All language subtitles for Adam Ruins Everything s02e01 Having a baby.eng

(BIRDS TWEETING)

?

(SIGHS)

(SNORING SOFTLY)

(SIGHS)

Ugh.

(GASPS)

Uh-oh.

Murph.

(YELPS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Go, go, go!

(WOMAN) We're never having sex again.

What if you're pregnant?

I mean, is that a good thing
or a bad thing?

I don't know!

Ugh.

I mean... maybe it's time.

We gotta have kids at some point,

and my biological clock
is ticking, so...

(DISTANT WHISTLING)

Emily, what was that?

I must've stated a commonly
held misconception.

(LOUD THUD)

(RUMBLING)

He's coming.

(BOTH SHRIEKING)

Hello, my friends!

(BOTH) Ugh.

Hate to break it to you guys,

but everything you know
about having a baby is wrong.

Okay, worst entrance... by far.

Thank you!

Hi, I'm Adam Conover, and this is...

(BOTH) "Adam Ruins Everything."

?

Oh! Ugh.

(SCREAMING)

Synced by Bakugan

Hiatus over already, huh?

- Yep, it's a whole new season.
- Joy.

Okay, so what'd I do this time, huh?

Did I pee on the stick wrong?

What? No. It's that,

when it comes to your
"biological clock,"

you've got way more time
than you think.

Uh, no, no, no.

My uterus is getting worse
by the second.

I mean, if I want to have kids,

I have to do it
by the time that I turn 35.

Ah, yes, 35.

The age when the media tells us

a woman's fertility rate
supposedly plummets.

You got to get pretty serious
about having kids before 35.

You're getting older,

and you know that clock is ticking.

By the time we're 35,

fertility has decreased by 50%

(EMILY) Gah! Whew.

See? I got to get baking now
before this oven breaks down.

I mean, they have done studies.

Sure, but where those studies

got their data from is real weird.

Was is it from a large,

well-conducted sample of modern women?

Nope. It came from rural
French census records

from the 1600s.

(WOMEN COUGHING)

Ohh... ohh...

_

_

Wait, seriously? I have been
getting fertility advice

from a bunch of 400-year-old
French farmers?

(WOMAN) Unfortunately, yes.

Oh! Emily, this is Jean Twenge,

the author of "The Impatient
Woman's Guide to Getting Pregnant"

and the researcher who discovered
the truth about this data.

You know, when I wanted
to have kids in my late 30s,

I was as freaked out
about these studies as anyone.

But I'm researcher,
so I looked into it.

And I found out that nobody
really noticed that these claims

were based on such old data.

And that's a problem,

because that means
they come from a time

before fertility treatment,
antibiotics, or modern medicine.

Yeah, there could've been
a lot of reasons these women

weren't getting pregnant after 35.

Maybe their husbands had gone to war.

Maybe they had diseases.

Or, I don't know,

maybe they just stopped having sex.

Um...

_

They truth is, in modern data,

average woman age 27 who's healthy

has an 86% chance of getting
pregnant within a year.

And that same woman at age 37,

her chances are to 82%.

That's like barely a difference.

You know, if you don't have
fertility problems already,

you can have a baby
later than you think.

Age doesn't really
affect fertility that much

until you're in your 40s.

Take it from me, I had three kids...

one at 35, another at 38,
and then at 40.

Whew, congratulations.

Honestly, it was no sweat.

Okay, farmers, let's get you

back to the past where you belong.

Thanks, Jean.

Yeah, au revoir, everyone, au revoir.

Yeah, merci very much.

But I read that by the age of 40,

your chances of birth defects double.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

You know, the hen house may be workin',

but the eggs are goin' sour.

Not quite.

Miscarriages do become more common,

but your chances of having
a baby with a birth defect

only "double" from .5%... to 1%.

That's like nothing.

Yeah, exactly.

But if they say it doubles,
it sounds way scarier

and sells more magazines.

All this fear-mongering
has caused a generation of women

to panic that they're going
infertile in their 30s.

And if you've seen this show before,

you know what happens
when people get scared...

corporate America swoops in
to take advantage.

?

(WIND WHIPPING)

Egg freezing industry,
"ice" to meet you.

Egg freezing began as a way for women

to save their eggs before
undergoing chemotherapy.

But today, it's grown into
vanity industry

that preys on fertility fear.

Your eggs are rotting, fast.

So we're gonna freeze some now
and thaw them out later

when you're ready to have a baby.

What she failed to mention

is that each of those eggs
only has a 2% to 12% chance

of resulting in a baby,

and the whole shebang is gonna cost you

upwards of $20,000.

- 20 grand?
- Yeah.

And all that money is usually wasted.

The vast majority of women
who freeze their eggs

never actually use them because, again,

you can get pregnant in life
later than you think.

You scammer.

Oh, oh, "snow."

(WIND WHIPPING)

That was awesome!

Truth is, Emily,

if you're in good health
through your early 40s,

you don't really need to stress
that much about fertility.

I've been planning my
whole life around the idea

that we have to have a baby soon.

Well, you don't.

If you're not ready to have a kid now,

that's okay... you've got time.

Man, I feel so much better.

You know what? Why rush this?

We should just wait to get...

pregnant?

We're gonna be parents!

Sorry.

I'm pregnant.

There's a thing inside you.

Yeah, there's a...
Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Ah, woof.

It just sucks I can't
get nooched or do judo

for, like, nine months.

Kind of wish I could just,
like, skip the pregnancy

and get right to the baby.

Oh, I can help with that!

(BOTH SCREAM)

Now, let's talk baby names.

?

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Let me do it.

Oh... so you have a baby.

That happened fast.

I know.

I wonder if I'll ever have kids.

You know, I have been
talking to a girl online.

Sure you have, bud.

(BABY CRYING)

Ooh, it's okay, heh.

(GASPS) Ah, wait.

Is that formula?

No, tell me you're breastfeeding.

Oh, um, well, I tried.

But he kind of was having a hard
time latching at the hospital,

and the nurse says it was okay
that I supplement, so...

Um, formula is toxic.
You have to breastfeed.

Ugh, no way.

I hate when people
breastfeed in public.

Do that at home,
nobody wants to see that.

Um, excuse me?

It's totally natural,
women have been doing it

for millions of years. Excuse you.

- It's rude.
- Rude?

Nobody wants to see
your exposed nudity.

Adam, help me.

Tell them which one is right.

Oh, oh, no way am I
getting in the middle of this.

I heard formula has autism in it.

(WOMAN) That's it!

(BOTH) Hi, Miss Murphy.

Hey, Patti.

How many kids do you knuckleheads have?

(BOTH) None.

Well, I have two, so shut up.

You, you're gonna tell a mom

where and when she can feed her baby?

Get a life!

Breastfeeding is normal,
natural, and great.

Preach, sister.

And you, how dare you judge
how a mom feeds her kid.

Formula isn't just healthy and safe,

it's a literal lifesaver.

Emily, let me show you.

Okay.

Knowledge from a primary source.

(SQUEALS)

Oh, thank goodness. Can you help me?

Because the hospital says
it's okay to use formula.

But then I read an article online
that says it's baby poison.

Honey, I was just like you.

First kid, I worried about everything.

Second one, not so much.

And formula isn't poison.

It's a friggin' godsend.

Before formula,

the only way to feed your baby

was to breastfeed.

And forget about
getting anything else done

because breastfeeding
takes 35 hours a week.

What? That's like a full-time job.

And the worst thing is,
if you couldn't breastfeed,

there weren't any other good options.

(IRISH ACCENT) My teat's all tapped.

Looks like bread soaked in water
for you little spud.

This is a real thing people did.

Babies grew up malnourished or died

if their moms couldn't breastfeed.

Oh, that's horrible.

Then, in 1865,

this friggin' Albert Einstein

named Justus von Liebig,

invented baby formula.

Ma'am, your babe shall
no longer dine on duck food.

Instead, he will dine... on science.

Formula allowed women
to leave the house

or join the workforce.

But most importantly,
it saved babies' lives.

Look out, world, here we come!

Hmm!

No, I need that.

Formula isn't scary...
it's a modern miracle.

Okay, but isn't formula
just a bunch of chemicals?

Well, yeah, Emily, it is,

because literally everything
is a bunch of chemicals.

Breast milk is also chemicals.

The question is whether those chemicals

are nutritionally different.

And the answer is no.

Meet professor and lactation
expert Courtney Jung.

Hi, Emily.

- Hi!
- Patti's right.

Formula is a safe
and nutritionally complete

alternative to breast milk.

For things like IQ,
asthma, allergies, eczema,

once you account
for income and education,

there's almost no difference

between breastfeeding
and formula feeding.

The evidence that breastfeeding
makes a difference

is just inconclusive.

Oh, yeah. I formula-fed Murph.

I breastfed his brother Durph,

and they're both idiots.

(MURPH) Aw, Mom!

Durph just threw a bocce ball at me!

Hey, dude, look here.

- Idiot!
-- Dude.

Murph has a brother?

Yeah, luckily he doesn't visit much.

You're done, dude.

The fact is formula feeding
is a completely safe

and nutritious alternative
to breastfeeding.

If you want or need
to feed your baby formula,

do it with confidence.

Wow. Thank you.

Thanks, Professor Jung.

No, wait!

(CAN CLANGS)

What about places where they don't
have access to clean water?

Good question, hairball.

Mixing contaminated water
with formula can be harmful.

But if you use clean water
and sterilized bottles,

it's a completely safe
and nutritious option.

Oh.

Not so fast.

I read mommy blogs, like, for fun.

And they say that breastfeeding
actually makes your baby

love you more because
it releases a bonding chemical

called oxytocin.

Oh, oh, can I take this one?

Go ahead.

Oxytocin is a hormone

that gets released

when you do things like hug or cuddle.

That's why the media loves
to call it "the love hormone."

?

But that same hormone is also released

when you do things like
fire a gun or watch porn.

(GUNSHOT)

That's because hormones
are complicated chemicals

that get released all the dang time.

And the truth is we don't
understand them that well.

According to a comprehensive
review from 2008,

there is no convincing support
for a connection between

breastfeeding and the quality of
the mother-infant relationship.

Hmph!

Breastfeeding is a great way
to bond with your baby.

But it's not the only one.

And the fact is
not all women can do it.

15% of moms can't breastfeed,

not to mention the parents
who foster and adopt.

So, the next time someone
tries to guilt trip you

or any other parent about
how they feed their baby,

you tell them they can eat my feet.

Thanks, Patti.

Wait, where's my baby?

(GENTLY) Then, Ronda ripped
Carmouche's arm back

until she was forced to tap out.

Yeah... and that's the UFC fight
where Mommy and Daddy met.

You know, Emily, another
great benefit of formula

is that while Murph feeds the baby,

you get a chance to...

(SNORING)

Oh, she looks like a little angel.

Wonder how she'll take the news
about postpartum depression?

Nah, I'll break it to her
after she wakes up.

- Shh.
- Okay. Go.

(SNORING)

?

Hello, everybody,

I'm here in the "Adam
Ruins Everything" office

with Courtney Jung because I have

a few more questions for her
about breastfeeding.

So how did we get this idea

that breastfeeding
is the only way to go?

Where'd that come from?

That goes all the way back to 1970s.

You have Nestle producing formula

and aggressively marketing it
in poor countries

where woman don't
have access to clean water,

and they are over diluting
formula because it's expensive.

Oh...

So it leads to babies
that are malnourished

and actually dying.

So you have a spike
in infant mortality.

And that creates the impression
that formula is dangerous.

But all the activism against Nestle,

you have the Nestle Boycott
starting in the 1970s

continuing to this day.

That's the history of the idea
that formula is poison.

So what happened was Nestle
sort of pushed formula

in these places where formula

wasn't really appropriate
in those countries,

but people sort of generalized that

into this overall idea that formula

is bad everywhere when it really isn't.

Well, the fact is
that around 15% of mothers

actually cannot breastfeed. Really?

They will not produce enough
milk to feed their babies.

And so for that 15% of women

who actually, literally,
can't breastfeed,

formula is obviously
a lifesaver for their children.

Those women shouldn't be stigmatized

in any way for that. Right, exactly.

One of the things that happens

is that babies are endangered.

Because women truly believe
all women can breastfeed.

"All women" can breastfeed

is one of the slogans
of breastfeeding advocates.

So women believe,
and doctors tell them,

all women can breastfeed,
which is simply not true.

And so that's what leads to the shame.

And I want to be clear,
like... like your position

is that, uh, breastfeeding
is a great thing to do.

Absolutely.

There's absolutely nothing
wrong with it if...

I have two kids,
I've breastfeed both my kids.

For me, it was easy.

But it's not easy for a lot of people.

If breastfeeding works
for you, that's great.

If formula feeding works for you,

your baby's going to be okay, too.

Well, Courtney, thank you so much again

for coming on the show
to talk us about this topic.

with more "Adam Ruins Everything."

(BABY COOING)

(GASPS) Look at you.

Maternal bliss.

This is the happiest time
in a woman's life.

It was probably love at first sight.

God, aren't you just, like,
obsessed with your baby?

I... I mean, I guess.

Wow, look at the time. Let's go.

You'd take a bullet for him, right?

Right?

Hey.

I guess it's... it's just us now.

(BABY FUSSING)

Oh! Shh, shh. Oh, come on.

(BABY CRYING) You're happy.

I'm happy.
Love at first sight, remember?

(CRYING CONTINUES)

Would I take a bullet for you?

I don't know.

I don't know if I would.
I don't know you.

You are a freaking stranger!

Ohh... hi, baby.

(CHUCKLES) Oh... here we go.

There we are.

Uh...

He, Em. What's goin' on?

It's just this instant maternal joy

that everyone says
I'm supposed to feel.

It's not there.

I'm a bad mom.

Emily... you know it's normal

not to instantly fall
in love with your baby, right?

No, it's not!

We're supposed to have this ancient

mother-child bond,

and it's not happening!

Actually, that idea is really recent.

- Really?
- Yeah.

In that past, infant
mortality was so high,

many people preferred
not to get too attached.

Sometimes, they wouldn't
even name the baby

until it had survived an entire year.

Nice to meet you, number four.

I hope you make it.

But after modern medicine,
infant morality plummeted.

It became safer to emotionally
invest sooner,

and we developed this idea of
an instant mother-child romance.

Oh, my!

Who are you?

But as far as scientists can tell,

there's no biological basis
for this behavior.

It's just a cultural shift
we made about 100 years ago.

Now, if you immediately
feel that maternal joy,

that's great.

But if you don't, there's nothing wrong

or unnatural about that.

Sometimes, that kind of love
just takes time to grow.

Or you might have...

(TRUMPET FANFARE)

(SLIDE WHISTLE, WHOOPEE CUSHION)

Postpartum depression!

Oh, no. No, no, no.

I don't want this.

You don't have a choice.

Postpartum depression
is chemically identical

to regular depression,

except it's triggered by pregnancy.

And it's really common.

Every year, up to 600,000 women

get it in the US alone.

That's more common than breast cancer!

Ugh, sorry.

Durph's PT Cruiser wouldn't start.

Whoa, what's happening?
What's this bird?

Oh, he brings...

Postpartum depression!

(SLIDE WHISTLE, CLUNK) What?

Men can get it, too! Hmm.

Oh, this feels awful.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(RAIN PATTERING)

I just don't feel like myself anymore.

I feel stuck.

Like every decision
I am ever going to make,

I have already made.

And I don't know if I like
the way that it turned out.

I just... I feel like
I'm gonna feel this way

for the rest of my life.

You don't have to.

There is an effective treatment
for postpartum depression.

Really? Wh-What is it?

Talking about it.

Research shows that just
a few short therapy sessions

can dramatically reduce
feelings of guilt and sadness.

But we're so scared
to talk about this problem

that more than half of women

never even tell their friends
they have it.

And only 15% ever go to a therapist.

15? That's really low.

Yeah... it's a shame,

because talking
really is the best medicine.

(EXHALES SHAKILY)

Murph... I'm frustrated with our baby,

and sometimes, I regret having him.

And I feel guilty that I feel that way.

Emily...

?

Me, too.

Really?

Yeah... having a baby kinda sucks.

It does!

And he's like so loud.

And like, he's cute, but...

sometimes he just
looks like a wet cashew.

Plus, now there's just...

(BOTH) ...poop everywhere!

Ahh, that feels better.

(THUD)

(STORK) Mm, bea-utiful.

Why are you still here?!

(STORK MUNCHING)

(BOTH SIGH)

I feel really overwhelmed.

Yeah, you're allowed to be.

In this country, we put
so much pressure on ourselves

to live out this
perfect parent narrative.

You have to give birth young,
you have to breastfeed.

You have to fall in love
with your baby instantly

and be happy forever.

But the truth is,

no family's story is the same
as every other's.

And you guys have to do what's best

for you and your family.

Once again, he's right.

And, actually, there's one more
huge cultural norm

you guys have been following
the whole time

without even realizing it.

What?

Wh-What is it?

Oh! I'll show you.

(LOUD CLATTERING, COUPLE SCR)

?

Welcome back! I got more
questions for Jean Twenge.

People say, "Oh, if I
have the kid later,"

they have this idea that, oh, then
the kid's gonna have a worse life.

But there's also the idea that if you
spend more time in the workforce

to sort of get your income up,
or... or save up,

that can be just as beneficial
to the kids' life

in terms of stability or...

Yeah, absolutely...
there's a couple studies

showing that women
who have kids younger, they...

it ends up impacting
their overall lifetime income.

So there's that
consideration, you know,

for the woman or the couple themselves.

But then also for the kid.

I mean, there's advantages
and disadvantages,

no matter when you have your kid.
Right.

So you probably have
a little bit more energy

if you have them earlier,
but you have less money...

and less stability and less maturity.

So I think it's a good message
for women to know

that there's not this,
oh, 35 and you're all done.

I mean, that's sort of
one of the goals of our show

is to sort of reduce worry,

and so that was why we were
so happy to find your work.

Well, and as a psychologist,
I endorse your goal, um...

(LAUGHING)

Reducing worry among the populace.

That's great, well, thank you so
much for being on the show, Jean.

I really appreciate it.
Absolutely, thank you.

(COUPLE SCREAMING)

Where are we?

We're in a time tunnel.
See? Look at all the clocks.

We can't be in a time tunnel.

We have a baby to take care of.

Oh, no you don't.

What?

Oh, none of that happened.

I just took you down
an alternate time line.

Did I not say that in act one?

No!

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

Normally, I say everything
that comes into my head.

I thought I snapped.

Why?!

I'm sorry, I just wanted
to show you guys

that you don't have to follow
this cultural script.

You don't have to beat
the biological clock.

You don't have to be
obsessed with your baby.

Most importantly, if you don't want to,

you don't have to have a kid at all.

What? My mom told me
that if I don't have kids,

I'm going to regret it!

Yeah, isn't life empty without them?

That's true for some people,

but it doesn't have to be for everyone.

Having a child is rewarding,

but it also closes off other life paths

that can be just as rewarding.

That baby really was putting a crimp

in my MMA career.

But who's gonna take care
of us when we're old?

I don't know, maybe each other?

Plus, kids are no guarantee
in that department.

I mean, are you guys
supporting your parents?

Woof, not on a teacher's salary.

Just because you don't have kids

doesn't mean you won't
have kids in your life.

I mean, you could be
godparents or foster parents,

or you could help support
your nieces and nephews.

Durph is gonna need help with that.

Dude is super fertile.

(DURPH LAUGHING)

If you really wanna have kids,
that is great.

But there's no reason you have to.

There is such a thing
as a happy, fulfilled,

no-baby life.

And that's something we all
need to give more credit.

So... what is the test going to say?

I don't know the future.

I just wanted you guys to know that,

no matter what the test says,

you're gonna be okay.

So we might actually be...

(WIND WHOOSHING)

(EMILY) Not pregnant.

Okay.

Okay.

I can live with that.

Yeah... we can wait.

Yeah.

And, since we're not gonna
have a baby right now,

maybe we should go travel.

Or maybe we could get another cat.

(GASPS) Ooh, or we could keep up

naked jujitsu Fridays.

Thanks, Adam.

Oh, and hey...

Yeah?

Don't ever make me give birth again.

My perineum... shht!

Like tissue paper.

Won't happen again!

Bye, friends!

(SIGHS)

Whoop, just got my period.

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