All language subtitles for Crashing s03e05 Mom and Kat.eng

This is it.
Is this your first club weekend?

Yeah, I've only done
one-nighters.

I miss you.

I'm in a comedy condo.

I feel like
I'm on witness protection.

Hey.
Are you working this weekend?

Yeah, I just saw the lineup.

We could've, you know,
come up together.

PETE: Yeah, I wish I had known.

-I'm actually
dating somebody now, so. -Cool.

PETE'S MOTHER: You wanna
make people happy, darling?

Remind them of your faith.

I'm six-foot-six.
I kind of look like Goliath

if he went to prep school.

Does that make sense?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

You gotta get up
when you can get up.

You gotta grind it.

I'm sorta considering
doing this Christian tour.

I meant--
I mean, real comedy.

Right.

Yeah, no, I'm not--I'm not
sure I'm gonna do it either.

("Cruel Summer"
playing over car stereo)

-? It's a cruel ?
-? Cruel ?

? Cruel summer ?

? Leaving me here on my own ?

-? It's a cruel ?
-? It's a cruel ?

? Cruel summer ?

Want some of this?

? ?

Okay, 18 minutes
until we get there.

I'm glad you're coming.

Me too, I'm excited to be
on tour with you.

-Yeah, buckle up.
-Yeah, we can get room service and do drugs.

(laughs)
It's a Christian tour,

and we're staying
with my parents.

-(laughs)
-So, no.

I'm just happy
to be with you.

Me, too. (sighs)

-Are you okay?
-I mean... yeah.

As okay as a guy who's
taking the first girlfriend since his divorce

home to his parents could be.

(chuckles)

That's the exit
for my high school.

(gasps)
Can we go?

-Seriously?
-Yeah.

Fire up the DeLorean,

we're going to 1997, baby.

Yeah!

? ?

-Kat: This is it?
-This is it.

Kat:
Oh, my God. Team Pete.

Pete:
It is so weird to be back here.

Kat:
I wish I had known you in high school.

Pete (laughs):
Yeah.

I don't think you
would've noticed me.

I was such
a stressed out kid.

My dad hadn't stopped
drinking yet, and...

nobody told me
I didn't have to carry all of my books to class...

-(Kat chuckles)
-...so I was like a little hunchback.

-Oh.
-I bet you were cooler.

Somebody
I'd be afraid to talk to.

No. I was a mess
in high school.

I was tall and gangly,
and I was on swim team,

so I smelled like
chlorine all the time.

And I was friends
with everybody,

but nobody actually knew me.

I would've talked to you.

Thank you.

This is big
for a high school.

Yeah.

It's like a campus.
It was bigger than my college.

And right here,
once a year,

we'd all do
"See You at the Pole."

What is that?

Once a year,
the Christian kids

would hold hands
around the flagpole and pray.

-Is that legal?
-I have no idea.

(chuckles)

Your school didn't have
"See You at the Pole?" It was a national thing.

No, we just bought drugs
by the pole.

(chuckles)

-Do you want
to pray right now? -No.

Although,
maybe we should.

High school Pete thinks
what grown-up Pete is doing

is very, very bad.

I don't think so.

I bet he would love it.

(chuckles)
I think you're right.

Just don't tell the booker
of the Good Faith Comedy Tour.

I think they think
they're booking high school Pete.

Kat:
Ooh, Sir Tanks-A-Lot.

Wait. Do I smell
like cigarettes?

(sniffs)

-A little bit.
-Uh-oh.

Well, I'll fix that.
I don't want them

getting the wrong
impression of me.

I always feel
like I'm ten.

I'm in a car
and I'm ten.

Now do I smell
like cigarettes?

(sniffs) You smell like
French cigarettes.

-(laughs)
-(phone chimes)

Red flower cigarettes.

Who's this?

Oh, um...

I was gonna tell you
about that.

It's, um...

Uh, it's just--
remember the weekend

that I worked in,
uh, New Jersey, at a club?

-Did you fuck this girl?
-No! God!

It's nothing--
It's not like that at all.

It's-it's-it's...
It's a friend.

It's, uh--
We're barely friends.

She's my--
You know, we dated,

-a while ago, and then, um...
-Okay, so it's someone that you used to fuck.

Um, hold on.

I know it sounds weird,
but it was just work.

It was-- That's somebody
I work with,

and we had a thing,
and that's over.

And I got to the condo,
and she was there.

Wait. You stayed
in the same condo together?

Kitty, I don't-- I...
I don't know what I--

-I don't know what I did.
-You don't know what you did?

-I was doing my job.
-What you did is you lied.

-I didn't lie. I didn't know.
-No, you omitted the truth.

I just, you know,
to find the right moment.

I didn't want to hurt
your feelings,

so I wanted to wait
for you to be

in the right mood
but not right before the move.

(crying):
I can't believe this.

Kat-- Kitty, no.

-Hold on.
Can we just-- -(sobbing)

Can we talk
about this later?

I-- I think
they saw the car.

(sniffles) Yeah, let's go
meet your parents.

Hold on.

Kitty, let's--

Hello!

Sweetie!

Oh, my best boy
in the whole world.

-Hello, Mom and Dad.
-Hi!

-You must be Kat.
-How are you?

-Pete: Good to see you.
-Oh, you're so tall!

You didn't tell me
she was so tall.

This is Kat.
Yep, she's tall.

It's so nice
to meet you both.

You have
such a beautiful home.

Stop it.
You should see it

when the begonias
are in bloom.

I'm so sorry
you came so late.

We just finished lasagna.

Oh, yeah. We, um,
we ate on the way, just a little bit.

Mr. Holmes, I've heard
so much about you.

Oh, please, call me Tom.

Mr. Holmes is my doctor.
It's just a coincidence.

(laughing)

(polka music playing
quietly in background)

So, Kath...

Um, it's Kat, Dad.

-Oh, sorry.
-Kat: Yeah, that's fine.

I thought it was
Kath like Kathy.

Kat:
No, it's just Kat.

I went to school
with a Kathy, Kathy Anstead.

She was Dutch.

-Oh, okay.
-Are you Dutch?

-No.
-Huh.

-Kat: Yeah.
-I am so glad my boy is back in town.

Thank you.
Thank you, Mama.

It's good to be home.

-(sniffs)
-Tom: Rita.

Give-- give the boy
a little space.

Oh, all right.

(chuckles)

Your skin is
like porcelain.

You must burn easily.

I do, I have to use
a lot of sunscreen.

Ah, smart.

I just did
ancestry.com.

Did you, um...
What did you get?

Oh, I didn't
get it back yet.

Oh, okay.

And here's Pete
with his brother John, who works with his dad.

-Isn't he a nut?
-He's so cute.

And this is Pete
on his mission to Uganda.

Look at him with braces.

Oh, yes.
Enough about us.

I want to hear about you.
Tell me about your family.

Uh, I have one big sister,
who's an engineer.

-Oh my!
-Yeah.

And your parents,
where do they live?

My mom is
outside of D.C.,

and my dad lives
in Scottsdale,

so they're divorced, yeah.

Aw, well...

Marriage is
a tough thing.

It's not fifty-fifty.

It's a hundred-a hundred.

Totally.

Is that the Easter Bunny?

Yes, it's a tradition.

-We recreate it every year.
-Oh, my God.

-Rita: Isn't he outrageous?
-Totally.

(laughs)

And that, of course,
is Pete's wedding day.

Oh.

She broke our hearts.

I'm gonna get you some fresh
towels and a scented pillowcase.

-Cool, thank you.
-Sure.

Tom:
Isn't she a beauty?

Yeah. Do you--
Do you canoe?

Oh, a fellow up
in Kennebunkport

owed me for a tank job,
and he gave me a deal.

He spent all summer
restoring it. It, uh...

Delivered it, too.

Isn't it smooth?

Dad...

Where is there water?

? ?

(ticking)

(knocking)

Sorry. I know
that was a lot.

Yeah, I could've used
some advance warning

about your mom's
lap-sitting policy.

Why?

(laughing)

Okay.

-I'm kidding, I know.
-Okay.

We... My mom was like
my best friend until I was...

twenty-two.

I get it. Like I had
a fucked up dynamic with my mom, too,

but we figured it out
and have worked through it.

It's hard to break away
when your parents are abusive, so...

She-- she's a lot,
but it's not--

I don't think it's abusive.

No, it is. That's called
"emotional incest,"

and it's really bad
for both of you,

and for your dad
who has to watch all of this.

(clears throat)

I'm really sorry
about New Jersey,

with Ali.

I don't even have
to think about it.

As soon as you said it,
I felt terrible.

And I'm really sorry,

and I love you.

I love you, too.

-Thank God.
-You got a little nervous there for a second.

Yeah.

Sleep good.

Can you just stay?

I want to.

I really want to sleep in this
haunted dollhouse with you.

-I really do.
-Yeah.

Just join me
in this nightmare room.

If you smell smoke,
it's the echoes of murder.

-I'm teasing.
-Stop it.

-Good night.
-I love you.

I love you.

Don't worry about church.

-Okay.
-It's a piece of cake.

You stand, you sing, you sit,
you listen, you pray.

Then we're at lunch.

Okay, sounds complicated.

-Piece of cake.
-I trust you.

-Okay.
-Okay, good night.

Okay, good night.

You'll be okay.

-It's not haunted.
-Okay.

Those clocks have
no batteries, but...

it's not haunted.

(laughing):
I haven't seen them move in years!

? Praise God, from whom
all blessings flow ?

? Praise Him, all creatures
here below ?

? Praise Him above,
ye heavenly host ?

? Praise Father, Son,
and Holy Ghost ?

? A... ?

? ...men ?

Please, be seated.

Yes, Lord!
We shout to you, Father God,

that you might hear our prayer.

And a reminder to continue
to lift up Ben and Whitney

at our sister church in Uganda,

as they continue
to struggle with dysentery.

And now at this time,
we invite you

to stand and greet
your neighbor.

You just-- you just
say hello.

-Oh my God.
-Just shake my hand.

-This is so scary.
-It's okay. Just look at me.

-Hi. Peace be with you.
-Hi. Thank you.

-You say, "And also with you."
-Do I have to?

-Absolutely not.
-Great.

Good luck.
Have fun.

-Hi. Blessed be the fruit.
-Woman: It's nice to see you.

Woman:
Peace be with you.

I love this cardigan on you.
It's a great color.

-Hi. Shabbat shalom.
-Oh, thank you.

"But whoever drinks
the water that I give them will never thirst.

"Indeed, the water I give them
will become in them..."

Living water.

"...a spring of water,
welling up to eternal life."

Now, what Jesus
is asking us, here,

is to see past
our own physical needs...

-Look past the problem.
-Shh!

...and live life
on the spiritual plane.

-In the world...
-But not of it.

...but not of it.

Shh.

-That wasn't so bad, right?
-It was okay.

Um, what's going on
with your dad?

-Is he losing his hearing?
-Yeah, we don't know.

-Oh, no.
-Come on, I want to show you off to the pastor.

Pete: Oh, um, sure.
I'm gonna grab a coffee. Do you want one?

We're fine, dear.

-You?
-Yeah.

Okay, see you in a second.

That was a lovely service,
wasn't it?

Yeah, it was beautiful.

The pastor certainly
has a way with words.

-Mm-hmm.
-He's done some acting, you know.

-Oh my gosh!
-Last year, he did the Sermon on the Mount

-from memory.
-Wow.

Are you excited
about the show tonight?

Oh, we're so excited.

I'm so glad the Lord is using
Peter's gift for His purpose.

He's always had a calling.

Yeah. I think this is gonna be
so good for his brand.

Like, this is his market.

Well, it's not his brand.
It's his heart.

He's found a path that falls
in line with his faith.

I think Peter's spirituality is
a little more fluid these days,

like mine.

Oh.

Were you raised in the church?

I wasn't raised
with anything formal, um...

But I just sort of believe
that God is in all of us.

You know, like...
we're all God in drag, you know?

It's just consciousness.

Like, I don't pray,

I just listen to the part
of me that is God.

So you think you're God?

Yeah, but I think
you're God, too.

Sweetheart, God is God.

The ocean is made of water,

but we're all made
of water, too.

Yeah...

but you're not the ocean.

The ocean is the ocean.

You're a human being.

I think we're saying
the same thing, just with different words.

-Oh.
-(chuckles)

Uh, I'm gonna go
get a coffee.

I'll be right back.

You sure
you don't want to come?

Massachusetts is at its least
depressing this time of year.

I'm good, uh,
it's been only a day,

and I've already heard
some of your dad's jokes twice, so...

Yeah, that's my dad.

If you come to lunch,
I guarantee,

he'll call ketchup
"Irish gravy."

Yeah, I already
heard that one.

-Really?
-Yes.

Have you heard
him say, "I don't

drink water,
fish make love in it?"

Heard 'em all.

It's W.C. Fields.
He stole it.

It's pretty good.

Also, this way, I can keep on
looking through your yearbook

and snoop around
your childhood bedroom.

You're not gonna find
anything good except

a pretty mild nursing bra
catalog in the top drawer.

Yum.

-We won't be long.
-Bye.

Asshole.

And I had a crush on her.

-(giggles)
-Have fun.

-Bye.
-Bye.

What are your three favorite
parks in Brooklyn, Peter?

I'd have to think
about that, Dad.

Isn't it beautiful?

It is.

It's really nice
to be back, Mama.

Oh.

How are, uh...
How are you and Dad doing?

Oh, your father is
a pain in the neck.

He's always there.

He doesn't listen.

We don't talk like
you and I do.

I wish you'd come
home more often.

I'm only happy
when you're here.

I'm here now.

-Oh my gosh.
-Look at that haircut.

Isn't that outrageous?

Isn't Kat great?

Yes, she's lovely.

Yeah, it's...

really important to me
that you like her, you know?

-Mm. I do.
-Really important. Yeah.

She's certainly her
own person, isn't she?

What does that mean?

Petey, I don't want
to be discouraging.

No, I want to know.
I want to know what you think.

It's just us.

Well, I'm sure she's fun
for a good time and all.

-And she's very exciting.
-Mom.

She has a very interesting
take on how the world works.

She didn't grow up
in an evangelical super church.

Is that what you mean?

I mean she's a little
New Age for me.

That's just
very popular right now.

She read
some Deepak Chopra.

She has
an Eckhart Tolle calender.

She reads me the quotes.
He quotes Jesus all the time.

-Oh.
-It's not as far out as you might think.

-So she's deep?
-Pak Chopra.

(laughing)

She's just not
as sweet as my Petey.

Rita! Squirrels!

I'm sorry about him.

So am I.

I'll try
with this new girl.

Would you?

You guys are weirdos.
You know that, right?

We're not a normal family.

No, I know.

? ?

Is-- is this
for the performers?

My cup runneth over, huh?

Yeah, this is
a crazy spread.

I've never seen
anything like it.

I'm Pete, by the way.
I'm a comic.

Oh, me too. Fudge.

-Fudge?
-Yeah.

That's--
that's not your name?

No, no.
My real name is John,

but Fudge is
an acronym I go by--

Funny Unique Devoted
Gentleman Entertainer.

Yeah, based on just
this brief interaction,

I think you're very fudgy.

(laughing)
Thank you.

I didn't see you
at the last show.

Ah, yeah, man,
I was on the road.

-Oh.
-Yeah, I do clubs, too.

You know, I was
in Utah, Disney.

-Disney?
-Disney.

-You did stand-up comedy
at Disney? -In Disney, yeah.

That's incredible!
They let you in the park for free?

Yeah, and after hours, too.

You get this tour
when nobody's there, man.

-It's awesome. Yeah.
-Get out.

Word of advice:
Don't follow the ventriloquist.

'Cause a ventriloquist
can say whatever he wants

'cause the audience thinks
the dummy don't have a soul.

-Is that true?
-It's true.

All right, guys,
let's circle up.

All right, let's...

Dear Heavenly Father,
thank you so much for the opportunity

to perform this evening,
and we pray that we'd all perform our personal best.

And we pray all this
in the mighty name of Jesus.

-And all God's people said?
-All: Amen.

All righty.
Let's have a great show.

(playing bluegrass melody)

? I heard about a man one day ?

? Who wasted not his time away ?

? He prayed to God
every morning, noon, and night ?

? He cared not for
the king's decree ?

? He prayed to God
every morning, noon, and night ?

Have you been smoking?

No, someone was smoking
in the bathroom.

In church?

Yeah, I thought
it was weird, too.

? He prayed to God
every morning, noon, and night ?

? I sing because I'm free ?

? His eye is on the sparrow ?

? And I know he watches ?

This molding is
incredible.

? Me ?

(cheering, whistling)

This guy tells me he's
taking over to the point

where I hope Heaven got WiFi.

(laughter)

But think about it.
Really think about it.

Heaven should have WiFi,
you know what I'm saying?

They got unlimited cloud space.

(laughter)

There's a terabyte right here,
know what I'm saying?

Look at that terabyte,
know what I'm saying?

Think about it,
Heaven should have WiFi,

'cause I know Hell got a lot
of hot spots, and then, uh...

(laughter and applause)

They ain't gonna be worrying
about reception down there.

They gonna be on Snaptchat
and Instagram talking about

hashtag-burning.

(laughter and applause)

I love all of the miracles.

I love that Jesus raised
Lazarus from the dead.

That's a big one.

Do you think there's even
a small chance that Lazarus

didn't want to be
raised from the dead?

(laughter)

Like, nobody asked Lazarus.

He was dead.

So his family--

family, you can't trust family.

The family assumed
he didn't want to be dead.

Maybe Lazarus wanted to be dead.

Can you imagine if Jesus raised
him, and Lazarus came up like,

(inhales)
"Oh, man!"

(laughter)

"This again?

I was just in Heaven.
You were there."

(laughter)

"The deposit on my funeral
was non-refundable."

(laughter)

"I was gonna break up
with my girlfriend.

Now I have to do it."

(laughter and applause)

My goodness, seeing you
on that stage with the cross,

you just looked
so right at home.

You were so great.

Wasn't it a great show?
Everybody's so good.

-You were the best part.
-Oh, you must be so proud.

-She's adorable.
-Oh, thank you.

And this here is my baby.

Can you believe
this came out of me?

Oh. Have a good evening.

-Good night.
-You were so awesome.

Are we, uh, gonna get dinner?

Yes, Carol's working at Legal.
We have an 8:30 reservation.

-Great.
-Peter...

What do you think is the most
important trait for a performer?

Confidence?

-I don't know, Dad.
-I think it's confidence.

FDR, he had confidence.

Right. Yeah. No,
he's one of the greats.

You're saying that
I need to put on a bra?

Oh, hold on, Dad.

Rita:
The way you're dressed is very distracting.

Hold on.
What are you doing?

She just told me
to put on a bra.

Well, are you
wearing a bra?

-Is that your business?
-Mom!

It's my business when you're
sitting next to me in church.

It's not church,
it's a comedy show.

In a church!

-Mom.
-Peter!

She made your father
feel very uncomfortable.

Really? Dad complained about
my girlfriend wearing a bra?

No, I could feel how
uncomfortable he was,

and every man in there.

Jesus, Mom! How is that
supposed to make her feel?

-Peter, watch your mouth!
-No!

Well, what if--
what if her parents

told me that my pants
are too tight,

that they can see my cock?

-Peter!
-It's okay.

No, it's not okay!

We're not-- we're out of here.
We're going.

-Rita: Where are you going?
-We're not coming.

Enjoy your haddock.

-Peter...
-Let him go, Rita.

He'll be okay.

? ?

(Tom snoring)

(door opens)

Hey.

Get in here.

Okay.

(Tom snoring)

(sighing)

(moaning and heavy breathing)

(bed creaking)

Kat:
Oh God.

-(moaning loudly)
-(bed creaking)

? I beez in the trap,
be-beez in the trap ?

? I beez in the trap,
be-beez in the trap ?

Oh, Pete!

? Got a new LS 450 ?

? Ain't no keys
in this doohicky ?

? If I weren't rappin'
I'd be trappin' ?

? If I weren't trappin'
I'd be pimpin' ?

? If I weren't pimpin'
I'd be gettin' it, period ?

? I beez in the trap,
be-beez in the trap ?

? I beez in the trap,
be-beez in the trap ?

? ?

(alarm chiming)

Morning.

Morning.

She was faking it, you know.

A mother knows.

Good morning.

-Hey.
-Hey.

Ooh, I'm starving.

Me, too.

Yum.

Mmm, so good.

Rita:
But cold.

I don't mind.

Yum.

? I want to break free ?

? I want to break free ?

? I want to break free
from your lies ?

? You're so self-satisfied,
I don't need you ?

? I've got to break free ?

? God knows ?

? God knows
I want to break free ?

? But life still goes on ?

? I can't get used to
living without, living without ?

? Living without you
by my side ?

? I don't want to live alone ?

? Hey ?

? God knows ?

? Got to make it on my own ?

? So, baby, can't you see ?

? I've got to break free ?

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