Original subtitles

Hi, Sophia. What are you making?

- Lasagne al forno. - Smells delicious.

Yeah, my Great Aunt Nicholina used to say,

"Making lasagne al forno is like crossing a river -

if you roll up your pants, don't be surprised

if you find clams nipping at your heels."

- What did she mean? - How should I know?

She was a hopeless alcoholic.

Here, have a taste.

Hi, girls. Tell me, how did the audition for the play go?

Awful. We just got two tiny parts.

We're doing Sound of Music. Blanche is mad she didn't get the lead.

I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role.

You've gotten it the past five years.

Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.

Blanche used to sleep with the old one.

The new director's gay.

A gay theatre director - did you ever hear of such a thing?

Tha�s absolutely shocking.

Next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.

Ma, you are making lasagne al forno. What is the occasion?

There's no occasion. I just know i�s your favourite.

- I'll get it. - This takes 12 hours to make.

What do you want?

Nothing. And it takes 16.

Ma, the only time you make lasagne al forno is for funerals and favours.

You're not in black, so what do you want?

Nothing. Dorothy, you're a sick, suspicious, paranoid person.

Stan, my favourite ex-son-in-law!

Oh, God!

Stanley, what the hell are you doing here?

Don't talk to him like that. I invited him for dinner.

- What? - I love your toupee, Stanley. Is it new?

Yeah, yeah. The guy at the shop calls it the Dan Rather model.

- Does it make me look more intellectual? - Absolutely.

By the way, Stanley, your fly is open.

- I'm so embarrassed. - Don't worry about it.

I hear that Dan Rather has the same problem.

Tha�s why he sits behind a desk.

Ma, listen, I want some answers.

Now, why did you prepare my favourite meal

and then invite my least favourite person to come and eat it with us?

All right, all right. I need a favour.

Remember my brother Angelo? He was at your wedding.

He's the priest who lives in Sicily.

He's going to Brooklyn next week to visit the family

and insisted on stopping off in Miami one day

to wish you two a happy 40th wedding anniversary.

But we're not married any more.

Which brings me to the lasagne al forno.

I want you two to pretend you're still married and that we all live here together.

I'm sorry. I will not take part in this. The institution of marriage is sacred.

- I'll give you 50 bucks. - OK, I'll do it.

L�s only for one afternoon. L�ll break your uncle's heart if he finds out you're divorced.

Ma, forget it. We're divorced because Stanley cheated on me.

He is a loathsome, repulsive creature

and even the thought of pretending to be married to him makes me ill.

Fine, but I'm still staying for dinner.

- I'll never speak to you again. - I don't care.

- I'll cut you out of the will. - I don't care.

I'll invite Stan over every night for the rest of your life!

How bad can it be? L�s just for the day.

- I just pressed our costumes. - Thank you.

I'm nervous about the dress rehearsal tonight.

- Can we go over our lines again? - Sure.

Can we take it from the top of scene three here?

I'm standing on the balcony of the von Trapp home,

listening to artillery shells bursting in the distance, and you come on from upstage.

- OK. You ready? - Yes.

The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!

Everybody, grab a gun and go to the basement! Come on! Move, move!

No, no, no...

Sophia, now, just relax. We're just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.

Oh, thank God!

- Whoo! It is really coming down. - Wha�s coming down?

The Liberace marquee at Caesars Palace.

Rain! Rain, Rose!

Where is that idiot, Stan? Angelo will be here from the airport any minute.

I don't know where he is. Stan's always late. He was even late for our first date.

And then you were late.

Which is why you had to marry that stupid, lazy, no-good pinhead of a...

prince! This man is a prince.

- Come in, Stan. - I'm sorry I'm late.

The rain really tied up the traffic. Hi, girls.

- Hi. - Hi, Stan.

Hello, Mama Bear.

Papa Bear's back in the cave.

I could vomit just looking at you.

That must be Angelo. You two go out the back. He can't see you here.

- Go ahead! Go, go! - OK.

- Angelo! - Sophia!

You're looking terrific! Why, you haven't changed a bit in 40 years!

- Angelo, you're a priest. You shouldn't lie. - Ah, don't worry about it.

Before the trip, I said an extra 50 Hail Marys in case I felt like cutting loose.

- Dorothy! - Uncle Angelo!

It is so good to see you!

Dorothy, you know something?

You look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.

He just used up all 50 Hail Marys on that one.

Stanley, you're a still a funny guy. You got a sense of humour still, eh?

- He still make you laugh like he used to? - Not really.

But, then again, I haven't seen him naked lately.

Would you listen to those two? Always with the quips.

So, tell me. How are the children?

- Uncle Angelo, they're all grown up. - How nice.

Kate is an interior decorator in New York, and Michael is a very successful musician.

I was disappointed he didn't go into the novelty business with me.

Yes, it was a crushing blow when he decided to join the Boston Philharmonic

instead of selling rubber dog poop door to door.

Don't knock the novelty business.

Rubber dog poop and joy buzzers provided nicely for you, the two kids...

And several stewardesses.

Stewardesses?

They adopted them. After Asian babies, they're the most popular.

Ma, could I please see you in the kitchen?

Hurry back, Mama Bear. Papa Bear gets Ionely without you.

I think things are going nicely.

Save it. I am going to tell Uncle Angelo the truth.

- L�s only for a couple of hours more. - Ma, I can't do it.

Pretending we're married, as though nothing happened, i�s making me crazy.

- L�s time to take my heart medicine. - You need water to take your pill?

Not pills. I'll take a shot of Scotch, 12 years old, if you got it.

I have a confession to make.

Good. I get my Scotch, we go in the closet.

No, i�s about Stan and me.

You know something, Dorothy?

On your wedding day, Sophia told me she said your marriage was never gonna last.

That made me very sad.

And now to see you and Stan so happy after all of these years,

it does an old man's heart good.

And so does that.

Uncle Angelo...

I'm so glad I disobeyed the doctor's orders

and risked this long trip to see the both of you so much in love.

Now, what were you saying?

Uncle Angelo, I wanted to say...

Don't just stand there, Papa Bear - come give Mama Bear a big bear hug.

- Can I get you another slice of cake? - No, thank you.

- I'll take a slice, darling. - No problem, sweetheart.

Hurry back, dumpling.

My feet have wings, barf bag.

Please hang in there a little while longer,

and Angelo will be on a plane headed for Brooklyn.

Wish I'd taken my raincoat.

Why are you two dressed like that?

These are our costumes for the play, Dorothy.

We were in the middle of rehearsal when they told us all to go home.

There's a hurricane heading for Miami.

You know, I think I will take a slice of cake... Hello.

Uncle Angelo, I'd like you to meet...

- I'm Sister Rose. - Nice to meet you.

- I'm Sister Blanche. - Nice to meet you, Sister Blanche.

We're here collecting...

lingerie... for needy sexy people.

There's a big hurricane headed this way. They want everyone to stay where they are.

We could be trapped together for days!

Oh, Jesus!

Please protect us and watch over us in this, our hour of need.

Amen.

- Boy, i�s really coming down out there. - I've never been through a hurricane.

There's nothing to be afraid of. I've been through hurricanes. They can be fun.

I remember one when I was married.

- Married? - Mary.

When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent. Remember, Sister Rose?

Oh, my, yes. Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

She'd have to be to make anyone believe she was a virgin.

Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit.

- You know, for two cents... - You could get a better toupee?

Tha�s it, I've had enough. I'm not going on with this any more.

Angelo, look! St Francis of Assisi.

Shut up and play ball, you yutz!

False alarm. Never mind.

Le�s all go to bed. Angelo, you can sleep in my room.

Oh, yeah? Well, won't it be crowded?

- Please. In Sicily, we slept four in a bed. - Yeah, but there's six of us.

I meant just you and me.

Fancy!

Oh, come on, le�s go to bed.

- Yeah, I'm beat. - Me too.

Me too.

Me too.

- Who is it? - L�s Uncle Angelo.

Come in.

- Dorothy, would you do me a favour? - Of course, Uncle Angelo. Anything.

I want you to sleep with this man.

Forget it!

Please! I'm begging you as a man of the cloth.

Now I know how Jessica Hahn must have felt.

Look, I'm sorry, Uncle Angelo. We had a fight.

I know, and I wanna go to bed, so you two kids, please make up.

Fine, fine, we're made up.

Thank you. Good night, sweet dreams.

I know i�s been a while, but try to control yourself. I need some rest.

- What is that for? - You're not getting into this bed.

- Where am I supposed to sleep? - On the floor, like any dog.

Fine.

Just fine. I don't have to beg a woman to get into bed. Women come to me.

Yeah, right after they get the approval number on your MasterCard.

- Good night. - Oh, shut up.

Stanley, if you're doing what I think you're doing, you're in big trouble.

I was just remembering the first time you ever kicked me out of bed

and I had to sleep on the floor.

Emile Zund�s Hidden Honeymoon Hideaway in the Poconos.

"Where every cottage is April in Paris."

And every bathroom, Calcutta in July.

Do you remember how I convinced you to let me back into bed?

No.

I've got a crush on you

Swweetie pie

All the day and night-time

Hear me sigh

Stanley Zbornak, I don't believe that you're trying to charm me.

- Is it working? - I don't think so.

Then I'll have to pull out the big gun.

You're wasting your time, Stanley. I'm familiar with the big gun.

Here goes.

Embrace me

My swweet. Embraceable you

Embrace me

You irreplaceable you

Dorothy! Dorothy, I just had a terrible nightmare.

Ma, what was it?

This.

Break it up.

Stanley, think of me of the Berlin Wall.

Try to climb over me, and you'll know what barbed wire between your legs feels like.

Gotcha.

Dorothy, how did this start? Cole Porter?

Gershwin.

Thank God I came in time.

I'll get it.

Hello?

Hi, Walter. How are you?

Yeah, I feel like a caged animal in heat, too.

Walter! You naughty boy. Keep on talking.

What am I wearing?

Well, to be perfectly honest, a nun's outfit!

Oh, that sounds good to me.

I'll be over there just as soon as the storm lets up.

He's a leper.

I'm the only one who will touch him.

- Good morning, everyone. - Good morning.

- I'll make some breakfast. - L�s such a shame.

You two stuck here on your 40th anniversary, stuck with us.

40th anniversary?

Sure, today's the 25th, isn't it?

Yes. Yeah, I guess it is.

I remember when my parents celebrated their 40th anniversary.

They did the cutest thing. They renewed their marriage vows.

You two should do that.

You've got a priest right here. L�d be perfect.

L�s sweet, i�s romantic, i�s spontaneous.

L�s the dumbest idea I've ever had.

- I think i�s a great idea. - What?

Snookums, could I see you in the living room?

Sure.

What is wrong with you? Are you out of your mind?

Dorothy, just hear me out.

The last two days, you and me being here, brought back a lot of good memories.

Last night when you and I were in bed together, I felt something.

That was my mother's knee.

Besides that. There was still some of the old magic there.

Look, I know we loused things up the last time.

I loused things up.

But now we have a chance to give it another try.

Babe, I've missed you. I wanna go through with the ceremony.

Then we'll go down to City Hall and make it legal.

- Stan... - Dorothy, i�s fate.

Divine intervention. The hurricane, us pretending we're married.

If God didn't want us together, he wouldn't have sent us a priest.

I'm not a priest.

Get back here. What do you mean, you're not a priest?

I cannot go on with this deception any longer.

I can't marry you. I'm not a priest - I never was.

Uncle Angelo, what are you talking about?

I gotta sit down.

Let me tell you a story.

Picture it...

Sicily, 1914.

I promise our dear sainted mother on her deathbed I'm gonna join the priesthood.

On my way to the seminary in Palermo,

I stop off in local trattoria for a glass of Chianti.

The waitress who brings the drink to the table is a vision.

Luscious lips, full bosom...

and a behind so round,

so firm, you got to fall down on your knees

and cry out at its magnificent, regal beauty!

I'm a butt man.

Anyway, my devotion to God doesn't waver,

but suddenly the idea of living with a bunch of guys in itchy robes

doesn't seem quite as appealing as that tuchus.

So I tear up my priest application,

ask Philomena to marry me and we lived the next 72 years in wedded bliss.

Well, why did you keep it a secret all these years?

I was afraid my family was gonna turn on me

if they find out that I broke a promise to Mama on her deathbed.

I promised Mama I'd marry Benito,

the town's organ grinder monkey-hat manufacturer.

- And you didn't do it? - Please.

I loved my mother dearly, but I had my own life to live and I guess you did, too, Angelo.

- Can you ever forgive me? - Of course, Uncle Angelo.

Actually, we've all been deceitful, too.

Stanley and I are divorced. I hope you're not disappointed.

No, I'm thrilled. I never liked him. He's a yutz.

And we're not really nuns.

We're actually gorgeous private citizens.

Now I'm confused.

Come to the kitchen. I'll fix you some breakfast and explain the whole thing.

Look, everybody, the storm's letting up. I'm gonna run right on over to Walter's.

Aren't you gonna change?

No.

L�s still pretty windy out there.

I'm gonna go outside and see if I can get airborne.

Well, I'd better get going, too.

Uh, Stan.

About what you said...

Hey, Dorothy...

I was kidding. It was a joke.

Tha�s what I figured.

You didn't think I meant it? Did you?

No, of course not.

Of course not. I'm strictly cheerleaders, wild parties and hot tubs.

Stan, before I forget, a deal's a deal.

Here's your 50.

Tha�s OK, Sophia. This one's on the house.

Pull yourself together, pussycat.

Gershwin confused a lot of people.