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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:02,320 It's so obvious he wants to get back with me. 2 00:00:02,320 --> 00:00:04,960 You can tell by the fact he doesn't say it. 3 00:00:04,960 --> 00:00:05,960 I mean, he's just confused. 4 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,960 I'm doing what any normal person would do 5 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:09,960 by giving him another chance. 6 00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,960 I mean, what woman in the world wouldn't get a job 7 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,960 where the person who loves her works 8 00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,960 just so she can make sure he saw her face every day? 9 00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:16,960 Answer me that. 10 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:19,960 Again, if you could just follow the road 11 00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:22,960 until I or the road signs tell you differently. Fine. 12 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,960 Can we drive past his house 13 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,960 so we can make sure he's home and alone? No. 14 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,960 I'm paying for these lessons, so we are doing a drive-by. 15 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,960 For God's sake. 16 00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960 How's my hair look? 17 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,800 Oh, it's a magnificent sight. 18 00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:51,960 So many fond memories of being issued my first uniform. 19 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,960 And as I slipped the custodian's helmet 20 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,960 over my once luxuriant locks, 21 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,960 I... I felt like a... a newly crowned king. 22 00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,640 I can just see you back then, 23 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:03,000 proudly displaying your helmet for all to see. Yeah. 24 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,320 Halcyon days. Tit-head. 25 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:06,960 Beg pardon? The helmet. 26 00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,960 It's what my dad used to call them. 27 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,160 Well, he sounds like an utter twat. No offence. 28 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,960 Hmm. 29 00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,960 I don't think I've ever, ever been this happy. 30 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:22,800 I mean, you must feel the power now, right? 31 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:24,960 Just a uniform. How can you say that? 32 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:25,960 Cos it's true. AFIA SIGHS 33 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:28,960 It's no different to the dinner lady's tabard I used to wear. 34 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:32,320 No-one's gonna be scared of a dinner lady, Geeta. 35 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:33,960 AFIA CHUCKLES 36 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:36,960 DOOR SHUTS 37 00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,640 Put the gun down and step away from the vehicle, you little bitch! 38 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:43,960 Yeah! 39 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:48,960 LEGGO: Wow-ee! STEPH: Oh, my God. 40 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,960 I look like a prick. No, you actually look quite cool. 41 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,960 I think I'm gonna wear mine to bed. DEV: Oi, oi. 42 00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:57,640 MUTED LAUGHTER Hey. 43 00:01:57,640 --> 00:01:58,960 What have you done? What? 44 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,960 You know. Oh, yes. OK. 45 00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:01,960 Yeah, I took my measurements in a bit, 46 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:03,960 but I thought that's what everyone did. 47 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,960 Plus, I want it to look a bit more cinched. 48 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:08,640 There's cinched and then there's crunched. 49 00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:10,960 Oh, I can actually see the outline of your, you know. 50 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:11,960 Baloney pony. 51 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:12,960 Yeah, see, what I would've done, Dev, 52 00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960 is I would've got my baloney pony, 53 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960 pulled it up from the base, obviously, folded it so it's flat, 54 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,960 like a paper aeroplane pre-flight, tucked it underneath the waistband, 55 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960 and, voila, that is Bob, your uncle. 56 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:25,960 Dev, if you actually do keep wearing those trousers, 57 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,800 you will never be able to have kids. 58 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:28,960 Lucky bastard. 59 00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:30,800 Yeah, you're waddling, Dev, like a duck. 60 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:31,960 AFIA LAUGHS 61 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:32,960 You know, if you bend over, 62 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960 all of us are gonna get to see your little starfish. 63 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960 That's right, yeah? Everyone pick on the virgin... 64 00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:38,960 LAUGHTER FADES 65 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,960 ...is what you'd be doing if there were one of those here. Hm. 66 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960 Wow. What? 67 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:46,960 Oh, it's just you said we was picking on you 68 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:47,960 because you's a virgin. 69 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,960 Yeah, you don't exactly give off virgin-y vibes, Dev. No. 70 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,960 You talk about sex all the time. 71 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:54,480 What I meant was, it's kind of a grey area. 72 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:56,960 It shouldn't be grey, Dev. No, no, no. It's the right colour. 73 00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:59,960 Well, whatever colour it is, it's none of our business, is it? 74 00:02:59,960 --> 00:03:00,960 Yep. LEGGO: Right. 75 00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,960 To be honest, yeah, I just don't know 76 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960 if I have actually properly done it or not. Mm. 77 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:06,960 The jury's out... 78 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,960 ...in one of the strangest courtroom battles in legal history. 79 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,960 So, this is how we strip you of your individuality, 80 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:19,960 how we homogenise, emulsifying the fat droplets 81 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,480 so the cream doesn't separate from the milk. 82 00:03:22,480 --> 00:03:24,320 So that nobody stands out from the... 83 00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,000 Christ on a bike. Sorry, Ma'am. 84 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:28,480 Er, there was a mistake with the measurements I made. 85 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,960 Who'd you measure, Kylie Minogue? GASPING LAUGH 86 00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960 No, Ma'am. I measured me. 87 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:33,960 Right. 88 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:34,960 Now, then, I'm sure one or two of you - 89 00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,960 not you, Hanzel, obviously - 90 00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:39,960 but I'm sure one or two of you is thinking, "Ooh... 91 00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,960 "might wanna take this bad boy home. 92 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:46,960 "Try it out a bit." Hmm? "Settle into it." 93 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,640 And do you know what? That's not against the rules. Oh! 94 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:51,960 Maybe your friend's having a fancy-dress party. 95 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:54,960 Yes! Helen! Lend it to your friend Helen. 96 00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:55,960 She's about your size. 97 00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:57,960 No, my friend Helen's actually taller than me. 98 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,960 Helen thinks, "Oh, this is great!" 99 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:03,960 Starts bossing people around a bit for a giggle. 100 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,640 Everybody's into it. My Helen's quite introverted. 101 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:07,960 I think this is a different Helen. 102 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,800 And then this Helen... Oh! 103 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,960 ...notices that the wine is running low, 104 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,320 so she pops to the offie. 105 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,960 But, oh, no! There's a holdup. 106 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,960 And when the guy with the balaclava 107 00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:19,960 and the machete sees Helen, he panics. 108 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,960 Because Helen hasn't been trained, she doesn't know what to do. 109 00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:25,960 So the guy hacks Helen's arm clean off. 110 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,960 Helen reels back, her blood gushing over the Wotsits, 111 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:31,960 the Quavers, and the pickled onion Monster Munch. 112 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,960 Before the paramedics can get there... 113 00:04:37,640 --> 00:04:38,960 ...Helen has bled out... 114 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:44,960 ...all over the uniform her mate lent her for a laugh. 115 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960 She's dead. Oh. 116 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,320 And there's nothing you can do about it. 117 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,960 So, what do we think about that? 118 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,960 That's made me feel quite peckish. I could murder some Wotsits. 119 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,960 TEARFULLY: Oh, Helen. You were so young. 120 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,800 HE SOBS What have I done?! 121 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,960 Chief Superintendent Bob Weekes, Head of Training. 122 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,960 Yes. Chief Superintendent Bob Weekes speaking. 123 00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,960 PHONE RINGS 124 00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:44,960 Right. 125 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,960 So... 126 00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:51,960 I had the massive weight problem, yeah? And so did she. 127 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:53,960 And so when we tried to do it, 128 00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:55,960 it was hard to tell which bit was in and which bit was out. 129 00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,960 Like, I-I-I didn't know if I was in the right crease. 130 00:05:57,960 --> 00:06:01,960 And so it's possible that I might still be a virgin. 131 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:05,960 And I'd appreciate it if you got all the way off my back about it, right? 132 00:06:05,960 --> 00:06:06,960 It's all cool. Look... 133 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,640 I didn't pop my cherry until I was 21. 134 00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:11,800 And that was a disaster. All right, yeah. 135 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:12,960 Yeah? Yeah, cool. 136 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:13,960 Good man. 137 00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:15,960 Does anyone want a cocky - er, coffee? 138 00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,960 No, I'm good. No. No, thanks. 139 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:20,960 21? 140 00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,000 15. With a supply teacher. 141 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,960 Oh, my God. Were you actually being nice? 142 00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:29,480 Yeah, cos I was doing her a favour. Proper munter, she was. 143 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:30,960 And he's back. Yeah. 144 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:32,000 Cocky? 145 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,960 Right! 146 00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,960 Yeah, you almost look like police officers, 147 00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,000 which means... 148 00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:49,960 Jesus Christ, what have you come as? 149 00:06:49,960 --> 00:06:50,960 Er, don't know, Sergeant. 150 00:06:50,960 --> 00:06:54,960 The whole point of a uniform is that we're the same. OK? 151 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,960 We're not individuals any more. All right. So, what are we? 152 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,960 Not individuals any more. Well, yeah. 153 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960 Which means we're what? A battalion. 154 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,160 No. Let's not get ahead of ourselves. 155 00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,960 When we're all on the same side, what are we? 156 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960 Friends. More than that. 157 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,320 Lovers. Hmm. 158 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,480 We're all going to work together as a... 159 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,000 ...socialist collective. All right! 160 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,960 Shut it! What is there no "I" in? 161 00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:19,960 Cabbage! What? 162 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:20,960 Mouse. Table lamp. Mercedes. 163 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:23,480 Sperm? Jesus! What are Arsenal?! 164 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,320 The Gunners. Are we Gunners now? 165 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:26,960 They're a team. They're a team. 166 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,960 There's no "I" in team. ALL: Oh! 167 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,960 There's no "I" in team! HE LAUGHS 168 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:37,480 Argh! What did I do to deserve this fucking team, eh? 169 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:38,960 One tiny little indiscretion on the streets. 170 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:40,960 No-one died. 171 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,960 OK, so, technically someone did. 172 00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:46,960 HE WHINGES Shit happens, yeah? Get a life! 173 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:49,960 Wankers! 174 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,800 Who's that? Well, that's Mike. 175 00:07:58,800 --> 00:08:00,960 Yes, thank you, Paul. Who's he talking to? 176 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:02,960 Oh, that's Steph. She's Steph A and you're Steph B. 177 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:03,960 Wow, another Steph? Mm. 178 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,960 Wait, hang on. Why is she Steph A? I should be Steph A. 179 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,960 You know, she's... she's a little bit more... 180 00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:09,960 A little bit more what? More hotter. 181 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,960 And a bit more brighter. And a bit floatier. 182 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:13,960 No. No, no, no. I'm not having that. 183 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,960 Actually, who... Sorry, who decided that? 184 00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,960 Nature. I should be Steph A. 185 00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:18,960 Just... can you just change us? 186 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,640 She's already Steph A on Insta. Look. Bullshit. 187 00:08:21,640 --> 00:08:23,960 No, I'm Steph A and she's Steph B. Just switch it. 188 00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,960 I don't think you can self-identify another person on their behalf. 189 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,960 And logistically, it would require emails, 190 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,960 face-to-faces, forms being signed. 191 00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:31,960 I want to be Steph A, 192 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960 and I will literally, physically be sick 193 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960 if I have to be Steph B. 194 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,800 That was very Steph B of you. 195 00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:06,960 WEEKES SNIFFS, COUGHS 196 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,800 So, leg, shoulders, and then body weight, yeah? 197 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:17,960 Now, this hold only hurts the assailant if they move, yeah? 198 00:09:17,960 --> 00:09:19,960 Why don't you try moving, Dev? I don't want to. 199 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,960 Well, just... just wiggle a bit. I don't wanna get hurt. 200 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,960 Plus, this uniform's way too tight to wiggle in. 201 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,960 I'll do it. I'll wiggle. Yeah, course you will. 202 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,960 Er, nah. Nah, nah, nah, I think everyone gets the idea. 203 00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,000 Yeah, I think everyone gets the idea. 204 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,960 I don't get the idea. Right. 205 00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:33,960 PAUL: I'm not 100%. AFIA: Same. 206 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,960 I'm actually... I'm OK with the wiggling. 207 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:38,960 Some Stephs might not be, but I am. MIKE SIGHS 208 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,960 OK, so, get down. 209 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,800 This is how I ended up with four kids. 210 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:47,480 Now, once you have the assailant on the ground, 211 00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:50,960 you position your leg between their leg, yeah? 212 00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:54,960 And then you engage the shoulder lock, 213 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:57,640 and you use your body weight to pin them to the floor. Yeah? 214 00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,000 Do you want me to... wiggle? 215 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,960 Er... yeah. 216 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:03,960 Oh. All right, so... 217 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,960 as you can see, I'm able to keep her still 218 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:09,000 and keep us both safe from any injuries, yeah? 219 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:11,800 Well, she's not exactly fighting back, is she? 220 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,000 Yeah, well, if she does try and thrash about, 221 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,960 it'll hurt her more than it hurts me, yeah? 222 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:15,960 She is unable to... Oh! 223 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:17,960 APPLAUSE 224 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:19,960 You taught me that on our first date. 225 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,960 CHEERING PAUL: Bravo. 226 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,960 So... obviously, don't clap the criminal, please. 227 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,960 Psst! Oh. 228 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:36,960 You're never gonna guess what. 229 00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:39,960 I found Superintendent Spry's diary. Look. 230 00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,960 "Monday, dump Tiny Tits Leslie. 231 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:47,960 "Tuesday, file report on moronic recruit." 232 00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:49,960 I mean, it's probably Dev, bless him. 233 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,800 Is this relevant, Paul? Wait. 234 00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:55,960 "Six thirty, Wednesday, Wendy wax." Well, who's she? 235 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:59,960 A wendy's not a who, it's a what. Well, what is it? 236 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,960 Put it this way - I've got one, you haven't. 237 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:02,960 Oh! 238 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,960 So, is it an air fryer? 239 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:06,960 Ow! Where's the flash drive, Paul? 240 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:07,960 I couldn't find it. 241 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,960 You failed? No, no. 242 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,960 I mean, just call it a practice run. 243 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,960 Look, Daz walked in, 244 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:14,960 I had to put the diary down my pants, 245 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,960 and he thought I was wanking. 246 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,960 Go do it for real. 247 00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,000 What, the wanking? No! 248 00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,960 Put the diary back before she sees it's missing. 249 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:23,960 And go find the bloody flash drive. OK. 250 00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,320 Just go. 251 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,480 What are you doing? 252 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:56,640 Nothing. 253 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,960 Well, you're doing something. 254 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,960 W-Well, I'm in love with you, so I was leaving you a card. 255 00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960 Where's... So, where... where's the card? 256 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:06,960 In my mind. I beg your pardon? 257 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:10,960 D-Dear Bob, when I... 258 00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,960 when I say that I love you, I mean it from the heart. 259 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:15,800 A-And, you know, I want you, Bob. I want... I want every inch of you. 260 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,960 I want every, you know, nook and cranny and... Yeah. 261 00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,960 Let me just stop you there. 262 00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,320 Erm, I'm... I'm... I'm touched that you feel like this. 263 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:23,480 And in many ways, 264 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,960 I'm surprised something similar hasn't happened before. 265 00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:28,960 However, I'm not a fool, er, you know. 266 00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:31,320 And all the business with the card in the head, 267 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:32,960 it... it smelt a bit fishy. 268 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,960 So, I'd like to know what's really going on. 269 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:37,960 HE CLICKS TONGUE 270 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,960 TikTok office dance trend. 271 00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,480 Er, yeah, so... 272 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:45,960 Yes? Yeah, so, if you just wanna... 273 00:12:45,960 --> 00:12:47,960 Oh. There's a... 274 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,960 Oh! 275 00:12:54,960 --> 00:12:55,960 Oh! 276 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,960 Hey, Aunty Nooch, I got it! I got the flash drive. 277 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,480 Well done, Paulie. 278 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,480 You thought I was gonna mess up again, didn't you? 279 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,960 But look at me now. Where's the brown sauce? 280 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,960 What was that? Erm, chips. 281 00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:11,480 What do you mean, chips? What do I mean? 282 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:13,960 Couple of his chips were underdone. Popped 'em back in the fryer. 283 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,800 Yeah, they were actually... They were pretty raw, actually. 284 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,960 You're pretty raw, Huggins. Shall I pop you in the fryer? 285 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960 GASPING LAUGH No, pl-please not, Ma'am. 286 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,960 Bring me some brown sauce, will you? 287 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,320 And I don't mean a little handful of them plastic condoms. 288 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:26,960 I want a jeroboam. 289 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:28,960 I shall be sat over there by myself, 290 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,000 either due to a healthy respect for hierarchy 291 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,960 or simply because people don't like me. 292 00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:33,960 Don't really care which. 293 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:37,960 Wow. That was close. 294 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:38,960 Ow! 295 00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960 PAUL SCREAMS 296 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:41,960 Only joking. 297 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,320 PAUL GASPS Fuck. 298 00:13:43,320 --> 00:13:46,960 Julie, just, er... just have a... just have a word. 299 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:47,960 Ju-Julie, if you, er... What? 300 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,960 Just want some... Have you been pruning? 301 00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,960 I don't think I want to share my personal grooming habits with you, 302 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,000 thank you very much. 303 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:56,800 No, no. Not... Not... No. HE STAMMERS 304 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,960 No, I mean, hunting down the prune. Oh, right. 305 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,960 Our elusive infiltrator. 306 00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960 Well, I'm not gonna share that information with you either, am I? 307 00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,960 Given that a honking great promotion might depend on it. 308 00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:09,800 Anyway, I'm sure you are hot on the trail, aren't you? 309 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:10,960 Well, yes, yes, yes. 310 00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,960 I am like a Native American tracker keeping my nose peeled. 311 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,320 And I've just got to do personal hygiene first with group B. 312 00:14:18,320 --> 00:14:19,960 Safety. Beg pard? 313 00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,960 Personal safety. Yeah. What... What did I say? 314 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:22,960 Hygiene. Oh, well, yeah. 315 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,480 It's-It's all connected, isn't it? Better safe than smelly. 316 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,960 Right, then. 317 00:14:30,960 --> 00:14:34,640 Personal safety role play. 318 00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,960 It's late at night, and there's... Ooh! 319 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:40,480 ...aggro out on the streets. Oh. 320 00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,960 Ha. So, how do we keep safe? 321 00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,640 Stay at home? No. 322 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:49,960 Well, yes, yes, but no, no. Comm-uni-cate. 323 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:53,960 You know, establish a connection in order to stay safe. 324 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,160 Now, Mr Legland, I want you to pretend 325 00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:58,960 to be a troublesome teenager. 326 00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,960 Shouldn't be hard. 327 00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,960 Notice I've chosen a young, white male, 328 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,640 because it would be wrong to assume that a troublemaker would be... 329 00:15:05,640 --> 00:15:08,960 HE STAMMERS We'd... We'd be racial profiling. 330 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,960 But I wanna do the acting. Well, you can't. 331 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960 Now, the rest of you, come on, let's defuse the situation. 332 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,320 Erm, name? Jackson. 333 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:17,960 Jackson. Up you get, Jackson. Yep. 334 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:23,960 Now, establishing a first name is a good way of building a rapport. 335 00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:24,960 And action. 336 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:27,960 Erm, hello. What's your name? 337 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:31,960 AS TEENAGER: Maurice. OK. Hello, Maurice. 338 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:32,960 What you up to, mate? 339 00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,960 Not gonna tell the filth that, am I? HE SPITS 340 00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:37,960 No, I'm not gonna put up with that kind of behaviour. 341 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,960 So, you can just pack your bag and... No, no, no. 342 00:15:40,960 --> 00:15:42,000 Oh, it's you. It's him. 343 00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:43,960 HE STAMMERS There you are. 344 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:45,960 Come, back you come. Let's, er... 345 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:49,960 You can... You can just pack it in and carry on. 346 00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:52,960 So, Chabra, erm, assist Jackson. 347 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,960 And action. 348 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960 Does your mum know where you are, Maurice? 349 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,960 My mum is dead. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry, man. 350 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,960 It's all right. I got a step-mum. 351 00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:03,960 Would she approve of you insulting police officers? 352 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:06,000 Yeah, probably. She's doing a 25 stretch for murder. 353 00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:08,960 Oh, what's her name? Fanny. 354 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:11,960 Fanny. Yeah, no, I think I know her. STEPH: She's not real, Paul. 355 00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:12,960 What? Leggo made her up. 356 00:16:12,960 --> 00:16:14,960 And because he's such a child, he used a rude name. 357 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,000 Child, am I? At least I'm not basic. 358 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,960 What's that supposed to mean? Nothing. 359 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:19,960 No, no, no, no. Go on. 360 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,960 That's right, engage the troublemaker. 361 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:26,960 Basic. And I wouldn't expect my ex-boyfriend to fall at my feet 362 00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:29,960 just cos I'm flouncing around his place of work every day. 363 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:30,960 Well, no-one's gonna fall at your feet. 364 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,960 Yeah, well, difference is, I don't expect them to. 365 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,160 His accent's slipping. I should've done the acting. 366 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,960 Have you got a problem with me? You're the one with the problem. 367 00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,960 I'm just trying to help. How are you helping? 368 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,480 I'm worried basic will turn to desperate. 369 00:16:41,480 --> 00:16:42,960 I'm not desperate. 370 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,800 Well, it kind of sounded a little bit desperate. 371 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,160 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Careful with that wand, Hermione. 372 00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,960 CLAMOURING 373 00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,320 Brutality! Brutality! Sit down! Sit, you! 374 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,960 Brutality! Come on, sit, you! 375 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,960 Brutal. Sit! Oh. 376 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:57,960 You must never, ever... ALL GASP 377 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,960 ...strike the suspect! 378 00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,960 Come on, we don't want a public inquiry, do we? 379 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:03,320 You, hold that, hold that. 380 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,960 Right. That was some brilliant acting, you guys. 381 00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:09,960 Youse like thems Meryl Streeps. 382 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,960 SHE SIGHS Pathetic little twat. 383 00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,960 Just cos I might be a virgin? 384 00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,960 No, not you. Leggo. Calling me things I just am not. 385 00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,960 Well, to be fair, Leggo was cool today. 386 00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,960 You know, he made me feel OK about the whole grey-area thing. 387 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,800 Yeah, he did do that. 388 00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,960 But, you know, I could also do that much better than him. 389 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:01,000 Could you? Yes. 390 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:03,960 OK. 391 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:05,640 SHE STAMMERS All right, mate. 392 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,320 Just... calm down. Don't worry. 393 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:11,960 Not everyone thinks you're a weirdo or a sad little loser. 394 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:13,960 I didn't think they did. Good. 395 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:16,960 That's good, then. How about undo a few buttons? 396 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,960 No, you look fine. Not mine, yours. 397 00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:19,960 Oh, yeah. 398 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,480 Even prime beef looks shit when it's vacuum-packed. 399 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,960 Oi, Dev, is your blood flow all right in them kiddies' clothes? 400 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:26,960 No, he's fine. 401 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,480 I was actually just saying what an amazing body that Dev's got. 402 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:31,800 I mean, look at those guns. 403 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:34,960 And, Dev, oh, my God, yes, I will go for that drink with you later. 404 00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:37,160 Wow, sweet. What drink was that? 405 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:39,160 SHE CHUCKLES Shut up. 406 00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:41,960 We'll go for that quick drink, and then we'll head back to my place 407 00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,320 to see if your blood flow is reaching all the right places. 408 00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:48,960 Is that the plan, is it? 409 00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:50,960 Is what it is. 410 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,160 That's the last of them, Sir. Thank you. Ah. 411 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,960 Flush out that arsehole before Julie does, 412 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,960 and I reckon the top job is in the bag. 413 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,960 Any... Any gut feeling? 414 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,000 Do you know what? I feel like Simon Cowell putting together a boy band. 415 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,960 Mm! Or a girl band. No bias here. 416 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,960 No. So, what I've done, 417 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,960 I've put on the left here all of the recruits 418 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,960 that, er, strike me as innocent, and on the right, 419 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:22,000 all those I instinctively feel might... might be a little bit iffy. 420 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,480 Mm. 421 00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:25,960 SHE GRUNTS Bob! 422 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,000 What is it? SHE STAMMERS 423 00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,000 Well, look, look! Oh, my...! 424 00:19:29,000 --> 00:19:30,960 Oh, fuck, fuck! Oh, my bum-bum! 425 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,960 HE STAMMERS How did this happen, Melanie? 426 00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:34,960 I don't know. I don't know. Was it...? The wind. 427 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,320 The wind. The wind. The wind blew... 428 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,960 Not the wind. People. People. Somebody behind my back... 429 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:41,960 Why do people do this? MELANIE GROANS 430 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:42,960 Why do they...? Er, Sir. 431 00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:44,960 Gym requisition order, could you sign it? No. 432 00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:47,960 What? No. It isn't. 433 00:19:47,960 --> 00:19:50,960 Isn't what? Well, th-th-there we are. Well done. 434 00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,960 Well, so, could you sign it, then? What? 435 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,320 Now? Well, yeah. 436 00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,960 Good. Yeah. 437 00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:00,960 Y-Yeah, yes. OK. That there. 438 00:20:00,960 --> 00:20:01,960 And that there. Just... 439 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:04,960 There you go. OK. 440 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:05,960 There. Whoa. Right. 441 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,000 Er, what's all this? 442 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,960 Mm? Th-This? HE EXHALES 443 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960 This, this... Oh, this? This! This. 444 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:13,960 They... They... They're... They... 445 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,960 These on the right, they're our, erm... 446 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,480 they're the recruits. 447 00:20:18,480 --> 00:20:20,640 They're the ones that I consider to... 448 00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:21,960 HE INHALES ...to be... 449 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960 To be the cleverest. ...the cleverest! 450 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,960 What, Dev Hanzel? Brilliant mind. 451 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,960 MELANIE SCOFFS Abs... quite brilliant. 452 00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,960 Well, it goes to show it's often the ones you least suspect. Yeah? 453 00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:32,960 Yeah. See you in a bit. 454 00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,960 WEEKES MUTTERS 455 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,960 STEPH LAUGHS 456 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:53,960 Oh, so, are we gonna do your plan, then? The sex? 457 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,320 Oh, God, no. Oh, right, of course. 458 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:57,960 Sorry, I thought it was obvious that was all just a ploy. 459 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,960 To get me to have sex? To get Mike to have sex. 460 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:02,000 With me? With me. 461 00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:03,960 Oh, right. Gotcha. Yeah. 462 00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,800 That's a bit of a relief. 463 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:06,960 What? 464 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960 I just felt a bit uneasy about that. 465 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960 You didn't want to? Nah, not really. 466 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960 Why... Why didn't you want to? 467 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,960 I just... I just don't wanna have sex with you. OK. 468 00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,960 Can you not keep saying that? Because people can hear you. Sorry. 469 00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:18,960 Why don't you want to? 470 00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,960 I-I'm not sure. It's not your fault. It's me. 471 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:23,960 Fucking hell! Now you sound like Mike. 472 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,480 Look, it's just when you were talking 473 00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,960 about the blood flowing t-to my places, 474 00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:28,960 I-I just felt a bit sick. 475 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:30,960 The thought of having sex with me made you feel sick? 476 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,960 Don't feel bad. How fucking dare you? 477 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,320 Look, I'm sorry. I won't be having sex with you. 478 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,800 You will be having sex with me, and you will bloody well enjoy it. OK? 479 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:39,960 Oh, OK. 480 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:40,960 Drink up. Oh, right. 481 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:43,960 Mm. 482 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,960 Not looking, but whatever it is I'm not looking at 483 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,960 needs to be gone by tomorrow morning. 484 00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,480 You'll never get out of here, Legland! 485 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,960 GASPING LAUGH 486 00:21:54,960 --> 00:21:56,960 HEAVY BREATHING Whoo! 487 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:58,960 OK. Yeah. 488 00:21:58,960 --> 00:22:02,960 And that, sir, is how the sex is done. 489 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,960 It's probably gonna be downhill for you now after me. Right. 490 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,960 Not sure I had done all that, to be fair. Yeah. 491 00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:10,960 It was really, really... Yeah. 492 00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:13,640 Really what? 493 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,960 Yeah, no, I just... It was just a bit thrashy. 494 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,960 Uncoordinated. A bit messy. 495 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,640 Sorry, how are you giving me critique 496 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,960 when you were a 24-year-old virgin ten minutes ago? 497 00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,320 No, no, I'm not dissing you. I just thought... 498 00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,960 You know, I'm sure you did just fine. 499 00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960 I was more than fine. I'm very, very good at it. 500 00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,960 Yes, of course. I mean, what do I know? 501 00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:31,160 I haven't got anyone else to compare it to, have I? Exactly. 502 00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:34,960 The thing is, I just thought it would be... 503 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:36,960 Night, then. 504 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com 505 00:22:39,010 --> 00:22:43,560 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38675

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