Original subtitles

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, honey.

- So how was the bridge game? - I dropped a bundle.

Mabel and Clara cheated again.

I just know they're sending signals with their dentures.

Well, then why do you keep playing with them?

All my honest friends are dead.

Well, Mom, that's terrible.

You're telling me. They all owed me money.

And speaking of death and money...

how would you like to buy some insurance?

Excuse me?

Well, Mabel's son Reuben, he started selling insurance.

I think you should buy some.

Ha, ha. Forget it, Ma.

The last thing I need is more insurance.

Carl, are you okay?

Ma? ESTELLE: Yes, Carl.

Call Reuben.

Judy, you've been stalling for over an hour.

Go to bed.

Shoot.

I was this close to Arsenio.

I thought she'd never leave.

You guys got a minute?

Gee, a whole five seconds alone.

That's all it took to get Judy.

Mom, Dad, my life is over.

- What's wrong, honey? - Science class.

I'm in big trouble.

I may get a B.

I got a B once. I framed it.

Dad, this is serious.

I can't afford to get a B on my permanent record.

From now on, no parties... and no TV.

- But... - In fact, I'm grounded.

- Laura. - Don't argue.

Someday I'll thank myself for this.

Gee, I hope we weren't too hard on her.

Class.

Try to focus your vacant stares in my general direction.

Ahem. Today we'll be visiting the wonderful world of crustaceans.

Oh, dear. I left my crabs in the car.

While I'm gone, start thinking about your upcoming science project...

which will count for 50 percent of your final grade.

- Aw. - Ah, ah, ah.

You will all partner off...

and the best project will be entered in the city science fair.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yes, Steven?

Can we pick any field of scientific endeavor?

Sure, it's wide open.

All right.

Three cheers for Mr. Nagy.

Hip, hip...

Bless you, Steven.

Ahem. Fortunate indeed is the student who gets to be your partner.

Hey, Steve. Buddy, partner.

Who you bringing to my party this Saturday?

- Gee, I didn't know I was invited. - He can't go.

He has a date with me.

I do?

Urkman, partner up with me...

and I'll introduce you to every cheerleader in this town.

- No, no. - Oh, well, hey, guys, give me room.

Okay, there. Yeah. Come on, hey, hey.

Boy, some people will do anything to get a good grade.

Yeah.

You think Urkel could use a new pocket protector?

Hello, my heavenly hostess.

Why didn't you just barge in like you usually do?

Well, since this is the first time you actually invited me...

I thought I'd ring the doorbell.

Come on in.

That's quite an outfit, Steve.

Even for you.

Thanks.

My entire ensemble is comprised of gifts from desperate classmates.

All the way down to my Enrico Fermi odor eaters.

What a thoughtful gift.

So, what's on your mind, my little petri dish?

Well, I was hoping we could be partners on the science project.

Oh, you were, were you?

Well, well, well.

My, my, my.

Gee, gee, gee.

Forget it. Go home.

No, no, no. Uh...

I'm not saying that I won't be your partner.

- Then what are you saying? - I'm saying that I'm in demand.

In other words, I'm in the driver's seat, and you're the hitchhiker.

Make me pull over.

If you choose me to be your partner, our relationship might change.

I'm hitting the brake.

We'd have to spend a lot of time alone together.

Ooh, I'm pulling onto the shoulder.

Every day, and even some nights.

Ooh, I'm opening the passenger door.

And if we get an A, we can celebrate by going to a movie.

Ooh, hop in, baby.

- So we're partners? - For life.

Let's just start with the science project.

It's gotta be a killer, a guaranteed A.

No sweat, my pet.

I'll just get busy in my basement lab.

But in the meantime, I'll just make like an atom and split.

Ooh, ooh.

I'll return that to you at the movies. Oh.

Yes.

Laura?

You're going to the movies with Steve?

Well, I wanted him to be my science partner.

I had to promise him something.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Laura, don't you think you're sort of using him?

No.

Steve gets to spend time with me, and I get an A in science.

It's a fair exchange.

Honey, it's not fair.

You know, you're leading him on and Steve has real feelings for you.

They're weird Urkel feelings, but they're real.

Aunt Rachel, nobody's gonna get hurt.

I hope not, Laura.

But I'm warning you, this thing could blow up in your face.

- Who is it? LAURA: It's me, Laura.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, my goodness, gotta hide my unmentionables.

Ooh.

Welcome, my sweet.

At last you're here in my inner sanctum.

Allow me to give you the grand tour.

Bugs?

Five hundred different species, all caught and hand-mounted by yours truly.

This is Tom. This is Rufus, and that's Benny and that's...

Steve, Steve. You can introduce us later.

Just show me the project.

Okay. Right this way, right this way.

Now, fasten your seat belt...

because this baby's gonna blow your bloomers off.

Wow. This is great.

What is it?

You're looking at a 50 megaton thermonuclear device.

- You mean...? - That's right, baby.

Your very own atom bomb.

I knew you'd be thrilled.

This is just a model, right? It can't explode, or anything.

Why, of course it can. I love you too much to build you a dud.

But where'd you get that radioactive stuff?

I just called my uncle at the Pentagon, Colonel Dirk Urkel.

There's an Urkel in our Defense Department?

Uncle Dirk sent me some uranium scraps.

C.O.D.

Steve, isn't this against the law?

Oh, sure.

Possession of a deadly radioactive substance is a federal offense...

punishable by life in prison.

But hey, no guts, no glory.

Steve, I can't go to jail.

Don't you know what they do to cops' kids in jail?

Unh. Easy. Easy.

Ea... Oh, oh, oh.

Easy, the coat is rented.

Well, you said you wanted a killer project...

a guaranteed A, so I built you an A-bomb. Get it?

But what if it goes off?

Impossible, my cautious cutie.

The detonator is computerized and voice activated.

So it can only go off by saying one very special word.

"Buttercup"?

The computer will only recognize my voice pattern.

Now, don't worry your pretty little head.

Just polish our bomb, and make it look nice for the judges.

Sweets for the sweet.

Perhaps a Jujubee, or a chocolate Kiss?

No, thank you.

Not even a peanut butter cup?

Uh-oh. You have activated your nuclear device.

Ten minutes until a really big boom. Boom.

Steve, stop kidding around. This isn't funny.

- Well, you're telling me. - Turn it off.

I can't. It's equipped with a fail-safe device.

Once the program has been activated, it can't be stopped.

You got that right, bub.

Ouch. Why, I ought to vaporize you right now.

We have to do something.

Oh, now that's just plain pathetic.

Don't panic, my love.

If I remember correctly, the safest place to be during a nuclear explosion...

is in a reinforced basement.

Not when the bomb is in the basement with you.

Good point. Panic.

Seven minutes left.

You're about to be exposed to 3 billion rads of deadly radiation.

But look on the bright side, soon you'll be your own night light.

- Where are you going, my nuclear nymph? - I have to warn my family.

Besides, yours is not the last face I wanna see.

Let's talk homeowner's insurance.

Your home is a big investment, and it needs big protection.

Reuben, we're already covered for fire, flood, locusts, mosquitoes...

How about tornados?

Mom, Dad.

Urkel built an atom bomb, and it's about to go off.

Carl, I'm worried about Laura.

She's obviously been studying too hard.

- Yeah, she's snapped. - I haven't snapped.

Urkel really did build an atomic bomb and it is about to go off.

That doesn't sound like our Steve.

Well, actually, it was my fault.

I put him up to it.

Do you see what your daughter has done?

Oh, sure, she makes the honor roll, she's your daughter.

She blows up the world, she's my daughter.

Laura, there is absolutely no excuse for your behavior.

You are grounded for...

- When is the bomb going off? - Five minutes.

For five minutes.

Now, go to your room and stay there until you're blown out of it.

You guys. We're gonna die.

Well, that's life.

That's what people say.

You're riding high in April, blown up in May.

But we're not gonna let it get us down

'Cause this fine old world Keeps spinning 'round

I've been a puppet - A pauper - A pirate

- A poet - A pawn And a king

I've been up and down And over and out

And I know one thing

Each time I find myself Flat on my face

I just pick myself up

And get back in the race

That's life That's life

- That's what the people say - That's life

You're riding high

911. I'll dial 911.

- Do you mind? - Eddie, hang up.

Forget it, Laura. I'm on the phone with Jolene.

She thinks I'm cuter than Fresh Prince.

I need the phone. It's an emergency.

So is this. I don't have a date yet for Saturday night. Aah!

There won't be a Saturday night if you don't give me that phone.

Aah! Get off of me. Let me go.

Go away. Unh!

Eddie.

Hello, Laura.

Aunt Rachel?

So you used Steve, and now he's gonna blow us all up.

But how can you be an angel and the bomb hasn't even gone off yet?

Oh, Laura, why wait till the last minute?

Besides, I want to look my best for St. Peter.

Aunt Rachel, you were right.

You said if I used Steve, it would blow up in my face.

Can you ever forgive me?

Well, sure, I can. But I'm not so sure about St. Peter.

After all, destroying Chicago won't look good on your permanent record.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Did I do that?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Oh.

I'm alive.

You're alive.

Oh. Calm down, Laura.

You were just having a nightmare.

It was terrible.

You built an atom bomb for our science project.

Mr. Nagy was selling insurance.

My parents were singing off-key.

And then we blew up Chicago.

Well, gee, Laura. I'd never build an atom bomb.

Although, I could.

Steve, sit down.

Look, I owe you an apology.

The only reason I asked you to be my partner...

was because I was worried about my grade.

When I said my feelings for you might change, I was lying...

and I'm sorry.

So you used me.

You trifled with my emotions.

I offered you my heart and you stomped that sucker flat.

Yes.

No biggie.

- What? - Well, you fessed up.

That's what counts.

Your honesty only makes me love you more.

- So will you still be my partner? - Hey, you bet, my pet.

Thanks, Steve.

Hold it.

A few minutes ago, was it just my imagination...

or did you actually hug me?

- I hugged you. - Just checking.

Ladies and gentlemen...

presenting the world's greatest science project, the Laura.

- Oh, Steve. - Hey, that is neat.

- Yeah, and it looks real. - Of course it's real.

The Laura has a perfectly calibrated solid fuel to mass ratio.

Why, this baby could make it to the moon and back.

Well, hop on, and take off.

You could be the first Urkel in space.

Yeah, make it fly.

No. No rocket launching in the house.

Not to worry, Winslows.

The Laura can only be launched...

by punching in a complicated series of commands into the remote control.

Oops.

Gee, what a beautiful day.

Uh, come here, Steve. - Uh-uh.

Come here. Come here. - Uh-uh.

Come here, Steve. Get him.

Get him.