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♫ I like it filthy and raw

♫ I like it filthy and raw

♫ I like it filthy and raw

♫ I like it filthy and raw

♫ It's sex but is it love

♫ I don't care what it is

♫ I just do what you want

♫ The way that you want it

♫ And when you turn around

♫ And you tell me to hit it

♫ You shakin' that ass

♫ You are mine to forbid it

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you want

♫ I will do it

♫ Tell me what you want, I will do it, yeah

♫ Tell me what you want, tell me what you want

♫ I will do it

♫ Tell me what you want, I will do it

♫ I like it filthy and raw

♫ Okay

♫ I like it filthy and raw

♫ Okay

♫ I like it filthy and raw

♫ All right

♫ I like it filthy and raw ♫

- [Voiceover] All over the world,

kids are getting down.

They're getting down at the club,

at work,

in the car,

at the party,

at the bar,

and at your front door.

- [Voiceover] This guide will help you

to get down too.

It will introduce you to some of the tools

you can use to help you get down,

like vodka and drugs.

- [Voiceover] It will show you how to avoid some

of the pitfalls associated with this lifestyle.

(girl vomits)

- Aw, my shoes!

- [Voiceover] Like getting sick and the police.

Guide scientists have spent years gathering empirical data

on all facets of night life.

This film is divided into chapters,

each offering insights into different aspects

of getting down.

- [Voiceover] And when better to get down

then after a stressful day?

(phone ringing)

- Hey, girl.

- Hey, what's up?

- Can you just come get me and let's go get drunk?

- [Girl] Okay.

- And take your shit with you, you bitch.

Fuck you!

- Are you okay?

- Douchebag!

- Okay, just, just walk down to the front,

and I'll be right there.

- Fuck.

You fucking cunt!

Fucking fuck!

Fuck!

- Oh, that's my other line.

Okay.

- What's up, Bernine?

- Hey girl, what're you doing?

- Nothing, just closing up.

- You want to hang out tonight?

- Ooh, girlfriend, I can't,

'cause I got a date tonight.

- With who?

- Remember the guy we met at Sunsway last week?

- [Girl] The drunk guy?

- Yeah, whatever.

He's taking me out to some new chichi bar in Hollywood.

- Okay.

- But you know, we can hook up later.

- [Girl] Yeah. I'll call you later.

- Okay.

(intense music)

- Yo. Yo, what's the deal, yo?

- What's going on, dog?

- Yo, man. You ready for the party tonight?

- Aw yeah, dog.

- The rain party. Yeah.

You remember, right? - Yeah.

- Yeah, man, that shit's gonna be dope.

- 'Sup with that phone, homie?

- Yeah, this one's fly, right?

Yeah, I got this shit at the pawn shop.

Yeah, they said Dion Ward used to own this shit.

She came in one day sweatin' and shit,

talking about "Let me trade this phone in."

The dude said she went and got some crack.

- Crack. Must be the shit.

- Everybody's gonna be on me,

because I got this phone.

When I gon' come in,

they gonna be laughing,

and they're gonna think it's funny.

They're gonna say, "Aw, look at this phone!

"Looks like a little lunchbox phone!

"You got a baloney sandwich in there?"

No, I got no fucking baloney sandwich here.

This is a phone!

Then at the end of the night,

they're gonna be all up on me.

They're gonna come up to me.

And you know what I'm gonna do?

Gonna put this shit on the wall, bam!

Wanna use the phone?

Yeah, come on.

One dollar, motherfucker!

Yeah, that's why it's not so funny no more, huh?

I don't care if you got a little two-tap phone.

Get out of here!

It costs one dollar to use my phone.

That's right.

I need some money.

I can't get no money with the way you look,

unless I'm pimpin'.

You wanna be a ho?

What, what?

"Oh, I wanna call my granny."

I don't give a damn you wanna call your granny!

Back then, you didn't want me.

Now I got a phone, y'all want me.

One dollar, motherfucker.

One dollar!

- One dollar, motherfucker.

We some old-school fools, yeah.

- That's what I'm talking about.

(rock music)

- Okay.

So, the best part is he couldn't

even pick up his fucking bike.

- No.

- No, I'm serious.

- What a fucking loser.

- God, a total pussy.

- What do you want to do tonight?

- I don't know, I mean fucking Kawang

is gonna be a madhouse.

- Let's go to JJ's party.

- JJ. JJ as in daterape JJ?

- Dude, that chick is a slut.

Don't listen to her.

- Okay.

Whatever you say, let's just do it.

- [Voiceover] Getting down seems so random,

but as you will see, there is a definite science to it.

Formulas and paradigms that can be followed

to achieve the maximum fun with the least stress.

This guide is for boys and girls,

but boys and girls are different.

We often hear boys being referred to as slamhounds

or horndogs, but this isn't entirely fair.

- [Voiceover] Ever since Charles Darwin came up

with his theories on natural selection,

we have known that the propagation of a species

is dependent on genetic mutation.

And that occurs only through fertilization

of multiple partners.

In other words, both boys and girls

are hard-wired to get down.

That's why sex is fun.

But there are physiological differences

in that a man is fertile 24-7,

but a woman can only be pollinated for a few days a month.

- [Voiceover] About a week before the end

of their menstrual cycle,

most girls experience a period of a few days

technically known as their horny week,

when they are good to go and

feel particularly ready to get down.

- [Voiceover] Now imagine, girls,

if you were cursed to feel like that all the time.

That's what it's like to be a boy,

every day of your life.

- Dude, it's a party for a modeling agency.

There's going to be mad pussy there.

- We're gonna get some, for sure!

- Game on.

- Game on, bro.

- [Man] One for you, you might need that.

Hey, what is that?

- What?

- Looks like you've got cum on your face.

- What, bro?

It's fucking moisturizer, what the fuck?

- Shaka.

- [Voiceover] Boys and girls both love to get down,

but there are certain differences

in the way they go about it.

Poking out by the end of the night

is often the ultimate goal for boys and girls.

The difference here is that usually boys

will acknowledge this as their sole purpose,

whereas girls are a little more reluctant.

- Does this jersey look okay?

- Fuck yeah, dude. That shit's the bomb.

- You look good in that green, I like that.

Hook me up. Green?

See the eyes, I'm working that shit.

Have some motherfucking pain, yo. Whee!

- [Voiceover] While the boys are quite

clear on their purpose,

the girls tend to be a little cloudy

on their goals.

- Ow, it stings.

- It's supposed to.

- Is it really? Ow.

Bitch.

We're gonna have so much fun tonight.

- I don't even know, like, I mean,

is this skirt too much?

- Are you kidding?

It's freaking awesome.

The boys are going to die when they see you in that.

- I know.

- Turn around. Pull it down a little, there.

Just don't bend over.

- [Girl] It is hot. Hello.

- Anyways, I had such a horrible day today.

I just want to dance.

- [Voiceover] Dancing is girlese for

"Get hammered and talked into bed."

Common in girls is the lack of a cognisant need

or a simple refusal to acknowledge

desire for sex.

- Dancing. All dancing.

- We are having girl's night out tonight.

And I'm really happy about it.

- Are you excited?

- [Voiceover] The boys and the girls

are looking forward to going out,

but what's going out all about?

Before you go out,

you have to get in.

There are three basic types of events

that require some thought or an invitation.

The club, the chichi bar, and the private party.

It could be a CD or a film release,

a new hair salon,

or an after fashion show event.

The bouncers for each event

can be distinguished by the folds of flesh

known as "hot dogs" on the back of their neck.

The private party bouncer,

a one-hotdog doorman.

A chichi bar bouncer,

notice the two hotdogs folding up on each other.

And finally, the club bouncer,

a mature bouncer in his prime,

can maintain up to as many as eight hotdogs.

It's a sign of status amongst fully-grown bouncers,

and it takes years of high caloric eating

to achieve this majesty.

- [Voiceover] Contrary to popular belief,

bouncers are highly-trained professionals

who study their vocation for years

at specialized training facilities,

like this one in Long Beach.

- So, you show me how you would greet a patron.

- Uh, sorry, not tonight.

No, we got a private party.

- That's it?

- Yes, she wanted to come in.

So I...

- What the shit was that, man?

This is not customer service!

This is bouncer school, okay?

You gotta look like it.

You gotta act like it.

You gotta feel it.

- [Voiceover] Bouncing is a business

fraught with contradictions:

The velvet rope, once the epitome of glamour,

is now found at the bank and the post office.

- Folding the arms are good, right?

Some posture.

Get some bass in your voice.

- Hmm.

- Look the person right in the eye

and you squeeze those eyebrows together, okay?

Like that.

Let them know you mean business.

Right?

- [Voiceover] Here, they try to make sense of it all.

- Maximum capacity.

Louder, I can't hear you.

- [Voiceover] At bouncer school, the principles are complex.

- So if there's nobody in there,

why do we make them wait outside?

- Because we need to make the club look busy.

- So we're just saying it's a private party.

- [Voiceover] The lessons are difficult.

- Get one patron in, one click.

Two patrons, double click.

Three? One, two, three.

- [Voiceover] Studies vary,

ranging from bracelet application to handstamping.

- One stamp on the top, real simple.

Right in the center of the fist, stamp.

- Okay. So, what if I do them up here,

just like that?

- Wrong. There, there, there, it's all wrong.

Mm-mm-mm.

This is all wrong, see?

Don't make no sense.

Now we don't want to allow suits,

so I want him all marked up.

So let's walk him out.

- We're walking him out.

You show him a little bit of love.

Ooh, like that.

Make sure nobody saw it, okay?

Maybe a little slap in the face.

Nobody saw anything.

Maybe a headbutt. - All right.

- You got that? - I got it. Okay.

- You fellows following me there?

- [All] Yeah.

- [Voiceover] But for those who stay the course,

the rewards are certainly there.

(applause)

- Nice one, nice going.

Now, you guys see that?

That's the way it's supposed to be done.

- [Voiceover] Unless you are a regular,

the entry process at the club

is random and frustrating,

and unless you personally know the bouncer

then ignore him.

Don't try and be friends.

He doesn't want to talk to you.

The person you need to work on

is the guy or girl with the list.

- Let me do the talking.

Hi. Can we come in?

- Are you on the list?

- Um, maybe.

I don't know if they put me on.

Bryce. Bryce Vandermass?

- Yeah, I'm sorry. No Bryce.

- What about me? Andy Harper.

- Sorry, no.

- Come on. Please?

- Maybe later if you guys get in line.

- What the fuck?

There's not even anyone in there.

- There's no need to swear.

- Hey, sorry guys.

Not tonight.

- What... there's no one in there!

- Come on.

- It's not gonna happen.

It's a private party.

- Nice going.

- [Voiceover] They have painted themselves into a corner,

and now must endure the humiliation

of walking back through the people

they just pushed in front of.

- [Voiceover] Now, let's try it again.

But this time, Bryce will provide a distraction,

while his friend Andy scopes the list

as it is being checked.

- Hey, what's up?

I should be on the list.

Bryce Vandermass?

- [Voiceover] Note the confidence in his voice.

And see how Andy positions himself.

- [Voiceover] Andy studies the list

while the doorgirl checks it.

Note how he looks for a name

that has not been crossed off,

with a plus one.

- [Girl] Bryce, Bryce. No...

- Maybe it's under my name.

Oliver Quinn.

We're bookers at Sunset Tower.

- [Voiceover] Andy drops the name of an agency,

because this is a talent agency party.

But it could easily have been a magazine

or record release party.

The point is, it worked,

so savor the moment.

- Hey, can you get us in?

- Hi. What's your name?

- I'm Kylie.

- Hi, Kylie.

- Guys. Guys.

In or out.

- My friend's the promoter here.

I'll go find him, come back,

we'll get you guys in.

- I just told you, go inside.

- Dude, just chill.

She's my girlfriend.

- Dude, you just met her.

Go inside!

- Come on, let's go.

Don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back.

- [Voiceover] Just don't get too cocky.

- Hey, how's it going, Rick?

How you doing?

- It's going all right.

Hey, this is my boy Oliver and his girl.

- Oliver Quinn?

- That's right.

- Get those two.

- Tiny, two bozos inside.

- Easy!

Yeah, well, it sucked in there anyway.

- The place is beat. Fuck!

What are we gonna do now?

- Let's go back to mine,

and call Hector.

- Hector? Nice.

- [Voiceover] Finally, it's important to remember

that sometimes, things just aren't going to go your way.

- What's your name again?

- But we should be on the list.

- You guys, I already told you.

We're at capacity.

I can't let you in right now.

- You guys are at capacity?

- If we wait for a little bit?

- I'm not promising anything,

but we'll see what I can do.

- How are you?

- I'm good. Hi Bernine.

- What's up, hot stuff?

- Okay, you just let those two transvestites in.

- Come on, our friends are inside already.

- Guys, everybody's friends are inside.

Like I told you, it's a capacity issue.

There's nothing I can do.

Step out of the way for a second.

Just found you guys.

Come on in.

- Come on, dude.

Don't be a dick, all right?

There's two of us.

- I already told you guys three times, all right?

We're full right now.

We're at capacity.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Now, do me a favor.

Take a step back, get out of my face,

I'm going to ban you from here.

- Ban. - For life.

How's that sound?

- Come on.

- All right, you know what?

You're banned.

Have a nice evening.

Just... good night, guys.

- You know what?

We don't want to come to this shitty-ass club anyway, okay?

- Fuck you, all right?

- It's a gay bar anyway.

- Have a nice evening, guys.

Good night.

- Kevin, who are you calling?

- Hello, is this the fire department?

Me and my girlfriend were just at Internationale

on Wilcox in Hollywood, and there was this cabaret performer

blowing fire, and it got really smoky in there.

It was like, there was a lot of people,

and the fire door was blocked.

I dunno, it just seemed kind of unsafe.

Yeah, just thought you should know.

That's right, man, Wilcox.

No, thank you.

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Ha, you like that?

- Stupid.

- Fuck that club.

- [Voiceover] As you can see,

just getting in can be quite taxing.

- You're up early.

- Yeah, I needed my beauty sleep.

- Botox not working?

- Haha. What's going on for tonight?

- I don't know.

Daniel over here knows about something.

- Oh yeah. Some, uh, modeling agency thing.

- Should be some hot chicks there.

- Man, there's no models there.

They just say that to get dudes there.

Where's it at, anyway?

- Uh, System.

- System?

- 45.

- 45 what?

Aw man, fuck that.

- [Voiceover] It's important to find a place you like,

where you can become a regular.

- [Voiceover] Becoming a regular has certain advantages,

not the least of which is that you don't ever

have to worry about getting in.

This graph quantifies the main reasons

why a certain bar will be patronized.

But the best thing about being a regular

is the free drink.

- Who do we know that's working tonight?

- Brian's at beauty bar.

- Thad's at star shoes.

- Well, right on. Kawanga it is.

- Again.

- [Voiceover] The free drink is not a bottomless cup.

Your relationship with your bartender

needs to be nurtured.

If you are a girl,

the bartender may be flirting with you,

so the tipping formula is not so hard and fast.

But if you are a guy,

and the bartender is not gay,

you must tip.

- [Voiceover] There's a very specific rule

that governs tipping for free drinks,

known as the cahuenga principle,

and it states that the value of the tip given

should be no less than half

the combined value of the drinks.

- [Voiceover] But tipping in itself is an art form.

Watch what happens

when Peter wants to tip for a round of free drinks.

The bar-back cannot be faulted for picking up the bill,

since there is a real danger of it being picked up

by another customer.

But now, Peter's tip goes unnoticed,

and he won't get another free round.

- [Voiceover] What should Peter have done?

See how Peter is careful to avoid eye contact

with the bartender that won't give him free drinks.

Peter gets the drinks

and palms a ten into the bartender's hand.

In the hand, no confusion.

Tipping greases the wheels.

Free drinks are good for you,

because you save money

and you get to look cool.

It's good for the bartender,

because he makes better tips.

- Yeah, I love your bar, man.

Hot chicks, and the bartender always gives me free drinks.

- This guy?

- Yeah.

- I'll be right back.

- [Voiceover] But it's not so good for the bar owner.

- Knucklehead, what don't you understand?

- [Voiceover] So if you get free drinks,

keep it to yourself.

Daniel won't be getting any more free drinks

from Thad, ever.

- [Voiceover] Since the dawn of time,

man has been trying to perfect ways

to get his buzz on.

All cultures have certain methods

that are accepted,

and some that are not.

In the US and Europe,

alcohol is the drug of choice,

and make no mistake, it is a drug.

- [Voiceover] Alcohol's effects on full-grown humans

are many and varied, ranging from clumsiness,

to euphoria, to aggression,

to romance,

(moaning)

to just plain retarded.

- [Voiceover] One of the most profound effects of alcohol

is its ability to cloud judgement,

especially as it relates to human attraction.

- [Voiceover] Simply put, the more you drink,

the less you care.

Take a look at this acceptability graph.

- [Voiceover] Note the spike in the graph at last call.

We'll take a closer look at last call later.

- [Voiceover] But to make the inebriation process

work to our advantage,

first we have to understand it.

Scientists at the guide's lab in Nevada

have been running tests for quite some time,

with fascinating results.

In this experiment,

a group of mice are observed in a club environment.

The mice in the control group

are content and productive.

The mice in the club environment

begin to drink the vodka and beer.

- After one hour,

two of the mice have to be removed for fighting.

After two hours, many of the mice have coupled up

and have begun the mating rituals.

- Interesting.

- After three hours,

many of the mice exhibit signs of stress

and/or incapacitation.

- Most of them seems to be intoxicated.

- Exactly.

- [Voiceover] Oscar seems particularly wasted.

We'll come back to him.

But how does alcohol effect the human brain?

Here at the boy's and girl's guide,

we pride ourselves on being relevant

to both boys and girls.

But boys and girls are different.

And this is particularly evident

when it comes to drinking.

- Hey, Rebecca.

What are you doing tonight?

- I'm gonna stay home.

I've got that pet adoption in the morning.

- Me and April are going out tonight.

You should come.

- Maybe.

- Oh, come on.

- [Voiceover] A woman's brain,

one of the most complex

and mysterious things known to humanity.

It has the capability to hold huge amounts of information.

It is both caring and logical,

and it can multitask.

- [Voiceover] But add white wine,

or apple martinis to the equation,

and the synapses in the woman's brain

begin to misfire.

- Oh, what are you doing, mama?

- [Voiceover] Some girls will repeat this process

three or four times a week.

- [Voiceover] The male brain is slightly smaller

than the female's, with less emphasis on high functions.

With the addition of alcohol,

the male brain also changes.

My biceps, muscle cars, tv, hot chicks, and money

become hot chicks, ass, bacon, titties, and pussy.

But curiously, the changes are nowhere near as categorical.

Alcohol, or booze, is perhaps the key element

in getting down with the opposite sex.

And where better to find booze than a house party?

There are certain tell-tale signs of a party.

- This must be it.

- It's disgusting.

- [Voiceover] Boys urinating is a good sign,

as is a drunken girl crying out front.

- I'll give you something to cry about.

- [Voiceover] The most important element at any party

is, of course, booze.

When planning your party,

collect as many empty premium vodka bottles as you can.

- [Voiceover] Then buy the cheapest vodka you can find.

Two-litre plastic bottles,

and pour it into the other bottles.

No one will know, and no one will care,

but you might be able to buy enough booze

to keep the party going all night.

(rap music)

The party you attend may be under-alcoholed.

If so, you may only get one trip to the bar.

Make it count.

Food is nice,

but if it's after 10:30, then don't touch it.

Be sure to dance around and have some fun at the party.

If there's a theme,

then dress up.

Don't worry about looking stupid.

Clean up any mess you make.

It doesn't have to be spotless,

but be seen to make an attempt.

- [Voiceover] The truth is,

the place will probably be trashed by tomorrow morning,

which brings us to guide tip number one:

Have your party at someone else's place.

- I got a speaker phone on this shit.

I can send pictures, but they come out digital,

look like pacman and shit.

Hey.

- What's up, hammertime?

- [Man With Phone] Who's this?

- [Man] This is my friend, Yuri.

- [Man With Phone] Oh, man.

- She invited me to oil her down

at her photoshoot on Saturday.

- Maxim, huh?

I'm getting a maximum boner

with her sitting right here.

Also, I got like, a little switch blade.

There's a compartment in here somewhere.

When I figure it out,

I'm gonna take it out and show you.

Maybe I'll cut up someone with it.

(intense music)

- Oh, god.

- What?

- Look at those two.

- Oh my god.

Getting play?

- Mine's cute.

- They look like X'ers from Beat Street.

- Yeah, but at least they're having fun.

Oh, look at our friends.

- [Girl] Mm. Yeah, that's true.

Well, the one with the big phone does have a nice ass.

- That would be play.

Hey, can we have some of that?

- What, you mean the very special yak?

- A yak?

- [Girl] What?

- Yes, motherfuckers. Climb up on the yak, man.

Know about the cognac?

- Can I marry you?

- No, but you can get to know me if you want to.

- I got some gin.

- Gin's for drunken old ladies.

- Hey, Bernice.

Weren't we gonna see if they wanted to go tagging later on?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, y'all tag?

We got some russels in the car.

We got some purple.

- Ninja turtle green.

We were about to hit the scientology building

like, at twelve o'clock after this.

- Aw, haha!

- [Voiceover] When there's only coffee liqueur and gin left,

it's time to play a game,

kind of like an adult easter egg hunt,

called booze hunt.

Good places to look are the freezer,

but it's a little obvious.

Other cupboards in the kitchen,

look amongst the pasta and vinegar,

always towards the back.

Leave no stone unturned.

There's booze stashed somewhere.

- Oh, shit, yo.

Yo, my bad.

Oh shit.

- It's hammer time.

- Haha.

- [Voiceover] While both boys and girls enjoy getting down,

boys, being more goal-oriented,

tend to take a more militaristic approach to night life.

Once situated, boys will go into recon mode.

(intense music)

- Oh my god.

- Well, we went to Internacionale.

- The doofiest fire marshal.

- Yeah, it got really crazy. Way too crazy.

- But it's way better we came here instead.

(intense music)

- Check it out, mate.

- Oh, I see.

- [Voiceover] Earlier on, Brittany and Tiffany

said they just wanted to hang out with their friends.

But look, these clothes are not comfortable or practical.

- [Voiceover] If they met a guy they liked,

it would be on, but what do girls like?

- [Voiceover] Girls like tall, handsome guys.

And girls like rich guys who buy them things.

And guys who can dance.

Sadly, rich, handsome model types who can dance

make up only 3 percent of the male population.

So girls are forced to learn to appreciate other qualities,

like humor.

- Hey, what's got two thumbs and loves blowjobs?

(laughs)

Excuse me, but you're standing on my cock.

(laughs)

- [Voiceover] But even if you're not funny,

handsome, or rich, don't panic.

Dancing is easier than it's ever been.

(pop music)

And drinks are cheaper than ever.

- [Voiceover] And right now, guide scientists

are testing a technique called

the shoegazer makeover system.

- [Man] All right, so anyway, what do you got here?

- It should go with the shoes, right?

- Right.

- And that will go something with...

- Cause you can wear anything with the checkers.

- Something cute like this.

It's even a little more hip

if you can add something like this,

because it really doesn't match, and that's cool.

- [Voiceover] Let's see what it's all about.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Hey.

- [Voiceover] And Daniel needs all the help he can get.

♫ She comes over to my place in an old man's Benz

♫ And gold and silver and jewels of all colors

♫ And she doesn't take them off

♫ when we're tearing up the covers ♫

- What we're wanting to do today with Daniel

is to give him some of that Hollywood pizzazz.

- Yes.

- Hurry up, you faggots.

- [Head Scientist] First, hair.

Then the wristbands,

and finally tattoos.

Pants, very tight.

- These pants are squishing my balls.

- Oh, that's good. Good.

And the t-shirt, something old, punk metal.

A motley crue, motorhead...

- That's cool. - So cool.

- [Head Scientist] Very good.

Obscure brand names also work as well,

as do the plain odd shirts.

And for your tattoo,

we're going with "fuck my bush,"

the title of the book you're writing.

- I'm not writing a book.

- You are now.

Does it hurt enough?

And some nautical stars for punk rock.

- Nautical stars. - That's punk rock.

- One more thing.

- He looks hot. - Dope.

(rock music)

- Ooh, hey. Is that a bass?

- Yeah. We just finished a show over at the vibe room.

- Ooh. What band?

- The bleeding chest wounds.

Yeah, you should come watch us practice sometime.

- Okay.

- I'll bring some beers.

- Cool ride. Mm.

- [Voiceover] Unlike boys,

when a girl is out to get down,

often all she needs to do is show up.

This is because girls possess what is known as pussy power,

and all she has to do is give the signal.

The signal is given very quickly.

Too long and it smacks of desperation,

and loses its potency.

But beware, boys will sometimes see the signal

when none was given.

- I love your shoes, where'd you get them?

- Gucci.

- I love Gucci.

Have you been to the Gucci store in Vegas?

- [Voiceover] So a good defensive game

is imperative for a fun night out.

- That's cheetahs.

I love strip Charlie's.

I wanted to be a stripper one time.

They wouldn't take me,

I needed new boobs or something.

- Aw, that's a shame.

- [Voiceover] He was just being friendly.

- [Voiceover] In fact, friendship was the last

thing on his mind.

But it doesn't stop here.

Some boys will offer drinks, others will clown around.

Those with less imagination

will simply stand nearby and try to catch your eye.

Rings are good for warding off unwanted advances.

- Can you see I'm engaged?

- [Voiceover] As are girlfriends.

- How's it going?

Can I buy you a drink?

- No. I'm hanging out with my girlfriends.

- [Voiceover] And girlfriends work

even if they're not there.

- Hey.

- I'm hanging out with my girlfriends tonight.

- [Voiceover] And if you don't have a ring,

you can always enlist a fake boyfriend,

an excellent way to meet the guy

you are actually interested in.

- (speaking Spanish) You are so fine.

- Honey, what's taking these drinks so long?

I mean, we've been waiting here forever.

I am so thirsty.

I just can't. Like, she's...

- Honey, hi.

You forget you have a girlfriend?

You can't keep it in your pants for two minutes

while I take a piss?

You can have her, puta.

- [Voiceover] After getting to know each other a little

comes the crucial moment where the differences

between boys and girls are most evident.

- Hey, bro, check out Greg.

- [Voiceover] The boys are pleased for their comrade.

- But he was driving.

How are we supposed to get home?

- We'll just have to walk.

- Fuck, my heart pills, man.

- Your what?

- My nitroglycerin.

I left it in the car.

- Suck it up, bro.

She's going home with him.

- [Voiceover] Greg doesn't want

to risk leaving Rebecca alone,

in case she changes her mind.

He guides her to the car

without saying goodbye to his friends.

(sad music)

- [Voiceover] The girls, however,

have a completely different ethos.

Like the marines, no one is left behind.

- This is your car?

- Yeah. Be careful.

- Get in here, baby.

I bonked my head.

- Baby, you all right?

- Where are you going?

You're drunk.

Come with us, we'll take you home.

- Actually, I was going to drop her home.

- That's nice, but we don't even know you,

so we can't let our friend leave with you.

- But I want to.

- No, you don't.

- Yes, she does.

- Leave me alone, you jealous bitches.

- Shut up. Rebecca, bring your ass.

Get out of the car, girl.

We're taking you home.

Go.

- You're an asshole.

- You were lucky we didn't call the cops.

- I'm on myspace!

- The fuck.

- [Voiceover] We talked earlier about how girls

have control, and touched on the subject of pussy power.

But what exactly is it?

- [Voiceover] Pussy power is a natural force,

that when wielded skillfully,

can turn any situation

to a girl's advantage.

Women have relied upon it since the dawn of time.

For thousands of years,

employment options for women have been limited.

Even today it is not an even playing field,

so women have had to figure out other methods

of getting the things they want.

Young girls learn how to use it from an early age.

An experienced acolyte can gain the upper hand

in almost any situation involving heterosexual men.

- She is coming along nicely.

- [Voiceover] You don't have to be ridiculously hot,

but it helps.

- Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Well, a ways back, you made an illegal left turn,

from the right-hand lane, back at Third and Alameda.

- It was a safe turn.

- You know, actually, it was a really safe turn.

I have to say, you don't see those every day.

I'll give this to you.

You ever have any problems, you give me a call.

Number's on the back.

- Thank you, officer.

I know. Hey, do you want a drink?

- Yeah.

- Champagne. Now.

- I will get you champagne now.

- [Voiceover] And the genius of it is,

- Good. You can go now.

- As you wish.

- [Voiceover] She never actually has to give out the pussy.

- This is now the ladies' bathroom.

- Ladies' bathroom.

- Dude. - Ladies' bathroom.

- [Voiceover] But if she should decide

she wants to go home with someone,

- None of you.

- [Voiceover] One more thing about pussy power.

It only works in certain situations.

- Excuse me,

we're danging at Bazongas in ten minutes.

Do you mind if we, uh...

- We have all got places to be, okay?

So you're gonna have to wait your turn.

- Can you believe her?

- That bitch thought she was hot,

but she was not.

- I don't know who's gonna pay her to dance.

- Let's go.

- [Voiceover] And while we are on the subject,

girls, if you ever want to simply go out and dance,

then a gay club is definitely the way to go.

Lots of hot, well-dressed guys,

who know how to have fun,

and won't hassle you.

- [Voiceover] But be warned.

There is a certain breed of guy

who is not gay, but will pretend to be,

just to get laid.

The logic is sound.

Meet John.

By day, he is a hetero construction worker.

By night, he goes by Mario,

and is a fake homosexual, or fauxmo.

- So, where'd you get that rack?

- I just got them done.

Aren't they great?

- Yeah, I guess.

- Well, I had big boobs to begin with.

That's why they feel so soft,

because my natural boobs are on top.

- Okay.

- You can touch them if you want.

- They're kinda hard.

- Here. Let me feel.

Hm.

Mm-hm.

Yeah. They feel pretty real.

Under the muscle?

- Yeah. How did you know?

- Oh. I'm a designer.

I deal with models all the time.

- You're a designer?

- You should come to my studio sometime.

I would love to make you a dress.

- So you're a designer, huh?

- Yeah. What of it?

- What school did you go to?

What boutiques do you sell to?

- Listen, you little faggot.

You better back the fuck off,

or I'm gonna whoop your ass.

- Oh my god, I love this song!

Come dance with me.

♫ I'm gonna make it a night to remember ♫

- Oh my god, you're so cute.

I can't believe that you're gay.

I hate LA.

All the cute guys are gay.

So, you've never been with a girl before?

- No way, man.

I mean, don't get me wrong.

I love girls, but they just don't do it for me.

- Well, how do you know until you try?

- Look, dude, I like balls.

What can I say?

- Are you trying to tell me

that this body does not make you hot?

Honey, I could give you a blowjob

better than any of the guys in this bar.

- Look, Angie, you're a beautiful, sweet, intelligent girl.

But I'm a guy. I like guys!

- Listen.

Why don't we just go to my house

and if you feel uncomfortable at all, I'll stop.

Promise.

- Okay. I'll just go close out my tab.

I'll be right back.

- [Voiceover] Mario seems to be getting somewhere

with this technique.

But it can prove problematic.

- Woah, woah, woah. Dude.

What are you doing?

This taxi's taken.

- Oh no, Mario.

This is a friend of mine.

This is Brutus.

He's coming with us.

- That's right, Mario.

I'm going to eat you up.

- [Angie] Don't worry, it'll be fun.

- [Voiceover] Drugs are an important part of getting down.

Drugs can be divided into two main groups.

Sketchy and fun.

- [Voiceover] Sketchy drugs are the ones that will dominate

and mess up your life, and your complexion.

Fun drugs are those that are used recreationally

to have a bit of fun.

- [Voiceover] Sketchy drugs include speed,

heroin, crack, and cocaine when it's smoked.

Sketchy drugs should be avoided at all costs

by any boy or girl who wants to get down.

- [Voiceover] Fun drugs include weed,

ecstasy, and cocaine.

These drugs are basically harmless,

and some would argue, good for you.

Moderation being the key.

- [Voiceover] But where do drugs come from?

Buying drugs off the street is asking for trouble.

In this experiment, the guide sent four lab assistants

downtown to purchase some drugs, or score.

- Do you know where I could buy some weed?

- Yo, man, I don't fucking know you.

You can fuck out of my face, man.

- Okay, all right. Thank you.

- Fuckass.

- The fuck you looking at, yo?

- Okay, um.

Excuse me, do you guys know where I could buy some weed?

You know, the chronic?

- Yeah, what you want, dog?

- I actually, I have fifty.

Is that enough?

- Oh, hey, I got some good shit, homie.

- My name's Dylan, by the way.

- [Voiceover] Jason bought some weed.

- All right, thank you.

- [Voiceover] Whenever you see drugs

heavily wrapped in saran,

it's because the people selling it to you

don't want to be around

when you finally manage to open it.

Marijuana, no.

Mari-nada.

Reggie, you've tried to buy some coke.

- I'm looking for some cocaine.

- What? I got you, man.

You got some money?

- Yeah, I've got fifty dollars.

- Well, give me the money, man.

I'll be right back.

All right, I got you.

Stay right here.

- Thank you so much.

- No problem, bro.

- I know he's not coming back!

He gone, boo.

- [Voiceover] Most troubling was Alex's adventure.

He was arrested, and is now at a holding cell

at the ramparts division.

The details are still a little unclear.

- [Voiceover] Reggie's persistence paid off,

and he was finally able to purchase some cocaine.

- So I will be inhaling the narcotic now.

- [Voiceover] Our scientists here

at the boy's and girl's guide

did some tests on this coke,

and it turned out to be 60 percent foot powder,

40 percent baking soda.

- [Voiceover] With the same 40 dollars,

Reggie could have bought this much

foot powder and baking soda.

- Nicely done.

- [Voiceover] The baggie was not a good value.

- [Voiceover] The point is that in order to get down,

you will need to find your own drug dealer,

who will come to your home.

But drug dealers are not like regular people.

The first thing you will notice about a drug dealer

is that he always has the best shit,

that hasn't been stepped on.

- A-1 butter.

Just the real motherfucking deal, holy feel.

It's the shit that makes the president go hmm.

These bitches better come fuck me.

This butter's over here.

And you ain't wanna fuck with nobody else.

Don't fuck with my car, okay?

- Come check me, you gonna get the OG kush.

It's the one-hit wonder,

all the way from the hippies up in Arcada, man.

I'm telling you, it's the only way to go.

You could smoke that stress,

and give you a headache,

make you wanna go to sleep.

But you ain't gonna be able to kick it with those girls,

up in the club, smoking that shit, man.

I'm telling you.

- Now, that's what I call a tupperware party.

These shrooms are great,

and they will get you fucked up.

- It's pure MDMA, from Amsterdam.

- You know, you may be able to get it cheaper,

but you won't be able to get it better.

This one comes straight from Peru.

Doesn't have any (mumbles) whatsoever,

you will enjoy the sex.

You will be sleeping.

You need to, at the end of the day,

you want to sleep, you know?

You have a good time and you want to sleep.

How much you say you wanted?

- [Voiceover] The point is to ask a drug dealer

about the quality of the merchandise,

because until the FDA gets involved,

you are just going to have to take his word for it.

And finally, drug dealers have their own way of talking,

a kind of code.

Drugs are referred to as t-shirts,

or Cds, things.

- How many t-shirts?

- An eight-ball. Three and a half t-shirts.

- Yeah, all right.

- You remember where it is?

- Be there in fifteen minutes.

- Okay.

- [Voiceover] The second thing that you'll notice

about drug dealers is that their concept of time

is different from regular people.

Note the correlation between drug dealer time

and human time.

If he says he'll be there in half an hour,

it really means an hour and a half,

and so on.

- I don't know where he is.

Just have to wait.

Not calling.

- This is fucking bullshit, bro.

- Dude, you know when he gets here,

you have to wait in the bathroom.

- What? That's fucking bullshit, bro.

- That's how it's done.

- You know I don't have any money.

- That explains the outfit.

- I'll make it up to you.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Just checking up on you.

- Yeah, who is it?

- Just wanted to make sure, you know, you were...

- I fucking told you I'd be there in ten minutes.

- This is bullshit.

I'm gonna call my other guy.

- You've got another guy?

- No.

- You should call him.

- Dude, we're not calling him again.

- Maybe he forgot.

- Dude, I know him.

He's a professional.

- He's late.

- We're not calling.

I'm gonna call him.

- [Phone] Your call has been forwarded

to an automated voice messaging system.

- Voicemail.

- Hello?

- [Man] It's Hector.

- Thank you, Hector.

- I'm out of here.

- All right. I appreciate it.

- Dude, so fucking humiliating.

Oh shit. Fuck yeah, bro, nice score!

- With enough time for last call.

- Let's make it happen, cap'n.

- Cool.

- [Voiceover] Once you have a dealer

who you're comfortable with,

the more you buy, the better price you get,

so pretty soon you can hook up your friends,

and effectively get your drugs for free.

But at this point, you're in danger of turning

into a mini-drug dealer,

so be careful.

If traveling, keep your stash in the glove box.

The police need a warrant to search it.

And if you are ever pulled over,

and they ask to have a look around the vehicle,

- You mind if we take a look around the vehicle?

- Knock yourselves out.

- [Voiceover] Get smart off to the cops at your own risk.

- Is that weed I smell?

- Smells like probable cause to me.

- Put your hands behind your back, come on, man.

- This is bullshit.

Don't you guys got enough better to do, man?

- Come on, man, let's go.

- [Voiceover] At the end of the day,

they make all the rules.

(party music)

- Yo, smoke some weed!

- Yeah, I got some Hungarian maple chronic.

Yo, smoke break!

- Oh shit.

Hey, let's go smoke some herb.

- [Voiceover] Weed is an important part of getting down,

and retaining your sanity in big cities.

Not quite as much fun as alcohol,

but it doesn't give you a hangover.

It's such a benign substance

that doctors prescribe it,

and yet, curiously, it's illegal.

Right now, weed is cheap,

good, and easy to get.

So let's hope it stays illegal.

- [Voiceover] There are really only two types of weed.

Dirt weed, or shake,

and skunk weed, also known as kind bud,

chronic, and the good shit, among other things.

Dirt weed is cheaper, and full of twigs and seeds,

lacking in potent, hairy buds.

Just because it's not as strong,

it doesn't mean it's without merit.

Dirt weed is great for in the mornings,

or at work.

- [Voiceover] Skunk weed is the pungent, sticky buds,

that get you super high.

Good for traffic jams,

and it can make any food taste like a gourmet feast.

- [Voiceover] The government will tell you that years

of smoking weed will make you stupid.

This is incorrect.

Every time you smoke weed,

you become more stupid, if only temporarily.

- Huh?

- [Voiceover] Don't think for a second

that if you get stoned at the party,

you will be witty and clever.

- I love getting (mumbles)

- I used to smoke weed with L. Ron Hubbard.

- [Voiceover] And remember, guide tip number two:

don't smoke weed if you are already drunk.

She's a happy drunk,

and she loves getting stoned,

but mixed together she gets the spins.

Weed is superb for hangovers,

stress, or any kind of nausea.

It's also very effective against feminine abdominal issues.

- [Voiceover] Weed can be ingested in a number of ways.

Most common is the joint.

Joints are constructed thus:

- First, you sprinkle the weed throughout the length.

Like so.

And if you don't want a pregnant one,

you use your finger.

Then, you gently pinch the tips with your fingers.

And roll the shaft with your thumbs.

Not too tight, or it'll be hard to suck.

You lick it, you stick it,

and that's how I roll.

Look at it. Magnificent.

Fantastic.

And now, you smoke.

(intense music)

- This bikini's too tight.

- Mine too.

That is so scratchy.

- Let's switch.

- [Voiceover] Joints turn weed into a social drug,

because they are often passed around.

But there are strict rules about passing joints.

Whoever's weed it is can smoke as much as he or she likes,

before passing.

- [Voiceover] And we all know about puff, puff, give.

It's not puff, chat, chat, puff, give.

Tell your story when you're not holding the joint.

- What the fuck?

- Hey, look, man.

Don't babysit the shit, okay?

- I wasn't done with that.

- You done now.

- [Voiceover] And it's bad manners to kill it

if there are still people waiting for their first hit.

- Who's supposed to smoke this, Tinkerbell?

You're a cool-ass chick.

- [Voiceover] Advanced stoners employ a technique

known as the go-between.

- [Voiceover] Without question,

the most effective way to smoke your weed

is with a bong.

- [Voiceover] The water filters out most of the tar,

and it cools the smoke down.

- [Voiceover] The brochure that came with this bong

says that it removes 80 percent of the tar.

- Wait. Wait for it.

- [Voiceover] That sounded high,

so we ran our own tests.

- Go ahead.

What's gonna happen, is it gonna be soft?

Like lotion?

- You ready?

- Give me a break, dude.

Gah, Jesus!

I have a hole in my hands!

- [Voiceover] But the results were inconclusive.

Now you're ready to face the day,

no matter how stressful your job.

After a few drinks,

the boys are getting antsy

and want to purchase some cocaine.

- [Voiceover] It's always advisable to figure out

your drug requirements ahead of time,

like there's the afternoon.

You get a better deal, it's safer,

and you can prep your poison properly.

- [Voiceover] But sometimes, it's not possible.

When buying drugs at a bar or a club,

it's important to remember certain guidelines.

You see the mistake here, too conspicuous.

Now, let's try it again.

But this time, Tony already has the money together.

- [Voiceover] Once you've acquired your cocaine,

the next thing to remember is to have some fun.

Chop it up as fine as you can,

because to get the desired effect,

it has to get into the blood stream.

Larger lumps simply dissolve in mucus,

and drip down your throat.

Finer powders absorb through the nasal membranes.

It's all about the surface area.

A finer powder has more surface area.

Let's go back to the lab.

In one tank, the mice are off

at a selection of food and alcohol.

The other tank is identical,

except our scientists added

a solution of cocaine hydrochloride.

- [Voiceover] Look at the behavior of the coke mice,

alternating between the stash,

the vodka, and the wheel,

they have no interest in the nearby food.

- [Voiceover] Now watch what happens when we introduce

a mouse on cocaine into the other tank.

- [Voiceover] Some of the mice are crashed out,

but note how the mice that are still up

can sense that he has been taking cocaine.

See how they gather around him,

as if they are trying to get something from him.

Two valuable lessons are learned here:

if you're going to drink all night,

cocaine will balance out the alcohol.

You won't get so drunk,

and you will be able to party til dawn.

- [Voiceover] Secondly, others can sense

when you have cocaine,

and will pester you for it.

Watch what happens here.

Tony has just hooked up a forty bag,

and now he is talking to Brittany,

a girl he has just met.

- Why, get some?

- [Voiceover] He hesitates,

but he has already committed.

- Here you go.

- Thanks!

- I didn't tell you about Jennifer.

- What happened?

- She slept with him last night, Brittany.

- No. Are you serious?

- Yeah. - You're kidding me.

- No, and I'm just...

- She is such a whore. You want some?

- Oh, sure.

- How funny is that?

- Hey, guys.

She's such a whore.

- Oh no, Brian wasn't even...

I heard, first hand.

- Yeah. You really should.

You really, really should.

What do you want, another one?

- Mm, come girl.

- There you go.

- I'm pretty good. My face is numb.

- Hey.

- Oh?

- You got the rest of my shit?

- Yeah.

There was like, hardly anything in there.

- [Voiceover] Or she might say something like...

- Hey.

- Oh?

- You got the rest of my shit?

- There must have been a hole or something in the bag.

- [Voiceover] Sometimes it's an honest mistake.

- [Voiceover] Sometimes it's just inexperience.

- I don't really feel so good.

- [Voiceover] Sometimes it's malicious.

And sometimes it's just plain stupid.

- Oh!

- Did I get any?

- Blow in, not out, bitch.

- [Voiceover] But the point to remember

is that a fool and his baggie are soon separated.

- [Voiceover] Let's start over again.

- Would you like some coke?

- Yeah, I love it.

Why, you got some?

- Yeah. Follow me.

- [Voiceover] It's fun ducking into a bathroom

or a storeroom for a toot,

but it's not always practical.

The advanced partier will often use a technique,

known as the guest bindle,

to defend against moochers.

- Hey, you got a bump, man?

- [Voiceover] The guest bindle

is a paper fold constructed thus.

- [Voiceover] Once constructed,

a good rule of thumb

is to put a fifth of the amount you have

in the guest bindle.

- [Voiceover] You must use glossy magazine paper,

not too flimsy, or it will tear.

Other types of paper like photocopy,

or newspaper are unsuitable,

because they are too porous.

On one side, we use a bindle made

from glossy magazine paper,

and on the other side,

a bindle made from regular photocopy paper.

Moisture is cocaine's mortal enemy.

As you can see,

the coke in the photocopy paper is ruined.

The wet cocaine is not completely useless.

It can be dried by microwaving it

in ten-second increments.

But use this technique

only if absolutely necessary.

Any time cocaine gets near a microwave,

you are just a dab of baking soda away

from becoming a crack head.

The coke in the glossy bindle is safe and dry.

- [Voiceover] But we digress.

Let's watch the guest bindle in action.

- Yeah, yeah. Sure.

- [Voiceover] Peter hands off the guest bindle

without trepidation.

- Leave me a pinch, all right?

- [Voiceover] He gets to look like a generous rock star,

- He's pretty cool, man.

- [Voiceover] And he knows he has plenty left for later.

Meanwhile, back at the house party,

things are coming to a close.

You know you've done something right

when the cops break up the party.

- Aw man, who fucking invited the cops, man?

That's bullshit.

Hey man, the fucking cops is here!

- [Voiceover] They will show up,

so be ready for them.

- Here you go.

- Is this supposed to be funny?

- Man, I don't give a fuck about these cops.

They can suck my dick.

- That's some gay shit, man.

I ain't trying to hear any of that gay shit.

I'm here to get some fucking pussy.

- Are you sure you don't want to come

to this other party with me?

- No, I'm just gonna go with him.

- Well, I don't want to be left alone.

- God, just go with the other one.

He's cute.

Fucked up. I just wanna go home and get some dick.

Hey, officer.

If I fall down, will you draw a chalk outline around me?

- Walk on.

- Hey, hey, hey.

- Is she gonna be all right with him?

- Yeah, yeah. He's Christian.

He like, goes to synagogue and shit.

- She could kick his ass anyway.

- Want to go to this other party?

- Yeah.

- [Voiceover] Here at the guide,

we do not condone drinking and driving.

It should be avoided at all costs.

Remember Oscar?

- [Voiceover] At first he seems fine,

but notice the lack of coordination

as he tries to round obstacles.

His spatial awareness is diminished,

and reaction times are greatly reduced,

leading to an accident,

possibly injuring the mouse.

- Okay, guys.

They're on their way down.

- Ten-four, we're all set.

Haha, DUI, you motherfuckers.

They're coming down.

- [Voiceover] Drinking and driving is no joke,

but sometimes, it's unavoidable.

So here are some tips.

Plan your route.

Always check your lights twice.

No lights at night

is the number-one reason that cops pull drunk drivers over.

Take side streets and drive carefully.

- [Voiceover] If you can, do your drinking and driving

during office hours.

Much less chance of being pulled over.

Certain behaviors are sure to get you arrested.

- Woo-hoo-hoo! It's like a fucking video game, huh?

- Dude, what are you, fucked up or something, man?

- You going to walk?

- [Voiceover] Check that you are wearing your seatbelt.

- Nah, it's cool. It's cool.

- Good, good. Shut the fuck up, bro.

I need to concentrate, man.

- [Voiceover] And that your passengers.

But if you are really too drunk,

then get someone else to drive.

Because if you don't...

- Yo, hide the fucking beer, dude.

Hide the fucking beer!

- Come on, bro. Let's go.

- Hang on. Oh yeah.

Dude?

We can't both be to the side.

- [Voiceover] Bars are fun,

but eventually they close.

Last call is a rallying cry for kids

who like to get down.

- [Voiceover] There are decisions to be made,

and strategies to formulate,

And not much time.

But before you jump into anything,

remember the acceptability graph.

This graph is based on a phenomenon

called beer goggles,

or cider visor for the younger lush.

The effects are startling.

- Oh, Marty, you out?

- Yeah, I gotta go.

I'm house sitting at this kick-ass house up in the hills.

- Oh yeah? Whose place is it?

- It's Mr. Belding's house.

From Saved By The Bell.

He was the principle.

- A-huh. - Let's go.

- Um, okay, yeah.

But just, just keep it the two of you guys, all right?

Maybe, maybe a couple girls,

but that is it.

It's gotta be small.

Very small. Okay?

- You ladies interested in going to a party up in the hills?

- Where? - Mr. Belding's house.

- Who?

- You know, from Saved By The Bell.

- Whatever. Are there going to be drugs?

- Heaps of them.

- Who says it never snows in LA?

- [Voiceover] There are always parties,

but sometimes, if you met someone,

the smart play is ditching out.

- Yeah, let's go.

- Well, how about your friend?

- Forget about her.

I don't even like the bitch.

Let's go.

- [Voiceover] Outside the bar is an excellent place

to figure out where the afterparty is.

- Good night, guys.

- But it's not even one thirty.

- Have a good night.

- Fuck.

- What are we gonna do now?

- You wanna come to the party tonight?

- Yeah, where is it?

- Hey, Eugene.

Where's that party again?

- 1548 Halconia. - 1548 Halconia.

- [Voiceover] Make sure you know where it is.

And it's important to remember

that when you get to the party,

introduce yourself to the host

and, if you can,

bring something.

Booze, drugs, or at the very least,

make sure you show up in a group

with both boys and girls.

- Fuck, it's all dudes.

- [Voiceover] Editing a party is a tough job,

but sometimes, it just has to be done.

- [Voiceover] Otherwise, you're in danger

of having a sausage party.

(upbeat music)

- I'll take care of this.

- Oh my god, he was such a...

- You guys?

Listen, go hide in the back bedroom for one second.

Uh, hey, everybody?

I hate to do this, I really hate to do this.

But I gotta get up, like, super early in the morning.

So I gotta start asking you guys to leave, okay?

Seriously, hate to break it up.

- Sorry about that, man.

- You guys have been cool.

Thanks a lot, man.

Good to see you guys.

Thanks for coming by.

I'm sorry I've gotta kick you out.

Terrible about it.

The neighbors and stuff.

- Hey, hey, um.

Marty, is it?

- Yeah, sorry, guys.

It's just getting like, really late.

- I just wanted to say hi,

and my friend Charlie wanted to say hi.

- Yeah, yeah. Come on in.

Come on in.

- This is my friend Andy.

- [Marty] Hey, Andy. What's going on?

- Hey, what's up?

- [Voiceover] But with all that said and done,

it's time to get down and have some fun.

The brutal truth about coked-up afterparties

is that they can be a little dumb.

A bunch of kids sitting around the mirror

waiting for someone else to put out the next line.

- Dude, I know what the dizzle is here, man.

We're getting freaking shut out.

- I know, man. Dismissed.

- Fucking Stonewall Jackson.

What is this bullshit?

I don't know what is up with this shit.

- Hey. That Asian keeps looking over here.

- For reals? - Think she's into me.

- Ooh. - Dude.

Check out that fucking blondie right there.

- Well, I'm part asian. Caucasian.

- A-huh.

Dude, look at that skirt.

Look at that fucking skirt.

Bring that over here.

Bring that shit to me.

- Let's start our party here.

- It's fucking like an iceberg,

up in this fucking mug here.

- How we doing?

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hey. - Hi.

- Tiff the G.

- I'm Andy. - Bryce.

- Pleasure's all mine.

- Gina. - Gina, Andy. How's it going?

- Kelly.

- [Andy] What's up, Kelly, how's it going?

Hey, Andy.

- [Voiceover] Just a few years ago,

getting down after a night of partying

would have been an angst-ridden endeavor,

fraught with doubts about the upcoming performance.

- You know I never do this, right?

- [Voiceover] It's a hard fact that coke and ecstasy

can not only affect a boy's ability

to achieve or maintain an erection,

it can also shrink his manhood

to the size of a tater tot.

- It's okay, baby.

We can do other things.

- Hang on, give me a second.

I think it's getting hard.

(moans)

Aw, come on, little fella.

- I'm bored.

I'm going to go watch some TV.

- [Voiceover] Putty rope is no fun for anyone,

but nowadays we have a little blue pill

that helps us through the flaccid marshland

and onto hard ground.

- See how Brittany breaks off just a quarter of the pill,

and while Tony is not looking,

she crushes it into the cocaine on the mirror.

- Don't worry, big boy.

Let's just do the rest of these lines and hang out.

Here.

- [Voiceover] Don't be afraid, guys.

Viagra is not just for impotent men and geriatrics.

Don't take the whole thing.

They are not cheap,

and you'll be hard for the next two days straight.

Just bite a nick off the corner

half an hour before you're ready to rock and roll.

And once pfisar figures out how to combine

ecstasy and viagra in the same pill,

if god took drugs, this would be his favorite.

(moaning)

- You came already?

- [Voiceover] The only thing you need to worry about

are the warnings on the pill bottle.

- Oh my god.

- Oh, my chest.

- Are you okay?

Are you okay?

- Oh, shit.

- [Voiceover] Brittany's heart was in the right place,

but giving drugs to anyone without their knowledge

is definitely not cool.

- [Brittany] Hang in there.

- [Voiceover] Tony is taking medication

for a hereditary cardiac condition.

- Fuck, my heart pills, man.

- Your what?

- My nitroglycerin.

I left it in the car.

- Eh, suck it up, bro.

- Oh my god.

- Don't you worry, miss.

Your boyfriend here is gonna be just fine.

- Oh, he's not my boyfriend.

I just met him tonight.

- Oh.

- I don't have a boyfriend.

- What a shame.

- You're so funny.

We should hang out sometime.

- Sure.

- Take my number.

Five five five.

- Five five five...

- [Voiceover] Poor Tony.

But knowing he has a heart condition,

playing around with cocaine wasn't the smartest thing

to do in the first place.

- [Voiceover] There are certain people you want to avoid

at afterparties.

The most common is the talker.

- Some people I think are like, four days a week,

or like, scientologists.

They're like, totally, like, crazy.

Like, they make like, no sense whatsoever.

But like, who like, cares about oil?

I mean, you just need it for cars and stuff.

Like, all these poor soldiers are like, dying...

- [Voiceover] We've all heard of coke whores.

These are coke bores.

- So cute, like, I love kittens and puppies,

and oh my god, no.

(grunting)

- Dude, that's enough.

- Oh my, what the fuck?

- [Voiceover] And musicians, this is not the time

or the place to jam or debut your band's new CD.

- Wait, listen to this bit.

- [Voiceover] And finally, the "is it any good" guy.

- What's up?

- How you doing?

You want a bump?

- Is it any good?

- Now you've fucking made it, mate.

- [Voiceover] If someone is nice enough to offer

their drugs to you, don't be a dick.

- Mind if I hit it?

- [Voiceover] To keep your afterparty fun,

have some activities arranged.

Charades can be fun, but guys,

especially macho guys, are often reluctant.

They will tattoo their knuckles

and mouth off at the cops,

but the sound chills their spine.

(people yelling out answers)

- Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

- [Woman] God, you're so good.

Well done.

- [Woman] Get over here, come on!

- Uh, I ain't doing it. Too gay.

- [Voiceover] So have something

a little more manly available.

- [Voiceover] But do beware of the drunk guy.

- Is that lipstick?

Lip gloss?

Oh my god.

- He's got to go.

(country music)

- I really like your necklace.

- Dude, don't put it all out.

Save some for later.

- I don't give a fuck.

This is how I do.

- Hey, saddle up, right fellas?

I'm good.

- Aw, bro!

(angry shouting)

- You can microwave that.

♫ I've got 10 four, 10 8,

♫ and I've got the 10 36

♫ I'd like to stick around

♫ and get my menace dirt kicks ♫

- [Voiceover] Board games rule,

and it's easy to turn pretty much any board game

into an adult version.

- Yep. Take it off.

That's right.

I meant your panties.

Ugh, that's fucked up.

- [Voiceover] Earlier on, we talked about the difference

between fun drugs and sketchy drugs.

Well, cocaine is a sketchy drug when it is smoked.

It also has the potential

to effect a small percentage of people

in a sketchy way,

by turning them into fiends.

- [Voiceover] You can always recognise a fiend.

They do not have their own drugs,

because they have done them all,

they cannot help but glance at the mirror

every thirty seconds.

They will scrape and scrape in between lines,

to get a few extra crumbs.

They will be calling drug dealers

at 10:30 the next morning.

- [Voiceover] It's no fun being a fiend.

But unlike the talker,

the fiend can be amusing.

- [Man] Are you from LA or are you...

- Um, um, I grew up in New York. Yeah.

- [Man] You doing the acting thing?

- Yeah, yeah, I've got all these offers and stuff, yeah.

- Cool, that's good. That's good.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

- [Voiceover] Sometimes, if the fiend is a girl,

she'll pretend to be into a boy, just for the drugs.

- I did a fruit of the loom commercial.

- [Man] Were you like, the grapes?

- I was the banana.

- [Man] You were the banana.

- Mm-hm.

- [Man] I saw the grape...

- 'Cause I'm yellow, you know.

- No, no...

- [Voiceover] This girl is known as a coke tease.

- Can I?

- Please.

- [Voiceover] If a boy feels that this is the case,

there is a simple test he can use

known as the titty bump test.

- How about, how about you let me do one off your nipple?

- [Voiceover] Implants are particularly good

for the titty bump test,

because of the angle of the dangle.

Look at this graph.

Notice how the drugs fall to the floor

on the natural breast.

In this case, the girl should lean back

to avoid waste.

The augmented breast is more pronounced,

so the cocaine is able to get good purchase

on the nipple.

The fake breast also lends a frisson of Vegas

to the whole situation,

which most kids agree is kind of fun.

And the experienced titty bumper

can easily parlay the titty bump test

into a suckle.

- [Voiceover] Even if the girl refuses,

the titty bump test rarely backfires.

- That guy just asked me to do a line off my breast.

- What an asshole!

- You know what, I'll go talk to him.

Let me talk to him.

- Are you kidding?

- So wrong.

- Yeah. Did you do it?

- Did you just ask to do a bump off of June's titty?

- Yeah.

- That takes a lot of balls, man.

Way to go.

For real, between you and me,

that chick is a complete fiend.

She's always mooching coke,

never buying it.

- Tell me about it.

She left me like, two lines, man.

You want to do one?

- Yeah.

Can I do it off your titty?

Nah, I'm fucking with you.

- [Voiceover] But it's not all loss and tomfoolery.

Would you have unprotected sex with this person?

Bad example.

What about this person?

Well, sharing a straw is just like doing this.

- [Voiceover] A sobering thought,

and sobriety has its place

in a life of kids who want to get down.

Mostly in the mornings,

and some afternoons too,

but it's almost impossible

to get down and be sober, so beware.

- Hey, you want a bump?

- Nah, I'm straight-edge.

I don't need that shit.

- I don't need it either, but it's fun.

- No, it's a cop-out.

What are you trying to escape from?

- Mostly you.

What are you even doing here, anyway?

- You know, I don't do coke, either.

- [Voiceover] With all the fun you've been having,

the time flies, and it's soon 5:30 AM.

At about this time, some bright spark

will start making plans for tomorrow,

with their new best friends.

- Let's go to Vegas.

- Yes, that is a good idea.

- For real, dudes.

- Let's go get a pint.

- [Voiceover] You can agree to do any of these things

because everybody knows that there is no way

it'll actually happen.

It's more of a ritual,

during which boys and girls can pretend

that the following day is not a complete write-off.

- We should all go play paintball.

- Yes.

- [Voiceover] With morning approaching,

it's nearly time to go home with that special boy or girl

you've been flirting with all night.

- They all left me and now I don't have a ride home.

- Look, I could probably give you a ride.

- [Voiceover] Or if they have already gone,

then with the best of whoever's left.

- But first, why don't we stop at my place?

- Okay.

- All right, hold on.

- [Voiceover] Guide tip number four.

Remember your sunglasses.

(upbeat music)

Try not to hate the rest of the world

as it goes about its business.

Remember, it's you who is the freak.

♫ Sirens sounding out

♫ Are we going to war

♫ A film of yesterday on a broken-down door

♫ Send me something real to ignore or explore

♫ And I'll show you all the things that I saw

♫ Today, the words don't mean enough of us to say

♫ For us to say

♫ Today, to steal the moment that we gave away

♫ We gave away

♫ Gave it away ♫

- So like, I'm a real romantic kind of girl.

I love relationships, I love when guys bring me roses,

and candlelit dinners are the best.

And also, I love long walks,

and I think the best part about relationships

is good communication, like,

when you finish each other's sentences.

I mean, it's so cool, because it's like two minds,

but you really are thinking with one.

What are you doing?

- Well, I guess there's only one way to shut you up,

isn't there?

- No, I mean, anyways, I like,

I love, like, when a guy picks me up

and like, he opens the door for me.

I like chivalry,

it just makes you feel like such a classy lady.

- [Voiceover] In an ideal world,

you will have a great time getting down with your friend,

and will wake up the following morning

and swear undying love for each other.

But sometimes, it wasn't meant to be.

- Yeah, I just woke up,

and I've got Run DMC in my bed.

The fuck am I supposed to do?

- Oh, just, I don't know.

Tell him your mom's coming over or something.

- All right, I'll call you later.

Bye bye.

- 'Kay, bye.

- Hey.

- Watch out, Eli.

World's gonna get the gold chains.

- Uh, Joey. Hey.

Hey, I just talked to my mom.

She just called, and she's coming to take me to breakfast

in like, ten minutes.

- Look, I just want to sleep for like, ten more minutes.

And you go eat a biscuit or something.

- Oh my god.

Seriously, you gotta get up.

Please? Please. Come on.

- Come on, man, I'm trying to sleep!

God damn, I'm tired.

I'm tired. Look at my face.

Tired.

- Get the fuck out of my room!

- God damn.

- I just asked you nicely to get out of my bed.

Now please put your santa suit on,

and get the fuck out.

- [Joey] Oh, my santa suit.

What happened to morning manners?

That's some bullshit.

- That's not bullshit.

- [Joey] Yeah, it is.

- That outfit's bullshit.

- All right, man, I'm getting out of here.

You know what, this is whack.

All you bitches are the same, man.

All act the same, man.

And you know what?

I don't want to say nothing last night,

but your house smells like cat shit.

Smells like Garfield just walked up in here

and took a shit.

Here's my goddamn glasses, man.

And you know what, one day,

one day you're gonna be all by yourself!

- Are you still talking?

- And you're gonna be sitting here,

with all the cats, and you're gonna be playing poker,

or whatever the fuck y'all be doing,

because you ain't got no goddamn friends,

and they're gonna be shitting,

and you're gonna be sitting in your rocking chair

because you're crazy.

And you're gonna have a grey mohawk.

- Shut the fuck up.

Will you just shut the fuck up and get out of my house?

- I'm out. I'm out of here.

- [Girl] Good. Get. Go. Scram.

Get out, get the fuck out.

- This is nasty.

I see, there is shit over here.

- You never shut up.

You talk and talk and talk and talk...

- This is not sexy.

Do you keep human shit on the side of your bed?

Huh? That's what it smells like.

Does your cat used to be a man?

Because it smells like man shit in here.

- Just get out.

Put your fucking sneakers on and run.

Get the fuck out!

- You know what?

- [Kate] Bye.

- I'm gonna tell all my boys that you got a mohawk

on your pussy.

Your pussy mohawk!

- [Voiceover] Bad planning on Kate's part

has led to a tense situation in the morning.

But look what happens if she had laid the groundwork

the night before.

- You can come in for a little bit,

hang out, whatever, but you can't stay the night.

Because my mom's coming in the morning.

If she sees you here, she'll freak out, okay?

- That's cool. That's all right.

- Awesome.

Oh, and I'm not gonna fuck you.

- I know.

Aw, shit.

- [Voiceover] Nobody likes a stranger in their bed

after a hard night out,

so not staying over is definitely the way to go.

But beware, anyone under the age of 23

will need cab money in order to get themselves home.

- You need some cab money?

- Yeah. 20 would be great.

- It's around the block.

- Just shut up.

- [Voiceover] Be a stand-up guy.

Don't make her ask.

- Here's five.

- Thanks.

- [Voiceover] So keep some small bills around,

for just such an occasion.

- Hey, can I borrow these?

- Oh.

- Thanks.

- I just paid eight bucks for those!

- [Voiceover] And remember,

anything she borrows you will never see again.

Drugs and alcohol, while a lot of fun,

are not known for the wisdom they lend

to the decision-making process.

If you are thinking about going home with someone,

but you are not sure, or you know you're wasted,

then don't.

- There's my house.

Trees and stuff, and...

- You know, um, I can't do this.

- What do you mean, you can't do this?

- I can't do this. I can't do this.

I can't do this.

- We don't have to have this,

you know what I mean?

- No, it's not about that.

It's... I'm a second-date kind of girl.

- All right, well, we can just go inside...

- And I'll call you.

You're a really great guy, Orlando.

And I'll call you.

I promise, I'll call you.

- You don't have my number.

- Oh. Uh, uh, what is it?

- [Voiceover] In cases like these,

your hand is your friend, so show it some appreciation.

Of all the advice in this guide,

this is the truest for both boys and girls.

Go home alone, pull your pod,

choke your chicken, beat your meat.

- You want to make party with me?

- [Voiceover] Girls, rub one out,

diddle the skittle, check your oil.

- Hey, this soap scum comes right off.

- [Voiceover] Spare a thought for all those

who have made your night fun.

- Now, you explain to me what the heck

vicious masturbation is.

- [Voiceover] And for those who have to clear

up your mess this morning.

- You fucking cocksuckers.

- Felix?

Call me back. It's important.

- My god.

The hell is going on here?

- Did Felix send you?

- No. Marty!

Oh my god, my house.

Marty!

- Fuck.

- Marty!

What is going on here?

- I had a couple people over.

- They all gotta go, Marty.

She's gotta go,

he's gotta go.

Oh, don't drop the...

- Everybody, everyone's gone.

We gotta go.

- I'm waiting for someone.

- No, sweetheart, you're leaving.

Everybody out, huh?

That was really good, Marty.

- Everybody, guys, you guys,

you gotta get out of here.

They're gone, they're gone.

- Everybody!

You know who everybody means?

You. 'Kay?

Anything else?

- Uh, I wouldn't look in your bathroom for a while.

And don't look in the pool.

The pool's kind of...

Don't look at the pool.

- [Voiceover] If you have to be at work in a few hours,

have your excuse ready.

- I'm totally bloated.

I'm just a monster.

- [Voiceover] Or better...

- I'm really, really sick.

- [Voiceover] Because this isn't even a lie.

- I think I ate bad shrimp.

- [Voiceover] And as for those boys and girls

who did struggle in,

cut them a little slack.

Don't talk too loud.

But most of all,

don't beat yourself up.

- [Voiceover] You had more fun in the last 10 hours

than most people do in a month.

- [Voiceover] Don't be ashamed.

- Eugene.

My butt hurts.

- No it doesn't.

Don't be such a baby.

- [Voiceover] Don't give up.

- [Voiceover] Try not to freak out.

- Peter.

Hey, Peter.

Peter.

- What?

- Hey, Greg just called.

He said something about finding Tony's pills in his car?

He wants to know if he still needs them.

- Why are you asking me?

- Well, because he's not here.

- Woo! A-huh!

You like that, eh?

Woo!

- Trust me. He's having the time of his life.

- So, hello.

Let's have a little look.

Oh, yes.

Oh. Redness and swelling.

Smoke this twice a day before meals.

And complete the full course of treatment.

- Are you a real doctor?

- Of course I'm a real doctor.

- He's a doctor.

- Thanks.

- Jesus christ, fucking loud as hell.

- [Voiceover] Just chill.

Phoenix-like, you'll rise again.

- Jesus christ, people are trying to sleep.

- [Voiceover] It's four o'clock, asshole.

- Dude, I scored with the hottest chick last night.

- The three-one ho, I know.

I was there.

- I just sent you some pictures.

- Dude, she's a freaking porno waiting to happen.

Did you tag her?

- Dude, it was insane.

We got it on like Donkey Kong.

- [Andy] Dude, is she asleep?

- Well, she wouldn't, you know, let me take any while...

She was hot, man.

I needed proof.

- I don't blame you, bro.

Nice one.

This is going right to the front of the spankadex.

- Dude.

She left her scrunchie.

Aw, you gotta smell this, bro.

Peaches.

- The sweet smell of success.

- Like a bouquet.

- Nice going, bro.

- Ugh. Never again.

- [Voiceover] Guide tip number six.

Never again, well, not for a few days anyway.

- Peter!

Bring your skinny ass up here.

Give me some loving.

Come home to mama, baby.

- Here I come, are you ready?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck that, man.

All I do all day is max and relax and smoke pot.

You ask me how much, dude?

Well, a whole lot.

Got so many fucking lines,

my horizon needs botox.

♫ Last night I banged a chick with a mohawk

♫ I beat it up, she was Rodney King,

♫ I was full Cox.

♫ I think I forgot to use a rubber, man,

♫ I hope not

♫ 'Cause I don't know what the fuck

♫ That punk rock ho got

♫ Tick tock, and you don't stop

♫ Unless you're a crazy motherfucker

♫ And you're rocking a broke watch

♫ But fuck that, cause I don't need no clock

♫ To tell me, Jonny

♫ That it's time to do the robot ♫

- That feels hard, right?

(intense music)

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Party

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be free

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Say anything

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be anyone

♫ Get naked

♫ Shake it

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Party

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be free

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Say anything

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be anyone

♫ Get naked

♫ Shake it

♫ Shake it

♫ Shake it

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Party

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be free

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Say anything

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be anyone

♫ Get naked

♫ Shake it

♫ Shake it

♫ Shake it

♫ Shake it

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Party

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be free

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Say anything

♫ Fight for your right to

♫ Be anyone

♫ Get naked

♫ Shake it ♫