal
869
00:33:07,673 --> 00:33:09,205
and for, you know,
870
00:33:09,230 --> 00:33:11,221
sharing great laughs, as
always. (stomach gurgling)
871
00:33:11,692 --> 00:33:14,926
But there were also
some challenging moments.
872
00:33:15,385 --> 00:33:17,252
Those moments are really important, too.
873
00:33:17,277 --> 00:33:19,627
Because of those moments,
874
00:33:20,127 --> 00:33:21,533
we find out what really matters
875
00:33:21,558 --> 00:33:24,426
and are reminded where we belong.
876
00:33:24,832 --> 00:33:26,465
And I belong...
877
00:33:27,653 --> 00:33:28,924
with Valencia.
878
00:33:31,940 --> 00:33:33,166
On that note,
879
00:33:33,191 --> 00:33:36,052
and in front of the people I love the most
880
00:33:36,077 --> 00:33:37,822
and who love me the most...
881
00:33:38,783 --> 00:33:42,021
V, I want to ask you something.
882
00:33:42,310 --> 00:33:44,643
(quiet murmuring)
883
00:33:44,935 --> 00:33:46,318
Valencia...
884
00:33:48,591 --> 00:33:50,318
will you move in with me? (gasps)
885
00:33:51,154 --> 00:33:52,587
I do!
886
00:33:52,612 --> 00:33:54,395
I mean, I will.
887
00:33:54,749 --> 00:33:58,654
No... No...
888
00:34:03,370 --> 00:34:05,104
Now, who wants to go see Jesus?
889
00:34:05,386 --> 00:34:07,247
(laughter)
890
00:34:11,943 --> 00:34:14,721
(TV plays indistinctly)
891
00:34:14,746 --> 00:34:16,473
Hey. Hey.
892
00:34:16,498 --> 00:34:18,198
I brought your robe. I know you hate
893
00:34:18,199 --> 00:34:19,842
that these hospital gowns
leave your ass hanging out.
894
00:34:19,867 --> 00:34:21,943
My ass will hang out when I say it should.
895
00:34:22,085 --> 00:34:24,028
I am the captain of my own ass.
896
00:34:24,138 --> 00:34:25,974
(both laugh)
897
00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:29,293
- I know what you did.
- What?
898
00:34:29,318 --> 00:34:30,632
(scoffs)
899
00:34:30,806 --> 00:34:32,606
One of the nurses ratted you out.
900
00:34:33,652 --> 00:34:35,112
You spent all your savings?
901
00:34:35,472 --> 00:34:36,325
On me?
902
00:34:36,443 --> 00:34:38,404
(laughing): Why?
903
00:34:38,429 --> 00:34:39,840
I'm a lost cause.
904
00:34:39,865 --> 00:34:41,097
Run, like your mother did.
905
00:34:41,099 --> 00:34:42,315
Save yourself.
906
00:34:42,568 --> 00:34:43,933
And-and the macaws.
907
00:34:44,138 --> 00:34:45,535
You need those treatments.
908
00:34:45,537 --> 00:34:47,871
You gotta go to school. Move out.
909
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:49,656
It's-it's time.
910
00:34:49,658 --> 00:34:51,107
Don't you tell me what to do.
911
00:34:51,109 --> 00:34:53,109
I make my own decisions,
thank you very much,
912
00:34:53,111 --> 00:34:55,044
and I'm not going anywhere, sorry.
913
00:34:55,130 --> 00:34:57,724
- Now...
- Don't, don't... fight me on this.
914
00:34:57,749 --> 00:34:59,810
Look at you, old man,
915
00:34:59,835 --> 00:35:01,513
you'd lose.
916
00:35:02,673 --> 00:35:04,513
You have tubes in your face.
917
00:35:04,723 --> 00:35:06,339
You know what my father would've done
918
00:35:06,341 --> 00:35:07,600
if I talked to him like that?
919
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:09,559
He probably would've said,
920
00:35:09,561 --> 00:35:11,477
"Thank you for saving my life, son."
921
00:35:11,479 --> 00:35:12,864
(laughing): Yeah, probably.
922
00:35:12,889 --> 00:35:14,139
My father was a saint.
923
00:35:14,164 --> 00:35:16,080
(both laugh)
924
00:35:16,184 --> 00:35:18,735
Now, hey... get out of here.
925
00:35:18,918 --> 00:35:21,131
And get yourself something to eat,
926
00:35:21,156 --> 00:35:22,572
something decent to eat.
927
00:35:22,574 --> 00:35:23,806
The food here is garbage.
928
00:35:23,808 --> 00:35:25,474
I will, in a bit.
929
00:35:25,499 --> 00:35:26,419
I'm not in a hurry.
930
00:35:27,812 --> 00:35:29,979
(TV plays indistinctly)
931
00:35:30,804 --> 00:35:32,271
I love you, you know.
932
00:35:33,250 --> 00:35:34,534
Almost as much as Sinatra,
933
00:35:34,536 --> 00:35:36,502
and he's a damned good bird.
934
00:35:38,923 --> 00:35:40,623
(chuckles) Oh, no, no, no.
935
00:35:40,625 --> 00:35:41,925
- Change that.
- No, no. I don't...
936
00:35:41,927 --> 00:35:43,843
The beach volleyball, come on.
937
00:35:43,845 --> 00:35:45,345
- I don't need...
- Oh, look at, look at that.
938
00:35:45,347 --> 00:35:46,763
La, la, la, la. Oh, Brazil!
939
00:35:46,765 --> 00:35:48,631
La, la, la, la. Oh, go, baby, go.
940
00:35:50,935 --> 00:35:52,886
You can make it, you can
make it, you can make it...
941
00:35:52,888 --> 00:35:54,520
PAULA: You can do it, baby.
942
00:35:54,522 --> 00:35:56,005
You can make it. Just don't think about it.
943
00:35:56,007 --> 00:35:57,807
Oh, thank God...
944
00:35:57,809 --> 00:36:00,360
Oh... oh...
945
00:36:01,511 --> 00:36:03,062
Paula, come on.
946
00:36:03,094 --> 00:36:04,543
Enough with that.
947
00:36:08,904 --> 00:36:11,882
So, this is our first Thanksgiving
948
00:36:12,466 --> 00:36:13,550
without Aunt Judy.
949
00:36:14,169 --> 00:36:15,364
Let's, uh...
950
00:36:15,860 --> 00:36:17,677
have a moment of silence for her.
951
00:36:18,914 --> 00:36:20,614
REBECCA: Why...?
952
00:36:20,920 --> 00:36:22,704
Because she's dead.
953
00:36:22,918 --> 00:36:25,468
(snoring)
954
00:36:29,388 --> 00:36:30,473
(knocking at door)
955
00:36:30,880 --> 00:36:31,841
Hey, Paula!
956
00:36:31,843 --> 00:36:33,059
Come in. (door opens)
957
00:36:33,061 --> 00:36:34,811
Oh, I think my spleen is somewhere
958
00:36:34,813 --> 00:36:36,896
in the municipal sewer system.
959
00:36:36,939 --> 00:36:38,388
(door closes)
960
00:36:38,516 --> 00:36:40,433
Oh...
961
00:36:40,435 --> 00:36:44,320
Oh... my butthole's the gateway to hell.
962
00:36:44,322 --> 00:36:46,155
(moaning)
963
00:36:46,157 --> 00:36:48,074
- You look great.
- Hi!
964
00:36:48,076 --> 00:36:49,525
What are you doing here?
965
00:36:50,169 --> 00:36:51,194
You promised me a drink.
966
00:36:51,196 --> 00:36:52,395
I got tired of waiting.
967
00:36:52,397 --> 00:36:54,247
Okay. So you just showed up?
968
00:36:54,249 --> 00:36:56,249
And, like, phones don't exist?
969
00:36:56,251 --> 00:36:58,234
I decided we're past courtesy.
970
00:36:58,841 --> 00:37:01,237
I brought
tacos and tequila,
971
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:03,339
the food of our forefathers.
972
00:37:03,818 --> 00:37:05,591
Well, not really yours. Or mine.
973
00:37:05,593 --> 00:37:07,710
That's really nice.
974
00:37:07,712 --> 00:37:10,346
But, God, I'm not really in a position
975
00:37:10,348 --> 00:37:11,714
to eat that stuff right now.
976
00:37:11,716 --> 00:37:13,182
I've had the worst Thanksgiving ever.
977
00:37:13,184 --> 00:37:14,767
Yeah, mine was really bad, too.
978
00:37:14,769 --> 00:37:17,253
It was like Pearl Harbor
meets the movie Pearl Harbor.
979
00:37:17,255 --> 00:37:19,389
(laughs) That's funny.
980
00:37:19,724 --> 00:37:20,723
Well, feel free
981
00:37:20,725 --> 00:37:22,859
to sit down, but I gotta warn you,
982
00:37:22,861 --> 00:37:24,143
I'm not good company.
983
00:37:24,145 --> 00:37:25,144
That's okay. I'm used to it.
984
00:37:25,146 --> 00:37:27,730
Ha, ha, ha! (laughs evilly)
985
00:37:27,732 --> 00:37:29,265
You know what? Maybe I
will have some tequila.
986
00:37:29,267 --> 00:37:30,533
Yeah. (stomach gurgling)
987
00:37:30,535 --> 00:37:32,735
Oh, no, no, no. Not tacos, though.
988
00:37:32,737 --> 00:37:35,371
Not gonna handle those tacos right now.
989
00:37:35,373 --> 00:37:37,290
Here, let me get you a
plate to eat the tacos on,
990
00:37:37,292 --> 00:37:38,941
because you're a person.
991
00:37:38,943 --> 00:37:40,209
(stomach gurgling)
992
00:37:40,211 --> 00:37:41,958
Uh-oh. Oh, God.
993
00:37:41,983 --> 00:37:43,879
Oh, no...
994
00:37:43,904 --> 00:37:46,287
- Where are you... going?
- Okay, okay, okay.
995
00:37:46,334 --> 00:37:48,784
I'll be back, I'll be back.
Clench, Becky. Clench, Becky.
996
00:37:48,786 --> 00:37:50,303
You can do it. Okay.
997
00:37:50,305 --> 00:37:52,638
Okay, Becky.
998
00:37:53,132 --> 00:37:54,224
(door closes)
999
00:38:00,138 --> 00:38:01,958
Let's see what's on my queue.
1000
00:38:01,983 --> 00:38:02,935
No.
1001
00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:04,827
Mm... no. Sorry you
had to see that.
1002
00:38:04,852 --> 00:38:07,853
Ooh! Documentary about a
whale that didn't have parents.
1003
00:38:07,878 --> 00:38:09,482
Mm. Mm-hmm.
1004
00:38:09,507 --> 00:38:11,056
That says Thanksgiving.
1005
00:38:12,479 --> 00:38:15,798
So... how'd your dad take the news?
1006
00:38:16,959 --> 00:38:18,209
Oh, yeah, that didn't happen.
1007
00:38:19,270 --> 00:38:20,596
Really? He asked you to stay?
1008
00:38:21,372 --> 00:38:22,797
Nah, it's just...
1009
00:38:23,216 --> 00:38:24,427
The thing is,
1010
00:38:25,615 --> 00:38:27,699
he's always been there for me,
1011
00:38:27,724 --> 00:38:28,708
my whole life.
1012
00:38:30,778 --> 00:38:32,286
The only person, actually.
1013
00:38:33,985 --> 00:38:35,004
God...
1014
00:38:36,302 --> 00:38:37,794
it's nice that you have that.
1015
00:38:38,127 --> 00:38:39,560
'Cause not everyone does.
1016
00:38:42,598 --> 00:38:43,504
That whale didn't.
1017
00:38:43,825 --> 00:38:45,603
No. (chuckles)
1018
00:38:45,857 --> 00:38:47,190
Have you thought about night school?
1019
00:38:47,997 --> 00:38:49,725
Yeah. It's funny you say that.
1020
00:38:49,727 --> 00:38:51,194
I have been thinking about it.
1021
00:38:52,060 --> 00:38:52,895
Do it!
1022
00:38:54,271 --> 00:38:55,686
Maybe I will.
1023
00:38:56,083 --> 00:38:56,927
Okay.
1024
00:38:58,107 --> 00:38:59,252
Why does Netflix always want me
1025
00:38:59,254 --> 00:39:00,872
to watch Leaving Las Vegas?
1026
00:39:01,568 --> 00:39:03,122
What are they trying to tell me?
1027
00:39:03,124 --> 00:39:04,591
(gasps) Wait.
1028
00:39:04,593 --> 00:39:06,513
I know exactly what we should watch.
1029
00:39:06,744 --> 00:39:09,078
(clicking)
1030
00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:11,714
There. I saved you the pork adobo
1031
00:39:11,716 --> 00:39:13,416
and the turkey skin, Anak.
1032
00:39:13,418 --> 00:39:14,739
Thanks, Mom.
1033
00:39:14,764 --> 00:39:16,531
Hey, that was a great sermon, huh?
1034
00:39:16,556 --> 00:39:18,474
Perfect combination of guilt and...
1035
00:39:19,810 --> 00:39:21,457
No, I guess it was just guilt.
1036
00:39:21,459 --> 00:39:22,792
VALENCIA: I wasn't even paying attention.
1037
00:39:22,794 --> 00:39:25,417
I was just... so happy.
1038
00:39:25,442 --> 00:39:26,706
(giggling)
1039
00:39:26,731 --> 00:39:28,865
- (both laughing)
- I'm going to bed.
1040
00:39:28,969 --> 00:39:30,412
All I ask is
1041
00:39:30,702 --> 00:39:33,987
if you're going to go against
the church and live in sin,
1042
00:39:33,989 --> 00:39:36,888
be consistent and use contraception, okay?
1043
00:39:37,349 --> 00:39:38,458
(sighs)
1044
00:39:38,460 --> 00:39:39,742
(humming)
1045
00:39:40,165 --> 00:39:42,199
Thanks, Mom. Good night.
1046
00:39:42,727 --> 00:39:44,865
You want to hear something funny?
1047
00:39:45,083 --> 00:39:47,617
You want to know who I'm
most thankful for today?
1048
00:39:48,966 --> 00:39:50,003
Rebecca.
1049
00:39:50,005 --> 00:39:51,716
What? Why?
1050
00:39:51,923 --> 00:39:54,138
But don't get me wrong. She's
the worst and I hate her.
1051
00:39:54,491 --> 00:39:56,407
But if it wasn't for us fighting about her,
1052
00:39:56,682 --> 00:39:58,549
we wouldn't be moving in together!
1053
00:39:58,630 --> 00:40:00,379
(both laughing)
1054
00:40:00,404 --> 00:40:02,786
So, which part of town should we live in?
1055
00:40:02,934 --> 00:40:05,602
- Uh, I haven't thought about it yet.
- Well, I have,
1056
00:40:05,604 --> 00:40:08,271
because I have my eye on
a duplex on South Cameron
1057
00:40:08,273 --> 00:40:10,189
with a backyard and shutters
1058
00:40:10,191 --> 00:40:14,255
and French doors and Spanish
tile and an orange tree.
1059
00:40:14,412 --> 00:40:16,696
It has two bedrooms,
which would be perfect,
1060
00:40:16,698 --> 00:40:19,544
because I need the extra
room to practice my Ashtanga.
1061
00:40:22,497 --> 00:40:26,039
REBECCA (sighs): The World Dog Awards.
1062
00:40:26,041 --> 00:40:28,257
(barking on TV) Now that says Thanksgiving.
1063
00:40:28,259 --> 00:40:30,710
I hate to say it, but that bloodhound
1064
00:40:30,712 --> 00:40:32,629
could definitely benefit
from a juice cleanse.
1065
00:40:32,631 --> 00:40:34,430
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Whoa.
1066
00:40:34,432 --> 00:40:36,516
Yes, that is one portly puppy.
1067
00:40:36,911 --> 00:40:37,934
Mm.
1068
00:40:37,998 --> 00:40:40,231
Oh, here.
1069
00:40:42,443 --> 00:40:43,640
Here you go.
1070
00:40:43,829 --> 00:40:45,802
- No one likes a hot butt.
- (barking on TV)
1071
00:40:48,591 --> 00:40:49,845
Hmm.
1072
00:40:51,288 --> 00:40:53,590
Oh, my God, I can't
believe I'm eating again.
1073
00:40:53,615 --> 00:40:55,931
Yeah, I was gonna say,
speaking of portly puppies.
1074
00:40:56,020 --> 00:40:57,954
- Woof! Woof!
- That's not nice. That's not nice.
1075
00:40:57,956 --> 00:41:00,039
- Woof! Woof! Woof!
- You've lost your pillow privileges.
1076
00:41:00,041 --> 00:41:02,964
- Ooh, ooh, giant pillow!
- No! That's unfair!
1077
00:41:02,989 --> 00:41:04,293
(Greg laughing)
1078
00:41:04,404 --> 00:41:06,571
Oh.
1079
00:41:07,047 --> 00:41:10,883
No! Not Greg. Josh! Josh!
1080
00:41:10,885 --> 00:41:12,535
(sighs)
1081
00:41:12,537 --> 00:41:14,333
I worked so hard for nothing!
1082
00:41:15,489 --> 00:41:17,340
GIRL: Another story, Miss Rebecca.
1083
00:41:17,794 --> 00:41:20,309
'Twas the night of the
Dunster House Formal.
1084
00:41:20,513 --> 00:41:22,395
The place? Harvard.
1085
00:41:22,685 --> 00:41:25,380
The year? 2008.
1086
00:41:25,717 --> 00:41:27,483
I remember it specifically
1087
00:41:27,485 --> 00:41:29,185
because I had a Barack Obama bobble-head
1088
00:41:29,187 --> 00:41:30,486
perched on my nightstand.
1089
00:41:30,779 --> 00:41:32,221
And as I was being rhythmically trashed
1090
00:41:32,223 --> 00:41:34,884
by a junior visiting from
the Brown improv troupe,
1091
00:41:35,950 --> 00:41:37,777
the bobble-head nodded
up and down as if to say,
1092
00:41:37,779 --> 00:41:41,527
"Yes, yes, you have made
another terrible decision,
1093
00:41:41,552 --> 00:41:43,135
you silly, weak woman."
1094
00:41:43,160 --> 00:41:46,607
- (shrieking): Mommy!
- I was out of stories!
1095
00:41:46,632 --> 00:41:51,950
-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
1096
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:56,550
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