Original subtitles

- Hi, Ma. - What the hell are you doing home?

I thought you had a 4:00 beauty parlour appointment.

I did. They finished with me early.

On Christie Brinkley they can finish early. You need every minute they can spare.

Now get back there.

- He's here, isn't he? - Who?

- Who? Rocco. - Rocco?

Ma, let me refresh your memory.

The man you met in the police line-up.

I was at the police station to identify the guy

who stole my purse. Rocco was there on a trumped-up charge.

Ma, they caught him on a billboard,

spray-painting something obscene on Spuds McKenzie.

The dog they use in those ads is really a female.

Rocco was just making Spuds anatomically correct.

Ma, I'm telling you, the man is bad news.

He has no job, he gambles all the time. What kind of future does he have?

Future? Please, he's 85. The man's got so little time,

he only uses the "ten items or less" line at the supermarket.

Look who came to say hello, Rocco.

Hello, Dorothy. Always a pleasure. Nice seeing you.

- Cut the crap and put out the stogie. - I like your style.

Right suit, right haircut, voice a little higher,

you could pass as Frank Nitti.

What the hell are you talking about?

- A little higher, I think you got it. - You really knew Frank Nitti?

Sure. Frank Nitti, Dutch Schultz, Al Capone.

Rocco, are you saying that you were in the Mob?

I ran Detroit.

The marathon. He ran the Detroit marathon.

Come on, come on. We're in the middle of a hand.

Four of a kind. Beat that.

Straight flush. Pay me, honey.

- Ma, what are you doing? - Losing. L�s strip poker.

Tha�s it. Game's over.

Who do you think you are, Donald Trump? You don't own this casino.

- She's always telling me what to do. - My daughter treats me the same way.

Kids. Once they're over 50, they think they know everything.

I cannot believe my mother is hanging out with that cheap hood.

- You mean Rocco? - No, Rose, I mean Spiro Agnew.

He gave her a highway contract instead of an ID bracelet.

- Of course I mean Rocco. - I think he's kinda cute.

He is not cute. He is a bad influence.

Ever since Ma started seeing him, she's on the phone all day, she stays up all night.

Yesterday, she came home with NyQuil on her breath

and his surgical stockings in her pocket.

- Can I ask you something? - I don't know what it means.

I just don't like the possibilities.

No, I wanted to ask you-do you think Blanche has been picking on me lately?

- I haven't noticed. - Hi, Blanche.

Must you always be so cheerful, you empty-headed Mary Poppins knockoff?

Let me know if you notice anything.

- Blanche, wha�s with you and Rose? - I'll tell you what. This.

- What is it? - Rose's diary.

- What are you doing with it? - It was lying out on the dining room table.

I picked it up and the lock popped right open.

Just like this.

Listen to this.

"Dear Diary, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with these two pigs."

"At first, moving in with them was a good way to save money,

but i�s getting out of hand."

"If one isn't keeping me awake with her squealing,

the other one is belching in my face."

You do that sometimes, Dorothy.

After you've had a Denver omelette.

This is a real invasion of Rose's privacy. And i�s a Spanish omelette.

- Doesn't it bother you? - Not if I take a little Gelusil.

The diary. No, no, not at all.

And I'm really shocked that you read it.

Then you're not interested to hear the other things she said.

Not in the slightest.

Fine. Suit yourself.

Use the knife.

Blanche, what are you doing?

I thought we agreed we wouldn't read any more of Rose's diary.

That was only because we couldn't pry the lock off again.

Then I remembered we had these pliers in the tool drawer.

Gangway. Old people coming through.

Ma, what is all this stuff here?

This isn't stuff. This is my life.

Why are you bringing your life into our living room?

There have been robberies at his building. He asked me to store his valuables.

- But Ma, we don't have the space for this. - I have plenty of space in my room.

Come on, Rocco.

Listen, when the two of you go in there, I want you to leave the door open.

Yes, Mrs Cleaver.

Hi, girls.

Gee, wha�s my diary doing here next to a pair of pliers?

Whatever it is you're thinking, it isn't true.

Good, then George Bush isn't married to his mother.

Boy, that was easier than I thought.

This lock has been tampered with.

Wait a minute. You two read my diary, didn't you?

- Tha�s despicable. - I will tell you what is despicable, missy.

- The things you wrote in that diary. - This is my book, for my eyes.

You have no right to invade my privacy.

Rose, you said some terrible things. I thought we were friends.

We used to be. We're not anymore.

- Wha�s wrong? - I have a problem.

I'll say.

You should have never stopped using that depilatory.

Ma, I'm up here.

- Ma, Rose isn't talking to me. - Enjoy it while it lasts. Now, good night.

Honey... Hi, Dorothy.

- Honey, can I talk to you? - No, go away.

But I can't sleep because Rose isn't talking to me.

I could care less. Now get out.

- Sophia? - I'm not in.

Wait for the beep, then leave a message.

Beep.

Hi, this is Rose...

Rose, shut up and get in here.

I see you're with two double-crossing ex-friends of mine. I'll come back.

What do you think this is, the 7-Eleven? I'm not open all night.

We feel terrible about what we've done.

- What have you done? - We're really sorry.

- Sorry about what? - Sorry isn't good enough.

- How can I trust you again? - Trust who?

Please, le�s not talk about trust after the terrible things you wrote.

What the hell are you talking about?

- Blanche and I read Rose's diary. - She wrote some terrible things about us.

About you? I didn't write anything about you.

I didn't even know you when I kept that diary.

- What are you talking about? - That was my 4-H diary.

I kept it one summer when I raised two pigs for the county fair.

You kept a diary about raising two pigs?

You know another way to get a 4-H pig diary badge?

Oh, my God.

There's been a terrible misunderstanding.

- Le�s just forget the whole thing. - No way. I'm really mad.

L�s late and I'm tired, so listen up.

- You're gonna tell us a story? - No, I'm gonna do shadow puppets.

See? A elephant eating a peanut. Happy?

Of course I'm gonna tell a story. Picture it:

- Morocco, the '30s. - The 1930s?

No, 30 degrees. Do I look like Willard Scott?

Of course the 1930s.

Three friends are haggling over a Camel.

How many humps?

None. I'm talking about a cigarette. It was the last one.

- Well, anyway... - What does this have to do with the diary?

Suddenly, I'm on Nightline. I'm just trying to tell a story here.

There's no point. They've done something terrible. I'll never forgive them.

- Isn't there anything we can do? - No, absolutely not. I'm unyielding on this.

Can't you think of anything tha�ll make us still be friends?

No, this time you've crossed the line.

I can't trust you, and if I can't trust you, then we can't be friends.

The relationship is over. Goodbye.

I got out in the hall, and I missed you guys already.

Please, le�s be friends.

- I love you guys. - Great, now get out.

Le�s not fight anymore.

Fine. Get out.

- You're the best friends I've ever had. - I said get out.

- Look at all that money. - Gosh, there's thousands.

- Where did this come from? - Rocco's bag.

Where did Rocco get all this money?

I don't know, but the next time we go to the colonel,

I'm getting all white meat and a biscuit.

I do not believe this. There are thousands here.

- How could Rocco have so much money? - I'm as confused as all of you.

He had that satchel with him when he went to the bank.

Maybe you'd better tell us exactly what happened.

When we got to the bank, he told me to keep the motor running,

and five minutes later he ran out at top speed.

Did you ask him why he was running?

No, the man is taking diarrhetics for a prostate problem.

His whole life is a 50-yard dash.

Ma, he robbed the bank. I'm calling the police.

No, wait. He didn't rob that bank. I know Rocco.

He's a good man, a decent man, an honest man...

and not a bad kisser.

- How do you explain this money? - What are you, a treasury agent?

L�s circumstantial evidence.

Hello? Rocco, we were just talking about you.

A funny thing just happened. We found thousands of dollars in your bag.

We were kind of wondering where it came from.

Well... right. That clears it all up.

See you later, then.

He robbed the bank. Anybody hungry?

You're not calling the police? The man just told you he robbed a bank.

He also told me he had a very good reason.

He did it for love.

Gee. The most any man ever did for me

was getting all his sheep to lie down in a field and spell out my name.

- Ma, call the police. - No.

Rocco needs to talk. He's coming over.

- Fine. I'll call the police. - If you do, I'll never speak to you again.

- But Rocco did admit he robbed a bank. - L�s my fault.

He thought the only way he could keep me was if he had money to buy me things.

I gotta convince him to turn himself in.

If he doesn't, I'll go to the police myself.

L�s the last time I let a man toy with my affections.

From now on, i�s strictly physical.

Well, I've never been fond of Rocco,

but i�s obvious that he really cares about my mother.

One thing's for sure - that Rocco is a romantic.

There aren't many men like him in this world.

Blanche, what was the most romantic thing a man ever did for you?

Tha�s easy.

When George and I were courting and it was getting to the intimate stage,

we went for a date in his big old Packard.

Well, halfway home, we ran out of gas.

It was dark, it was cold, so we held each other close.

Both of us knew right then and there this was the night.

Pretty soon the windows were fogged up from the heat generated by our bodies.

After we were married, I told him the only thing that coul�ve made it more romantic

was if we'd had candles and wine and a big blanket.

So on our tenth anniversary, George fired up the old Packard

and we drove along the same route as on that date.

And wouldn't you know, we ran out of gas on exactly the same spot.

George said, "Blanche, why don't you look behind that tree?"

So I did, and there was a basket with candles and wine

and two long-stem glasses and a big blanket.

We had a perfect evening.

That is beautiful, Blanche.

L�s a shame you didn't look behind the tree before.

You could have had two perfect nights.

Wha�s the most romantic thing a man ever did for you, Dorothy?

Well, the most romantic thing was when Stan proposed.

He took me to a very expensive restaurant.

I went to the powder room, and when I returned to the table

there was an open bottle of Dom Perignon and two filled glasses.

We clinked the glasses in a toast and Stan gave me a coy smile

and I winked at him and I just downed the champagne in one gulp.

And it didn't go down smoothly.

Later, Stan told me that...

he'd put my engagement ring in the bottom of the glass.

It turned up three days later.

Where did it turn up, Dorothy?

On the Home Shopping Network, Rose.

Dorothy, you do have to admit, it was very touching, what Rocco did for Sophia.

It would be more touching if it weren't a felony.

Still, though, it just goes to show your hair may turn grey,

your skin may wrinkle, but you're never too old for romance.

So don't give up, girls.

Rocco.

Sophia, I came to get you.

Forget it. You kissed this pleasure palace goodbye when you stole that money.

You're going with me. I've got a Harley-Davidson in the driveway.

- I didn't know you could ride a motorcycle. - I can't.

I pushed it all the way here from the dealership.

I'm exhausted. We're gonna have to take a cab.

Hold your horses. We got something to talk about.

First of all, how did you rob that bank?

It was a magnificent heist. I moved with catlike precision.

- Rocco, you're in big trouble. - By sunrise we'll be south of the border.

Sparkling skies above us, tropical breezes blowing across our bodies.

Sophia, you with me?

No.

Sophia, I'm disappointed.

Not half as disappointed as I am.

I admit, at times your stories about being a big-shot gangster seemed colourful to me.

But I figured you aren't that guy anymore.

And if you are, you're not for me.

I wish you'd have told me that before.

Sophia, I have some confessions to make to you.

I was never a big-shot gangster, I was never a big-shot nothing.

All I was is an assistant cook at Chowder House in Bayonne, New Jersey.

Not the kind of fella that you're used to going around with.

I didn't wanna lose you. Tha�s why I made up the bank robbery.

That $45,000 was my life savings.

I thought with that money I could treat you like you ought to be treated.

Like a queen.

I can't believe this.

I can't believe it either. There's a gate.

I could have got a hernia coming over the wall.

Wait a minute. I've messed everything up. I'll just get out of your life.

What I can't believe is that you went through all this.

Rocco, you always treat me like a queen.

Come here.

OK, Blanche. You landed on sports, here's the question -

"What famous football player wore pantyhose...?"

Doug Kerloff, Tampa Bay Bucks, New Year's Eve.

We were at the Holiday Inn near the airport.

The complete question is "...wore pantyhose in a magazine advertisement?"

Well, how the hell would I know?

If I wanna see a man in pantyhose, I don't have to buy a magazine.

Joe Namath. Your turn, Rose.

OK, music history. Here goes.

"What famous Mozart composition, completed in 1787,

is a serenade in G for two violins, viola, cello and double bass in four movements?"

"Eine Kleine Nachtmusik."

Tha�s right. How did you know that?

They always play it during the chases on the Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Showw.

There was this one where Elmer Fudd was chasing Bugs,

and he stuck his gun down a hole in the ground that Bugs had painted...

Excuse me, Rose. Blanche, could I see the rule book?

Thank you.

What say we call it a night, OK? Ready to go to bed, Dorothy?

No, I'm gonna wait up for Ma. She's out with Rocco.

Sophia will be fine. She's a grown woman.

- You can't wait up for her every night. - You're right.

She's perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

Hello?

Ma. Do you know what time it is?

You're what? The hell you are.

Listen, you are not spending the night at Rocco's.

Look, as long as you live under our roof, you will abide by our rules.

I should do what to myself?

Hello? He...

Dorothy, is your mother all right?

Fine. She does something wrong, suddenly she's my mother.