Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Newsreel of the Stars.

Dateline, Hollywood, 1930. The Warner Bros. studio.

Home of the biggest stars in Tinseltown.

Here at the studio's new animation department,

the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars,

ultimately creating three new characters:

the Warner brothers and their sister Dot.

ALL: Hello, Nurse!

Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control,

and sent the animators running to the hills.

ALL: Bye!

Boingy! Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!

The trio ran amuck throughout the studio,

creating utter chaos.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Finally, they were captured.

The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense,

were locked away in the studio vault,

never to be released.

As for the Warners themselves, who made even less sense,

they were locked away in the studio water tower,

also never to be released.

Publicly, the studio has disavowed

any knowledge of the Warners' existence

to this very day, when the Warners escaped.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Here's the show's name-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

NARRATOR: And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Requiem for a Lamb."

Mary had a little lamb

With mint jelly

Thank you.

[FINGERS SNAPPING]

NARRATOR: This has been another visit to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

[***]

ALL: * Ravioli, pepperoni Tortellini and spumoni *

* Funicello, Mastroianni Toscanini, baked salami *

* Minestrone, extra cheesy *

* Fried scungilli * * Over easy *

ALL: * Muscatel, apple betty Rigatoni and spaghetti *

* La, la, la, la La, la, la, la *

* La, la, la, la, la, hey! *

[DOOR OPENS & CLOSES]

I...think the cartoon just started.

What are those kids doing

in my personal and private booth?

I don't know, Godfather.

You want we should off 'em, boss?

No. This infringement I will handle on my own.

[CLEARS THROAT]

We're not ready to order yet.

[KISSING SOUNDS]

[GROWLING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

All right, already.

We'll have the pisghetti and meatballs.

I'm not your waiter.

I am Don Pepperoni, the Godfather.

Can we call you "Daddoo"?

You will call me "the Godfather."

I like "Daddoo" better. Me too.

This is my booth, and I want you out.

But we were here first.

Hey, why don't you go sit in one of those other booths, Daddoo?

Stop calling me "Daddoo." I'm the Godfather,

and that's my booth and I want you out.

Looks like somebody never learned to share.

You come here to this restaurant,

sit in my personal and private booth and insult me?

Of course not. If we wanted to insult you,

we would have called you "Tubby Mushroomhead Man."

[GROANS]

Show these kids the door.

That's okay. We can see it from here.

YAKKO: Ooh, nice door.

WAKKO: Faboo.

DOT: Great hinges.

Was it something we said?

Waiter. Waiter!

Bring me my pasta.

[***]

BOTH: * You called out for a waiter Here we are for you *

* We'll serve your food Much later *

* We're the Warner Waiter Two *

* Don't order the fondue *

Now, for lunch.

Allow me to suggest the chef's salad.

The chef couldn't finish his.

DON PEPPERONI: That's disgusting.

So, what'll it be, Daddoo? The calamari or the squid?

The calamari is squid.

Well, how 'bout the pasta or the noodles?

The pasta is noodles.

Well, would you like red sauce or marinara?

Marinara is red sauce.

Zucchini or squash? Ham or prosciutto?

Drink or beverage?

They're all the same!

Do you realize this cuts our menu in half?

That does it!

[GOONS GROWLING]

Hey, I can do that.

[SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING]

WARNERS: * Aye, aye, aye, aye *

Stop it!

Remove these little pests.

BOTH: Yes, Don Pepperoni.

ALL: Eww!

Now!

BOTH: What happened?

Eww.

You've been eating garlic.

Why, you lousy kid.

WAKKO: Is there a problem, sir?

I can have you all fitted for cement shoes.

Ooh, can I see something in a perky pump?

How big a fool do you think I am?

Let's see.

Oh, about a size 8, double D.

How does this fit, Daddoo?

Ooh, these are comfy.

Hey.

You're gonna be sleeping with the fishes tonight.

Can we all go?

Is Jimmy Hoffa there?

Will he read to us?

Get rid of them!

[WET KISSING SOUNDS]

Eww!

Aren't you worried about germs?

[STAMMERING]

Out!

Oof! I am stupefied as to what has just occurred.

Father's home. Daddy.

Daddy. Daddoo. Daddy.

I put my pet in your pocket.

[SNARLING]

Where's Mommy? Still married to the mob?

Give us a kiss.

Garlic. Here. Have a lifesaver.

[YELLING]

[PLAYING ITALIAN MUSIC]

ALL: * Speak softly, love And we will sing a serenade *

* To fill your heart With gentle love *

* While music plays *

* The night is young *

* The day is through *

ALL: * And we were sitting here before you *

Out, out, out, out!

Was the song really that bad?

ALL: Ugh!

[AUSTRIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Come in and enjoy the schnitzel.

Huh? Huh? Huh?

[PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

Like, coolsville, daddy-O.

[HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, if it isn't the big kahuna.

And his two little kahunas.

Apple poi or cherry poi?

No, no, no.

I want my booth. I want my waiter.

I want my spaghetti!

Pisghetti?

Yes. I want spaghetti.

On second thought, please, I give up.

Can we make a deal?

A deeeeal?

Yes, anything.

[ITALIAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL SLURPING]

How you like the pisghetti, huh?

ALL: Eww.

The food's great, but the service stinks.

ANNOUNCER: It's Mime Time.

Today on Mime Time:

lifting an imaginary barbell.

The end.

[***]

ALL: * Lake Titicaca Oh, Lake Titicaca *

* It's between Bolivia and Peru *

* Lake Titicaca Oh, Lake Titicaca *

* With waters tranquil And blue *

* Oh, Lake Titicaca Yes, Lake Titicaca *

* Why do we sing of its fame? *

* Lake Titicaca Yes, Lake Titicaca *

* 'Cause we really like Saying its name *

* Titicaca! *

Okay, so one time Randy Beaman's cat

ate this fish from the fish tank,

but the fish was a piranha

and it lived inside the cat forever,

and the cat became "Piranha Cat."

Okay, bye.

[***]

WARNERS: * Like Abbott and Costello Like Sonny and Cher *

* Like Martin and Lewis They're a perfect pair *

* Like Laurel and Hardy Like Fontanne and Lunt *

* They're perfectly mismatched They're Rita and Runt *

[***]

* We're off to Florida To lie in the sun *

* Enjoy my leisure time *

* And have some fun * Tallahassee

* We're off to Florida Where the smart people go *

* We're off to Florida *

* Where the tropical Breezes blow *

* Take me to Florida To play on the sand *

* Sleep in the mangroves And eat off the land *

Ahh.

RITA: Feels like we're comin' in for a landing, Runt.

RUNT: Sarasota, here we come.

[TIRES SKIDDING]

Hello, Florida.

[WIND HOWLING]

So much for global warming.

RUNT: Snow. I love snow.

I didn't know it snowed in Florida.

It doesn't snow in Florida.

Well, that could only mean one thing,

but, uh, unfortunately, I have no idea what that is.

It means we're gonna freeze our patoots

if we don't find someplace warm.

Oh, that's bad, definitely bad.

I don't want my patoot frozen.

Nobody likes a frozen patoot.

Uh, Rita, what's a patoot?

Stop talking, Runt.

Okay.

[SEAL BARKING]

[SNIFFING]

MAN: Hey, dog, get away from there.

That is no fire hydrant. It is a dogsled.

Boy, you dumb.

Dumber than the federal government.

Let me tell you about government.

Think of your money as meat. And I'm government.

Now, I slice off a big chunk of your money as taxes

and throw it to the dogs.

Then I do it again.

Hmm.

I'm gonna make you a business proposition, friend.

Now, I want you to hear me out on this.

See, I'm running for president, and I got a dogsled

full of campaign promises

that I gotta get to a fundraiser in Fairbanks by tomorrow night.

Well, the trouble is I got no dog.

Bottom line: you wanna pull my sled?

[BARKING]

Good deal. Problem solved.

My first volunteer. Proud to have you.

Now, mush!

Well, now, that's just sad.

You remind me of the do-nothings in Congress.

Bunch of buffoons.

All right, let's try it again. Hit the road, bub.

Oh, am I in this cartoon too?

No, no, no felines. I hate felines.

Only thing I hate more than a feline

is a Washington lobbyist. Now, get.

Yeow!

Loyalty. I like that in a pack dog and in a volunteer.

All right, pardner, you win.

Now, uh, will you please mush?

[BARKING]

[***]

I'll tell you what, here's the deal:

I'll pitch the tent, then we'll cook up some beans.

Beans? Yech!

Yeow!

The fish are biting.

Oh, boy. Fish.

MAN: Well, lookie here.

Dang. You are one industrious dog.

I like that. Good dog.

I feel used.

[HARMONICA PLAYING "HOME ON THE RANGE"]

[BELCHES]

[YAWNS]

Well, time to turn in.

We got a big day tomorrow. Come on, pardner.

MAN: Now, hold it right there.

Campaign staff only. No felines.

* They say a smile Will do the trick *

* With a little charm Laid on thick *

* But listen, folks Forget those strokes *

* 'Cause cats always get The short end of the stick *

[SIGHS]

[BEAR GROWLING]

Runt. Wake up, Runt.

[SNORING]

Sleeping Beauty.

[ROARS] [SCREAMS]

Hey, your shoes are untied.

Huh?

[GROANING]

[SIZZLING]

[YELPING]

What happened? Huh?

[BARKING]

Well, I'll swear, you got more guts

than Al Gore at a lumberjacks' convention.

That's why I like dogs. A feline would never do that.

MAN: Let's get some shuteye.

We gotta catch a boat for Fairbanks in the morning.

* Cats always get The short end of the stick *

MAN: There's the boat.

Mush.

I'm gonna hurl.

MAN: Hurry! It's gonna leave without us.

MAN: Now, don't quit.

Didn't work for me and it ain't gonna work for you.

I gotta get to that fundraiser.

Get up and mush, boy.

[ICE CRACKING]

Uh-oh.

Help!

Don't just lie there. Do something.

Help. Heeeelp!

I hate to risk one of my lives for a politician.

Heeeeeeeelp!

Help!

[YELPS]

[***]

Good job. I would have done it myself,

but I keep slippin'.

[GRUNTS]

I don't know what to say, pardner.

Only a genius pack dog

would send a dumb feline out with a rope.

Now, that's management.

That does it. I'm outta here.

Good dog. Good dog.

I pull the Lassie maneuver of the century,

and he's the good dog?

That's it. I'm votin' Democrat.

[***]

* I'll take my chances And I'll go it alone *

* Leave Runt behind me And be on my own *

* Head to the tropics Where summer's in season *

* The sooner the better *

* 'Cause, man My butt is freezing *

[HORN HONKS]

Hi, Rita.

I thought you were staying with Mr. Politician.

We had a difference of opinion. I resigned.

You dumb dog. I quit!

No, I don't. I'm back. I quit. No, I'm back.

I'm good. I quit.

No, I stop. I'm back. I quit. I'm back.

[STAMMERING] I quit. I'm back. I quit.

Did I say I quit? I'm back.

You know what, Rita? Politics is really hard.

What did you two guys disagree about?

Well, we were at odds over how to reduce the deficit.

As a dog, I think we should reduce the deficit,

but not if it means cutting into programs

like federally funded squeezy toys,

and chew bones, and flea dips--

Oh, and fire hydrants--

RITA: Stop talking, Runt.

[***]

ANNOUNCER: It's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Good idea:

drinking fresh milk from the carton.

Bad idea:

drinking fresh milk from the cow.

[BELLOWS]

The end.

[***]

YAKKO: Good night, Dot. Night, Wakko.

DOT: Good night, Yakko. Good night, Wakko.

WAKKO: Nighty night, Dot. Night, Yakko.

YAKKO: Good night, Elvis.

ELVIS: Thank you very much,

but I don't want anybody to know I'm here.