Original subtitles

Chopper.

Well done, Pitkin!

(Conspiratorial growling)

Two ounces over, Mr Grimsdale.

(Whispering) It's all right, Pitkin, it's mostly bone.

Oh.

There you are, Mrs Cudforth, the best New Zealand lamb.

15 and ninepence.

(Whining)

(Yelps)

(Whining)

(Mr Grimsdale) Take 15 and nine, please, Amy.

Robbery! How many times do I have to tell you

we're not here to give the dogs free meat!

It was mostly bone.

The next time a dog comes into this shop, I'll deal with it.

He means he's gonna put it in his sausage meat.

You're not suggesting Mr Grimsdale uses dog meat in his sausages?

Here, Mr Grimsdale.

Show him your gold watch and chain.

"From the..."

(Both) "...Association of Midland Family Butchers and Poulterers."

"First prize..."

"First prize for quality and hygiene."

It's my proudest possession, Mrs Cudforth.

Oh, yes? That's nice.

Good morning.

Thank you, Pitkin.

Next, please.

I'll have a pound of potatoes, two tins of sardines

and a half hundredweight of coal.

Mr Grimsdale?

What, might I ask, is the time by your gold watch and chain?

- One o'clock, Pitkin. - Oh, yes, of course.

Early closing, innit?

(Whimpering) W-What are you doing?

That could go off.

Give over. Don't do that, Pitkin!

(Stammering)

Oi, you!

Open the till.

- (Groaning) - Women.

Watch, watch.

- Hide it. - Can't, I've got my hands up.

Open your mouth.

Don't move, don't move.

You got a bit hanging.

(Gunshot)

(Gulps)

I've swallowed it!

(Thud)

You murderer!

Stop! Help! Police!

Help! Help! Help!

Help! Police! Police!

Never mind the police, call an ambulance, you...

Yes, Mr Grimsdale.

Oh!

(Gibbering)

Hello? Hello, send an ambulance, please.

- I don't need an ambulance. - Mr Grimsdale does.

Yes, urgent! It's Grimsdale's in the high street.

The butchers.

And poulterers!

Oh, they've gone now.

Mr Grimsdale? Mr Grimsdale, are you all right, hey?

My last seconds are ticking away, Pitkin.

I know, I can hear 'em!

How long will the ambulance be?

About 18 feet, Mr Grimsdale.

(Siren bell)

The ambulance is coming! Mr Grimsdale!

It's ringing!

Mis... Oh, Mr Grimsdale!

Now-now-now try to hang on!

Mr Grimsdale! They're here!

(Tyres squealing)

Hurry up! I think he's going!

(Gasping in pain)

- Stretcher case? - Course he is.

Mr Grimsdale swallowed his gold watch and chain.

Ooh!

Blood.

He's new on the job.

(Creaking)

(Groaning)

(Crashing)

- He's gone! - Gone?

- What did you say? - He's gone!

- Ohhh... - Oh, no!

Ooh!

Oh!

(Siren bell)

If the inspection goes well,

it means a large donation for the Children's Sunshine Holiday Home.

- We're still L#20,000 short. - Lady Brinkley's signed bigger cheques.

Hello. How nice of you to come. How are you?

I'm all right, only Mr Grimsdale swallowed his gold watch...

Lady Brinkley.

Do come this way.

Before we start, one pleasant little formality.

Please, Nurse.

Thank you.

- Aren't they lovely? - Yes, isn't it?

- Shall we? - Oh, yes, of course.

- Nurse, how long... - Don't worry.

When a porter's available, Mr Grimsdale will be taken to Casualty.

I don't mind taking him to Casualty...

meself.

- Comfy, Mr Grimsdale? - I'm sinking fast, Pitkin.

I can hear the angels singing.

I can't hear 'em.

You're not so near to them as I am, are you?

Don't worry, Mr Grimsdale, I'll get a porter meself.

PORTER!

(Echoing)

Porter!

Shhhh.

Shall we, er...?

(Quietly) Porter?

I'll take you to Casualty meself, Mr Grimsdale!

(Tyres squealing)

I'll race you.

Ooh! Ah! Look out!

You... You clumsy...!

(Tyres squealing, Norman yelling)

Oi!

(Norman) Hey! Hey!

(Crashing, glass shattering)

Yeeeeoooow!

We spare no effort to speed our patients on the road to recovery...

(Honking)

- Emergency! - (Honking)

(Gasping)

(Shrieking)

(Trolley crashing down stairs)

(Norman grunting)

It's all right, bit of a hold-up but don't worry,

I'll soon have you in Casualty.

Oh, my dear Lady Brinkley! What has happened?

- I'm so sorry! You're not hurt? - This is dreadful!

Matron, look after Lady Brinkley. Pick up the flowers.

I must go. Excuse me!

Great heavens! Who was it? Find him! I want him!

I'm most terribly sorry. How can I make amends?

- A glass of brandy, perhaps? - I want...

I want to go home! Get my car.

- I do understand. Perhaps tomorrow? - Oh, no! lmpossible!

- We would be very honoured. - Very well!

- Thank you, Lady Brinkley. - Thank you, Lady Brinkley!

- Can't I stay with him? - No. You're putting the surgeon off.

Don't worry, it's quite a simple matter. Cheer up.

You go to the waiting room and if there's any news, I'll call.

Thank you very much.

(Baby crying)

Mr Grimsdale!

- 'Ere, how did they get... - Shh.

- (lnaudible) - No! Did they?

(lnaudible)

Cor, they didn't, Mr Grimsdale.

Oh, Mr Grims... It must've been very...

That's enough, Pitkin. Sufficient to say it were extremely uncomfortable.

Well, I think you've been snatched from death's door.

From the very threshold, Pitkin.

- Miracle, Mr Grimsdale. A miracle. - A miracle, Pitkin.

- Miracle. - A miracle.

- Mir... How long will you be here? - Months.

I'm still on the danger list.

I'll have to lie very still for a month, then it depends on the doctor.

The doctor said you can go out tomorrow, Mr Grimsdale.

I should let him rest now.

Pitkin. Take my watch...

Oh, can I, Mr Grimsdale?

...and lock it up in the safe.

Yes, Mr Grimsdale. You can rely on me.

'Ere, I can wear it in the daytime, can't I, Mr Grimsdale?

Mr Grimsdale?

- YOU DROPPED OFF? - Shh!

(Whistling merrily)

We're very fortunate to have a second chance,

so let's make sure nothing goes wrong this time.

Hey, take it easy! What are you doing?

How kind of you to...

Oh, please, do you mind? Excuse me, please. Lady...

Oh!

(Laughing nervously)

- I, er... Oh. - (Norman giggling)

(Clears throat)

- I apologise for this little spot of bother. - Please, don't worry.

- No one's been hurt, have they? - Go away.

Please, Lady Brinkley.

Ain't it marvellous?

Oh, Mr Grimsdale!

You look wonderful!

(Cooing)

I feel wonderful, Pitkin.

- It's a... - (Both) Miracle.

Performed by a doctor dedicated to the cause of suffering humanity.

Oh, the way you say it.

Say what?

That suffering bit. Whatever you said.

Dedicated to the cause of suffering humanity.

That's what we're gonna be,

to show our gratitude for my amazing recovery.

Dedicated to the cause of suffering humanity.

'Ere, Mr Grimsdale, we've had. Well...

a sort of call, haven't we?

We have that, Pitkin, we have that. Come on!

Oh, ooh!

(Groaning)

- What about it? - What about what?

The call we've had! I know!

Look at the way you slice up meat and saw through bone.

You could be a surgeon!

That's feasible. A surgeon, yes.

The best surgeon in the whole world.

Now, I'd probably be no better than the rest of them.

- Ohhh. - All right. I'll get dressed,

you fix up a date for us to enrol as students...

Us? You mean me as well?

Yes, of course. Even surgeons have assistants.

Yeah, course.

For sharpening up the knives and swabbing up all the pools of blood.

Eughhh.

(Buzzer)

Hello, surgical ward.

No, Doctor, he hasn't arrived.

Oh, Nurse, oh. Excuse me.

- I wanna fix up a date, you see... - Shh.

Half past seven. Back door of the hostel.

Oh, no! Oh, no, no. You misunderstand me. You see...

Oh, no, I don't. You men are all alike.

Now, here, it's...

Are you here to philander

or will you join your fellow students in the study of dentistry?

Study... Here, that's just what I want to do, study.

Well, for heaven's sake, man, come along.

What is your name?

Um... Pitkin, sir.

Well, Pitkin.

I must insist that you control your excessive libido towards the ladies.

Right, ladies and gentlemen.

Check your equipment.

Send them in.

This way, please.

Hey...

Old Crankshaw won't tolerate students associating with women,

so, er, keep away from them, hm?

Oh, I will.

You're a woman... and you're pretty.

- So you'll have to find another chair. - I will not.

But Old Crankshaw won't tolerate...

I have been waiting here an hour.

I can't help that! Come on, hop it!

I will do no such thing!

Now, look, miss, I'm not gonna get slung out now I'm in. Come on!

- Come on. Oh, come on! - Oh! Oh!

(Woman) Oh, please! (Norman) Come on out. Come on!

(Woman) Help! Oh!

(Woman gasping)

(Norman) Come on! Out of it.

Pitkin!

You imbecile! You sex maniac!

- Benson, look after this lady. - Certainly.

- Sir Hector would like to see you. - Yes, all right.

Please accept my apologies.

Pitkin!

This is your last chance. Your very last chance.

Take over that chair.

Ooh...

(Metallic clang)

You're, erm... You're new here, aren't you?

First time.

Let's just get him up, eh?

Now, you do everything I do.

Rinse your mouth with this

and spit into the bowl.

(Gulps)

(Splash!)

(Splashing)

(Exhales)

Right.

- Is that the one? - (Muffled) Yes.

- Is that it? - Yes.

- Is that the one? - (Screams)

(High-pitched humming)

Thank you. Take your foot off.

Take your foot off!

Pull it out.

No, the tooth.

(Norman grunting)

(Grunting continues)

- (Creaking) - (Screaming)

Oh! (Gasping)

And finally, we come to the dental clinic -

if I may say so, the finest in Europe.

We have all the latest equipment - the chairs are very comfortable.

- You've done it most beautifully. - Thank you.

Please!

There. That didn't hurt, did it?

This is the first time I've voluntarily sat in a dentist's chair.

(Creaking, pop!)

There, that didn't hurt, did it?

No.

You!

You! Lord Hector, I have been looking all over the place for you.

Me and Mr Grimsdale, we've had the call.

Get out and never come back! You're banned from this hospital for all time!

Banned? But I've been helping suffering humanity.

Get out and never come back! Get him out. Out!

Shh.

Don't give me away.

Have they gone?

(Footsteps)

Hello, John.

Hello. What's your name?

Aren't you gonna tell me?

Of course I know, really. It's Lindy, isn't it? Lindy Walker.

I'd like to hear you say it.

- She's making no headway at all. - None. Quite the reverse.

She hasn't spoken or smiled or shown interest?

- No, Doctor. - Then I'm afraid we'll just have to wait.

Must we wait? Can't we do something now?

- I'm sorry, Doctor. - It's all right. Shock isn't easy to treat.

When Lindy lost her parents in that plane crash,

she lost the only effective cure-love.

- There's nothing we can do? - Little except watch her carefully

and hope something gives her back the will to live.

Ohh... Oh, that's it.

Funny, you know...

When you didn't give me away just now...

Oh, I was very happy.

Cos you see, well, I thought, well...

perhaps you liked me.

But it's really only cos you didn't want to talk, isn't it?

Yeah, well, I, erm...

I must go.

Erm... Lindy?

Look, my name's Mr Pitkin.

Erm...

You haven't got anyone to kiss you good night or anything, have you?

Well, far be it from me to push myself forward

but, erm, well...

What do you reckon?

Well, cos if you can't talk then you can't say no, can you?

So, erm...

you...

You ready, then?

(Norman giggling)

Oh. Your nose is in the way.

Now we are friends, aren't we?

I've gotta...

I must, cos look at the time.

Erm, er...

Just a minute, Mr...?

- Pitkin. - Thank you, Mr Pitkin.

What for?

You obviously don't realise but you've just done something wonderful.

- Me? - Mm. You must have a gift.

Oh, no, no, I don't want anything, me and Mr Grimsdale do it for nothing.

See, we've had the call.

Naturally, he's had it stronger than I have,

and he's more interested in the cutting up side.

- I beg your pardon? - Surgery.

- You will come and see Lindy again? - Can I have permission?

Of course you can. Just ask for Nurse Haskell.

- Nurse Haskell. - Promise you will.

Oh, yeah, I-I promise.

- What about your watch? - Oh, yeah.

I'll, er...

I'll collect it next time.

All right. We'll take care of it for you.

I promise, Lady Brinkley, he will be reprimanded in no uncertain manner.

(Exhales angrily)

Goodbye, Nurse.

- Here I am, Pitkin. - Come on, Mr Grimsdale, hurry up!

Don't rush me, Pitkin, there's plenty of time.

Have I forgotten anything? Is my watch in the safe?

- Not in the safe itself... - What have you done with my watch?

There was this little girl in the children's ward - Lindy.

You haven't given my watch to a child? Get it back at once!

- I can't, the governor's banned me. - What?

But it's all right. Nurse Haskell has fixed it.

Oh, has she? Where is the governor?

Hm. A few judicious words from me...

That's it! Then I'll be able to see Lindy.

Aye, and get my watch back.

He's in a nasty mood, Mr Grimsdale.

A donation will put that right. Money talks, you know.

Now, look here, Sir Hector. What is all this about?

(lnaudible)

You will not set foot in this hospital again. Is that clear?

No! Nurse Haskell has said he can go into the children's ward, so there!

Oh, she has, has she? We'll see about that.

Mr Grimsdale, please, you'll get her into trouble!

Children's ward, please. Send Nurse Haskell into me at once.

The donation. Remember? Money talks.

(Clearing throat)

(lnaudible)

Nurse Haskell, how dare you give permission...

(lnaudible)

Nurse, please, give me a chance to explain cos...

Nurse! Back to your ward, at once.

(Angry grunting)

(lnaudible)

Outside. Don't take all day!

It's all your fault, now we've both been banned.

- I'm sorry, Mr Grimsdale. - Never mind.

We'll find another way in and you can see that little girl, eh?

- Then you can have your watch back. - Oh.

- That's it! St John's Ambulance... - (Both) Brigade!

(Whispering, inaudible)

Psst! Pssst!

Come up the front!

So much for the theoretical application of first aid. Any questions?

Please, sir? Sir?

- Yes? - Erm...

When do we get our uniforms, sir?

- You can have mine. - Thank you, sir.

(Recruits laughing)

Sit down!

You'll get your uniform when you've passed your examination like the others.

Now, a practical demonstration of first aid in action.

For this, we shall need a volunteer patient.

Name?

Pitkin.

Stand over here, Pitkin, will you?

Now...

I want you to imagine that Pitkin here has fallen off a very high roof.

He's broken both legs,

broken both arms,

fractured his pelvis and he's fractured his skull.

And he's been kicked in the face by a horse.

- With iron hooves on? - If you like.

You lie down and simulate the injuries I've described.

Oh! Ah! Oh, me broken legs!

Simulate on the table, not on the floor, where the class can see you.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. (Wailing)

And keep quiet! You're unconscious!

Now, I want you to remember that first aid, when administered promptly,

can save a patient's life.

In the case of multiple injuries as I've described, speed is a vital factor.

Now, um... Wilkinson. Jones. On splints. Collect them from Mr Welsh.

And Redman, Brown, bandages. Collect them from Mr Stuart.

Now, prepare to advance on patient...

Wait for it. Ah, ah, ah.

(Whistle)

(Norman) Ooh! Ah!

(Norman) Don't! Don't! No.

Don't. Oh, no! (Whimpering)

Faster, faster!

(Norman) Let me go. Oh, please!

(Phone)

Somebody answer the phone.

- Emergency, sir. - What?

Football. The away team have a penalty, the crowd are going mad!

Right. Every available man on the ambulances.

It'll be a good chance to see some action.

- (Alarm bell) - Hurry up. Quickly.

Go to it. Go to it, now.

(Norman yelling)

(Alarm horn)

Ooh!

(Muffled screaming)

(Sirens)

Come on there!

- All right. - Step to it, man.

Pitkin will be disappointed he missed the excitement.

(Muffled grunting)

(Shrieks)

Afternoon.

What's he doing out of bed?

- Seems like a new patient, Doctor. - Yeah.

(Muffled grunting)

He appears restless. We'd better quieten him down.

Then we can get him to the operating theatre.

(Muffled protests)

With all these injuries, one hardly knows where to stick it.

(Nurse clears throat)

(Yelps)

- Start to count. - There's nothing wrong!

(Tensely) One, two...

three, four...

(Slow and relaxed) five...

six...

sevennn...

- eight... - How many?

Eich...

Nurse, start removing the bandages in 15 minutes.

Yes, Doctor.

Now, don't move. And what have you been up to?

(Sleepily) Oh... Oh, it was terrible.

I've been going round and round...

Don't worry. The hospital can take care of you.

Oh, well, I've been banned from the hospital.

- How did you get in, then? - Through... through the window.

Win... In the ambulance?

On it.

On top of it. On the roof?

- Really? - But there's nothing wrong with me.

No, of course there isn't.

If you'll excuse me just for a moment, I'll be straight back.

Dr Meadows, please.

Hello, Doctor? Nurse Rudkin here. That accident case has just come round.

He's saying the most peculiar things. You'd better come at once.

- Nurse... - He's gone, Doctor!

What?

Oh, I'm so glad I'm off duty.

There's a patient missing from Emergency.

Dangerous too. Bit, er, you know.

You going on duty or coming off?

(Posh accent) Actually, I'm, erm... going on.

Oh, poor you.

I've got a date with Dr Mason. He's so gorgeous.

Blue eyes and a Bentley to match.

Cute, don't you think? Saves time and makes one feel like a new girl.

You got one?

Ooh!

No, not yet.

Oh, well. Better get my new face ready.

Face?

Be a darling and hand me the towel, will you?

Yes!

(Shower starts)

- Here you are. - I'm over here!

Oh, clumsy!

Matron, what is going on?

A patient has gone berserk and is running amok in the hospital.

This would happen! Whatever you do, keep him away from the main hall.

I'm going there to be interviewed by the press.

(High voice) Hello, Lindy.

Lindy, hello.

(Normal voice) Lindy, it's me.

- Don't you know me? - Nurse?

Nurse.

Mr Pitkin. Why are you dressed like this?

Well, of course, I won't go all round bushes

but they was going to operate on me, so I had to get away.

- So you're the escaped patient. - Expect so.

Sorry I look so silly in these

but it was the only way I could keep my promise to see Lindy.

- Lindy thinks the world of you. - Really?

Children are quick to sense a kind and lovable man.

Oh, erm... What about grown-ups?

I mean... Are they quick to...?

You realise you can't stay here like this.

- Remember last time. - Can't I see Lindy just for a minute?

No work to do?

Nurse.

This is not your ward, is it?

(High voice) Me? Erm...

- No. - Well, what are you doing here?

(Stammering)

He... She's just popped over from the men's ward, Matron.

Just popped... I was going to borrow, erm...

- what's-her-name. - You're new here, aren't you?

Yes. Very, very new.

You're on probation.

No, but er... I will be if I get caught.

Extraordinary girl.

Nurse!

(Exaggerated groaning)

What is wrong? What do you want?

- (lnaudible) - Hm?

I can't hear a word you're saying.

- What? - (lnaudible)

Speak up.

- Ah! - Ah. (Hooting)

Nurse?

Bed number five.

(Normal voice) I thought it was...

two boiled eggs, bread and butter.

- (High voice) And a pot of tea. - Report to my office immediately.

Could we have a nurse with you? The feminine touch is more interesting.

I'm sure but they're much too busy.

Oh, Nurse! Just one moment, dear.

How would you like your picture taken with Sir Hector?

Me? Well, I can hardly say no, can I?

- Hello again. - Oh, er... hello.

Hold it.

- Please, please, not my arm. - One more.

Wait, wait.

(Whimpering)

What's the matter, dear?

- He sloshed me. - Shh. They'll hate me.

- Well, you hurt me. - Well, I'm sorry!

(Growls)

Now, we must have one in the car. Do you mind?

Bags the driving seat!

Shouldn't I...? I don't think I can do this.

Oh, but I want to.

- I don't care what you want! - They'll hate you.

- And so will I. - Oh, all right!

Dear, just one moment. May I just have your leg out there?

And just over... And that's just... Oh, yes, yes.

(Clearing throat)

Oh, you devil!

Pretty.

Thank you, dear.

- Just one more, please? - Really!

We'd like the car by the thermometer.

So just drive round there. Thank you.

- But I... - What are you waiting for?

- I can't drive! - You can't... She can't drive.

Take the handbrake off and we'll push you.

- (Brakes screeching) - Leave it alone!

(Photographer) Put the handbrake on! The hand...

- Look out! - What shall I do?

Matron!

- Give it to me! - (Screaming)

(Crash)

Oh, I am a silly girl.

You're a daft, stupid idiot!

You!

If I find you near this hospital again,

I personally will throw you out!

In fact, I shall do it now.

(Sir Hector) Come here.

If I get hold of you, I'll...

Get out and stay out!

- It wasn't your fault, then. - No. I told him I couldn't drive.

Yes but...

they'll probably put the blame on you - no sense of fair play.

I know. But I promised Lindy I'd go back.

Once you got in as a patient, you ought to have stayed there.

They was gonna operate on me! I wouldn't mind if I had an illness.

- Illness? Pitkin, that's a very good idea! - What?

If I shut you in the refrigerator...

- Bloomin' cold. - That's just it.

If you were in there for about an hour, you'd develop double pneumonia.

Mr Grimsdale. Couldn't I stay in half an hour and have single pneumonia?

Don't spoil the ship for a ha'porth of tar.

Besides, that little girl's lost without you.

Amy, what time is it?

Three o'clock, Mr Grimsdale.

Let me know when it's four, will you?

(Parents chattering)

Are you feeling better, dear?

(Sobbing)

Don't cry, Lindy.

Mr Pitkin did come and see you, only you were asleep.

He did, darling.

And I'm sure he'll come again.

Mr Grimsdale, you did say at four o'clock to remind you?

- Yes. - But my watch has stopped.

Wind it up, then. What time is it now?

- Five. - Five?

Ring up Dr Carlsdale and tell him to come at once!

Pitkin! Time's up!

Oh!

- Doctor, good of you to come. - Nothing serious, I hope.

I came as quickly as I...

...could. How long's he been like that?

About an hour.

Yes, well, I'll just go and...

I think he's thawed out nicely, Doctor.

- Here we are. - Let me give you a hand.

Thank you. Let him down, easy.

- Could you undo his... - His feet. Yes, right-o.

(Gasps)

- Ooh. - Double pneumonia?

Get some dry clothes on, you'll catch a cold. Good day, gentlemen.

- Hey. - I let you down, didn't I?

You could've been more cooperative. I've done my very utmost to get you in.

I appreciate that, Mr Grimsdale! How can I see Lindy?

You're obviously immune from illness,

so the only way to become a patient is to have an accident.

I won't let 'em operate on me.

Oh, don't be a coward. They'll use an anaesthetic.

What do you say, laddie? Hm?

It'll be all be over like that. Just throw yourself in the road.

- I hope I don't get killed. - Stop fussing, Pitkin.

Look, there's a nice little safe one coming along now.

- That old one? - Beggars can't be choosers, you know.

- Give us a push. - Not likely. I won't get in trouble.

Just shut your eyes, count up to three and then... you dive.

One, two...

three.

(Tyres screeching)

Oi! I nearly shifted my load then! Get out of it!

Don't you know your Highway Code?

(Whistling and cheering)

(Rowdy crowd shouting inside)

- Pitkin! - Oh, no, Mr Grimsdale, not that.

Of course not. I've got a good idea, though.

- What? - Well, don't you see?

I've been taking risks to try and get you injured

when all the time, the easy way to get in the hospital

is to have a patient rather than be a patient.

- So all we need is a patient. - Yes.

- And uniforms. - And unifo...

Oh, trust you, Pitkin, to ruin my best ideas.

How many times must I tell you that the only way to get a uniform

is to pass the St John Ambulance examination now?

If we need a patient and uniforms,

it might surprise you to know that I have got an idea.

(Shouting and whistling)

(Grunting)

Open the doors! Oi!

Let's beat the ambulance, I know a short cut.

- (Horn) - Look out!

(Horn blaring)

(Women shrieking)

(Giggling)

(Owl hooting)

Come in.

- Sorry to disturb you. - Something wrong?

I'm worried about Lindy. She has a high temperature.

I'll call Dr Davis.

It's not a doctor she needs, it's Mr Pitkin.

Really, Nurse! I'm not going over all that again.

- But Matron... - Sir Hector has ruled he can't come here.

- The subject is closed. - What's the trouble?

- Nothing. - But Matron...

Nurse! You may go.

Sir Hector, please. Won't you reconsider your banning Mr Pitkin?

I most certainly will not.

His visits to a child have done nothing but good.

Rubbish! He's done nothing but harm.

I'll not tolerate his presence within a mile of here!

Whoa, Pitkin. We did it.

Thanks for the lift, boys. I live just over the road.

Don't you worry, Pitkin. I'll get you in there somehow.

I'll get in, all right. I'm going in now. I'm gonna walk straight in!

But you've been banned. Just wait, I'll have another idea soon.

Another idea(!) Only if it concerns getting your gold watch back.

- Well, I'm very proud of my watch. - Shut up about your watch.

Don't you dare talk to me like that! You're still in my employ.

You mean I was.

I've got it, Pitkin! I've got an idea!

Now, trust me, Pitkin, just once more, eh?

- Well... - Ah. There you are.

Sunshine Ball tonight on television.

Just get in front of the camera and wave

and let Lindy see you on television.

You've seen them do it.

That's it.

- How are we gonna get into the ball? - Ahh.

St John Ambulance Brigade Ball

and we are wearing St John Ambulance Brigade uniforms.

How is Lindy gonna find out that I'm appearing on television?

Say it with flowers.

- Mr Pitkin sent these. - Oh.

They're for Lindy. Thank you, Nurse.

Lindy? Mr Pitkin sent you some flowers.

So, you see, he hasn't forgotten you.

And a note.

(# Big band)

Can I, er, help you, sir?

It's all right, porter, thank you. We're on duty.

Erm... fainting cases, you see,

and we get people who've had too much to drink and punch-ups and...

Round the back.

What do you mean, round the...? I've...

(Conversation inaudible over music)

There's the television camera, over there by that table.

- If we can get round there... - Wait, I've been thinking. It's too risky.

- No. Lindy will be watching for me. - But Pitkin, listen.

Ooh! Sorry but suddenly I've got the most terrible headache.

Poor darling. I'll ask one of those first-aid men for an aspirin.

- All right. Have it your own way! - I will. Here I go, then.

- Excuse me? - Certainly.

(Screams)

(# Slow big band)

'Good evening and welcome to the Arlington Hotel,

'for our grand charity ball for the Children's Sunshine Holiday Home.

'Now it is my very pleasant duty to introduce our guest of honour,

'delightful, charming, generous Lady Brinkley.'

What are you doing here? It's much too late for television.

- But I must watch it. - I'm sorry, darling. Bed.

- Please, Nurse. - Come on.

'Tonight you will see, amongst other items of star-studded entertainment,

'a display by our own St John's Ambulance Brigade band.'

This fine body of men...

each one volunteered to train in the traditional arts of music

and precision marching just as enthusiastically

as they dedicate themselves to the sick and suffering,

- with the same purpose in mind... - (Norman) Oh!

...charity. Ladies and gentlemen...

Cha... Ooh! Charity.

- Everything all right? - Yes, fine.

Except I found Lindy watching television.

She's back in bed now.

Lindy's gone but I know where she is.

But Janet!

Ladies and gentlemen, if you will kindly clear the floor, it is cabaret time.

Thank you.

Pitkin, you've gone too far. Let's go.

(Tuning up)

Can't you go any faster?

Hey.

It's a bit late for a little lady to be out.

I'm going to see Mr Pitkin at the Arlington Hotel.

Mmm. Funny thing, we're going that way. We'll give you a lift.

This young lady wishes to see a Mr Pitkin.

Lindy?

Lindy, you shouldn't be here.

I want to see Mr Pitkin. I know he's here and I want to see him.

- But Lindy... - Please.

Take her up on the balcony, miss. You'll be out of the way up there.

All right, come on.

Stand by.

(Hushed chattering)

Right.

Rows by the centre, quick march!

(# Descending bum note on trombone)

(# Out-of-tune trombone)

(Gulps)

- Oh! - (Laughter)

(Guests gasping)

(# Rasping note, out of tune)

(# Weak, airy notes)

(# Elephant-like roar)

(# Slower march begins)

(Glass shattering, thudding)

(# Instruments tumbling into out-of-key finish)

(Guests laughing)

(# Bum note)

All right! Enjoy yourselves!

(Laughter fades)

Go on, enjoy yourselves! Laugh!

Laugh your heads off!

There's nothing in them anyway!

Only your own selfish thoughts!

(Posh) "What shall we do tonight?" "There's a dance on at the Arlington."

Well, it's not a dance. It's a charity ball.

It's being run to collect money for the new Children's Sunshine Home.

To help people who don't even know what a place like this looks like!

All right,

maybe I did make one or two mistakes.

But if you'd given some money,

they wouldn't have been forced to have this ball!

A little charity could've paid for a holiday at the seaside

and perhaps a stick of rock for all the children like Lindy.

But you don't understand about giving.

You only understand enjoying yourselves!

Well, go on, then! Everybody dance!

- Lady Brinkley, not your bracelet! - Why ever not?

And your necklace? Oh, my dear, you're terribly kind.

Darling, oh, you're sweet. Too, too kind.

We must find that small person and thank him.

I shall do so immediately.

Come on, lad. Don't take it so much to heart,

- you done your best. - (Lindy) Mr Pitkin!

Oh, Lindy. Lindy!

You couldn't come to see me so I came to see you.

- I'm better now. - You are, aren't you?

She's so well she'll be leaving us soon.

Thanks to you.

So, you mean...

there won't be any need for us to try to get into the hospital any more?

No.

Pitkin!

- Bye, Lindy! - Pitkin!

(Tyres screeching)

I have some good news for you.

Sir Hector's allowed you to have a visitor this morning. Here she is.

Look what I've brought.

- Oh! - Are you uncomfortable?

No. Well, would you raise my leg a bit higher, please?

Can I do it?

(Norman shrieking)

(Watch spring twangs)

(Mr Grimsdale chortling)

Oh!