Original subtitles

{n8}Mary killed Edward

{n8} and tried to kill me.

{n8}We have no proof.

{n8}My Lords! I am disbanding the Kingsland Guards.

They are finished.

I want Jane Grey's head on a pike,

- and I need your army. - Sack Seymour.

And I'll send 5,000 men to fight for you.

Guildford Dudley is a horse.

End this marriage or I will make you end it.

No, you shall not.

What if I didn't want a divorce?

What if you didn't?

I don't know what to do.

I can show you.

You invited Ethians to your Coronation Banquet?

We must again live side by side.

We must end Division Laws.

- Guildford, you don't need a cure. - Jane, please shut up.

It is this Kingdom that needs to change.

I could heal England.

Fuck England! Heal me!

I trusted you.

Why are you following me?

I just came to tell you there is an Ethian cure.

And I know where to get it.

A witness has come forward to confirm

King Edward's killers.

Lord Seymour and Princess Mary.

- Arrest them. - That's right, my darlings.

Princess Mary is fleeing.

She's gone.

As you're doubtless aware,

dopamine is a neurotransmitter that gives humans the ability to feel joy.

The traitor Mary has fled.

And nothing triggers euphoria as intensely as having

your regicidal nemesis on the run.

Goddamn, what a rush.

I will not rest until she is captured.

You will all send your armies to search the Kingdom...

Not so fast,

Your Majesty.

Sadly for Jane,

Tudor monarchs don't have armies.

They have to borrow them.

Which means she needs these assholes.

Are we correct to assume

that you have reneged on your passionate plea to end Division Law?

No.

I shall end Division Law.

Our Kingdom needs unity.

And a leader who is willing to fight for it.

Each of you will pledge me 10,000 men.

Whatever Mary does next, we will be ready.

Long live Queen Mary!

♪ Stayin' alive... ♪

Margaret, come here.

An assassin

- sent by the traitor Mary! - Are you all right?

Uh-huh.

Stand up.

Keep smiling. You are alive.

Fear not!

The villain is dead.

The show is over. Disperse, everyone.

Disperse, people.

As Jane looks around, she realizes none of these men

care about the attempt just made on her life.

They only care about power.

They're wondering if she's weak.

Failing.

Doomed.

Meanwhile, Granny is trying everything possible to force Edward's Ethian change.

Even dentistry.

Yet our beleaguered ex-King remains stubbornly cismorphic.

That went too far.

Not far enough.

This is the worst case of delayed onset Ethianism I've seen

since your Uncle Arthur.

I actually cut off one of his toes.

Did it work?

Did it, fuck.

Finally changed when he got scared of a bee.

Prat.

And then your father stabbed him to death in his bed

and said it was sweating sickness.

What?

Nothing.

Everyone has a trigger.

We just have to find yours.

Granny, enough!

I'm not Ethian.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I am the King,

and I command you to let me go.

Well,

that's the spirit.

That's just the sort of energy we need when you return

to take your rightful place as England's proud Ethian King.

I have plans for you.

There is a prophecy that began with a series of dark miracles.

A giant squid leapt from the sea onto a Kalmar war boat

and ate everyone alive.

In Mesopotamia, a lamb pawed the ground with his hoof,

and a fountain of the purest...

Oh, golly. He's back.

At this moment, Edward is realizing two things.

One, no lecture on destiny has ever pierced his soul

the way a single glimpse of that feline fellow just did.

And, two...

And then we will exterminate

every Verity in the Kingdom.

Exterminate...

Verities?

...his grandmother is barking mad.

Is that sulfur?

No, dung.

Of the hippopotami.

Yes, yes, I, uh, have a chap.

Yes. Funny, the pharaohs used it

as a contraceptive.

Mm. Preposterous.

It is a powerful healing agent.

No, it isn't. Wipe it off.

Dr. Butts, perhaps some vinegar...

Hush, hush, hush, hush.

Do women ever stop,

good gods,

the endless chitter-chatter,

chitter-chatter.

Now, I prescribe

a spoonful of fresh lice in your breakfast ale...

You're fired.

- Are you speaking in tongues? - You heard me.

You...

are fired.

- That felt good. - Jane, a quick word.

Gods, what now?

Jane, we have a crisis.

You need to stop blathering about helping those beasts

- and come to your senses. - No.

And consolidate your power.

What power?

Half the Court has fucked off back to their estates with their retainers.

- What? - They left

because of your Ethian agenda.

With soldiers you need.

And how many are still with me?

Well, a handful, at best.

And they all take their cue from the Duke of Norfolk.

He could up and leave

at a moment's notice.

No nobles, no soldiers.

No soldiers,

no crown. No crown,

no bueno.

Can our plucky heroine unite the Kingdom

without risking her neck?

Ah.

So, tell me, Archer,

what are you,

a bunny rabbit?

A bear.

Ooh.

S... Splendid!

Splendid.

Quite cool, actually.

My Lords.

As you can see, I am fully recovered.

And while we wait for your armies to find the traitor Mary,

I have decided to hold a tournament...

...in joyous anticipation of my imminent victory.

Jousting, games

and a feast.

Your attendance is required.

I adore a tourney.

If the stars are amiable, of course.

Do you follow the stars, Your Majesty?

Is it a... compulsory tourney?

You simply must have an astrologer.

Ottoman, preferably.

Borrow mine.

Thank you, Scrope.

Tragically...

I have to return home.

My peasants are starving,

and they will not stop bitching about it.

Mm. I insist you accept my invitation.

You shall stay the week.

All of you.

With pleasure, Your Majesty.

Good.

Perhaps you'll even make new friends.

That is all.

Your Majesty.

Now they're trapped here

- until their armies arrive. - Mm-hmm.

Clever.

Mary is coming.

We need to be ready.

They'll never fight for you unless you abandon us.

Then we will change their minds.

Teach them not to be afraid.

Men like that don't change.

Bigotry is in their blood.

Then we will make them think that they have won

until Mary is gone.

And then we'll do it anyway.

You are a very interesting woman.

It's nearly nightfall.

If you'll excuse me.

All Jane wants is to tell Guildford about Mary,

make amends for their bitter fight

and maybe...

Guildford?

...cop a snog.

Guildford?

Your Majesty.

Where's Guildford?

Guildford's gone.

Gone?

He left to find a cure.

He left.

Did he say anything else?

Only that...

he's sorry and, uh...

...he didn't think you'd understand.

I see.

Dudley.

Your Majesty.

Big news.

I have found us an elephant for the tournament.

Guildford has left me.

He's gone to look for an Ethian cure.

Did you know he was going?

Do you know where he went?

I did not,

and I do not.

Look, it is the boy's only flaw.

It is right he should desire to fix himself.

After all, his brilliant wife did nothing about it.

There is nothing wrong with him.

Ooh.

The Kingdom would disagree.

That's why I must change the Kingdom.

I was an idealist myself once,

when I was young and the world felt fair.

Simple fact is,

humans love to hate.

You're wrong.

Hmm. Am I?

Guildford lost his place in the world overnight.

Because of you.

You made him feel defective.

You sent him away.

What kind of father does that?

Guildford didn't need a father.

He needed protection.

And I hid him as best I could.

What would you have me do,

abandon my life at Court?

Guildford will return normal,

and you will be glad he did it.

You might even see fit to name him King.

It's like, well, I'm an Ethian polecat, right?

And the missus, she's a juicy little Ethian mouse.

So that's just...

Well, that's just fucking tense to begin with, innit?

You know, polecat and a mouse.

I might gobble her up.

Not in the fun way.

That's why I have to go off on my own once in a while, you know?

Just be by myself. My whole self.

I'd never change if I had the choice.

You're a horse.

That's not too shabby.

Come on.

Telling me you wouldn't miss that minute right after it happens,

when your heart's beating like...

like gangbusters

and your skin's all...

warm and tingly and...

for that second,

just that second,

you are totally...

...free.

How much further?

Relax, mate. All right?

You'll get your money's worth

and we'll have you back with Her Majesty in no time, Ethian no more.

I do not wish to discuss my wife.

Whatever you say, my Lord.

As King, Edward didn't even wipe his own ass.

Someone else did it for him. It's called "the Groom of the Stool." Look it up.

{n8}But now Edward must finally take his fate...

{n8} and his ass... into his own hands.

Fuck me, it worked.

What do you want?

Just to talk.

Is that a butter knife?

Tell me who you are.

I'm an actor.

Also a thief.

And a rather splendid pickpocket.

On occasion, I do dishes in exchange for room and board.

But only if the mark is very interesting.

And I suppose I'm the mark.

Of course. You're the King.

You're worth twice your weight in gold.

How'd you know I was here?

Right place, right time.

I'd wager your safe return would nab me a small fortune.

Or a big one.

And here I thought you were saving me out of chivalric tradition.

Sorry, mate.

Cold, hard cash.

All right.

I'll pay you.

You were right about this place.

My Granny is absolutely barmy. Alas.

Alas.

Let's go.

And I thought to myself, "Stan, old chap," I thought,

"How long can you sit here watching this cockfight before taking a wazz?"

Because you know the second you leave,

you miss the good part.

The death part?

Yeah. Anyway,

long story short, I took that wazz,

and the cock from Lancashire won.

Agony.

Psst.

Margaret.

A love note?

Really?

In a time before DMs,

humans wrote love notes.

Would you rather have no teeth or no fingers?

No fingers.

I really like eating.

Hmm.

Approved. Here you go.

Oh, look.

It appears young Stanley's written one, too.

Ah, Lord Scrope.

Lady... Frances is...

- is talking to me? - I am.

Now, my daughter tells me

you have a rather large...

and powerful army.

Is that true?

Uh, may I... regale you with a poem?

I would adore that.

"My lute awake.

Perform the last labor that thou and I shall waste,

and end that I have now begun.

My lute be still,

for I have done."

You're terribly clever.

It's-it's Wyatt.

Wyatt's my fave.

You know...

...I would adore a one-to-one confabulation.

Perhaps in my chambers a little later.

Margaret.

Give this to your mummy.

For you. From Stan Dudley.

Sit.

He hates you.

Hmm?

Nothing.

So, are you from...

London originally?

Or the north?

Look,

we get out of here alive, I'll tell you whatever you want to know.

Um, "alive"?

Way out's through there, but it's locked tight.

I can get the key. Stay here.

Don't move.

Fitz?

Fitz?

Edward.

A cat in a sack.

Go back to your room, Edward.

Release him.

Oh, Granny will be terribly vexed.

Or...

I throw it against the wall so hard it will be good

- for nothing more than a hand muff. - No.

I'll go with you.

Whoa!

What the fuck?

♪ Boy, you really got me goin' ♪

♪ You got me so I don't know what I'm doin' now ♪

♪ Yeah, you really got me now ♪

♪ You got me so I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You really got me now ♪

♪ You got me so I don't know what I'm doin' now ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You really got me now ♪

♪ You got me so I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ You really got me, you really got me ♪

♪ You really got me ♪

♪ Ah...

Amusing story, actually.

I wasn't always sickly.

♪ Don't ever set me free ♪

♪ I always want to be by your side ♪

Like all princes,

I was trained for war.

♪ See, don't ever set me free ♪

♪ I always want to be by your side ♪

♪ Boy ♪

♪ You really got me now ♪

♪ You got me ♪

♪ So I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you really got me now ♪

♪ You got me so I don't know what I'm doin' now ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You really got me now, you got me...

You know, Granny was wrong about you, Edward.

You're no Ethian savior.

- You saved me. - You saved me first.

- No one's ever done that for me before. - Really?

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Broken heart syndrome,

also called stress-induced cardiomyopathy,

can strike down even the healthiest of individuals.

But fear not... Jane doesn't have anything of the sort.

She merely feels winded, breathless,

sickened, jaundiced

and rather like someone has just plunged a claw into her chest

and ripped out her soul,

leaving behind only the cold but dependable comfort of...

her career.

Tell Charles to ask everyone to meet me outside for the tourney.

Rain in England.

I don't believe it.

I'd planned magic.

Magic, jugglers, jousters, a real elephant.

Best part was we were gonna eat him afterwards as well.

Dinner and a show.

Now it's all bollocksed!

Maybe not.

This is an utter failure.

I don't fail.

Bullshit.

Jane fails constantly.

But her hierarchy of needs is clear...

keep the nobility close, get their armies,

fight Mary, save the Kingdom.

Ta-da!

What fresh hell is this?

We're bowling.

I promised you a tourney while we await your armies.

This rain won't stop us.

Who's with me?

♪ Dial up my...

A snaffle! I scored a snaffle!

What's a snaffle, you query?

When it comes to Tudor sports,

don't overthink it.

Remember, these people drink wine for breakfast.

Well done, darling.

♪ Don't want it Baudelaire ♪

♪ Just glitter lust ♪

♪ Switch me on ♪

♪ Turn me up ♪

♪ I want to touch you ♪

♪ You're just made for love ♪

♪ I need la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I need ooh, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ I need la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

- ♪ I need ooh, la, la, la, la ♪♪ - My go, my go.

Lord Scrope.

May I... may I tend to you

- in my chambers? - Oh, Lady Frances. Thank you.

Are you shagging that tool?

No, darling, you do s...

Why are you ignoring me?

Because your family is tainted.

Your Lordship,

ease yourself up.

Oh, that looks so painful.

Thank you, Lady Frances.

Your hands are like butter.

Jane is realizing

that sometimes diplomacy is merely the art of cajoling

difficult people into speaking to one another.

Archer.

Norfolk.

How chivalrous you both are,

letting everyone else play first.

It's your turn now. Partner together against me and Dudley.

I'm not partnering with him.

How can we work together if we can't even play a game of bowls?

Fine.

I'll play against him.

Let's make this interesting.

If I win...

Division Law remains.

I accept the terms.

Archer.

If I win, Division Law ends.

The future of our Kingdom cannot come down to a silly bet.

Uh, I think Norfolk's idea is a capital one.

After all, it's how we divided Brittany with the French.

Trust me.

Katherine.

I'm-I'm sorry.

That note was so stupid

- and silly and just... - It wasn't.

I'm sorry for...

"Every heart sings a song incomplete

until another heart whispers back."

Your words are...

beautiful.

It's Plato.

Ah.

I knew that.

No, you didn't.

Yes, you're right. I didn't.

If you can't tell, I-I've never really courted anyone before.

I've...

never really been courted.

Weren't you married?

Yes.

For about 16 and a half hours.

I must be the only widow in the world who hasn't even been kissed.

We'll have to do something about that.

My apologies. That was awfully forward of me.

Mm...

Ahem.

What on earth

is going on?

Mother, I...

- I had something in my mouth. My eye. - I...

Yes. Looks like we got it.

- Leave. - Righty ho.

If you want to indulge in a casual affair,

I applaud it.

I've had plenty of my own.

But you cannot carry on like that with the son of the man who wants to kill us all.

What did you say?

That is William Seymour.

Lord Seymour's son and heir.

But that's impossible. He's-he's Norfolk's aide.

He's Norfolk's ward,

fostered out as a child, like all noble sons.

Which you would know if your father had lived.

Or if you had a brother.

Or if I found myself remotely interested

in keeping up with the lives of men.

He never told me.

He's probably a spy for his father,

using you to get to Jane.

You cannot see him again. Do you understand?

I forbid it.

Yes, Mother.

This is it, chaps.

The future of the Kingdom comes down to a mano a mano bowling match.

How wise.

♪ We all know the chosen toys ♪

♪ Of catty girls ♪

♪ And pretty boys, make up that face ♪

- ♪ Jump in the race ♪ - Yes.

♪ Life's a kick in this town ♪

♪ Life's a kick ♪

♪ In this town ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ This town is our town ♪

- ♪ This town ♪ - ♪ It is so glamorous...

Well done.

How do you play so well?

I've played since I was a boy.

That's impossible.

King Henry outlawed bowls for commoners.

But my father was Baron Hunsdon.

What?

You're Baz's boy?

He's Baz's son.

You're a nobleman?

I heard that Baz's boy had died.

A cover story.

When I changed,

my family sent me to France to live in safety.

Could've stayed there, but I realized my home is here.

In England.

Norfolk,

you said you knew one Ethian.

I promise, you know hundreds.

We're everywhere.

And all Verities need to accept that we're here to stay.

Game over.

Shufflebum.

Ah!

I call a grouse.

One shot each?

Winner takes all? Can he do that?

Unfortunately, he can.

♪ Is our town ♪

- ♪ This town ♪ - ♪ It is so glamorous ♪

♪ Bet you'd live here if you could ♪

♪ And be one of us ♪

Yes!

Oh...

bollocks.

Good shot.

Difficult to beat.

♪ This town is our town ♪

- ♪ This town ♪ - ♪ It is so glamorous ♪

♪ Bet you'd live here if you could ♪

♪ And be one of us ♪

♪ This town ♪♪

No, Your Majesty, I-I demand a do-over!

The beast has been using his animal powers!

No. Norfolk, you lost.

We shall all assemble this time tomorrow in the Great Hall

to sign into effect the end of Division Law.

Gods.

Oh, my.

I say, quite sure we shouldn't call Dr. Butts?

I fired him.

Why?

I love that guy.

Dad told me Guildford left you.

I mean,

uh, the Palace.

Didn't even say goodbye.

The thing about Dudleys is...

our hearts are in the right place. We just...

do really dumb stuff sometimes.

Truth is, Stan,

we got into a terrible fight.

I pushed him too far.

I don't know. It's like...

Sometimes I don't know how to stop.

I should have been more kind.

He's nuts about you.

He's just... on a quest.

N... I thought quests were meant to be noble

- and pure. - It is. Guildford's quest

is to forgive himself for...

Oh, shitballs.

Forgive himself?

For what?

I talk too much.

Dad always says it's because, one time, when I was six,

I found a very strange but beautiful mushroom.

I ate it.

For weeks afterwards, I smelled colors.

- I was convinced I had four bollocks... - Stan.

Please.

When he comes back...

...and he will come back...

...you can ask him yourself.

Scrope.

Your Majesty.

May I have a word?

Yes, of course.

Your soldiers.

Stan, we'll finish this later.

Oh, fuck me.

Your Majesty.

I had planned to do this ensuingly.

But given your...

distressing political predicament

and the fact that my astrologer has pointed out

the many favorable aspects of the day for my own personal amorous ambitions

and the futures of our potential offspring...

- What? - Your Majesty,

I feel it is incumbent upon me

to boldly offer to take...

your hand...

in marriage.

Consider the full force of my army your engagement present.

You can't propose to me, Scrope.

- I'm already married. - Uh,

hello.

Hardly.

I have it on good authority that your husband is never coming back.

Really?

Whose authority is that?

Why, your mother, of course.

Let's eat,

have a bit of a rest

and we'll pick this journey up tomorrow when you're a horse.

Can I ride you?

You won't notice I'm there.

No.

I'm gonna catch us a squirrel or something to roast.

That is assuming his fancy-pants Lordships knows how to start a fire.

Yes, I know how to start a fire.

Good.

Have at it then.

Guildford is so close to making his dream come true.

But the problem with pursuing a dream is, of course,

not the dream itself

but the tunnel vision required for its pursuit,

blinding one to the pleasure of simply being alive.

And being alive is rather wonderful.

While it lasts.

How dare you!

I say, are you drunk?

You told that idiot Scrope that I would marry him,

that Guildford is never coming back.

Yes, I did. And do you want to know why?

Please.

Because an alliance with Scrope guarantees our survival.

His father and brothers recently died,

which means that he's just inherited one of the largest armies in the Kingdom.

He is a moron, I know.

But he is loyal

and will be easy to control.

You had no right.

So while you're planning your silly tourneys

and flirting with your new pet beast,

Mary is gathering her forces and she will come for you.

You should be focusing on that.

But, oh, no,

instead, you'd rather waste your time on some ill-fated "save the Ethians" crusade

and mourn a man who abandoned you for a beast cure.

I never told you that.

No.

Oh, well,

Dudley did.

No, he didn't.

He's too ashamed.

I know you.

What did you do to Guildford?

What did you do?

Please tell me!

You should thank me.

He's gone.

And we're all safer for it.

Untie me.

Now!

Hello, horsey.

You vile fuck.

You think I'm vile, mate,

just wait till you meet the Beast Trader.

What the fuck is a Beast Trader?

Help me!

- Scream all you like. - Somebody!

No one will hear you.

Help!

Your Majesty.

What are you doing?

- Guildford's in danger. - What?

I need to find him.

It's all my fault.

Your Majesty, none of this is your fault.

What do you mean?

Ethians killed his mother.

Right in front of him.

He can't change that.

But he can find a cure.

Let me go.

I'll find him.

And I will bring him home.

Please.

Please, just let me go.

Why would I do that?

Give me one reason.

Jane.

Jane is the reason.

Jane, your wife?

True love.

All right.

So let's make a plan.

I'll take you back to the Palace

to see Her Majesty.

And then I'll...

crack you over the head with another stick

and drag you all the way back out here.

Listen to me! Listen to me!

I will earn you nothing

if you don't take this monstrosity...

...off me.

The sun will rise,

my neck will break, I will change

and then I will die!

And then you will be cured.

But don't worry.

Beast Trader will be here soon.

She's never late.

A drink.

Grant me the dignity...

of one last drink.

Fuck it. Why not?

Please.

Give me the fucking key!

Beast Trader has the only other key, my Lord.

You bellend.

Run! Run!

Dawn is coming!

Help!

Help! Please.

What in the gods...

Please. Please.

Please help.

I'm...

I'm Ethian.

And if this doesn't come off me before sunrise, I'll die! Please!

Please help.

Ethian.

Get up.

Come over here.

Thank you. Thank you.

For the first time ever,

Guildford is desperate for dawn to break.

To change.

And to return to the Palace.

To return

to Jane.

They've gone! They've gone.

- What? - Norfolk

and Scrope have absconded.

They have left like thieves in the proverbial night.

You can kiss their armies goodbye.

- They've gone? - And Mary

has been sighted on the London Road with 10,000 men.

Your Majesty.

We are out of allies!

No, we are not.

Archer, how many people can you rally to fight for me?

- What's wrong? - The nobility are gone.

Mary is coming with her army. We need to fight.

I will not send Ethians to be slaughtered.

I thought you came back to England

because you wanted it to change.

I came back here because my father was dying.

I stayed because I hoped change was possible.

But I'm sick of fighting a losing war.

Yes, but now I am fighting, too.

I wish it were enough.

But we've made other plans.

Why did you stay when I asked you?

I don't know.

Maybe I shouldn't have.

When people find out what I've done, they will support me.

I doubt that.

Where are you going?

Did you not see me?

Stanley!

I ignored you.

I am ignoring you.

Why?

I know what you did to Guildford.

I heard you speaking with Jane.

You sent my brother to die.

You are nothing but a murderess.

If you need someone to blame,

blame yourself.

You told me what he was.

You put your cock above your brother.

- Ew. - You know what I mean.

- You're leaving? - Hmm.

What have you heard?

Stanley, come back here now!

You!

Order the Royal Coach immediately!

♪ Watch the sun...

Despite everything, Jane still believes goodness will overcome bigotry,

hope will overcome fear

and when people are given the chance to do the right thing,

they will.

Division Laws are abolished.

What do you think?

Jane! We have to run!

It's over.

- Jane, please. - No.

Listen to me. If you don't escape now,

you'll die.

Look! See?

We do have support.

- Everything's fine. Norfolk is back. - Ah.

Jane.

Norfolk.

You've returned.

With your army?

You've pushed things too far.

Take her.

Take them all.

The Coach is waiting.

Go. Go now.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah... ♪

Leave me alone!

♪ Chain ♪

♪ Keep us together ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Chain ♪

♪ Keep us together ♪

♪ Oh ♪

- ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ Chain ♪

♪ Keep us together ♪♪

Jane Grey is thoroughly fucked.