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>> FLY'S UNZIPPED, JACK.

MADE YOU LOOK!

YOU ARE THE ONLY PITCHER WE'VE GOT,

AND I'M IN CHARGE, AND YOU'RE GOING TO BE THERE.

MARTONI'S GOT AN ARM, USE HIM FOR PETE'S SAKE.

>> MARTONI!

SOCIAL SERVICES HAS NOT BEATEN PARKING REGULATIONS

IN 4 LABOR DAYS STRAIGHT.

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF IT.

>> I'M SICK AND TIRED

OF THE TONE YOU'RE TAKING WITH ME.

I'M NOT A KID. I DON'T NEED A LECTURE,

ESPECIALLY ABOUT SOME IDIOTIC SOFTBALL GAME.

>> THIS IS NOT ABOUT A SOFTBALL GAME.

>> THEN WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

>> IT'S ABOUT THIS...

AND WHAT'S THAT?

>> THAT'S THE REACTION I GET FROM YOU

EVERY TIME I MAKE SOME COMMENT ABOUT HOW YOU DO YOUR JOB.

IT'S A REACTION THAT SAYS YOU KNOW IT ALL,

YOU'VE DONE IT ALL, AND I AM ABOUT THE BIGGEST CROSS

ANY SOCIAL SERVICES SUPERVISOR HAS EVER HAD TO BEAR.

>> WELL...

OK, I'M SORRY.

>> YEAH, WELL, SAYING THE WORDS AND MEANING THEM

ARE 2 VERY DIFFERENT THINGS.

>> LOOK, THE POINT IS, I MAY OR MAY NOT

BE AT THE LABOR DAY SOFTBALL GAME.

>> WHY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

ARE YOU LEAVING, JACK?

>> NO!

RENA AND I MAY GO SOMEWHERE.

WE HAVEN'T DONE THAT IN A WHILE.

>> ALL RIGHT...

I'D BETTER MAKE SURE I'VE GOT THEIR NAMES STRAIGHT.

NORMAN BULANKSY?

>> NORMAN MAY NOT BE THERE.

HE WORKS AT THE DOUGHNUT SHOP.

IF THINGS ARE SLOW, THEY LET HIM OFF EARLY,

BUT IF HE HAS TO WORK A FULL SHIFT,

HE WON'T GET BACK TO THE HOUSE ON TIME.

>> ARNOLD WIGGINS?

>> WHAT DAY IS TODAY?

>> TUESDAY.

>> HE WORKS WEDNESDAYS AND SATURDAYS AT THE MOVIE THEATER

AS A JANITOR, SO FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE, HE'LL BE THERE.

>> SOUNDS LIKE YOU DON'T LIKE HIM.

>> I LIKE HIM FINE,

BUT HE CAN BE A HANDFUL. THEY ALL CAN.

>> LUCIEN P. SINGER?

>> LUCIEN WORKS MORNINGS AT THE TRAINING CENTER,

SO HE'LL BE THERE.

>> SO, NORMAN AND LUCIEN ARE DEVELOPMENTALLY DISABLED,

AND ARNOLD IS MANIC-D.

HOW'S HIS MEDICATION?

>> GOOD.

>> GOOD.

>> WHEN HE REMEMBERS TO TAKE IT.

>> UH, WHAT ABOUT BARRY KLEMPER?

>> WELL, IF THE OTHER GUYS ARE FENDER BENDERS,

BARRY'S THE HINDENBURG COMING IN FOR A FAST LANDING.

>> UH-OH.

>> WHAT? PROBLEM?

>> WELL, THERE ARE NEW PEOPLE MOVING IN,

SO I GOT TO FILL THEM IN ON MY BOYS AND WHAT THEY'RE ABOUT.

BUT I SHOULD ALSO BE THERE WITH YOU WHEN YOU GO IN THE HOUSE.

>> JACK, I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE,

I'VE DONE THIS A BUNCH OF TIMES BEFORE.

>> WELL, YOU SHOULD PROBABLY WAIT FOR ME HERE.

THEY GET A LITTLE INSECURE WHEN THINGS CHANGE.

>> JACK, I'LL BE FINE WITH YOUR BOYS,

YOU GO TAKE CARE OF THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK.

>> YES, MA'AM.

HI. I'M JACK PALMER.

I WORK WITH THE SOCIAL SERVICES DEPARTMENT.

>> HI. JOAN MOORE.

>> JUST WANTED TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR NEXT DOOR-NEIGHBORS.

>> OH, SURE!

>> DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BREAKFAST CEREALS?

I HAVE 9 BOXES OF BREAKFAST CEREALS AND 7 HEADS OF LETTUCE,

AND I THINK IT COULD BE A PROBLEM.

I THINK IT COULD BE A REA PROBLEM.

>> ARNOLD?

LET'S SLOW DOWN, OK?

>> TODAY I WENT TO THE MARKET AT THE END OF THE STREET

BECAUSE I WANTED TO GET SOME WHEATIES,

BUT I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHETHER I WANTED ONE BOX OR MORE BOXES,

SO I ASKED THE MANAGER HOW MANY BOXES I SHOULD GET,

"JUST FOR YOU?" HE SAID. "YES, SIR," I SAID.

"17," HE SAID. "THANK YOU," I SAID.

BUT, AND THIS IS THE PART I WANT TO EMPHASIZE,

I COULD ONLY FIND 9 BOXES.

SO, WHAT COULD I DO?

I BOUGHT--WELL, I BOUGHT THE 9 BOXES OF WHEATIES,

AND I BOUGHT 7 HEADS OF LETTUCE, THAT MADE 16,

AND A BAG OF CHARCOAL BRIQUETTES, THAT MADE 17.

SO, YOU SEE, AT LEAST I GOT THE RIGHT NUMBER.

>> WHAT'S THEM?

THEY BE A LOT.

>> HELLO, LUCIEN.

SHE'S VERY SMART, SHE'S JACK'S FRIEND.

>> YOU BE JACK'S RENA?

>> NO, LUCIEN, RENA IS JACK'S WIFE.

WE MET HER, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

RENA'S WHITE.

>> PEOPLE CHANGE.

DID YOU TELL HER?

>> WOULD YOU BE QUIET?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HER

BEFORE WE TELL JACK, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE!

>> SO, THEY'RE ALL WONDERFUL, HARMLESS, DEAR GUYS.

THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD LOVES THEM.

I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW

THERE'S NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT.

>> YEAH, I'M SURE THAT IT'S ALL VERY WELL MEANT,

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW BURT IS GOING TO FEEL ABOUT ALL THAT.

CAREFUL, CAREFUL!

OH, BURT'S MY HUSBAND.

>> I FIGURED.

>> YEAH, AND HE'S REALLY--

HE'S A TRADITIONAL KIND OF A MAN,

AND I JUST DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO BE TOO HAPPY

ABOUT LIVING NEXT DOOR TO RETARDED PEOPLE.

>> MRS. WARREN, THE WORD "RETARDED"--

>> OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY THE REBEL IN THE FAMILY.

I'M THE ONLY WOMAN I KNOW WHO REALLY GETS THE THREE STOOGES.

>> I GOT THIS.

>> OH, IT'S YOUR LIBRARY CARD.

IT'S VERY NICE.

>> YOU SEE MY NAME?

>> YES, IT SAYS LUCIEN SINGER. I SEE IT RIGHT THERE.

>> LUCIEN P. SINGER, AND I MEAN BUSINESS!

>> SO, IF I'M NOT AT THE DAY NUMBER, TRY THE OTHER ONE.

THERE'S A MACHINE ON BOTH.

>> OK.

>> HONESTLY, CALL ME ANY TIME, ALL RIGHT?

>> MOM! >> YEAH?

>> THEY PUT DEVON IN THE KITCHEN!

CAN'T I HAVE HIM IN MY ROOM?

>> DEVON IS THE HAMSTER, AND HE'S A VERY IMPORTANT PERSON AROUND HERE.

>> MOM!

>> YES, YES, YOU CAN HAVE DEVON IN YOUR ROOM,

AND I'M GOING TO COME RIGHT NOW AND HELP YOU MOVE HIM.

OK, BYE.

>> ALL RIGHT, THANKS A LOT, MRS. WARNER,

GOOD TO MEET YOU.

>> YEAH, OK. HERE I COME!

THANK YOU.

I STOPPED ENOUGH I THINK.

>> ARNOLD, THERE HAS TO BE AN EXPLANATION.

HOW ON EARTH DID YOU WIND UP WITH ALL THIS STUFF?

>> BUYING BOOKS, JACK.

YOU SAID IT'S SMART, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SAID SO.

>> WHEATIES AND LETTUCE, YOUR KIND OF NEW TASTE TREAT.

>> DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE YEARBOOK, 1948,

DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE YEARBOOK, 1949, 1950, 1951.

>> YOU HAVE TO STUDY AGRICULTURE IN A SET, YEAR BY YEAR.

OTHERWISE, IT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE.

>> THE MAN TOOK ADVANTAGE OF YOU, ARNOLD.

THEY HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE STORE.

LOOK, I ASKED A GIRL IN LINE ABOUT IT, JACK.

I FORGET EXACTLY WHAT SHE SAID,

BUT SHE WAS VERY THOROUGH ABOUT IT!

>> PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU, IT'S NOT RIGHT.

>> NOW, THE FOOD HAS TO GO BACK.

>> IT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY!

>> ARNOLD...

DID YOU TAKE YOUR MEDICATION?

>> THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN CARING AND NAGGING, JACK.

YOU'RE VERY CLOSE TO THE LINE.

>> OH, BOY. THE BUS SURE WAS CROWDED.

I HAD TO SIT UP FRONT WITH OLD PEOPLE.

ONE OF THOSE OLD PEOPLE SAID, "HOW ARE YOU TODAY?"

OH, BOY. I HATE THOSE QUESTIONS.

WHOSE WHEATIES?

>> YOU HAD TO MENTION THEM, DIDN'T YOU?

YOU COULDN'T JUST IGNORE THEM, COULD YOU, NORMAN?

YOU COULDN'T JUST IGNORE.

>> HI, NORMAN.

>> OH, JACK! HI, JACK, HOW ARE YOU?

THE JOB'S GOING GREAT. NICE TO SEE YOU.

WELL, I'D BETTER GET TO BED, I'M REAL SLEEPY.

THAT BUS--OH, BOY-- WAS IT EVER CROWDED.

I HAD TO SIT UP FRONT WITH THE OLD PEOPLE.

I NEED A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, SO GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE!

COME AGAIN!

>> WHAT'S THAT UNDER YOUR SHIRT, NORMAN?

>> OH, BOY. DO I HAVE SOMETHING UNDER MY SHIRT?

I'M REALLY GLAD YOU TOLD ME. WHAT COULD IT BE?

>> THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING US.

>> DOUGHNUTS!

I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE! DOUGHNUTS!

>> HEY, NORMAN.

THIS AIN'T JACK'S WIFE.

DID YOU TELL JACK YET?

>> LUCIEN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE QUIET,

YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE AWAY THE SURPRISE!

>> HEY.

>> HEY! LISTEN TO ME.

NORMAN, DITCH THE DOUGHNUTS.

TELL ME WHAT? WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO TELL ME?

>> I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

JACK, JACK, I'LL PUT THEM IN THE FRIDGE, JACK.

YOU KNOW, FOR LATER.

>> NO, NORMAN, I DON'T WANT YOU SNACKING OFF OF THOSE THINGS

OR I'LL TAKE YOUR KEYS.

>> JACK. JACK, I--I NEED MY KEYS.

I NEED MY KEYS TO GET INTO THINGS.

KEYS ARE PRETTY IMPORTANT IN THE DOUGHNUT LINE, JACK.

OH, DON'T BE SUCH A BRAGGER.

WE NEED LOTS OF KEYS IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS, TOO.

>> HELLO, MY NAME IS NORMAN BULANSKY, WELCOME TO MY HOME!

>> NORMAN!

NORMAN, WAIT!

GET RID OF THE DOUGHNUTS.

AND, ARNOLD, MAKE YOUR PEACE WITH IT.

THAT STUFF HAS TO GO BACK TO THE STORE.

>> OH, JACK!

>> HELLO?

>> HI. >> HELLO.

WE'RE HERE TO SEE THE HOUSE.

>> I'M SORRY?

>> TELL HIM, TELL HIM, TELL HIM!

>> Shh, Lucien, be quiet!

>> JUST ONE SECOND.

TELL ME WHAT?

>> WE'RE GOING TO SELL THE HOUSE, JACK!

>> LUCIEN, YOU DON'T OWN THE HOUSE.

>> JACK, IT DOESN'T MATTER, UH...

THIS IS NOT THE WAY WE WANTED YOU TO FIND OUT,

BUT THAT'S PLANS FOR YOU.

WE WERE GOING TO HAVE THIS BIG SURPRISE PARTY FOR YOU,

BUT, HEY, THAT'S PLANS.

>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

>> JACK, WE GOT MILLIONS!

LOOK! SEE?

ARNOLD WIGGINS IS THE WINNER OF $10 MILLION

WHEN HE RETURNS THE WINNING SWEEPSTAKES NUMBER!

>> $10 MILLION, JACK!

>> THE FIRST THING I'M GOING TO DO IS BUY A TICKET TO RUSSIA,

THAT'S WHERE TCHAIKOVSKY COMES FROM.

>> WHO'S CHAKOPSKI?

>> THE GREATEST COMPOSER SINCE NEIL SEDAKA.

>> ARNOLD, YOU CAN'T USE THIS.

UH, THERE WAS A "FOR SALE" CARD

DOWN ON THE STOP AND SHOP BULLETIN BOARD?

>> IF WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A PARTY, I'VE GOT THE DOUGHNUTS!

>> WE'LL JUST TAKE A PEEK AT THE KITCHEN.

>> DOUGHNUT?

>> UH, NO, THANKS.

>> ARNOLD, LISTEN TO ME,

YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE WINNING NUMBERS.

>> WELL, WE'RE GOING TO RETURN IT!

WHAT DO YOU THINK, I'M GOING TO HANG ONTO THE WINNING NUMBER?

>> ARNOLD, STOP FOR A SECOND.

>> HEY, JACK! HOW MANY RUBLES IS $10 MILLION!?

>> ARNOLD! STOP!

JACK?

WHEN WILL I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY

TO MEET THE OTHER GENTLEMAN WHO LIVES HERE?

MR. KLEMPER, I THINK HIS NAME IS.

>> DO ANY OF YOU GUYS KNOW WHEN BARRY'S GOING TO BE BACK HERE?

>> HE BE TEACHING.

HE'S A GOOD TEACHER.

>> MR. KLEMPER IS A TEACHER?

MM-HMM.

>> WHAT DOES HE TEACH?

>> AGAIN, MRS. FREMUS, AGAIN.

>> AGAIN WHAT?

SWING AND MISS AGAIN?

>> WE'RE NOT ALWAYS IN CONTROL.

>> ISN'T THERE SOME ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE ME?

ISN'T THAT WHAT A TEACHER IS SUPPOSED TO DO?

>> IT'S NOT IMPORTANT THAT I TEACH, MRS. FREMUS.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT YOU LEARN.

AGAIN.

>> UH!

>> HEH HEH.

>> BARRY'S NOT LIKE THE OTHER GUYS.

HE'S PRETTY MUCH INTO HIMSELF.

HE'S A GRADE-A SCHIZOPHRENIC,

HE'S GOT A HISTORY OF INSTITUTIONS,

HIS FAMILY HAS WRITTEN HIM OFF.

HE'S ON THE EDGE OF FALLING OFF THE EDGE OF THE WORLD.

BUT HE'S VERY RESOURCEFUL.

>> WHAT'S THAT MEAN, RESOURCEFUL?

>> HE'S PRETTY MUCH CONVINCED HIMSELF HE'S A GOLF PRO.

HE COPES BETTER THAN MOST WITH HIS LEVEL OF ILLNESS.

AT WHAT COST DOWN THE LINE, I DON'T KNOW.

>> SOUNDS LIKE A TEST.

>> THEY'RE ALL A TEST.

THE QUESTION ON THE TEST THAT MATTERS IS...

>> YEAH?

>> WHETHER OR NOT I'M PASSING.

>> ALL RIGHT, MRS. FREMUS.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

>> THE BALL.

>> ASPIRE TO GREATNESS, MRS. FREMUS,

ASPIRE TO GREATNESS!

>> EXCUSE ME?

>> LOOK AT A DIMPLE ON THE BALL.

ONE SPECIFIC DIMPLE ON THE BALL.

PICK OUT ONE SPECIFIC DIMPLE AND ZERO IN!

>> WITH BIFOCALS, THIS ISN'T A WALK IN THE PARK, YOU KNOW.

>> THERE'S OUR GUY.

>> WHO'S THE LADY?

>> MRS. FREMUS. SHE'S A WIDOW LADY I SET HIM UP WITH.

>> MRS. FREMUS, I'M DISAPPOINTED.

>> HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?

>> DID I TELL YOU TO SWING?

>> NO.

>> AND DID YOU HIT THE BALL?

>> NO.

>> THERE'S A CONNECTION, MRS. FREMUS.

THESE THINGS ARE INTERRELATED.

>> IT IS TIME FOR MY SOAP.

>> MRS. FREMUS--

>> I AGREED TO BE YOUR STUDENT BECAUSE YOU ARE A NICE BOY.

AND I WAS TOLD YOU NEEDED STUDENTS.

FINE, I WILL TAKE ANOTHER LESSON TOMORROW,

BUT MARY FREMUS DOES NOT MISS HER SOAP.

NOT FOR YOU OR ANYBODY.

HELLO, MRS. FREMUS.

Mrs. OH!

>> HEY, BARRY.

>> HEY, JACK, HOW'S THE MAN?

>> GOOD. I HAVE SOMEONE I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET.

>> HELLO, BARRY, I'M MRS. TRACY, I WORK WITH JACK.

>> WELL, YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK, I'M TOTALLY BOOKED UP.

AT THE DONUT SHOP I FOUND

A MAGAZINE IN THE MEN'S ROOM

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS IN THERE.

>> WHAT? WHAT WAS IN THERE?

>> I BE LOOKIN AT MY BOOKS.

>> THERE WERE GIRLS IN THERE

WITH... OH BOY... NOTHING ON!

I MEAN, OH BOY, NOTHING!

>> NOTHING? YOU REALLY MEAN NOTHING?

>> ONE GIRL WAS IN THE SNOW.

SHE, SHE HAD NOTHING ON.

>> IN THE SNOW WITH NOTHING ON?

>> SHE HAD A HAT.

>> AND THAT'S ALL?

>> IT BE A SET.

AND THOSE BIG SHOES

LIKE, LIKE GIANT TENNIS RACKETS.

YOU'VE GOT TO GET THE SET YEAR BY YEAR.

THAT'S THE WAY THEY TEACH IT IN AGRICULTURE.

BOY SHEILA BE TOO SMART TO GO IN THE SNOW

WITHOUT CLOTHES ON.

>> WHO'S SHEILA?

>> THE GIRL I DANCE WITH SOMETIMES

AT THE COMMUNITY CENTER.

I'M... I'M GONNA ASK JACK IF I CAN BRING SHEILA OVER HERE.

>> ALONE?

NORMAN, HE WON'T LET YA.

I'VE ALREADY ASKED.

>> YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD HAVE SALLY FIELDS COME OVER.

>> YA, WELL HE STILL SAID NO AND FAIR IS FAIR. BESIDES,

ISN'T SHEILA THE ONE WHO SAID YOU'RE TOO FAT?

>> WELL, SHE'S NOT NO SKINNY MINI HERSELF YOU KNOW.---

BARRY!

BORN IN A BARN, BORN IN A BARN.

I GOT BARNS IN MY BOOKS.

>> AAH! THERE'S A RAT, THERE'S A RAT!

>> THERE'S A RAT! THERE'S A RAT!

IT CARRIES THE PLAGUE!

TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, IT CAN'T SEE IN THE DARK!

>> I THINK WE BE NEEDING TO CALL JACK.

TV announcer: ACROSS THE 40, DOWN TO THE 30...

>> YES, LUCIEN'S SWEET AND LIKABLE, GRANTED, BUT--

NO, HE LOVES PEOPLE. I'M SURE HE'LL PRESENT HIMSELF VERY WELL,

BUT HE'S FRAGILE,

AND THIS IS GOING TO PUT A LOT OF PRESSURE ON HIM, SO--

YES, IT'S YOUR DECISION TO MAKE, I UNDERSTAND THAT.

UH-HUH.

HANG ON A SEC. I GOT ANOTHER CALL.

I'M SORRY. HOLD ON.

HELLO?

YES, IT IS.

YEAH, OK, I'LL TELL HER.

DR. RACINE...

00 ON TUESDAY, GOT IT.

OK, THANK YOU. BYE.

HI, I'M BACK.

LISTEN, IF THIS THING WITH LUCIEN IS A DONE DEAL,

JUST TELL ME AND I'LL DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO, 'CAUSE...

I'M SORRY, HERE WE GO AGAIN. I FEEL LIKE A BOOKIE. HANG ON.

HELLO?

LUCIEN?

>> WE GOT A RAT!

THERE'S A RIOT?

>> A RAT, A RAT, A BIG FAT UGLY ONE!

>> A RAT, A RODENT, A PLAGUE-CARRIER, JACK!

>> JACK! I'M PUTTING OUT DOUGHNUTS FOR BAIT, JACK!

>> HEY, JACK?

DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA IF WE HAD A PLAN?

DON'T YOU THINK THAT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA?

>> THERE HE GOES!

>> CATCH IT, KILL IT,

FLUSH IT, AND DO NOT BOTHER ME

WITH THIS KIND OF STUFF AT MY HOME EVER AGAIN!

>> CATCH IT, KILL IT, FLUSH IT.

OK, THANK YOU, JACK!

>> HI, I'M BACK, SORRY.

HELLO? HELLO?

HELLO...HELLO?

WELL, I GUESS IT'S A DONE DEAL.

>> WHAT'S A DONE DEAL?

>> THEY WANT LUCIEN TO TESTIFY BEFORE A STATE SENATE COMMITTEE

THAT'S TALKING ABOUT BUDGET CUTS FOR THE PROGRAM.

HE'D BE SCARED STIFF.

HEY, ARE YOU OK?

>> WHY WOULDN'T I BE OK?

>> WELL, YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A DR. RACINE TUESDAY.

HE JUST CALLED TO CONFIRM.

>> WE--

WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR. RACINE.

HE'S A SHRINK, A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.

>> A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?

>> WHEN YOU'RE HERE, YOU'RE NOT HERE.

PHYSICALLY, WE'RE JUST A MEMORY.

>> NOT SO.

>> YES, SO.

TO PROVE IT, THERE'S THE SMALL MATTER OF A BIRTHDAY

THAT GOT TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN.

SO YOU WANT TO GO SEE A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR

BECAUSE I FORGOT YOUR BIRTHDAY?

NOT MINE, YOURS.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I LOVE YOU.

I HOPE IT FITS.

THERE! HE'S THERE!

>> HE'S CAUGHT. HE'S TRAPPED. HE'S A BIG ONE.

>> NORMAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RATS CAN'T SEE IN THE DARK. IT'S A BEHAVIOR PATTERN.

>> HE BE DRUGGED.

>> WE NEED A PLAN! WE NEED AN AIRTIGHT PLAN!

NORMAN, TURN OFF THE LIGHT!

LUCIEN, COUNT TO 3 AND THEN CLOSE THE DOOR,

BUT DON'T LET THE RAT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

>> I BE HOME.

>> WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

DON'T LET THE RAT KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

>> TELL HIM YOU'RE NOT HOME.

>> I BE NOT HOME!

LUCIEN, SHUT THE DOOR!

>> OK.

THERE HE GOES!

>> I GOT HIM!

OW!

>> WHAT HAPPENED? DID HE BITE YOU?

>> NO, I FELL ON MY KEYS.

>> CHECK IT OUT. DID YOU GET HIM OR DID YOU NOT GET HIM?

>> AHH.

HE'S STILL MOVIN'!

DIE! DIE!

>> STOP!

CHECK IT OUT. WE MAY BE INTO OVERKILL HERE.

>> MM. AAH.

OH, BOY. MM.

>> OOH. >> WE GOT HIM.

WE GOT THE RAT.

>> WE GOT THE RAT.

>> HE WAS A BRAVE RAT.

HE DIED AN HONORABLE, BRAVE RAT'S DEATH.

>> JACK SAID WE SHOULD FLUSH HIM.

>> JACK DID SAY "FLUSH HIM."

>> WELL, SOMEBODY OUGHT TO SAY SOMETHING.

>> LORD, HERE COME THE RAT.

>> ARNOLD, ANYONE WHO CAN FLUSH A RAT

CAN DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT. A PERSON WHO CAN FLUSH A RAT

OUGHTA BE ABLE TO DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING,

EVEN RETURN GROCERIES.

MAYBE.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT TESTIFYING, JACK.

NO, THIS ISN'T THE KIND OF TESTIFYING

YOU DO IN CHURCH, LUCIEN.

THIS IS TESTIFYING FOR THE STATE SENATE.

>> WHAT'S THE STATE'S NET?

>> STATE SENATE, LUCIEN. IT'S A GROUP OF PEOPLE

WHO ARE INTERESTED IN HOW YOU'RE DOIN'.

THEY JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU,

HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY.

>> IS RENA GONNA BE THERE?

>> NO. SHE GOT A HAPPY SMILE.

NO, RENA'S GOT A LOT OF STUFF GOIN' ON.

SHE'LL BE HAPPY TO HEAR WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY ABOUT HER SMILE.

>> CAN I SING THE ALPHABET SONG?

>> UH-HUH.

>> I GOT IT GOOD.

>> I KNOW THAT, PAL. YOU GOT THAT DOWN PAT.

HEY, YOU'LL GET TO WEAR YOUR TIE.

>> NOT THAT TIE. IT'S A CLIP-ON,

AND BARRY SAYS ONLY BABIES WEAR THE CLIP-ON TIES.

>> OK, WE'LL GET YOU A GROWN-UP TIE, THEN.

>> CAN I HAVE A SPIDER-MAN TIE?

>> YEAH. >> I REALLY WANT A SPIDER-MAN TIE.

>> SPIDER-MAN TIE IT IS.

OK, 1, 2, 3, GO.

ALL RIGHT.

>> JACK?

>> YEAH?

>> YOU HAVE TO TIE IT FOR ME.

>> THANKS A LOT. I'LL CHECK WITH TOM.

>> EXCUSE ME.

>> I CAN TAKE YOU OVER HERE, SIR.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS WEATHER WE'RE HAVING?

OH, I SWEAR. WINTER COMES HERE SOONER EVERY YEAR.

EVERYBODY IN MY HOME SAYS IT'S JUST MY IMAGINATION.

HOW YOU DOIN' TODAY?

>> UH, F-FINE.

WAY TO GO.

GEE, YOU SURE LIKE YOUR BREAKFAST CEREAL.

YOU MUST BE LOOKING TO CORNER THE MARKET.

>> NOT ONE OF THE PEOPLE AT THE DRIVING RANGE

ASKED TO BE ONE OF MY STUDENTS-- NOT ONE--

AND I'M VERY OBVIOUSLY THERE AS A RESOURCE TO THESE PEOPLE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S VERY OBVIOUS.

>> I BE YOUR STUDENT IF YOU WANT.

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S ETHICAL.

DOCTORS DON'T OPERATE ON THEIR OWN--

>> JACK GOT ME TALKIN' TO THE STATE'S NET.

MAYBE I CAN TALK TO THEM

ABOUT MY GOLF.

>> MAIL CALL.

"OCCUPANT... OCCUPANT...

"RESIDENT... ARNOLD WIGGINS' YACHTING MAGAZINE.

>> WHAT YOU DOIN' HERE, NORMAN?

YOU 'POSED TO BE AT WORK.

>> I CAN'T PRACTICE DANCIN' IN THE DOUGHNUT SHOP.

SHEILA AND ME ARE GONNA DANCE TONIGHT.

I'LL PLAY THE RADIO IN MY ROOM AND PRACTICE.

>> JACK GOT ME PRACTICIN' FOR THE STATE'S NET.

>> YEAH. OH, AND BARRY KLEMPER.

COMES FROM SOMEBODY NAMED KLEMPER, TOO.

BOY, WHAT ARE THE ODDS ON THAT?

>> OH.

>> CAN I HAVE THE STAMP

WHEN YOU'RE THROUGH WITH IT?

CAN I? BARRY?

THAT WAS A MARILYN MONROE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY MARILYN MONROES.

OH, BOY, BOLOGNA.

YOU GONNA FINISH THAT?

>> BARRY'S STUDENT, HELLO!

HELLO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! HEY THERE.

YOO-HOO!

IF YOU'RE BARRY'S STUDENT--

>> I AM.

>> HE WON'T BE HERE. HE--

HE LEFT A YELLOW STICKY NOTE ON THE DOOR

ASKING ME TO COME FIND HIS STUDENT AND TELL 'EM--

>> AND THAT IS AGAINST THE LAW.

>> MISSING A LESSON IS AGAINST THE LAW?

THAT'S WORSE THAN RUSSIA. IT'S MUCH WORSE.

>> TAKING A SHOPPING CART OFF OF SUPERMARKET PROPERTY IS AGAINST THE LAW.

THERE'S EVEN A LITTLE SIGN IN THE FRONT

THAT SAYS THAT VERY THING.

IT'S LIKE PARKING IN A HANDICAPPED SPACE.

PEOPLE NOWADAYS JUST DON'T CARE.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

OH, DEAR.

OH, OH, DEAR.

OH. DO YOU HAPPEN TO LIKE SOAPS?

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ONE?

>> LIFEBUOY.

>> HE WENT RIGHT ON DOWN

JUST LIKE TOILET PAPER.

I WAS TELLIN' JACK ABOUT OUR RAT.

>> OH, BOY. WE COULDN'T HAVE CAUGHT HIM,

BUT WE TURNED THE LIGHTS OUT.

THAT--THAT BLINDS 'EM.

>> WELL, YOU GUYS HAD SOME KIND OF BUSY NIGHT.

>> AND TODAY, AND TODAY.

>> WHY, WHAT HAPPENED TODAY?

>> OH! OH, BARRY GOT A LETTER.

>> LETTER MADE BARRY SAD.

>> I'VE NOT BEEN SAD. I'VE BEEN POIGNANT.

IT'S A POIGNANT THING WHEN A FATHER COMES TO SEE HIS SON.

YOUR DAD'S COMIN' TO SEE YOU, BARRY?

>> HEY! >> YOUR FATHER'S COMIN'!

YOU DIDN'T TELL US-- >> DON'T HAVE A COW.

IT'S--IT'S FINE THAT HE'S COMING.

HE'S JUST-- HE'S A VERY BUSY MAN...

BUT HE SENDS ME CANDY EVERY YEAR ON MY BIRTHDAY.

AND IT ALWAYS GETS THERE ON TIME.

IT'S JUST--DON'T-- DON'T--DON'T HAVE A COW.

IT'S JUST MY DAD COMIN' TO SEE ME

WHEN HIS SCHEDULE PERMITS.

DADS LOVE THEIR SONS. SONS LOVE THEIR DADS.

IT'S NOT A HISTORICAL EVENT.

MY DAD IS COMING TO SEE HIS SON.

SO BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. THAT'S SO--

>> SO IT IS A NICE THING.

>> WE SHALL SEE WHAT WE SHALL SEE.

>> AND I'M GONNA DANCE WITH SHEILA TONIGHT.

>> AND SHE'S A LUCKY GIRL.

YA GOTTA BOOGIE. YA GOTTA ROCK 'N' ROLL.

COME ON, GUYS.

>> OH, AND ARNOLD TOOK HIS GROCERIES BACK TO THE STORE.

>> ARNOLD, IS THAT TRUE?

YOU TOOK THE STUFF BACK?

>> IT'S TRUE.

I TOOK THE GROCERIES BACK TO THE STORE.

>> WHAT?

COME ON, LUCIEN. TIME'S A-WASTIN'.

>> TIME'S A-WASTIN'.

>> COME ON. DON'T BE A SLOWPOKE.

>> ARNOLD, I'M PROUD OF YOU.

>> RENA GONNA BE THERE TONIGHT, JACK?

>> I HOPE SO.

>> JACK--

>> SEAT BELTS.

>> SEAT BELTS.

>> RENA ALWAYS SMELL NICE.

>> LUCIEN?

>> HMM?

>> WHEN YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

>> YOU GUYS KEEP YOUR NOSES CLEAN.

THAT MEANS BEHAVE YOURSELVES.

STAY OUT OF TROUBLE. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

JACK. HEY, JACK.

HEY. Second man: ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THERE. THERE. THAT ONE.

I DANCED WITH HER 2 WEEKS AGO.

WE DID THE BUNNY HOP TWICE.

>> OH, BOY. I LIKE THE BUNNY HOP.

IT'S--IT'S LIKE AEROBICS ON TV.

>> THERE'S FREDDY GALANZO.

HE THINKS HE'S ROBERT GOULET OR SOMEBODY.

EVER SINCE HE GOT SNEAKERS WITH A STRIPE ON 'EM,

HE THINKS HE'S ROBERT GOULET.

>> WHO'S ROBERT GOULET?

>> JUST THE GREATEST DANCER WHO EVER LIVED, THAT'S ALL.

>> BARRY?

>> YA.

>> MAYBE I COULD GOLF.

>> YA.

>> I KILLED A RAT.

>> KILLING RATS AND PLAYING GOLF

ARE TOTALLY TWO DIFFERENT THINGS.

WELL, MAYBE NOT TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

>> HEY NORMAN, THERE'S SHEILA.

NORMAN, I SAID THERE'S SHEILA.

>> I HEAR YOU. I'M NOT BLIND.

>> I'LL TELL YOU WHAT. I'LL TALK TO YOU BEFORE I LEAVE.

HI, SHEILA.

>> HI, JACK.

>> HOW'S IT GOIN' WITH--

JACK. >> HEH HEH.

HEY, BRUCE.

HI, JACK. >> HI, CAROLYN.

HI, JACK.

HI.

>> HEY.

>> HEY.

WE SHOULD PROBABLY DANCE, HUH?

HEY, JAMES.

HEY, JACK. PUT IT THERE.

>> HA HA.

YOU GUYS ARE DANCIN'.

>> SO HAVE YOU DECIDED YET?

>> DECIDED WHAT?

>> WHETHER THIS IS THE SADDEST PLACE ON EARTH

OR THE HAPPIEST.

>> DISNEYLAND IS THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH.

THIS ISN'T DISNEYLAND.

>> JUST A SECOND.

HI.

HEY, NORMAN. WHERE'S ARNOLD?

>> BATHROOM. NUMBER ONE.

>> HOW COME YOU'RE NOT DANCING WITH SHEILA?

>> SHE WANTS MY KEYS, JACK. EVERY TIME WE DANCE,

SHE ASKS ABOUT GETTIN' MY KEYS.

I NEED MY KEYS TO GET INTO THINGS.

>> NORMAN, WHAT IF YOU GAVE YOUR KEYS TO JACK

JUST TO HOLD WHILE YOU DANCE WITH SHEILA?

SHE CAN'T EXPECT YOU TO GIVE HER YOUR KEYS

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THEM ON YOU.

>> JACK, SHE'S SMART ENOUGH TO BE DOING FINAL JEOPARDY.

>> HI, SHEILA.

>> HI, NORMAN.

>> HI, SHEILA. >> HI, NORMAN.

>> HELLO, MY NAME IS NORMAN BULANSKY.

WELCOME TO MY DANCE.

>> HI, NORMAN. YOUR SHIRT IS NICE.

>> OH. IT--IT'S MY DOUGHNUT SHOP SHIRT.

>> WANNA DANCE? >> WANNA DANCE?

>> WATCH OUT FOR THAT FAUCET.

>> ARNOLD.

>> WHAT? OOH, JACK, JACK,

THE FAUCET IN THE BATHROOM,

IT JUST--IT WENT CRAZY. IT EXPLODED.

THERE'S WATER EVERYWHERE.

>> GREAT. >> OH, JACK, STOP.

>> WHAT? I GOTTA TAKE CARE OF IT.

>> STOP. NO, JACK, DON'T YOU GET IT?

>> WHAT?

>> IT'S PERFECT.

THIS IS JUST PERFECT.

>> WHAT HAPPENED?

>> LET ME TELL YOU WHAT I DID.

I WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

I WAS CAREFUL AS ALWAYS,

AND I EVEN REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS,

BUT A COUPLE OF DROPS WENT DOWN MY PANTS.

>> THAT HAPPENS TO GUYS SOMETIMES, ARNOLD.

>> BUT JACK, IT MADE ME DEEPLY NERVOUS.

SO I WENT INTO ONE OF THE STALLS

TO WAIT FOR 'EM TO KINDA, YOU KNOW, DRY.

BUT GET THIS, JACK. MY PANTS-- THEY WOULDN'T DRY.

I MEAN, THEY MUST BE SOME KIND OF CHEMICAL OR SOMETHIN'.

THEY WOULDN'T DRY, THOUGH.

SO I GOT THIS GREAT IDEA.

I FIGURED IF I SPLASHED WATER ALL OVER MYSELF

PEOPLE WOULDN'T THINK IT WAS PEE.

THEY WOULD THINK IT WAS SOMETHIN' ELSE.

SO, SO FAR, I'VE TOLD 4 PEOPLE

THAT THE WATER ONLY IS AN EXPLOSION AND NOT PEE.

I'VE HAD GREAT RESULTS.

>> MY SISTER SAYS TO DANCE REAL GOOD,

YOU GOTTA MAKE-BELIEVE YOU'RE SOME KIND OF FLOWER.

>> AN AFRICAN VIOLET IN THE SINK.

>> AND YOU KNOW WHAT FLOWER I WOULD BE?

>> OH BOY, LET ME GUESS.

AH... AN AFRICAN VIOLET?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

GOTTA BE SOME KINDA FLOWER TO DANCE REAL GOOD.

>> LUCIEN CAN I ...

CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING

PERSONAL SOMETHING JUST BETWEEN US?

I MEAN, A SECRET?

>> NORMAN HE BE EATIN DONUTS ALL THE TIME.

>> MY DAD COMING HERE,

MY DAD SCARES ME SOMETHING TERRIBLE.

MY ... SOMETHING TERRIBLE.

>> DADS...

CAN BE SCARY SOMETIMES.

>> NORMAN, GUESS WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> I'M A ORCHID.

>> NOT ME.

>> WELL, THEN WHAT FLOWER ARE YOU?

>> AN APPLE DOUGHNUT WITH RAISINS.

>> THAT'S NICE.

I'M A ORCHID.

>> NORMAN, CAN I HAVE YOUR KEYS?

>> BOY! SHEILA, I NEED MY KEYS.

I CAN'T GET INTO THINGS WITHOUT MY KEYS.

SHEILA, I NEED MY KEYS.

BESIDES, ORCHIDS DON'T HAVE POCKETS TO PUT KEYS INTO.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT.

>> I FORGOT.

>> I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS WANT ME TO TELL YOU.

DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU WHY I HATE MY JOB?

DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU-- YOU WANT ME TO--

DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU THAT EVERY TIME I LOSE MY TEMPER WITH THESE GUYS,

I HATE MYSELF FOR ABOUT A WEEK?

FINE. I ADMIT IT. I NEED A NEW JOB.

BUT THAT DOESN'T HELP.

THEY DO DESERVE BETTER. I DESERVE BETTER.

SOMEBODY DESERVES BETTER.

>> HOW ABOUT YOUR WIFE?

MAYBE SHE DESERVES BETTER.

>> NO MAYBE ABOUT IT.

BUT YOU DON'T SHARE MUCH OF THIS WITH HER.

>> THAT'S NOT TRUE. I SHARE A LOT WITH HER...

DON'T I?

>> YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

YOU DON'T TELL ME HOW IT'S AFFECTING YOU,

BUT I KNOW HOW GUILTY YOU FEEL.

>> WHAT DO I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT?

>> I THINK YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO THEM IF YOU LEAVE.

I THINK YOU FEEL GUILTY ABOUT NEEDING TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FOR A CHANGE.

I THINK A LOT OF THINGS.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT THESE--

THESE DEAR, SWEET, DAMAGED GUYS

ARE EATING YOU UP ALIVE.

>> IS THAT RIGHT, JACK?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

THIS IS HARD TO TALK ABOUT.

>> THAT'S ONE THING I HEAR COPS SAY.

VERY HIGH DIVORCE RATE AMONG COPS.

>> THEY NEED ME.

>> WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE?

>> THEY'LL NEVER NOT NEED ME ANYMORE.

WHO MADE THAT RULE? YOU?

>> NO, NOT ME.

GOD.

>> I'M SORRY.

WE ARE NOT GONNA

HAVE SCRAMMBLED EGGS ANYMORE, NOT EVER!

SCRAMMBLED EGGS STICK LIKE ANYTHING AND IT'S NOT FAIR.

>> WELL, TRY THIS JOB.

THIS IS A REALLY TOUGH JOB.

THIS, THIS ISN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO BY MY JOB.

THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE BARRY'S JOB, BUT...

BUT HE SAYS HE CAN'T DO HIS JOB BECAUSE HIS FATHER IS COMING.

>> LUCIEN P. SINGER BE HOME.

>> HEY LUCIEN

>> HUH.

>> LUCIEN I NEED YOUR HELP.

OKAY.

>> LUCIEN! >> HUH?

>> LUCIEN, YOU NEED TO VACUUM THE LIVING ROOM.

WE NEED TO BE SPIC AND SPAN.

>> BECAUSE WE GOT BARRY'S FATHER COMING.

I KNOW THAT.

>> WHY IS IT ALWAYS BARRY?

SHEILA--SHEILA'S GOTTA COME SEE MY PAD, DON'T FORGET?

>> SHE IS?!

>> IF JACK SAYS YES.

AND THEN WHEN SHEILA AND ME GET MARRIED,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BABY BOY AND THEN A BABY GIRL,

AND--AND THEY CAN ALL GO TO WORK WITH ME AND GET FREE DOUGHNUTS

AND DAY-OLD CRULLERS IF THEY'VE BEEN REALLY, REALLY GOOD.

LUCIEN--LUCIEN, YOU GOTTA PLUG IN THE PLUG.

>> WHEN YOU PLUG IT, IT BE LOUD.

>> WE NEED TO GET THE DUST.

>> NORMAN? >> WHAT?

>> WHERE DO DUST COME FROM?

>> FROM...TREES.

>> WE GOT NO TREES. >> YEAH.

>> CAN I START NOW?

>> NO.

>> COME IN--OW!

MY NAME IS NORMAN BULANSKY. WELCOME TO MY HOME.

>> HI, GUYS.

HEY, JACK.

>> JACK! HI, JACK! HOW ARE YOU?

THE JOB'S GOING GREAT. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

OW!

ARNOLD'S OUT BEATING THE RUGS.

BUT BARRY, HE SAYS HE WON'T HELP. HE'S TOO BUSY.

HE SAYS 'CAUSE HIS DAD'S COMING TO VISIT,

HE NEEDS TO GET READY.

SO HE SAYS HE DON'T HAVE TO DO THE DISHES.

>> OK, I'LL TALK TO HIM, NORMAN.

I GOTTA HIT THE HEAD. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> LUCIEN. >> HUH?

>> LUCIEN, WOULD YOU DO THE DISHES?

>> NO, THANK YOU. I BE DUSTING.

>> AAH!

>> OK, LUCIEN? GOOD MAN.

NORMAN? WAY TO GO.

ARNOLD.

3 A DAY. 2 IS NOT GONNA DO IT.

OH, BARRY, BARRY, BARRY.

>> I HEARD JACK'S VOICE.

WHERE IS HE? I HAVE TO TALK TO HIM.

>> HE BE HITTING HIS HEAD.

>> WELL, THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT CAN'T WAIT.

JACK! WE HAVE TO HAVE A DISCUSSION!

HOLD YOUR HORSES, ARNOLD. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

>> ARNOLD? YOU GOT HORSES?

>> NO, HE'S GOT ME CONFUSED WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

I DON'T HAVE ANY HORSES.

JACK! IT'S ME! ARNOLD!

>> WE GOT NO TREE!

>> OK, ARNOLD. WHAT'S THE BIG EMERGENCY?

>> I'M HAVING A LITTLE BIT OF A PROBLEM WITH THE RUGS.

>> WHAT RUGS? >> THESE RUGS.

>> ARNOLD, YOU GOT HORSES?

>> AND JACK--JACK, WE GOTTA MAKE IT ILLEGAL TO HAVE STEAK SAUCE.

I SCRUB IT, I SCRUB IT. IT WON'T COME OUT.

WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING.

>> NORMAN'S RIGHT. WE NEED TO HAVE A MEETING.

OK. LUCIEN, YOU GO HAVE A MEETING IN YOUR ROOM

AND WORK ON WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY TO THE SENATE PEOPLE TODAY.

HERE. I GOT YOU A PRESENT.

HOW COME HE GETS A PRESENT?!

>> ARNOLD, YOU GO OUTSIDE

AND HAVE A MEETING WITH YOUR RUGS

AND DECIDE WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID ABOUT THAT--

>> YOU KNOW, I COULD JUST MOVE TO RUSSIA

AND I WOULDN'T EVEN HAVE THIS PROBLEM.

I COULD JUST LAY AROUND ALL DAY AND LISTEN TO TCHAIKOVSKY!

>> SPIDER-MAN TIE!

>> COME ON. DON'T STOP WALKING, LUCIEN.

LET'S GO, LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

>> AND I MEAN BUSINESS!

>> OK. GO.

>> JACK, CAN--CAN SHEILA COME OVER HERE SOMETIME?

JUST ME AND HER ALONE.

I--I'D LIKE HER TO SEE...MY PAD.

>> JUST THE TWO OF YOU?

I DON'T KNOW, NORMAN. THAT COULD BE A LITTLE...

TRICKY.

>> BUT BARRY SAYS IF YOU CALL IT A PAD,

GIRLS WILL COME OVER, BECAUSE...

I'M NOT SURE WHY.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, OK?

>> ALL RIGHT, THEN, FINE!

NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE RUGS--

>> IT'S NORMAN'S TURN, ARNOLD. IT IS NOT YOUR TURN.

>> IF ANYONE WANTS ME,

I WILL BE UP IN MY ROOM THINKING ABOUT THESE RUGS,

AND IF A CERTAIN PERSON, FOR INSTANCE,

WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM,

HE'LL HAVE TO ASK ME, AND FRANKLY,

I'M NOT TELLING ANYBODY ANYWAY!

SO, IF HE DOES ASK, HE'S IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE!

>> FINE. THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED IN MY LIFE, ARNOLD,

MORE BIG SURPRISES!

LIKE WHO'S NOT TAKING THEIR MEDICATION?

>> OOOHHH!

>> TAUGHT MYSELF HOW TO TIE. A SPIDER-MAN TIE.

>> JACK! JACK! I'LL CALL SHEILA NOW, OK?

>> NO, NORMAN, YOU WILL NOT CALL SHEILA NOW. NO.

GIVE ME THE PHONE.

ARNOLD, WAIT YOUR TURN!

NO!

>> WILL YOU GUYS GIVE IT A REST?!

I FEEL LIKE I'M INSIDE A BLENDER!

>> FIRST THING MY DAD WILL SEE WHEN HE COMES IN.

BARRY, YOUR DAD DOESN'T ARRIVE TILL TOMORROW, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

WELL, YOU KINDA WALLED OFF THE BATHROOM.

>> WE CAN USE THE BUSHES, JACK.

NO, LUCIEN, YOU CAN'T USE THE BUSHES.

>> OR HOLD IT. WE COULD HOLD IT.

>> ARNOLD, YOU CAN'T HOLD IT FOR AN ENTIRE DAY.

>> IF WE CLENCH, I BET WE CAN.

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

WE CAN USE THE GAS STATION ON WOODLOW.

>> HELLO. MY NAME IS NORMAN BULANSKY.

WELCOME TO MY...HOME.

>> HELLO. I'M...

>> MY NAME IS KAREN WARREN.

MY HUSBAND AND I, WE JUST-- WE MOVED IN NEXT DOOR.

>> LUCIEN P. SINGER, AND I MEAN BUSINESS.

HELLO, MR. SINGER.

>> HI. >> HELLO AGAIN.

I AM SO SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

THAT'S OK. WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?

IT'S PRETTY IMPORTANT AT OUR HOUSE.

MY SON'S HAMSTER GOT OUT OF ITS CAGE,

AND BURT AND I HAVE JUST HAD NO LUCK IN TRACKING THE LITTLE DEVIL DOWN.

WE'VE BEEN TO EVERY OTHER HOUSE ON THE BLOCK.

I, UH...

I--I SAVED THIS HOUSE FOR LAST BECAUSE I...

OF COURSE, I DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.

>> YOUR SON'S HAMSTER IS MISSING?

>> AREN'T HAMSTERS MEMBERS OF THE RODENT FAMILY?

>> MM-HMM. IT HAS KIND OF CUTE LITTLE EARS

AND A WIGGLY KIND OF NOSE.

>> HOW--HOW BIG IS HE?

1-1/2 DOUGHNUTS TO 2 DOUGHNUTS LONG?

OR ABOUT THE SIZE OF A FRENCH CRULLER?

>> YES. IT WOULD BE-- YES. RIGHT.

ABOUT--ABOUT LIKE THAT, YES.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU COULD GIVE US SOME HELP IN FLUSHING HIM OUT,

I WOULD BE SO GRATEFUL.

>> FLUSHING. OH, WE'VE BEEN FLUSHING.

OH, BOY.

>> THEY JUST LOVE ANIMALS.

THEY'RE VERY SENSITIVE WHEN IT COMES TO ONE GETTING LOST.

>>

>> KNOCK IT OFF, BARRY.

>> THIS IS BAD. THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD.

>> OH, BOY.

>> I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET THEM.

>> DOWN HE GOES, JUST LIKE TOILET PAPER.

>> OH, NO, IT'S OK. LOOK, MRS. WARREN,

WE'LL DO EVERYTHING WE CAN, REALLY.

IF ANYTHING COMES UP, WE'LL CALL YOU RIGHT AWAY.

>> OH, BOY!

OH, BOY! OH, YEAH! WE'LL CALL! BYE-BYE!

THANK YOU FOR VISITING ME. COME AGAIN.

>> THANKS. BYE. >> BYE!

>> JACK, JACK WE MURDERED A HAMPSTER.

>> ITS OKAY.

GUYS, COME ON,

LIFE WORKS LIKE THIS SOMETIMES.

AW LUCIEN. NORMAN ITS ALL RIGHT.

LUCIEN, AW.

COME ON, HEY. THE THING IS YOU JUST GOTTA PICK UP AND CARRY ON.

RIGHT? IT'S OKAY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

HEY, WHAT DO WE GOTTA DO?

WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT DO WE GOTTA DO? COME ON TELL ME?

YOU GOTTA ROCK-N-ROLL.

ROCK-N-ROLL.

GOTTA BOGGIE.

GOTTA BOGGIE.

>> COME ON, THAT'S IT.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU GOT TO DO JACK?

>> WHAT, WHAT DO WE GOTTA DO?

>> TODAY IS THE DAY YOU GOT TO TIE MY TIE.

>> WELL ALL RIGHT THEN,

COME ON LETS GO.

ALL RIGHT GUYS, GO ON GET UP THOSE STAIRS.

GO ON! GET UP THOSE STAIRS.

>> LUCIEN, DID YOU TAKE A SHOWER?

>> I JUST WASHED MY HANDS AND MY KNEES AND MY FEET.

>> YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO YOUR WHOLE BODY, PAL,

NOT JUST SELECTED PARTS.

IT'S NOT LIKE A MOVIE PREVIEW.

>> IT'S AWFULLY WET IN THERE, JACK.

>> I SCREWED THIS UP. I GOT TO DO IT AGAIN.

>> WHAT A RETARD.

YOU KNOW I DON'T THINK BARRY HAS EVER BEEN ASKED

TO TESTIFY BEFORE THE STATE SENATE.

I DON'T THINK ARNOLD EVER HAS EITHER.

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT NORMAN NEVER HAS.

THEY PICKED YOU LUCIEN.

>> WHAT'S THE BECAUSE JACK?

>> THEY WANTED SOMEONE GOOD.

AND THAT'S YOU.

I GOT A LIBRARY CARD.

AH HUH. AND FRIENDS. YOU GOT FRIENDS.

YOU GOT BARRY, AND ARNOLD, AND NORMAN.

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE HELPING ALL OF THEM BY TALKING

TO THESE PEOPLE TODAY.

I GOT TO BE A HELPER.

BIG TIME.

>> HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES SUB-COMMITTEE.

SENATOR WARREN CLARKE PRESIDING.

ORDER, PLEASE. WE ARE IN SESSION.

>> GOOD MORNING, MR. SINGER.

WE'RE VERY HAPPY YOU WERE ABLE TO JOIN US HERE THIS MORNING.

AS OUR STAFF INFORMED YOU,

THIS SUB-COMMITTEE IS ONLY INTERESTED IN THE TRUTH,

SO THERE ARE NO RIGHT OR WRONG ANSWERS.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, MR. SINGER?

>> SPIDER-MAN TIE.

>> I'M AFRAID WE WEREN'T ABLE TO HEAR THAT, MR. SINGER.

YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP A LITTLE.

>> MY NAME IS LUCIEN P. SINGER, AND I MEAN BUSINESS.

I GOT A SPIDER-MAN TIE.

THEY KNOW. TAKE YOUR SEAT.

SIT DOWN. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> MR. SINGER, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHERE YOU LIVE, YOUR HOME.

COULD YOU DO THAT FOR US, MR. SINGER?

>> IT...HARD.

YOU KNOW, IT...HARD.

>> ALL RIGHT, MR. SINGER.

THEN WHY DON'T YOU TELL US ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS?

>> OK, JACK. WE DONE NOW?

>> NO. JUST TELL 'EM ABOUT THE HOUSE,

ABOUT NORMAN AND BARRY.

YOU MEAN BUSINESS.

>> NORMAN, HE BE THE DOUGHNUT MAN.

>> THE DOUGHNUT MAN?

UH-HUH.

>> WHY DO YOU CALL HIM THAT?

>> HE BE FAT... WITH DOUGHNUTS.

ARNOLD, HE GOT THE RUGS.

IF HE DON'T GO TO RUSSIA, HE, LIKE, NUTS OR SOMETHING.

HE MY FRIEND. SO'S BARRY.

HE CALLS. HIS DADDY COME AND SEE HIM,

AND THAT'S SCARY.

NORMAN WANTS SHEILA TO SEE HIS PAD.

>> I STAND BEFORE YOU A GROWN MAN

IN UNCOMFORTABLE CLOTHES.

A MAN WHOSE CAPACITY FOR RATIONAL THOUGHT

IS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THAT OF A 5-YEAR-OLD

AND AN OYSTER.

I'M RETARDED.

I'M DAMAGED.

I'M SICK INSIDE FROM SO MANY YEARS OF CONFUSION,

UTTER AND PROFOUND CONFUSION.

I'M MYSTIFIED BY FAUCETS AND RADIOS,

ELEVATORS AND NEWSPAPERS AND POPULAR SONGS.

I CANNOT ALWAYS REMEMBER THE NAMES OF MY PARENTS.

BUT I WILL NOT GO AWAY,

AND DAMAGED THOUGH I MAY BE, I SHALL NOT WITHER

BECAUSE I AM UNIQUE AND IRREPLACEABLE

AND A PART OF YOU ALL.

CIVILIZATIONS ARE JUDGED

BY THE WAY THEY TREAT THEIR MOST HELPLESS OF CITIZENS.

I AM THAT CITIZEN.

AND IF YOU TURN AWAY FROM ME,

YOU EXTINGUISH YOUR OWN LIGHT,

DENY YOUR OWN WARMTH.

I AM JUST...

A SIMPLE MAN.

BUT I SIMPLY AM...

A MAN.

Senator JUST ONE OTHER QUESTION, MR. SINGER.

DO YOU FEEL YOU COULD WORK OUTSIDE OF THE SHELTERED SORT OF ATMOSPHERE

AT THE HANDICAPPED CENTER?

>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, LUCIEN?

YOU THINK YOU COULD WORK OUTSIDE THE TRAINING CENTER?

>> LUCIEN P. SINGER SAY...

IT BE HARD.

>> HOW DID MRS. TRACY TAKE IT?

>> SHE WASN'T THRILLED.

SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT THE CAR LEASING JOB IS A GOOD ONE,

BUT...NOT THRILLED.

>> YOU'RE GOING TO TELL THE BOYS TODAY, RIGHT?

>> NO.

IT'S A BAD DAY. THERE'S TOO MUCH GOING ON.

>> JACK.

>> NORMAN'S GOT SHEILA COMING OVER,

BARRY'S DAD PULLS IN TONIGHT.

>> YOUR JOB IS TO HELP THESE GUYS FUNCTION IN THE REAL WORLD.

>> YOU DON'T NEED TO TELL ME MY JOB, RENA.

>> IF I TOLD EVERY KID I PLACED IN A FOSTER HOME

THEY COULD STAY THERE AS LONG AS THEY WANTED,

I WOULDN'T BE DOING THEM A FAVOR.

IT'S NOT REAL.

IN THE REAL WORLD, PEOPLE GET HURT.

PEOPLE GET DISAPPOINTED.

>> THESE GUYS SPEND 24 HOURS A DAY IN A WORLD OF HURT.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE IT WORSE.

>> I KNOW HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU.

BUT TELL THEM. IT'S TIME.

>> I KNOW.

I HATE IT, BUT I KNOW.

>> HI, SHEILA!

>> HI, NORMAN.

>> HI, SHEILA!

>> HI, NORMAN.

>> HI, SHEILA.

HELLO. MY NAME IS NORMAN BULANSKY.

WELCOME TO MY HOME. WON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT?

>> MORNING BARRY, WHERE'S YOUR STUDENT?

>> UH, STUCK IN TRAFFIC, PROBABLY.

SHE'LL BE ALONG, YA.

YOU SUGGEST I SHOULD FEEL SOMETHING FOR YOU?

YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW I DO FEEL SOMETHING FOR YOU.

>> THERE'S SOMETHING I FORGOT TO TELL YOU YESTERDAY.

STEPHANIE DOESN'T KNOW THAT KIRK IS HER FATHER.

BUT IF KIRK REVEALS THAT HE'S STEPHANIE'S FATHER,

MORE THAN LIKELY THAT WOULD CAUSE ANDREA TO KILL HERSELF.

>> WOW.

TALK ABOUT YOUR BEHAVIOR PATTERNS.

>> THIS IS NICE.

>> YEAH. IT USED TO BE BETTER

WHEN WE HAD THOSE LITTLE RUGS,

BUT ARNOLD'S GOT THEM HID.

>> ARNOLD? YECCH!

HE'S NOT HERE, IS HE?

>> OH, BOY, THAT'S ALL WE NEED.

CAN I MANAGE YOUR COAT?

>> I DON'T HAVE ONE.

>> OH, BOY.

>> I GOT THESE FOR YOU.

>> FLOWERS?

OH.

>> I PICKED THEM AT THAT LOT NEAR THE SWANCO GAS STATION.

YOU KNOW THAT LOT?

>> SWANCO GAS, THAT'S GOOD GAS.

WOULD YOU PLEASE LIKE A DOUGHNUT?

>>00.

THE BUS COMES THEN.

>> OH, BOY.

ALL RIGHT. I KNOW WHAT TO DO.

>> A PAD.

>> THIS--THIS IS THE CLOCK THAT BARRY USES

WHEN--WHEN HE MAKES EGGS.

AND I DON'T LIKE EGGS.

THEY MAKE STICKY PLATES.

DON'T GET ME STARTED ON LEMONADE.

BUT WE'LL JUST SET THIS AT 4...

AND THE BELL WILL TELL US WHEN IT'S TIME.

IT--IT WORKS LIKE A BUTLER OR SOMEBODY.

>> IT'S VERY GOOD, NORMAN.

>> OOH! WE GOT A SHOWER CURTAIN WITH SAILBOATS.

YOU WANT TO SEE?

>> I WENT BEFORE I CAME.

I COULD SEE THE SAILBOATS ANYWAY.

>> WHY NOT? YOU'RE HERE.

OH. OH, BOY.

I'M VERY SORRY, BUT I--I THINK

I BROKE YOUR FLOWERS.

>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT, NORMAN.

>> I'M VERY SORRY.

>> THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> NO, YOU MUSTN'T THINK OF STEPHANIE AS A BAD PERSON.

SHE'S NOT, NOT DOWN DEEP.

BUT I THINK WHEN PENNINGTON STOLE HER BABY,

SHE LOST HER SENSE OF PROPRIETY.

>> THERE'S SO MANY NAMES.

HOW DO YOU KEEP THEM ALL STRAIGHT?

>> HA HA. IT'S IN MY JOURNAL.

DAYTIME DRAMA JOURNAL.

COMES OUT ONCE A WEEK.

$30 A YEAR.

IF I MISS AN EPISODE, I CAN LOOK IT UP.

IT'S LIKE KEEPING UP WITH FAMILY WHEN YOU'RE OUT OF TOWN.

>> KEEPING UP WITH FAMILY SOUNDS NICE.

COULD I GET THE JOURNAL TOO?

>> HA HA HA. HAVE YOU GOT $30?

>> 30?

>> MM-HMM.

>> 20, 25, 30...

I GOT 33.70.

>> IF WE BOTH SUBSCRIBE TO THE DAYTIME DRAMA JOURNAL,

IT'LL BE AS IF WE'RE IN THE SAME CLUB.

AND I WILL JOIN IN THE SAME CLUB WITH YOU

ON ONE CONDITION.

MR. WIGGINS, I ASSUME YOU'RE ABOUT TO RETURN

THAT CONVEYANCE TO ITS RIGHTFUL OWNER.

MMM HMM HMM HMM.

>> WE USUALLY DON'T HAVE A SIGN UP LIKE THIS.

IT'S JUST FOR SPECIAL TIMES.

>> IT'S A COZY PAD, NORMAN.

>> YEAH. WE LIKE IT.

WOULD YOU PLEASE HAVE ANOTHER DOUGHNUT?

>> I HAD SPAGHETTI-Os FOR LUNCH.

>> THEN IT'S TIME.

GO HAVE A DOUGHNUT ON THE COUCH.

I HAVE A SURPRISE TO SURPRISE YOU WITH. OH!

>> LET ME GUESS.

IS IT A FROG?

>> OH, BOY. A FROG WOULD BE HARD TO GRAB.

>> YOU KNOW, YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

>> I SURE AM FUNNY. OH, BOY.

YOU AIN'T KIDDIN'.

SHEILA, I GOT YOU THIS. IT'S A PRESENT.

>> OH, NORMAN.

I FEEL ALL JUMPY.

>> ME, TOO. CAN I HAVE THE BOWS?

>> NO.

>> OH, NORMAN...KEYS.

YOU GOT ME KEYS.

>> THEY'RE NICE, HUH? TRY THEM ON.

OH, BOY, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THEM ON.

>> OH. WHAT SIDE?

>> WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL MORE BALANCED.

ARNOLD GOT ME ALL THE KEYS.

THEY'RE MOVIE THEATER KEYS.

>> MOVIE KEYS?

>> OH, BOY, DID THAT GO FAST.

>> I GOT TO GO.

00, NORMAN.

>>- - 00 ARE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.

>> I GOT TO GO. THE BUS LEAVES, NORMAN, 00. IT DON'T WAIT.

>> THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR VISITING WITH MY HOME.

WON'T YOU TAKE A DOUGHNUT FOR THE ROAD?

>> I GOT TO GO.

>> UH...

>> NORMAN.

THIS IS THE MOST, BEST, BEAUTIFUL PRESENT

I EVER GOT.

>> ME, TOO.

>> WELL, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MINUTE, SIR.

HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?

PRETTY NICE OUT THERE, ISN'T IT?

>> YEAH, BUT I, UH...

WAIT!

WAIT!

I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!

I GAVE ALL MY MONEY TO MRS. FREMUS!

>> DO YOU HAVE A CREDIT CARD?

WE DO ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS.

>> NO.

>> SIR, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY

OR CREDIT CARDS, I'M AFRAID ALL OF THESE ITEMS

ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GO BACK ON THE SHELF.

>> HA HA HA!

YES!

ARNOLD WIGGINS, ONE, THE SYSTEM, ZERO!

HA HA HA!

HA HA HA!

BARRY, IT BE LUCIEN HERE.

>> IS HE HERE?

>> NOT YOUR DAD, BUT JACK'S HERE.

SAYS HE NEEDS TO TALK TO US.

SAID HE'S GOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

>> THAT'S NOT GOOD.

>> HOW COME?

>> YOU TELL GOOD NEWS, YOU ANNOUNCE THE BAD STUFF.

>> OH.

OH.

>> AND TIME JUST WENT BY QUICK AS SPIT, JACK.

I--I THINK THAT MUST BE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN...

>> WHEN WHAT?

>> WHEN PEOPLE HAVE ENOUGH KEYS AND DOUGHNUTS.

>> WHAT'S THE ANNOUNCEMENT, JACK?

ARNOLD, HERE COME THE ANNOUNCEMENT!

LISTEN, MY WATER'S GONNA GET COLD

IF THIS TAKES A LONG TIME.

IT'S OK, ARNOLD.

I'M GONNA KEEP THIS REAL SHORT.

OK, WHAT IS IT?

>> UNH.

>> WOW.

>> YOU DONE, JACK?

>> NO. NO, I'M NOT.

I HAVE THIS FRIEND WHO HAS THIS BUSINESS LEASING CARS

AND, UM...

HE'S OFFERED ME A POSITION, A JOB.

AND THERE'S A PRETTY GOOD PIECE OF CHANGE INVOLVED.

>> CAN YOU GET US A CAR, JACK?

>> HEY, JACK, A RED CAPRI WOULD BE NICE.

VROOM-VROOM.

>> IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE RED, BUT RED WOULD--

I REPEAT, WOULD BE NICE.

>> I MEAN, I'LL STILL BE AROUND.

IT'S NOT FAR. IT'S IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

>> HE'S HERE!

NOW REMEMBER THE DEAL.

>> DADS CAN BE SCARY SOMETIMES.

WE GOT NO TREES!

>> BARRY! BARRY!

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES LET YOUR DAD IN THE KITCHEN

TO SEE THAT I HAVEN'T DONE THE DISHES,

OR HE'LL THINK I WAS BORN IN A BARN OR SOMETHING.

SO NYET ON SEEING THE DISHES, OK?

PLEASE, GO UPSTAIRS!

OK. BARRY, LISTEN, IF I CAN RETURN GROCERIES,

YOU CAN DO THIS.

>> BARRY, DO YOU WANT ME HERE, OR--

>> UM...

WELL, MAYBE NOT IN HERE, MAYBE.

JUST AROUND.

>> I'LL JUST BE IN THE KITCHEN.

>> OK.

HEY.

>> IT'S GETTING COLD OUT.

OH, IT'S PRETTY JAZZY, HUH?

>> HI.

>> OH, HI. BOB KLEMPER. DON'T BELIEVE I'VE HAD THE PLEASURE.

>> JACK PALMER. I WORK WITH THE SOCIAL SERVICES DEPARTMENT.

>> OH, YOU'RE LIKE A KEEPER.

>> I'M LIKE A FRIEND.

>> OH.

>> BARRY, I'M JUST GONNA GET SOME AIR.

I'M GONNA GO SIT ON THE PORCH FOR A MINUTE.

IS THAT OK WITH YOU?

>> OK. OK.

>> I'LL BE RIGHT OUT HERE IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.

>> OK >> NICE MEETING YOU.

>> YEAH, HAVE A GOOD ONE.

>> WELL, HERE WE ARE.

>> UM, YOU WANT A COLA? WE GOT SOME--

>> NOTHING HARD, OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, I DON'T SUPPOSE?

>> NO, WE DON'T.

>> COLA'S FINE.

>> OH, THERE'S A SIGN.

>> THERE'S A WHAT?

>> UH, IT'S OVER THE BATHROOM DOOR.

>> DID YOU DO THAT?

>> UH...

>> IT'S A LITTLE INCONVENIENT, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA DUCK DOWN JUST TO GET IN THE CAN.

IT'S A NICE, SIGN, BARRY. I APPRECIATE IT.

>> WHAT?

>> DID SHEILA LIKE THE KEYS?

>> OH, SHE LOVED 'EM LIKE FRENCH FRIES.

>> GREAT.

WHEN DO I GET 'EM BACK?

>> GET 'EM BACK?

OH, BOY. OH, BOY. OH, BOY.

>> SHH! BE QUIET.

HA HA HA!

>> WHAT WAS FUNNY?

>> WELL...TALK ABOUT A SIGN,

I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT A SIGN.

DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT THE FIRST WORD THAT YOU EVER SAID?

>> YEAH.

>> FORTITUDE.

YOU WERE 3 YEARS OLD, AND YOU HADN'T SAID A WORD,

AND YOUR MOTHER AND I WERE JUST WORRIED SICK

YOU WERE NEVER GONNA TALK,

AND THEN RIGHT OUT OF THE BLUE,

FORTITUDE!

LORD KNOWS WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

>> SO, TELL ME, WHAT DO YOU DO?

>> WHAT DO--

>> WHAT DO YOU DO, BARRY? PEOPLE DO THINGS.

>> I MEAN, YOU'RE NOT JUST SITTING AROUND HERE

WATCHING GAME SHOWS AND SOAP OPERAS ALL DAY LONG, ARE YOU?

'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, IF YOU ARE, PAL,

THAT MAY BE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

>> YOU GOTTA GET OUT.

>> YOU GOTTA GET OUT AND MEET PEOPLE.

>> I GIVE GOLF LESSONS.

>> YOU GIVE WHAT?

>> UH, I TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO PLAY GOLF.

>> MINIATURE GOLF?

>> NO, AT THE PRO SHOP GOLF RANGE.

>> YOU GIVE GOLF LESSONS?

DO YOU HAVE STUDENTS?

>> UH, I ACTUALLY LOST ONE TODAY.

UM, I--BUT, UH,

WELL, IT'S WHAT I DO, REALLY.

>> WELL, HEY, THAT HAPPENS.

BUT THIS IS A JOB, RIGHT?

I MEAN, THIS IS A "JOB" JOB.

THIS IS NOT A HOBBY OR SOME PENCIL-NECKED THING LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.

>> RIGHT.

>> SO...

WELL, YOU KNOW--

KEEPER!

KEEPER, YOU GOT A CAR? HUH?

OK, PAL.

OH, NICE SWING.

LET'S GET A GOOD ONE, NOW. LET'S GET A GOOD ONE.

OK? OK, PAL?

ALL RIGHT, I'M OUT OF YOUR WAY.

OK.

OK.

BASEBALL GRIP?

I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYBODY USE A BASEBALL GRIP

IN I DON'T KNOW HOW LONG.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,

YOU KNOW, I'M JUST MAKING A NOTE OF IT.

OK.

SHOW THE OLD MAN A LITTLE ACTION.

JUST NICE AND RELAXED.

EASY DOES IT.

NICE AND LOOSE.

THAT'S OK. THAT'S OK.

NICE AND EASY. COME ON, BARRY.

JUST HIT IT.

OK, HIT IT.

>> JUST HIT IT. HIT IT.

>> COME ON, BARRY.

YOU'RE GONNA TEACH PEOPLE TO PLAY GOLF,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LEARN ABOUT SLOW PLAYING.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A 2-STROKE PENALTY FOR SLOW PLAY, YOU KNOW.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE A TEACHER, YOU'RE A ROLE MODEL.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING A PARENT.

IT'S NOT AN EASY JOB.

IT'S NOT EASY AT ALL.

TRY TO TAKE A KID AND TEACH 'EM THINGS

SO HE CAN KNOW IT AND LEARN EVERYTHING.

BARRY...

AM I GONNA HAVE TO BE ASHAMED OF YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

AM I? AM I?!

THEN HIT IT. JUST, PLEASE, HIT IT.

GIVE ME THOSE.

YOU'RE AT LEAST GONNA GIVE ME

THIS MUCH TO REMEMBER.

YOU SEE? YOU CAN HIT IT.

YOU CAN HIT IT.

WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT? WHAT'RE YOU LOOKING AT?!

THAT'S MY SON.

I'LL BE IN THE VAN.

>> YOU'LL TAKE A CAB STRAIGHT TO--

>> SHH.

>> THEY WERE GREAT.

IF HADN'T BEEN FOR BARRY'S FATHER SCREWING THINGS UP,

IT WOULD'VE BEEN A PIECE OF CAKE.

>> THEY WERE GREAT?

>> YEAH.

>> THEN THEY DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE, JACK?

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU'RE LEAVING.

>> THEY DO UNDERSTAND I'M LEAVING.

I TOLD THEM I HAVE ANOTHER JOB.

THEY'RE GIVING ME A PARTY TONIGHT.

>> THEY DON'T THINK OF THEMSELVES AS YOUR JOB.

YOU'RE THEIR PROTECTOR, THEIR ANGEL, THEIR FRIEND.

YOU'RE NOT THERE BECAUSE OF ANY JOB.

THEY DIDN'T GET THE MESSAGE THAT YOU'RE LEAVING,

AND YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.

>> AND I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

THEY NEVER CHANGE. I CHANGE.

MY LIFE CHANGES, MY CRISES CHANGES,

BUT THEY STAY EVER THE SAME.

BARRY IS BARRY. ARNOLD IS ARNOLD.

LUCIEN IS LUCIEN. NORMAN IS NORMAN.

KEYS ARE KEYS,

AND DOUGHNUTS ARE DOUGHNUTS.

HI, BARRY.

HOW'RE YOU FEELING?

I GOT YOU A BOOK.

SOME GOLF TIPS FROM JACK NICKLAUS.

IT'S GOOD. A LOT OF DIAGRAMS AND STUFF.

HERE, YOU CAN LOOK IT OVER LATER.

NORMAN SAID TO SAY HI.

HE SENT ME OVER WITH A BOX OF DOUGHNUTS,

BUT THE DOCTOR SAID THEY HAD TOO MUCH SUGAR.

ARNOLD FINALLY PUT THE RUG BACK.

HE SCREAMED AT ALL OF US THAT HE WASN'T A CAMEL,

AND THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH THE END OF IT.

OH, LUCIEN WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU THIS.

IT'S A QUARTER.

HE SAID THAT WHEN YOU GET OUT,

HE WANTS YOU TO GIVE HIM A GOLF LESSON.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE ALL HAVING A PARTY FOR ME TONIGHT.

AND, UM, WELL, I WAS THINKING

IT WOULDN'T BE MUCH OF A PARTY WITHOUT YOU THERE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SO I CALLED THE LADY HERE.

SHE OK'd A PASS FOR YOU.

FROM, LIKE,- - 00,

SO I CAN GET YOU BACK WITH PLENTY OF TIME.

BARRY?

HEY.

WHY'D YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES?

>> BECAUSE I CAN SEE WHAT'S COMING.

>> LUCIEN, YOU GOT IT RIGHT IN MY EAR!

IF YOU DON'T STOP SPRAYING THAT STUFF,

WE'RE ALL GONNA CATCH ASTHMA AND DIE.

>> I BE MAKING IT SMELL CLEAN, ARNOLD.

>> LUCIEN, THAT IS FURNITURE POLISH.

>> WE BE HAVIN' FURNITURE, ARNOLD.

>> I HEAR SOMEBODY! I HEAR THEM!

>> WHAT? >> I HEAR SOMEBODY!

>> NO. NO. NO! NO!

DON'T GO NEAR THE WINDOW, HE'LL SEE YOUR SHADOW.

YOU'LL RUIN THE SURPRISE. REMEMBER THE PLAN?

GET IN THE CLOSET AND--

>> AHH! NO CHANCE!

>> YOU GOT HIM IN THE EYES!

>> I'M SORRY!

>> LUCIEN, NO, YOU HIDE OVER HERE, BEHIND THE THING.

ARNIE, YOU STILL IN THE CLOSET?

>> SURPRISE!

>> NO! STAY IN THE CLOSET, OK?

YOU HAVE TO GET LOWER, OK?

>> I'M TRYING.

>> OK. JUST STAY RIGHT THERE, OK?

DON'T MAKE ANY NOISE. BE REAL QUIET.

SORRY!

>> COME IN! IT'S OPEN!

>> TA-DA!

>> SURPRISE!

>> SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

>> YOU MAKE A PLAN, YOU HIDE IN THE CLOSET,

YOU WORK IT ALL OUT-- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

>> LUCIEN.

>> HI SHEILA.

>> HI NORMAN.

>> HI SHEILA.

OH BOY, FLOWERS. THEY'RE PRETTY.

YOU'RE WELCOME VERY MUCH.

>> WHEN I GOT THIS STUFF,

I DIDN'T TELL THE LADY IT WAS FOR A PARTY OF GROWN-UP ADULTS

WITH THEIR OWN HOME.

I WAS AFRAID IF I SAID THAT,

IT WOULD SOUND TOO MUCH LIKE I WAS A BRAGGER.

>> WHAT'S IN THE BOX, ARNOLD?

>> CAN I GUESS?

A FROG.

>> I'LL BET DOUGHNUTS.

>> THEY'RE BOTH GOOD GUESSES,

BUT THEY ARE BOTH, I REPEAT,

BOTH WRONG!

ANIMAL PUPPETS!

>> WOW! OH, BOY! ANIMAL PUPPETS!

HOW COME THE PUPPETS, ARNOLD? HOW COME?

>> HOW COME? BECAUSE WITH ANIMAL PUPPETS,

YOU ARE NOW 3 GUESTS AT A PARTY INSTEAD OF JUST ONE.

YOU SEE, PUT ONE ON ONE HAND, ONE ON THIS HAND,

>> HI, SHEILA. HI, SHEILA.

>> JACK'S HERE.

I SEE HIM! AND HE'S GOT BARRY!

>> OK, LET'S GO, EVERYBODY!

FAMILIARIZE YOURSELF WITH YOUR PUPPETS,

AND BE READY TO SING THE SONG

WHEN WE SERVE THE DOUGHNUTS, OK?!

DON'T FORGET THE WORDS OF THE SONG!

AND REMEMBER, BE REALLY QUIET!

>> HELLO, MY NAME IS NORMAN BULANSKY!

>> NO, NOT YET!

HE HASN'T COME IN YET.

>> COME IN! IT'S OPEN!

>> HELLO?

IS ANYBODY HOME?

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

>> SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

COME ON! HE'S HERE!

>> OH! SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

>>

>> SURPRISE!

OH, BOY, JACK, WE GOT DOUGHNUTS ON THE TABLE

AND EVERYTHING.

>> AND ANIMAL PUPPETS.

>> MY PUPPETS BE FIGHTING.

POWEE, BIPEE...

>> MY PUPPETS ARE QUIET.

>> GIRL PUPPETS ARE POLITER PUPPETS.

>> YEAH, WELL, ALL I KNOW IS--

>> ALL YOU KNOW IS YOU'RE THROWING ME A PARTY.

>> YEAH.

>> THAT'S GREAT.

BUT THE NEXT QUESTION IS...

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHY YOU'RE THROWING ME THIS PARTY?

>> BECAUSE OF YOUR NEW CAR JOB.

>> OK.

BUT DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS CAR JOB OF MINE MEANS

AS FAR AS WE'RE ALL CONCERNED?

>> WE'RE GONNA GET TO RIDE IN A NEW CAR.

>> I HOPE IT'S A RED CAR.

>> 'CAUSE THIS IS GONNA INVOLVE A...

PRETTY BIG TRANSITION FOR US.

>> WHAT'S TRANSITION?

>> I THINK IT'S THE GEARS.

>> NO...

IT'S MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

>> IT IS NOT COMPLICATED!

JACK IS LEAVING YOU.

JACK'S GOING SOMEWHERE ELSE FOREVER.

HE'S LEAVING YOU, HE'S LEAVING ME.

HE'S GOING TO ANOTHER WORLD.

>> JACK BE LEAVING US WHERE?

>> IT'S THIS JOB,

THIS OTHER JOB THAT I'M TELLING YOU ABOUT.

>> JACK, HOW--

HOW MANY JOBS YOU GOT NOW?

>> I'LL JUST HAVE THE ONE.

>> US, RIGHT?

>> NO.

LISTEN, BARRY'S RIGHT.

I AM LEAVING YOU GUYS...

BUT IT'S GONNA BE OK.

SOMEONE ELSE IS GONNA COME HERE AND TAKE MY PLACE.

THERE WILL ALWAYS BE SOMEBODY HERE FOR YOU GUYS.

>> BUT SOMEBODY DOESN'T KNOW US

LIKE YOU KNOW US, JACK.

>> THEY WILL KNOW YOU.

>> JACK BE LEAVING US WHERE?

>> IF YOU LEAVE, JACK, I'LL GO ON A HUNGER STRIKE!

>> NO, JUST LISTEN TO ME.

>> JACK BE LEAVING US.

>> LET ME EXPLAIN THIS.

THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND.

I JUST WILL NOT BE YOUR WORKER ANYMORE.

SOMEONE ELSE WILL DO THAT JOB.

>> I WON'T EAT NOTHING!

>> JACK--AND I MEAN THIS QUITE FRANKLY--

I WOULD NEVER QUIT YOU.

>> I AM NOT QUITTING YOU, ARNOLD.

I AM NOT QUITTING ANY OF YOU.

LUCIEN, COME BACK HERE!

LUCIEN, COME HERE!

LET'S STOP FOR A SECOND! JUST STOP AND LISTEN TO ME!

>> NO, JACK, YOU CAN'T GO!

>> BARRY? WHERE'S BARRY GOING?

WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS IN A MINUTE, OK?

JUST LET'S TALK ABOUT IT IN A MINUTE.

>> MAYBE WE'LL TALK IN RUSSIA, JACK!

THAT'S WHERE WE'LL TALK.

>> I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

>> IT'S TOO NOISY IN HERE FOR POLITE PUPPETS.

>> JACK, DON'T LEAVE!

LUCIEN, I WANT YOU TO GO BACK INSIDE, OK?

>> JACK, DON'T LEAVE!

>> I WANT YOU TO SETTLE DOWN AND GO BACK INSIDE.

>> NYET!

>> ARNOLD... >> NYET!

>> AGAINST RIGHT!

>> NORMAN, PUT THOSE BACK INSIDE!

>> FREE DOUGHNUTS HERE!

>> I'M ONLY GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS--

>> JACK, NO, PLEASE!

>> GET YOUR HUNK RIGHT!

FREE DOUGHNUTS!

GET FREE DOUGHNUTS!

>> JACK, NO, PLEASE!

>> I'LL BE BACK IN A MINUTE!

BARRY, STOP THAT!

STOP IT!

YOU WANT SOMEONE TO CALL THE POLICE?

>> WOULDN'T THAT BE BEST, JACK?

>> FREE DOUGHNUTS!

OK, BARRY,

LET'S JUST GET YOU BACK.

>> NOT YET, JACK.

WE'VE GOT ONE MORE STOP TO MAKE.

>> BARRY, WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THAT FOR YOUR DAD?

>> BECAUSE...

IT WOULD HAVE MATTERED TO HIM WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS A GOOD SHOT...

AND IT WOULDN'T HAVE MATTERED TO YOU WHAT KIND OF SHOT IT WAS.

>> YOU'RE RIGHT.

ALL I WANTED WAS TO SEE YOUR SHOT.

>> I THINK I'M ALL DONE NOW.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> GOOD NIGHT.

>> MR. PALMER?

>> YEAH?

>> FOR YOU.

>> OH, THANKS. HELLO?

>> GOOD, I CAUGHT YOU.

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH ARNOLD.

>> OH, MY GOSH.

>> HE SAID TO TELL YOU THAT HE'S TALKED WITH NORMAN

AND LUCIEN AND THEY'VE DECIDED TO THROW IN WITH HIM.

>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

>> HE SAID THEY'RE ALL GOING TO RUSSIA.

>> OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE.

>> JACK, HE SAID THEY'RE GOING BY TRAIN.

>> MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE,

TO ANNOUNCE THE IMMINENT DEPARTURE OF TRAIN 354,

THE QUIET LIFE LIMITED,

SERVICE TO BATTLE CREEK, TOLEDO, SERENA,

AND POINTS NORTH.

ALL ABOARD, PLEASE.

>> HEY! JACK'S HERE!

>> HEY, GUYS.

>> HEY, JACK.

GUESS WHAT I GOT.

>> UM, A BALLOON.

>> YOU BE SMART.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING ON A HUNGER STRIKE, NORMAN.

>> JACK, THIS IS NOT A DOUGHNUT.

>> YOU GOT ME THERE.

HI, ARNOLD.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, ARNOLD.

>> HI, JACK.

YOU TAKING A TRAIN SOMEWHERE?

>> NO.

>> NO, I JUST THOUGHT I'D COME DOWN AND SEE IF YOU GUYS WANTED ANY COMPANY.

>> WE'RE WAITING FOR THEM TO ANNOUNCE THE RUSSIA TRAIN.

>> RUSSIA TRAIN.

>> HOW'S BARRY?

>> HE'S AS WELL AS CAN BE EXPECTED

UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, I GUESS.

>> THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW.

IT'S A SHAME HE CAN'T GO WITH US.

THERE'S A LOT OF TCHAIKOVSKY IN BARRY.

>> I'LL TELL HIM YOU SAID THAT.

>> JACK?

YOU STILL BE QUITTIN' US?

>> YEAH, LUCIEN.

I HAVE TO.

I HAVE TO 'CAUSE I GOT RENA TO TAKE CARE OF.

>> RENA.

>> DON'T YOU LIKE US ANYMORE, JACK?

>> NORMAN...

IT'S NOT ABOUT LIKING.

I LOVE YOU GUYS.

BUT SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO LET GO OF SOMETHING YOU LOVE.

IT'S JUST LIKE A PARENT HAS TO LET GO OF A CHILD

EVEN THOUGH THEY LOVE THAT CHILD MORE THAN THEIR NEXT BREATH.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING JUST BECAUSE IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO,

EVEN THOUGH DOING IT HURTS.

WE LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD, GUYS,

AND THAT'S A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE GET HURT,

WHETHER THEY DESERVE THAT HURT OR NOT.

>> ALL RIGHT, THEN FINE, QUIT US!

BUT WE HATE YOU!

CURTAIN UP, END OF SUBJECT.

>> I'M--I'M NOT HATING JACK.

>> YEAH, WELL, YOU'VE EATEN.

I HAVEN'T EATEN.

IT TENDS TO MAKE PEOPLE TESTY.

>> JACK?

YOU WANT TO HOLD MY BALLOON?

>> GUYS?

>> HUH?

>> I'M GONNA SEE IF I CAN'T HURRY UP THAT TRAIN OF YOURS.

YOU'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH.

>> YEAH.

LIKE HE KNOWS MR. AMTRAK OR SOMETHING.

>> THAT'S A PERFECT TRAVELING OUTFIT.

>> "TRAVELING OUTFIT"?

WHEN DID THIS GET TO BE A TRAVELING OUTFIT?

>> THIS IS 20, 40, 60, 70, 81, 82, 83, 84.

I WANT 4 ROUND-TRIP TICKETS TO ANYWHERE BACK HERE.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE.

THERE'S A TRIP THAT NEEDS TO BE TAKEN.

>> THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD.

>> YEAH, WELL...

YOU LIVE LONG ENOUGH, YOU GET WEIRD.

IT'S PART OF THE DEAL.

>> GOING TO MILWAUKEE ON THE TRAIN!

>> GOING TO MILWAUKEE ON THE TRAIN!

>> GOING TO MILWAUKEE ON THE TRAIN!

>> YOU REMEMBER. YOU GOT TO BE GOOD NOW.

>> I DON'T THINK SO.

LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY ARE FROM MILWAUKEE.

>> WHO ARE LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY?

>> 2 GIRLS THAT ARE FROM MILWAUKEE.

BOY, YOU DON'T REMEMBER THINGS VERY WELL.

>> ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO FIND A CONDUCTOR

AND FIND OUT WHERE OUR SEATS ARE,

AND YOU MAKE SURE THOSE BAD BOYS GET ON AND FIND ME.

>> YES, MA'AM.

COME ON, GUYS.

>> GATE NUMBER 58, CITY OF NEW ORLEANS

IS NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK NUMBER 7.

CITY OF NEW ORLEANS, TRAIN NUMBER 58

NOW ARRIVING ON TRACK 7.

>> LUCIEN?

>> UH-HUH?

>> YOUR BALLOON.

>> THAT'S FOR YOU, JACK.

>> THANKS, PAL.

>> I HOPE YOU LEASE A LOT OF RED CARS, JACK.

>> I'LL DO MY BEST, NORMAN. I PROMISE.

>> ALL ABOARD!

>> OK, GUYS, TIME TO GO.

LUCIEN?

>> HUH?

>> YOU DO MEAN BUSINESS.

>> CAREFUL. BYE, NORMAN.

TELL ME ABOUT KEYS.

>> YEAH. AND DOUGHNUTS.

>> ARNOLD...

I'M REALLY SORRY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU DO.

>> YOU QUITTING? I'M HATING. PERIOD.

>> I HOPE NOT.

JACK!

JACK, I EMPHASIZE THIS!

YOU HAVE BETTER BEHAVIOR PATTERNS THAN A LOT OF--

I REPEAT--A LOT OF PEOPLE!

>> FREE DOUGHNUTS ANYTIME, JACK!

>> JACK, YOU LOOK GOOD WITH MY BALLOON. BYE!

>> NOW LEAVING ON TRACK NUMBER 9,

LOCAL SERVICE STOPPING AT MILWAUKEE, MONTREAL,

VANCOUVER, ANCHORAGE, VLADIVOSTOK,

PETROPOVLOSK,

KLIMOVICHI,

AND MOSCOW.

YEAH!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY HALLMARK CHANNEL AND FRIENDS OF NCI