All language subtitles for Piglets s01e06 Change of Heart.eng

OK, just need to take a few details.

Can I start by taking your name?

Er, yes, it's Lindsey.
Lindsey Brown.

OK, Lindsey, Lindsey Brown.
Is that your vehicle out there?

The 2012 Ford Focus
with the faulty brake light?

Erm, yes, I'm getting it fixed.
Good, make sure you do.

Let's start at the beginning.

Well, your Rishi is settling in
very well. Mm-hm.

He's made some friends,
which, first time at a new school,

it's never easy.

Is he getting good marks, though?

LINDSEY INHALES
How good is "good"?

Good enough to go to Oxford at 12,

become CEO
of a major international bank

and treat me to a yearly
round-the-world cruise

without my husband.

He did this lovely picture
of a butterfly.

Mm. That's a start.

Hi. Ah! Now, I never forget a face.
Oh.

It's, er, Mr Lapland, isn't it?

HE LAUGHS
Former trainee.

Yeah, no. Listen, I was wondering
if you could do me a favour.

Not something I do, as a rule.

Actually, not something
I've ever done, now I think of it.

OK, look, I know that
you're a rash, impulsive woman.

That's what I love about you,
but inevitably,

there will be a day where
you make a decision you regret.

I regret having you
in the first place.

Now you sound like my mum.

I am not your therapist, Legland.
OK. Erm, right...

Look, well, seeing as my parents
have let you have discretion,

what if was to apologise
for Daz's groin?

You know, maybe kiss it better?
Oh, dear. Have we changed our mind?

Do we suddenly want to stay
and do the nasty "twaining"?

I wouldn't put it that strongly,
but, er, I would say

that I'm prepared
to give it another chance. Hm.

Well, what about the backchat?
The relentless wit and repartee?

I'll let you continue that,
within reason.

Mm. You drive a hard bargain.
No, I drive a Honda Civic.

And we're off.
So am I back?

Get lost.
Is that a yes?

Trot on, fuck pig.
Thanks, babe!

All right, mate.
How was your drama group last night?

Yeah, good, man.
You know, we worked on being sad,

but as our favourite animal,
so I had... Hang on.

What?
What you doing here?

Well, this is the way
to the lockers, right?

But you left us, mate, remember?
What, left this place? What?!

Thought you said
you were chucked out.

Ah, that. Yeah, mate,
that was a joke, all right?

Obviously.
That's such a relief!

No, I kinda knew
you were winding us up.

No, you didn't, Paul.

All right, I didn't, but I wished
really hard that he was, so...

Leggo! You're still with us.

Let me guess, you've always known.

What? Known what?
Dunno. Everything.

Stephanie knows everything.

ENTHUSIASTICALLY: Hey!
LAUGHING: What was that?

You're not supposed to be here.

Yeah, well,
you sound glad that I am.

What? No.

What, so that "Hey" was like, "Hey!
Oh, shit, that fucker's back."

No, not exactly. It was
just a... a reaction of surprise.

OK, let's hear it again.
DISINTERESTEDLY: Hey.

Oh, come on,
it wasn't quite like that.

Again.
FEIGNING INTEREST: H... Hey.

Mm, yeah, better.

How come you're back?
Love.

I just love the place.

They also begged me not to go.

They didn't wanna lose
their brightest student.

Why would they lose me?
HE SCOFFS

I guess, if I was gone, they'd just
assume you'd died of a broken heart.

Big announcement today.
Oh, you getting engaged?

Well, not as far as I know.
I think Melanie is referring to

the new Director of Training
announcement.

Yeah, I know she is, Bob,
because I'm across that kinda thing,

and I don't need Melanie kicking me
up the arse to remind me.

Well, good luck, both of us.
And may the best man win.

I am more man than he will ever be,

and I'm strangely confident
that luck won't come into it

now that I've identified
the infiltrator.

MELANIE GASPS
Thanks for playing,

and remember, nobody goes home
empty-handed on this show.

Oh, no, hang on. You do.
But did you have a good time?

Oh, yes, I have, thank you.
Yes. Been amazing.

No, no, no, don't say that.
What...? I forgot, yes.

Have...? Thanks for playing, Julie.
Have you had a good time?

Have you got one single
original thought in your head?

Well, I... Have I, Melanie?

All right, kiddies.

So, today, we're working
on cardio pulmonary resuscitation,

aka C-P-R. Yeah?

We're supposed to have
a rescue dummy, but Daz borrowed it.

Hasn't brought it back.
Not sure why.

BOTH: Sex.

So, er, one of each pair
lie on the floor,

the other one kneel
next to them, yeah?

Now, following chest compressions,

we wanna begin giving
rescue breaths.

Now, to ensure
that the airways are open,

you wanna tilt the head back
and lift the chin.

Go on.

Er, no, no, no. No, that's wrong.
That's wrong, that.

Why is that wrong?
Er, it's... it's wrong.

The thing that you were doing
was wrong.

Erm, let's, er...
Somebody else swap in.

I tell you what, Huggins,
up you get.

You swap with Steph...
Student Officer Jackson. All right.

I don't... Why can't I just do it?

No, just cos... faulty technique.
All right, down you get.

So, like I said,
to ensure that the airways are open,

you wanna tilt the head back
and lift the chin.

Right, head back.

OK, now, to make sure
the airways are clear,

you wanna blow
into the subject's mouth.

Yeah, nah, I'm not sure about this.
My airways are completely clear.

They do sound pretty clear.
I mean, he is talking.

Huggins, give two rescue breaths,

and watch his chest to see
if it rises. Yeah?

Really?

OK.
O... OK.

There you go.
Just do it.

All right.
Oh, God.

SQUELCHING

Are his airways clear?
Yes.

How d'you know? I didn't see you
check his chest to see if it rises.

Well, I felt them with my tongue.
You what?

Yeah, just, like, put my tongue
down his throat, wiggled it,

felt about a little bit, seen
what bits and bobs were in there,

and, no, nothing.
No blockages detected.

You're not supposed to use
your tongue,

you just blow down
and check to see if his chest rises.

What...? Oh. Oh,
I did not know that. Sorry, mate.

All right,
you can get up now, Legland.

Legland!
GEETA: I think he's fainted.

No, he's only pissing about.
He's fine.

My God, it's like
Sleeping Beauty in reverse.

Would that be, like, manslaughter?
For God's sake, he's...

Leggo?

Leg... Oh, my God. Leggo!

Leggo?
HE GASPS

THEY GASP
Jesus!

I could be.
Was I dead for three days?

SHE BREATHES HEAVILY

Get off.

Right. The panel meets at three.

I'll give you one last chance
to tell me who the traitor is or...

else.

Did Melanie make you say that?
Not to tell you that.

No, and I'm not telling you
who the traitor is.

Is it... Is it...
Is it Stephanie Jackson?

Why her? I don't know.
Something to do with...

It's her hair.
No, you're never gonna guess.

And anyway, even if you did guess,

I wouldn't tell you
if you were right.

Is it Legland?
Never liked the cut of his jib.

Legland has just been spending
the last two weeks

trying to get out of here.

Does that really strike you
as mole behaviour?

Well, not unless he was tunnelling,
I suppose.

My God, you wouldn't guess it
if it was staring you in the face.

Oh, my God, is it you?
Jesus, no, it is not me.

Why would I be doing all of this
if it was me?

Cos someone's... injected you
with a truth syrup.

No.

I don't know. I don't know.
I give up.

You're a police officer, Bob.
You're not supposed to give up.

I know. Is it...
Is it the Home Secretary?

Not a student at this college.
Is it... Is it Jason Bourne?

Fictional.
Are you sure? Yes.

In any case, I've already sent off
the name to the powers that be.

This invaluable intel will be
the clincher

for anybody
who wants Cunningham's job.

Well, for your information,
I actually do know who it is.

Just said Jason fucking Bourne.

Steph.

Bet you're looking forward to that
criminal psychology module, yeah?

OK, you're gonna say I'd be great

at getting inside the head
of a deranged stalker.

I mean, nice idea,
but, er, I wasn't.

Yeah.
Well, that was the old Steph.

Well, maybe the new Steph fancies
a drink later.

Sorry, what? I'm... I'm actually
just getting confused now

cos there's old Steph, new Steph,
Steph A, Steph B... I meant you.

Me what?
A drink, you know, in the bar.

W-With you there as well?
That's the idea, yeah.

I... I don't think
that's a good idea.

Wh... Why not?

Because, Mike,
you messed me about all this time.

Why should I trust you?
Because I'm a policeman, yeah?

Yeah, you were a policeman
when you messed me about.

OK, but just a quick little drink.
What are you so worried about?

Closure.
It's open till half ten.

No, I mean, been there, done that.

OK, it doesn't have to be that bar.
We can go to the place...

Right, OK, yeah.
I'll think about it, OK?

I will... I'll get back to you.

WHISPERS: Yes!

No, it's all quiet over here.

Out the ordinary? No, nothing.

No, cos listen to this, I talked my
way out of a tricky spot yesterday.

Yeah, no-one's sussing me,
I promise.

Gotten away with it. Cheers.
DOOR SLAMS OPEN

On the floor!
On the floor!

What's on the floor?
The floor!

I'm looking, I can't see anything!

You... get down...
on the floor now!

On your knees! On your knees!
Please don't shoot me!

Please don't shoot me!
Hands on the back of your head!

Identify yourself.
Straight, I like girls.

No, women, I like women.

What's your name?
Paul.

Full name!
Paul Corleone Huggins.

Corleone?
Yeah.

Stay still! Secure the target.

OK, I'll be still.
So still, I swear to god.

OK, now stand up slowly.
Can I please use the bathroom?

What?
Well, I think I need to clean up.

Clean up?

Yes, I think
I might have touched cloth.

Move!
Oh, he's not joking, sarge.

I really, really need to use
the lav.

The cloth is quite badly touched.

Thank you, Gavin.

No worries. It was nice
to have a little run-out.

It's been a quiet week.

Dismissed.

I'm so sorry.
Huggins.

Paul. Paul, Paul, Paul.

Yes, milady.
Ma'am.

Ma'am.
That's what could happen.

D'you see?
It did happen.

Well, I know it did, but only
as an example of what could happen.

You mean it might happen again?

Ah, now you're getting
the hang of it.

I don't understand.

The three words which, no doubt,
will be inscribed on your tombstone,

which may be slightly sooner
than you'd like.

You saying I'm gonna die?

We're all gonna die, Huggins...
sooner or later.

I'm just saying you might be tipping
the scales towards the former,

if you know what I mean.

I don't think I do, no.
I know who you are, Huggins.

Well, I'm Huggins.

No, I-I-I don't mean your name,
Paul Huggins.

I know who you are,
I know who your family are. Oh.

So am I a dead duck?
Oh, no. Far from it.

You're just about to fly off to
another lovely little pond, ducky.

HE RETCHES
Sorry.

What? Sorry, I just
really don't like the sound of that.

Look, let me just make this simple.

I am recruiting,
and you are working for us now.

I already was.
No, not like that.

As a double prune.
What?

A mole within a mole.
Oh! What?

OK, look,
and this may sound redundant,

but just try and act dumb.

OK, I'll try,
but I can't make any promises.

Of course.
So does everyone else know?

What, in here? No, just me.
Think it's probably better that way.

I mean, I wouldn't have to, like,
rat on my family now or anything...?

Hush now. Shh.

We don't need to go
into silly detail like that, do we?

No, we do not.
SHE CHUCKLES

Over time, you may need to feed back
intel on criminal activity,

but I need you to do something
really important for me right now.

OK?
WHISPERS: What's that?

I need you to change your trousers.

Yes, Madam.

Finished.
Bollocks you are.

Piece of piss.
No.

Daz, you do know that
each column, each row and each grid

has to have the numbers one to nine,
no repeats?

HE SNORTS
Bullshit. Life's too short for that.

Length of life has nothing
to do with it.

What... What have you been doing?

I've just been writing the numbers
I like in the blanks, like eight.

It's a sexy number, is eight.
Reminds me of a woman's body.

And zero-zero, that's like boobs.

It is, yeah,
but that's not how you play it.

No, that's not how YOU play.

That's not
how any human beings play it.

My way's better.
No, it's not.

Yeah, it is. Sudoku porn.

Sexy body, pair of boobs,

zero-one-zero, a cock and balls.

Guys, guys.
You're not gonna believe this, yeah?

I've just been offered
a role for this new TV cop show.

My God! Ha-ha!
You're joking me!

That's amazing!
Yeah, man.

I knew that Devon Hansell
when he was a struggling nobody.

I always said you had what it takes.

No, you didn't.
No, I didn't.

Hello, everyone.
It's a pretty normal day, innit?

Like, nothing life-changing
happening here.

Well, no, apart from Dev, he's just
got a part in a new TV cop thing.

God, that is amazing.
I mean, I love police shows so much.

I mean, I've always had a dream
to be a policeman, so...

You realise
you're training to be one?

Yeah, sorry, I just forgot
who I was there for a moment.

Who you playing?

Er, Victimone.
I'm thinking Italian. Ooh!

What does he do?
Ep 1, erm, found in the woods.

Oi!
Ep 2, I'm in the mortuary.

Ep 3, open-casket wake, yeah?

Ep 4, I'm buried and then dug up
again for a second autopsy,

and Ep 6... Don't know
what I'm doing episode five.

Maybe improv something, but, yeah.
Big role.

"Victimone".

Are you sure it isn't "Victim One"?

It could be, yeah.
Right.

Dev, you're not an actual part.
You're a corpse.

All right.

I did not shit myself. What?

Who?

Sir!

I'm stuck. No, no, not stuck.
There we... Ah!

Oh, yeah, yes, Melanie?

A little bird has just told me
that Superintendent Spry

has not been named
as the new Director of Training.

Oh, no!
No, no, no! No, no, it's fantastic.

It means it has to be you.

Let's just hope
she takes it in good spirit.

Can I have
the key to the gun cupboard?

Do we have a gun cupboard?

Sorry, not gun,
I mean stationery cupboard.

No, I mean gun cupboard.

Have you any, erm, any news
on the top-dog job?

I didn't get it.
MELANIE GASPS

Oh, I'm so sorry. Sad and sorry,
sad, s-sad, sad, sad.

Oh, and neither did Bob.
Oh, bum!

If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna
go and do some special filing.

Double bum!

Oh, it's always darkest
before the dawn.

Worse things happen at the seaside.

I mean, nobody died...
did... did they?

You will if you come out
with any more meaningless cliches.

Well, it's not the end of the...

...potato.

They gave the job to somebody else,
Bob.

We gave it our best shot.

And I thought
we were both excellent candidates.

Clearly, they found
someone fresh and exciting

to lead us into a wonderful new...

Ah, Bob, Julie.

Well, well,
it's great to be back at the helm.

Oh, I'd love a tea,
if you've got a moment. What?

HE CHUCKLES
Tea. Cup of tea.

Chief Superintendent Cunningham,
er, did you forget something?

Well, I forgot
how much I missed the old place.

But it's certainly great
to be back in charge.

No?
Sorry, in charge of...?

The college.
Well, con... con...

congratulations to... Which one?
This one.

But... But you were... You... You...
You were relieved of your position.

Reinstated on appeal,
and rightly so.

But you fashioned yourself as
Stephen Hawking at a public event.

Ah, yes, turns out, leaving dos
are not considered public.

Also turns out,

it helps if you play pickleball
with the head of the appeals panel.

Well, as long as it's consensual,
I'm sure that's fine.

Plus, cherry on the cake, our
superiors were mightily impressed

that I identified the prune

that had wormed its way
into the nest down here. What?

Sorry, yes, one of my sergeants
passed your information onto...

yours truly.
But you, er... you did tell, er,

the superiors that, er,
the information came from me, yeah?

Did I? Well, probably, I don't know.

Something may have got lost
in translation.

Where's that tea got to?

I'll get it.

Oh, at ease, at ease.

Didn't know you smoked, ma'am.
Mm.

Thought now would be a good time
to start. You OK?

Yeah. Sometimes, I'm just sick
of the kids, that's all.

Home life getting you down, is it?
I meant my classmates in there.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Well, you are proving to be
a great student, Geeta.

You're a great superior officer,
ma'am.

Well, I know, I know.

If only everybody had
the clarity and wisdom to see it.

More fool them.
You're a woman of the world, Geeta.

I am.
As am I. I've walked the streets.

Not as a tart, as a warrior,
discovering the realities of life.

We live a life burdened
with responsibilities, ma'am.

You know, I'm not a mother like you,
Geeta,

but I am mother
to all of those students.

Yeah, and it requires strength...
Mm.

...and compassion.
Mainly strength.

There's an undercurrent
of compassion.

Nah, not really.

No, no, there is.
I can see it in your eyes.

Can you?
Yeah.

In my eyes?
Yeah.

I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.

I was heading for the door,
and I forgot you were in the way.

Of course.
Oh, ha!

I think I may have accidentally
er, bashed your lips a little bit.

Just a bit of a collision.
Bit of a collision.

Ha! Well, anyway, good chat.

Yeah, we speak
the same language, ma'am.

Ah, au revoir, Geeta.
Hola!

Erm, Melanie?
Ooh!

Erm, would you...? No, Melanie...

Oh, I s... Right,
I was just gonna say, er, thank you.

Oh, what for?

For supporting me, being on my side,
fighting my corner.

Oh, well, it's nothing, really.

Er, also,
I just wanted to ask you something.

Erm, I've got a, erm...

superintendents' charity dinner
next week,

and... and they've...
they've given me a plus-one.

Oh. Have they?

Yes, yes, and as you know,
I'm very much, er,

on my ownsome lonesome, you know,
bit of a Bobby No-Mates,

er, so, erm, I was just wondering
if you... Yes.

...would cancel the, er, the plus-one

cos it is probably
just a clerical error. Course.

Yeah, thank you.
Will do.

Thank you, Melanie.
Mm-hm.

Oh, now, nearly forgot.
SHE GASPS

If you could deliver those
to Auntie Bridget...

Got the address there. Needs to be
there by the morning. Thank you.

Thank you, Melanie. Good night.
SQUEAKS: Good night.

I'll catch you lot up.

You're sitting in a police car.

I've always wanted to sit in one, so.

Can I join you?
Mm-hm.

Kebab? See I'm carb-loading ahead
of a dangerous level of drinking.

No, I'm good, thanks.
Suit yourself.

Oh, actually,
I'll have just one bite.

OK. Mm.

Oh! Oh, I see what you mean,
this is...

Oh, this is nice!
That is really good.

OK, yeah, now you're enjoying it
too much.

HE LAUGHS
Yeah, a little bit.

This is delicious.

It's like eating a massive vagina.

Is this, like, a date?

LAUGHING: No.
Oh.

Good because I...

I wouldn't want you getting
the wrong idea

and getting really turned on by me.

Don't worry, that is not happening.
HE LAUGHS

Actually, erm, Mike asked me out.

Oh. Wow.
Yeah.

I should go, right?

HE INHALES
He's the real reason you signed up.

Suppose he is.

So what you gonna say?

Actually, erm...
You ready?

Yeah.

And, er, step out the vehicle,
Legland.

It's not a toy, yeah?

Steph!

Kebab.
ENGINE STARTS

Sorry.
THEY LAUGH

How do I look?
Perfect.

Bit greasy.
Yeah.

HE SIGHS

Hello, sunshine.

Cos I've been a good boy,
I'm out of this playpen for good.

HE INHALES,
EXHALES

But as a farewell gesture,

I am nicking you
for littering His Majesty's tarmac.

Your balls still burning, Peppa Pig?

Ha-ha. Ugh!

Fuck!

MAN: Pauly, get in the car!

I can't get in. Open the doors!

SIRENS BLARE
Come on, it's locked.

Jump in the car.
Wait, pull me in!

Pull me in!
Just get in, you knob.

Pull me in,
my legs are gonna fall off!

Er, mate? Mate?

Come on now. Oh, bollocks.

I didn't touch him!
Hey, that was an accident!

It was an accident!

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