All language subtitles for Corporate s02e04 Thanks

- [somber music plays]

- [indistinct chatter]

- [copier whirring]

- [crying in distance]

- [keyboard banging]

- [upbeat music plays]

♪ I found love

♪ Didn't even know I needed it

♪ But I found love

♪ Never even crossed my mind

♪ I found love

♪ Had a garden,
never weeded it ♪

♪ But I found love

♪ Took an apple just in time

♪ I found love in the fall ♪

- Dogs are disgusting creatures.

They smell,
their mouths are too wet,

and they constantly demand
your attention

like dumb, slutty babies.

People think they're cute when
really they're just overbred

mutants too stupid
to beg for death.

They turn people
into complete idiots.

- [in slow-motion]
There's a dog?

- ♪ I found love
in this world ♪

♪ And my heartstrings
just unfurled ♪

♪ I found love in the spring

- [in slow-motion]
I'm your mommy.

- ♪

♪♪

- [keyboard banging]

- My exclamation point
key broke.

That feels like a metaphor.

- It'll never get fixed.

I submitted a work ticket to get
my chair fixed three months ago.

- Lloyd gets to things
eventually.

- Lloyd should be fired,
and you know it.

The only reason you're defending
him is because of that damn dog.

- [gasps]
Edie!

- You fucking
motherfucking fuck.

- Does Edie want some granola?

- Do not feed it.

It'll associate this office
with food.

- She's a she.

And her name is Edie.

Isn't that right, Edie?

You're all girl.

And I'm your mommy.

- If the apocalypse came, you'd
eat that dog in a second.

- Well, then we'd eat
Pebbles, too.

- No, we would not.

I'd kill us both,
and she'd eat our bodies,

and we'd live
inside of Pebbles forever.

- I'm not going inside Pebbles.

- You're getting in there.

- G...

O-O-D.

Where is that exclamation point?

- Hey, Lloyd.

I believe this is your mongrel.

- Oh, Edie.

Did you go a-wandering again?

- Lloyd, you know dogs
aren't allowed in the office.

- Yeah, well,
she's a little outlaw.

Aren't you a little outlaw?
- Urgh!

- Yeah, we gonna put you
in the puppy jail.

- Also, I wanted to check
on the status of my chair.

I put in a ticket.

- Uh, okay, did you
put in a ticket?

- Yes. I've actually
put in eight tickets.

- Mm. They must have
canceled each other out.

The system doesn't like it

when you send it
more than one ticket.

- It's been three months.

I have a bad back.

I'm suffering, Lloyd.

- Listen, I am on your side.

But it's just--ugh--I gotta
do the tickets in order.

- What ticket are you
working on right now?

- The fax machine is broken,
so I contacted the fax company.

And now I am waiting for them
to fax me back.

- They can't fax you back,

because the fax machine
is broken.

- I know.

It is frustrating.

- Now he's fixated on the stupid
fax machine while that

untamed beast floods the office
with its slobber.

He needs to be fired ASAP.

- Ah, Jake, one thing you're
gonna learn as an executive

is that you don't get to fire
everyone you want.

- It's true.

If John and I got to fire
everyone we wanted,

you wouldn't be standing here
right now.

- Lloyd's been
at Hampton DeVille for--

what--20 years?

I mean, the employment contracts
back then were ironclad.

- Luckily, we've since fixed
those errors.

New employee contracts are
at will,

meaning recent hires,
like Matt,

we can fire at any time
for any reason.

- Matt is chum.
- More like chum bait.

- He's the chum we use
to catch the chum.

- In the food chain of chum,
he's like not even food.

- Sub-chum.
He's like the chum's turd

that just floats
to the bottom of the sea.

- That doesn't change the fact
that Lloyd sucks at his job.

- If you can gather
a body of evidence of Lloyd

causing egregious harm
to the company,

we'll fire him.

But, you're gonna need
a lot more than a cute doggy

wandering into your office.

- [gasps]
Speak of the doggy devil.

- Who's my little cutie?

- You're my little cutie,
aren't you?

- No, you're my little cutie.
Say it!

- [dog whimpers]

- And now he's fixated on
a stupid fax machine

while that untamed beast floods
the office with its slobber.

He needs to be fired ASAP.

- What the hell?

Somebody keeps stealing
all the pinkies.

Pinkies are everyone's favorite.

Whoever did this is a criminal.

And not a criminal
born from a broken system.

Someone who is pure evil.

Born a devil.

- Grace, help me get
Lloyd fired.

- No!

Firing someone feels awful.

The only reason I would
fire someone is if they did

something monstrous
and unforgivable.

Like picking out the pinkies.

Worthless!

- MATT: Hey.
Oooh.

[gasps]
Edie came back.

- Is that oven-roasted turkey?

- Yeah.

- Out!
- [dog whimpers]

- You know, ever since
my exclamation point broke,

I realized how much
I overuse it in emails.

I used to add it
to almost every sentence.

I feel like I sound like:

[yelling]

- And yet you love dogs,

the exclamation point
of animals.

- Listen to this email
and tell me if it sounds okay

without exclamation points.

- You just used periods?
- MATT: Yeah.

- Should be fine.

- [in stern tone] "I have
attached the docs you asked for.

"I sent them last week.

"I guess they got lost
in your inbox.

"Anyway, let me know if
there's anything else

you need help with.
Thanks."

- Did you get Matt's email?

- This is an attack.

- It's assault and battery.
- It's both.

Should we confront him?
- No.

He's the one with the problem,
he needs to fix it.

- Because that email
was truly twisted.

- Did it also seem--I know
this sounds a little crazy,

but--
- Racist.

Yeah, 1,000%.

There's a racist in our midst.
- He's so racist.

- ♪

- [sighs]

You want a pinkie?

And for Edie
'cause she's a good girl.

[indistinct mumbling]

Mwah, mwah, mwah.

- ♪

- [whistling]

- ♪

- [sighs]

- [angelic music plays]

- Ow.

- Where did you get this?

- I'll give you
one guess.

- Fred.
- It's Lloyd.

He's been stockpiling them
in his desk.

- ♪

- I sentence him to death.

- This email is an act
of terrorism.

- This is emasculating.

It reminds me of talking
to my auto mechanic.

- Matt's clearly
not in his right mind.

- It might as well say,
subject line: "Fuck off."

Body: "And die."

- Alright, I'm just gonna shoot
him a levelheaded response

and see if he comes
to his senses.

- Yeah.
- [sighs]

"Hey, Matt."
- Good.

- "Let us know if you're okay
with helping us with

the presentation next week."
- JOHN: Yes.

- "Please let us know
if you have any questions."

- Yep.
- "Thanks."

- Exclamation point.
- Of course.

- "Best, Kate."
- JOHN: [sighs]

- Let's just take a few minutes
to calm down

and see if he responds.
- Yeah, God.

And by the way,
you are such a good writer.

Anytime you send me an email,
I can't wait to click on it.

- Really?

Because sometimes I feel like
I use too many commas.

- No, no, no.

I always appreciate the pause.

It's a moment to breathe.

But--
- [computer beeps]

- ♪

- What the fuck?

- He's replying way too fast.

- He just basically took
a big, old shit in our inbox.

- He just slapped us

across the face
with a hot fish.

- My new thing is I just
respond to emails right away.

And I've stripped out
all the niceties

that just waste time.

I feel like I've finally
gotten good at my job.

- [crash]

- Great job, Matt.

Good for you, buddy.

- You ready to nail
this [bleep]

dog-loving [bleep]
looking piece of shit?

- ♪

- [dog barks]

- So, how long has the light
been a hazard like this?

- Well, my daughter
turns two in January.

So...

four years.

- And you submitted a ticket?

- Yep.

Lloyd just hasn't gotten
around to it yet.

- Why are you covering for him?

- You a dog lover?

- You like doggies?

- ♪

- [dog barks]

- All you need to do is sign
this formal complaint

against Lloyd.

- He's deadweight in the office,
and you know it.

- All you're doing is making
this hard on yourself.

And I'm gonna crack you open
like an Easter egg.

- You should listen to her.
She's fucked up, man.

- ♪

- [pot shatters]
- [camera clicks]

- Anybody asked, you didn't
see shit, Perry!

I know some fucked up people,
and I'm one of them.

And you don't wanna meet up!

Perry's cool.
He won't say shit.

- Uh, these dog treats?

- No.

Those are for me.

- Well, why don't you
have one then?

- No, thank you.
I'm not hungry.

- Here we go.

- Open up.

You've been a bad girl.

You deserve a treat. Eat it!
- No!

- Eat it!

Eat it!

- Okay, so to summarize,

Hampton DeVille Toys'
top earner,

Skankz dolls, is facing
a boycott led by one

of the nation's most powerful
and litigious groups--

Moms Against
Adolescent Horniness.

- So, they claim that the size
of the Skankzs' breasts

are arousing children
of all ages.

- Bottom line, kids are
horned out of their mind.

- JOHN: Yes.
- So, we've been going back and

forth with the toy division
about possible solutions.

At first, we suggested adding
areolae to make the toys

more anatomically correct.

But this just made children
hornier.

- Horny as hell.

The children
were borderline rabid.

So, we told the team to remove
the areolae, but instead,

they have somehow
tripled in size,

which was never the goal.

- At this point, communication
with the toy division

has become toxic.

- I'd be happy
to jump in as a liaison

to try to resolve this.

I'm a good communicator.

Plus, moms love me.

- MAN: [laughs]

- Okay, Mama's Boy.

You want it, you got it.

- I'm just happy to take
something off your plate.

- Just don't forget
that it's my plate, Matt.

My plate.
- John's plate.

- That's Johnny's plate.

- Yeah, it's your plate.
No problem.

- KATE: Uh. Ew.
- JOHN: Ugh.

- As you can see,
Lloyd violated common decency

by not washing his hands.

He then proceeded
to the break room.

- Which brings us to Exhibit B
for bagels.

These were
perfectly edible bagels before

Lloyd put his grimy fingers
on each and every one of them

before choosing
to eat a doughnut instead.

We rest our case.

- Unfortunately, all this proves
is that you've been spending

all your time doing this

and not your jobs.
- Listen, guys,

no one is saying Lloyd's
not terrible at his job.

He's a bad boy.

But if we fired him
without a smoking gun,

then he'll sue us
for reverse racism or--

- Upside-down ageism.

- And it will cost the company
more money than if we just

let him keep working here.

- Even a literal smoking gun
won't cut it.

Unless you can also provide
a bleeding body.

- [chuckles] That's right.
- [computer beeps]

- ♪

- We have a Code Red situation
we need to deal with.

- Out!

- ♪

- "Just looping you in."

- Now he's accusing us
of being out of the loop.

- There's gonna be a loop around
his neck the way he's going.

- [growls]
- [barks]

- Here's our smoking gun.

Ow!

- A piece of confetti?
- It's LSD.

I've been keeping it
in my freezer for eight years,

but I just haven't found
a free day to have

a life-changing experience.

- Is this who we are now,
Jake?

Dirty cops planting evidence

and force-feeding
our coworkers dog treats?

- Don't you get
soft on me now.

Society is crumbling because
we give people like Lloyd

a pass and allow
mediocrity to flourish.

Not firing him means
more superhero movies,

more sitcoms
about struggling comedians,

and more people who don't decide
what they're gonna order

until they get to the cashier!

- Sometimes I wanna know
what the cashier likes.

- Is this how you wanna live,
Grace?

Eating yellows
like evolutionary chum?

- The drugs alone
might not do it.

If we're gonna get dirty,
then let's get fucking filthy.

I confiscated these a while ago.

Hardcore drugs
and soft-core porn--

a lethal combination.

- ♪

- Are these
from the same person?

- Sexuality is fluid, Jake.

- Oh, right, I forgot.

- ♪

- [angelic music plays]

- ♪

- [dog panting]

- Oh, Edie.

You're not gonna be
around much longer,

you little freak of nature.

You're a low-run wolf who isn't
fit to sniff a cat's asshole.

And pinkies are for people.

- [dog barks]

- Ow! Ow!

Edie, my arm!

[yelling]

[groaning]

- [angelic music plays]

- Hampton DeVille took no action
when Lloyd illegally

and continuously

brought his monstrous dog
into the office.

And now his dog has attacked
and severely wounded

a Jewish employee.

Which brings us to Exhibit B.

This time for blood.

- If you don't fire Lloyd,

I'll sue this company
into the ground.

- Ah, now you're speaking
our language.

- This bleeding wound is
definitely something we can

work with. I love it.
- KATE: Love it.

- Lloyd is chum.

Please, do not
drip on the carpet.

- But it's Jewish blood.
- Oh, it's Jewish blood.

It's a blessing then.
Leave it.

- And so, what I've landed on--

and I think
you're gonna like this--

is removable
choose-your-own-size breasts.

The breast sizes will range
from AA to DD.

We've also developed
optional areolae stickers,

which will come
in different shades and sizes,

and can be applied
to the breasts if you choose.

Do you have any questions?

- With the removable breasts
be included with the dolls?

- Good question.
No.

They'll be sold separately,

which will just
increase profit margins.

- Well, I guess you just have
all the answers, Matt.

- Thanks, Kate.

Now, I hopped on the phone
with a few moms.

Turns out, they still love me.

- MAN: [laughing]

- And they really seemed jazzed
about this idea, so--

- I am at the end of my rope
with him.

- He's really cut my goat.

He's tied it up
with your rope,

and now he's at the end of it
just a-yanking.

- It's complicated because,

technically,
he's doing a good job.

- Well, technically,
Hitler did a good job.

And we all know how complicated
that got.

- Now, initially, we tried

putting the dolls
in turtlenecks.

Now, unfortunately,
testing showed that

that just made
the dolls seem insecure,

which shot horniness levels
through the roof.

You learn something new
every day,

and that's what I learned
last Tuesday.

Now on Wednesday
what I learned was that

my mom had a husband
before my dad,

and his name was Steve.

- You've been a bad boy,
Lloyd.

You ate the forbidden fruit.

Now you shall be...cast into
the valley of employment.

Bye-bye.

- Harsher, Grace.

I want this to hurt him
personally.

- [sighs]

You fucked up, Lloyd!

You got greedy
with the fucking pinkies.

[bleep] fired.

- Alright,
we're getting somewhere.

- Should we reward ourselves?

- To justice being served.

- Some people are weak,
and I say let 'em die.

[gagging]

- Mm. So good.

Are you choking?

I don't know CPR.

Um, I'm gonna Google it.

- [grunts]

- Uh, the Wi-Fi is being shitty.

- ♪

- I'm just gonna film this.

- [heartbeat pounding]

- GRACE: [muffled]
Jake.

Don't make that face.

- [camera clicks]

- [heartbeat pounding]

- ♪ I found love

♪ Didn't even know
I needed it ♪

♪ But I found love

♪ Never even
crossed my mind ♪

- You gotta be careful
with those pinkies.

I get it though.

They're the best ones.

Take it easy.

- It's not CPR.
It's the Heimlich.

- Oh yeah.

I don't know how
to do that one either.

- Fuck you, Matt!

You fucking emotional terrorist!

You're fired!

And I hope your father
gets something incurable.

- KATE: Harsher, John.

I want this to hurt him
personally.

- [heavy breathing]

- You can't fire Lloyd.

- Why not?

- Long story,
but he saved my life.

And now you can't fire him.

- We already started
the paperwork.

- Are you sure?

- [heavy breathing]

Uh, nah.

Go ahead and fire him.

Thanks, guys.

Wow. Life is wild.

- Mm, how 'bout
"your mom's a harlot"?

- JOHN: That's nice.

Like an old-timey whore.

- Come on, pinkies.

Where's mama's pinkies?

- ♪

- Devil!

- I'm sad Lloyd's gone.

I miss Edie.

- She attacked Jake.

- Hey, I'm on Edie's side.

I guess I could
take his keyboard.

- You say, "Matt."
I'll say, "You're."

And then we'll both say,
"Fired."

- Maybe we can harmonize.
- Oh!

- ♪ Matt
- ♪ You're

- BOTH: ♪ Fired

- [phone dings]
- Ooh.

Well,
speak of the email devil.

- Let's see what he chose
for his last words.

- Yeah.

- "Just wanted to say."

- Oh God.

- "I really...

"appreciate you bringing me
on board the Skankz project.

"This has been
an incredible opportunity.

Thanks!"

- Exclamation point.

- "Best, Matt."

- Um...that was incredible.

- In a word, eloquent.
- In another word, exquisite.

- It's almost like an email
I would have written.

- Let's not get carried away.
You're a true talent.

- It's like all his toxic energy
just got washed away

in the warm rain
of that exclamation point.

- Anyone who can write an email
like that

deserves to keep their job.

- BOTH: [laughs]

- MATT: Don't you feel bad
about getting Lloyd fired?

- No, he prevented me from
accomplishing my dream,

which is to die.

- You hate dogs,
you wanna die,

and you're the person I feel
closest to in this world.

Life is wild.

- ♪

- ♪ She's flirty,
she's cute ♪

♪ She's got removable breasts
to boot ♪

♪ She's a Skankz

- MALE ANNOUNCER: Removable
breasts sold separately.

- MALE NARRATOR: Uh-oh,
these boys have gone bonkers.

Some people have it together,
not these boys.

Should they be
on anti-psychotic medication?

Definitely, but we stole
their meds.

- Who's a good girl who got
daddy a severance package, huh?

- ♪

- And they really seem jazzed
about this idea.

They really seemed jazzed
about this idea,

and so that made me jazzed.

When I was talking to the moms,
we really got into it

about gender politics,
and that made me jazzed.

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