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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,210 --> 00:00:04,418 -Hey. -Whoa! Petey. 2 00:00:04,502 --> 00:00:05,877 -What's going on? -What's up, buddy? 3 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:08,210 -Bac from the-- back from the college tour, right? -Yeah! 4 00:00:08,293 --> 00:00:10,210 Hey. I'm, uh-- I'm back. 5 00:00:10,585 --> 00:00:11,752 I don't care. 6 00:00:12,418 --> 00:00:13,377 ALI: My boyfriend and I, 7 00:00:13,627 --> 00:00:16,085 we just took our relationship to the next level. 8 00:00:16,168 --> 00:00:17,001 We broke up. 9 00:00:17,335 --> 00:00:18,627 JASON: Women, you don't have to shave entirely. 10 00:00:18,710 --> 00:00:21,126 Otherwise, it just feels like another part of the thigh. 11 00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:22,835 If I'm going into a rough neighborhood, 12 00:00:22,919 --> 00:00:24,460 -I wanna know it. -Oh, boy. 13 00:00:24,543 --> 00:00:25,794 -Hey, hey. -Yeah? 14 00:00:25,877 --> 00:00:28,085 I think women are f-- funny. 15 00:00:28,168 --> 00:00:29,335 Spread the word. 16 00:00:29,418 --> 00:00:30,377 What am I doing wrong? 17 00:00:30,710 --> 00:00:33,168 No one in here knows that you are the next Kevin Hart. 18 00:00:33,251 --> 00:00:34,543 I'm not the next Kevin Hart. 19 00:00:34,627 --> 00:00:36,585 Kevin Hart is Kevin Hart. We have a Kevin Hart. 20 00:00:36,669 --> 00:00:38,502 He's... perfect for the part. 21 00:00:39,001 --> 00:00:41,126 I'm just a... I'm a club guy. 22 00:00:55,251 --> 00:00:56,752 Shouldn't we hustle? 23 00:00:56,835 --> 00:00:58,418 Show's at eight. There might be traffic. 24 00:00:58,502 --> 00:01:01,126 Easy, Pete. There's no show without us. 25 00:01:01,210 --> 00:01:02,877 That starts on the way down, baby. 26 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,543 It's an attitude. You gotta... 27 00:01:04,627 --> 00:01:06,710 You gotta own this thing, you know? 28 00:01:06,794 --> 00:01:08,210 Pete... 29 00:01:08,293 --> 00:01:09,960 the middle act drives. 30 00:01:10,043 --> 00:01:12,377 Didn't I tell you that? The middle act drives, baby. 31 00:01:12,460 --> 00:01:14,585 -Come on. -Okay. 32 00:01:14,669 --> 00:01:17,377 When I was starting out, I drove Jay Mohr. 33 00:01:17,460 --> 00:01:20,752 Had to listen to "Who Let the Dogs Out?" 17 times. 34 00:01:20,835 --> 00:01:22,418 The guy was obsessed. 35 00:01:22,502 --> 00:01:24,710 Never let them see you sweat, Petey. 36 00:01:24,794 --> 00:01:26,543 You're gonna be doing this for years. 37 00:01:26,627 --> 00:01:28,585 You gotta learn to relax a little bit. 38 00:01:28,669 --> 00:01:30,293 Yeah, yeah. No, I... 39 00:01:30,377 --> 00:01:32,293 I wasn't really sure what to do next, 40 00:01:32,377 --> 00:01:34,669 but I'm kind of saying yes to everything. 41 00:01:34,752 --> 00:01:36,418 That's good, man. That's what you gotta do. 42 00:01:36,502 --> 00:01:38,669 You gotta get up when you can get up. You gotta grind it. 43 00:01:38,752 --> 00:01:41,001 That's my thinking. I'm even, you know, 44 00:01:41,085 --> 00:01:44,669 sort of considering doing this, um, Christian tour. 45 00:01:45,502 --> 00:01:47,502 I mean, it's not... it's not a certain thing. 46 00:01:47,585 --> 00:01:49,418 They just-- I did a show at a temple. 47 00:01:49,502 --> 00:01:51,669 A woman said, "I think you'd be good for the religious market," 48 00:01:51,752 --> 00:01:54,502 -so I have an offer, but... -Fuck that! 49 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,669 Pete, I meant-- 50 00:01:57,752 --> 00:01:59,835 When I said everything, I didn't mean everything. 51 00:01:59,919 --> 00:02:01,085 I mean real comedy. 52 00:02:01,168 --> 00:02:04,210 Real. Not some fucking whacked-out Jesus shit. 53 00:02:04,293 --> 00:02:05,960 Right. 54 00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:08,460 Yeah, no. I'm not sure I'm gonna do it, either. 55 00:02:08,543 --> 00:02:09,877 Good. 56 00:02:10,794 --> 00:02:12,293 You gonna buckle up? 57 00:02:12,377 --> 00:02:14,752 (sighs) 58 00:02:14,835 --> 00:02:17,752 You know, the statistics are in. 59 00:02:18,752 --> 00:02:19,794 Come on. 60 00:02:19,877 --> 00:02:23,710 (heavy metal blaring on stereo) 61 00:02:24,835 --> 00:02:26,543 Let's roll, Petey! 62 00:02:34,502 --> 00:02:39,126 ♪ Can the pestilence within you be bled out? ♪ 63 00:02:39,210 --> 00:02:44,418 ♪ May I have the honor of this amputation? ♪ 64 00:02:44,502 --> 00:02:46,710 ♪ Know that you have made an enemy ♪ 65 00:02:46,794 --> 00:02:49,669 ♪ To show you the meaning of indignity ♪ 66 00:02:49,752 --> 00:02:53,835 ♪ I live now solely for the pleasure of your slow decay ♪ 67 00:02:53,919 --> 00:02:56,835 -(music stops) -Jason: Oh! Hi-yah! 68 00:02:56,919 --> 00:02:59,043 Whoa. Whoa. 69 00:03:00,210 --> 00:03:02,001 This is it? 70 00:03:02,085 --> 00:03:03,168 This is it. 71 00:03:03,251 --> 00:03:04,960 What do you mean, "This is it?" 72 00:03:05,043 --> 00:03:07,168 You never stayed at the Comedy Club condo before? 73 00:03:07,251 --> 00:03:08,543 No. 74 00:03:08,627 --> 00:03:11,585 Is this your first club weekend, your first full weekend? 75 00:03:11,669 --> 00:03:14,251 Yeah, I've only done one-nighters, colleges. 76 00:03:14,335 --> 00:03:16,168 You are gonna love this here, man. 77 00:03:16,251 --> 00:03:18,960 This is not like the city, where they have a bunch of entertainment options 78 00:03:19,043 --> 00:03:20,835 and nobody really cares that you're there. 79 00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:24,126 Here, they're grateful you just showed up. 80 00:03:25,085 --> 00:03:27,335 Get ready, baby. This is it. 81 00:03:27,418 --> 00:03:29,043 Do you like waitresses, Pete? 82 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:32,960 Uh, yeah, I like when they call me "Hon." That's fun. 83 00:03:33,043 --> 00:03:34,710 What the hell are you talking about, Pete? 84 00:03:34,794 --> 00:03:37,460 Why would you ever get into comedy if you don't want to bang waitresses? 85 00:03:40,043 --> 00:03:42,669 Wow. It's like an assassin's hideout. 86 00:03:42,752 --> 00:03:46,210 This is a hot scene, baby. I've got good memories here, believe me. 87 00:03:46,293 --> 00:03:48,919 -Look who it is. -Ali: Ah! 88 00:03:49,001 --> 00:03:52,627 -Al. Hey. -Hey. 89 00:03:53,543 --> 00:03:56,043 What are you-- Are you working this weekend? 90 00:03:56,126 --> 00:03:57,418 Yeah. 91 00:03:57,502 --> 00:03:59,669 I mean, yeah, I just saw the lineup. 92 00:03:59,752 --> 00:04:03,794 -We could have, you know, come up together. -Yeah, I wish I had known. 93 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:06,543 Hey, guys, let's get some ground rules down, huh? Road shit. 94 00:04:06,627 --> 00:04:09,460 I sleep all day, so keep it down before four p.m., 95 00:04:09,543 --> 00:04:11,168 unless, of course, I'm still sleeping. 96 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,627 Also, if you eat some of my food, I will eat all of your food. 97 00:04:14,710 --> 00:04:17,960 That is the Chicago way. Connery, Untouchables . 98 00:04:18,043 --> 00:04:19,710 I'm gonna go take a nap. 99 00:04:19,794 --> 00:04:23,460 If you hear any noises, I'm doing push-ups. 100 00:04:23,543 --> 00:04:25,752 (as Andrew Dice Clay): Oh! 101 00:04:25,835 --> 00:04:27,919 (both laugh) 102 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,502 Wow. 103 00:04:30,543 --> 00:04:34,126 -That, uh, that must have been a fun commute. -Yeah. 104 00:04:34,210 --> 00:04:36,251 Did he bring a book of CDs with him? 105 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:40,168 No, but he did think Spotify is a laundry app. 106 00:04:40,502 --> 00:04:42,335 Who-- 107 00:04:42,418 --> 00:04:44,960 -I don't know. -So many feelings, so many thoughts. 108 00:04:45,043 --> 00:04:47,335 -Yeah. -(sighs) 109 00:04:50,001 --> 00:04:54,293 I'm surprised to, you know, see you in deep Jersey. 110 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,460 Yeah, I, um... 111 00:04:56,543 --> 00:05:00,835 -I'm still running that, that late-night set. -Oh, right. 112 00:05:00,919 --> 00:05:04,585 Yeah, I was working on it in the city, but I just 113 00:05:04,669 --> 00:05:07,543 kind of felt like I needed to get a new read on it. 114 00:05:07,627 --> 00:05:09,210 -Oh, absolutely. -Yeah. 115 00:05:09,293 --> 00:05:12,126 -You gotta make sure it works for, you know, real people. -Yeah. 116 00:05:12,210 --> 00:05:14,627 -Uh, how are you? -I'm good. 117 00:05:14,710 --> 00:05:16,502 Good, good, good. 118 00:05:16,585 --> 00:05:19,502 I started, um... I'm actually dating somebody now, 119 00:05:19,585 --> 00:05:21,627 so that's... that's nice. 120 00:05:21,710 --> 00:05:23,627 -Cool. -Very nice. 121 00:05:23,710 --> 00:05:26,877 Yeah. Kat, her name's Kat. Kitty. 122 00:05:27,877 --> 00:05:30,543 -How's it going? -It's great. 123 00:05:30,627 --> 00:05:32,460 -Yeah? -Yeah, it's going really great. 124 00:05:32,543 --> 00:05:35,794 It's actually going so well, the only thing I worry about is how well it's going. 125 00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,418 (chuckles) 126 00:05:37,502 --> 00:05:41,168 -Glad you could still find a way to worry about it. -Oh yeah. 127 00:05:41,251 --> 00:05:43,502 -(Ali laughs) -That's my specialty. 128 00:05:43,585 --> 00:05:46,377 -I'm like Anxiety MacGyver. -Mm. 129 00:05:46,460 --> 00:05:49,168 I can make a bomb out of even a good thing. 130 00:05:49,251 --> 00:05:51,168 Mm-hmm. 131 00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:53,835 Oh! Fun fact. 132 00:05:53,919 --> 00:05:55,669 There's a lot of cheese in the fridge. 133 00:05:55,752 --> 00:05:59,794 Like, whoever was here before just left all the cheese. 134 00:05:59,877 --> 00:06:01,335 Great, I'm starving. 135 00:06:01,418 --> 00:06:03,460 (laughs) Are you seriously gonna eat the cheese? 136 00:06:03,543 --> 00:06:06,085 -No! -(laughing): I really thought you were! 137 00:06:06,168 --> 00:06:09,669 I do not want to eat Pablo Francisco's cheese. 138 00:06:09,752 --> 00:06:12,919 (pop music playing over PA) 139 00:06:24,126 --> 00:06:25,460 You know they got a go-kart track 140 00:06:25,543 --> 00:06:27,794 on the second floor of this mall, Pete? 141 00:06:27,877 --> 00:06:28,960 Maybe we'll go. 142 00:06:29,043 --> 00:06:31,168 -Can I help you? -What's up, man? 143 00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:34,710 -Can I help you? -Yeah, sure. I'm the headliner. 144 00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:37,126 I, uh, I'm the guy. 145 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,335 Okay, what's your name? 146 00:06:41,126 --> 00:06:43,543 Serious? My-- Jason Webber, I'm on the marquee. 147 00:06:43,627 --> 00:06:46,126 I got a big fucking poster out front. 148 00:06:46,210 --> 00:06:48,752 I have Jason Webber at the front entrance. 149 00:06:48,835 --> 00:06:50,418 Have you seen the poster? 150 00:06:50,502 --> 00:06:52,835 Let me do the poster for him. 151 00:06:52,919 --> 00:06:54,085 Ali: Mm. 152 00:06:55,460 --> 00:06:57,043 That's the face he does on his poster. 153 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,752 -I do it right there on the poster. -Do it again. 154 00:06:58,835 --> 00:07:00,418 -Watch this. -Look at this. 155 00:07:00,502 --> 00:07:01,627 That's-- See? 156 00:07:01,710 --> 00:07:04,710 Sorry, man, I'm not a comedy fan. 157 00:07:04,794 --> 00:07:07,085 -Follow me. -(Pete sighs) 158 00:07:07,168 --> 00:07:08,585 Okay. 159 00:07:08,669 --> 00:07:11,251 (rock music playing) 160 00:07:11,335 --> 00:07:12,543 Here you go. 161 00:07:13,502 --> 00:07:15,669 Okay, okay. 162 00:07:16,460 --> 00:07:18,251 Nice. 163 00:07:18,335 --> 00:07:19,877 It smells like leather. 164 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,585 Hey. Hi. Hello. 165 00:07:21,669 --> 00:07:24,293 -I'm Gavin. I'm the club manager. -Ali: Hey. 166 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:27,335 Now, you met Steve. Deborah's gonna be taking care of you. 167 00:07:27,418 --> 00:07:28,877 What happened to Richie? 168 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,960 Remember Richie? Richie was a great guy. 169 00:07:31,043 --> 00:07:33,126 I'm sorry, I don't know Richie. I don't have any idea 170 00:07:33,210 --> 00:07:35,377 what occurred here before the club was acquired. 171 00:07:35,460 --> 00:07:37,627 The guy was a blast, a lunatic, but a great guy. 172 00:07:37,710 --> 00:07:40,627 He used to keep his gun on the desk when we settled up. 173 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:42,126 -Yeah, hold on. -It was a bit. 174 00:07:42,210 --> 00:07:45,168 Uh-huh. No. Yeah. 175 00:07:45,251 --> 00:07:47,293 Right, it's a boneless wing. 176 00:07:47,377 --> 00:07:49,669 Right. But no, it's a wing. 177 00:07:49,752 --> 00:07:52,377 Right, so if you're looking for it alphabetically, it'll be under W. 178 00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:55,335 Okay, I've got the running order here. 179 00:07:55,418 --> 00:07:57,835 -Ali, you're hosting. It's ten. -Yeah. 180 00:07:57,919 --> 00:08:00,460 We need, you know, big energy, bright. 181 00:08:00,543 --> 00:08:01,794 Okay. Yeah. 182 00:08:01,877 --> 00:08:03,710 I'm just running a late-night set, so that's fine. 183 00:08:03,794 --> 00:08:06,460 And here are the announcements. Please read all of them. 184 00:08:06,543 --> 00:08:08,210 A lot of info on there: social media, 185 00:08:08,293 --> 00:08:11,126 drink specials, upcoming events. Even a couple jokes on there. 186 00:08:11,210 --> 00:08:13,960 Oh, you wrote... You guys wrote jokes for me to say? 187 00:08:14,043 --> 00:08:15,669 Yeah, just to make it easy on you. 188 00:08:15,752 --> 00:08:17,794 Oh, that's really helpful. Thank you. 189 00:08:17,877 --> 00:08:19,585 Please read those verbatim. They do work. 190 00:08:19,669 --> 00:08:20,960 Cool. 191 00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:22,543 -All right, Pete. -Yes. 192 00:08:22,627 --> 00:08:24,960 -You're our middle. You'll do 25. -Right on. 193 00:08:25,043 --> 00:08:27,794 And you do 45. Please keep to time. 194 00:08:27,877 --> 00:08:30,794 There's a red countdown clock right at your feet. You can't miss it. 195 00:08:30,877 --> 00:08:34,085 Not a problem. 45, tight as a drum, wall-to-wall laughs. 196 00:08:34,168 --> 00:08:37,377 I'm not prepping some late-night set that nobody's gonna see. 197 00:08:40,585 --> 00:08:42,001 -Okay. -Ali: Okay. 198 00:08:42,085 --> 00:08:43,335 (door closes) 199 00:08:43,418 --> 00:08:45,418 Kid runs a tight ship. 200 00:08:45,502 --> 00:08:48,502 -Dude, what the fuck was that? -What? 201 00:08:48,585 --> 00:08:52,752 Are you that insecure you have to tear me down in front of the manager? 202 00:08:53,460 --> 00:08:54,794 Tear you... 203 00:08:54,877 --> 00:08:57,835 Oh, sorry, Ms. Seth Myers. 204 00:08:57,919 --> 00:09:00,335 You know, listen, I wasn't talking about 205 00:09:00,418 --> 00:09:03,001 your set specifically. I'm talking about all of it. 206 00:09:03,085 --> 00:09:05,460 -Mm. -It's all bullshit. 207 00:09:05,543 --> 00:09:08,293 If you were doing late-night, you wouldn't think it was bullshit. 208 00:09:08,377 --> 00:09:11,293 Let me tell you something. Late-night died with Letterman. 209 00:09:11,377 --> 00:09:13,460 Late-night sets are now just YouTube videos 210 00:09:13,543 --> 00:09:16,210 with the Hyundai commercials you can't fucking skip. 211 00:09:16,293 --> 00:09:19,043 That's what it is. Nobody watches this shit anymore. 212 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:20,919 -Mm-hmm. -There's a billion fucking channels. 213 00:09:21,001 --> 00:09:24,835 -Nobody sees it. -Okay, all right. Whatever. 214 00:09:24,919 --> 00:09:26,293 (scoffs) 215 00:09:27,794 --> 00:09:29,377 (scoffs) 216 00:09:29,460 --> 00:09:31,627 (whispers): "Whatever." 217 00:09:32,794 --> 00:09:35,001 -(audience chattering) -("Love Shack" melody playing) 218 00:09:35,085 --> 00:09:37,043 ♪ The Chuckle Shack is... ♪ 219 00:09:37,126 --> 00:09:39,543 Announcer: All right, Chuckle Shack. 220 00:09:39,627 --> 00:09:41,960 Are we ready for a great show tonight? 221 00:09:42,043 --> 00:09:43,418 (cheering, whistling) 222 00:09:43,502 --> 00:09:46,835 Your host tonight is a very funny and talented comedienne. 223 00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:49,377 Please give it up for the lovely and talented 224 00:09:49,460 --> 00:09:51,919 Ali Reissen! 225 00:09:52,001 --> 00:09:54,126 (cheering) 226 00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:00,752 Hello. How are you guys? 227 00:10:00,835 --> 00:10:03,752 -(cheers) -Yeah? Okay. 228 00:10:03,835 --> 00:10:06,919 -Clap it up for yourselves... -(applause) 229 00:10:07,001 --> 00:10:09,085 ...and these wonderful high ceilings. 230 00:10:09,168 --> 00:10:11,877 It's so great to be here. Oh, my God! 231 00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:15,418 I have to say, of all the clubs I've done in New Jersey 232 00:10:15,502 --> 00:10:17,418 between a Chipotle and a Target, 233 00:10:17,502 --> 00:10:20,752 this is the one I'm doing right now. 234 00:10:20,835 --> 00:10:23,043 (laughter) 235 00:10:23,126 --> 00:10:26,126 I was told I have to do some of these announcements, 236 00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:27,960 so, um, here we go. 237 00:10:28,043 --> 00:10:31,085 You can find the Chuckle Shack on social media. 238 00:10:31,168 --> 00:10:33,960 -You guys have social media? Yeah! -Yeah! 239 00:10:34,043 --> 00:10:35,835 They are @TheChuckleShackComedy 240 00:10:35,919 --> 00:10:38,794 on Twitter, on Facebook, on Instagram, on Snapchat. 241 00:10:38,877 --> 00:10:40,794 Okay, it's shocking they have a Snapchat. 242 00:10:40,877 --> 00:10:43,460 Um, every Sunday this month at one p.m. 243 00:10:43,543 --> 00:10:46,418 there's something called Two-Milk Minimum. 244 00:10:46,502 --> 00:10:48,210 It's family friendly comedy. 245 00:10:48,293 --> 00:10:50,960 The show is so funny, you'll laugh till you squirt... 246 00:10:51,043 --> 00:10:54,835 -(scattered laughter) -...milk out of your nose. 247 00:10:54,919 --> 00:10:58,377 It's actually real. That's actually written here for me to say. 248 00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:03,627 All right, guys. Well, it's so cool to be here. 249 00:11:03,710 --> 00:11:05,377 I actually have some exciting news. 250 00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:08,377 I am doing stand-up on television next week 251 00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,168 -on Seth Myers. Yeah. -(cheering) 252 00:11:10,251 --> 00:11:12,710 Would it be okay if I ran my set for you guys? 253 00:11:12,794 --> 00:11:16,502 -(cheers and applause) -Okay, awesome. I'm just gonna get into it. 254 00:11:16,585 --> 00:11:19,085 Okay, here we go. I'm gonna do the whole... 255 00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,293 Hey, guys. Great to be here. 256 00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,251 (cheers, applause) 257 00:11:26,669 --> 00:11:28,627 Oh, my God. My name is Ali, 258 00:11:28,710 --> 00:11:31,377 which is short for Allison. 259 00:11:31,460 --> 00:11:34,502 Allison sounds way more sophisticated, right? 260 00:11:34,585 --> 00:11:37,835 Like, Allison could win a Pulitzer Prize. 261 00:11:37,919 --> 00:11:39,960 Ali could win a free Blooming Onion 262 00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:41,794 for taking a tit out at Applebee's. 263 00:11:41,877 --> 00:11:45,001 You know what I mean? It's a different... 264 00:11:45,085 --> 00:11:46,502 It's a different vibe. 265 00:11:46,585 --> 00:11:48,210 -(Ali continues over TV) -(Pete laughing) 266 00:11:48,293 --> 00:11:49,794 Oh, stop. 267 00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,502 She's doing good. 268 00:11:51,585 --> 00:11:55,168 -If you're into that, I guess. -I am. 269 00:11:56,543 --> 00:11:58,126 Hey, guys. I'm Deborah. 270 00:11:58,210 --> 00:11:59,669 I'm gonna be your server tonight. 271 00:11:59,752 --> 00:12:01,210 Can I get you anything right now? 272 00:12:01,293 --> 00:12:06,543 Oh, yeah. Can I please have the Cedric the Enchilada? 273 00:12:06,627 --> 00:12:08,710 Amazing. And for you? 274 00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:11,085 I'll have a couple of Heinekens and a shot, whiskey. 275 00:12:11,168 --> 00:12:12,710 -Okay. -Pete, whiskey? 276 00:12:12,794 --> 00:12:16,043 -No, I-- No. -No? 277 00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:18,543 I... I got to go up. 278 00:12:18,627 --> 00:12:21,460 (scoffs) I'm traveling with Paddington Bear, 279 00:12:21,543 --> 00:12:22,710 I apologize. Uh... 280 00:12:22,794 --> 00:12:24,251 Okay, so couple of Heinekens and a shot. 281 00:12:24,335 --> 00:12:25,794 Can I get you a shot? Shot of whiskey? 282 00:12:25,877 --> 00:12:29,126 Oh, no, I can't drink while I'm working the tablet. 283 00:12:29,210 --> 00:12:30,835 It starts to get all blurry. 284 00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:34,126 -Blurry tablet, okay. Um... -Yeah. 285 00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:36,001 -All right, I'll, uh-- -So a shot for you? 286 00:12:36,085 --> 00:12:37,210 Yeah, just a shot for me. 287 00:12:37,293 --> 00:12:38,418 -Okay, thanks. -Yeah. 288 00:12:38,502 --> 00:12:40,752 Oh, if you could chill it, please. 289 00:12:40,835 --> 00:12:43,168 -Perfect. Bye, guys. -Thanks, Deborah. 290 00:12:44,669 --> 00:12:46,960 Ah... 291 00:12:47,043 --> 00:12:48,960 How 'bout that? 292 00:12:49,043 --> 00:12:51,168 Pays to be the headliner, huh, Pete? 293 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:54,919 (laughter) 294 00:12:55,001 --> 00:12:57,210 I don't like it. I don't like the museum. 295 00:12:57,293 --> 00:12:59,543 It's boring. I don't want to go. 296 00:12:59,627 --> 00:13:02,919 When I'm at the museum, I'm not looking at paintings to appreciate them. 297 00:13:03,001 --> 00:13:09,085 I'm staring at the painting, trying to figure out how long is appropriate to look at it, 298 00:13:09,168 --> 00:13:11,794 so when I walk away, the other people in the room aren't like, 299 00:13:11,877 --> 00:13:14,960 -"Well, he didn't get it at all." -(laughter) 300 00:13:15,043 --> 00:13:17,335 So I make a real serious face. I'm like, "Mm-mm. 301 00:13:17,418 --> 00:13:20,418 Look at the brush strokes. Oh, yeah." 302 00:13:20,502 --> 00:13:23,835 But in my head I'm just like, ♪ Honey Nut Cheerios! ♪ 303 00:13:23,919 --> 00:13:25,335 (laughter) 304 00:13:25,418 --> 00:13:28,543 ♪ Have 'em for breakfast or lunch, you decide! ♪ 305 00:13:28,627 --> 00:13:30,043 It's not even a real song. 306 00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:33,293 Give it up for Jason Webber! 307 00:13:33,377 --> 00:13:35,251 (cheering, applauding) 308 00:13:35,335 --> 00:13:38,001 (rock music playing) 309 00:13:44,919 --> 00:13:47,960 All right! What's up, fucker? 310 00:13:48,043 --> 00:13:50,502 -(cheering) -I don't know. Listen. 311 00:13:50,585 --> 00:13:54,794 Sometimes stereotypes are just kind of a reality, you know? 312 00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:59,335 So, that's not racism, you know? It's pattern recognition. 313 00:13:59,418 --> 00:14:03,335 I mean, if you want to go see a film in a quiet theater, 314 00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:07,794 steer clear of Harlem, you know what I mean? 315 00:14:07,877 --> 00:14:10,001 We're all a little bit racist, right? 316 00:14:10,085 --> 00:14:14,835 I mean, who hasn't walked onto an airplane, seen a Chinese pilot 317 00:14:14,919 --> 00:14:18,335 and thought, "I'm gonna buckle up a little bit tighter." 318 00:14:18,418 --> 00:14:21,335 -(scattered laughter) -What do you want from me? 319 00:14:21,418 --> 00:14:24,877 I mean, I don't know how to be a man sometimes, right? 320 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,251 I mean, I'm not sure how to approach a woman, 321 00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,335 how to approach a girl, you know? 322 00:14:30,418 --> 00:14:33,835 We live in a time where, uh, you know, we're all on thin ice. 323 00:14:33,919 --> 00:14:35,752 I mean, I don't know-- I don't know how-- 324 00:14:35,835 --> 00:14:37,502 What am I supposed to say, right? 325 00:14:37,585 --> 00:14:40,418 I mean, what's more creepy 326 00:14:40,502 --> 00:14:43,669 than asking a girl whether or not you can kiss her? 327 00:14:43,752 --> 00:14:46,293 "Hey, do you mind if I, um... 328 00:14:46,377 --> 00:14:48,585 -"I mean, I just wanna... -(laughter) 329 00:14:48,669 --> 00:14:50,543 "I'd like to take this... 330 00:14:50,627 --> 00:14:53,585 "this one and this one and... uhh, uhh. 331 00:14:53,669 --> 00:14:54,960 Could I... uhh!" 332 00:14:55,043 --> 00:14:57,669 You know, "Do you mind if I use tongue? Could you..." 333 00:14:57,752 --> 00:15:00,168 You know, I don't know how to talk to a girl. 334 00:15:00,251 --> 00:15:03,418 And how are we supposed to get into actual sex? 335 00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:05,335 I mean, do you write out a form and say, 336 00:15:05,418 --> 00:15:08,043 "Hey, do you mind if we, uh, do a little fucking? 337 00:15:08,126 --> 00:15:11,043 "Would you-- Is it okay if I put it in missionary? 338 00:15:11,126 --> 00:15:12,919 How about dog-style?" 339 00:15:13,001 --> 00:15:17,126 Do I say, "Hey do you mind if I, uh, slip this in?" 340 00:15:17,210 --> 00:15:19,168 "Oh, okay." "All right." 341 00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:22,585 "Do you mind if I, um-- Is it okay if I pull it out?" 342 00:15:22,669 --> 00:15:23,919 "Okay." 343 00:15:24,001 --> 00:15:25,669 "And do you mind if I speed it up? 344 00:15:25,752 --> 00:15:27,418 "Do you mind if I-- Yeah! Oh, oh! 345 00:15:27,502 --> 00:15:29,251 "Was that okay? Sorry, I didn't know. 346 00:15:29,335 --> 00:15:30,543 "Is it okay? Is it not okay? 347 00:15:30,627 --> 00:15:32,335 Is it okay? Is it not okay?" 348 00:15:33,835 --> 00:15:36,877 (cell phone beeping) 349 00:15:40,168 --> 00:15:42,377 -Hey! -Kat: Hi! 350 00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:44,794 -Hi! - There you are. 351 00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,794 -Oh, my God. - Hi. 352 00:15:46,877 --> 00:15:49,919 -I miss you so much. - I miss you, too. 353 00:15:50,001 --> 00:15:52,585 - How was the show? -It was good. 354 00:15:52,669 --> 00:15:54,335 I'm in a Comedy Condo. 355 00:15:55,043 --> 00:15:57,293 I feel like I'm on a stakeout 356 00:15:57,377 --> 00:15:58,960 or in witness protection. 357 00:15:59,043 --> 00:16:01,168 Hey, Pete, you're cutting out a little. 358 00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:02,752 Sorry, can you hear me? 359 00:16:02,835 --> 00:16:06,794 - Um, yes. Okay, yeah. -There's like no cell service here. 360 00:16:06,877 --> 00:16:10,377 -I think it's a Verizon community. -(Kat laughs) 361 00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:12,502 Um, but, yeah, I'm good. How are you? 362 00:16:12,585 --> 00:16:15,293 Oh, I'm good. It was a long day at work. 363 00:16:15,377 --> 00:16:17,460 It was... Yeah, it was just busy. 364 00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:20,126 Now what? You got your pajama-jams on? 365 00:16:20,210 --> 00:16:23,001 Yeah, now I'm just in bed just thinking about you. 366 00:16:23,085 --> 00:16:25,835 Oh. I wish I was there. 367 00:16:25,919 --> 00:16:28,001 Yeah? 368 00:16:28,085 --> 00:16:29,877 Why do you wish you were here? 369 00:16:32,460 --> 00:16:34,543 Yeah? Uh... 370 00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:37,251 Um, well, uh... 371 00:16:49,168 --> 00:16:51,919 This is fucking ridiculous. 372 00:16:53,251 --> 00:16:54,877 Hello. 373 00:16:55,543 --> 00:17:00,794 We just tore the club down and you're drinking tea? 374 00:17:01,460 --> 00:17:05,085 I'm drinking tea, and I'm pretty psyched about it. 375 00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:09,126 Where's Pete? 376 00:17:09,669 --> 00:17:11,460 I think he's in his room. 377 00:17:11,543 --> 00:17:15,293 What, am I on the road with the fucking Osmonds? 378 00:17:17,418 --> 00:17:18,835 Enjoy your chamomile. 379 00:17:18,919 --> 00:17:20,627 Enjoy your push-ups! 380 00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:22,752 (door closes) 381 00:17:22,835 --> 00:17:25,168 (mutters): Fucking weirdo. 382 00:17:25,251 --> 00:17:27,960 -I'm so deep right now. I'm so deep. -Kat: Oh, yeah. 383 00:17:28,043 --> 00:17:29,418 -Yeah. -Oh, fuck. 384 00:17:29,502 --> 00:17:31,877 - How-- Are you close? -I'm fucking close. 385 00:17:31,960 --> 00:17:33,377 -Yeah? -Are you-- Are you close? 386 00:17:33,460 --> 00:17:35,293 Yeah, I'm close. 387 00:17:35,377 --> 00:17:36,627 I want you to-- 388 00:17:36,710 --> 00:17:38,877 Hold on. Kitty, you're cutting out. 389 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,543 -Can you hear me? - Yeah, I can hear you. 390 00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:43,210 - Can you hear me? -I'm close. Are you close? 391 00:17:43,293 --> 00:17:44,960 - Yeah. I want you to come. -I'm so close. 392 00:17:45,043 --> 00:17:47,126 -I'm gonna come. Are you close? -Yeah. 393 00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:49,168 - Yeah, do you wanna come for me? - Are we gonna come? 394 00:17:49,251 --> 00:17:51,710 I'm gonna come. Come with me. Come with me! 395 00:17:51,794 --> 00:17:53,377 Oh, God! 396 00:17:53,460 --> 00:17:55,418 (muffled): Oh, God. 397 00:17:55,502 --> 00:17:57,168 Oh! 398 00:17:57,251 --> 00:17:59,085 (grunts) 399 00:17:59,168 --> 00:18:01,877 (gasps) 400 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,585 (panting) 401 00:18:03,669 --> 00:18:07,168 Kitty, yeah, that was amazing. 402 00:18:07,835 --> 00:18:09,669 Are you close? 403 00:18:11,335 --> 00:18:13,085 I'm-- Are you there? 404 00:18:13,168 --> 00:18:14,585 Can you hear? Are you close? 405 00:18:14,669 --> 00:18:16,877 Kat, I-- I'm done. 406 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,585 Oh, you-- Fuck, okay. 407 00:18:18,669 --> 00:18:21,001 -I'm sorry, I thought you-- - No, I'm right there. I'm right there. 408 00:18:21,085 --> 00:18:22,293 - I'm so close. -You're close? 409 00:18:22,377 --> 00:18:23,710 Yeah, just keep on talking to me. 410 00:18:23,794 --> 00:18:25,126 - Talk dirty for me. -Okay. 411 00:18:25,210 --> 00:18:28,460 Yeah, talk about your hard cock for me, Pete. 412 00:18:28,543 --> 00:18:30,752 It's a... It's a sad scene down there. 413 00:18:30,835 --> 00:18:33,251 - Okay, just-- -It looks like a cheese doodle in the rain. 414 00:18:33,335 --> 00:18:36,710 Pete, no bits. Don't do bits right now. I just-- 415 00:18:36,794 --> 00:18:38,126 Okay. 416 00:18:38,210 --> 00:18:39,585 I'm fucking... 417 00:18:39,669 --> 00:18:41,752 I'm making you beg for my big hard one. 418 00:18:41,835 --> 00:18:44,960 -Uh-huh. Yeah? -I'm fucking you so hard and so deep. 419 00:18:45,043 --> 00:18:47,543 - Uh-uh. -Gonna wedge my soft one in there. 420 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,293 - Pete! -(laughing) 421 00:18:49,377 --> 00:18:50,919 I'm just gonna-- Just give me a second. 422 00:18:51,001 --> 00:18:53,126 No, no, no. Don't-- I'm fucking you. 423 00:18:53,210 --> 00:18:55,126 I'm fucking you, I'm sorry. I'm fucking you... 424 00:18:55,210 --> 00:18:56,794 with my Sorcerer's Stone. 425 00:18:56,877 --> 00:18:58,502 -Pete! -Here comes my Goblet of Fire. 426 00:18:58,585 --> 00:19:01,460 Stop! It's not funny. I'm not... 427 00:19:01,543 --> 00:19:03,085 I lost it. I'm not... 428 00:19:03,168 --> 00:19:05,752 I'm sorry. I'm sorry, it's just, 429 00:19:05,835 --> 00:19:09,794 as soon as I come, you know, sex, like, it doesn't really make any sense. 430 00:19:09,877 --> 00:19:11,251 I can't-- I'm really sorry. 431 00:19:11,335 --> 00:19:15,418 No, it's fine. I'm glad you came. I'm gonna, um... 432 00:19:15,502 --> 00:19:18,001 This is just like the sex shop all over again. 433 00:19:18,085 --> 00:19:19,377 I'm s-- Shit. 434 00:19:19,460 --> 00:19:22,293 I'm not in the mood anymore. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 435 00:19:22,377 --> 00:19:24,085 Kitty... 436 00:19:24,168 --> 00:19:26,210 -Bye. -(phone beeping) 437 00:19:29,460 --> 00:19:30,752 (loud knocking) 438 00:19:30,835 --> 00:19:32,919 Petey! Come on, baby, let's roll! 439 00:19:33,001 --> 00:19:35,251 -What the fuck? -You don't want to get tea-bagged, do ya? 440 00:19:35,335 --> 00:19:36,960 We're going to the mall, bitch! 441 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,377 Let's go. Come on, Petey! 442 00:19:38,460 --> 00:19:41,293 We're gonna make it happen. You're gonna love it. 443 00:19:41,377 --> 00:19:43,251 ♪ ♪ 444 00:19:50,418 --> 00:19:52,418 ♪ ♪ 445 00:19:58,126 --> 00:20:00,251 ♪ ♪ 446 00:20:18,126 --> 00:20:20,251 ♪ ♪ 447 00:20:23,585 --> 00:20:25,627 (rock music playing) 448 00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:27,251 Okay, good. You're all here. 449 00:20:27,335 --> 00:20:29,835 Um, I've been trying to get a hold of your manager. 450 00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:32,210 I manage myself. What do you think, 451 00:20:32,293 --> 00:20:34,210 I'm gonna pay someone ten percent to pick up a phone, 452 00:20:34,293 --> 00:20:36,877 maybe answer an e-mail? No, thanks. 453 00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,293 Okay. 454 00:20:38,377 --> 00:20:40,627 Well, I need you to middle tonight. 455 00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:45,460 What are you talking about? I thought we had a nice flow. 456 00:20:45,543 --> 00:20:47,043 We're gonna try something new. 457 00:20:47,126 --> 00:20:49,960 Okay. Hey, Pete, are you comfortable headlining tonight? 458 00:20:51,669 --> 00:20:54,126 -Uh, yeah, I can do 45. -Okay. 459 00:20:54,210 --> 00:20:56,669 What the fuck are you talking about? 460 00:20:57,293 --> 00:20:59,502 We received complaints about your set, okay? 461 00:20:59,585 --> 00:21:02,210 -Comment cards? -No. Yelp. 462 00:21:03,335 --> 00:21:04,960 -Yelp. -Yes, Yelp. 463 00:21:05,043 --> 00:21:06,919 We dropped a full half-star in one night. 464 00:21:07,001 --> 00:21:09,710 We take that very, very seriously. 465 00:21:09,794 --> 00:21:11,794 Yelp. Really? 466 00:21:11,877 --> 00:21:13,460 You dropped half a star 467 00:21:13,543 --> 00:21:16,502 and you're gonna give these fucking jerk-offs the power? 468 00:21:16,585 --> 00:21:18,085 If somebody's a pussy, fuck 'em! 469 00:21:18,168 --> 00:21:20,085 Honestly, you should just be happy we're keeping you 470 00:21:20,168 --> 00:21:22,710 on the show at all, if you can tone it down. 471 00:21:24,669 --> 00:21:26,794 If I can tone it-- Did you see that room? 472 00:21:26,877 --> 00:21:28,168 Who do you think packed that room? 473 00:21:28,251 --> 00:21:29,835 We papered the house. 474 00:21:31,210 --> 00:21:34,043 That was our mailing list. We gave them free tickets. 475 00:21:36,627 --> 00:21:38,669 This is... This is bullshit. This... 476 00:21:39,251 --> 00:21:40,752 This is bullshit. 477 00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:45,126 -Pete: Jay... -Uh-huh. No, yeah. 478 00:21:45,210 --> 00:21:47,543 Well, it is in the system under "open food." 479 00:21:48,293 --> 00:21:49,377 Hold on. Yes? 480 00:21:50,043 --> 00:21:52,794 Um, I was just wondering if maybe I should headline. 481 00:21:52,877 --> 00:21:55,543 'Cause, uh, I'm not trying to, like, overstep my boundaries. 482 00:21:55,627 --> 00:21:57,752 It's just that I have more credits, 483 00:21:57,835 --> 00:22:01,293 and, you know, I didn't get complaints. 484 00:22:01,377 --> 00:22:02,752 -(laughs) So... -Yeah. 485 00:22:02,835 --> 00:22:06,293 Actually, the owner did have some suggestions for you. 486 00:22:06,377 --> 00:22:08,293 Oh, really? 487 00:22:08,377 --> 00:22:10,585 Wa-Was he here? 488 00:22:10,669 --> 00:22:13,752 -He watches on a livestream from Florida, so... -Oh. 489 00:22:13,835 --> 00:22:16,335 Mainly, just the global note is just 490 00:22:16,418 --> 00:22:18,502 have more enthusiasm overall. 491 00:22:18,585 --> 00:22:21,168 Have fun with it, you know, smile more. Right? 492 00:22:21,251 --> 00:22:22,627 -Smile more? -Yeah. 493 00:22:22,710 --> 00:22:25,085 (laughing): Oh! Just did it. 494 00:22:25,168 --> 00:22:27,168 I just feel like right now, it feels like you're pretending 495 00:22:27,251 --> 00:22:28,669 to want to read the announcements, 496 00:22:28,752 --> 00:22:30,835 and I want you to want to read the announcements. 497 00:22:30,919 --> 00:22:33,543 -Right. Oh, okay, yeah. -You know, you're excited about saying them. 498 00:22:33,627 --> 00:22:36,043 Great. Good luck, everyone. Have a good show. 499 00:22:36,126 --> 00:22:38,418 -Thanks. -Thank you. 500 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,001 Smile more. 501 00:22:41,085 --> 00:22:42,418 Cool. 502 00:22:44,043 --> 00:22:45,168 I'm sorry, Al. 503 00:22:45,251 --> 00:22:49,001 And I thought you smiled just the right amount. 504 00:22:49,085 --> 00:22:50,669 Jason: It's code, sweetheart. 505 00:22:50,752 --> 00:22:53,335 It means they want a bubbly chick to open the show. 506 00:22:53,418 --> 00:22:54,502 It's tits and teeth. 507 00:22:54,585 --> 00:22:58,001 Dude, you just got demoted to middle. 508 00:22:58,085 --> 00:22:59,377 How are you lecturing me? 509 00:22:59,460 --> 00:23:01,794 Tits and teeth, that's all you are. 510 00:23:04,168 --> 00:23:06,168 -(laughter) -Um, two drink specials tonight. 511 00:23:06,251 --> 00:23:10,669 We've got the Chuckle Shackery and the Jack and Joke. 512 00:23:10,752 --> 00:23:12,335 It's, uh... Yeah. 513 00:23:12,418 --> 00:23:14,377 And, uh, for an extra ten dollars, 514 00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:16,794 you can get it served to you in a laugh carafe. 515 00:23:16,877 --> 00:23:19,335 You should definitely do that if you're utter trash. 516 00:23:19,418 --> 00:23:21,251 (laughter) 517 00:23:22,126 --> 00:23:24,960 All right. Well, now that I only have three minutes left, 518 00:23:25,043 --> 00:23:26,877 I guess I'll start my set. 519 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:29,710 I'm eating into the time as I speak. 520 00:23:29,794 --> 00:23:31,293 Um... 521 00:23:32,293 --> 00:23:35,001 You know, I think I'm gonna do some new material tonight. 522 00:23:35,085 --> 00:23:38,293 -(cheers, applause) -How do you guys feel about that? 523 00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,627 I just have to say... 524 00:23:42,710 --> 00:23:44,001 I don't get these idiots 525 00:23:44,085 --> 00:23:46,960 who don't understand the concept of consent. 526 00:23:47,043 --> 00:23:50,669 They're like, "I have to ask if she wants a dick in her? 527 00:23:50,752 --> 00:23:54,960 Wait, what? That's gonna totally throw off my momentum." 528 00:23:55,043 --> 00:23:56,418 (laughter) 529 00:23:56,502 --> 00:23:58,293 You ask questions all goddamn day. 530 00:23:58,377 --> 00:24:00,251 You go to McDonald's, you say, "Hi. 531 00:24:00,335 --> 00:24:01,794 "I don't want pickles on my burger. 532 00:24:01,877 --> 00:24:04,293 Can I make sure that there are no pickles on my burger?" 533 00:24:04,377 --> 00:24:06,543 It shouldn't be daunting to say to a woman, 534 00:24:06,627 --> 00:24:08,919 "Hey, can I put my pickle in your burger?" 535 00:24:09,001 --> 00:24:10,585 (laughter) 536 00:24:10,669 --> 00:24:12,418 She's torpedoing my act. 537 00:24:12,502 --> 00:24:13,919 Ali: Women love questions. 538 00:24:14,001 --> 00:24:16,794 -Right? They love them. -(applause) 539 00:24:16,877 --> 00:24:18,710 I get off on questions. 540 00:24:18,794 --> 00:24:21,752 "Can I take you to dinner?" (moans) You know? 541 00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:25,210 "Do you wanna meet my parents?" "Yes!" You know? 542 00:24:25,293 --> 00:24:28,377 "Can I fuck you?" (moans) "Now you can!" 543 00:24:31,377 --> 00:24:33,251 Guys, this has been such a treat. 544 00:24:33,335 --> 00:24:35,835 I'm gonna bring up your middle for the evening. 545 00:24:35,919 --> 00:24:39,168 -Are you guys ready for your middle? -(cheers, applause) 546 00:24:39,251 --> 00:24:40,627 Oh, my God. That's so wonderful. 547 00:24:40,710 --> 00:24:44,210 You're gonna love him. He is a delight and a half. 548 00:24:44,293 --> 00:24:46,168 Give it up for Jason Webber. 549 00:24:46,251 --> 00:24:48,043 (cheers and applause) 550 00:24:55,919 --> 00:24:57,710 What's up, fuckers? 551 00:24:58,418 --> 00:25:00,168 How about a hand for Ali Reissen? 552 00:25:00,251 --> 00:25:03,001 Or maybe a fist, that'll loosen her up. 553 00:25:03,085 --> 00:25:05,585 -(scattered laughter) -(woman groans) 554 00:25:05,669 --> 00:25:07,669 Nyah! Nyah! Nyah! (chuckles) 555 00:25:07,752 --> 00:25:08,877 Anyway, um... 556 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:12,251 You know, listen. Consent, you know. 557 00:25:12,335 --> 00:25:15,168 She's-- "Oh, consent is so easy. We all get it." 558 00:25:15,251 --> 00:25:18,669 I don't know, you know? I'm not sure we all do get it. 559 00:25:18,752 --> 00:25:22,919 Right? I mean, it used to be you got it, you know? I mean... 560 00:25:23,001 --> 00:25:26,001 Is there anything more creepy than asking a girl to kiss her? 561 00:25:26,085 --> 00:25:29,543 -"Hey, do you mind if I put these on-on..." -(murmurs) 562 00:25:29,627 --> 00:25:32,001 You know? And how we gonna make sex happen? 563 00:25:32,085 --> 00:25:33,460 Now you gotta ask outright, 564 00:25:33,543 --> 00:25:35,126 "Hey, do you mind if I put it in? 565 00:25:35,210 --> 00:25:39,669 "Hey, Sweet Pea, are we gonna do it missionary or dog-style?" 566 00:25:39,752 --> 00:25:41,543 (scattered laughter) 567 00:25:41,627 --> 00:25:43,960 "Hey, do you mind if I insert?" 568 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,835 -(grunts) -(audience silence) 569 00:25:45,919 --> 00:25:48,877 "Do you mind if I insert this?" I mean... 570 00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:52,210 And then her-- And then once you get it in, it's like, 571 00:25:52,293 --> 00:25:54,043 "Do you mind if I take it out?" 572 00:25:54,126 --> 00:25:55,543 And what about it when I put it in? 573 00:25:55,627 --> 00:25:57,210 Do you-- You know, what do I do here? 574 00:25:57,293 --> 00:25:59,210 -And, huh? I'm... -(silence) 575 00:25:59,293 --> 00:26:01,085 "I'm about to-to..." and then, you know, like, 576 00:26:01,168 --> 00:26:04,293 "Where do I arc the load?" You know? I mean... 577 00:26:04,377 --> 00:26:06,877 "Is it okay on your back? Should I just-- 578 00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:09,877 What if it hits you in the foot, you know? You gonna sue me?" 579 00:26:09,960 --> 00:26:12,502 -Huh. -(silence) 580 00:26:14,794 --> 00:26:17,126 -(Jason clears throat) -(audience murmurs) 581 00:26:17,794 --> 00:26:19,335 Um... 582 00:26:20,460 --> 00:26:22,627 (panting): A female friend of mine... 583 00:26:24,168 --> 00:26:28,585 Female friend of mine goes to Mexico to get, uh, 584 00:26:28,669 --> 00:26:31,752 get knock-off birth control because it's cheaper. 585 00:26:31,835 --> 00:26:33,085 (clears throat) 586 00:26:33,168 --> 00:26:36,960 Do we really think that's a good idea? 587 00:26:37,043 --> 00:26:38,669 I mean... 588 00:26:38,752 --> 00:26:41,752 there are a lot of Mexicans. 589 00:26:41,835 --> 00:26:44,752 Ali (over TV): ...love him, I promise. Give it up for Pete Holmes! 590 00:26:44,835 --> 00:26:46,543 (cheers and applause) 591 00:26:46,627 --> 00:26:49,794 (rock music playing) 592 00:26:49,877 --> 00:26:52,251 -Hey. -Hey. 593 00:26:52,335 --> 00:26:55,377 -Here you go. -Hey, just the person I wanted to see! 594 00:26:55,460 --> 00:26:58,168 -Do you need anything else? -Did you see those dipshits out there? 595 00:26:58,251 --> 00:27:01,835 -Yeah, that was rough. I'm really sorry. -Oh! 596 00:27:01,919 --> 00:27:04,418 Anyway, do you have-- Did you get a shot as well? 597 00:27:04,502 --> 00:27:07,085 Um, no, that's okay. I'm good. Thanks, though. 598 00:27:07,168 --> 00:27:09,293 Come on. It's a tradition. 599 00:27:09,377 --> 00:27:10,794 You know, I mean, you're the only one 600 00:27:10,877 --> 00:27:13,335 that seems to be any fun around here anyway. 601 00:27:13,418 --> 00:27:15,877 -Um, no, thank you. -All right. 602 00:27:17,377 --> 00:27:20,043 On the clock. I get it. 603 00:27:21,168 --> 00:27:23,377 (Pete speaking indistinctly over TV) 604 00:27:35,043 --> 00:27:36,794 Hey, Deborah, listen. 605 00:27:36,877 --> 00:27:38,960 I'm at the Club Condo right up the street. 606 00:27:39,043 --> 00:27:42,251 If memory serves, they got a bottle of tequila back there. 607 00:27:42,335 --> 00:27:45,627 I think it's even the good stuff, might be a gold of sorts. 608 00:27:45,710 --> 00:27:48,835 I, uh, um... I was thinking, um... 609 00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:51,585 You, me, you know. 610 00:27:52,210 --> 00:27:55,710 Uh, sorry. Do you need anything else from me? 611 00:27:56,377 --> 00:27:57,960 No, no. I'm-- I'm not working. 612 00:27:58,043 --> 00:27:59,919 I'm off tomorrow, which means you're off tomorrow, 613 00:28:00,001 --> 00:28:03,418 -which means we could really-- -Dude. Come on. Stop. 614 00:28:03,502 --> 00:28:05,126 (scoffs) What? What do you mean? 615 00:28:05,210 --> 00:28:06,919 Come on. You know. 616 00:28:07,001 --> 00:28:08,919 Did you see that fucking crowd tonight? 617 00:28:09,001 --> 00:28:11,960 What, are we supposed to walk into the night alone? 618 00:28:12,043 --> 00:28:13,752 You know, I saw your lower-back tattoo. 619 00:28:13,835 --> 00:28:16,919 -I know what you like, dirty girl. Come here. -Dude! 620 00:28:17,001 --> 00:28:19,168 Wake the fuck up, okay? 621 00:28:19,251 --> 00:28:21,377 God, that kind of shit? That's so over. 622 00:28:21,460 --> 00:28:24,001 -Jesus. -Okay, we got some wires crossed. 623 00:28:24,085 --> 00:28:26,919 No, fuck you! Fuck you! 624 00:28:27,001 --> 00:28:29,210 Do you know what the worst fucking job in this whole club is? 625 00:28:29,293 --> 00:28:31,085 It's working the fucking green room, 626 00:28:31,168 --> 00:28:34,543 because you guys think that we all want to talk to you, and we don't! 627 00:28:34,627 --> 00:28:36,251 -We really don't. -All right, okay. 628 00:28:36,335 --> 00:28:39,210 So just leave me alone and let me do my fucking job. 629 00:28:39,293 --> 00:28:41,043 -Okay? -I hear ya. All right? 630 00:28:41,126 --> 00:28:44,043 I apolo... Look, don't tell Gavin, would ya? 631 00:28:44,126 --> 00:28:47,168 Because, you know, I gotta work this club. This is how I make a living. 632 00:28:47,251 --> 00:28:50,085 -Besides, you hit on me in the first place. -Oh, come on. 633 00:28:51,752 --> 00:28:53,960 -This fucking... -(door slams) 634 00:28:58,293 --> 00:29:00,126 Pete (on TV): ...get too comfortable swearing. 635 00:29:00,210 --> 00:29:03,502 Recently told my doctor, I don't fuck with cheese. 636 00:29:03,585 --> 00:29:05,502 (audience laughing) 637 00:29:07,126 --> 00:29:09,293 (crickets chirring) 638 00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:14,502 Pete: Hey. 639 00:29:16,710 --> 00:29:19,001 Do you, uh, you wanna go? 640 00:29:20,543 --> 00:29:23,377 -Yeah. -You okay? 641 00:29:27,752 --> 00:29:29,919 Fuck... No. 642 00:29:30,001 --> 00:29:33,251 -I-I... -It's just one weekend, Jay. 643 00:29:33,335 --> 00:29:35,794 -It doesn't matter. -You know they cut my pay? 644 00:29:35,877 --> 00:29:38,293 They paid me as the middle act both nights. 645 00:29:39,669 --> 00:29:40,835 I'm sorry. 646 00:29:40,919 --> 00:29:42,585 (laughing): Okay. 647 00:29:42,669 --> 00:29:43,752 (clears throat) 648 00:29:43,835 --> 00:29:45,418 This shit used to be fun, Pete. 649 00:29:45,502 --> 00:29:47,794 It used to be... It used to be dangerous. 650 00:29:47,877 --> 00:29:51,001 What do you think Bill Hicks would do if some broad complains? 651 00:29:51,085 --> 00:29:54,460 He'd give a fuck? He'd flick a cigarette at her tits. 652 00:29:54,543 --> 00:29:56,960 -Well... -No! It's like, if I were a fucking-- 653 00:29:57,043 --> 00:29:59,752 If I were a biracial lesbian doing the same material, 654 00:29:59,835 --> 00:30:01,210 that crowd would have carried me around. 655 00:30:01,293 --> 00:30:02,669 They would've had a parade for me. 656 00:30:02,752 --> 00:30:04,418 It's a shitty time to be a straight white guy, Pete. 657 00:30:04,502 --> 00:30:08,752 -Oh, my fucking God. -Oh, look who it is. Samantha Bee, everybody. 658 00:30:08,835 --> 00:30:11,335 -I mean, really, dude? -Really. 659 00:30:11,418 --> 00:30:15,418 Come on, man. It's a hard time to be a white guy? 660 00:30:16,210 --> 00:30:18,543 Have a little accountability, okay? 661 00:30:18,627 --> 00:30:19,960 You're not the victim. 662 00:30:20,043 --> 00:30:21,627 And just because you're up there 663 00:30:21,710 --> 00:30:24,627 pacing around and wearing a leather jacket, 664 00:30:24,710 --> 00:30:26,377 doesn't mean you're telling it like it is. 665 00:30:26,460 --> 00:30:28,794 Who gives a fuck what you think? I like leather, okay? 666 00:30:28,877 --> 00:30:30,627 -Jay... -And I'll tell you something else. 667 00:30:30,710 --> 00:30:33,085 You burnt my fucking premises. You don't do that to another comic. 668 00:30:33,168 --> 00:30:37,001 Okay, well, a comic does comedy. 669 00:30:37,085 --> 00:30:40,877 What you did was-- hmm, let me think... hate speech? 670 00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:44,835 Let me tell you something. When we wake up from all this PC bullshit, 671 00:30:44,919 --> 00:30:46,627 we'll see what it looks like for you then, 672 00:30:46,710 --> 00:30:50,043 you fucking Nescafe, chamomile-sipping cunt. 673 00:30:50,126 --> 00:30:52,585 You know what, Jason? You're a cunt. 674 00:30:52,669 --> 00:30:56,627 I am sorry that you've been doing comedy for 15 fucking years 675 00:30:56,710 --> 00:30:59,585 and all you have to show for it is managing The Boston. 676 00:30:59,669 --> 00:31:02,502 Twenty-two years! 677 00:31:02,585 --> 00:31:04,085 Twenty-two! 678 00:31:11,627 --> 00:31:14,210 Okay, um... 679 00:31:14,293 --> 00:31:16,543 I think my Uber's here, 680 00:31:16,627 --> 00:31:18,126 so I'm gonna... 681 00:31:19,752 --> 00:31:21,126 See ya, Pete. 682 00:31:31,377 --> 00:31:33,293 Ah, look, you know... 683 00:31:33,377 --> 00:31:35,085 It's gonna be fine. 684 00:31:36,502 --> 00:31:38,960 Name of the game, right? I mean... 685 00:31:39,043 --> 00:31:42,210 You come out to a club, it doesn't always go your way. 686 00:31:42,293 --> 00:31:43,710 You take a little slap on the wrist. 687 00:31:43,794 --> 00:31:46,126 You clean it up for a couple of months. 688 00:31:47,460 --> 00:31:49,794 You're right back in the game. 689 00:31:50,960 --> 00:31:52,502 (sighs) 690 00:31:52,585 --> 00:31:54,377 (exhales, grunts) 691 00:31:54,460 --> 00:31:58,168 All right, you're driving. Middle. Middle drives, baby. 692 00:31:58,251 --> 00:31:59,752 Grab your bag. 693 00:32:04,210 --> 00:32:08,168 (heavy metal music blaring over car stereo) 694 00:32:15,669 --> 00:32:18,502 (volume decreases) 695 00:32:22,669 --> 00:32:25,001 (volume increases) 696 00:32:25,085 --> 00:32:29,293 (heavy metal music blaring) 697 00:32:32,627 --> 00:32:35,502 Pete: Wow, thank you guys so much. How are you guys doing? 698 00:32:35,585 --> 00:32:38,543 -(loud cheering) -Wow. God is good! 699 00:32:38,627 --> 00:32:40,877 -Audience: All the time! -All the time? 700 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:42,502 -Audience: God is good! -That's right! 701 00:32:42,585 --> 00:32:44,919 Clap for yourselves, everybody. It's wonderful to be here. 702 00:32:45,001 --> 00:32:47,001 -(cheers, applause) -(gospel music playing) 703 00:32:47,085 --> 00:32:49,835 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 704 00:32:49,919 --> 00:32:52,669 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 705 00:32:52,752 --> 00:32:58,543 ♪ My soul looks back and wonder how I got over ♪ 706 00:32:58,627 --> 00:33:01,710 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 707 00:33:01,794 --> 00:33:04,669 -♪ How I got over ♪ -♪ How I got over ♪ 708 00:33:04,752 --> 00:33:10,877 ♪ My soul looks back and wonder how I got over ♪ 709 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:14,043 -♪Just as soon as I see Jesus ♪ -♪ Oh yeah ♪ 710 00:33:14,126 --> 00:33:16,835 -♪ The man who made me free ♪ -♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪ 711 00:33:16,919 --> 00:33:20,168 -♪ He was the man that bled and suffered ♪ -♪ Oh yeah, oh yeah ♪ 712 00:33:20,251 --> 00:33:22,669 -♪ Who died for you and for me ♪ -♪ Oh yeah ♪ 713 00:33:22,752 --> 00:33:26,085 ♪ I want to thank him because he brought me ♪ 714 00:33:26,168 --> 00:33:27,502 ♪ I want to thank him ♪ 715 00:33:27,585 --> 00:33:29,001 ♪ Because he taught me ♪ 716 00:33:29,085 --> 00:33:30,502 ♪ I want to thank God ♪ 717 00:33:30,585 --> 00:33:31,919 ♪ Because he kept me ♪ 718 00:33:32,001 --> 00:33:33,418 ♪ I'm gonna pray to God ♪ 719 00:33:33,502 --> 00:33:34,585 ♪ He never left me ♪ 720 00:33:34,669 --> 00:33:37,669 -♪ I want to sing ♪ -♪ Hallelujah ♪ 721 00:33:37,752 --> 00:33:40,877 -♪ I might shout this evening ♪ -♪ Troubles over ♪ 722 00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:43,001 ♪ I'm gonna thank Jesus ♪ 723 00:33:43,085 --> 00:33:45,043 ♪ For all he's done for me ♪ 724 00:33:45,835 --> 00:33:47,043 ♪ Oh yeah ♪ 725 00:33:47,126 --> 00:33:50,043 -♪ How I got ♪ -♪ Over ♪ 726 00:33:50,126 --> 00:33:53,210 -♪ Over! ♪ -♪ Over! ♪ 727 00:33:57,251 --> 00:33:59,335 I'm excited to be on tour with you. 728 00:33:59,418 --> 00:34:01,377 We can get room service and do drugs. 729 00:34:01,460 --> 00:34:02,543 PETE HOLMES: It's a Christian tour. 730 00:34:02,627 --> 00:34:04,001 And we're staying with my parents. 731 00:34:04,085 --> 00:34:05,085 ♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪ 732 00:34:05,168 --> 00:34:06,877 My best boy in the whole world! 733 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,001 Hello, Mom and Dad. 734 00:34:08,085 --> 00:34:09,502 Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 735 00:34:10,001 --> 00:34:12,210 I'm so glad the Lord is using Peter's gift. 736 00:34:12,293 --> 00:34:14,418 Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead. 737 00:34:14,502 --> 00:34:15,835 Can you imagine if Jesus raised him 738 00:34:15,919 --> 00:34:17,460 and Lazarus came up like... 739 00:34:18,168 --> 00:34:19,126 "Oh, man!" 740 00:34:19,210 --> 00:34:20,627 (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) 741 00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:21,877 What are you doing? 742 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:23,293 She just told me to put on a bra. 743 00:34:23,377 --> 00:34:24,877 Well, are you wearing a bra? 744 00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:26,710 It's not church, it's a comedy show. 745 00:34:26,794 --> 00:34:27,794 In a church! 746 00:34:27,877 --> 00:34:31,085 ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪ 747 00:34:31,135 --> 00:34:35,685 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 56629

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