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1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:03,953
- Hi, Pierce. Oh...
- Hi!
2
00:00:03,954 --> 00:00:06,316
Hi, Percival!
3
00:00:06,317 --> 00:00:08,292
- Hi.
- Hey.
4
00:00:08,293 --> 00:00:11,879
Happy New Year, you guys.
Do anything fun over break?
5
00:00:11,880 --> 00:00:13,297
Oh, baby Ben got to be
baby Jesus
6
00:00:13,298 --> 00:00:14,798
in our church's nativity play.
7
00:00:14,799 --> 00:00:17,167
Andre was Joseph, and Jordan
was one of the wise men,
8
00:00:17,168 --> 00:00:18,752
and I was in charge of casting.
9
00:00:18,753 --> 00:00:20,671
I digitized
my entire movie collection.
10
00:00:20,672 --> 00:00:22,122
Goodbye, VHS.
11
00:00:22,123 --> 00:00:25,458
Hello, SelectaVision
CED Videodisc.
12
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,261
I'm very psyched
for the new semester.
13
00:00:27,262 --> 00:00:31,112
Or should I say...
Intro to Human Psyched.
14
00:00:31,113 --> 00:00:32,432
[All groan]
The worst.
15
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,818
For our midterm,
we actually get to diagnose
16
00:00:34,819 --> 00:00:36,570
a fellow student
with something.
17
00:00:36,571 --> 00:00:38,305
Don't you do way too much
of that already?
18
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:40,641
Accusational opposition
disorder.
19
00:00:40,642 --> 00:00:41,992
Hello.
20
00:00:41,993 --> 00:00:43,310
[All gasp]
Whoa.
21
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,112
It appears you've all noticed
that my swagger
22
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,113
has a new swagger.
23
00:00:46,114 --> 00:00:47,331
I'll explain.
24
00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:49,032
Over break, I took the plunge
25
00:00:49,033 --> 00:00:50,450
and started seeing
a new shrink.
26
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:51,752
What? Hello!
27
00:00:51,753 --> 00:00:54,354
Hello. Anyway,
I talked about my dad,
28
00:00:54,355 --> 00:00:55,622
punched a few pillows.
29
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:58,425
And she put me on this
amazing anti-anxiety pill.
30
00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,994
It's really enhanced
my self-confidence.
31
00:01:00,995 --> 00:01:02,346
I explained that really well.
32
00:01:02,347 --> 00:01:05,265
Jeff, you can't be
on anti-anxiety meds.
33
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,718
What little self-doubt you have
is the only thing
34
00:01:07,719 --> 00:01:09,502
keeping your ego penned in.
35
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:12,039
You are a textbook narcissist.
36
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:14,174
I'm an exceptional
narcissist, Britta.
37
00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,693
Oh, excuse me.
38
00:01:16,694 --> 00:01:18,395
I didn't kill my wife!
39
00:01:18,396 --> 00:01:21,732
I don't care.
40
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:30,023
Stop that fugitive!
41
00:01:30,024 --> 00:01:31,375
I was wondering
how long it would take
42
00:01:31,376 --> 00:01:32,860
for things to get back
to normal.
43
00:01:32,861 --> 00:01:34,027
Over break, Abed realized
he could hire
44
00:01:34,028 --> 00:01:35,662
celebrity impersonators
from a service
45
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:37,314
for his own personal use.
46
00:01:37,315 --> 00:01:39,383
He's been doing it...
a lot.
47
00:01:39,384 --> 00:01:40,601
He's not hurting anybody.
48
00:01:40,602 --> 00:01:41,919
He just likes
reenacting scenes from movies.
49
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,670
It's unquestionably awesome.
50
00:01:43,671 --> 00:01:45,088
I question it.
He spent New Year's
51
00:01:45,089 --> 00:01:47,707
locked in our bathroom with
a bad Tom Hanks from cast away.
52
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,009
Abed was the volleyball?
53
00:01:49,010 --> 00:01:50,644
- Well, that makes sense.
- You guys, focus!
54
00:01:50,645 --> 00:01:52,145
Where's he getting the money
for all this?
55
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,231
Intervention.
Intervention. Intervention.
56
00:01:54,232 --> 00:01:56,233
No! You guys need
to stop intervening.
57
00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:58,051
You seriously have a problem.
58
00:01:58,052 --> 00:02:00,487
- I said I didn't kill my wife!
- I still don't care.
59
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:01,989
Freeze!
[Tranquilizer gunshot]
60
00:02:01,990 --> 00:02:03,556
[Alarmed cries]
61
00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,742
Chang, they're just acting!
62
00:02:05,743 --> 00:02:08,288
- Oh. Sorry.
- What was that?
63
00:02:08,289 --> 00:02:11,582
- Somebody call the cops!
- I've got a friend at the zoo.
64
00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:15,235
Give me some rope,
time in a tree
65
00:02:15,236 --> 00:02:18,571
give me the hope
to run out of steam
66
00:02:18,572 --> 00:02:21,925
somebody said
we could be here
67
00:02:21,926 --> 00:02:26,046
we could be roped up,
tied up, dead in a year
68
00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:31,018
I can't count the reasons
I should stay
69
00:02:31,019 --> 00:02:35,559
one by one they all
just fade away
70
00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:38,589
3.12 - Contemporary Impressionists
Sync and correction by Elderfel www.addic7ed.com
71
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,762
What is this I hear
about a tranquilizer gun?
72
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,615
If you had hit a small student,
73
00:02:44,616 --> 00:02:46,033
they could have died!
74
00:02:46,034 --> 00:02:47,217
I wouldn't do that.
75
00:02:47,218 --> 00:02:48,735
I have a heavy flashlight
for them.
76
00:02:48,736 --> 00:02:50,037
Oh, Ben!
77
00:02:50,038 --> 00:02:53,040
Look, I have to resort
to extreme measures.
78
00:02:53,041 --> 00:02:55,108
I'm a one-man army.
79
00:02:55,109 --> 00:02:56,609
You won't let me have
any guards.
80
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,978
We're broke, Ben!
81
00:02:57,979 --> 00:02:59,680
We now get 80%
of our electricity
82
00:02:59,681 --> 00:03:02,549
from the apartment building
across the street.
83
00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:05,302
Okay...
84
00:03:05,303 --> 00:03:08,005
I don't know who told you
pouting was an option for you,
85
00:03:08,006 --> 00:03:09,806
but all you're making
me feel right now
86
00:03:09,807 --> 00:03:13,844
is hatred of Renee Zellweger.
87
00:03:13,845 --> 00:03:16,730
Look, maybe you can
bring on some students
88
00:03:16,731 --> 00:03:18,148
as security interns.
89
00:03:18,149 --> 00:03:19,433
I'll let you offer them
a credit
90
00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:21,801
in safety or math
or something.
91
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,186
Thank you, sir.
92
00:03:23,187 --> 00:03:25,906
You won't regret this
unless I rise up against you.
93
00:03:25,907 --> 00:03:28,775
I don't know why
I said that. Bye.
94
00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:31,811
Huh! Tah!
95
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:36,700
Zhou! Zeet! Dah! Toi!
96
00:03:37,702 --> 00:03:40,454
Jeff. Jeff!
97
00:03:40,455 --> 00:03:41,821
I looked it up.
I was right.
98
00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:43,206
Oh, that thing
about Danny Thomas?
99
00:03:43,207 --> 00:03:44,491
I looked it up too.
Weird.
100
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:46,326
No, those meds you're taking.
101
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,995
Without anxiety to keep
your vanity in check,
102
00:03:48,996 --> 00:03:52,599
you are vulnerable to a syndrome
called hyper-narcissosis.
103
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,135
Okay, look.
This apple is your ego.
104
00:03:55,136 --> 00:03:58,171
Imagine it expanding
to the point of critical mass,
105
00:03:58,172 --> 00:04:00,273
taking over
your whole personality,
106
00:04:00,274 --> 00:04:03,226
making you
an uncontrollable monster.
107
00:04:03,227 --> 00:04:05,312
Britta, how did an apple
make that clear?
108
00:04:05,313 --> 00:04:06,613
Imagine it expanding?
109
00:04:06,614 --> 00:04:08,115
- Use a balloon.
- I was on my way to lunch.
110
00:04:08,116 --> 00:04:09,849
Why are you trying
to take this away from me?
111
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,485
I like having no anxiety.
112
00:04:11,486 --> 00:04:12,619
I'm in harmony with the world.
113
00:04:12,620 --> 00:04:14,154
Looking good, Winger.
114
00:04:14,155 --> 00:04:15,906
Thank you, Leonard,
for that compliment,
115
00:04:15,907 --> 00:04:18,358
and for your service
to this country.
116
00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,193
I'm so confident now,
I can pull things off
117
00:04:20,194 --> 00:04:21,661
I never dreamed possible.
118
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,697
Look. Aviators.
119
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,466
Final boarding call,
beefcake airways.
120
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,336
I'm warning you as your friend
to get off of those meds.
121
00:04:29,337 --> 00:04:30,504
And until they're out
of your system,
122
00:04:30,505 --> 00:04:32,372
stay away from
flattering situations...
123
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:35,542
weddings, soft lighting,
formal wear, gay bars.
124
00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,043
And take those off!
125
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:38,128
Because they make me look good?
126
00:04:38,129 --> 00:04:39,679
That's not relevant.
127
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,681
Ah, welcome back, Jeffrey.
How was your...
128
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:43,216
Uhh... uhh... unh!
129
00:04:43,217 --> 00:04:44,568
[Gasping]
130
00:04:44,569 --> 00:04:46,886
Oh, my God!
Even his shadow!
131
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:49,022
Look at his shadow!
132
00:04:49,023 --> 00:04:52,359
[Gasps, spasms]
133
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,030
Security internship available.
134
00:04:57,031 --> 00:04:59,499
Come on, see the world.
135
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,668
Well, you won't see the world,
but come on!
136
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,789
- Hey, Nadir.
- Oh, hey, Vinnie.
137
00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:07,591
Vinnie's the owner
of the doppelgang,
138
00:05:07,592 --> 00:05:08,959
the celebrity impersonator
service I use.
139
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,043
You look familiar.
140
00:05:10,044 --> 00:05:12,129
That's how we all get started
in this racket.
141
00:05:12,130 --> 00:05:13,764
But at a certain point,
if you're smart,
142
00:05:13,765 --> 00:05:16,099
you move up to management
before the gold mine
143
00:05:16,100 --> 00:05:18,418
of resembling French Stewart
runs dry.
144
00:05:18,419 --> 00:05:20,253
- Ah...
- French Stewart...
145
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,638
And speaking of gold mines,
146
00:05:21,639 --> 00:05:23,256
you owe me three grand, pal.
147
00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:24,357
Cool.
Put it on my account.
148
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,143
What do I look like, a sucker?
149
00:05:26,144 --> 00:05:27,427
French Stewart.
But I don't have three grand.
150
00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,062
Well, you know what,
you better get it.
151
00:05:29,063 --> 00:05:31,097
Because I'm gonna
tell you something right now...
152
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:33,433
Holy crap, you'd make
an amazing Seacrest.
153
00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,734
Very kind.
Thank you.
154
00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:37,621
You're actually
a lot taller than Seacrest.
155
00:05:37,622 --> 00:05:39,706
You've actually got
a sharper jaw too.
156
00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:41,541
You're actually more handsome
than the guy
157
00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:42,576
that's famous
for being handsome.
158
00:05:42,577 --> 00:05:45,245
[Grunts]
Jeff?
159
00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:49,282
[Groans]
160
00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:53,587
You'll be okay.
Just stay humble.
161
00:05:53,588 --> 00:05:55,422
You know what, maybe
there's another option for you.
162
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,424
I've got a big event saturday.
163
00:05:57,425 --> 00:05:59,292
Needs a lot of bodies, huh?
164
00:05:59,293 --> 00:06:01,761
And I see some
high-value faces here.
165
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:02,762
Got an Oprah.
166
00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,264
- Oh!
- And sitting next to her
167
00:06:04,265 --> 00:06:06,483
is a Judy Garland
or an Anne Hathaway.
168
00:06:06,484 --> 00:06:08,101
Add a few extra teeth.
169
00:06:08,102 --> 00:06:09,603
Wow, this is rare.
170
00:06:09,604 --> 00:06:12,772
Both versions
of Michael Jackson.
171
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:13,940
And you...
172
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:15,058
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
173
00:06:15,059 --> 00:06:16,243
- What?
- What?
174
00:06:16,244 --> 00:06:17,244
- Fat Brando.
- Burt Reynolds.
175
00:06:17,245 --> 00:06:18,245
- Whatever.
- Whatever.
176
00:06:18,246 --> 00:06:20,247
Look, if you guys work
this gig for me
177
00:06:20,248 --> 00:06:22,282
for six hours,
we'll call it even.
178
00:06:22,283 --> 00:06:23,700
Sounds fun.
179
00:06:23,701 --> 00:06:26,152
Abed, Vinnie, can we have
a minute to talk about this?
180
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,754
Sure. Come on, Vinnie. The guy
who makes the fish sticks
181
00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,005
looks just like Quincy Jones.
182
00:06:29,006 --> 00:06:30,123
- Get out.
- Seriously.
183
00:06:30,124 --> 00:06:31,374
Guys, I'm sorry,
184
00:06:31,375 --> 00:06:32,959
but this is where
we have to put our foot down.
185
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,261
Well, she has a point.
186
00:06:34,262 --> 00:06:36,463
Next time it'll be $10,000,
and then $20,000,
187
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:37,797
and then he'll hit rock bottom
188
00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:39,299
and have no one to turn to
but Jesus.
189
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:40,350
I say we let this play out.
190
00:06:40,351 --> 00:06:41,935
I'd love to help,
191
00:06:41,936 --> 00:06:43,687
but playing Ryan Seacrest
at a big party
192
00:06:43,688 --> 00:06:45,555
may not be a safe
situation for me.
193
00:06:45,556 --> 00:06:47,840
We could actually hurt Abed
194
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,392
if every time he faces reality,
195
00:06:49,393 --> 00:06:51,611
we dress up and play
make-believe to bail him out.
196
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,613
Shame on you people.
197
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,099
It's not our job
to help Abed grow up.
198
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:57,701
Abed doesn't need reality.
199
00:06:57,702 --> 00:07:00,120
Abed is a magical,
elf-like man
200
00:07:00,121 --> 00:07:01,905
who makes us all more magical
201
00:07:01,906 --> 00:07:03,256
by being near us.
202
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,075
Pierce, who came over
in the middle of the night
203
00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:06,326
that time you forgot how to
fart?
204
00:07:06,327 --> 00:07:07,694
- Abed.
- Shirley...
205
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:09,045
Who got you a DVD
of Precious,
206
00:07:09,046 --> 00:07:10,747
based on the novel Push,
by Sapphire,
207
00:07:10,748 --> 00:07:13,466
and a copy of the novel Push
autographed by Sapphire?
208
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:14,834
Abed.
209
00:07:14,835 --> 00:07:17,203
All we had was dumb reality
before we met that man.
210
00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:19,389
And he's made all of our lives
better than reality.
211
00:07:19,390 --> 00:07:20,840
Now it becomes
a little inconvenient,
212
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:23,176
and it's time to get real?
213
00:07:23,177 --> 00:07:25,312
For shame!
214
00:07:25,313 --> 00:07:28,014
He's right.
Sorry, Troy.
215
00:07:28,015 --> 00:07:29,382
Hey, guys.
216
00:07:29,383 --> 00:07:31,835
Abed, we would be happy
to help you out.
217
00:07:31,836 --> 00:07:33,353
It'll be a good time.
218
00:07:33,354 --> 00:07:35,054
- Cool. Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool.
219
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,157
- Oprah.
- Oh, thank you.
220
00:07:37,158 --> 00:07:38,408
- See ya, Vin.
- Fat Brando.
221
00:07:38,409 --> 00:07:41,661
- Burt Reynolds.
- Yeah.
222
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,363
Thanks for being flexible.
This'll be fun.
223
00:07:43,364 --> 00:07:45,749
Fun. Yeah, sure.
But here's the deal.
224
00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:47,751
Um, if you guys mess this up,
225
00:07:47,752 --> 00:07:49,953
then his debt is overdue.
226
00:07:49,954 --> 00:07:52,071
And I don't send another bill.
227
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,507
No, I send two guys
that look a lot
228
00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:56,793
like Ving Rhames
and Michael Chiklis.
229
00:07:56,794 --> 00:07:59,245
And they do
a very convincing impression
230
00:07:59,246 --> 00:08:02,515
of breaking your friend's legs.
231
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,602
Their secret is...
They actually break them.
232
00:08:13,482 --> 00:08:14,678
All right, impersonators,
233
00:08:14,679 --> 00:08:17,484
our guest of honor
is one Howie Schwartz,
234
00:08:17,485 --> 00:08:18,446
who,
according to the Talmud,
235
00:08:18,447 --> 00:08:21,116
just became a man.
But I have to say,
236
00:08:21,117 --> 00:08:22,801
I wouldn't want him
next to me in a foxhole.
237
00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:24,570
- Ha!
- Ground rules...
238
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,805
Do stay in your
assigned quadrants
239
00:08:26,806 --> 00:08:28,974
quoting lines from movies
you are positive
240
00:08:28,975 --> 00:08:30,959
that your impersonatee was in.
241
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,228
Do not leave your quadrant,
242
00:08:33,229 --> 00:08:35,463
burp, fart, cough,
hiccup, or cuss.
243
00:08:35,464 --> 00:08:37,632
The obvious exception
being James,
244
00:08:37,633 --> 00:08:38,800
our resident Walter Matthau.
245
00:08:38,801 --> 00:08:40,102
How you doing, Jimmy?
[Belches]
246
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,437
Aw, you give 'em hell.
All right, let's go.
247
00:08:42,438 --> 00:08:46,474
- All my life I has to fight.
- Ready to tangle.
248
00:08:46,475 --> 00:08:48,610
Handsome Seacrest,
I need you in this tux.
249
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,245
Jeff, do not wear that.
250
00:08:50,246 --> 00:08:52,480
Aw, zip it, white Jacko.
251
00:08:52,481 --> 00:08:55,250
Don't worry, that thing
in the cafeteria freaked me out,
252
00:08:55,251 --> 00:08:57,369
so I talked to my shrink,
and she doubled my dosage.
253
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:59,288
What?
Jeff, that's insane!
254
00:08:59,289 --> 00:09:01,456
I thought so too, but after
I took that extra pill,
255
00:09:01,457 --> 00:09:03,258
it seemed like a great idea.
256
00:09:03,259 --> 00:09:05,844
- Jeff, put it on. Go.
- No, Jeff!
257
00:09:05,845 --> 00:09:07,129
Britta, stop arguing.
258
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,430
If you have anything else
to say,
259
00:09:08,431 --> 00:09:10,382
say it in a high-pitched voice
while walking backwards.
260
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,833
[High-pitched voice]
Jeff is in grave danger.
261
00:09:11,834 --> 00:09:13,101
Hee-hee!
262
00:09:15,605 --> 00:09:17,439
Uh, may I help you?
263
00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,941
I'm one of the impersonators.
264
00:09:19,942 --> 00:09:24,363
- Which one?
- Do I have to say it?
265
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,981
Burt Reynolds.
266
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:28,233
Uh, yeah, I don't believe
anybody hired you
267
00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:29,517
to impersonate Burt Reynolds.
268
00:09:29,518 --> 00:09:31,653
- Why not?
- Do I have to say it?
269
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:46,351
- May I help you?
- I'm Brando.
270
00:09:46,352 --> 00:09:48,587
Hmm...
271
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,538
Could be under "fat."
272
00:09:50,539 --> 00:09:53,225
Ah. Oh.
273
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:54,726
[Chuckles]
Totally.
274
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:58,180
Go on in.
[Chuckles]
275
00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,848
Bam.
276
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,983
Abed, get back to your station.
277
00:10:01,984 --> 00:10:03,235
I can't right now,
I'm talking to Geena Davis.
278
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,053
Abed, we have to do this right
279
00:10:05,054 --> 00:10:06,104
or Vinnie won't clear
your debt.
280
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,222
Troy, who cares about money?
281
00:10:07,223 --> 00:10:08,857
Look around.
This is why we're alive.
282
00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:11,360
Ooh, fake Lorenzo Lamas.
Let's go.
283
00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:15,647
I was so sad to hear
of your passing.
284
00:10:15,648 --> 00:10:17,582
Me too.
285
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:21,286
Sergeant Chang,
what are you doing here?
286
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:23,372
Hey, Annie.
Just one of the perks
287
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:24,539
when your brother's a rabbi.
288
00:10:24,540 --> 00:10:26,458
He throws me some
private security gigs
289
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,043
at the events he officiates.
290
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,462
They can get really intense
sometimes.
291
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:33,915
Can you believe some jerk
brought a scalpel to a bris?
292
00:10:33,916 --> 00:10:35,917
Now smile.
293
00:10:35,918 --> 00:10:38,804
Why is he out of his quadrant?
294
00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,924
[Fake voice]
I'm Lorenzo Lamas.
295
00:10:42,925 --> 00:10:45,127
- He's reenacting a movie.
- Please.
296
00:10:45,128 --> 00:10:46,445
What movie were
Jamie Lee Curtis
297
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:48,146
and Lorenzo Lamas in together?
298
00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,065
See, now I'm just
embarrassed for you
299
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,367
because you've never seen
Lorenzo's Oil.
300
00:10:52,368 --> 00:10:54,986
Lorenzo is an oil tycoon that
gets his address book switched
301
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,605
with Jamie Lee Curtis',
302
00:10:57,606 --> 00:11:00,125
and they give each other
piggyback rides.
303
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:01,326
[Scoffs]
304
00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:02,944
I can't believe...
did you go to college?
305
00:11:02,945 --> 00:11:05,247
Yes. No.
306
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:06,448
Whatever. Keep working.
307
00:11:06,449 --> 00:11:09,434
[Rock music playing
in background]
308
00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:13,505
309
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:17,225
Oh, my God.
You are gorgeous!
310
00:11:17,226 --> 00:11:18,510
Would you look at this one.
311
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,395
He's like a Robert Redford.
312
00:11:20,396 --> 00:11:23,348
No, no, more like a taller,
hotter Ryan Seacrest.
313
00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:25,600
[Remembering] It's amazing,
you're actually more handsome
314
00:11:25,601 --> 00:11:29,070
than the guy who's famous
for being handsome.
315
00:11:33,576 --> 00:11:37,529
Skull Cracker 2000.
Top of the line.
316
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:40,148
- Who wants to hold it?
- Me!
317
00:11:40,149 --> 00:11:42,817
- That's so cool.
- Awesome.
318
00:11:42,818 --> 00:11:45,053
Dude, this is so sick.
Check this out.
319
00:11:45,054 --> 00:11:47,655
[Pop, pop, pop]
320
00:11:49,842 --> 00:11:53,628
Any of you fine young men
interested in a college credit?
321
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:54,946
- Sure!
- Right!
322
00:11:54,947 --> 00:11:56,381
[Chuckles]
323
00:12:01,337 --> 00:12:02,554
Look, man,
if you have a request,
324
00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:04,456
not a real DJ, okay.
These are just props.
325
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:05,891
You look like a friend of mine.
326
00:12:05,892 --> 00:12:07,476
You're friends with Moby?
327
00:12:07,477 --> 00:12:10,745
[Pop, pop, pop,
soldiers chanting]
328
00:12:10,746 --> 00:12:13,681
[Pop, pop, pop]
329
00:12:13,682 --> 00:12:16,684
[Bell chimes]
330
00:12:16,685 --> 00:12:19,821
331
00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:22,290
- Jeff!
- Oh!
332
00:12:22,291 --> 00:12:25,410
[Gasps]
I haven't been dipped like that
333
00:12:25,411 --> 00:12:27,245
since my last divorce.
334
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,030
Britta, you were right.
335
00:12:29,031 --> 00:12:31,533
I can feel my ego taking over.
Do something!
336
00:12:31,534 --> 00:12:32,751
Okay, listen to me.
337
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,387
You are not that big of a deal.
Do you understand?
338
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,871
You have bad posture.
339
00:12:36,872 --> 00:12:39,674
When you do to many push-ups,
it looks like you have boobs.
340
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,927
The tile in your bathroom
is tacky.
341
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,396
You were emotionally
closed off in bed
342
00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,181
to the point where
one time, I didn't come up
343
00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,767
because I couldn't find
close enough parking.
344
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,570
You have an unusually high
butt crack.
345
00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:54,723
Thank you.
346
00:12:54,724 --> 00:12:56,441
It couldn't have been easy
for you to lie like that.
347
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,193
We are getting you out of here.
348
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,395
Get back to your quadrant.
Now!
349
00:13:00,396 --> 00:13:01,863
Britta!
350
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,065
Honey, you were the highlight
of the evening.
351
00:13:04,066 --> 00:13:07,836
If it were up to me,
you'd win every single award.
352
00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:10,822
There's awards?
353
00:13:14,208 --> 00:13:16,367
Ladies and non-gentlemen,
354
00:13:16,368 --> 00:13:19,504
welcome to Howie Schwartz's
Star Mitzvah Awards.
355
00:13:19,505 --> 00:13:21,089
Here to present the first award
356
00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:23,858
are fake Morgan Freeman
and fake Bono.
357
00:13:23,859 --> 00:13:26,544
You know, fake Bono,
algebra can be tough.
358
00:13:26,545 --> 00:13:28,212
It sure can,
fake Morgan Freeman.
359
00:13:28,213 --> 00:13:29,847
And that's why
it's so important
360
00:13:29,848 --> 00:13:32,100
to reward those
to whom it comes so easily.
361
00:13:32,101 --> 00:13:36,387
The winner for
best math student is...
362
00:13:36,388 --> 00:13:37,488
Howie Schwartz.
363
00:13:37,489 --> 00:13:41,909
[Applause]
364
00:13:44,163 --> 00:13:46,998
Wow, these things are heavy.
[Laughter]
365
00:13:46,999 --> 00:13:50,368
The award for cleanest room
goes to Howie Schwartz.
366
00:13:50,369 --> 00:13:51,502
[Applause]
367
00:13:51,503 --> 00:13:55,840
Coolest skateboard trick,
Howie Schwartz!
368
00:13:55,841 --> 00:13:59,343
Howie Schwartz!
369
00:13:59,344 --> 00:14:01,963
[Applause]
370
00:14:01,964 --> 00:14:04,098
If you ask me, I think
you're gonna win the award
371
00:14:04,099 --> 00:14:06,050
for most handsome young man.
372
00:14:06,051 --> 00:14:10,254
Nah. Oh, give me a break.
It's his Bar Mitzvah.
373
00:14:10,255 --> 00:14:11,922
Jeff, I think
that we should go.
374
00:14:11,923 --> 00:14:15,359
There's an award
for most handsome young man!
375
00:14:15,360 --> 00:14:17,728
Hello, everyone.
It is my honor and privilege
376
00:14:17,729 --> 00:14:20,898
as fake Oprah Winfrey to present
the night's final award...
377
00:14:20,899 --> 00:14:22,750
most handsome young man.
378
00:14:22,751 --> 00:14:24,202
Aww...
379
00:14:24,203 --> 00:14:27,872
And the winner is...
380
00:14:27,873 --> 00:14:30,274
[Shouting]
Howie Schwartz!
381
00:14:30,275 --> 00:14:33,277
Nooo!
382
00:14:37,082 --> 00:14:39,250
[Pained groan]
383
00:14:39,251 --> 00:14:42,053
[Jeff growling,
people screaming]
384
00:14:42,054 --> 00:14:46,057
Aah!
385
00:14:47,893 --> 00:14:50,211
[Crowd booing]
386
00:14:50,212 --> 00:14:51,596
[Growling continues]
387
00:14:51,597 --> 00:14:55,149
Look at me!
Look at meee!
388
00:14:55,150 --> 00:14:57,968
No, Jeffrey!
Jeffrey... oh!
389
00:14:57,969 --> 00:14:59,187
Oh!
[Crowd gasps]
390
00:14:59,188 --> 00:15:01,222
Oh, God, no!
391
00:15:01,223 --> 00:15:04,041
- What the hell?
- You wanted it!
392
00:15:04,042 --> 00:15:06,744
You all want it!
393
00:15:06,745 --> 00:15:09,247
Aahhh-ha-ha-ha!
394
00:15:09,248 --> 00:15:12,483
Aaahh!
[Boys shouting]
395
00:15:12,484 --> 00:15:13,918
- Rargh!
- Aah!
396
00:15:13,919 --> 00:15:16,837
- Grr!
- Ow!
397
00:15:16,838 --> 00:15:20,908
Ah!
[Woman screams]
398
00:15:20,909 --> 00:15:23,427
Unh! Grr!
Ha!
399
00:15:23,428 --> 00:15:25,329
[Growling continues]
400
00:15:25,330 --> 00:15:28,799
[People screaming]
401
00:15:31,470 --> 00:15:34,702
I love you, dad!
I knew you'd invite the Hulk!
402
00:15:41,647 --> 00:15:45,182
You're lucky.
And your friend's debt is paid.
403
00:15:45,183 --> 00:15:48,042
Hey, Jimmy, wait up.
[Belches]
404
00:15:48,043 --> 00:15:51,088
[Dance music playing]
405
00:15:54,793 --> 00:15:57,295
Boogie Nights.
406
00:15:57,296 --> 00:16:01,832
You're fat Burt Reynolds,
right?
407
00:16:01,833 --> 00:16:04,635
I'll take it.
408
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,145
Abed, your leg!
What'd they do?
409
00:16:14,146 --> 00:16:15,463
Tell me who they looked like!
410
00:16:15,464 --> 00:16:16,931
[A la Robin Williams]
Doc, doc! Who's there?
411
00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:19,100
It's your femur bone.
He needs some money. He's broke.
412
00:16:19,101 --> 00:16:21,352
Ha ha ha. Hey.
[Abed chuckles]
413
00:16:21,353 --> 00:16:22,770
Laughter's the best medicine.
414
00:16:22,771 --> 00:16:25,156
What are...
what are you doing?
415
00:16:25,157 --> 00:16:27,608
I'm challenging your entire
medical establishment, sir.
416
00:16:27,609 --> 00:16:30,728
Not you.
417
00:16:30,729 --> 00:16:34,064
So we just spent our whole night
paying off your debt,
418
00:16:34,065 --> 00:16:36,167
and you're blowing money
on a Patch Adams?
419
00:16:36,168 --> 00:16:39,403
It's two for one.
We're doing Popeye next.
420
00:16:39,404 --> 00:16:40,571
[A la Popeye]
Ah-ga-ga-ga-ga.
421
00:16:40,572 --> 00:16:43,407
Get him some spinach.
422
00:16:43,408 --> 00:16:45,311
I'm Olive Oyl.
423
00:16:49,715 --> 00:16:52,099
Get out!
424
00:17:11,119 --> 00:17:14,205
Are you mad at me?
425
00:17:14,206 --> 00:17:16,607
- No.
- Cool.
426
00:17:16,608 --> 00:17:17,591
I was gonna go
in the Dreamatorium
427
00:17:17,592 --> 00:17:18,993
and play
Inspector Spacetime.
428
00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:21,879
Have fun.
429
00:17:26,134 --> 00:17:28,969
- Abed.
- Yeah?
430
00:17:28,970 --> 00:17:32,390
Come here.
431
00:17:38,163 --> 00:17:39,430
I am mad at you.
432
00:17:39,431 --> 00:17:41,132
You said you weren't.
We never lie.
433
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:42,733
- I know.
- We made a deal.
434
00:17:42,734 --> 00:17:44,721
October 15, 2009.
Friends don't lie to each other.
435
00:17:44,722 --> 00:17:46,971
I know! I lied.
436
00:17:46,972 --> 00:17:48,756
Because you don't like people
who tell you what to do,
437
00:17:48,757 --> 00:17:50,057
and I don't want to be
one of those people.
438
00:17:50,058 --> 00:17:51,609
- Then don't be.
- I have to be.
439
00:17:51,610 --> 00:17:53,561
You have to stop renting
celebrity impersonators.
440
00:17:53,562 --> 00:17:55,663
Vinnie was gonna break
both of your legs.
441
00:17:55,664 --> 00:17:57,515
I had to work really hard
to help you.
442
00:17:57,516 --> 00:17:58,499
But that's what you wanted
to do.
443
00:17:58,500 --> 00:17:59,950
Yes.
444
00:17:59,951 --> 00:18:01,919
But I can't do
what I want to do?
445
00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:03,287
I guess not.
Not all the time.
446
00:18:03,288 --> 00:18:04,805
Sometimes you're just
gonna have to trust
447
00:18:04,806 --> 00:18:07,141
- that I know better about stuff.
- I don't know if I can do that.
448
00:18:07,142 --> 00:18:08,642
Then I guess
you're gonna have to trust
449
00:18:08,643 --> 00:18:10,845
that you're gonna have
to trust me.
450
00:18:13,148 --> 00:18:17,385
Well, I don't want to stop
being your friend, so...
451
00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:21,338
I guess I'll let you
tell me what to do sometimes.
452
00:18:21,339 --> 00:18:23,214
Still best friends?
453
00:18:23,215 --> 00:18:25,472
Yeah.
454
00:18:26,945 --> 00:18:29,012
Still best friends.
Always.
455
00:18:29,013 --> 00:18:31,014
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
456
00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:32,516
You still gonna go
to the Dreamatorium?
457
00:18:32,517 --> 00:18:34,368
Oh, yeah, but I think I'm
gonna play by myself right now,
458
00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:35,519
if that's okay.
459
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,689
Cool. Okay.
460
00:18:38,690 --> 00:18:41,292
Cool.
461
00:18:41,293 --> 00:18:45,696
[The Lonely Man theme
playing]
462
00:18:45,697 --> 00:18:47,581
Seacrest Hulk,
you're the greatest!
463
00:18:47,582 --> 00:18:52,369
Whoo!
You rock, Seacrest Hulk!
464
00:18:52,370 --> 00:18:54,138
[Horn honking]
465
00:18:54,139 --> 00:18:58,559
I love you, Seacrest Hulk!
466
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:02,062
You know, Seacrest Hulk,
you're a meshugeneh.
467
00:19:02,063 --> 00:19:04,882
[Car pulling up]
468
00:19:04,883 --> 00:19:08,018
[Horn tooting]
469
00:19:08,937 --> 00:19:12,039
[Engine shuts off]
470
00:19:17,729 --> 00:19:19,113
You okay?
471
00:19:19,114 --> 00:19:22,232
No.
I ruined a Bar Mitzvah.
472
00:19:22,233 --> 00:19:23,400
I'm a bad person.
473
00:19:23,401 --> 00:19:25,336
What you're feeling
is called shame.
474
00:19:25,337 --> 00:19:26,737
It means you're getting better.
475
00:19:26,738 --> 00:19:30,741
You're gonna be safe again
once those pills wear off.
476
00:19:30,742 --> 00:19:33,928
Um, I was thinking...
477
00:19:33,929 --> 00:19:37,465
You know that person that you
study for your psych class?
478
00:19:37,466 --> 00:19:39,750
Maybe that should be me.
479
00:19:39,751 --> 00:19:41,268
Uh-uh. No way.
480
00:19:41,269 --> 00:19:43,888
You are way out of my league,
diagnostically speaking.
481
00:19:43,889 --> 00:19:46,140
I'm gonna go with someone
a little less complicated.
482
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:48,258
Like Abed.
483
00:19:48,259 --> 00:19:50,260
[Machinery whirring]
484
00:19:54,933 --> 00:19:58,602
[Spaceship engines rumbling]
485
00:20:05,911 --> 00:20:08,929
Hi, Abed.
486
00:20:10,966 --> 00:20:13,701
- Hi.
- Where's Troy?
487
00:20:13,702 --> 00:20:15,636
In the other room.
488
00:20:15,637 --> 00:20:16,971
That's okay.
There are many advantages
489
00:20:16,972 --> 00:20:18,189
of traveling by yourself.
490
00:20:18,190 --> 00:20:20,224
You can drive faster,
change direction.
491
00:20:20,225 --> 00:20:21,926
And the only pee breaks
are yours.
492
00:20:21,927 --> 00:20:26,096
- Are you real?
- Are you?
493
00:20:26,097 --> 00:20:27,231
This is really crazy.
494
00:20:27,232 --> 00:20:28,599
And inaccessible,
and maybe too dark.
495
00:20:28,600 --> 00:20:31,735
Maybe to them,
but not to us.
496
00:20:31,736 --> 00:20:34,822
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
497
00:20:34,823 --> 00:20:37,391
Hot.
Hot, hot, hot.
498
00:20:37,392 --> 00:20:40,394
[Suspenseful music]
499
00:20:48,856 --> 00:20:51,874
[Military bugle fanfare]
500
00:21:05,158 --> 00:21:06,613
Gentlemen...
501
00:21:06,614 --> 00:21:09,345
Who's ready to chang
the world?
502
00:21:09,346 --> 00:21:13,692
Chang! Chang! Chang!
503
00:21:13,693 --> 00:21:17,790
Chang! Chang! Chang!
Chang! Chang!
504
00:21:17,791 --> 00:21:19,391
All hail Chang!
505
00:21:19,441 --> 00:21:23,991
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