Original subtitles

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

Hey, Lexi. It's me, Mikey.

Mikey.

No, no, no, no. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

I got a big fucking surprise for you.

- Who is it? - I was cleaning...

Hey! Surprise!

Hey. Hey, Lil.

Oh, my shit.

Nice to see you, too, uh...

How you been? How you been?

Okay...

- It's me, Mikey. Remember me? - I know.

I know. What are you doing here for?

Well, I just came to see Lexi,

and, well, I came to see you of course.

Both of you guys. But is Lexi here right now?

Lexi!

- Thank you. - What?

You won't believe who's here.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my shit.

Surprise!

Oh, my God, what the... What are you doing here?

Aw! It's good to see you, too.

Why are you here?

Fuck. Oh, God damn it. Where do I begin. Uh, look...

No, you're not coming in this house.

- All beat up. - That's right.

- What... What the fuck? - All right...

All right, well, I'll tell you what's...

Yeah, why are you here?

- Yeah. - Uh, well...

Why are you here?

Mom, Mom, can you give me a minute?

Lil, I just wanted to come in,

and hang for a couple of days.

No, you're not coming in here.

You're not coming in my house.

Mom, can you just go inside and...

- The fuck, Mikey? - I... I know.

I know. This is unexpected.

Oh, nothing with you is unexpected.

You still got that sass!

Look, I don't know what you want,

but I can't help you.

So it doesn't matter how or why you're here.

Go away.

- Hey, Lil. - Ma!

- God damn it. - Look, I don't want

to be here, all right? This is embarrassing.

Well, I don't want you here either.

You think I want to show up like this?

I got my ass fuckin' kicked. I just need a place to crash.

- Why can't you be cool? - What does it look like?

- A hotel? - Really? It's like that?

Can you get off the property, please?

What, why... What are you fucking going do? Really?

Well, you... Oh, you want me to call the cops?

- I'll call the cops. - Don't. Don't fucking...

- No, I'm calling the cops. - Fuck!

- Nine, eight... - God...

Seven... Faster!

I'm technically off the property,

so you can't call the cops,

because I'm on public land respecting your boundaries!

- Can you keep it down? - Can you come over here

so I don't have to project my voice, please?

Oh, fuck!

Seriously, I just need a place to crash for a couple of days.

- What's the big deal? - Mikey, go fuck yourself.

Oh, you don't even know what I've been through.

- Oh, right. - Look at my fucking face!

I just was on a bus for two days.

I had to walk here from the bus station...

Why don't you stay with your mama!

My mom's in a nursing home in Le Marque.

A care home. I can't sleep there.

Mikey, what do you want?

- My God, I just... - What do you want?

I just fucking told you.

I just need to crash for a couple days.

What, you want money, right? Here.

- I don't want fucking money. - I got 22 fucking dollars.

Here, come get it. I can't come on your property.

- Come get your money. - You should've called!

If I would've called, you would've said "no."

I'm still saying "no,"

so you fucked yourself by coming.

Oh, please, come on. You know me.

Damn straight, I do.

You know me and you know

I wouldn't be literally begging

if I had somewhere to go.

And if you don't let me in,

I'm going to sleep in Tarpey fucking Park tonight,

is that what you want?

You said you were never going

to step a foot in Texas again.

And then the world fucked me, what can I say.

- Peek-a-boo! - Ma!

See, your mom's saying, "Let him in.

"Let him in and take a shower."

And the dog's like,

"Oh, he's a good man, I can tell by his nice energy."

Please let me take a fucking shower.

The shit got out of fucking control.

If I didn't see it with my own eyes,

I wouldn't believe it.

The place turned into a fucking trap house

right under my nose.

Fucking Speigler sends me some scraggly bitch from Ohio

that he promised would be chill.

Her first night in the house, she gets in a fight,

knocks this fucking bitch out.

Crack. Right in front of me. I was like, "Holy shit!"

So, anyway, she bounced.

Now, I got to fill the room so I don't lose the month

and her friend comes and stays there

and gets high the whole fucking time.

Why didn't you just kick the bitch out?

Well, I had seven hoes

and they're letting MS-13 deal drugs the whole time.

Lil, MS13 is a gang you don't want to fuck with.

You're good? You're good? Okay. You need any coffee?

All right. Sorry. So, anyway.

Long story short. I ended up hiding out in my room,

because these dudes were straight fucking killers

and I didn't wanna fucking get killed

so I played video games the whole time.

Remember the house in Chatsworth?

Mm-hmm. - Well, this place was, like,

maybe five times bigger. Beautiful house.

I had a two-year lease

with an option to buy it at the end of the lease, right?

Well... As usual, shit got fucking crazy.

I snapped, I got up in one of those cholos' faces

because I'm not a little bitch.

I came this fucking close to getting shot.

This fucking close.

So then I had to crash with Kennedy.

You remember Kennedy? Remember...

Do you remember Kennedy?

Anyway, I had to crash at Kennedy's

for, like, three weeks until he kicked my ass out

'cause someone left his back door open

and his cute little cat got out and got killed.

And it wasn't me,

it was some dumb cunt that he fucked the night before.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to swear.

But I don't do that, everyone blames me, like,

"Oh, Mikey's the bad guy."

It's, like, whatever, it's bullshit.

So, anyway, I had to crash at his place.

He kicks me out,

for, like, three nights, I slept on the fucking street,

I slept in a alleyway.

I used my shoes as a goddamn pillow.

It's fucking bullshit, my neck was so sore,

I got beat up, that's how all this happened.

Two homeless fuckers beat the shit out of me.

They took everything except my phone and my wallet.

And the only reason they didn't get that

is the cop showed up and arrested my ass!

Why'd you get arrested?

I have a feelin' there's a whole lot more to this story.

I'm sure there is.

It doesn't even matter. Look, guys.

This could be fun, this could be cool.

I got a plan. While I was on the bus,

I thought about this, I gave it some serious thought.

Lil, you know I'm not a freeloader, right?

- While I'm here... - How long?

"How long" what?

How long do you plan on staying?

Well, I mean, that's up to you, and Lexi of course,

but look, I saw some hiring signs on the way in.

I'll go downtown tomorrow,

and I'll get a job that pays cash.

I'll teach fucking karate if I have to.

I just got my green belt.

I'll make cash and I'll help out around here.

You need a man around the house. Okay?

I already see shit's falling apart,

I can help out with all that shit, right?

I want at least $200 a week.

Thank you, Lil, you're not going to regret this.

Seriously, thank you so much for trusting me... I'll...

Let's give it a couple of days and see how it goes.

Yeah, whatever you're comfortable with.

I don't want to make you uncomfortable,

I'm here to help. And look, before long,

it'll be like we're still married.

We are still married.

Oh, my God, the backyard's a mess.

See, you need a guy around... Dude, there's a dragonfly.

...find out, when she called you...

Now, you traveled?

- Yeah. - How many days later?

Okay.

This was about three days.

So, she called you and said

they were in a high speed chase...

She said I was in a high speed chase,

- with Dante... - Mornin'.

- Mornin'. - She was chasing him.

He was in the car, she pulled up,

- somebody told her... - I love this show.

I watch it everyday, so get used to it.

And from what I was told,

they were doing like 80.

Down a main street.

She's trying to catch him, and he hit a pole.

A fence pole.

What do you say happened?

I was coming back from the airport,

driving her off as she stated.

And when I was at the stop sign,

- I had the right of way to... - Excuse me.

They ran the stop sign and t-boned the car almost.

Was this your baby mother in the other car?

- No. - When she calls you

and she tells you,

'cause I believe that conversation happened,

- do you call him? - Yes.

- And what does he say? - He like, "Man...

"You know that crazy broad. It's not my fault.

"She crazy... I was tryna..."

He was in fear for his safety is what he told me.

Is that what you said?

- No. - I don't believe you.

Sir, you have a $500 counterclaim

for emotional distress.

I cannot wait to hear this.

Hey, Lil, I'm going to borrow

some of your ground beef, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Lexi?

Hello?

- Yeah? - Hey.

Uh, I'm not looking too presentable,

so I'm going to let this thing go down

before I go on these interviews.

So, few more days, okay?

All right?

- Sure. - Thank you.

It was, before she started

- getting into my business. - Really?

So, that's what your counter claim is about?

She has caused you emotional distress.

- Mm-hmm. - Not baby mom...

Put some clothes on for Christ's sake.

- All of them do. - Okay.

They all run together.

Your counterclaim is dismissed, sir.

Judgment in this case is for the plaintiff $2902.

Not even one men's shirt?

Beggars can't be choosers, Mikey.

Your last job listed

is over 17 years ago.

That's quite a gap in employment.

Well, you know, I've worked almost everyday

for the last 17 years.

It's just I've been self-employed.

- What line of work? - Oh, mostly entertainment.

I've been living in Los Angeles,

that's why I have the 323 area code right there,

in case you were wondering. But, yeah.

Film, television, music, entrepreneurship.

Okay, so why are you interested in working here?

- Well, I'm living here now. - Okay.

We were estranged for a while, I'll be honest.

But, you know, we're both from here.

And, you know, now that we're back living here,

we decided to make a run of it.

Well, we do require some experience

or some previous training in the service industry.

- Mm. - And at least one reference.

Uh, yeah. That's going to be tricky.

But I did work for CiCi's Pizza from '99 and 2000.

I think that branch that I worked for closed.

I put it on there.

But, yeah, you could contact corporate if you like.

Look, if you were incarcerated, that's okay.

I just need something

from your parole officer.

All right, look,

I'm going to be straight with you, all right?

All right. Tell me. I need that.

Okay. All right, look, I'll just be honest with you, man.

You don't recognize me, do you?

I'm an adult film actor.

Excuse me?

A porn star. I'm a porn star.

I know, I've been working

in the adult entertainment industry

since 2001 and, you know, even though...

Did you say porn?

Hey, you know, it was fun, I think.

- I'm sure it was. - Yeah, all the ladies...

Why don't you just google me?

Look up "Mikey Saber."

- Mikey... - Saber.

S-A-B-E-R XXX. Go ahead. Search it.

This is unbelievable.

Yeah, that's what they say.

Yeah, just pull down... Yep.

That's me right there, younger me, but...

- Oh, that certainly is you. - Mm. Yeah.

2,000 movies, six awards,

13 nominations and Hall of Fame, did that.

I want to, you know, start fresh,

and really start a new chapter, a new life

with you, and your company, ma'am.

I'd really like to help you,

but, um, my management, they would not permit this.

I'm sorry, but you're just simply

overqualified for this job.

I'm just not sure our customers

would be comfortable with you waiting on them.

They may have seen one of your movies.

Later on, when you get home,

google "Mikey Saber XXX"

and you'll see what I'm talking about.

- It's some good shit. - Okay.

- Yeah, yeah I'll do that. - Thanks, man.

- Thanks, man. Take care now. - Okay.

Stripes, Food King, Dollar General.

I even went to fucking Luby's...

Nobody's hiring.

At least get your assistance check.

Well, I may be able to get you pay stubs

from Brazzers or New Sensations,

but I had a falling out with one of the guys over there.

It's a long story.

Okay, but you need to be

a Texas resident to get benefits.

Oh, no, I'm residing here.

I moved back in with my wife last week.

In order to be a resident,

you need to reside here for at least 180 days.

So, why don't you come back

when you can provide me with a Texas State ID,

and a copy of your marriage license, okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Also, I'm a little confused,

is your last name Davies or Saber?

During the Bill Kay Ford

auto show sale-a-thon,

get 0% APR for 60 to 72 months,

plus auto show bonus cash...

Morning, Lil.

Mornin.'

This has been a test

of the emergency warning system.

Damn.

Ernesto!

It's me, Mikey, from high school.

Mikey? Oh.

Mikey. Okay. Okay.

Is your mom here?

Yeah, she's here.

Can I please speak with her really quick?

- Yeah, she's out in the back. - Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Out back. - That way?

- Yeah, out back. - Okay.

Thanks, big dog.

He retarded.

Don't worry about it, you know the boy is slow.

That's why his head is so big. Don't talk about the boy.

I don't need him.

I'm just tellin' you to calm down,

I'm gonna check his ass.

Pardon me, Leondria.

Hey, it's me, Mikey.

Mikey.

Remember me?

It's okay, it's been forever.

Lil's son in law. Mikey.

Mikey...

Yeah, it's good to see you, ma'am.

What the hell are you doing around here?

Yeah, I'm back in town.

It's so good to see you again, ma'am, you look great.

- Hey, I'm Mikey. - My daughter, June.

Uh...

Oh, shit, June.

I haven't seen you since...

Last time I saw you, you were up to my knee.

You've grown up.

Big girl now.

So, why you back, Mr. Hollywood?

Oh, uh...

Well, me and the ol' lady trying to give it another go.

Oh, really?

So you're telling me Lil is letting you stay there?

Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I'm helping out,

and chipping in around the house.

Which is why I'm here.

So, I was wondering

if maybe I could move some bud for you?

Like I did back in the day.

Hmm...

Speaking of back in the day,

you sound brand new.

Oh, the accent? Yeah...

Yeah, I had to lose it for the biz, ma'am.

But y'all know I'm still a Texas boy at heart.

Mm-hmm. You helpin' Lil with the rent?

Of course!

But, uh...

I'm kinda cash poor at the moment,

do you think you could put me on Front Street?

Let's start with an ounce.

Yeah, that'd be great.

- Thank you. - Hey, June. Hey, Le.

Hey darlin'. How are you?

- I'm good, how are you? - Good, good, good.

- Good, good, good. - Everything is fine.

You're looking good. I know. You're looking good.

You ladies have a nice day.

You, too, Mikey.

All right, girl... Anyways, girl, so...

Yeah, so, I kinda changed the... Yeah.

- I like the color. - Girl, thank you.

Yeah, what color is that?

I bet you any goddamn money,

his ass gonna smoke that shit himself.

Well, I'm glad I gave him some Reggie Bush.

That's what I'm talking about.

You're smart, baby girl.

- A pipe. - Okay.

- And those baggies. - Yeah.

And let me get Dutch Masters.

Wait, no, no. Yeah, those.

- Those papers right there. - Oh, this one?

- Yeah, yeah. - Oh, okay.

I'm a patriotic boy.

...but to do that,

we must break free

from the petty politics of the past.

America is a nation of believers, dreamers

and strivers

that is being led

by a group of censors, critics and cynics.

You weren't bullshitting.

I don't bullshit.

Just please don't give me that snicklefritz shit again,

or I won't get repeaters.

It's not snicklefritz shit, son.

Much better.

Ladies.

Hey, Leo.

- Hey, June. How's it going? - Hey, darlin'.

- How are you? - Good.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Yes.

Got 'em.

Hello, ma'am.

Hey, how you doin' today, honey?

Doin' good. You got men's clothes, my size?

I got a few over here

- hangin' up. - Oh.

I like this.

You think this is a good color on me?

Oh, absolutely.

Let me get that.

You have a fitting room? Or do I just have to risk it?

Yeah I think this shirt will look real nice on you, hon.

If I buy all those clothes, throw this in for a dollar.

- All right. Deal. - Okay?

Deal.

- Sold. - Sold.

Sold!

Lil, as a token of my appreciation,

step up from your restaurant ashtray,

and okay...

This doesn't change anything, but I do like it.

Damn, dope ride.

Uh, yeah, man. Can I help you?

Wow.

I'm next door. I'm living next door.

Oh, yeah? Wait a second.

Shit, you're Mikey!

Yeah.

Yeah, man, it's...

It's me, man. It's me, Lonnie!

Do I know you?

Well, I mean, kinda.

I mean, I live here, obviously.

And, uh...

No, Lexi, man.

Lexi used to babysit me all the time.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, my parents came home one night,

y'all were humpin' in their bedroom.

You jumped out the window naked!

They called the cops on you and everything.

Yep, yep, now I remember.

Oh, shit, your mother hates me.

Uh, well, I mean,

she hated you, man. Uh, yeah, she died.

Oh. Damn, sorry to hear that.

No, I mean, it's good, man.

I mean, it happened over a year ago.

Bladder cancer.

- Shit's a motherfucker. - Ah, shit.

That sucks.

Hey, we should hang out sometime.

Take a spin in this bad boy.

Uh, yeah, man.

What are you even doing back here?

Oh, it's a long story,

but do you think you could take me downtown tomorrow?

We could catch up.

Yeah, dude. I would love to. I got nothin' else to do.

Hell, yeah. Thanks, bro. Uh...

Hey, let's just get you some shoes on this bitch.

You're good to go.

- Yeah, man. I can't wait. - All right.

And welcome back, dude!

Fuckin' Mikey, man. Shit.

Fuckin' Mikey.

Oh, you got to be fucking kidding me.

Hey, great life choice, guys, seriously.

So stupid.

Her doctor cut

her pain meds in half, you fucking asshole.

Yeah, right.

Oh, this is a pimp mobile

if I ever rode in one, Lonnie.

Man, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mikey,

I never thought I'd see you back in Texas City, brother.

Yeah, me neither.

God, I remember when y'all left, man.

You all were like celebrities, you know?

Fuckin' two porn stars, the couple. Oh!

Yeah? That's cool.

Oh, dude, they used to show Lexi's fuckin' videos

at every one of the high school parties.

And I got to brag, man,

because she was my neighbor.

And babysitter.

Yeah, man. And babysitter, man.

Look, man, I've got 800,

almost 900 subscribers on my Pornhub channel.

And I got one of the highest ratings.

That's not just male talent, that's overall.

I've got an 81% positive click rate.

I was at this coffee shop in the Valley, and these people were like,

"Oh, shit, that's Mikey Saber."

Right here, bro. Go right, right, right.

Yeah, bro, they recognized me.

They're like, "Oh, that's Mikey Saber.

They took a picture of me, tagged me on Instagram.

And next thing you know, I had 100 new followers.

- 100 followers? - Yep.

I don't even have 100 followers.

Well, if you stick with me,

I'll get your followers up, baby.

Jenna Haze, man...

- Huh? - Jenna Haze, man...

Oh, yeah, Jenna.

Yeah, I did at least three scenes with her, man.

She's a nasty bitch, let me tell you.

Make it rain on that ass

if you want to see that cash, right here.

Oh, yeah, if you'd like to see what's in between,

come on and throw some more green right here.

All night long.

She ran my bill up to $1500 bucks.

It's like, who you callin' in Prague, bitch?

Fuck, if I know!

Shit, yeah. But she's a beautiful girl, man!

- I can't hear you. - I said,

"Yeah, but she's a beautiful girl, man."

Oh, yeah, she's fuckin' bangin', bro! She's bangin'.

Oh, God, speaking of bangin'.

I need a minute.

Throw that green right there for Diamond, guys.

If you love pussy, well, hey,

don't be shy to get topside, right here, right now.

Tell your girls there's more where that came from.

Mm.

...who you trust

to defend our freedom,

and to stay faithful to the Constitution.

Psst!

- Hey! - Hey.

Whatcha doing?

- I'm watching TV. - Oh.

No way. What are you watching?

None of your business.

- I love that show. - Oh, my God.

Hey, you, uh...

You wanna hang out and stuff?

Do I want to hang out and stuff?

Yeah.

What?

Do you want to hook up?

Do I want to hook up?

Do... Do you want to fuck?

Are you serious right now, Mikey?

Yeah, I'm serious, keep it down, your mom...

- Come on. - Okay, hurry.

Phew.

...and no scratches. Look! Burnt cheese...

Can I get a drag?

- Can I get... - Yeah.

Mm!

Your body looks good.

You been working out?

- What? - So...

We're done here.

What do you mean?

What? I can't sleep here?

No.

- Really? - Go back to the sofa.

Come on now.

Jesus. Oh, my God.

That was fun.

Sophie, I fucked your mom last night.

Oh, my God, can you keep it down?

- Oh, stop. - Shut your...

You love it.

Don't think this is going to become a regular thing.

Think you can cut the lawn today?

That's right, I'm back, I'm back in town,

you've seen me before.

Don't act like you ain't seen me,

she recognized me.

You know, uh, in high school,

I beat this guy's ass

- like 25 years ago. - No way.

We had a misunderstanding on the basketball court

over a basketball game.

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you! Happy... ♪

And to many more!

Mom, we just want to say happy birthday.

And we hope you have many more.

Thank you, honey!

- Yeah. - This one.

I guess you can set it down, thank you all for comin' out!

- Zena. Zena Valentine. - Yeah.

Zena. Melissa. Yeah.

Yeah, man, you were in a bunch of her scenes.

Uh, she was in a bunch of my scenes, technically.

But yeah, that was my girl after Lexi.

Bitch goes and marries

some rich software dork she met in Vegas.

I think they have a kid,

they live in Salt Lake or something.

Boring fucking life.

- Wow, man... - Yeah.

Who do you think discovered her?

I got her signed to Renegade,

I taught her the pole.

I dealt with her crazy

drugged-out ass for a year, man.

As soon as the bitch's head gets big, they betray you.

That's what happened with Lexi, you know?

- Really? Lexi? - Yep.

Jules Jordan bought her out from under me for 10 grand

the first chance he got, that fucker.

Wait, he bought her?

Yeah, he paid her 10 grand to betray me,

but the joke's on Jules, though.

She went from doing roxies to smokin' tar

the minute I wasn't there to straighten her ass out.

We were together for five years.

Five fuckin' years.

She won two AVNs under my watch.

She leaves me, bitch gets shot out in nine months,

couldn't book shit.

And then she goes, and moves in with mommy

exactly one year after she left me high and dry.

- Shit. - Yeah, shit is right.

Hey, is Whispers in Galveston still open?

You're not leaving that dirty glass in the sink.

- No, sir. - Okay.

Clean it up.

Okay.

That's right, we all do our share.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Wait. Where do you think you're going?

What about the others?

- Those are yours, too. - Lil, look. All right.

The last three houses I lived in had dishwashers,

I'm not doing the dishes.

- I don't do that shit, right? - You do not live here.

This is my kitchen.

If you can't follow the rules...

- Out! Out! Out! - Why are you talking to me

- like a little kid. - Hey, Lexi!

Don't you disrespect your mother-in-law!

Your mom's starting shit with me.

Can you please inform her I'm not a dick?

Why would I lie to my mother?

Oh, you, too, huh? Really?

You're just gonna turn on me like that, after...

I've been mowing the fucking lawn.

- Oh, my God. - What?

You've been mowing the lawn.

What? Yeah, I've been mowing the lawn.

- Jesus Christ, Mikey. - You've been leaving

dirty dishes in the sink.

You haven't given me a dime.

I know, but I'm going to pay you guys,

but look, I've been walkin' the dog.

- I'm providing protection. - She's an outside dog!

She doesn't need walkin', Mikey!

I'm providing security. I've been helpin' out.

We don't need security. Do we need a security guard, Mom?

- Oh, come on. - I didn't know that we hired

a security guard.

Yeah, you... You're safe now because I'm here.

You're always on my couch.

You've been drinking all my Ensures.

Listen, I'm trying to get a job.

You've been here for three weeks now!

I've been looking for a job the whole time.

- I want you out of here now. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait, wait. Listen, listen.

I know I said I'd help out with the rent.

- You did. You did. - No, wait a minute.

Let me finish.

I know I said I'd help out with the rent.

- Yeah. - So...

I'm not gonna help out with the rent.

Well, get the fuck out, then!

I'm gonna pay the whole goddamn thing!

- Now you're talkin'. - Uh-huh.

August is on Mikey, motherfuckers!

Yeah! Look how your eyes light up

like a little Christmas tree.

The whole month. The whole month.

- Yes, the whole month. - Okay.

So let's go get some fuckin' donuts, on me,

'cause I take care of shit around here.

And whatever fuckin' donuts you want, let's go.

I just wanted to get you guys taken care of, okay?

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

My favorite place.

I know, Lil. You love this place.

Yes.

I might have one bite. I don't know, I'll see.

You think it's too late for me to get coffee?

You can get coffee whenever you want.

I just don't think it's gonna be

the best coffee in the world, but...

Here, look. I even got the door. I got the door.

- I got the door. - Thank you.

- Here we are. - Mom, come on.

- Good evenin'. - Hello.

- Hello. - Whatever these ladies want.

- Okay. - I want donut holes,

and jelly filled donut, and a cappuccino.

There you go, make it a large.

- Give her an extra-large cup. - For here or to go?

- What do you want, for here? - Yeah.

- Do you want it here? - What do you think?

We're just gonna go,

we're gonna eat it just on the road?

Give her the largest cappuccino that you got,

- and whatever drink she wants. - I'll have a small coffee.

Give her a large. Get a... Now's the time. Get a large.

Yeah, I'll get a large coffee, and...

- And... - With lots of cream.

- Sure. - And a little bit of sugar.

What other donuts do you want?

- Um, I wanna have... - She wants a pink.

I want a pink... Yeah, pink sparkle, please.

Give her the pink sparkles. Whatever she wants.

And then I can get...

Ooh, can I get a chocolate, too? Can I get a chocolate?

- Thank you. - Whatever they want. Okay?

Donut holes, please.

Yeah, get the donut holes.

Yeah, this is the day to get everything you want.

This is the day that the Lord hath made.

- Mr. Moneybags here. - Thank you.

- Okay. - All right.

Look at that, huh? We got the holes, you're good.

Is that enough for you guys?

You should get it while we're here 'cause this is it.

All right. There you go. That's...

- Is that one yours? - Is that the cappuccino?

Okay, that's the cappuccino. This one's...

That's the biggest one they got.

I don't know what more you want me to do. All right.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

You guys go ahead and sit down.

I'll grab this. How much is that?

- $6:32. - $6:32. All right.

- Mm-hmm. - Mm.

Can I get some napkins, please?

- Thank you, yeah. - All righty.

And here's your change.

Thank you, kindly.

Mm. I'm going to save the pink sprinkle,

this one, for last.

This one, I don't know what to do with.

I don't know what to do with that one.

I don't know what to do with that, Ma. Look.

- All right, I'll have one. - Don't you feel like it? Okay.

- Just tear me half. - Eat the part that doesn't

- have the sprinkle on it. - I don't want the colored one,

just give me half of one of the donut balls.

- Half of a donut ball? - Why do they call it a hole?

I don't understand why it's a hole if it's the...

The hole is in the middle.

That's where it came out of.

Right. Okay, that makes sense.

This one doesn't have enough sprinkles on it.

See that?

What do you guys, uh...

Can you guys wrap this up? We got to get out of here.

- Okay. - Excuse me...

What... No, Mom. I am eating.

I am going to savor every goddamn sparkle on this donut.

- Keep it down. - What? She don't care.

I know but it's rude, we just came in...

I don't know why he's walkin' so fast.

- Just hurry up. - Must be a fire somewhere.

I'm full!

Come on, we're full of donuts.

- Okay, come on. - I gotta pee.

Stop act... You get so dramatic.

I'm not acting.

What, are you training for a marathon?

Lil, will you tell your daughter to...

Is this the Olympics?

- Jesus fucking Christ! - Are we going to a fire?

Fire? What do you mean? We're going home.

- I'm full! - I can't run

- in these shoes, Mikey. - All right.

I don't wanna throw up my cookies!

Oh, shit, I forgot... I forgot cigarettes.

Oh, I got a pack.

And I forgot rollin' papers. I'll be right back.

- All right. - Yep.

All right.

Psst!

Hello?

- Hi. - May I help you?

Hi. Yeah. Uh, the ginger that works here,

she works Tuesdays, no?

- Ginger? - Uh, red-haired girl.

- Raylee. - Raylee, yeah.

I called her ginger, but Raylee. Yeah, Raylee.

- Are you friend of hers? - Very good friends with her,

I just wanted to come say "hi."

I always get Tuesdays and Wednesdays mixed up. So...

Yeah, she doesn't work Tuesdays.

Right, okay. Yeah, I'll just give her a call

or a text or whatever.

But... But she does work Wednesdays, right?

- Yeah, she works Wednesdays. - Okay. Okay. Thought so, yeah.

- You want a donut? - Uh, how much?

Mm.

Top of the morning to ya.

Good morning, sir. What can I grab you?

Uh, it's Mikey, not sir. I'm not that old.

All right, pleased to meet you, Mikey.

- What's your name? - Uh, Raylee.

Raylee, that's a beautiful name.

- What do you recommend? - Depends on what you like.

- Um, custard one is good. - Mm.

- Jelly is sweet. - Hmm.

- Glazed is a favorite. - Ooh, is that your favorite?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, I might...

I might have to try that one.

Uh, what did the donuts do on their first date?

I beg your pardon?

What did the donuts do on their first date?

I don't know.

They glazed

into each other's eyes.

That's so stupid.

But I can't believe I haven't heard that one before.

Well, I wrote it, you couldn't have heard it.

I kinda write donut jokes

on the side. It's one of my many talents.

- Okay. - Yeah. But I'm thinkin',

I don't know, maybe I'll just go with the chocolate,

and gotta get some milk with...

Oh, you guys go ahead, I'm gonna need a minute.

- Thank you, buddy. - Hey. What can I grab ya?

I would like a large coffee, please.

- Mm-hmm. - Uh, one hazel cream,

- and two chocolate donuts. - Okay.

Help yourself to the cream.

And what can I get for you, sir?

I'll get a coffee black,

and a filled donut, and that'll be it for me.

Sweet. Can they share the same bag?

- Yes, that's fine. - All right.

Good to conserve.

All righty, and your coffee

is coming right up, sir.

- Good morning. - What's the damage?

Uh... $6.32.

- Here you go. - Out of ten.

Hey, Ms. Phan, can I get some help out here?

- Thank you. - Oh!

- Oh, there's your tip. - Thank you.

Next customer, please.

Hey, when do things slow down around here?

- Uh, excuse me? - What time does it wind down?

Uh, we are slammed until, like, 2:00-ish.

I'll see you at 2:00.

- Next customer, please. - Okay.

I'm sorry about that. Uh, what would you like?

I'm back, just like I promised.

I'm a man of my word,

so, in the future, you can always rely on me.

Mm. Back to tell more donut jokes?

No, that was actually the only donut joke I had,

and it took me a very long time to write that one.

It's all I got. Why, do you have any?

Actually, I do.

Um, what do you call a Jamaican donut?

Hmm, I like where this is going. Give me a minute.

Uh, Jamaican donut, huh? I'm stumped.

Cinnamaan.

- I got to go. - No.

No, no, seriously, that was really...

That hurt my feelings, that was terrible.

That's okay, I forgive you.

- So Raylee, I'm thinking... - Call me Strawberry.

- Call you what? - Strawberry.

- Strawberry? - Mm-hmm.

- Everybody calls me that. - You're kidding.

Okay. How old are you?

- Who's asking? - Me.

- Why? - Come on.

- I'm old enough. - For what?

Oh, God. I'll be 18 in three weeks, okay?

I knew it, you're too old for me.

Anyway, Strawberry.

I can't believe that's your name

I don't know what donut to get.

I need your help.

I really like the look of those donut holes.

And those, you know...

Do you frost, do you do the sprinkles, do you do those?

How... Who makes them?

I do the sprinkles, and I fill the cream.

- You fill the cream. - Yeah.

I just want the ones that you make.

- Okay. - I want the ones

that you cream-filled.

Does that sound... Oh, I don't want to get you in trouble.

I'm thinking maybe a chocolate round,

or maybe I'll get a strawberry-filled.

- No pun intended. - Oh, God.

I don't think she likes me very much.

I don't think she likes anyone very much.

Yeah, she's a mean boss.

Anyway, okay. So, yes, I've decided.

Chocolate round.

Okay, but you want chocolate sprinkles?

Chocolate cake?

Chocolate Bavarian cream?

There's all those different chocolates?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, no.

Now I got to stay here

for a few more hours and decide.

Son of a bitch.

Are you trying to keep me here?

'Cause I'll sit in the corner

and contemplate this for a while until you get off.

What time do you get off?

Oh, feels so fucking good!

Oh, shit! Fuck, yeah, babe!

- Yeah, you like that shit? - Oh, yeah.

You like that big dick inside of you,

- you fucking little slut. - God, I love this big dick.

- Not bad, huh? - No, not bad at all.

And I didn't even have to take one of my magic pills. Hmm.

Uh, I didn't know you were usin' 'em.

- Well, yeah. - Oh.

You remember how hard it is to keep wood on set all day.

Yeah.

Remember when Kristina Rose almost broke it off?

I do. I do.

I'm surprised it even works at all.

Oh, it sure works.

Oh, yeah.

Love the exterior decorating, sir.

It's looking spiffy.

All right, Dad, we'll be back around 5:00.

You think he remembers me?

Man, ever since my mom died,

all he cares about is keeping this place immaculate.

Matter of fact, I've been screwed out

of Male Performer of the year literally five times.

But you know what?

I don't say shit, it's all good.

I'm a team player.

Almost every single girl I did a scene with

started fucking me off-camera, right?

But the agents hate that shit.

But what do they expect? You know?

It's like, girl comes by my model house,

they see my Hall of Fame trophy on the mantelpiece.

They're like, "Oh, my God. He's famous for fucking."

Wait, you used to have your own model house?

I had three model houses, bro.

And the last one... Ooh, that was a savage-ass house.

Till I started letting agents book bottom bitches in there.

Bottom bitches?

Yeah, bottom bitches

are technically the best of the hookers,

but they're still the hookers,

and that's what they started sending me,

was the fucking hookers.

And that's when everything went to shit.

'Cause see, once a porn chick gets a hooker mentality,

they become a fucking nightmare.

A real pain in my ass.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Dude, I forgot how hot Gulf Coast bitches are.

I saw this girl over by the donut shop at the refinery.

She works there, smokin' hot.

Gorgeous, drop dead gorgeous.

And get this, 17 years old.

Legal as an eagle.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Hey, man, see that strip of land over there?

Yeah?

Them's the Texas Killing Fields, brother.

- Strawberry? - Yeah?

- You blaze, right? - Why, are you a cop?

- Let's go smoke one. - Hmm.

Hey, Ms. Phan. Can I take my ten?

So, what do you do in LA?

- I'm in entertainment. - I knew it.

You have that Hollywood vibe.

- Yeah, you think? - Yeah.

Oh.

So, what do you do in entertainment?

Manager slash agent.

Like, for actors?

Yeah. That weed is good, right?

If you or your friends want any,

I can get a whole bunch more, no problem.

So...

You live in Hollywood, managing actors,

but you're in Texas City, riding a bike,

sellin' weed, and hittin' on high schoolers?

Well, my Camaro is in LA.

You know, I wasn't going to drive all the way to Texas,

it's like a three-day drive.

All right, look,

I'm here taking care of my mom.

All right? She's not doing too well.

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

But you're a good son

- for being there for your mom. - I am.

By the way, who smokes joints anymore?

That's so old man-y.

That was fun, we should do that again sometime.

Yeah, I'll smoke your weed anytime.

Hey, by the way, you can move all your shit

on the hardhats from the refinery.

I see them at the end of their shift,

and they want to kill themselves.

See you later, alligator.

In a while, crocodile.

Did the dress designer

cause a prom queen to be late for the ball?

I went there, all he had

was the cut-out fabric and the applique sewn on.

That's all he had...

- Oh! Oh, shit! - Oh, my gosh.

I'm sorry!

Sorry, Lil. Aw, man!

I thought you found my couch comfy.

Oh, I do, I just... I sleep au naturel.

- Cut the shit. - My bad.

Mikey.

All seriousness.

I appreciate you taking care of the bills.

That way it keeps Lexi from being on the Craigslist.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yeah, I understand... Yeah.

So, I need to know, are you in or out?

If you're in,

I welcome you here.

All right, okay, great.

'Cause if you're out,

don't let the door hit you in the ass.

No, no. I'm in. I'm in.

- Okay, fine. - I'm paying the fucking rent,

- I pay for groceries... - This is about my baby.

I don't want her getting hurt anymore.

I don't want her doin' clients anymore.

It's too dangerous.

I never know when she's coming home.

So, it's up to you.

I'm in.

Okay? I'm in.

- Okay. Good, good. Good. - I'm here, all right?

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Anything else? Am I good to go?

Yes. As long as I don't see your junk anymore.

Deal.

Your mom's still a trip.

I know.

- In a good way. - Yeah.

She's a piece of work.

That smoke stack,

second one from the left, is that new?

Has that always been there?

No, that's always been there.

- Really? - Yeah.

Don't remember.

And Ma calls that one ol' smokey.

Oh.

It's my ex's truck.

He was supposed to pick it up two years ago.

Still hasn't.

Just needs new wheels.

Well, I know you guys get tested,

which is why I got this, synthetic piss.

I'll throw it in free with an ounce,

other than that, 10 bucks a pop.

But, yeah, I got you if you guys ever need it.

You know, I don't want you guys getting fired and shit.

Don't drink it.

I mean...

Unless you're into that kind of shit, right?

Good night, Ms. Phan!

- Good night. - Good night.

See you later, alligator.

Do you want a ride home?

- No, I'm good. - Throw it in the back.

Uh, well...

- Yeah? - Yeah. Throw it in the back.

Okay.

- Which way? - Uh, go left here. Go left.

We're getting close.

I really appreciate you driving me home.

Mm-hmm.

It's a nice area, huh?

Yeah, it's fancy.

I just wanted to buy my mom

something nice to retire in, you know?

That's real sweet of you.

Yeah.

All right. Yeah, it's right up here.

Hey, we're getting... Yep. Right up there. There it is.

Maybe we'll... Can you turn it down?

'Cause we don't... I don't want to wake up my mom.

Yeah. Whoa, this is fancy.

Yeah, it's nice.

I'd invite you in, but like I said,

you know, my mom's feelin' sick

and she don't take too kindly to strangers.

She's just not all there, up there right now.

No. Yeah.

Probably not a good idea, anyway.

Yeah. So thanks for the ride.

Anytime. I work on Wednesday.

Oh, well, I'll see you Wednesday.

- Okay. - Okay.

Look, I'm just glad

weed is still illegal in Texas.

You guys have no idea how hard it is

to move flower in Cali right now.

I mean, yeah, you know,

selling it to the bitches at my model house,

but besides that, felons and illegals.

Hey, don't mess with big oil.

TCPD kittens next to those Valero guys.

That goes without saying,

but you know, keeping it on the DL

has been the secret to my success all these years.

How do you think I stayed out of prison?

How do you think I never got shot?

Mom, where's the hot sauce?

Where the hell it always been.

No hot sauce, Mom. I don't see it.

Did you look in your bedroom?

You were eatin' pizza there...

- Oh, my God, Mom. - ...the other night.

I don't... I can't... Where's the hot sauce?

Why would he take it into his room?

You're laughin', but you were eatin' pizza there.

Mom, I've checked everywhere in the kitchen!

Where's the hot sauce? Hey, man.

What are you lookin' at? This ain't got nothin' to do

- with you. - Fine.

The world would collapse without me.

Did you check under your bed?

Hey, yo. So, I heard you do porn or something.

Five AVNs.

What? That's an STD?

No, no, no. It's the, uh...

It's the Adult Film Awards,

it's like the Academy Awards for what I do.

- Okay, man. That's what's up. - Yep.

Best Oral three years in a row.

- Best oral? - Yep!

Just one question.

Ain't that about getting head?

Well, I mean...

Yeah, something like that.

So, then what they got to do with you?

It's not like you're the one doing any work or anything.

I'm not doing the work?

Sister, let me tell you somethin'.

Hey, man, don't call me sister.

Oh, my bad. June, right, it's June?

All right, June, look,

if I won three years in a row, with three different girls,

the chances of it being the girl is pretty limited.

Think about it.

No, seriously, look.

I'm the one guiding the girl in the scene.

Essentially I'm face-fucking her.

Pardon my language.

So the female really has nothing to do with it.

You know, I'm the one that's holding her head

for like 15 or 20 minutes while I'm force-fucking her,

so how is that about her, exactly?

- I got it, man. - No, seriously.

Look, it's about the shit I say,

the way I hold her face towards the camera

while she spits, and drools all over herself,

and I pinch her nose and make her gag.

- It's all technique. - I said I got it.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Thanks, D.

Man, this place is off the chain.

Thank you so much for hooking this up.

My pleasure.

So tell me more about LA.

Maybe you should find out for yourself.

You think I have the money to go?

You got a truck, you can go anytime you want.

That's my mama's truck.

She just let's me use it 'cause she works from home.

Well, when I left Texas City, I didn't have a dime.

I just said to myself,

"Mikey, one day, you're gonna own this town."

And I just went for it, you know?

Mm.

What is he doing behind the counter?

He's going to help me with my SAT prep.

No free donuts.

Thank you.

So you were saying something about just going for it.

Are you trying to get fired?

I'm trying to get hired.

Are you going to help me score high on my SATs?

You get 600 points

just for signing your name, you know?

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Hiya! What can I get for ya today?

Hi, sweetie. Can I get, uh, two...

Two chocolate covered donuts and a medium coffee?

All right.

Good afternoon, sir.

You're crazy, you know that?

You could have just waited until now, you know?

Where's the fun in that?

Hmm.

Come here.

Yo, Lonnie!

Wait up!

What's up, man?

What up, big dog, where you going?

Man, some errands. I got to go to the mall,

- stuff like that. - Mm.

Cool. Cool. I'm rolling with you.

Uh, just warning you, man, I'm gonna be gone all day.

Just, uh... So if you don't want to go,

- I mean... - Whatever.

I just got to get the fuck out of here. Let's go.

She's smokin' hot. She made the first move.

She's got no dad.

And here's the kicker, she lets me sell weed

to the hardhats at her work.

I mean, does it get any better than this?

I didn't know you served.

Uh... Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did, man.

Thank you for your service.

Yeah, man, no, uh... No problem.

Man, this place ain't changed much in 15 years, Lonnie.

Yeah, I know, for real, man.

Hey, um...

I think I'm going to be hanging out over here

- for a while, okay? - Okay.

Yeah, I'll meet you back here in 30, all right?

- Thirty minutes? - Yeah, thirty.

All right, sounds good.

Oh, shit!

Ah...

Oh!

Whoo.

Oh, come on...

Whoo!

So what's this one, then?

Uh, that's the one I got when I was in Afghanistan.

And, uh, that's for my three tours in Iraq.

Bullshit. You're not even wearing

the proper infantry uniform.

Well, yeah, of course I am.

What's the Army Uniform Regulation?

The code.

Uh, to do my best,

to do my duty and to serve my country.

You sure it's not AR670-1?

Uh, well, as you guys know,

there's a lot of different codes in the military.

Stolen valor right here, folks.

This man is not a veteran. He's a fake and a fraud.

Give me those back, those are mine.

- Take your jacket off. - This is bullshit,

what do I have to do to convince y'all this is from...

Take it off or I'm gonna fucking kick your ass.

Hey, man.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.

Wait, what?

Really? I would think someone in your position

would know what that means.

Oh, shit. Yeah, man, I kinda had, like,

a little bathroom mishap in there.

Oh, man, little bathroom mishap.

Oh, you sure you didn't get pushed in the fountain?

Shit.

You fucking saw that, man?

Dude, I saw the whole fucking thing, bro!

You think I'm stupid?

I can't be associated with that shit, bro!

That's fucked up, that you would let me be a part

of your fucking bullshit scheme, dude!

I'm fuckin' pissed! Dude, what if someone recognized me?

People know who the fuck I am, dawg. That's wack.

You need help, bro. It's fucking scandalous, dude.

I'm sorry, man. Shit, my bad.

♪ I'll see all my friends In Hallelujah Square

♪ What a wonderful time We'll all have up there

♪ We'll sing and praise Jesus What a glory to share

♪ And you'll not see a cripple In Hallelujah Square

♪ And we'll all live forever In Hallelujah Square ♪

- Wow. - Yes!

That dope sure makes you guys religious, huh.

Just a friend.

Seems like a very friendly friend.

Yeah. It's whatever.

So I blew him at junior prom.

At junior prom?

No, not at, after. You know what I mean.

Anyways, I blew him at junior prom

and ever since then, he's been clingy as fuck.

Is he stalking you?

No. No, we hang and shit.

- You fuckin' him? - When I feel like it.

It's not like a real thing.

This guy thinks you're dating.

- No... - Raylee,

- I need you inside! - Okay!

And I told you not to smoke in front.

Sorry.

So you gonna keep fucking him?

That depends.

- Does he know that? - Mm-mm!

All right, what's this guy's name?

Nash.

Nash?

All right, look.

I think it's time Nash got it

that you guys aren't dating. Come on.

Wait, what?

God, this is crazy.

This is crazy, this is insane.

I can't believe we're doing this right now.

Like...

Like, maybe it's not such a good idea, you know.

It'll be quick and easy, he'll get the message.

Okay. But no fightin', okay?

I just wanna talk to him.

- You promise? - Mm-hmm.

This is crazy.

- Now what? - Is this the house?

- Yeah. - Mm.

Oh, my God!

Wow, that's his mom?

Hello, ma'am, would you be so kind

as to send Nash out, please?

- Raylee? - Hi, Mrs. Parker.

Nice necklace. Fucking dork.

What is this? What's going on?

Hey, buddy, I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but you ain't with Strawberry,

you never were, she's with me now.

- You understand? - Raylee, what is this?

I've been trying to tell you, Nash.

All right, look, bro, so you're not going to call her,

you're not going to text her

and you're not going to go by the Donut Hole anymore,

you understand me?

Raylee, come on, I need to talk to you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, bro. Hold on. Hold on.

Whoa, hey, no fightin', okay?

You stay in the car, babe.

All right, come here.

Google me, take out your phone right now

and google Mikey Saber. Do it, you got your phone on you?

What the fuck are you talking about?

- No fightin'! - Babe, it's okay.

20.1 million views on Pornhub, bro.

I'm not fuckin' with you.

Strawberry's in a different league now,

do you understand me? You can't compete

with someone that fucked 1,300 bitches,

do you get what I'm saying?

Hey, let's not cause a scene!

What are you doing? Who is this?

- Come on. - I'm with him now.

Yeah, you heard it from her mouth, she's with me.

Are you serious?

- Come on. - I'm sorry, dude.

- It was fun, though. - It wasn't fun.

Oh, my God!

Ah...

I'll see you tomorrow.

Yeah, you will.

Life's sweet, Sophie. Life is sweet.

X equals negative-b

plus or minus the square root of b-squared minus 4ac,

all over 2a.

Whoa. That's geometry?

Algebra.

Shit.

It's all right, relax.

No, that's Nash.

- That's Nash? - Mm-hmm.

Shit.

I think it's time I had a man-to-man with this kid.

No fightin'.

You know what, I'm tired of your fucking shit, bro.

I'm not afraid to fight you, I don't give a fuck.

Oh, what,

this is your mommy and daddy,

you brought them to the dance?

You can't handle your shit by yourself, huh, tough guy?

Sir, your son is fucking with my girlfriend.

It ain't cool...

You motherfucker!

What the fuck!

What the fuck, Nash, what the fuck!

I'm not with you anymore!

Fuck you, you cheated on me!

No, I didn't, we were never together! No! No!

You come to my home, threaten my son, motherfucker!

It took three of you to fuck me up, you're a pussy!

What are you talking about,

what do you mean you're not with him anymore?

From the start, I fuckin' said

I never wanted to be with you.

It was like a casual fucking thing!

Fuck that shit, you wanted me.

You're a little slut.

You're a fucking slut!

Hey, don't call my mama that, what the fuck?

You ain't got nothin' to say?

You come near my house again,

you'll be leaving in a body bag, bitch!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

He should go to the hospital.

Yeah, maybe you should go to the hospital?

No. It's not that bad,

and plus I don't have health insurance, anyway,

but thank you, Ms. Phan.

- Okay, now stop movin'. - All right.

There's no fighting in my parking lot.

He flat-out sucker-punched me.

I would have 100% out-cardio'd that guy.

Fuck. Sorry for swearing.

Oh. Oh, shit, be careful,

- that's where he kicked me. - I'm gonna come.

That's right where he kicked me.

That fuckin' little bitch. Oh.

Oh, shit. Ah, am I bleeding out of my head?

Fuck.

We're both going to be hurtin' tomorrow.

Why is that?

Let's just say you're blessed.

Uh-uh.

Yeah, I can't believe I'm attracted to a ginger.

You're not allowed to use the G word.

You have a type?

Maybe.

What's your type?

Let's just say

- I like men, not boys. - Mm.

Oh. Um...

I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong house.

Yeah, 'cause I saw you parked

in front of my house last night, too.

No, it's... It's a simple mistake. I'm new in town.

If I see you around here again...

No, no, no. It's okay. It's okay.

Honestly, if shit was different,

I could take over the industry with her.

- Think so? - Yeah.

Within six months, I could see her nabbing Best Newcomer.

One year and she would sweep the AVNs.

Tori Black... You know who Tori Black is?

Yeah, man, of course, I know who Tori Black is.

All right. Well, uh, she won Performer of the Year

two years, back to back, right?

I think that Strawberry's got the potential.

I'm not exaggerating,

- I really believe this. - Okay.

I think... I think she could win three years in a row.

With my guidance, of course.

Doesn't matter, I'm stuck in this shithole anyway.

Yeah, man, it's gonna be kind of awkward anyway,

she's gonna have to bang

all those other fucking guys on the scene.

I don't give a fuck.

I'll be fucking other bitches, bro.

Come on. I think it's hot, I don't care.

Okay, man.

I mean, seriously, it's part of the game.

- That was nice. - Mm-hmm.

You want to explain those bruises?

I fell off my bike.

Mm.

Must've been a hard fall.

Mm-hmm.

This is eight, I need ten.

I'm moving a lot of weight for you guys, huh?

I like those gold teeth.

I got one dia... I got one diamond,

I had my dentist in Cali put it in. So...

Yo, get your ass out of here, man.

All right, say hi to your mom for me.

These refinery boys are the best.

They buy way more weed

than these skaters and dancers I got to deal with.

- Dancers? - Yeah, from the titty bar.

Oh, strippers.

They prefer the term "dancers," young lady.

- Show some respect. - Okay.

Topless dancers.

Oh, bottomless, too. They got it all.

- Really? - Yeah, what, you never been?

Well, why would I have been?

Plus, I'm not even old enough to get in.

That's fine. You want to go?

Seriously?

Strip club virgin!

- Hello. - Hello.

- How old is she? - Eighteen.

Eighteen.

Twenty bucks.

You're hotter than all these girls combined.

If you worked here, they'd be out of a job.

You want to give her a tip?

Come on, let's go. Let's give it to 'em.

It's fun. Come on.

Right here. Right here.

- Here? - Yeah, pull in there.

I just gotta get some milk.

All right, well...

- Good night. - Oh, I can...

I can wait and drive you all the way home.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I like to ride my bike at night.

Okay.

But, technically, that was our first date.

So you just brought me to a strip joint

for our first date. Real classy.

Ooh, snap.

Mm. Well, I guess we got to do it again.

You want to go to the pier Friday night?

Beats liver and onions at Luby's.

I love Luby's.

So, friends,

it is with humility, determination,

and boundless confidence in America's promise...

...that I accept your nomination

for President of the United States!

All right,

Rich Snarkey is with us in Washington.

Rich, what are these new emails revealing?

Yeah?

Mm. Yeah?

Daddy want to play?

I don't know if I'm feeling it.

Oh, I can feel it. Mm.

Nice and fast.

I just don't think it's happening today.

Come on.

Don't you want to get in me?

Don't you want to get in this tight little pussy.

I don't feel it, I'm sorry. I'm just not feeling it.

Jesus Christ. Okay, okay.

- What? - It's fine.

Whatever. I didn't want to, anyway.

Lonnie!

Lonnie!

Lonnie! Lon... Lonniekins!

Hey!

Don't be tied up all day.

Hey, Lonniekins.

- Hey, Lexi, what's up? - Oh, not much.

- What are you doin'? - Oh, you know,

fartin' around with the old man.

- Oh, yeah. - Same shit, different day.

Oh, I know, I know.

What are you doin'?

I'm just, you know, gettin' some air.

Some sunshine.

So you and Mikey been hangin' out, huh?

Yeah. It's been fun having him in town.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

Is he giving you money for all those rides you're giving him?

Mm, no.

I mean, I don't mind, we're buds.

I know y'all don't have a set of wheels right now, so...

No, we don't, not right now.

Yeah, you been working out?

No.

- Oh. You look good. - Thanks.

You sure you haven't been working out?

I'm positive.

Can't call you "scrawny Lonnie" no more,

can I?

You keep Mikey out of trouble now, you hear?

I'll try.

Okay, I know you will.

Good seeing you.

Good seeing you. Take care.

There's a lot of rides,

we could do the roller-coaster.

Am I tall enough?

I think it's, like, 48 inches or whatever.

I'll give you 48 inches or whatever.

I'm sorry. That was too easy.

But I got you. It's like,

if you're scared, just grab onto me, you know.

I'll hold your hand.

So, after this,

are you gonna fuck me under the boardwalk?

You're such a little exhibitionist, you know that?

Look who's talking.

Wait, what do you mean?

You know what I mean.

Mr. Saber.

Oh, my God!

Mikey!

The second I broke up with Nash,

my Facebook blew up

with everyone and their fucking grandma

sending me links to your videos.

And you're cool with it?

Would I be here if I gave a shit?

I actually think it's kinda dope.

Hmm.

I think it's cool you just said,

"Fuck it, I'm gonna get paid

"for doing the thing I love most."

And as long as you're not hurtin' anybody,

you do you, man.

But if you give me something,

I swear to fuckin' God...

Us porn folk

are the most tested people on the whole planet.

I mean, think about it,

we got to get tested to work, you know?

Maybe I gave you somethin'?

Oh, don't even kid!

I posted a nude online once.

I can never tell if you're joking or if you're serious.

My friends and I were messing around

on that subreddit, Gone Wild.

We were just trying to see how much attention we could get.

We weren't even naked, we had,

like, our stuffed animals like that, you know?

But this old guy in Ohio

propositioned us to sell a nude pic.

And I did, and he Venmo'd me 60 bucks.

- Sixty bucks? - Mm-hmm.

You're a bad, bad girl.

But 60 bucks ain't shit.

You should get at least double that.

So were you planning on ever telling me?

Yeah.

It's not something you drop on a civilian.

A civilian? Is that what I am?

Yeah.

But you don't have to be.

For reals?

Look, I'm gonna be straight with you.

I've been in the business almost 20 years,

and nobody, nobody comes close to you.

Straight up, you could be a huge star, I'm just saying.

- You're funny. - Mm-hmm.

Look,

I'm already about to have a very awkward senior year.

Mm.

I'm not about to have a very awkward rest of my life.

Ah.

...but the second time

I fell out of the tree, remember?

I fell straight down on the ground and broke my arm,

so I had a leg broken and an arm broken.

And then Mom had to wheel me around in the shoppin' cart

for, like, a month...

And you loved that.

It was so embarrassing.

- Aw. - Hey!

- Hey, Mikey. - Hmm.

How you doing?

I'm good. What you doin' here?

Just catchin' up

- with Lil and Lexi. - Mm-hmm.

Catching up on some old stuff.

- Mm-hmm. - Shootin' the breeze.

- Sounds like it. - Yeah.

You should let me know next time,

I'll make some steaks. Hang out with you guys.

- Sounds great. - Yeah.

- Sounds like a plan. - Mm-hmm.

Ladies, I'mma get up outta here.

- It's getting late. - Oh, no. Already?

But your hospitality was good,

- the conversation was boss. - Aw.

- Okay, girls... - So good to see you.

Absolutely.

So good to see you again, Lele.

- You, too, my baby. - Please come back.

- I will. I will. - Don't be a stranger.

You take care of yourself, baby girl.

- You, too. - All right?

Be safe out there.

Mikey, I'm sure I'll see you soon.

Yeah, you will.

- Thanks, Lele. - Good night.

- Good night. - God bless you.

Did it come through?

Yeah. Bullshit.

You see her? She's fuckin' smokin', right?

You're not gonna believe this, dude.

- Her name is Strawberry. - What?

Fucking Strawberry.

You can't make this shit up, man.

- Strawberry? - Yeah. No, I...

Has there even been a Strawberry before?

She's my way back in, man, I'm tellin' you.

This is like a Jenna Jameson, Sasha Grey-level find here.

Aw, fuck, I'm blessed, I'm so fucking blessed.

See, this is my talent,

I could be a badass scout.

I got my finger on the pulse of the next generation, baby.

How do you know she's gonna be down for this, man?

Oh, she's down, trust me, she's down.

Plus, she sucks on my fingers while I'm fucking her, bro.

Oh, yeah? That's cool.

Yeah, it's cool. You know what that means?

She likes fingers?

You're so cute.

Means she likes having a dick in her mouth

while getting fucked. It's a telltale sign, bro.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

Any time a girl puts something in her mouth while fucking,

either they're familiar with that scenario

or they're intrigued by that scenario.

Think about it, man, it's just logic.

I never thought about it that way.

Yeah, man, no, that's what Lexi did.

You know, when we first started dating,

Lexi would suck on my fingers while I was fucking her.

That's what schooled me to the knowledge

that she'd slept with

more than one dude at a time before.

So when I proposed a threesome, she was in.

She didn't fight it, she fucking loved it.

- Huh. - Yeah.

Well, what do you think

Lexi is gonna think about all of this, though?

Dude, Lexi is the bane of my fucking existence, man.

Everything that has gone wrong in my life the last 15 years

pretty much stems back to her.

I've forgiven her over and over again.

I've overlooked so much shit in the name of forgiveness,

but it doesn't matter, she always fucks me...

Hey, how you doin', sir?

Go look up the Lexi Lane, Ashley Blue gangbang.

At the end, I'm fucking Ashley,

so I wasn't paying attention.

Lexi starts badmouthing me to the male talent on camera.

Saying that I'm limp dick and shit,

and that's a total fucking lie.

Of course I can get it up, right?

I didn't know this until the fucking DVD came out.

I wanted to knock that bitch out.

Anyway, don't say shit. That stays between us.

- I got you, brother. - You got the next set.

- Appreciate you. - Thank you.

So... I joined your Pornhub page.

You watching my scenes?

Checked out a few.

I watched the one you won Best Oral for.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Not that it's not hot watchin' you, but, like...

Yeah?

So the girl, plus all the guys she's blowin'...

Hello, Mr. Mikey.

Hey, Ms. Phan.

Uh, I swept outside and watered the plants for you.

Great.

So the girl, plus all the guys she's blowin', win the award?

Right.

But we all share it, the award.

Okay. But, like,

she's on her knees blowing a line of guys,

it's like her scene.

Why are you winning an award for it?

Okay, well, that's up for discussion.

Anyway, you shouldn't be watching that stuff.

You know, just pretend it doesn't exist.

Don't watch that stuff, it's not good.

I'm sorry.

- Did I hurt your feelings? - No. It's okay.

Sorry, I should have asked

if it was okay if I watched.

Hmm.

Well, if you do want to watch one,

check out The Fast and the Furious parody I did.

- Are you serious? - Hell yeah.

Fast and the Fury-ass.

- Yeah. - I love it.

Clever, right?

I play Brian O'Conner, that's Paul Walker's character.

Man, my acting was next level. Seriously.

I mean, my scenes were miles above the other scenes.

To this day, people will tweet me and be like,

"Oh, you were the perfect O'Conner."

I was actually even nominated for that role.

Best Supporting Actor in a Parody.

But I didn't win. It was the big snub of the night.

There was boos and everything. It was crazy.

And then Paul Walker goes and gets himself killed,

which is such a bummer

because then I'm fucked out of the sequels.

- That sucks. - Yeah.

So...

You want to come over this weekend?

Come over? What, to your place?

Yeah. We can spend Saturday night there.

Uh... Nah, nah, I'm not into

the whole meet-the-parents thing.

You think I'd introduce you to my mom?

Are you fucking kidding me? No. God, no! No.

She'll be out of town. She got a new boyfriend,

and they're going to Houston to fuck themselves silly.

So, we got the place to our own,

to fuck ourselves even sillier.

Ah!

- Mikey? - Yeah?

You haven't even asked about Eric once.

You got my Facebook message when it happened.

We chatted.

My heart goes out to you. It was a terrible thing.

So...

Any word on you getting custody or whatever?

Yeah.

Well, I was thinking...

I have a meetin' with CPS next week.

And I was thinking you could come with me

and we could tell the case worker...

Her name is Mary-Anne,

she's real nice and she's trying to help me out.

And we can tell her about how things are going well here

and, you know...

Like you and me, and all...

'Cause, I mean,

if things are going well with you and me and all,

and I can get a clean test...

And that's gonna happen?

No wonder they took him,

you're right back to where you were in '08 all over again.

Where's his dad in all this shit anyway?

Why doesn't he step the fuck up? Seriously.

Or better yet, why doesn't Leondria go with you,

being that she's so concerned with our fucking business.

You know what, fuck this place.

I'm going to go watch TV with your mom.

Don't judge, okay?

Why would I do that?

You're talking to a boy who grew up in Texas City,

so I'm not going to judge anything.

- This is it? - Yeah.

Oh. Uh, I take it back, this place is a shithole.

Can you take me home, please?

All right, ta-da.

- Wow. Luxurious. - Yeah.

Can't smoke in here, by the way,

- my mom's trying to quit. - That's okay.

- Is this you? - Yeah.

That's the first selfie I ever took.

- Mm. - Vintage.

- You want a Coke? - Yes.

And that's your mom?

Yep. And that's my grandma, and that's me.

And that's me. And that's me.

Cute.

What's back here?

- Ah, that's my mom's room. - Oh.

I am right here.

Wow. Wow.

Pink.

Pink.

It's supposed to make you happy or something.

Yeah.

Wow.

So, tell your mom I'm moving in.

You feel the sunshine?

By the way, what sign are you?

Why?

Uh... I mean, I don't even believe in astrology,

but I'm just asking.

A bad sign.

I don't believe in that shit, either.

Yeah.

You know, before this place was about black gold,

it was about black ivory.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I don't understand.

- Slave trade, silly. - Oh.

Slaves were sold here.

Some, like, famous French pirate ran the show.

A French pirate? I bet he had really good style.

I bet he dressed good.

When I was little, my mama would take me out here

and we'd go hunting for pirate booty.

Ooh.

- I love pirate booty. - Ooh.

Tell me more.

I'm coming to get ya.

Fuck!

This is prime Texas beef right here.

This might be the one thing this place has above LA.

Besides you, of course.

You're like an extraterrestrial around here.

When I look at you, I don't think Gulf Coast,

you know... Well, besides the sexy drawl.

You jerk. It's not that bad.

It's pretty bad.

Stop makin' fun of me.

I'm not. I had one, but I lost it,

after living in LA for a while, you lose it.

I remember being at work when I first got there,

these guys made fun of me 'cause I was like,

"Hi, I'm Mikey."

And they all said, "You sound like a dumb hick."

So, yeah, just lost it.

Well,

another year or so and I'm out of here.

- Why wait? - I told you. Moolah.

I didn't have any money when I left.

I have no friends. No connections.

I'll be your friend. I'll be your connection.

Don't fuck with me.

I'm not.

- This is nice. - Mm-hmm.

Hold up. I got an idea.

Whoa, what are you doing?

Let's shoot a scene, for us. Just for us.

All right, but if we do that, we're using my phone.

Why, you don't trust me?

Well, you could lose your phone, motherfucker.

You could lose your phone, motherfucker.

- Well, then it would be on me. - Mm, true dat.

Look at that, look at that.

You see that, you see how good you look?

You film here, take it. Take it.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

- That's so hot. - I know.

You're telling me.

Look at that, look at that,

you know how to play to the camera and everything.

You see how you make sure your face is always seen

and you're aware of the camera?

That's skill right there. That's crazy.

If this doesn't show you that you can be a star,

I don't know what will.

- You really think so? - I know so.

Hmm.

I'm not into that swinger stuff though.

- Swinger stuff? - Yeah.

I like fucking you,

and I don't want to fuck anybody else.

And I don't want to think about you fucking other girls.

It'll be just us.

It's called "couple scenes."

It'll be exclusive, just me and you.

Getting paid to do what we just did.

Shit, you would have made $2,000

- for that video right there. - Mm.

- How many times did you come? - Three times.

You would have been paid two grand to come three times.

I'm not that good at math,

but that's a really good deal.

I have to sleep on it,

but it's not like I don't already have the porn star name.

Right?

You play?

No, I eat off of it.

- You're such a smart-ass. - Yeah.

Yeah, since I was six.

You going to play me something?

- Gonna make me? - Mm-hmm. Hmm.

Okay.

♪ I'm doing this tonight

♪ You're probably Gonna start a fight

♪ I know this can't be right

♪ Hey, baby, come on

♪ I loved you endlessly

♪ When you weren't There for me

♪ So now it's time to leave And make it alone

♪ And I know That I can't take no more

♪ It ain't no lie

♪ I wanna see you Out that door

♪ Baby, bye, bye, bye

♪ Don't really want To make it tough

♪ I just want to tell you That I've had enough

♪ It might sound crazy But it ain't no lie

♪ Baby, bye, bye...

♪ I don't know The ending yet...

♪ Bye ♪

So...

Where were you?

I texted you. I was gone for the weekend.

I know.

That's not my question.

Where were you?

You serious right now?

Yeah, I'm fuckin' serious.

I was in this cute little town

called none of your fuckin' business Texas.

How about that's where I was.

- Oh, were ya? - Yeah.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

I hope you had a good fuckin' time!

What the fuck was that, huh? Huh? Huh?

Get your fuckin' hands off me!

Hey, Lil, come get your daughter!

- Huh? - Mikey, go fuck yourself!

Okay. Look! Look! Look! Look!

I was makin' us money, okay?

I had to go down to Corpus Christi to pick up some shit.

- For us! - Oh, I don't believe you!

- You don't believe me? - I don't fuckin' believe you!

You don't believe me?

Huh?

Four weeks ago, I had zip, huh.

Now I got 3K! Look at it!

Give me a fucking break!

When was the last time you had money like that

under your fucking roof, huh?

Now, if you want me to keep paying for rent and food,

shut the fuck up!

And I'm not cleaning that shit up, either!

She's in, man. She's fuckin' in!

- Yeah? She's in? - Yeah.

I'm still ironing out the details, but guaranteed,

I'll have her shooting scenes by September, baby!

That's pretty impressive though, man.

Three weeks, you convinced a girl to do porn?

Like, what the fuck.

I couldn't convince my first girlfriend

to give me a blowjob for three fucking years.

Hey, man,

what can I say, baby, I'm good at what I do. Ha-ha!

So that means you're going to be leaving?

Yeah, I'm leaving.

Well, when are you leaving?

Basically, I need enough to float us

until she starts shootin'.

I'm thinkin' I could have that by the end of August, easy.

Dude, it's going to suck for you to go.

I know, man, it's going to suck

not hanging with you, anymore, Lonnie.

You're my guy! But, dude,

I'm on top of my game right now,

on, like, every single possible level.

Physical stamina, my mind is sharp.

Now that I'm making money,

I'm taking 5-HTP for serotonin in my brain.

Dude, with my skill and ability

and my eidetic memory shit,

there's no denying what I could do.

The universe is on my side, bro.

Yeah?

Saber Entertainment's first signed contract girl.

Strawberry! Huh? You like that?

I do, yeah.

Just Strawberry. No need for anything fancy,

all the biggest celebrities have one name.

Cher. Prince. Madonna.

Ooh, I'm getting a LLC for Saber Entertainment.

- Yeah? - I had a DBA for Mikey Saber,

but, uh, I didn't pay my annual fees, so it expired,

and I had a falling out with my old business partner.

But I do have Mike Saber trademarked.

- That's cool. - Yeah.

Oh, it's going to be a big announcement at AdultCon, bro.

- Yeah? - Yeah, dude.

You know what, this small-town life,

it just ain't for me, man.

No offense. But, like, I'm a big-city guy, you know.

Dude, if you want, I can hook you up with Leondria

so you can have my clientele.

- Hell yeah! - Yeah.

I just don't want you selling fuckin' flags

for the rest of your life, you know what I mean?

Oh, here's the exit right here, bro!

Fuck! Shit! What the fuck!

Dude, we're fucked, dude, we're fucked!

I fuckin' know, man.

We're fucked! We're fucked!

Oh, my God, Lonnie,

why'd you fuckin' pull off like that, man?

I didn't do anything, man,

I just fuckin' took the turn

like you fuckin' asked me to, man!

Stop the car, man. Stop the fucking car.

Stop the fucking car! Stop!

Where you going?

Crap! Fuck!

Listen. Listen!

Asshole, look at me.

I was never with you.

You don't know me. I don't know you.

This never happened. Are you listening to me?

What are we going to do?

"We"? You did this, not me!

Look at me, you don't know me. Say it. Say it.

You don't know me, say it.

I don't know you, man.

Fuck!

Jesus Christ! What the fuck, Mikey!

Fuck.

Mikey?

- Yeah, no, I'm fine. - You okay?

Yeah, I'm okay, thanks.

You scared the shit out of me.

I know. I just don't feel good.

- Are you sure you're okay? - Yup, thank you.

According to authorities,

the 22-car pileup was caused

by a reckless driver that fled the scene.

I hope they find who's responsible for this.

Better not be a drunk driver.

Oh, they will find them.

They'll do some kind of CS stuff. Investigation.

Can you guys keep it down? I can't hear.

- Oh, man. - Geez, I'm sorry,

Mikey gives a shit about something...

Shut up. I can't hear the announcer.

I can't hear anything 'cause you're talking!

Seriously, that's tragic shit, you guys are joking around.

Jesus Christ.

Witnesses say...

...that the reckless driver crossed from the far left lane

in front of a semitruck,

causing the truck to jackknife,

resulting in a chain-reaction crash

that came out of nowhere.

Hey.

Hey. How you doing?

Yeah. Everything's good.

Uh... Yeah, we were just watching the news.

Shit's crazy, right?

I know.

Um, look, some business stuff came up,

so I'm not sure I can make it tonight.

No, no, it's all good,

just some business stuff I got to take care of.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay, bye.

Mikey! Mikey!

Oh, my God, there's fuckin' cops

outside of fuckin' Lonnie's!

Something's goin' down!

- What? - Come quick,

there's cops next door, oh, my gosh!

The sheriff's here, too!

Holy shit.

Those sarge are gorgeous.

This is fuckin' crazy.

Oh, my God, Ma, the news. Fucking news is...

- I'm gonna go check it out. - Wait...

Come on.

Mom, come on.

Thank you, Nathan.

Texas city resident, Lonnifer Hill,

is in custody at the Galveston County Jail.

He is scheduled to make

his court appearance this afternoon...

- Morning. - Morning.

According to his attorney,

a bond is not being considered at this time.

Thank you, Lily.

Of the 14 individuals taken to hospitals,

eight are still being treated.

There will be a lot of investigation

into every action that led to this.

I'm gonna get some milk.

One of the State Representatives...

- Okay. - ...of this area,

Blake Farenthold, has told News 12...

Hey, watch your bike there, man.

I mean, the cars just kept coming and coming.

De Leo made it out, untouched, but shaken.

That had to be so scary for those drivers.

Channel 5 spoke to the neighbor of the individual

allegedly responsible for the incident last night.

It's shocking! I mean, I've known him forever.

They got him, man. Son of a bitch!

- He's the sweetest guy... - $3.

...always shy, but nice. Great, great neighbor.

Hey. They've been playing my interview all morning.

I should have put on some makeup.

Looked like shit.

Mr. Hill has no prior convictions,

however, this isn't his first run-in

with the Galveston County District Attorney's Office.

In 2014, Mr. Hill had "stolen valor" charges

filed against him which were subsequently dropped.

That's all for now.

Oh, Lonnie's fucked.

State Highway 146 in Texas City remains closed

while cleanup crews continue to remove

wreckage from the southbound lanes.

Mikey, I'm fixin' to make supper,

what would you like?

Shit on a shingle or chicken fried steak?

I ain't hungry, Lil.

Suit yourself.

Uh-huh. No, I, uh, miss you, too.

I'm just tied up at work with a client for a little bit,

but, yeah, I should be able to meet up soon.

- Three, two, one. - Uh-huh.

- Okay. - This is the residence

of Lonnie Hill, the driver responsible

for the chain-reaction crash

that took place on Highway 146,

- on Tuesday. - No, everything's fine.

Okay. Uh, babe, I gotta go. Let me hit you right back.

We have not received any comments from his family

at this time.

Okay, let's do it again.

Yo!

Lonnie's lawyer's talking!

My client, Lonnifer Hill,

will remain in custody for the time being,

but he is cooperating fully

with the Galveston County Police Department.

My client has prepared a statement

that I would like to read.

"My error of judgement

"has led to irreversible ramifications,

"and I am deeply sorry to those I've affected and hurt.

"I panicked

"and wrongfully left a crash site.

"I take full responsibility for my actions

"and will accept the consequences.

"Thank you."

Three individuals

who sustained serious bodily injury

remain under close observation at John Sealy Hospital.

Back to you in the studio.

Sweet little Lonniekins.

What did you do?

...has the latest on the race for 2016.

Within hours, a new poll

showing Hillary Clinton with a solid lead in the race

for the White House, Donald Trump declares this.

I'm afraid

the election is gonna be rigged. I have to be honest.

Thank you! Fuck!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank...

Yeah.

All right.

Strawberry, our lives are about to...

Hello, stranger.

Oh. Sorry, guys. Sorry, Ms. Phan.

Strawberry, I need to talk to you outside now. Come.

Look. I've been doing some real soul-searching.

That pileup that happened the other day,

that shit affected me. Life could change on a dime.

You could have been

in one of those cars.

I could have been in one of those cars.

Life would be so different right now.

Look, I was gonna wait a few weeks to ask you,

but I'm not wasting

any more time.

- Are you proposing to me? - What?

Are you proposing to me?

No! Here.

Look, we gotta get out of here.

That shit that happened on 146, that was a sign.

To do what makes you happy today.

Because there might not be a tomorrow.

Look, I want you to celebrate

your 18th birthday in LA with me.

I want you to follow your destiny, and I wanna be

right there next to you to help you follow it.

So what do you say?

Let's start a new life together

and get the fuck outta this dead-end shit-hole town, okay?

Do you mean, like, now?

Well, we'll leave tomorrow

and we'll be in LA by Monday, babe.

Oh, my God! Mikey!

- I think I'm dreaming! - Me, too!

Ms. Phan, I have to quit.

I love you guys, but I'm going to LA with Mikey.

Thank you for all the free donuts, Ms. Phan.

So we're gonna leave at 10:00 a.m., okay?

I'm gonna get a car, I'm gonna pick you up...

- You got a car? - Oh, I mean get a taxi.

I'm gonna have a taxi pick us up

and take us to the station,

and we're taking a bus to Hollywood, baby.

- Okay. - So just be packed

and ready to go at 10:00, but just bring one bag,

'cause when we get to LA,

we're going to buy all new shit.

- Mikey? - Yeah?

You make me so happy.

- Hey. - Hey.

Mm-hmm.

- Is Lil here? She's... - She's sleeping.

Uh...

It's been a crazy month, huh?

Sure has.

Poor Lonnie.

- Oh, God, so sad. - So fucked up.

- I hope he's all right. - Yeah, me, too.

Uh...

Yeah, it's just been so wild,

we've been fighting and all that stuff.

Yeah.

I'm not... I'm not really in the mood.

Huh?

I'm not really in the mood to mess around.

Oh.

- Yeah. - Just saying.

- Okay. - Okay.

Just been fighting a lot,

been a lot of drama lately. And, uh...

We don't want to fight, you know what I mean.

I know you don't want that. I don't want that.

So...

Yeah.

Look, I'm...

I'm just gonna tell ya,

I'm going back to California in the morning.

So...

- I mean... - You're going back

- to California. - Yeah.

I got some work,

so that's good. And...

Uh...

You know, this has not been going good with us.

It's so much drama, throwing coffee pots.

We don't need that, you know. And...

But this has been fun.

You know, we had some good times. I know...

Just feels like, uh...

Just feels like it's time to go, you know?

I'm sure Lil's ready for me to go. I...

Yeah.

I don't want to fight with you,

you know what I mean,

but we had good times, as always.

And thank you for the hospitality.

It's been great. So...

You know, I wanted to tell you and Lil together,

but I guess I could just tell her in the morning,

before I go. Or if I...

I don't see her, I can...

I'll call her or something, and thank her. But...

So I'm gonna go to bed.

Okay? We're good?

You understand.

Aw, look at this cutie pie.

Aw.

Hey, yo, B, hit the light.

Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey!

- Yo! - Ahh! Ah, what the fuck!

Oh, look out, it's me!

Look at this scared motherfucker, man.

June?

It's me, homeboy.

- What the fuck? - That's right.

What... What are you doing here?

Money. Weed.

Get your shit and get the fuck out!

June, what the fuck, I'm good with your mama.

What are you talking about? I'm not giving you shit.

You good with my mama? Yeah, nah. See...

This is your eviction notice, Mikey.

I don't think you got the message.

No, wait, what the fuck are you talking about?

- I'm good with your mama... - She sent us here.

Give me my phone, I'm calling Leondria.

That shit's not an option.

Where the hell the money at?

No, fuck you, I'm not giving you shit!

- Fuck me? - I'm not telling you

- where my fucking money is. - Fuck me?

- It's under the mattress! - Yo, go ahead.

What the hell are you doing?

- Damn! - What the fuck!

- What are you doing, man? - What the fuck, man!

Motherfucker's naked!

The money's under the mattress!

Shut the fuck up! What are you doing? No!

On the other side, it's under the mattress.

Go and get that, B.

This motherfucker is layin' on the bed.

Get that money! Get that money!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, Mikey.

Don't! Stop! Stop!

That's my money! Hey, that's my fuckin' money!

What are you doing?

Look, I was gonna leave tomorrow,

give me that shit back. Come on, June. Be cool.

- I want you out tonight. - Oh, fuck you, Lil!

I don't give a fuck about you!

- Yeah fuck you! - I don't give a fuck

about nothin' that they got goin' on over here.

I'm here for a motherfuckin' job.

- Give me that shit back! - Get your ass back!

- What are you doing? - Thank you so much.

Get dressed, man!

I see, you bitches played me.

Look at all this money...

Oh, this is fuckin' great! This is just great!

- Fuck you! - So much fuckin' money!

I can't believe she called me over here for this shit, man!

Fuck you, I paid for August rent!

Give me some of that back!

Now give me my mom weed, homeboy!

I'm not telling you where the weed's at!

I'mma fuck you up!

You got my money, you're not getting my weed!

It's right over there actually.

You fuckin' bitch!

Ernesto, you get...

- God... - Oh, it's so hot

in here. Ma, are you hot? Oh, Ma, it's so hot.

I'll fucking lunge kick you and your mom!

Oh, will you? You got a green belt?

You gonna do some of those moves?

- Fuck you, bitch! - Shut the fuck up!

- Relax, Ernesto! - Get him out, guys.

Now get your shit and get out.

That's right. It's time to go.

And don't even think about stepping foot

in Texas City again. You got me?

Ain't no lie, baby, bye, bye, bye.

Can I put my clothes on, please,

can you just give me some privacy

so I can put my clothes on, please?

You got 30 motherfuckin' seconds, homeboy.

Thirty seconds 'cause you wasting my time.

Okay.

That's less than a minute, Mikey.

Yeah, I'll give you less than a minute.

Less than a motherfuckin' minute.

I'll give you less than a fuckin' minute.

Thirty seconds starts now.

- You hear me? 30 seconds. - Yup.

Thank you. All right, let me get changed. Jesus.

Motherfucker.

Look at all this money.

Hurry the the fuck up, you nasty bitch.

One, two...

...three, four, five, six, seven, eight,

nine... Thirty!

Oh, man.

Mama's gonna kill me.

Leondria!

Shit. Open up!

- Whoa! - Shit.

- Oh! - Okay, sorry.

Oh, fuck this! What are you doing?

- We gotta talk. - Where's June?

- What do you mean? You sent... - Wait! I don't...

Listen. Go in the back.

Okay. Can... Can I have a towel?

Hell no! Go that way.

Fuck this.

Cover that shit up, boy.

Okay, look, yeah, you want me to admit it,

I was selling to the hardhats.

I know you told me not to, but they're good customers.

They're good guys.

I... I... You got their money.

Yes?

Yeah. Out back.

You're persona non grata.

You know what that means, Mr. Hollywood?

Yes. Yes, I know what that means. But why?

I'm looking out for Lil.

And that's all you need to know.

Goddamn sabotage.

- Okay. - Whatever.

Oh, great, the goonette squad.

Look at them go.

All right, Ma, man, this nigga jumped out the window.

Is Lil and Lexi okay?

They're fine.

Hey, man, shut the fuck up.

Look, that house is crazy.

Everybody over there screamin' and cryin',

this motherfucker with his junk swingin' everywhere.

This lazy bastard not doin' shit.

- Besides sittin' on your ass. - Shit, I do a lot.

I showed up, man, I'm the fuckin' muscle.

And your lazy ass,

all you did was get the money.

And then you were just watchin'.

Nobody told me I was going to be draggin'

a freakin' butt-naked dude out the bed.

Man, you ain't even do shit, anyways.

I don't need you coming on no runs with me.

You ain't nothin' but deadweight, motherfucker.

Okay. That's cool. It's all good.

Mom, you gonna let her talk to me like that?

Hell yeah, I'mma talk to you like that.

- Listen... - She can't save you.

- Time-out. - Okay.

- Lazy motherfucker. - Time the fuck out.

Yeah, you guys are on time-out.

- Shut up. - Shut up, bro. Zip it.

Mom...

This incident ruined my night.

One of my buddies had a party at Oceans,

I could have been there.

But I gotta come and deal with this bullshit!

You see? Constant complaining.

You were there to protect your sister.

He not coming with me no more.

A'ight, well, I'm done with this shit.

You should've stayed your ass at home.

You know what?

We havin' a family meeting after this.

- Family meeting? - Point-blank.

- You serious? - We need a meeting.

You can take that information

and do what you want with it.

You ain't going to that fucked-up club.

You ain't goin' nowhere.

Homeboy, you gon' sit right here and roll with us.

We need a meeting.

Now back to you.

Yeah, yeah, back to the sabotage.

Whatever you wanna call it. It's over with.

That was between me and Lexi. Seriously, what the fuck.

At the end of the day,

it's about you getting up out of Texas.

It's time for you to bounce.

Yeah, I'm fixin' to,

but I was gonna leave in the morning,

I need money to do that.

Well, maybe you could go sell one of your fuck trophies.

Hey, watch your mouth in front of Mom.

What's wrong with you?

Did you give him his 200?

I was, but then his punk-ass jumped out the window.

Two hundred, that's it?

That's enough to get you a bus ticket

far beyond the state line.

After everything I did for you.

Two hundred. Wow.

Be gone by midday.

- Thank your mom for me. - I sure will.

Maybe you oughta come by our house sometime.

Yeah, that would be nice.

Yeah, you and Lex, y'all come on over,

we can, you know, barbeque,

- drink some beer. - Oh, that would be great.

You know, I should be taking

the backpack that you gave me,

but, no, I'll take... I'll use this.

You want me to walk down the street

with a garbage bag? Fine.

Yeah, you should.

- Fuckin' bullshit. - Like a hobo.

Threw my clothes in there all fucked up,

I'm gonna fold my clothes

so when I leave, they're not wrinkled.

Me and him got in a fight about 25 years ago.

Really?

I whupped his ass in high school.

- I'm sure he deserved it. - Yeah.

I'm gonna take my time.

- Let's see how you fold. - Yeah, watch.

- Oh, look at that fold... - Oh, my God.

Oh, you should work at the Gap.

Man, y'all get tired of this shit, man?

- No, I love it. - Y'all get tired of this shit?

Lil, you're a good woman, Lil.

- Thank you. - You really are.

Good seeing you again.

Fuckin' dumb bitch. All this...

- Man, hurry the fuck up! - June, relax! What the fuck!

That's right, hurry up. Thank you, June!

- All right! Jesus. - Get your shit, come on.

June!

There's been a lot of drama here.

Oh, no, no, no, you're not taking big stripes!

- Your big stripes... - No, no!

I have the 64-ounce one!

And I took favorite shirt, fuck you.

...for you, in here, Mikey, get the fuck...

- Come on! - Go sit down!

I'm taking my toothbrush!

Don't pretend you brush your teeth.

- Shut up! Relax, June, damn. - Oh, my God.

All right, I'm going.

Uh, Lil, seriously, thank you so much for letting me stay,

I had an amazing time,

and you and your daughter are dumb bitches.

- Don't say that. - Piece of shit.

That is not right.

- Get the fuck out! - I gotta get water

before I leave 'cause I'm gonna be thirsty!

You gotta go, man.

I bought this. I bought this ashtray!

No, I said when I got, I can take it back.

- Hey, let's go. - You did not!

- There's no take-backs! - Fine. Fine.

Get outta here, man.

I should have beat your ass in high school.

Too bad it was the other way around, huh?

- Yeah. - You want to go another round?

Nah. You know what?

I got one last thing to say to all you guys.

- Man, shut your bitch-ass up. - Shut up!

- Shut the fuck up. - Leave.

Not another word out of your mouth!

Now get the fuck out, you suitcase pimp.

What'd you say?

You heard me. Suitcase pimp.

Say that shit again.

Homeless suitcase pimp.

Hmm.

Just go ahead and leave, dude.

What the...

- He's outta here, babe. - He's outta here.

No more.

Ah, that was nothin' but trouble.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull