All language subtitles for Piglets s01e01 Wrong Reasons.eng

SIRENS BLARE

Oh, my shitting shit.
Keep your nuts on, bruv.

We ain't gonna make it, Dad.
No, we're all right, son.

We've got this. Three minutes.

Oi, oi.
CAR HORN HONKS

Good luck, Pauly.
Make us proud, mate.

RINGING

Timetables, maps, uniform coupons.

Keep them safe.
Thank you.

If you mess this up on day one,

you're gonna have to sort it out
with them. Oh, no!

There's no-one else, is there?
It's just me.

Oh, don't worry, though.
I'll manage.

Or will I? Pretend you care.

I never tire of this bit.

The newbies lusting for knowledge,
like newborn lambs

searching greedily
for their mother's teats,

and we are those teats.

Low-hanging
and full of milky goodness.

You're the real teat here, Bob.
Thank you, Julie. Appreciate that.

Hi, miss. New trainee.

What about you? Are you...?
What do you do?

I'm a new trainee.
Oh. Oh, sorry.

You just seem really...
What? Old?

No, no. God, no.
You just have a very obvious, er...

Bosom?
Sense of authority vibe.

I was a dinner lady till last month,
so...

Oh, well, there you go, then.
That's... That's why. Yeah.

Wait there.

Hi. Afia.
No, I'm Leggo.

Lego? Like the bricks?

Well, I do have lots
of little knobbly bits.

OK, on you go.

This is so exciting.
This is my worst nightmare.

Meeting me?
All this. Nightmare.

Are you having second thoughts?

Never had first thoughts,
to be honest.

It's the family business.
Forced into the force.

It's criminal.

Are you OK, mate?
Yeah.

A bit sweaty.
I love the police, though.

Police officer.
What do those words mean?

Oh, he's pretty thick, in't he?

Very soon,
you will discover the reality.

Power. Ultimate power.
I'll warn you all now -

you don't want to get
on the wrong side of me

cos I'm partially deaf in one ear.

Ha!
It wasn't a joke, young man.

So, welcome to Norbourne College,
and thank you to Superintendent Spry

and Superintendent Weekes...
Please.

...who will be your parents
for the next four and a half months.

Wait, do we have to go
and live with them?

No. Are you sure you're OK?
You're in good hands.

Yeah, mate, I'm fine. I'm just...
just really, really excited.

Work hard, stick to the rules,
and above all,

don't come to my attention
until passing out day.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Man down.

Hi, I was wondering...

Does it involve any form
of rearranging, rescheduling,

re-routing, decamping or unpicking?

Erm, yes.

Then the answer's no.
It might be quite simple.

Nothing is simple. Nothing.
Do you understand that?

Yes.
Good.

I think this might be, though.
You just said you understood!

Physical training at 10:30.
I just want B group rather than C.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
Sorry, what's your name?

Steph.
Short for Stephita?

No, Stephanie. Stephanie Jackson.

Right, and tell me,
Stephanie Jackson,

who should currently be in Area 14,
what if the other class is full?

Well, can't you just swap me
with someone?

D'you have any idea
what it would involve?

It's a simple request.
Nothing is simple.

OK. Are you gonna swap me or not?

Yeah, if I have a spare moment
at some point.

There. I've done it.

You're now in B group, and
you're very, very, very, very lucky.

You just... You pressed one button.

SHE GROWLS

Right. Morning!

It's lovely to see so many
new faces here, not too many.

Er, we haven't lowered our standards
or anything.

Come on, sit. Thank you.

Big day today for everyone.

You are each about to become a cog
in a powerful blue machine,

and I am the oil
about to be applied to you.

And my oil will lubricate you
into action,

just as I myself was lubri-oiled...
OK, intro over.

Let's crack on, shall we?
Yes, on we go.

Let us start
with a little word association.

Ah, now, then, this is...

What is the first thing you think of
when I say the word police?

Go.
Taser.

Muscles.
Parents.

Filth... y pillow... pillowcase.

Duvet?

Penis.
Same old responses.

A nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
Not you.

Sorry, Jolly... Jilly... Julie...
Superintendent.

OK, one thing before,
er, you start your training -

and I've said this to all
the new groups, it is important.

Yes, I love this bit. This bit is...

In the forums of Ancient Rome,

when the senators were called upon
to give an oath,

they would do so
whilst holding their testicles.

This is where we derive the word
testify.

Now, one of this year's new intake
is here for the wrong reasons.

Rest assured, I will find out who.
I can smell it.

So, what I want you to do
is close your eyes

and think about your reasons
for being here.

Are they genuine?

And you will do this
while holding your testicles.

Sorry, ma'am, but what do we do?
Clutch your mounds.

Right, on your feet. Up, up.

Eyes closed!

Testicles!

Your true reasons.

HE GRUNTS

Open your eyes. Look down.

One of you will find you are not
touching yourselves at all.

I will find that person
by the end of the day

when he or she will be ejected
from the process.

Out, as if they never existed.

OK, at ease.

Bob, do you need a poo?
Er, yes, I do, yeah.

What does she mean
by the wrong reasons?

I don't know.
Sorry, why are you looking at me?

She was looking at me.
It's understandable, to be fair.

I ain't done nothing,
so don't look at me.

I wasn't looking at anyone.

She's just trying to turn
all you lot against each other.

On the first day?
Oh, sure.

Listen, my parents are cops, yeah?

They did this to me
and my sister all the time.

And she's in prison for murder.
What?

No, she isn't!
No, I don't even have a sister!

HE CHUCKLES
Or do I?

Are you OK?

No, honestly,
arrogant women in uniform

just really do it for me sexually.

Ugh!
Might be a bit hyper for a while.

If and when we have to get rid
of one of them, can I say...

ALAN SUGAR IMPRESSION:
"You're fired"?

No.
What about, er...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Your reasons
for being here dinnae stack up,

"and for that reason, I'm out."

Duncan Bannatyne hasn't been
on Dragon's Den for years.

I only watch the old ones.
You know, it's not so many ladies.

Er, no offence.

OK, you muppets!

I am not
your normal kind of trainer.

Are you a hologram?
What's your name, son?

Leggo. I'll let you go when
you tell me your name, sunshine.

Ryan Legland, sir.
All right, Ryan Legland, sir.

Let's start off easy, shall we?

I want you to come and have a go
if you think you're hard enough.

HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS
Are you hard?

Bit personal.
Take me down. Whatever you got.

Come on, captain mouth, have a go.
You smell of sausage.

Physically. Come on, pussy pants.
OK.

Huh!
ALL: Ooh!

Wow.

You see, a true ninja can retract
his bollocks into his body

at the first sign of danger.

Is that true?
No, twatty.

I'm wearing a cup. I'm not an idiot.

Right, come on.
Let's have you in a line.

You're not a herd of bloody puppies.

A pack of puppies, surely.
Maybe a litter.

Er, I didn't come here
to argue about adjectives, love.

Collective nouns.
CHILDISHLY: Collective nouns.

That's a bit childish.

Coming from the girl
who cares about puppies.

I don't care about puppies.
GASPING

No, I obviously do.
I do care about puppies.

All right, so suck it up!

Basically,
I'm a little bit of a maverick.

I'm a real-world street cop,
and maybe, once,

I might've been accused
of going a little bit too far.

HE CHUCKLES
But you know the old saying -

"Them what can do it, do do it.
And them what can't do it..."

HE SIGHS
"W-Well, they do not do it."

Oh, so, you're teaching
cos you realised you can't do it?

Oh, I can do it.
I can do it in spades, love.

They're just making me
take a little break.

What did you do?
Yeah, what did you do?

HE CHUCKLES, SNORTS
I didn't do...

OK! Anyone, name me a danger

that we might find on a city street
at night.

Dog shit.

I want justice! That's the tagline.

One day,
they'll base a major TV series

on my life in the force.

One Muslim girl rises
from her humble beginnings

and claws her way up.

With all the sexism and racisity.

Racisity?
Yeah, racisity.

Don't deny it, Geeta.
It's an actual thing.

OK, OK, OK! Yo, B group!

Yeah, easy work! Nice.

Now, I'm Sergeant Michael Gunn,
aka Mikey Gunns, yeah?

And it's getting to know you time.
Now, I prefer first names in here.

Don't care what happens elsewhere.

So, I'm gonna throw you the ball,

you're gonna catch it,
you're gonna say your name,

you're gonna throw it right back,
yeah? All right.

Geeta.
Lovely.

Paul.
Good.

Leggo.
Nice.

Stephanie.

You, er, dropped the ball, mate.

Yes, Mike, you dropped the ball.

Steph, this is mad. Come on.
"Come on", what?

You, the police, really?
You don't want this.

That's funny, you always said
it was the best job in the world.

Yeah, it is, for me,
because I'm me.

But let's be honest,
you can't hack this.

Wow, OK, give me one reason
why I can't hack this.

Oh, just one reason? Yeah,
just one reason, let's hear it.

OK, well, you're quite flaky.
That's so funny.

And you don't like
getting your hands dirty.

And you're an only child,
and therefore, pretty selfish.

And you're no good in a crisis.

And I'm not sure that courage
is one of your strongest points.

And you like to avoid a conflict.

And I'd also say
you're quite mentally weak,

and physically.

And you snort in bed.
So what? Everyone snores sometimes.

No, snort. Like a pig.
HE SNORTS

Right, are you quite finished?
Big deal. Big whoop.

I am gonna be a police officer,
and a fucking good one,

and you just can't handle it, Mike,

because you're gonna be obsessed
with me all over again.

As if.
You are.

Because we both know, Mike,

that you have an erection
right here, right now.

That's unfair, cos you know
I always have one, yeah?

CLEARS THROAT

Wrong reasons could be me,
cos I kind of got two jobs, right?

Like, I'm doing this,

but then I'm mainly Devon Hanzel, actor.

Oh, right, you're an actor.
So, what have you been in?

I've been in the acting profession.

Yeah, but, like,
what have you acted in?

I've acted in auditions
and castings,

you know, stuff like that.
Cool.

Mate, you know them's ladies' pants?
No, they're not.

They is. My mum wears them.

You know what pants your mum wears?
That's fucked up.

No, it's not.
I do the family washing.

They're, er...
They're M&S, the Risque collection.

Which is a male range.
No, it's not.

Look, just worry
about your own pants, man.

This is so stressful, innit?
Yeah, pant wars?

Nah, this place.
Mustn't get thrown out.

Why not?

Oh, you know, just reasons, mainly.

It wasn't my idea, though.

Well, that's something me and you
have got in common - bloody family.

Tell me about it.

Oh, yeah?
Well, what's your family done?

Well, they ain't done nothing...
Sorry, why would you say that?

Easy, easy.

Clearly, Sergeant Stiffy Killer
has figured out

that I don't wanna be here, so
you've got nothing to worry about.

It's me.
I'm out of here, end of the day.

Erm, don't tell the girls
about the pants, all right?

I won't tell any girls. Ever.

I might.
THEY CHUCKLE

All right, then.

Can anyone tell me
what we have here?

Oh, my God. Are those drugs?
HE LAUGHS

Someone's gonna be
in so much trouble.

These are - correct - street drugs,
to a value of, erm...

well, not that much, actually,
but still...

No, the issue is those involved
in the drugs trade

quite often try to outwit
the authorities vis-a-vis ourselves.

No, it's not...
It's not a good thing.

No, no, no, no, I'm just excited
that I'm the authorities.

They try to achieve this

by constantly changing the name
of each product.

Which necessitates us
being very much on our toes

as regards nomenclature.

When do we start talking like that?

Is it gradual,
or is it more sort of overnight?

STEPHANIE
CLEARS HER THROAT

Excu... Excuse me, sir.
Please may I be excused?

Can it not wait?

OK, is that legal, to let a woman
just sit here menstruating?

Go. Go now. Thank you.

Right, so, here we have,
for example,

a 16th of an ounce of...
cannabis resin.

These scumbags...
Criminals.

Yeah, these criminals,

will often refer to this amount
as a teenth.

Ah, really? A teenth?
All right, clever prick.

Street name for this amount?

I would say that
that would be... an eighth.

No, actually, they've changed it.
It's now called a dibbler.

Dibbler?

This is cocaine, aka classic rock.

CRASHING

Oh, shit. That's actually
an old term for hashish.

A little bit dated now.
Yeah, no, I was, er...

Ah, nothing.
Amphetamine is, er, wurbler.

Methamphetamine - ninky-nonk.
LSD - fried bedstead.

Heroin - the one show.

Ketamine - boggle chunks.

And benzodiazepines,
erm, Hufflepuff's revenge.

Who told you all this?
A drug dealer. He's a lovely bloke.

Lovely.
He's a bit giggly.

Giggly?
Mm.

WHISPERING: Oh, I see.

Ah, right. Erm, feeling better?
Yes, much better. Thank you.

Good, let's hope it's all...
stemmed.

Right. So, looks like
we're going to have to wait

for some new intel
on those street names.

No, look. Bubbles, Hop, Cristina,
Cat Valium, Oxblood, Moggies.

I mean, you know, like, probably.

GIGGLING

You have just become
a lot more interesting to me

as a human being.

SHE SIGHS
I'm not sure I can eat. Too anxious.

If they throw me out,
I'll actually die.

You're OK, hundy p.
If it makes you feel any better,

I'll almost certainly be out
by the end of the day.

It's you. What's the reason?
Wait, no, no, don't tell me.

Let me use my Muslim sense.
That's not a thing.

You came here
because you got dumped by some dude

you found out is a trainer here.

Oh, my God. How did you do that?
Can you cast spells?

No, I looked you up on Facebook,

and you've liked 43 photos
of Magic Mike going back six months.

Plus, you were staring love daggers
at him in the gym.

Oh, and I recorded your conversation
earlier on on my phone.

Oh, my days.
I'm gonna be so sick at this job.

You shouldn't record
people's conversations.

You think Muslims cast spells.
No. I didn't actually say that.

Hindus cast spells,
don't they, Geeta?

I'm casting one right now.

Yeah, OK, OK, yes.
I'm the whitest person in the world.

I'm here because of a man,
I'm the worst.

You're here
cos you're a brilliant detective.

What can I say?
It's a public service.

So, what brings you here, Geeta?

I'm trying to spend less time
with my family.

Fair enough.

Oh!
Number one - I am not flaky.

I have just texted 30 people
that I went to uni with,

and they all said that I wasn't.

Well,
I didn't actually manage all 30

because I got distracted by
this really cheap ticket for the O2.

But anyway, in the end,
I got hold of seven of them,

and only three of them said
that I'm properly flaky.

So that's that myth busted, buster.

Steph, mate, please. Number two -
afraid to get my hands dirty?

Well...
Oh, all right, stop.

Number three - here is £10

to buy yourself
a nice little pudding.

I don't think a selfish person
would do that, would they?

I guess not.

The proof is in the pudding,
you big twat-head.

Oh! What was that?
That was point four.

You are not looking at someone
who is afraid of conflict.

No, siree!
Not in the hair, Steph.

Good day.

My God.

Melanie, I need a room swap, yeah?

Melanie doesn't do room swaps
in the corridor.

Please, I need to avoid someone,
and I would do it myself,

but you won't let any of us
have a password any more.

I won't,
because your mate changed the name

of all the conference rooms
to Melanie's Fanny.

Not really a mate.

Melanie's Red Fanny,
Melanie's South Fanny.

Ooh! Melanie's Big Fanny
on the fourth floor.

Come in, unless you're a terrorist.

Ma'am, sir, can I check something
on a personal level?

Yes, that's why we're here.
Is it?

I thought we were here
to turn useless streaks of piss

into police officers
using brute force and shouting.

Is it something embarrassing?
Er, a bit, yeah.

Oh, well, come in.

Is it OK if a trainer realises
that he's had a, er, relationship

with a trainee
who's just shown up at his college?

I'm, er, asking for a friend.
Which college is he at?

This college, for fuck's sake.
Who did you pork? Geeta? Afia?

Maybe we're assuming something
we shouldn't.

Maybe it was someone less expected.

I'm not sure I follow you...
Oh, do you mean, was it a man?

Which is perfectly fine.
You know, it's, er...

You may speak freely here.

In fact, I myself have had some
experience in that particular arena.

Have you?

Yes, I watched Brokeback Mountain
without knowing the twist.

Mm, don't think it was a twist.

I wasn't expecting it.
It's actually Stephanie Jackson.

Really? The graduate one?
Well, she's quite bright.

True. Wait, what?

Previous relationships are fine
as long as they remain previous.

BANGS TUNEFULLY

Come in, Legland!
OK, off you pop, Magic Mike.

Don't trip over your cock.
CHUCKLING

Good afternoon, ma'am. Hello.
Wasn't expecting you, Mr Bob.

This is a joint unofficial meeting.
Ah! You two having an affair?

Jesus.
OK, well, I won't say a word.

Although, you could do better.
Shut it.

She could do better?

Ooh, like what you've done
with the place.

Ah! So, what can I do
for you two work colleagues, yeah?

I think you know why you're here.
Ah, police training, innit?

Which is exactly
the kind of obstructive insolence

that's been reported
by all of our staff so far.

Oh, dear.
Here's the thing.

We know the real reason
that you are here.

Ah, you said come to my office
at three o'clock.

No, the reason you enrolled here,
she means.

We know who your father is.
Is it Darth Vader?

No, it's Chief Superintendent
Timothy Legland.

Yes, him.
Not dissimilar, actually.

And then, of course,

there's Assistant Chief Constable
Phillipa Legland.

Mm, yes, my mum, ma'am.

My... Ooh, ma'am, mum. Hang on.

My mum, ma'am, mum, ma'am, my mum.

HE BEATBOXES

They sent you here,

and you are counting on us
to kick you out. We get it.

So, I'm the one here
for the wrong reasons?

Let's get this done.
I'm afraid not.

You see,
your mother called me this morning.

Told me you might be a bit tricksy.
Did you tell her to do one?

No, I did not.
Your mother is superior to me.

Er, she has great legs,
but you have a lovely smile.

I don't like smart arses.

What sort of arses do you like?
This isn't gonna work.

I can be way more annoying than you,
little boy.

Game on... big girl.

SHE CLEARS THROAT
Well, congratulations!

We have all made it
to the end of day one.

Now, earlier this morning,

I said that one of you was here
for the wrong reasons. I lied.

You are all here
for the wrong reasons.

You might think
you can single-handedly solve crime,

chase bad guys across rooftops,

get back at everyone
who bullied you at school.

Well, guess what?

You are here
to become police officers

with one motivation only,

and that is to protect the public
whilst never forgetting

that you are members of the public
yourself.

Now, if you can do this job,

each and every one of you
will have my respect.

Apart from recruit 718,

who it turns out is a member
of a far-right organisation.

Where are you?
He's there.

Ah, right. Go on, get your stuff.
Fuck off.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

I just want to say, erm...

I've let you all down,
and I apologise.

And I wanna wish you all the best
in your future careers.

That's really sad.
Steph, he's an actual Nazi.

Oh, shit, yeah. Sorry.
Dismissed!

Breaking news.

One of your latest intake
has an ulterior motive.

No, no, I've done that.
I've just made the speech.

Look, forget the speech.
This is actually a thing.

We've got a prune in the nest.

Jesus.
Briefing, 0800, tomorrow.

Copy that.
HE LAUGHS

I can see you're scoping out
all of our raw materials,

ready to be fashioned into a...

into a flower vase
of law enforcement,

or even a teapot.

Cunningham says
we have a prune in the nest.

Ah, what's...?
This prune's good news?

Well, no, of course not.
Who wants a prune in the nest?

Might as well have a duck
in the cupboard or a...

a bun in the shoe.

Informant.

Yes, yes, well, my updated directory
of confusing police slang

must've got lost in the post.

Ah, right, well, er, here...
have mine.

Thank you.

Just keep an eye out.
Right.

Could be something very subtle.

Pauly, get in.

SIRENS BLARE

Come on, scrubber.

You're not giving your nan
a bed bath.

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