All language subtitles for Crashing s03e02 The Temple Gig.eg

-Hey!
-MAN: Whoa!

-I'm back.
-I don't care.

PETE HOLMES: I didn't mean
to break up with you

on a street corner.
Sorry.

I kinda felt it that time.

Congrats on being a human being.

PETE: Even getting an audition
at The Cellar

is a really, really big deal.

The right people see me,

maybe I tour,
maybe I open for somebody.

-MC: Pete Holmes!
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

-You guys pee in the pool?
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It is one of the truest
acts of freedom

to stand three feet away
from a stranger, just like,

-"What's going on?"
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Thank you, Cellar! Whoo!
Thank you.

(SINGING)
That was a good set.

You're not ready.
I have plenty of white guys

talking about nothing.

(laughter, cheers)

I was on a train once,
man, and, uh,

this kid hopped on the train
with a box of candy.

And he looked at everybody
and was like, "Hey everybody!

My name's Reggie.

I'm raising money

for my community center-- I am.

It'd mean a lot if you just,
you know, help me out,

with whatever you got,
it would mean a lot.

Man, no one gave him
any money, nobody.

I know, it's pretty sad!

Honest kid, trying to
make a living, you know?

And he was doing
something charitable, right?

And that's when he got mad.

He was like, "You know what?

I could be out killing
y'all, but I'm not!"

And then everybody
pulled out money.

They were like, "All right,
you can have it."

And he was like, "Nah,
it's too late! It's too late!

"Nah, the Twizzler
Strangler's back!

-(laughter)
-You had your chance!

-(cheers and applause)
-Thank you guys so much

for coming to the latest
installment of Dirty Loads.

I'm your host, Russell.

Your next comic coming
to the stage is hilarious.

You probably seen him
around the city.

Put your hands together
for Solomon Georgio!

(cheers and applause)

Russell, everybody!
Give it up for ya host tonight.

Isn't that perfect? Ha!

Ah, first thing you should
know about me, uh,

is that I am gay as hell.

(laughter)

Thank you.
I'm great at it.

-What's up, man?
-How you been?

-What's going on?
-Oh, great! How's college life, man?

Good, you know,
it was good.

-Yeah, man.
-Yeah.

This is you?
This is incredible!

This is my show, man.
It started off really, really small.

Then, it just grew.
Look at all these people.

They brought
their own beer, man.

Straight men that don't eat
pussy are the gayest thing...

(laughter)

...in the whole wide world!

You know, since I've
been back, it's been--

it's been a little light,
you know? I'd love to--

if you have room tonight--

I'd jump up
in a heartbeat, you know?

Yeah, I would love
to put you on, too,

but I'm completely booked
for the whole night, man.

Uh, look,

two or three months,
I got you, all right?

-Okay. You got my number?
-I'll see you around.

-I got your number!
-All right, cool.

(cheers and applause)

I know what you guys
are saying. "Greg,"

talk about trickle-down
economics." Well...

Here's the thing...
(continues indistinctly)

Hey, Pete!

-Elon Gold. What's up?
-Oh. Yeah, hey.

I saw you at The Cellar
last night.

Yeah, I saw you.
You fucking killed.

It was, like-- I can't believe
Estee didn't pass you.

That was, like, a solid set.

Wow, thank you.

I'm doing a...
I'm doing a gig

that I think you'd
be perfect for.

-Yes. I'm open to anything.
-Would you?

It's a shul, synagogue.
It's a temple event.

-Oh, I'm not Jewish.
-They won't care.

They'll like you
even more.

But do it. Just e-mail me,
and I'll get you the details,

-and it'll be great.
-Sure, yeah. I'll e-mohel you.

That's an e-mail where
you cut off the subject.

-Don't do that
at the show. -I'm sorry.

Mazel!

? ?

Thank you.

I'd bring back, um,

what you left at my place,
but, you know...

You didn't have a place.

Yeah, no place.
I have a place now.

Mm. That's cool.
That's great.

Um, shit, so,

I don't think I told you this,
but I'm actually, um,

I'm seeing someone,
someone I met at work.

Is he your boss?

No, he's not my boss.

-He's right here. Hi.
-Hey, babe.

-How's it going?
-Um, ooh!

Uh, Ted, this is
my friend, Pete.

Hiya, Ned.

-Yeah, I'm Ted,
like the talks. -(Ali chuckles)

Yeah, I've heard of them.

If you guys have a minute,
I'd love to just

stand on a red dot,

and tell you about the hidden
power of introverts.

He has such a dry
sense of humor.

Well, nice to meet you.
I'm-- yeah.

Pete and I, um, yeah--

Me and Pete, we do
comedy together.

-Stand-up.
-Ted: Oh.

Did you tell him
about Seth Myers?

You're doing Seth--
Are you doing Late Night?

Yes. Yeah.

-Tell him how it happened.
-Oh, um, it was kind of crazy.

I was performing
at The Comedy Cellar,

and, um, the bookers were
just, like, in the audience.

Ted:
It was so funny.

-Is that cookie for me?
-Oh, for both of you.

Uh, yeah, once I put
the cookie on the table,

it's anyone's ball game.

-Are those raisins?
-Am I a monster?

-This is a hundred percent
chocolate chip. -You!

-I'll see you upstairs?
-Okay.

Pete, nice to meet you.

Shit.

I know, he's so great.

Yeah, he's dreamy.
I'm talking about Seth Myers.

-You're doing Late Night?
-It's not that big of a deal.

-It's a big deal.
-No, it's not.

It's huge,
and you deserve it.

What's with that jacket?
Who gave that to you?

G.I. Joey Fatone?

-We back...?
-On the jacket.

We're back on the jacket,
yeah. Yep, yep, yep.

Good, good.
Fresh topic. Hot topic.

? ?

Excuse me, uh, miss?

Hi. I'd like to return
this jacket.

I'll get the manager.

That's why people shop online.

Why are you returning that?

-Uh, mockery, mostly.
-Mm.

Every time I wear it,
people make fun of me.

A friend of mine
told me I look like

I manage the band Hanson.

I love Hanson.

I also love Hanson.

I don't think that's--
Everybody loves Hanson.

-Some people just
don't admit it. -Yeah.

Show me someone who watched
Hanson and was like,

"What a bunch of tools."

Let me see that on you.

-Right now?
-Yeah.

All right.

All right, guys,
"Mm-bop" from the top.

That's
a good jacket.

-Really?
-It looks good on you. Yeah, it like, suits you.

You should keep it.

-Seriously?
-Yeah, I think so.

Just keep it.
Yeah.

Don't, uh-- I want
to try something.

Don't tell me your name.

-I wasn't planning on it.
-Yeah, well, good.

-Okay. Okay.
-Stay with that.

This is weird.
I'm a little bit psychic.

-No kidding. Okay.
-Yeah, I am.

Ever since
I bought the jacket,

powers have been
coming to me.

-Right.
-Your, your name-- don't tell me...

-Okay.
-...is Linda?

-No. Oh, I'm sorry.
-Don't--

-Not till I'm done.
-Okay.

Your name is Linda,

your mother's name is Belinda,

and you have two sisters:
Flan and Darren.

-You... nailed it. Yeah.
-Did I?

It's a gift, it's a curse--
It's a gift.

What did you say
your name was?

Dan...? Dank?

-You're guessing
my name now? -Yeah. Is it Dank?

-And you're pronouncing
it correctly, too. -(laughs)

-Nice to meet you, Linda.
-Hi, Dank. Linda.

Do you want to
get a coffee with me?

? ?

I don't. I don't
normally drink coffee.

-Oh yeah?
-Nope.

I run on anxiety.

I hope this isn't a shock,
but I'm a-- I do stand-up.

-I'm a comedian.
-Of course!

No, yeah, I do.

-That's cool!
-Is it?

Yeah, that's
a really cool job.

I'm not, like, established.
I'm sort of...

still grinding it out.

I just did
a college tour, um--

I do have a show
tonight, actually.

I'm performing
at a synagogue, so...

-Cool!
-No.

-Not cool?
-I said synagogue,

not-- there's
no word that even

sounds like
synagogue that's cool.

What synagogue?
What temple are you doing?

-Are you Jewish?
-No, but I have a lot of Jewish friends.

-The Jews love me.
-What are you, whitefish?

(laughing)

See, I'm trying to write
all this Jewish material, but it just feels racist.

-That one was good.
-Okay.

I don't, um,
I don't know...

I don't know who
I'm having coffee with.

-It's fun, but I don't--
-Yeah, we don't know each other's names.

-We don't know
each other's real names. -Yeah.

-It is kind of fun, but--
-We're living in the tension.

Should we ante up?

Should we say our names
at the same time?

-Yeah, okay.
-Three, two, one...

-Pete.
-Kat.

Pete.

-Similar.
-Yeah.

-Hard T sound
in the middle. -Monosyllabic.

Wait, I want to see you
perform some--

What's your last name?

-Holmes, why?
-Do you have stuff on YouTube?

-Well, yeah, but--
Can we not? -I want to see you perform.

-Seriously, it's better if--
-Don't be embarrassed.

-If you want
to come see me-- -Don't be embarrassed.

-Just let me-- Okay, I'm
just gonna choose one. -Okay.

I'm watching one.

Shh! I'm listening.

Okay, great.

-(Kat laughs)
-No, no. Be real.

(laughing)

-What are we doing?
-We're looking for a dress

for me to wear
to a bachelorette party tonight.

-Oh. Fun.
-Yeah.

Okay, tell me something else.

-About me?
-Uh-huh.

I just met my ex-girlfriend's
new boyfriend,

-and he's amazing.
-Oh, no!

-Yeah.
-Was that a serious relationship?

Uh, I mean,

it was the first relationship
I had after my divorce,

so it's like my-- yeah.

My second relationship
ever, so kind of.

-Whoa. How long were
you married? -Yeah.

-Seven years.
-Who cheated?

She, uh, she did actually.
How did you know that?

Well, I'm an actuary.
That's a statistic,

and, like, that's my job.
You're a statistic.

-No offense.
-No, I like being called a statistic.

-What do you mean?
-It's just-- Okay, so seven years into a first marriage?

-Yes.
-That's infidelity.

Especially if it lines up with
the prime reproductive years,

which for women is
25 to 29.

She was...
She was 29.

Well, at least
she waited till the end.

Dude. Fuck! What?
That's nuts!

-Yeah!
-That's crazy!

So now my company
would give you

a higher life insurance quote,

because divorced men
live shorter lives

and so you're
higher risk for us.

Oh, great.
I have been feeling sluggish.

Don't worry.
A guy your age--

you just remarry,

and then you'll be
right back at average.

We have a winner.

Will you come help me?

Uh, yeah.

-In there?
-Mmm-hmm.

Okay, turn around please.

It's, like,
a quick little top.

-What are we doing?
-Well, I am trying on a dress,

and in three seconds,

you're gonna come over
and help me zip it.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

What do you think?

Yeah, that looks amazing.

Yeah?

It's cute, but I think
we can do better.

? ?

? There's a weight
in my bed ?

Not like I could,
but I could give you a piggy-back ride.

? Then you said ?

? I don't know you ?

-That's weird.
-What?

I had a dream about
a whale last night.

-You're kidding.
-No.

You dreamt about a whale and now
there's a whale right here?

I mean, it wasn't turquoise.
Didn't say, "Sail," but--

That's serendipitous!

That means you're right
where you're supposed to be.

Do you believe that?

Let's go.

-Going in the whale store?
-Hell yeah.

-Can I?
-Mmm-hmm.

-Should I lock it?
-I would.

? ?

I don't have a condom.

Oh, okay, I'm okay.
Are you okay?

-Yeah, totally, A-plus.
-Okay. Okay.

-(thumping)
-(voices murmur)

How's it going in there?

Yeah, it fits good.
Thank you.

? I'm on the guest list
down at Paul's Baby Grand ?

We got some hats.

? That hipster doorman,
he don't know who I am ?

? But my studied aloofness ?

? Is proof I belong so I pass?

? I'm leaving Los Feliz ?

(both moaning)

(panting)

(moaning)

? I'm young enough to know
I'm too young to quit ?

What are we doing?

Don't use words.

-I'm thinking words,
I'm thinking words. -Shh! Don't use words.

I'm thinking words
right now, I'm defining it.

Don't use words, just,
um, use a color.

That was very green.

-You think
it was green? -Yeah.

I think it was yellow.

I would love to...

yellow, anytime. Here.

I will green you whenever.

-Great.
-Yeah.

? ?

? I'm leaving Los Feliz ?

? Day after tomorrow ?

? I'm leaving Los Feliz ?

? ?

-The food is awful.
-Awful. Who died?

Anthrax, they killed
this lox with Anthrax.

-It's like a shiva call.
-Is that egg salad?

Oh hey, man!
Pete, you found us.

I didn't know there'd be food.
I ate on the way.

Jewish event.
There can't not be food.

Jewish comedy has
to follow a feeding. Has to.

And that's Modi,
he's the other comedian.

-Hi.
-Nice to meet you.

Should I be wearing
the...?

No. No, they're not paying
enough for us to wear yarmulkes.

Hello. I'm Shoshanna Ginsburg,
I'm the cochair of the event.

I was the chair last year
and the year before that,

but I wasn't even gonna
do it this year, but they begged me.

-And you are?
-That's Pete.

-He's gonna
also do the show. -I'm Pete. Hello.

Oh, well, he told me
all about you, Elon did, and, uh,

I'm sure it's gonna work out.

-Is there anything
I can get you guys? -A check.

(laughs)

He's serious.

Shoshanna:
Oh, you guys crack me up.

Well, I'm gonna leave you
alone to your comedy.

-Thank you.
-Mazel tov.

-For leaving.
-Oy.

It's like getting the life
sucked out of you before a show.

-It's the worst.
-The worst! Ugh!

-She was cochair, you know.
-She's cochair? She should hang herself off a chair.

Elon:
Wow, this is just-- even fruit they ruin.

-How do you screw up fruit?
-It doesn't even look fresh.

-It's not doing it.
-Wow.

Why so nervous?
Haven't you ever done comedy before?

I-- I don't know, I just
blew my Cellar audition,

so I don't know if I can
take another rejection.

Elon:
It's gonna be great, trust me. Modi's gonna go up first.

He's so, like, Jew-y,

you'll be a breath
of fresh, gentile air.

-Gentile air--
that's the deodorant I use. -Yes.

Modi (laughs):
You should use that, that's good.

Be the goy that you are.
Don't try to be Jew-y on stage.

-Right, right. Sorry.
-(phone chimes)

-Elon: You're eating this?
-I'm gonna have fruit.

What's going on
over there?

Uh, nothing.

-Modi: "Nothing."
-Nobody says, "Nothing."

Whenever you say, "Nothing,"
it's always something.

Don't make us beg,
just tell us.

Modi:
Yeah, what do you got there?

It was a... It's a girl.

-Oh!
-Mmm!

-Somebody I met
today, actually. -Nice, nice!

-Very nice! And?
What happened? -Good for you!

I don't want to kiss and tell.
It was just, you know...

-You already kissed her?
-We had sex.

-Oh!
-In a dressing room.

-What?
-Wow.

And then again in a bathroom,
on a changing table.

-Two times?
-In one day. It's a double shtup.

Oh, my God.

Elon:
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You had sex with a girl
you met today

-in a dressing room?
-Yeah.

I thought you were
a religious guy.

I mean, that face is...
definitely a little Episcopalian.

I know it seems
a little fast, but we...

you know, we really connected.
It was...

I don't want to say
it was love at first sight, but, you know...

-I'm sure it was. Wow.
-...I think this might be my person.

-You want to take this?
-You got it.

Elon:
I'm not doing anything with this. I can't handle it.

-Go ahead.
-All right. Pete...

I'm glad you had
this exciting experience,

this thing that happened
that you thought

would never happen to you.

It's exciting, you know?

But the sense I get is

maybe you're just
a little bit lost.

-I mean...
-Elon: You're all over the place. Pick a lane.

In the moment, you know,
it made a lot of sense.

'Cause she played
with your balls.

-Elon: That's what
I'm talking about. -But-- but why?

I don't understand.
Why can't I be this guy?

Why can't I do this
a little bit?

-Elon: 'Cause you're not--
-Maybe I met this girl for a reason.

Right, or maybe you're
here with us for a reason.

There's a Hebrew
expression, which--

Gam Zu L'Tova,

which means,
"Even this is for the best."

Elon:
Yeah, like, maybe you took this gig

'cause you got nothing else
going on, whatever.

I'm sure you didn't
expect to be doing

a shul gig tonight,
but, uh...

here you are.

Maybe you need to be having
this conversation with us.

Maybe it's God
reaching out to you.

No pressure,
just be open to it.

Rabbi:
Okay, if everybody could find a seat,

First of all, I want
to remind everybody

let's silence
your cell phones,

and no flash photography
at today's event.

Um, all right, so before
we start, uh, today's comedy show,

as many of you are aware,
Leon Schwartz passed away

earlier this week
from colon cancer.

Uh, his family will be sitting
shiva all week at their home.

So who's ready for some comedy?

(applause)

I can think of no better way
to celebrate Leon's life,

to honor him, but to celebrate
and have a few laughs.

Can we do that?
I think we can.

Now-- now Elon and Modi

were here three years ago,

and people are still
talking about it.

So it is my pleasure
to welcome them back.

Take it away, Modi!

(applause)

(cheers)

Thank you, Rabbi.
(clears throat)

Colon cancer!

-That's how
you bring me up here. -(laughter)

There goes my colonoscopy joke.
Shot to Hell!

And those of you, you know
that the laws of burial--

In the Jewish religion
when somebody dies,

we bury them right away.
Whoosh! In the ground.

There's no messing around. Bam!

It's not gonna get
any better, is it?

In Florida, when the old people
take a nap, they wake up,

"No! No!

Put the shovel away!
What's wrong with you?"

It's, uh... it's wonderful
to be here.

Thanks for having me.
Obviously, I'm your guest.

I'm not... I'm not Jewish.

I don't know if you can tell
by looking at... everything.

-(laughter)
-Just all of this.

I'm six-foot, six.
I kind of look like

Goliath if he went
to prep school.

Does that make sense?

I see a lot of empty seats.

-Are you all saving a seat
for Elijah? Or is that... -(laughter)

-(chuckles)
-He's good.

I do know a lot
about the Old Testament,

or as you guys call it,

-the whole story.
-(laughter)

I think we should
get along more.

Jews and Christians
should get along.

My book is 70 percent
your book.

We agree on most of my book.

We just differ on the ending.

(laughter)

It's like Lord of the Rings.
We both agree on Fellowship of the Ring.

We all love the Two Towers.

We just love
Return of the King, and you guys are like,

"Wrong king!"

What else? Um...

You guys get a bad rap
for being unathletic.

I don't understand that.
You've been athletic

for thousands of years.

Moses climbed a mountain
to talk to God.

Folks, God is everywhere.

This guy's going
on an elective hike

just because he gets a few
more bars up in the hills.

That's commitment!

Then God gives him
the Ten Commandments.

Does he write it down?

No, he chisels it!

In heavy stone!

He made those commandments
nice and smooth, baby.

That's a man's man!
That takes grit!

And then he hiked down,
holding the weights.

That's weight-training, folks.
That's CrossFit.

Then he gets down, is he tired?
He's not tired.

He still has enough chutzpah
to kick over a golden calf.

That's right, chutzpah!

I googled a lot of this.

I kugel-ed it.

(laughing)

Um...

-Oh my God, she showed up.
-Oh, wow.

I hope this shul doesn't
have a dressing room.

Well, we definitely
have a bathroom.

I was honored
to get this gig.

It came through an e-mail.

Actually, an e-mohel.

(laughing)

That's an e-mail,
but they cut off the subject.

Some people say it's cruel,
but it's tradition.

(laughter)

Thank you guys very much.
This was wonderful!

I really appreciate it.

Have a good night!

And keep it going for
the very funny Elon Gold!

Everybody, Elon Gold!

(cheers and applause)

Here's what I love
about Judaism.

Judaism is the only religion

that doesn't try to recruit
new members. Yeah.

Probably 'cause we know
we can't get any.

I mean, what's the selling point
there, exactly, right?

(whispering):
Sorry, can I... squeeze in?

Elon:
Tired of that excess flap of skin on your schmeckle?

-Hi.
-Hey.

-I know.
-I thought you had a bachelorette party.

I just wanted to see you.

I wanted to see you live.

Want to stop eating
three of the most

delicious foods on the planet?

Bacon, cheeseburgers,
and bacon double-cheeseburgers?

Or perhaps you're ready
to give up eating altogether,

and would enjoy partaking in one
of our numerous fast days?

Well, then, Judaism's
just for you.

No, I'm happy to be here,
very happy to be here.

-Woman: Wonderful.
-Thank you, guys.

-Good night.
-Thank you.

-Thank you.
-Thanks, guys.

So where's your lady friend?

She's smoking a cigarette,
I think. I don't know.

I can't believe
she showed up.

-Yeah, she surprised me.
-Mm.

Good night.
Nice to meet you.

-There she is!
-Uh-oh!

-My boys!
Oh, you were wonderful! -Thank you.

-And, Pete.
-Oh.

I think you have a real future
in the religious markets.

-Really?
-And I know people.

So I'm gonna make
a call for you.

Oh, my God, that would
be amazing. Thank you.

See?
Gam Zu L'Tova,

everything happens
for a reason.

-Thank you, guys.
-Good times!

-Good, good.
-You don't even know how much I needed this.

This... this felt really
natural. It was great.

Oh, uh, the rabbi.
I spoke to him about you.

-The rabbi?
-Yeah, yeah. He's a brilliant guy.

Like, you know,
not just religion.

He's studied philosophy,
psychiatry.

He's like
a spiritual genius.

Anyway, I told him
about our conversation, and that you were--

I didn't say, "lost,"
but I said, I don't know,

-He's "questioning
and grappling." -Yeah, yeah.

He said he would love
to sit down with you.

When?

Now.

-He wants to talk now?
-Yeah.

You should meet with the rabbi.
It's a big deal.

It's like getting
a table at Il Mulino's.

I think he could
give you some clarity.

-Absolutely.
-Cool.

-Uh-oh!
-Hey, you had a good laugh, Herb?

? ?

? ?

So, where is Pete?

? ?

? Don't look at me ?

? It's way too soon to see ?

? What's gonna be ?

? Don't look at me ?

? All my life ?

? I never knew ?

? What I could be,
what I could do ?

? Then we were new ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? You came along ?

? And made my life a song ?

? One lucky day,
you came along ?

? Just in time ?

? Well, I was searching
for a rock ?

? You came along,
then we were new ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

? We can do what we want ?

? We can live as we choose ?

? You see there's
no guarantee ?

? We got nothing to lose ?

? Don't look at me ?

? I can't deny the truth ?

? It's plain to see,
don't look at me ?

? All my life ?

? I never knew ?

? What I could be,
what I could do ?

? Then we were new ?

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ?

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