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Mic check.

Background chatter.

THE GREAT INDIAN FAMILY

Okay. Ready.

Jai Kanhaiya Lal.

This is Balrampur - the king of Indian small towns...

And I am the king of Balrampur.

If they ever make a movie on my life... this will be its first shot.

Like in movies, in life too a back story is important.

And my back story begins with Newton uncle.

Uncle was asleep. An apple fell. Woke him up.

Uncle it's an apple! Wipe it and take a bite maybe? But no!

You woke up and made sure no kid anywhere could ever sleep again.

Eat Gravity, Sleep Gravity... I hate gravity!

He who knows it all - the scholar.

He who knows nothing - the Idiot.

And he who knows nothing... but knows how act like the know-it-all -

the Smarty Pants.

Aka Vedvyas Tripathi. Aka Billu. Aka... yours truly!

I too was sitting under a tree that day.

My life's theory was about to whack me in the head,

but I didn't know that yet...

because I was busy playing snakes and ladders.

It was my favourite game.

Can I play with you?

I couldn't believe my luck!

At 7:55, every morning

we caught a glimpse of Roll no. 23 - Ms. Aishwarya Malpani!

I may not know why that apple fell from the tree

but since the dawn of time, boys in rickshaws,

have fallen for girls in big cars.

My favourite game - had finally brought me sweet luck.

Look! We're together... in the same square.

I love snakes and ladders.

- It's my birthday today. - Happy...

Not here. Come home?

My dad's throwing a birthday party.

My dad's a businessman.

What does your dad do?

I just couldn't tell her that my father performed religious rituals for a living.

Praise to be Lord Shiva!

Praise to be Lord Ganesha!

Pandit Siyaram Tripathi.

The most respected of ancestral Hindu priests in Balrampur.

Be it a birth, wedding or a death, priests like him

were always in demand... and in command!

The man who was most jealous of him was Pandit Jagannath Mishra.

Pandit Jagannath Mishra aka a two faced charlatan.

To him religion was merely a business.

Dad was like a righteous sage...

and Mishra, his arch enemy - a charlatan.

And while they pretended to be friends...

a war between them was going to be inevitable.

The true saga of my fate was playing out over here.

This is Prabhu-Leela mansion.

It was once the name of my grandparents... now it's our address.

My grandparents, housed in these photos,

like most Indian ancestors are used to wilted flowers.

So this fresh flower garland must make them wonder -

what's the occasion bro?

I too had the same question.

Gunja?

Gunja Tripathi. My twin sister.

You know the tiniest snake on the snakes and ladders board? That's her.

Aunty! Billu's here.

Welcome home my child. Welcome!

Aunt's name was Sushila Kumari, but the town knew her as Agony Aunty.

You could go from being the apple of her eyes

to the agony of being the thorn in her side, in under 2 seconds!

You better set that right!

What's keeping you?!

Aunty, why do you never let me get ready!?

Hema Aunty!

Named after the belle of Bollywood - Hema Malini.

She was convinced she was as pretty.

Hema! Now!!!

Coming...

What's the ceremony for?

Didn't he tell you?

Who?

Uncle aka Balakram Tripathi.

He too thought he was hero in his own right.

As usual, his sweet tooth has made him forget the main program.

How come there's always a fly on your sweets Ramswaroop?

It all adds to the flavour, sir!

- You devil, you... - Should I pack a kilo each?

Nope. 3 kilos each. It's Billu's big day today!

Maybe even these flies have a sixth sense...

and knew what misfortune awaited me.

- Thread ceremony... - Your initiation.

Welcome to the 1st standard of becoming a priest!

It's a thick mop. It'll take some doing.

- What is this?! - You'll have to be tonsured no?

But I've to go to Aishwarya's birthday party.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AISHWARYA

Billu stop running?!

Get back here or I'll slap you silly!

I don't want to!

Where you off to kiddo?

Dad, can't I be initiated without a tonsure?

The other day Signor Mishra's son Tulsidas tried this same jibber-jabber.

One tight slap from Mishra and hair was gone in five minutes!

This isn't the Mishra household.

We're civilized.

If the child has questions we must answer them.

Right.

Democracy!

Dad's weapon of choice to settle all disputes. Democracy.

- Shall we begin? - Yes.

Now the whole family will vote on my ceremony.

Their decision will be final.

The motion brought before Home Parliament today

is if Billu should get tonsured or not?

The results are...

in favour of tonsuring... 1...

2...

3...

4...

5 a total of 6.

May you live long little one,

May you bring us fortune little son

This heart is abound with joy,

You're our moon, you're the sun

May you live long little one,

That's when I realized -

Life was playing a game of snakes and ladders with me.

I was the peg searching for ladders

and my family - the snakes pulling me down.

Put this on. Brother's already there.

He's said you will perform the rituals with us.

You're a priest now... let the rites begin!

I wasn't going to Aishwarya's party wearing this cap.

I figured I might as well don the loin cloth and go to this ritual ceremony.

Temple flags, flying high

A joy is in the air

Jai-Mata-Di!

Let's go see the lord,

Have no fear or no scare!

Brother says, the lord needs to see your heart not your clothes!

Take off your kurta.

Today, on Aishwarya's birthday...

...we offer this ceremony as wishes.

How would I know Aishwarya's father was so religious

that he's planned a prayer ceremony on his daughter's birthday party?!

Who does that man!

I was so embarrassed!

If you have the lord in your heart.

His devotional hymns have the power to make any dream come true.

It became clear to me that only God could help me.

Join me in this song to praise the Lord.

He had to rid me of my woes!

My heart was heavy... my mind raced

and suddenly a voice rose from deep within me.

Hear me O Creator

O father in the sky

Lost at sea, I am

the waves are rising high

You're my salvation, Lord,

If you be my rudder

if you hold my hand

I could find my way to your land

I could find my way to your land

I stand at your door,

Fill my empty cup with your grace

Hear me as I implore,

Turn my dark nights Into shiny days

A mesh of flaws I am, since the day I was born

Turn my faults into virtues that I can adorn

My soul is stuck in throes

Come rid me of my woes

I call out to you... Om, Om, Om, Om

I call out to you... Om, Om, Om, Om

Where are you... Om, Om, Om, Om.

Where are you... Om, Om, Om, Om.

I call out to you... Om, Om, Om, Om

When I opened my eyes I was hoping my life

and my serpent-like family would've changed.

I guess God has a twisted sense of humour.

Your child is a blessing Mr. Tripathi, a blessing!

Aishwarya, touch his feet and take his blessings!

Hey Lord!

So now you know my back story.

Sing my child... sing.

Since that day I've been singing ever since.

I now have God on speed-dial.

Jai Kanhaiya Lal.

From the ashes of Billu's broken dreams, "Bhajan Kumar" was born.

Greetings to one and all.

Bless us granny.

Please keep these kids away from the loudspeakers.

Are you ready... 3 Go!

Make us wait no more

Bhajan Kumar knocks at your door

Make us wait no more

Bhajan Kumar knocks at your door

Deliver us from all misgiving

Grant us high thinking

Bless us with simple living

Your followers all,

pray and bow

They're tweeting "where art thou"

So Come on... Come at last!

O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter

Don't let your devotees get bitter

O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter

Don't let your devotees get bitter

Ease our doubts

and our spirit

This raging mind is aflutter

Praise the Lord!

O Krishna,

O Krishna,

O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter

Don't let your devotees get bitter

THE PRIDE OF BALRAMPUR BHAJAN KUMAR

I had all the fame and respect I ever prayed for.

My family was still snake-like, but I had become their ladder!

On your feet... Raise your hands.

And sing with me!

The end of times are near... we're busy bowing to our phone

Instead of you praying to your image... we're busy clicking our own

I say this phone is the real enemy. Throw it away!

The end of times are near... we're busy bowing to our phone

Instead of you praying to your image... we're busy clicking our own

Save us from this world of click bait!

In a digital form,

Why don't you reincarnate?

Redeem us from this disgrace

We seek your sermon

We yearn to see your face

So, come on... Come and Login again

O Krishna,

O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter

Don't let us devotees get bitter

O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter

Don't let us devotees get bitter

Hear this chorus, hear thy name

Can you hear my heart's guitar?

My eyes thirst for a glimpse

Come back - wherever you are!

Loud and clear!

I beseech you, my saviour, come

To save our souls, come

It's getting dark and lonely,

To awaken us, come

To light up our homes, come

to drink from our cups, come

This life is incomplete,

To answer our prayers... come

Come on your chariot,

Come with Radha

Bring a friend or two,

We're leaving the door ajar

Bring Hanuman,

Bring Shankar

Bring Lord Rama too

Come without any further ado!

So come on... come on

Come on... Come to us now

O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter

Don't let us devotees get bitter

O Krishna, you gotta join Twitter

Don't let us devotees get bitter

My band and I thank the prayer committee for inviting us to this holy gathering.

I hope you all enjoyed this devotional song.

My name is Bhajan Kumar. Follow me on social media.

Brother... selfie.

- Thank you bro - You're very welcome.

Excuse me.

Bless us Signor Pandit!

Veneration.

While kids my age were busy living it up I was forced to bless those very kids!

I had become the de facto elder brother to the town!

Thankfully my world wasn't only hymns and blessings

I still had a place where I could shed the coat of religiosity,

and just breathe.

We could do all the tomfoolery our hearts desired!

Get him Pandit... he's a candle in the wind!

Dude, what the hell!

Cut it out. I'm in a bad mood.

What's wrong? You finally saw a mirror?

Tell me the truth Pandit.

Am I ugly?

No baby, you look like a young Ranbir Kapoor!

Never stab a broken heart Bengali, it can prick you back!

Dude, what's wrong?

I feel like drinking this rat poison and laying my life down at her door.

Dude, rat poison's not gonna kill you... try sulfuric acid?

I'll murder you before I kill myself!

Ehi, stop it! Bengali, that's enough.

Whose door do you want to die at? What's the matter?

That's a friend that cares.

There's this girl... she lives in Arya Nagar.

Some guy picks her up and drops her everyday.

You guys need to do something about it or I'll see you at my funeral!

Dude?! Stop staring... she's going to be your sister-in-law.

- Look, there he is... - Ya, I've got eyes.

Cops! Straight ahead.

- Stop right here. - Ehi! Wait!?

Grab the holy cloth.

Get in. Take the sweets.

Stop! Stop!

Hail Lord Rama!

The holy cloth and sweets were a master stroke!

He lives the "other" side!

The "other" side was Lakshman Bagh.

An area with a Hindu name

but full of Alis and Mohammeds - a Muslim locality!

I was a little scared

but one look at Sarwesh's long face,

and the fizz of friendship went to my head.

Sarwesh maybe an idiot, but he was our idiot

and we wasn't losing to some lad from the "other" side.

Where to?

How do we cross the "other" Side?

Surgical Strike!

Ehi... watch out!

Hurry up.

Watch where you're going!

Watch out. Go, go, go!

There he is.

- Follow me - Where to?

Let it go man.

This looks like no man's land... let's teach him a lesson.

Pandit... no. Let it go.

- Excuse me sir? - Ya?

- I think you dropped this. - What?

Look.

Who are you?

- What's your name? - Abdul!

Abdul! You love riding around with girls, don't you?

Do you know who we are?

- No - We know what you're up to.

- What? - Stop saying what!

We know who you're eyeing these days

his helmet isn't going to save you from us.

Ya, but who exactly are you?

- We? - We are...

We are the anti-Romeo squad

Anti Romeo?

- Squad! Ya, squad! - Damn right a squad!

Ya, but what do you want?

- We... we? - Er... we want your...

- Social security ID. - What?! Why?

Show me your ID. I'll tell you.

Ya... ya, give it.

Ok... then let me go.

It's in my bike. I need to get it.

Ok, go and get it.

Why did you ask for his ID?

ID is everything bro!

If we confiscate it, he'll have to do as we say.

It's just an ID dodo,

not some magic lamp that you'll start treating him like a genie!

Ehi! Wait... Ehi!

He's gone.

- We scared him off. - Damn right.

You're a hero my brother.

- The Hero needs more than just words... - what does he need?

- Ya, what? - He needs some offerings.

What do you want?

Get me some tea.

One more thing... Next time... ask for the driver's license.

That was fun.

Signor Abdul, looks like you did drop something?

A rattle?!

Heh, that's what I made him do... rattle and hum!

You'll never forget me.

The villain perished... and the hero prevailed.

Excuse me.

Are you from the Anti-Romeo squad?

Er... ya... is there a problem?

I have one now.

I was expecting a burly man with a thick moustache

but you're much nicer.

Just trying to be of service.

I know I don't look it, but I've only just finished college.

Is it just a one-man squad?

Oh, no, no... I've a few assistants.

But I am in charge.

Wow.

I don't quite know how to thank you.

- No thanks required - Shhh...

I know just the way.

Take this you Anti-Romeo idiot!

Ma'am...!

You think you can get away with anything?

But I didn't do anything!

You didn't do anything?

Ma'am I'm from a decent family. I swear!

Is this what they taught you?

Please hear me out. Ma'am!

You brainless nincompoop... bloody parasite!

Pandit's getting beaten up. Let's go.

I'm occupied. You go ahead.

What's the matter sister? You can tell me.

- Is he also with you? - Yes, he is.

- No, I am not. - Get in here!

You jobless idiots.

Can't bear to let anyone else do their work!

Stupid. Fool.

Don't you dare move!

Have tea sister... My eyes, my eyes!!!

Aren't you ashamed of yourselves?

To err is to be human, no sister?

Abdul is the best rattle player in the entire state

and now because of you guys, he's shut his phone and gone missing.

I should post your video on social media.

- No, no, no! Please no. - But who told you about us sister?

Abdul called me right before he switched his phone off.

- What if we... - Shhh...

Hello? Yes aunty?

I'll be there soon. There's no issue

just some monkeys on the road. I had to set them straight. Yes.

Sister, we'll make good your loss.

All 3 of us will fill in for Abdul. Your wish is our command.

GOLDY WEDS GURPAL

That was some strong pepper... you grow it yourself?

What do we have to do?

You two... on my cue, get up on stage.

Ok.

Start playing the rattle... chika-chik-chik chika-chik.

You wear what I say, you do as I say.

The show's in 30 minutes.

Show?!

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls.

Every era has its love story.

Laila Majnu, Shirin farhad, Mirza Sahiba

and today we have the Goldie and Gurpal.

Their love story goes from Balrampur to Buckingham.

To tell their tale, I invite a performer par excellence -

The talented Ms. Jasmeet from Jalandhar!

Clap!

A happy union, we wish you on this blessed night

As this beautiful bride weds her groom tonight

Trumpets blow with joy, drums bang in delight

Their dreams and destinies are about to take flight

You swerved into me like a kite

Painted my heart with colours bright

Despite the many tantrums you throw,

My eyes stare at you, move in slo-mo

Juliet o Juliet... I sing to you...

My Juliet... O Juliet all I do is pray for you

Let's sing a duet I'm your Romeo...

You're my Juliet My Juliet... My Juliet

Juliet o Juliet... I sing to you...

My Juliet... O Juliet All I do is pray for you

Let's sing a duet I'm your Romeo...

You're my Juliet My Juliet... My Juliet

Tell me, what do you do?

All I do is, love you

Looks like you're cuckoo...

So very true

Pick another girl?

There's none like you

You gonna get beat up

Babe, you gotta do you!

We gotta be together

What makes you say?

I wanna marry you

To my sandals you may!

You belong to me

In your dreams maybe

Anyone but you, I vow

But that's only for now

You leave me counting stars in the day

Like a dream, on my nights you prey

Despite the many tantrums you throw,

My eyes stare at you, move in slo-mo

Stop trying your luck

You ain't that lovestruck

Romeo o Romeo, don't you fret

I ain't your juliet

I ain't no Juliet

Not your Juliet

Juliet o Juliet... I sing to you...

My Juliet... O Juliet All I do is pray for you

Let's sing a duet I'm your Romeo...

You're my Juliet My Juliet... My Juliet

A happy union, we wish you on this blessed night

As this beautiful bride weds her groom tonight

Trumpets blow with joy, drums bang in delight

Their dreams and destinies are about to take flight

What a show! Brilliant.

This money in your pocket doesn't belong to you.

We didn't do this for money.

I always meant to return the money to you.

Don't be stupid.

Your wish is our command.

Don't you dare flirt with me.

It doesn't suit you.

I still haven't forgiven you. You guys aren't done yet.

Just tell us what to do.

Tell us what to do?

Is this the one?

Yes, this is.

Sorry.

Dude, I've heard these muslims... they hunt in packs.

Man, I can't do this... Uh - Allah hu Akbar!

Allah hu Akbar.

Abdul, we made a mistake, please forgive us.

Sister Jasmeet sent us. And here is your payment.

Forgive us my friend! Both Allah and Akbar are forgiving!

Please.

Who is it?

It's... the guys who...

We... we're Abdul's friends.

Yes, his friends! Ya.

So friends, it's quite late. See you tomorrow.

Who is it my child?

They're Abdul's buddies, Ma.

So why're they at the door?

Ma, they were just leaving.

You can't leave without a cup of tea son.

Oh no, we can't.

You can't leave our home on an empty stomach.

Come on in. Come my child.

So do you guys work with Abdul?

Oh no... we are.

You're Pandit Tripathi's son no?

- You know him? - Er... no.

His dad inaugurates Lord Rama's play at Dussehra. I saw you there.

You guys watch plays about Hindu Gods?

Watch?! My Pintu even acts in it.

He plays the sleeping demon Kumbhkaran. Kinda perfect for him.

Command me O King... who shall I slay in your honour!

Goosebumps!

And then the scene with Lord Rama's brother -

Pintu, that's enough. They know Lord Rama's story.

You like acting in Rama's play?

- But he won't get to do it this year. - Why?!

Pandit Mishra and his son TD are in-charge of casting now.

and they fired Pintu.

- So how did you guys meet? - Err... Actually we... uh.

Stop grilling them, Ma.

I'm just curious. I've never seen them before.

Like that Jasmeet... I've seen her around.

Oh! Jasmeet comes here often?

She did mention it.

This is like a home to her. She's like a sister to them.

That's great!

These dimwits haven't once so much as bought her a decent gift.

No, Abdul bro! That's awful of you. You must buy her something.

For a moment it seemed like we truly were old friends.

Amid all that joking and teasing,

we'd forgotten that only a few hours back.

we were holy warriors of the Anti-Abdul squad.

I got the rattle and the money. Don't share that video please.

Thanks man!

They're not all that bad. Ok. Bye.

See you soon Abdul.

By the way, if you ever go to a Muslim home again...

Don't say Allah hu Akbar for Hello. It's not a greeting.

I knew it! But this Pandit was acting like a know-it-all.

So what's the right thing to say?

- Salam Alaikum. - Alekum. Aley-kum...

It was on the tip of my tongue man, just wouldn't roll off.

What does it mean?

It's a wish for harmony. It means peace be upon you.

Or like they say in Balrampur - Peace out bro!

What Abdul said made sense.

We all were at peace now...

Sarweshwar had Abdul's friendship.

Bhatta had made a new cultural discovery...

and I.

I was at peace just to know Jasmeet.

So lost was I in her... that I barely noticed night turn into day.

Good morn... uh... Hello.

- Hi... - Hi...

This is not a date. Don't get any ideas.

Oh no. I'm not one of those guys...

Coz you're a wuss?

What?

A wuss? Women scare you, no?

I don't know if this is a date or not

and you may be this bold and beautiful woman,

but you have no business grilling me like this.

I'm not some nincompoop begging for a job.

I was just...

I am Bhajan Kumar. I sing really well.

If I ever showed up for Talent Show or something, I'd be selected in a minute.

But I respect my dad too much to try out.

You sing well too... I was just happy to meet another artist,

but not at the cost of my dignity!

You're really sensitive dude!

Look, like every proud Punjabi, I have no filters.

We speak from the heart...

and find it very difficult to say sorry.

So consider this coffee an apology?

I respect my parents and women a lot.

If someone else had spoken to me like that...

What would you do?

I'd have put a curse on you... for all eternity.

This date is nothing less than a curse.

My feet were on a scooter...

but my head was in the clouds just like Shah Rukh Khan.

Have they lost their bloody minds!

- You finally found time for home? - What's going on?

I won't eat or drink, till this issue is settled.

It's time to fight for your family's honour kiddo.

If you're done gallivanting... do join us.

- Let's go! - Yes. Yes. Let's go.

Is it a volcano or a tsunami?

Early tremors of a big earthquake...

Where's the epicenter?

- Jaiprakash Malpani? - Man... not again!

Signor Malpani's daughter Aishwarya was getting married.

Dad had advised on an auspicious date and time for the wedding.

But the groom's side had challenged Dad's panditry

at the behest of Pandit Mishra.

The result was simple - a clash of the Pandits.

Dad and Mishra were the gladiators...

- Pandit Mishra. - Pandit Tripathi.

I hear you want the wedding date changed.

Saturn has changed its position...

we must bind the young couple in matrimony at an earlier date.

Unless you have a problem with it.

I don't...

but the malevolent planet.

That's moving into the house of matrimony, will surely do.

- Maybe you missed it? - I didn't.

I've asked the bride to wear a 7 carat gem to ward off the evil.

Problem solved!

What about the effect of Mars?

For that... I've prescribed

donating 4 cows to the needy

and a weekly fast for the bride for the next 4 months.

- What about the lunar obstruction? - Fasts on Monday.

A pearl-ring, A pyre ceremony... feasts for 111 priests!

Done.

All of this just so the newly weds can enjoy their honeymoon

in Switzerland, right?

Of course, why else!

It was something else indeed.

It was common knowledge that,

every year Pandit Tripathi took a 2-week pilgrimage, on the 23rd of June.

If the wedding happened before 7th July...

He would have to signorina it.

Which would make Mishra the senior priest...

and make Mishra and son, in charge of the contract for the wedding rites.

Mishra and TD seemed like Demons to us.

Aishwarya and her beau were busy dreaming of Switzerland.

Dad was left with two choices: he could cancel his trip...

or admit that Mishra had trumped him.

We couldn't help but accept that dad would lose this battle.

Aishwarya, when you get to Switzerland,

you must observe a fast on Mondays and Tuesdays without a drop of water.

Every evening, after prayers, you must change into a sari

and eat only pure vegetarian food at an Indian restaurant.

Amit, to appease the ancestral deities,

every morning you need to offer water to the sun, at the stroke of dawn.

Preferably at one of the many lakes in Switzerland.

Signor Mishra, the cows will have to be donated in Switzerland too...

because from the 9th of July, Jupiter turns unfavourable.

- Signor Malpani? - Yes sir.

Since you keep traveling there,

please arrange for 4 Swiss cows for the kids to donate.

The couple suddenly saw their honeymoon turn into a pilgrimage!

At this age,

my soul can't rest without my annual pilgrimage.

Advance the wedding and implement all these solutions.

If that's what makes you happy...

this ordinary priest won't get in the way.

- Uh... - We'll talk to him son.

I take your leave. Ved, let's go

- Pandit Tripathi... please. - Signor Pandit... Sir...

maybe we're being too hasty with the wedding.

Let's stick to our earlier plan.

You finish your pilgrimage.

My daughter will wed when you return.

You don't need to so formal.

Signor Mishra please tell them it's ok.

You're my senior Signor Tripathi.

You can do no wrong.

This wedding can't happen without you.

Ok then.

Let's organise an evening of devotional songs next fortnight.

I won't be here,

but Vedvyas and Balakram will more than make up for my absence.

Dad was our hero!

In one fell swoop he had established his seniority

and that he was in-charge of the Malpani wedding.

Mishra and TD were left licking their wounds

and the sour grapes they'd been handed...

While the victorious Tripathis strutted out of the Colosseum!

We were all in awe of dad that day.

He was strict, but awesome.

If this family was a car, he was indeed our engine.

My phone will be off till I come back.

Ok brother.

Please refrain from sending those annoying 'good morning' texts.

- He means you. - Shut up. I never send those.

- Balakram. - Yes.

Make sure nothing goes wrong while I'm away.

Have I ever let you down in all these years?

Ya, but the Malpani wedding is close...

and Mishra will definitely try something.

Mishra can't do jack brother.

- Rest assured. I'm here. - How's this? Looks good no?

The color suits you aunty!

Unless you're planning to buy a ticket... please go!

He means you... Let's go. Take care brother.

Who's luggage is this? Come this way.

Ya, ya. Calm down.

- Billu, his bag is still up there. - Lemme go and put it near him.

I felt like hugging him tight...

but we were both a little shy.

Bye dad. Take care of yourself.

- Hello. - Hello... please sit.

What rites do you need done?

I just finished my rites.

Then?

I wanted to meet Pandit Tripathi, but I heard he's away?

Ya, he just left, but you can tell us.

If it's an evening of devotional songs... or prayers we can handle it.

No. I need to hand something over to you.

My father passed away this morning.

He used to live in this town many years ago.

For the last few months, he made me post many letters to this address.

I don't know if you guys got any of them?

People usually just text nowadays... I haven't seen a letter for ages.

What was the letter about?

He never told me.

But he wanted me to give you this.

Thank you.

- I'll take your leave. - Ok. Thank you.

Would you like some tea?

He must've written at least ten letters.

Just make sure Pandit Tripathi gets this letter.

Of course. Ok. Rest assured.

Greeting.

Read it with some flair... I want to enjoy this snack.

- Greetings, Signor Tripathi... - Greetings to you too.

'I've been writing to you for a while now, but I haven't received a reply.

'If you're reading this, I'm probably not alive anymore.

'For years now I've been troubled by a secret.

'It's important that I confess to you.'

- The spice is just right. - It's good no?

'Pandit Tripathi the child born to you on the 7th of December is not your own.'

Hmm?

Ok. Keep reading.

'I was a ward boy at MG hospital

'in-charge of birth and death certificates.

'That night a child's birth certificate was made twice...

'I was paid extra money to alter this child's birth certificate.

'I'd sworn that I will never tell anyone about this.

'But now my end is near and I want at least you, to know this.

'The man who got the certificate changed,

'made me put your name down as the father.

'I couldn't see his face

'because there was no electricity in the hospital that night

'and he'd covered it with a shawl.

'I was in need of money and transferred to Jaunpur within a few months.

'Signor Tripathi, the child you brought home on 7th December...

is a Muslim.'

'The certificate was nameless, but I know the child 'parents were Muslims.

'I don't remember their names,

'but I know this because I made their death certificates that same night.

'I hope this secret stays between us.

'May god bless you with peace and prosperity...

'and I hope that the boy you've raised as your own brings you happiness.

'I ask for your forgiveness, Jeevan Prasad.'

You see him?

No.

- No one's here. - He's gone.

Ehi, why the long face?

We don't know that guy. What if it's just a prank?

Maybe someone's messing with us?

It's a joke Balak. I mean who writes a letter like that?

- And just... it's nothing. - Yup. It's poppycock.

Uncle, for a minute there I thought he meant me.

If it was you, we would've believed it.

Is that so? Then tell me where did you find me?

- I'll tell you! - I knew I as an outsider!

Ehi Bhatta?

Ehi Pandit... Look what Abdul's mom sent?

I just mentioned it once... and she actually made it for me!

You and Abdul are quite thick now, eh?

Sir is learning music from Abdul.

Dude, wants to join Jasmeet's band.

I come from a long line of artists dude.

Didn't you call her 'sister' the other day?

Dude, I was scared... I just blurted it out.

But you know I like her.

Why don't you ask her... who she really likes?

He's a Brahmin, she's a sikh... they can't get together.

Who teaches you this rubbish?

Muslims must eat meat... Brahmins can't marry Sikhs.

Are we the next-gen of India or you wanna continue being cavemen?

You know you're right.

Hold on... are you going to marry Jasmeet?

- If she wants to, then ya. Sure. - And your dad will let you?

I'm the one who decides that.

Don't mess with me Pandit. I had dibs on her!

What's wrong with you?

You knew I liked her.

You fall for a new girl every other month.

You remember Alka? Didn't he roam lovelorn for her too?

- So, you've already made your move? - What move?

I can tell... I can sense you're up to something.

You've lost your mind...

You've said 'I love you' to her!

- What do you care? - You're crossing the line!

When are you going to get

that every girl in Balrampur isn't just waiting for you to fall for her...

and grace her life with your love.

Who she likes is her choice!

So you're Jasmeet's choice? And not me?

I don't know about that. I am in love with her. That's it.

I was waiting for the right moment to share this with my best friends...

but he's turned it all to shit!

Pandit... you cheater!

How dare you touch me?!

I won't spare you.

Careful... Aunt's dessert!

What's wrong with you idiots?!

You've ruined the dessert.

I got that for you! I hope you choke on it,

Ehi... Sarwesh!

Pandit... hand me a clean spoon.

Maybe I can save some of this...

Dude, do I look like a Muslim to you?

- Are you high or something? - I'm not kidding.

What if I tell you I was born a Muslim.

What would you say?

What are you saying man?

Allah hu Akbar...

Allah hu Akbar...

Allah hu Akbar...

Uncle?

You're up?

Were you muttering Allah hu Akbar?

Just trying my luck...

I figured if you said it back, the letter must be true!

Uncle, Allah hu Akbar is not a greeting.

What then?

Aslaam alekum. And then I'd reply walekum-as-salaam.

You always knew this... or it came back to you last night?

First you wake me up... and now you're pulling my leg.

Breakfast is ready. Pure vegetarian!

Stop it, uncle!

Bengali, you didn't stand by me yesterday.

Have you lost your mind?

I may not be a hero like Pandit... but I'm no villain.

But there's only one heroine - Jasmeet.

And as far as I can guess... she likes Pandit.

Stop it man! My ears can't take it... he's betrayed me!

If you knew what a sick joke fate has played on Pandit...

you'd know that what betrayal truly means.

What happened?

What you looking at?

You don't look like them bro...

Bro... Brother... wait up.

- Is this a joke? - We're very sorry brother.

I started this committee for Lord Hanuman.

You're insulting me by getting the likes of him to cut the ribbon.

No, no... it's not like that.

I could whack your face out of shape right now.

Brother you mean the world to us... slap us if you want.

What brings you here Bhajan Kumar?

I was the guest of honour TD... but you swooped in.

Who can refuse the calls of ones devotees?

This isn't everyone's cup of tea.

Are you drunk TD?

You been asking the questions since you got here...

Shall I ask you one?

What do you prefer Hail Lord Rama or Allah hu Akbar?

Brother please...

Don't forget where you are.

You're in my hood.

I call the shots here.

Put that tail between your legs and scamper.

Brother please... Please let's go from here.

Don't bother. Please come. Please!

- Tulsidas Mishra! - Live long...

Why can't this wait?

I've to wake up early in the morning.

Let Billu come back no?

We don't need him for everything.

Prince Bharat once ruled his kingdom with Rama's sandals on the throne...

I call this meeting with brother's sandals bearing witness.

What's the motion, uncle?

Billu can't sing at Signor Malpani's event.

Why?

Because Malpani has himself asked me.

To keep Billu away till we know his religion for sure.

- That's unfair. - Unfair?

You don't get it.

If the groom's side gets a whiff of this,

we could lose the contract for officiating this whole wedding!

- I wish our brother was here... - He isn't. I am.

And I'm doing what he would've done.

Malpani's contracts run our house...

not to mention others who come to us because of him.

We can't afford to make an enemy of him...

- But you can make an enemy of me? - No -

Coz I've just been made to feel like one by those outsiders...

and now my own family is thinking about it?!

Balak, can't we bring Billu back into our faith?

Bring me back aunty? When did I ever leave?

Billu, you're not in your senses.

Oh no uncle... I've only come to my senses now!

Dad advised Malpani to host this devotional evening...

if Malpani goes against dad's wishes,

he will have to face the wrath of my father.

And if we lose this contract, before brother comes back...

then I, and only I, will face his wrath.

He has trusted me with this.

Who will sing at this event, if not me?!

Tell me, who will?

Pride suits those who have a leg to stand on...

If I don't sing, this event will be a huge flop... wanna bet?!

What nonsense!

Ok, then go ahead.

- Billu, just sit down. - No, do as you please.

That's what we need to discuss... what to do -

There's no time for discussion anymore

we need a decision.

We do what brother would -

we vote on it.

- Uncle. - One minute.

What kind of decision?

Do we protect the honour of this family... or

Or humiliate Billu?!

Why're you getting so bitter?

The simple fact is...

if we remove you from the program,

maybe we can reason with Malpani

and keep the contract for the rest of the wedding.

Mishra is dying to swoop in on this...

So you want me to be the sacrificial lamb and the butcher?

It's a democracy Billu... stop being an anti-national!

Uncle was speaking Dad's language...

but that didn't mean he could turn into my father.

Democracy in our family was about voting for what dad liked,

so we could be in his good books.

But Dad wasn't here today

our family's democratic fabric.

The motion before Home Parliament was...

whether Brother Billu will sing at the devotional event.

The results are in...

5 votes against and 1, for.

Of course he voted for himself.

I voted for him, uncle.

I didn't vote to just be omitted from the event...

I think I should be left out of this family too.

- Don't say that bro. - Wait... what did you just say?

You heard me right.

- Are you threatening us? - No. I'm acting on it.

What're you going to do?

Found a new home or have you found your 'own' people?

This! I knew there's some darkness lurking in your heart!

Billu... Billu... Billu

Why don't you just admit that letter affected you the most!

- That's no way to talk to him... - We're your family Billu

A darkness... in my heart?

Balak.

A darkness... in my heart?

For twelve years I slept hugging you close to my heart.

I danced for you like a clown

just so that there was never a tear in your eyes.

So you were happy.

And you think there's a darkness in my heart?

Then how did it all change uncle?

Why are you treating me differently since yesterday?!

Till yesterday, I was your nephew... but now I'm some Muslim kid?

Even I'm so confused... I don't know how to think about this.

My faith is still what you've taught me uncle...

but just because Malpani has a problem, you want to throw me out?!

We haven't thrown you anywhere.

Why should I stay in this house when no one cares about me?!

Billu... listen - listen to me.

You know I'm right aunty.

I have been a big part of bringing honor and glory to this family.

People known me as Bhajan Kumar.

I don't care if Malpani doesn't want me...

I have many fans who still love me.

Till I don't see that same love in all of your hearts,

I won't set foot in this house.

Stop Billu... or I'll slap you silly. Come back -

Slap me aunty, slap me!

Gunja, Rampyaari, all of you should!

Ehi Shukla... Gopal - get the whole neighborhood to slap me,

But do it right now...

Coz I won't be here tomorrow. I am leaving.

Billu.

- What are you doing? - Hema!

Who's making such a ruckus at Pandit Tripathi's house?

- Why is Billu shouting? - Come, let's see.

Our boy has turned into a man... we must respect his decision.

Here's some money...

Balak.

If anyone else has a problem, they can join that thankless boy!

- Yes Pandit? - Where're the keys?

What do you need them for?

Can you stop asking me questions and just tell me?

Sarweshwar has them.

I am not asking him.

Man just call him -how long wi-

What you're doing is wrong.

Everything is fair in love and war.

This game is mine...

Not if it's upto me.

Dude what are you doing?!

- You hit it too hard - Set it up again...

Drat! Hey, isn't that Pandit?!

Pandit, don't you want to teach me math today?

Another reason why these guys were angry with me, was because once I...

How many was that?

25...

Oh no, no bro... that's just 1.

We live for a moment

1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6

Oh, oh... look at him twirl!

I wanted to tell him that I'm a Muslim not a Pandit

but he was in no mood to chat.

Don't let him go!

Get him. Stop!

Let's go, let's go.

Go, go, go!

There he is.

Reverse man!

Stop!

Damn you guys...

- We're leaving... We cool. - Off you go.

- Scoot... or I'll break your legs! - We're leaving.

- Off you go. - Don't let me see you here again.

Let's go.

I'm so glad we spotted you back there Pandit!

I... I... this morning... at Lord Hanuman's event

then at home.

They... they said I'm not their blood...

so I've become a stranger to them now.

Hey Abdul... Abdul wake up.

Uh... what is it?

Time for your namaaz, no?

- Not today. - How come?

I only go on Fridays.

Why only Fridays?

You also only go to the temple on Tuesday.

- Hey Pintu! - Ya.

Here. Give him some tea.

Let him sleep Ma. He's quite upset.

I felt really bad for him.

We couldn't even give him a proper bed to sleep on.

I'll figure something out. Lemme ask him how long he needs to stay.

No, no! Don't ask him.

He's already quite sad... let him stay as long as he wants to.

I wish my family saw how well they treated me...

You shouldn't have let him leave this way.

I should've slapped him silly...

- Where will he live? - Not like he cared to tell me.

You're the one he fought with Balak.

I only did what Brother would've done.

It's a text from Billu... on the family group.

Tell me him to come right home!

- He's not coming. - Why? What?

He's asked us to come.

- Don't move your hand. - It's already straight.

Where is he?

God knows if he ate... or even slept?

Of all the places, he had to call us here.

- Aunty! - Hello... Hello.

He must have his reasons.

Please try and say something other than I'll slap you silly!

Gunja.

I'm just saying hear him out... patiently.

Aunty.

- Namaste. - Salaam Alekum.

Looks like you've even dyed your soul green...

My soul only ever sang the lord's tune.

Just because I'm wearing green, you've begun seeing red?

You want to fight or make peace?

I want to tell you... that this is who I am now on.

Then why'd you call us all the way here?

I couldn't come there after you threw me out.

Mishra is circling the contract like a vulture.

Everyone knows what Mishra is like.

But I was your own... or has that changed too?

We are Hindu priests.

It's our identity and our dignity.

I can't put them both at risk.

So now I'm a risk to you, because I've suddenly become a Muslim?

Abdul, bro, did you know I'm a risk? A danger!

- This is not about you Billu... - It is only about me Gunja.

This is all I want to say to you.

You don't care who I was till yesterday.

About my devotional songs

my love for Lord Rama's idols... for Lord Hanuman. Why?

Because you think I'm different now.

You may think being born an 'Muslim' is my flaw...but I won't do it.

It's like I've just woken up.

Why should I fear?

And I swear on you all... I'm going to become so Muslim...

the whole world will admire what a Muslim, Vedvyas turned into!

Maybe I'll have to change my name... I'll add a Hussain or a...

- Rizvi? - Ya, Rizvi... After all.

The second name matters here.

I'll get a new one... but this is it!

I'm done. Walekum Assalam... and Khuda Haafiz. Let's go.

- My child. - Brother Billu!

Let's go from here now.

What're you thinking about?

What will I tell Brother?

What's the matter?

I'm feeling restless.

My mind's anxious...

This is why we come here... to calm the mind. To control it.

True.

Bro, you have to teach me.

- What? - How to be an 'Muslim'.

So I'll just watch you and copy you.

I'm not much for theory... I am better at practical's!

What are you studying?

Food, dress and language.

These are the main differences between Hindus and Muslims.

My clothes are on point. I'm already learning the language.

Now show me how you guys eat!

- Dude, what are you doing? - What's the matter?

- You're eating like a Hindu. - Ya, so?

- Stop trying to fool me. - I don't have to try.

Just eat. We've ordered vegetarian for you.

That's what I mean! He's eating with his left hand!

Coz he's left-handed!

It has nothing to do with being a muslim.

May god help you find your way my child.

I said a silent prayer to Newton uncle and started my experiment.

Becoming a Muslim was easy

but I had no clue what comes after!

The sweets here will knock your socks off.

Is it?!

- We should bring Pintu here. - Totally.

A 2 kilo of your milk cakes.

A kilo?!

I don't need charity. I can pay for my own food.

Peace be on you.

Namaste.

Why're you in such a hurry to speak and sound like a muslim?

I just got thrown off by my uncle.

- You barely got it right. - Why?

It's peace be upon you... not 'on' you.

And you stop being so nice to my uncle or he'll turn you into a Tripathi.

Can we eat the milk cakes now?

Hi.

What's up?

Dad would've read my horoscope.

He would've known these things will happen to me.

Have faith in yourself.

We make our own destiny. That's what my dad says.

These dads are all like Newton uncle.

They make all these wonderful rules -

Never lie. Be honest. The truth always prevails. etc.

But the moment you act on them, life screws you over.

You need to relax.

To tell you the truth... I can't believe...

I... I'm not able to digest the fact that I am Muslim.

I always thought of them as the 'other'...

but like a twisted game of snakes and ladders,

fate has made me this other.

And now I'm so confused that I'm relying on other people

to tell me how I should feel about this!

The ones I thought were my family...

they don't even want to see my face.

And the ones I was dead against,

are making sure I don't sleep on an empty stomach.

I... I'm so ashamed of myself.

I don't know what to say... or do... or think!

Sometimes it helps to feel, rather than think.

How did that feel to you?

Meaning?

Did it feel like a Hindu kiss or a Musl-

Felt like an Indian kiss. Only Indians can kiss that awkwardly!

I'll learn with practice.

TAJ MAHAL STUDIO

No worries Mr. Mishra.

Just tell me what do you want Pandit clad in?

Headgear. So he doesn't look like a Hindu.

Sure. This is a little rustic... and this one -

Dude... This isn't a do-over.

I need him looking like a Muslim!

That... the Muslim skull cap.

Oh! Good job!

PANDIT SON OR...

Sent... Forward... All..

Hey look... there she goes... "his" sister.

What'd you say?

I dare you to say it again... how can she say that?!

- Get lost. go. - I'll wreck your face!

Balakram, just because we've gotten the contract for this wedding

doesn't mean we can't leave you a rite or two to perform.

My devotional songs never went viral like this.

Lies are just so much more fun to share.

That's enough.

They must've lost the wedding contract. No?

After all this no one will ever give Dad any work again.

Shravan Kumar moved heaven and earth to make his parents happy...

and then there's me! In one move I've alienated my family...

...and destroyed their honor...

and their future. What a dutiful son I am!

Stop talking like that Billu!

I still can't understand... who's wrong here?

Is it me? Is it Uncle? Or is just my fate?

It's gotta be someone because...

I've never felt more wrong!

They're using me as a sword to cut my own family down.

I can't let that happen.

But who's gonna listen to you right now Pandit?

The time isn't right.

No.

The only thing that can save them from humiliation is if,

like everyone else... they too disown me.

They need to be baying for my blood.

It's best for them if they break all ties with me.

And for that... I have to die.

- What? - What're you saying?

Pandit Siyaram Tripathi's son is a muslim a rumor today,

tomorrow it will become a reality.

His name, his destiny and his religion will all change.

People only suspect it right now...

but come tomorrow I'll convert to Islam and become a Muslim.

This is not right my child. Just think about it.

What you are about to do is absolutely wrong.

And we can't support you in this.

Listen to me.

I know Pandit Tripathi for decades now.

How can I convert his son to Islam?

He's the one who wants it Papa.

If you were to do such a thing... wouldn't he call me?

- Your holiness - Yes?

Bhajan Kumar is headed this way.

BALRAMPUR

PANDIT SON OR...

Father.

May God bless you.

Where you off to kiddo?

Pandit Tripathi.

Greeting.

Why did you bother coming all this way?

The pauper always has to Signor Malpani.

why would the Prince leave his palace?

Don't embarrass me.

It's my family that has been embarrassed.

I know who's doing it.

Greetings, Pandit Tripathi.

When did you return?

How're you Balak?

We truly missed you sir...

So, my son is Muslim?

Apparently he roams around wearing a skull cap. You knew about this?

I... er... read it on... what's that?

- Social Media. - On social media...

Any idea who started this rumour?

Uncle...

actually, we've been really busy with our own work. Isn't it dad?

True.

We barely noticed this news.

I don't care that about these allegations on my family...

what saddens me is that no one stood up for them.

A doubt had crept into all our hearts Signor Tripathi.

This is my son.

His name is Vedvyas Tripathi.

His lineage... his values,

his upbringing and his father will never change.

My mind and body are disturbed. I must take your leave.

Sir...

Tomorrow is an auspicious day to start the ceremonies for the wedding.

We'll start with a special ritual pyre for the couple's good health.

We can have Billu's concert right after that...

For sure...

Pandit Tripathi.

That was so moving Pandit Tripathi.

You've come just in the nick of time and relieved us all.

Bravo.

But doubt is a cruel mistress sir... and only a test can put it to rest.

I would request you to allay these doubts as soon as possible.

So you want me to throw my son into the fire?

We want you to slap these doubters

and naysayers with the truth so hard

that they wouldn't dare raise a finger on you again!

How do we do that Signor Mishra?

It's simple... a blood test.

A father and son can have different blood groups.

I know. But their DNA is always the same.

I know he's your son... I know what the result will be.

But it's important to shut the people up.

You have no idea the villains that roam among us.

Good idea.

It's about time, these villains are defeated.

Mishra is asking for a DNA test...

What fresh hell is that?!

It's a test that proves Billu is Dad's son...

It's no big deal.

We don't have anything to prove to anyone.

Why should I do the test? I won't.

You don't have to do it sis... Billu and his dad have to!

Oh, ok.

They were both pissing fire... Balak as well as Billu.

Dad, Mishra maybe our arch enemy,

but he's unknowingly handed us the ultimate weapon.

This DNA test will truly silence everyone.

So you're all in favor of this test?

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

But I am not...

7th December 1992 - the scariest night this town has ever seen.

Riots had broken out in the city.

Sumitra and I were at the hospital.

Pandit Tripathi... I need your help.

His name was Dr. Irani

like a warrior he was waging a lone war to save lives.

Pandit ji.

Dr. Irani... she's a muslim.

She's a human being Pandit.

Lower it... here.

I don't think she'll survive,

but we can save this child.

Please come.

Burn the shop.

Doctor! They've come inside.

Here, hold him Pandit.

Find if any one of them are here. I'll kill them all.

Tell me or I'll kill you!

Tell me if anyone of "them" are here.

How dare you ask him that question!

Pandit Tripathi.

Listen...

Put him on our bed.

Let's just tell everyone we had twins!

But this kid is a Muslim.

Who's going to know?

We know.

He's a gift from God.

We're all born alike.

That smile washed away my doubts.

All preconceptions and prejudices.

We all come into the world like this...

innocent and unassuming.

We don't know where we're born...

into what family or religion, race or caste.

We're all just born human beings

but the world slices us up into these divisions.

That day a child clutched my finger

but soon I knew that God had sent him to hold our hands.

Our prosperity, our respect is all due to him.

These letters had come earlier also.

I knew the truth.

Because I was the man who hid my face and changed the birth certificate.

I don't care what the DNA test reveals.

Who Billu is to me can never change.

I'm incomplete without Billu... this family is incomplete without him.

Tomorrow is a battle between two duties -

duty towards my family vs a duty to my faith.

I may not win this battle

but I won't shy away from this fight.

I will fight for my Billu.

Whether the family accompanies him or not...

he'll surely have his father by his side.

There's only one way to decide if we are with you or not brother...

Democracy!

ELECTORAL BOX

The motion before Home Parliament was...

Is Billu a part of this family?

Votes in favor - one.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Billu... my vote was always with you brother.

You can leave this house but how will you leave our hearts?!

Let's go, guys!

WHAT IS TRUTH?

My case was so famous,

everyone was debating

whether Pandit Tripathi's honor will prevail

or will Mishra strip him of it.

It was as if the DNA of the entire town was being tested.

Let them do a DNA test

the result will be whatever we want it to be.

This is Neeraj... he's a friend.

Dr. Neeraj Daniel.

Your friend Neeraja's brother?

Aunty there's no Neeraja.

I've been meeting him for the past 3 years at the pretext of Neeraja.

What?!

Now that everyone is speaking the truth...

consider this my contribution!

Tell them.

For the DNA test, I'll take a blood sample from you and Billu.

While taking the sample.

I'll draw blood from both your hands

at the pretext of not being able to find the vein in one hand.

Instead of Billu's blood,

I'll use both samples from Signor Tripathi's blood.

Thus, giving us the result, we want.

Brother Billu will once and for all go back to being

the loved and respected - Bhajan Kumar!

Isn't that a blockbuster idea? Mishra won't know what hit him!

Aunty don't worry. I've been a doctor for 5 years now.

So we will have to lie?

TRUTH WILL BE REVEAL TODAY

Namaste.

A warm welcome to all residents of Balrampur.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the questions

festering in your minds for the last few weeks...

will be answered today.

It is my humble request that please stay calm

till we get the results of the DNA test.

Good luck, Pandit Tripathi.

Please stay calm. Thank you.

DNA GENETICS M. G. DISTRICT HOSPITAL, BALRAMPUR

Wait a minute Doctor.

We don't need this.

Of course we do...

This is the only thing we need now.

Come hell or high water we won't rest till we know.

We won't rest!

We will not rest!

What would you want to know?

That my blood is red?

Actually Signor Mishra... all of us should be tested.

Because what they're doing today is a big deal.

They're all here just to protect me.

Because they love me,

and believe that my dignity is their dignity.

Sure, they're a little naive... but family is family.

And for them I don't care how many times I have to give my blood.

Mishra uncle, I want to thank you the most.

Because you've shown me who I am.

Today I've truly found my DNA.

I am Muslim.

I told you.

I am Hindu.

I'm head over heels in love with a sikh...

And this morning I went to church too.

The truth is I was born in this very hospital on the 7th of December 1992.

My mother was a muslim. I'll never know what her name was.

It's also true that I survived the riots that night

only because of a Parsi - Dr. Irani and my father.

Since that day he's never let go of my hand...

I always thought my life was a game of snakes and ladders,

where my family were the snakes.

Always afraid they'll embarrass me, might say something weird.

I thought they weren't "cool".

No two of us are alike...

not uncle and Dad,

not my aunts... not even Gunja and me... least of all Rampyari.

We fight with each other...

and sometimes don't see eye to eye.

Who says a happy family has to be smile and laugh all the time?

Signor Malpani,

if a family or a neighborhood has only one shade, won't it look dull?

We for sure, love a rainbow

and that's why I know, I don't need this test.

Signor Mishra,

my family had the perfect solution for your little exhibition.

We could've fooled you and left victorious.

But today for the first time I saw my father's head hung in shame.

When I saw the pain in his eyes

I felt like I was about to commit a cardinal sin.

You've questioned my lineage, so I'll answer you.

But don't you dare say a word about my father.

Look at me spouting lines like a Bollywood hero!

Signor Mishra... this is our DNA -

we can Muslim by birth, and yet sing Hindu devotional songs.

We can eat at Abdul's house

and still keep a fast for Lord Rama.

We can head to the mosque for urdu poetry...

and watch Lord Rama's play alike...

where no one acts better than my friend Pintu Khan!

This is our neighborhood.

This is our true colour.

And I love my colourful family.

I'm never leaving them.

As far as my DNA and the question of whether

I'm a Hindu or a Muslim or an ape, is concerned...

you did all this to get the Signor Malpani's wedding contract.

Honorable Signor Mishra and my dearest TD,

This contract is all yours!

Let's go dad.

Billu... Pandit Tripathi.

Billu.

My speech may not have impressed Mishra and son,

but it convinced Aishwarya.

She wasn't getting married without me singing at her wedding!

Where was she gonna find Bhajan Kumar and DJ Romeo rolled into one!

The Twitter handle practically writes itself.

This neighborhood had found its true colour.

Pintu now plays the demon as well as the boatman who helped Lord Rama.

My speech went viral only because of Raghubir...

it taught me that people can change.

I can give you this guarantee.

There was a wind of change in the mood and the neighbourhood.

Dad always says...

Life is nothing but change.

It fills my heart with joy.

I still play snakes and ladders,

but I'd learnt that that my family are actually my ladder.

It was up to me whether I rise or fall.

Think of this as Billu's law...

or like Newton uncle you too can wait for an apple to fall on your head.

I must take your leave now.

So friends, be it a wedding or a funeral...

whether you need Bhajan or Romeo,

don't forget to think of our big, fat...

Great Indian family!

You believe in good deeds or what a holy book claims?

Bro, it's all the same!

The Geeta, Bible and the Quran what do they all proclaim?

Oh yeah... It's all the same.

Every face, a different attitude... we're a multitude of many a mood.

Many tongues and twangs we speak, we got every flavour you seek

Step on each other's toes and bicker,

we may that's how we dance... it's the tune we play!

We're a billion and one too many No one is to blame!

Mister... It's all the same!

Do the rays of the sun care what your faith is?

It's all for one... and one for all!

Does the pouring rain ask what your creed is?

It drenches us all... big or small!

So what if you're black or white?

No matter if you're chill, or a little uptight

It's these differences we must love

We're no different to the God above

Bro, if you think one is less and one is more...

Bro, isn't that a bit lame?

O yeah... it's all the same!

If it's the Ganges you worship?

We're all still the same

If the Mecca is your trip?

We're all still the same

If you're a sikh with a turban

We're all still the same

If you're singing a Christmas carol

We're all still the same

We're each a child of God a billion peas in a pod

When you and I both bleed red... let us put this hate to bed

We're all the same

We're all the same

We're all the same

Bro, we're all the same!