All language subtitles for Crashing (US) - 03x06 - The Viewing Party.METCON-ION10.English.C.orig.Addic7ed.com

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:02,290 I'm seeing someone. 2 00:00:02,291 --> 00:00:03,332 Someone I met at work. 3 00:00:03,333 --> 00:00:05,330 - Is he your boss? - No, he's right here. 4 00:00:05,340 --> 00:00:06,840 Ted, this is Pete. 5 00:00:06,860 --> 00:00:08,541 Did you tell him about Seth Meyers? 6 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:09,791 - Shit. - He's so great. 7 00:00:09,792 --> 00:00:12,454 Yeah. Dreamy. I'm talking about Seth Myers. 8 00:00:12,455 --> 00:00:13,960 You got... You're doing late night? 9 00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:16,179 Okay, let's go meet your parents. 10 00:00:16,180 --> 00:00:17,189 Who's this? 11 00:00:17,190 --> 00:00:19,289 Remember the weekend that I worked in New Jersey? 12 00:00:19,290 --> 00:00:20,800 - She was there. - Hey. 13 00:00:20,810 --> 00:00:22,300 - And what am I gonna... - And you stayed in the same condo? 14 00:00:22,310 --> 00:00:24,040 Can we talk about this later? 15 00:00:25,291 --> 00:00:27,499 - Hello! - Hi! 16 00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:30,079 - I wanna know what you think. - Well, are you wearing a bra? 17 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,180 - Is that your business? - Mom. 18 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:34,369 It's my business when you're sitting next to me in church. 19 00:00:34,370 --> 00:00:35,560 We're outta here. We're going. 20 00:00:35,625 --> 00:00:37,542 I'm really sorry, and I love you. 21 00:00:37,543 --> 00:00:38,550 I love you too. 22 00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:46,020 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 23 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,580 The judges were in total agreement 24 00:00:48,583 --> 00:00:51,666 as to who should be our star baker. 25 00:00:51,667 --> 00:00:53,457 Kitty, I'm gonna get going. 26 00:00:53,458 --> 00:00:55,624 What? Wait, wait, wait. Where are you going? 27 00:00:55,625 --> 00:00:58,374 Remember? Ali did stand-up on Seth Meyers? 28 00:00:58,375 --> 00:01:00,791 Some comics are gonna get together and watch. 29 00:01:00,792 --> 00:01:02,332 Oh, no, I'm so sleepy. 30 00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:04,541 I don't think I can go out tonight. 31 00:01:04,542 --> 00:01:06,290 - Sorry. - That's okay. 32 00:01:06,291 --> 00:01:07,791 It's... It's just kinda... 33 00:01:07,792 --> 00:01:10,360 It's like a comic thing. Just a me thing. 34 00:01:10,583 --> 00:01:12,249 Oh, I'm not invited? 35 00:01:12,250 --> 00:01:13,559 No, of course you're invited. 36 00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:16,416 - You're invited. - It sounds like I'm not invited. 37 00:01:16,417 --> 00:01:19,457 No, I... Kitty, I barely want to go. 38 00:01:19,458 --> 00:01:22,290 I just felt weird, you know, not saying yes. 39 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,833 - Okay. - I hope it's not... 40 00:01:24,834 --> 00:01:28,499 You don't still feel weird about Ali and me and the road or... 41 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:30,499 No, Pete. I don't hate Ali. 42 00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:33,140 I just... If you're gonna hang out with your ex-girlfriend, 43 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,740 I would like to know about it 44 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:36,760 in advance, because that was weird. 45 00:01:36,770 --> 00:01:40,041 If it... Yeah. 46 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,100 I don't have to go. 47 00:01:42,140 --> 00:01:43,449 No, it sounds like you should go. 48 00:01:43,450 --> 00:01:45,980 It sounds like you wanna go and it'll be fun. 49 00:01:46,208 --> 00:01:49,290 Okay. 50 00:01:49,291 --> 00:01:51,207 - Do you want to come? - Do you want me to come? 51 00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:53,417 I want you to come with me if you want to come with me. 52 00:01:53,418 --> 00:01:56,300 Do you... If... Just, do you want to? 53 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:59,870 Well, I don't want to come if you don't, like, want me to come. 54 00:01:59,875 --> 00:02:01,659 You're invited, yes. 55 00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:03,800 I want you to go if you want to go. 56 00:02:03,860 --> 00:02:05,439 Is it gonna be fun? 57 00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:08,619 Yes. Yeah! I think so. 58 00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:11,059 Just a bunch of comedians in a comedy club 59 00:02:11,060 --> 00:02:14,500 talking about comedy, that's fun. 60 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:15,900 What's more fun than that? 61 00:02:17,458 --> 00:02:19,624 - Okay, I'll come. - Great! 62 00:02:19,625 --> 00:02:22,874 - Let me just change. - Okay. 63 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,409 Maybe this is a mistake. 64 00:02:30,410 --> 00:02:31,620 - What? - What? 65 00:02:31,630 --> 00:02:34,083 This whole party thing just feels really excessive. 66 00:02:34,084 --> 00:02:35,159 - No. - Right? 67 00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:36,259 To, like, do it at The Cellar? 68 00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:37,660 We could just watch it at my apartment. 69 00:02:37,667 --> 00:02:40,249 Stop it. You need to start to learn how to celebrate yourself. 70 00:02:40,250 --> 00:02:42,332 You know, part of being an empowered woman 71 00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:45,582 is unapologetically showing the world how much you matter. 72 00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:48,541 - Thank you! - Oh, then I wore that dress! 73 00:02:48,542 --> 00:02:50,719 I never wear dresses to do stand-up, 74 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,499 and then I suddenly decided that was the move 75 00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:53,791 for national television. 76 00:02:53,792 --> 00:02:55,369 Oh, that's what you do! 77 00:02:55,370 --> 00:02:57,980 Don't you want to look great when you're on a date with destiny? 78 00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:01,380 That's why you'd wear a dress. 79 00:03:01,450 --> 00:03:03,780 How did you know this was happening? 80 00:03:03,950 --> 00:03:05,760 I got my sources. 81 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:07,332 Pete told you? 82 00:03:07,333 --> 00:03:08,958 Yeah, he's a satisfied client of mine. 83 00:03:08,959 --> 00:03:10,958 Listen, Ali, everyone is here to support you. 84 00:03:10,959 --> 00:03:13,541 - Come on, this is a big night! - This is your night! 85 00:03:13,542 --> 00:03:15,705 It's not that big of a deal, guys, really. 86 00:03:15,706 --> 00:03:16,940 Well, you know, it could be. 87 00:03:16,980 --> 00:03:19,499 With the right help, with the right support system, 88 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,582 you could take this and turn it into something big. 89 00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:23,582 You're gonna need somebody on your team, okay? 90 00:03:23,583 --> 00:03:25,290 You can't represent yourself. 91 00:03:25,291 --> 00:03:27,415 What if Whitney Houston sang "The Star-Spangled Banner" 92 00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,640 and nobody told anybody about it? 93 00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,165 What if Prince did the halftime show at the Super Bowl 94 00:03:31,166 --> 00:03:33,499 and nobody ever saw it? Where would we be now? 95 00:03:33,500 --> 00:03:35,873 I don't really think managers do as much 96 00:03:35,874 --> 00:03:38,180 - as you think managers do. - But they could. 97 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,291 I could introduce you to Scott Disick. 98 00:03:40,292 --> 00:03:41,680 I just met him at a rave. 99 00:03:41,700 --> 00:03:43,082 All right. 100 00:03:43,083 --> 00:03:45,499 I had a heart attack in February, and, um, 101 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:46,840 I don't even like the fact that 102 00:03:46,850 --> 00:03:48,124 I have to tell people I had a heart attack. 103 00:03:48,125 --> 00:03:50,165 Like, I wish, you know, I'm supposed to be famous, 104 00:03:50,166 --> 00:03:53,666 you know, but it's, like, I'm famous but nobody knows. 105 00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:56,833 Like, I'm famous but nobody cares. That's been my problem. 106 00:03:56,834 --> 00:03:59,050 I'm famous, but I've been famous too many times back 107 00:03:59,060 --> 00:04:01,160 and then unfamous and then famous again. 108 00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:04,082 And after a while, people are just over it, unfortunately. 109 00:04:04,083 --> 00:04:06,124 Like, in this neighborhood... true story... 110 00:04:06,125 --> 00:04:08,332 these guys were bringing a couch up a stoop, like, 111 00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:10,499 and they recognized me, knew my name, 'cause I'm famous. 112 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:13,373 Guy goes, "Colin Quinn... " he starts dropping his... 113 00:04:13,374 --> 00:04:16,640 "Grab the other end for a second." 114 00:04:16,709 --> 00:04:18,541 That's not how you speak to famous people, folks. 115 00:04:18,542 --> 00:04:20,834 You understand? You're supposed to be a little reverent. 116 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:24,199 Nobody's ever like, "Hey, Rihanna, you got jumper cables?" 117 00:04:27,420 --> 00:04:29,659 - Is that her? - Yeah. 118 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:32,560 - She's not mousy! - Shh, don't say that. 119 00:04:32,709 --> 00:04:35,332 - Hi, Ali! Hi! - Oh, my God. Hey, hi! 120 00:04:35,333 --> 00:04:37,873 - So nice to finally meet you. - So nice to meet you! 121 00:04:37,874 --> 00:04:39,100 - It's Kat? - Yes! 122 00:04:39,110 --> 00:04:40,160 - Yes, hi. - Hi! 123 00:04:40,170 --> 00:04:41,749 I was worried I was hugging a stranger. 124 00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:44,690 - No, this is Kat. Hi, hi. - Hi, hi. You are Pete. 125 00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:46,370 - Still Pete, yes. - Yes. Pete in a hat. 126 00:04:46,375 --> 00:04:47,999 - How did it go? - It was good. 127 00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,299 - Good? Great? - Yeah, it was... 128 00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:51,499 Yeah, I think it was great. I mean, I don't know. 129 00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:53,580 it was either good or bad, we'll see when it airs. 130 00:04:53,700 --> 00:04:55,520 No, you're a stand-up comedian! 131 00:04:55,550 --> 00:04:56,679 Like, that is so crazy! 132 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,249 - That is so cool! - Yeah. 133 00:04:58,250 --> 00:05:00,040 - Congrats! - It is crazy. 134 00:05:00,041 --> 00:05:02,409 You had a dream and it came true. 135 00:05:02,410 --> 00:05:05,560 - Oh, well, yeah. Guess that's... - How amazing is that? 136 00:05:05,750 --> 00:05:07,749 - That's crazy. - Yeah. 137 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,449 Um, you guys are tall! 138 00:05:10,450 --> 00:05:12,680 I'm like craning my neck to look at you. 139 00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:15,480 - Yeah. - You're both very tall and blonde, 140 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:18,916 and the half-Jewish part of me is scared. 141 00:05:18,917 --> 00:05:21,749 - Don't hurt me. - Ah! 142 00:05:21,750 --> 00:05:24,300 - We're very open-minded. Yeah. 143 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:28,860 Yeah, well, we don't want to bother you. 144 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,958 What? Oh, hi, hi. 145 00:05:30,959 --> 00:05:34,332 - I got you a drink. - Oh, thank you. Thanks! 146 00:05:34,333 --> 00:05:36,207 - Pete. - Ted. 147 00:05:36,208 --> 00:05:38,730 - It's Ted. - Wait, you're so tall. 148 00:05:38,740 --> 00:05:40,290 You were giving us shit about being tall, 149 00:05:40,291 --> 00:05:42,040 - but he's so tall. - He is. 150 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,949 - What the fuck? - She's, uh, three talls. 151 00:05:43,950 --> 00:05:46,100 Oh, my God. I'm surrounded. 152 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:47,700 That's so cute. 153 00:05:47,709 --> 00:05:50,207 I want to say hi to Estee in case she leaves. 154 00:05:50,208 --> 00:05:52,165 - Okay, cool. - So I'll be right back. 155 00:05:52,166 --> 00:05:53,873 - Cool. - I'm just gonna get this out of the way. 156 00:05:53,874 --> 00:05:55,159 - Yeah, yeah. - We'll just hang out. 157 00:05:55,160 --> 00:05:57,860 - Okay, fine. - Compare notes. 158 00:05:57,917 --> 00:06:00,207 Ninety percent of people that kill really hard, 159 00:06:00,208 --> 00:06:01,833 there's something hacky going on. 160 00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:05,619 Interesting. 161 00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:08,019 If you're killing for an hour, you're hacking? 162 00:06:08,020 --> 00:06:09,320 - If you're getting... - No. 163 00:06:09,417 --> 00:06:11,874 ... every moron in the crowd cackling, 164 00:06:11,875 --> 00:06:13,409 falling over their set for an hour, 165 00:06:13,410 --> 00:06:15,540 I guarantee there's a lot of hack stuff going on in there. 166 00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:18,332 - I disagree. - Estee, damn it! 167 00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:20,699 Hey! 168 00:06:20,700 --> 00:06:23,320 Then all you need just to play the devil's advocate. 169 00:06:23,380 --> 00:06:25,580 Sorry. Hi, Estee. I'm Pete. 170 00:06:25,583 --> 00:06:29,958 - Hi. I know who you are. - Oh. Um... 171 00:06:29,959 --> 00:06:32,499 I just wanted to say hi to everybody. Wayne. 172 00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,666 - Good to see you, brother. - Good to see you. 173 00:06:34,667 --> 00:06:35,999 Dildo dude with the dumb hat. 174 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,760 - Dildo dude with the dumb hat. - Yes! 175 00:06:37,770 --> 00:06:39,219 That's my website dot net. 176 00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:40,833 - Take that off. - Dot com was taken. 177 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,374 This is Colin Quinn, by the way. 178 00:06:42,375 --> 00:06:44,708 - Hey! Really nice to meet you. - Hey. 179 00:06:44,709 --> 00:06:47,099 Um, some of us, I don't know if you noticed, 180 00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:50,620 we're getting together to have a screening party for my friend Ali. 181 00:06:50,625 --> 00:06:52,124 She's doing Seth Meyers tonight. 182 00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:54,582 - Do you know Ali? She's wonderful. - No. 183 00:06:54,583 --> 00:06:57,163 She's beautiful, she's funny, she's charismatic. 184 00:06:57,164 --> 00:06:59,720 - She's going places. - She's great, she's great. 185 00:06:59,870 --> 00:07:02,680 Well, I'll be at the bar. 186 00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:04,874 That guy's got little dick energy. 187 00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:07,110 I know the struggle. 188 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,950 Because when my dad first came to America, 189 00:07:08,959 --> 00:07:11,290 he used to think the solution from getting deported, 190 00:07:11,291 --> 00:07:13,499 just pretend you're not Haitian. 191 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,207 That was his solution if immigration ever come up to you. 192 00:07:16,208 --> 00:07:17,917 "You Haitian?" "No, you crazy. 193 00:07:17,918 --> 00:07:20,540 I'm not Haitian." 194 00:07:20,550 --> 00:07:22,409 "Uh-oh. 195 00:07:22,410 --> 00:07:25,500 "I've been in America five years all my life. 196 00:07:26,700 --> 00:07:30,140 Why you... Why you say that? Who... Who tell you that?" 197 00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:37,860 I'm really proud of you for tonight. 198 00:07:37,940 --> 00:07:39,540 Thanks, Dad. 199 00:07:39,542 --> 00:07:41,207 I mean it. 200 00:07:41,208 --> 00:07:44,791 Nobody works as hard as you. It's nice to see it pay off. 201 00:07:44,792 --> 00:07:47,082 It's inspiring. I'm happy to see that, 202 00:07:47,083 --> 00:07:48,800 you know, the good guys win. 203 00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:51,082 Can you do me a favor? 204 00:07:51,083 --> 00:07:54,582 If the set sucks, will you just tell me, please? 205 00:07:54,583 --> 00:07:57,490 Because, well, Ted's just gonna tell me it's great 206 00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:58,999 no matter what because he loves me. 207 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,470 Yeah, it's not gonna suck. It's gonna be... 208 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,910 I mean it. I could go up on stage and vomit and do a curtsey, 209 00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:07,041 and Ted would be like, "Awesome closer, babe!" 210 00:08:07,042 --> 00:08:09,760 Except, he doesn't call it the closer. 211 00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:11,080 He calls it the finale. 212 00:08:11,083 --> 00:08:13,791 - Like a fireworks display? - Yeah. 213 00:08:13,792 --> 00:08:16,249 I'm gonna start using that. 214 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:23,579 Can you... Will you excuse me for just one second? 215 00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:27,340 - Oh. Yeah. - Sort of worlds colliding. 216 00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:29,740 Okay. 217 00:08:29,750 --> 00:08:31,119 I went shopping for a dress, 218 00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,457 and so he like came into the dressing room with me. 219 00:08:34,458 --> 00:08:37,165 Whoa, it's like two naked Big Birds. 220 00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:39,916 - That's exactly what it looks like! - What? 221 00:08:39,917 --> 00:08:42,999 Hi. 222 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,374 - Hello! - What's going on? 223 00:08:45,375 --> 00:08:47,124 I'm just telling them about how we met. 224 00:08:47,125 --> 00:08:49,490 - Not all the details? - Not yet! 225 00:08:49,500 --> 00:08:51,849 Not all of them, but some important ones were told. 226 00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:52,874 - Yes. - Uh-huh. 227 00:08:52,875 --> 00:08:54,165 And it was just getting good. 228 00:08:54,166 --> 00:08:57,124 In fact, um, was it good for you? 229 00:08:57,125 --> 00:08:59,082 Ah! 230 00:08:59,083 --> 00:09:01,290 I just want to know. 231 00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:03,666 Um, tonight, not about that. 232 00:09:03,667 --> 00:09:05,499 It's about Ali, so... 233 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:07,623 Pete, don't be embarrassed. You're sexy. 234 00:09:07,624 --> 00:09:10,220 - You... You are sexy, Pete. - You are sexy. 235 00:09:10,230 --> 00:09:12,541 Like, own it, man. Own that sexiness. 236 00:09:12,542 --> 00:09:15,000 - Yeah, you got that swerve. - Yeah, man. 237 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:16,708 This is great. 238 00:09:16,709 --> 00:09:18,623 Not that good, Pete. 239 00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,160 Seriously though? Seriously, 240 00:09:20,170 --> 00:09:22,499 I was gonna get a drink, and it looks like 241 00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,369 maybe you'd like a sparkling water? 242 00:09:25,370 --> 00:09:27,500 - Do you want a... - No, can you get me another one? 243 00:09:27,540 --> 00:09:28,860 Why don't you come with me? 244 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,040 - No! - She's staying. 245 00:09:32,041 --> 00:09:34,457 - But I want to hang out with them. - I wanna have fun with you. 246 00:09:34,458 --> 00:09:36,659 Let's... Come on, we'll get a drink together. 247 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,660 Petey, just let me... I'm gonna stay here, okay? 248 00:09:38,667 --> 00:09:40,539 - She's staying. - Yeah, you always get her. 249 00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:41,759 - I'm... - Take your time, man. 250 00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,660 - Let her stay here. - Oh, yeah! 251 00:09:44,410 --> 00:09:47,020 - Thank you. I love you. - Thanks for drinks. 252 00:09:47,050 --> 00:09:49,416 I had sex at a job fair. 253 00:09:49,417 --> 00:09:51,165 Whoa! 254 00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,666 - At which table? - In the bathroom. 255 00:09:53,667 --> 00:09:56,666 In the bathroom? What, like a union man? 256 00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,374 Not a union man. 257 00:09:58,375 --> 00:10:01,165 He was handing out pamphlets for the Walmart. 258 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:05,420 - Hi, can I get a shot please? - Peter! 259 00:10:06,542 --> 00:10:07,909 - Hi. - What? 260 00:10:07,910 --> 00:10:09,760 What are you doing here? 261 00:10:09,770 --> 00:10:11,040 Ali invited us. 262 00:10:11,050 --> 00:10:13,280 Her and Jess are like super pals since the roast. 263 00:10:13,458 --> 00:10:15,999 - Jess is here? - Yeah. 264 00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,165 God, that's fucking weird, man. 265 00:10:18,166 --> 00:10:19,874 What is weird? 266 00:10:19,875 --> 00:10:22,199 My ex-girlfriend, my current girlfriend, 267 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:24,200 and now my ex-wife are all in the same place, 268 00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:26,082 that's weird. 269 00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:29,390 Cut the negativity, man. That's awesome! 270 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,250 You're talking about three women that you've shared love with. 271 00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:36,250 That's a beautiful thing. How are you whining about that? 272 00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:39,790 Don't make this about you. It's about Ali. 273 00:10:39,792 --> 00:10:42,914 And one day, you'll be up there performing on Star Search, 274 00:10:42,915 --> 00:10:46,040 and you'll get three and three-quarter stars, and you'll win, 275 00:10:46,050 --> 00:10:48,457 and Sinbad will be the one frowning that day. 276 00:10:48,458 --> 00:10:53,374 And we'll all be here on your side, laughing for you. 277 00:10:53,375 --> 00:10:56,333 You got rid of your TV a long time ago, huh? 278 00:10:56,334 --> 00:10:59,900 No, I just moved to a place without any electricity. 279 00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:04,290 What's all this, Wil? 280 00:11:04,291 --> 00:11:06,417 Oh, Ali Reissen doing Seth Meyers. 281 00:11:06,418 --> 00:11:07,580 Ali who? 282 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:09,329 Ali... Ali Reissen. 283 00:11:09,330 --> 00:11:10,740 I've never seen her my entire life. 284 00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:13,020 She's doing Seth fucking Meyers, 285 00:11:13,083 --> 00:11:15,339 and it's like... it's like an open mic now? 286 00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:16,830 - What's the matter? She's funny. - I mean, they just 287 00:11:16,834 --> 00:11:19,039 - take anybody now. - It's not my fault you... 288 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,290 No, I didn't know. I thought it was gonna keep coming. 289 00:11:21,291 --> 00:11:24,040 And now with all this diversity... you're diverse, 290 00:11:24,041 --> 00:11:25,874 you can barely talk, you know what I mean? 291 00:11:25,875 --> 00:11:28,332 You still got a fucking accent and you've been here like 50 years. 292 00:11:28,333 --> 00:11:30,958 I mean, come on. I mean, seriously. Are you playing it? 293 00:11:30,959 --> 00:11:34,250 Can you talk normal and you're just doing it to get a special? 294 00:11:34,300 --> 00:11:36,740 It's not my fault you're using whiteness in the wrong way. 295 00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,624 - That's not my fault. - I know, I know, I know. 296 00:11:38,625 --> 00:11:40,319 I should've been an agent or something. 297 00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,950 All this whiteness and it got you nowhere. 298 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,409 Look at this guy. This guy will get a fucking special before me. 299 00:11:44,410 --> 00:11:46,340 - Because he's black? - No, 'cause he's diverse. 300 00:11:46,458 --> 00:11:48,458 Hey, you guys, it's about to start! 301 00:11:48,459 --> 00:11:50,080 Um, hi? Hi, excuse me. 302 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,039 Do you mind just putting on NBC, please? 303 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:53,140 Seth Meyers is about to begin. 304 00:11:53,375 --> 00:11:55,119 Thanks. 305 00:11:55,120 --> 00:11:58,560 From 30 Rockefeller Plaza in New York... 306 00:11:58,580 --> 00:12:00,999 You recorded this this afternoon? You taped this afternoon? 307 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,499 - Today, yeah. - And now it's airing. 308 00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,249 This is the best time when you don't even know how it is. 309 00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:07,332 - No idea. - So exciting. How do you feel? 310 00:12:07,333 --> 00:12:08,833 Kind of freaking out. 311 00:12:08,834 --> 00:12:11,040 Sure, 'cause everything you do lives forever. 312 00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:13,208 - That's the scary part about doing TV. - Oh, God. 313 00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:14,699 I did Crocodile Dundee 2, 314 00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:15,874 - you ever heard of it? - Mm-mm. 315 00:12:15,875 --> 00:12:18,165 Well, anyway, it was better than one, a lot of people said. 316 00:12:18,166 --> 00:12:20,541 But it's, you know, people troll you online. 317 00:12:20,542 --> 00:12:22,457 "Hey fatso. Hey stupid." 318 00:12:22,458 --> 00:12:23,958 - You know, forever. - Oh, God. 319 00:12:23,959 --> 00:12:26,249 So he's in that. I'm in Legally Blonde. 320 00:12:26,250 --> 00:12:28,460 Little kids come up to me and they're like, "I know you! 321 00:12:28,470 --> 00:12:31,165 You got Elle Woods into Harvard." 322 00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,999 It's fantastic. But other times, like, 323 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,123 you Google my name, guess what comes up? 324 00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:37,599 Not Legally Blonde. My evening at the Improv. 325 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,165 - Huh. - Didn't go well. 326 00:12:39,166 --> 00:12:42,040 I wore a pirate's jacket on a half-hour comedy special. 327 00:12:42,041 --> 00:12:43,833 - Yeah. - It wasn't my best look, a mullet. 328 00:12:43,834 --> 00:12:45,916 People, to this day, act like I was Harvey Weinstein. 329 00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,999 - Oh, God. - It was a bad fashion choice. 330 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,749 - Yeah. Forever. - Right, right. Yeah. 331 00:12:49,750 --> 00:12:51,541 Yeah, here's the crazy thing. In the future, 332 00:12:51,542 --> 00:12:53,490 you're gonna realize this is probably a terrible set, 333 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:55,160 because you get better as a comedian. 334 00:12:55,166 --> 00:12:57,207 And you're like, "Oh, now I know how to do those jokes. 335 00:12:57,208 --> 00:12:59,833 Now I know how not to look panicked on television. 336 00:12:59,834 --> 00:13:02,874 Yeah, our point is, congratulations. 337 00:13:02,875 --> 00:13:04,416 - You're in the club now. - Cool! 338 00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:06,249 You know how many people want to do comedy? 339 00:13:06,250 --> 00:13:08,624 And they don't ever get on television? 340 00:13:08,625 --> 00:13:10,666 I'm just gonna... I'll be right back. 341 00:13:10,667 --> 00:13:12,457 Okay. It's exciting. 342 00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:15,165 - Yeah. - Yeah. I would never have a party, though. 343 00:13:15,166 --> 00:13:17,249 - No. No! - God, could you imagine? 344 00:13:37,660 --> 00:13:39,700 What's up? Are you freaking out? 345 00:13:39,917 --> 00:13:42,916 Yeah? What's... Why? 346 00:13:42,917 --> 00:13:45,207 I feel like I'm not gonna be great. 347 00:13:45,208 --> 00:13:47,299 - You're gonna be great. - No, no, no. I mean, 348 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,330 I'm afraid that I am just good. 349 00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:53,204 And there are a lot of people who are good, 350 00:13:53,205 --> 00:13:54,800 and I'm just gonna be another good. 351 00:13:54,860 --> 00:13:57,480 Okay. 352 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,999 - Do this. - What? 353 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,289 Do this with your body. 354 00:14:03,290 --> 00:14:05,520 - Is this a Jesus thing? - It's not a Jesus thing. 355 00:14:05,580 --> 00:14:07,249 It's a power stance. 356 00:14:07,250 --> 00:14:09,373 If you're feeling small and nervous, 357 00:14:09,374 --> 00:14:11,200 this tricks your body into feeling good. 358 00:14:11,333 --> 00:14:13,909 It works. I do it before shows. 359 00:14:15,840 --> 00:14:17,200 Can you feel it? 360 00:14:17,220 --> 00:14:18,958 - I can feel it. - Don't fucking lie to me. 361 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:20,417 - Can you feel it? - I can feel it! 362 00:14:20,418 --> 00:14:21,960 - Woo! - Woo! 363 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:25,820 I get it. I feel invincible. 364 00:14:25,950 --> 00:14:27,860 Can I get another one? 365 00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:32,290 - You here to see Ali? - What? 366 00:14:32,291 --> 00:14:34,625 - For the viewing? You here for that? - Oh, yeah. 367 00:14:34,626 --> 00:14:36,220 That's cool. Me, too. 368 00:14:39,860 --> 00:14:41,180 Wait, who are you? 369 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,749 That's so funny, 'cause I was just about to tell you 370 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,139 who I am. 371 00:14:45,140 --> 00:14:46,720 I'm Leif. 372 00:14:46,910 --> 00:14:48,740 Oh, you're Leif? 373 00:14:48,950 --> 00:14:50,080 Yeah. 374 00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:52,600 I'm Kat. I'm Pete's girlfriend. 375 00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:54,120 Oh, right. 376 00:14:54,125 --> 00:14:55,708 Yeah, I know all about you. 377 00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:58,165 You slept with Pete's wife and you ruined his marriage. 378 00:14:58,166 --> 00:15:00,082 Okay, yeah. Marriages die, Kat. 379 00:15:00,083 --> 00:15:03,040 But out of the ashes rose the beautiful phoenix 380 00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:05,541 of a lovely friendship. 381 00:15:05,542 --> 00:15:08,329 Does anybody buy your bullshit? 382 00:15:08,330 --> 00:15:10,000 I can't be the judge of that. 383 00:15:10,160 --> 00:15:11,900 - Jess! Hi! - Hey! 384 00:15:12,041 --> 00:15:13,659 This is Kat. 385 00:15:13,660 --> 00:15:16,020 Oh, it's so nice to meet you. 386 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,620 Oh, is it? 387 00:15:20,540 --> 00:15:22,320 I thought it was. 388 00:15:22,540 --> 00:15:26,240 She scared me so bad. 389 00:15:26,300 --> 00:15:29,660 - Oh. Oh. - My bones are ice. 390 00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:32,666 Kids are rough, 'cause they... 391 00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:34,979 It's a lot of responsibility. They don't have any money. 392 00:15:34,980 --> 00:15:37,219 I had to buy a bed. You know where I went to buy a bed? 393 00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:40,020 Bed, Bath, and Beyond. They don't sell beds at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. 394 00:15:40,875 --> 00:15:43,417 I was looking for a bed for half an hour at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, 395 00:15:43,418 --> 00:15:46,080 just walking around like a fucking idiot. 396 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:48,150 Finally I just asked the guy, I go, "Where are the beds?" 397 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,319 He goes, "We don't sell beds." 398 00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:50,699 I'm like, "It's Bed, Bath, and Beyond." 399 00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,700 He goes, "Yeah, we fucked up, you know," so... 400 00:15:54,166 --> 00:15:55,790 I'm like, "Is there even a Beyond?" 401 00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:58,160 He goes, "No, but we got a lot of chip clips." 402 00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,239 Next up, we have Saoirse Ronan, and later, 403 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,590 making her late-night television debut, comedian Ali Reissen! 404 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:09,040 Stick around, everybody. We'll be right back. 405 00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:15,749 Oh, my God, it's Emo Philips. 406 00:16:15,750 --> 00:16:17,340 Oh, my God. 407 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,660 - Nice to see you. - Oh, good to see you. 408 00:16:19,667 --> 00:16:22,082 Does he even play here? 409 00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:23,749 I didn't even think he lived in New York. 410 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:26,720 He looks like he lives in a tree. Who is that? 411 00:16:26,834 --> 00:16:29,541 Oh, he's the godfather of alt comedy. 412 00:16:29,542 --> 00:16:33,207 - What are you doing in town? - I just saw a Broadway show. 413 00:16:33,208 --> 00:16:36,833 - What'd you see? - Well, they didn't have a name, 414 00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:39,457 but I gave them a dollar. 415 00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:40,916 Oh. 416 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:44,249 His aura is both childlike and wise at the same time. 417 00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:46,760 He looks like he rode here on an umbrella. 418 00:16:46,770 --> 00:16:49,439 Hi, Emo. Oh, my goodness. 419 00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:50,791 So nice to see you. 420 00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,416 You look so good. 421 00:16:52,417 --> 00:16:54,582 Oh, right back at ya, hot mama. 422 00:16:54,583 --> 00:16:57,666 Oh, this is... It's cool that he's here. It's cool. 423 00:16:57,667 --> 00:17:01,290 - Right? Come on. - Oh, no. It's fine. No, no, no. 424 00:17:01,291 --> 00:17:03,999 Tonight is all about you. This is your night. 425 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,579 Thank you. It's totally fine. 426 00:17:05,580 --> 00:17:06,779 Do you think he's gonna go up? 427 00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:08,460 Fuck, I hope so. He's one of my favorite comics. 428 00:17:08,540 --> 00:17:10,000 - Really? - Yeah! 429 00:17:10,010 --> 00:17:12,666 I thought you were more like a Mike Epps guy. 430 00:17:12,667 --> 00:17:14,207 You know, I can like some real shit, man. 431 00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:16,124 - I'm not saying... - What the fuck is wrong with you? 432 00:17:16,125 --> 00:17:18,666 - Let's go see if he's doing something. - Actually, I would love that. 433 00:17:18,667 --> 00:17:20,208 - Come on, let's go. - Come on, let's check it out. 434 00:17:20,209 --> 00:17:22,160 - Oh, hello. - All right. 435 00:17:24,834 --> 00:17:27,165 Do you mind if I just go down and watch for one minute? 436 00:17:27,166 --> 00:17:28,582 Wait. You're leaving? 437 00:17:28,583 --> 00:17:30,415 Oh, come on. I just wanna watch, like, eight jokes. 438 00:17:30,416 --> 00:17:31,840 And I'll be right back up. Do you mind? 439 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:33,374 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go, go, go. 440 00:17:33,375 --> 00:17:36,082 - I want you to go. Okay. - I'll be right back. 441 00:17:36,083 --> 00:17:39,207 Actually, everybody who wants to go should just go, um... 442 00:17:39,208 --> 00:17:42,332 Ali, we're all here for you, this is all about you. 443 00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:44,123 Yeah, we don't care about Emu Philips. 444 00:17:44,124 --> 00:17:46,379 - Emo, see? Zero fucks. - Okay, Emo. 445 00:17:46,380 --> 00:17:47,580 - I don't... - We don't care. 446 00:17:48,792 --> 00:17:51,207 Okay, well, I'm... I'm just gonna see 447 00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:53,083 if he still does the voice bit. 448 00:17:53,084 --> 00:17:55,440 It's iconic, so... 449 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:58,329 Um, I'm not here to see Emo Philips. 450 00:17:58,330 --> 00:18:00,900 I'm here to turn you into Emo Philips. 451 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:05,860 Thank you, Kevin. I appreciate that. 452 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:11,080 It's so great to be back in New York City. 453 00:18:13,375 --> 00:18:18,039 I used to live here. Sometimes, I miss it so much 454 00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:22,100 I'll fill my humidifier with urine. 455 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,410 Women like courtesy on a date. 456 00:18:27,417 --> 00:18:28,909 That's so important. 457 00:18:28,910 --> 00:18:31,480 I got in trouble once on a date. 458 00:18:31,583 --> 00:18:35,749 I didn't open the car door for her. Ooh! 459 00:18:37,542 --> 00:18:40,916 Instead, I just swam for the surface. 460 00:18:44,583 --> 00:18:46,039 Hey, guys. 461 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:49,380 - Aren't you about to be on TV? - Eh, I got tired of waiting. 462 00:18:58,080 --> 00:18:59,860 She can't miss this! 463 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,940 I am excited about baseball season. 464 00:19:04,375 --> 00:19:07,909 I love baseball. Once, when I was a little boy, 465 00:19:07,910 --> 00:19:10,820 I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. 466 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,760 Both his arms were completely broken, 467 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,249 which is what gave me the courage. 468 00:19:24,790 --> 00:19:26,440 One more time... 469 00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:28,749 Emo Philips! 470 00:19:28,750 --> 00:19:31,332 That was a great set. 471 00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:33,499 - Oh, thank you. - You're great. 472 00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:35,666 - Yeah, that was amazing. - Oh, thank you. 473 00:19:35,667 --> 00:19:37,759 I was watching it, being like, 474 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,659 "I don't know if I'll ever be that good." 475 00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:41,559 - Oh, are you a comedian? - Yes. 476 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:42,833 - Oh! - Yeah. 477 00:19:42,834 --> 00:19:45,719 - I'm... I'm doing stand-up tonight. - Uh-huh. 478 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:47,899 I'm making my late-night debut on Seth Meyers. 479 00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:50,332 Oh, my first shot 480 00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:53,833 was Late Night with David Letterman, back in '84. 481 00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,623 Oh, yeah! I've seen that set. 482 00:19:55,624 --> 00:19:57,080 - Oh, thank you. - YouTube, yeah. 483 00:19:57,110 --> 00:20:00,542 I had a four-and-a-half minute set, and I'm not exaggerating, 484 00:20:00,543 --> 00:20:04,760 I must have rehearsed it in front of the mirror 485 00:20:04,780 --> 00:20:07,520 200 times afterwards. 486 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,332 That's the secret, preparation. 487 00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:12,699 - Just remember... - Yeah. 488 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:16,329 Chaplin can be Keaton, 489 00:20:16,330 --> 00:20:19,540 but the Marx Brothers cannot be the Stooges. 490 00:20:20,709 --> 00:20:23,834 - Hmm. - Ali, you're on! 491 00:20:24,220 --> 00:20:27,080 Okay. Thank you, Emo Philips. Okay. 492 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:28,749 I'm coming! 493 00:20:28,750 --> 00:20:30,249 Thank you, Emo Philips! 494 00:20:30,250 --> 00:20:31,860 I'm coming! I'm coming! 495 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:36,120 Oh, gosh, I-I sucked tonight. 496 00:20:36,140 --> 00:20:39,540 Tonight's guest is a very funny comedian making her late-night debut. 497 00:20:39,542 --> 00:20:42,333 Please welcome to the show Ali Reissen, everyone! 498 00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,619 - Hello! It's so good to be here! - Whoo! 499 00:20:51,620 --> 00:20:53,020 - Thank you for having me! - Shh! 500 00:20:53,040 --> 00:20:55,708 Um, I've been eating Paleo. 501 00:20:55,709 --> 00:20:57,374 Um, if you guys don't know what that is, 502 00:20:57,375 --> 00:21:00,791 that's where you eat the same thing dinosaurs eat, so... 503 00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:04,249 backstage I was snacking on Chris Pratt, and, um... 504 00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:07,207 he's very high in protein. 505 00:21:07,208 --> 00:21:10,332 I've been eating a lot. I've been eating a lot lately. 506 00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:12,332 Like, the other day, I ate so much, 507 00:21:12,333 --> 00:21:15,699 my friend was like, "Ali, you have a food baby." 508 00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:19,480 I was like, "No, Denise. I have a gut, you know?" 509 00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:21,708 - She's funny. - Yeah. 510 00:21:21,709 --> 00:21:23,833 The only time it would be cool to have a food baby 511 00:21:23,834 --> 00:21:25,374 is if you got treated the same way 512 00:21:25,375 --> 00:21:28,374 as someone pregnant with a regular baby, right? 513 00:21:28,375 --> 00:21:30,708 Like, somebody gives up their seat to you on the subway. 514 00:21:30,709 --> 00:21:32,375 They're like, "Oh, my God. What are you having?" 515 00:21:32,376 --> 00:21:34,059 You're like, "Had... carnitas with guac. 516 00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,260 Yeah, it's really emotional." 517 00:21:36,417 --> 00:21:38,409 - I like her dress. - Shh! 518 00:21:38,410 --> 00:21:39,680 They're like, "Oh, you're glowing!" 519 00:21:39,690 --> 00:21:42,916 Do not fucking shush me. 520 00:21:42,917 --> 00:21:45,833 It's almost over. Let's talk after. 521 00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:49,082 I was gonna say that I like her dress. 522 00:21:49,083 --> 00:21:51,666 - Yeah, okay. Just, shh, please. - Jesus fucking Christ, Pete. 523 00:21:51,667 --> 00:21:56,124 I'm sorry. Let's just talk in a minute. 524 00:21:56,125 --> 00:21:58,659 Things are good. Things are good in my life. 525 00:21:58,660 --> 00:21:59,920 My boyfriend and I, we just took 526 00:21:59,940 --> 00:22:01,910 our relationship to the next level. 527 00:22:01,917 --> 00:22:05,082 We broke up, and... 528 00:22:05,083 --> 00:22:07,079 She's so full of herself. 529 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:08,180 - Kitty. - What? 530 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,499 - She's right there. - She can't hear me. 531 00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:12,150 But it was still hot. Like, in bed, 532 00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:13,499 he'd be like, "Who's your daddy?" 533 00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:14,719 And I'd be like, "Where's your erection?" 534 00:22:14,720 --> 00:22:17,999 And it was just this total throw down. 535 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,291 He was like, "Are you close?" I'm like, "Are you in?" 536 00:22:23,780 --> 00:22:27,040 Is that joke about you? That's fucked up. 537 00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:29,290 Oh... no. I don't think so. 538 00:22:29,291 --> 00:22:31,833 She's got other boyfriends, ex-boyfriends. 539 00:22:31,834 --> 00:22:36,499 Every time we hooked up, his penis seemed surprised to be used. 540 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,833 Like, it had a real benchwarmer quality, you know? 541 00:22:39,834 --> 00:22:41,955 Like the underdog in every football movie 542 00:22:41,956 --> 00:22:44,499 who finally gets called in to play the big game. 543 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:47,207 He's like, "Who me, Coach?" 544 00:22:47,208 --> 00:22:49,124 He's like, "Yeah, you. We're down 40 points. 545 00:22:49,125 --> 00:22:51,124 Now get in here and make me proud!" 546 00:22:52,792 --> 00:22:55,457 That's it for me. I'm Ali Reissen. Thank you so much! 547 00:23:00,291 --> 00:23:02,792 Ali Reissen, everybody! We'll be right back! 548 00:23:02,793 --> 00:23:05,520 Oh, my God, it was so good! 549 00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:10,180 - It was incredible. - Really? 550 00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,940 Oh, my God, the finale... 551 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:15,960 I mean, the whole sketch was... it killed. 552 00:23:16,460 --> 00:23:18,499 - Excuse me, Steve Winwood. - Oh! 553 00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:20,165 Whoa! That was amazing! 554 00:23:20,166 --> 00:23:22,165 - Oh, my God. - So, so funny. So funny. 555 00:23:22,166 --> 00:23:23,664 - Really? - So great. Great! 556 00:23:23,665 --> 00:23:25,579 Ah, that means so much. Thank you. 557 00:23:25,580 --> 00:23:27,259 - We're talking... We're blown away. - We loved it. 558 00:23:27,260 --> 00:23:29,290 I would say the same thing, but it's better coming from him. 559 00:23:29,291 --> 00:23:31,249 He's a bigger star. It's better credits. 560 00:23:31,250 --> 00:23:33,123 Why does it have to be about that? Just a compliment... 561 00:23:33,124 --> 00:23:35,420 - Can't we just compliment her? - I'm done and she liked it. 562 00:23:35,540 --> 00:23:37,380 - Thank you. - Ali... 563 00:23:37,542 --> 00:23:38,833 You! 564 00:23:38,834 --> 00:23:40,666 - It was so good. Yes. - Was it really, though? 565 00:23:40,667 --> 00:23:42,541 - Tell me. Don't... don't you lie to me. - No, I'm not. 566 00:23:42,542 --> 00:23:44,040 - Don't you lie to my fucking face. - I'm not lying! 567 00:23:44,041 --> 00:23:46,374 I told you I'd tell you. It was incredible. 568 00:23:46,375 --> 00:23:48,374 - Really? - I can't believe that was your first time. 569 00:23:48,375 --> 00:23:50,834 - You're a natural. - I believe you. 570 00:23:56,250 --> 00:23:58,249 - You were so great. - Oh, thank you. 571 00:23:58,250 --> 00:24:00,082 Pete, can I talk to you for a second? 572 00:24:00,083 --> 00:24:01,457 I have one note. 573 00:24:01,458 --> 00:24:02,667 Thank you... 574 00:24:02,668 --> 00:24:05,320 I know everything that's going on. 575 00:24:05,340 --> 00:24:07,000 What? 576 00:24:07,050 --> 00:24:10,541 I see everything. 577 00:24:10,542 --> 00:24:11,874 It was amazing. 578 00:24:11,875 --> 00:24:14,458 Oh, my God. I'm so glad it's over! 579 00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,480 Oh, hey! 580 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:22,280 Hey. 581 00:24:22,380 --> 00:24:23,869 Hey. 582 00:24:29,790 --> 00:24:34,440 Was that, um, dick joke about Pete's dick? 583 00:24:34,583 --> 00:24:37,199 Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no. 584 00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:41,139 Um, I've actually encountered a lot of soft dicks in my day, so... 585 00:24:41,140 --> 00:24:43,700 Yeah, 'cause it seemed like it was about Pete's dick. 586 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,400 Mm-mm. 587 00:24:45,583 --> 00:24:47,409 Okay, 'cause with me, 588 00:24:47,410 --> 00:24:51,340 Pete's dick is always hard with me. 589 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:55,420 Congratulations on your achievement. 590 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:05,800 - Uh... what the fuck? - Oh, my God. 591 00:25:06,542 --> 00:25:08,541 - I'm like scared for Pete. - Yeah. 592 00:25:08,542 --> 00:25:10,120 I feel physically scared. 593 00:25:10,140 --> 00:25:12,082 She's going to break his heart. 594 00:25:12,083 --> 00:25:14,040 - She's going to annihilate him. - Yeah. 595 00:25:16,950 --> 00:25:18,399 Anyway, it's kind of fun thinking about 596 00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:19,409 how she's going to hurt him, but... 597 00:25:19,410 --> 00:25:22,200 We should totally hang out with her when they break up. 598 00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:29,499 Kitty, what are you doing? Hold on. 599 00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:31,330 - Stop it! Stop. - Come on. Stop. 600 00:25:31,360 --> 00:25:33,290 - You're in the street. - You fucking shushed me, Pete. 601 00:25:33,291 --> 00:25:36,499 You fucking shushed me, and I'm your girlfriend. 602 00:25:36,500 --> 00:25:39,630 I'm the one that's important, not your fucking ex-girlfriend 603 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,139 - who's on fucking TV. - Listen to me, hold on. 604 00:25:41,140 --> 00:25:44,708 You were talking during a very important stand-up set, okay? 605 00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,289 Tonight was about Ali, 606 00:25:46,290 --> 00:25:47,940 and you were... It's rude. 607 00:25:48,083 --> 00:25:49,659 - It's fucking rude. - I was rude? 608 00:25:49,660 --> 00:25:51,000 - Yes. - You know what's fucking rude 609 00:25:51,020 --> 00:25:55,979 is Ali telling a joke about you on national TV, in front of everyone. 610 00:25:55,980 --> 00:25:58,339 - You should be fucking humiliated. - You don't know that. 611 00:25:58,340 --> 00:26:00,999 You don't know it was about me. How do you know it was about me? 612 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,332 - It was about your dick. - I don't fucking lose enough erections 613 00:26:04,333 --> 00:26:07,100 for that to definitely be about me. You don't know that. 614 00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:12,040 Comics make jokes about people they care about. 615 00:26:12,041 --> 00:26:14,667 - That's what we do. - Oh, she cares about you. 616 00:26:14,668 --> 00:26:18,020 That's... That makes me feel so much better. 617 00:26:18,166 --> 00:26:19,914 I'm just gonna let you guys... 618 00:26:19,915 --> 00:26:21,719 I'll let you go, go back to her. 619 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:23,479 - Can I explain something to you right now? - No, bye. 620 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:26,791 You're my girlfriend, and you're making a drunken, crazy scene 621 00:26:26,792 --> 00:26:28,749 in front of a club, on a night that has nothing to do with you! 622 00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:30,582 So, if you tell jokes about the people you care about, 623 00:26:30,583 --> 00:26:34,040 then what do you... what jokes do you tell about me? 624 00:26:34,041 --> 00:26:36,207 I don't. I don't do jokes about you. 625 00:26:36,208 --> 00:26:37,874 Is that what you want? I don't do any jokes... 626 00:26:37,875 --> 00:26:39,499 - You're a fucking liar. - I don't do any jokes... 627 00:26:39,500 --> 00:26:40,999 - Tell me what jokes you tell. - Jesus. 628 00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:42,680 - Tell me what jokes you say about me. - No! 629 00:26:42,690 --> 00:26:44,833 I'm not doing my act for you in the road, 630 00:26:44,834 --> 00:26:46,958 - while you're making a scene. - Oh, you're not gonna do your shitty little act? 631 00:26:46,959 --> 00:26:48,919 Do it. You can't get into The Cellar. 632 00:26:48,920 --> 00:26:52,740 Tell me a fucking joke outside of The Cellar, Pete. 633 00:26:56,660 --> 00:26:58,920 My girlfriend loves dildos. 634 00:26:59,750 --> 00:27:01,519 Sometimes she says she's not in the mood, 635 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,119 and then I hear her sneak off into the bathroom 636 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:05,640 and it sounds like a helicopter leaving Saigon. 637 00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:11,874 Did you tell that joke while you were fucking her in New Jersey? 638 00:27:11,875 --> 00:27:14,749 I didn't... I didn't cheat on you. 639 00:27:14,750 --> 00:27:16,320 I've never... I've never even thought about cheating. 640 00:27:16,330 --> 00:27:19,780 I have eyeballs and I can see everything that's going on! 641 00:27:22,780 --> 00:27:25,940 I see everything! 642 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:32,260 - I know what's up, Pete. - What's up? 643 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,000 - What's up? What's up? - What's up? 644 00:27:35,010 --> 00:27:36,600 - What's up? - What's going on? 645 00:27:36,610 --> 00:27:40,439 Do you understand the words I'm saying right now? 646 00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:42,280 Jesus. 647 00:27:42,417 --> 00:27:43,833 What the fuck are you doing? 648 00:27:43,834 --> 00:27:45,165 What do you mean what the fuck am I doing? 649 00:27:45,166 --> 00:27:46,582 You can't do deaf... What are you... 650 00:27:46,583 --> 00:27:48,332 Why can't I do it, comedy police? 651 00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:50,220 Why can't I do fucking deaf voice? 652 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:52,180 You sound like a bully in an '80s movie. 653 00:27:52,370 --> 00:27:55,599 Well, you're... You suck! 654 00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:58,360 You're a shitty boyfriend. 655 00:27:59,500 --> 00:28:01,950 And you're an even shittier comic. 656 00:28:01,959 --> 00:28:04,207 Okay, can you get out of the street? 657 00:28:04,208 --> 00:28:06,499 - You're a shitty joke. - Can you get out of the street, please? 658 00:28:06,500 --> 00:28:08,959 You get out of the street! 659 00:28:09,080 --> 00:28:13,060 - Get on the fucking sidewalk. - I'll do what I want! 660 00:28:17,291 --> 00:28:19,791 Yo, Pete, man. You gotta get out of the street, dude. 661 00:28:19,792 --> 00:28:22,917 Yeah. I saw a guy got hit out here like two days ago. 662 00:28:22,918 --> 00:28:25,140 He's fucking dead. 663 00:28:25,170 --> 00:28:26,980 Yeah. 664 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:29,680 - Sorry. - Come on. 665 00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:32,860 Babe, you were so good tonight. 666 00:28:32,959 --> 00:28:36,040 Did you have fun, my pretty, pretty princess? 667 00:28:36,041 --> 00:28:37,699 - I did. - Good. 668 00:28:37,700 --> 00:28:40,920 Now, if I can just find the pin drop of where my car is. 669 00:28:40,930 --> 00:28:43,163 - Where'd you park? - Like five blocks. 670 00:28:43,164 --> 00:28:45,120 I'm going to walk her to her Fiat. 671 00:28:45,130 --> 00:28:46,380 - No. - I am. 672 00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,290 - All right. - Be right back. 673 00:28:49,291 --> 00:28:50,999 He really is the best. Come on. 674 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:52,540 I don't deserve him. 675 00:28:55,834 --> 00:28:58,499 - Ah. Hi, hi. - Hey. 676 00:28:58,500 --> 00:29:00,332 - Great set. - Thank you. 677 00:29:00,333 --> 00:29:01,999 Everything you wanted it to be. 678 00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,791 Yeah, it was good. 679 00:29:03,792 --> 00:29:06,166 Hey, congrats. I'm gonna go get started on that action plan. 680 00:29:06,167 --> 00:29:08,220 Okay, yeah. I didn't ask you to do that. 681 00:29:12,330 --> 00:29:13,820 Where's Kat? 682 00:29:13,917 --> 00:29:16,332 Kat and I just had a really big fight, 683 00:29:16,333 --> 00:29:17,920 in the middle of the street. 684 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:19,999 Oh, shit. 685 00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:23,740 And it ended with her screaming about your penis joke. 686 00:29:25,560 --> 00:29:28,790 Yeah, I know. 687 00:29:28,792 --> 00:29:31,699 She kind of cornered me in the bathroom. 688 00:29:31,700 --> 00:29:34,699 She confronted me after my set about the joke. 689 00:29:34,700 --> 00:29:36,140 For fuck's sake, really? 690 00:29:36,250 --> 00:29:38,160 I don't think she liked it. 691 00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:39,920 I was made aware of that. 692 00:29:39,950 --> 00:29:41,749 She's scary. I didn't know! 693 00:29:41,750 --> 00:29:44,833 - Maybe she was just upset. - She did deaf voice to me. 694 00:29:44,834 --> 00:29:46,539 - Just now. - What? 695 00:29:46,540 --> 00:29:48,079 In front of... People were watching 696 00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:49,099 - and she did... - What does that mean? 697 00:29:49,100 --> 00:29:52,039 - Do you... - No! Stop. I get it, I get it. 698 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:53,560 It was horrifying. 699 00:29:54,625 --> 00:29:56,582 People say dumb shit when they're fighting. 700 00:29:56,583 --> 00:29:59,160 - Not in deaf voice, they don't. - Yeah. 701 00:30:00,790 --> 00:30:03,080 I think I'm in over my head. 702 00:30:04,125 --> 00:30:06,290 I'm sorry. 703 00:30:06,291 --> 00:30:08,329 - Okay. - Um... 704 00:30:08,330 --> 00:30:11,120 Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna go. 705 00:30:11,250 --> 00:30:14,440 - Okay. - I gotta go find Ted. 706 00:30:15,620 --> 00:30:17,560 I really am sorry. 707 00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:24,499 Okay. All right. 708 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:38,100 Are you okay? 709 00:31:38,220 --> 00:31:40,760 I'm funnier than that whore. 710 00:31:46,250 --> 00:31:47,420 Go to sleep. 711 00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:12,240 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 54677

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