Original subtitles

Sync by fant0m www.addic7ed.com

You know what? Just get the obscenely overpriced juice,

and let's get out of here.

No, we still have to go get Doug's gift.

Oh, come on!

What are we gonna get our modern-day-hippie son-in-law at a mall?

Yeah. Tell me about it. I mean, it is 2009.

Would it kill Hallmark to start selling pot?

See... this whole place...

I don't think this is what baby Jesus had in mind

When he invented Christmas. This was not it!

All right, I just bought this tie for my interview.

You like it?

I want them to know I'm serious about this.

Mm-hmm. Purple jacket. Purple tie. Purple shoes.

Let me guess. Somewhere Prince is naked.

This is a big deal, man!

I'm breaking the mall Santa color barrier.

I'm gonna be the Jackie Robinson of mall Santas.

Listen, I'm gonna go buy Doug 30 dollars worth of candle.

Can I trust you to stand here and not lose it?

This whole thing is ice.

The wheels have come off the whole day.

Ah, perfect.

Oh, God!

Oh my...I am so sorry!

No worries, man.

Wait. Wait. No. Oh, my...God.

I sure hope you don't have any feeling down here.

Well, maybe you do want feeling down there except... except for now. You know?

Or maybe you'd like it. You know...

It's totally fine.

I got my foamy orange drink all over you.

Hey, it was kinda hot in here. Now I'm nice and cool.

You are being weirdly nice about this.

Well, hey. It's a beautiful day.

It's a beautiful time of the year.

I got no complaints.

Really?

Yeah.

You got no complaints?

Even with the whole...Dealie?

Hey, I'm alive.

I've got a family that just loves me.

And now I got pants that smell like florida.

It's all good.

That is an amazing attitude.

I have a cuticle infection

And I want to smother myself with this festive holiday bag.

After my injury, I was real bitter.

But then I just realized how lucky I am to still be here.

So now I wear this rubber band.

And whenever I feel like complaining,

I just give it a little snap.

Now, if you don't complain, nothing's bad.

If nothing's bad, then you're happy.

And if you're happy, then life is great.

I gotta go wait 30 minutes for the elevator.

Okay.

Have a great day, huh?

No. You don't have a great day.

You make it a great day.

Sorry.

Ah, it's okay.

It is okay.

How old was that woman wrapping packages?

I'm guessing, like, 140.

Well, on the plus side...

I shook the hand that shook the hand of thomas alva edison.

You've been extraordinarily chipper all the way

What's going on?

You know, something amazing happened to me tonight.

I accidentally spilled my drink on a disabled guy at the food court,

And his magical message changed my life.

Did anyone else see this "disabled" guy?

The guy is very real.

And he taught me a very real lesson.

I'm done complaining.

About what?

About everything.

Whoosh. Really not gettin' it.

Wait. We have rubber bands in the house somewhere, don't we?

Drawer over there. Why?

Why? Well, I'm going to wear a rubber band

To remind me not to complain.

And that's for you.

Yeah, I'm good.

Okay. I would really like for you to do this with me.

But... I'm okay if you don't!

Eddie, there is no way on earth you're gonna be able to do this.

You will not stick to it.

Remember bacon-free Tuesdays?

Look, there was no way you could just flip off that switch.

You know that. Bacon is the candy of meats.

This...this, Joy, is a lot easier.

I'm telling you we can do this.

Let me show you.

How was your day at work?

Bad.

Being a travel agent during the holidays sucks.

You're planning someone else's trip to st. Tropez,

And you don't even get a bonus.

But you're stimulating the st. Tropezian economy.

And I'm sure... I'm sure that means a little miguelito

Is gonna get one heck of a Christmas present.

Miguelito?

Yes, well, I'm not really sure what the st. Tropezites call their young.

But I have a feeling he's as cute as a button and probably very tan.

All right, you're starting to annoy the hell out of me right now.

Wanna snap my rubber band?

I wanna snap your neck.

I like complaining to you.

Your whole function in my life is to be the guy that I come home and bitch to.

I mean, what other purpose do you serve besides clogging the shower drain

And taking up half my tivo space?

Freeze that.

Freeze that. Freeze that face.

Now walk with me.

Freeze it. Okay. Come here.

Come here.

Walk to this mirror.

Okay. Now, look at my face.

And look at your face.

What do you see here?

Oh my God!

Who's that mean but beautiful woman in the mirror?

That is someone who's filled with bile and bitterness.

I don't know.

No. No. It can change. Listen...listen to me, Joy.

Take this ride with me. Our life will be healthier and happier.

We'll live into our 50s. I'm almost sure of it.

Ah, what the hell. What I'm doing now isn't working.

Atta girl.

So...

You wanna maybe... Head upstairs...?

Okay. Yeah. Sure. Why not?

Hey, a question. Yeah?

Does the whole not complaining thing, does it apply to...?

Yes.

Where you going?

Gonna go get a rubber band.

All right. You sit here.

I love it!

Frankie there takes the pictures.

Little gal, big talent!

The rest is pretty self-explanatory.

Take one kid at a time, and try to keep it moving.

If you sense that they're about to pee on you,

hold them over the snow. I packed it pretty good with wee wee pads.

From the bottom of my heart, I want to thank you for this amazing opportunity.

Yeah, okay.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

Who's my first contestant?

Come on up here!

Looking good Mrs. Claus. Looking good.

And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?

I want a baby doll, and a princess bed,

And a television for my room.

You got it! Smile for Frankie!

Ha ha. Love this. Who's next?

Get up here, sport.

And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?

I want a elephant.

You got it! Smile for Frankie!

Wow, you're the best Santa ever!

I like your attitude!

Make that 2 elephants.

Santa's going crazy this year.

And you know who the winner is? Kids!

Paper says rain.

Rain makes flowers grow.

Yes it does.

I am really rockin' this positive thinking.

And it works for everything.

Like, you know how I always say that the way you eat soup makes me want to vomit?

Yeah, yeah, totally.

Well, now I say...

"God, when he's dead, I'm gonna miss that."

Works.

Well, well, well.

It looks like the student is becoming the master.

Indeed.

That's weird.

What's weird?

Just have a... sniffle. No big deal.

Yeah. Amen. We're blessed.

Yes. Indeed we are.

Not that I'm complaining. But...

Yeah?

It does...it does feel like someone has taken warm, wet cotton balls

And shoved them up my nose, and then they decided to dig 'em out with sandpaper...

Is how it's feeling. Not that I'm complaining.

I'm just making conversation.

Sounds a little bit like you're complaining.

No. Because I said, "not complaining."

Specifically I said, "not."

Good. Because I'm not giving this up.

Because I am loving this. And people are loving me doing it.

I mean, if you want to stop, that's fine.

But I'm not. Because it is amazing for me.

Pffp, amazing for you?

It's amazing for me.

And I started doing it 6 hours before you,

So you...you won't even know how amazing it is until 8:00 tonight.

So, I envy you.

Hey, mom, dad.

Can Doug and I talk to you guys about something?

Yeah sure, sweetie, what is it?

Well, mother and father stark,

Now that we're all family,

Allison and I would like to start some new family traditions.

And we'd like to kick it off with...

Homemade gifts!

Homemade gifts.

Okay.

Thank you. All right.

So, nothing store-bought at all?

No. No. Just made with love.

And broken pasta. Stop!

I said too much.

Okay. That sounds sweet. Good idea.

I'm gonna start dinner.

Sweetie, could you go back to the mall and return all those gifts?

The mall? Today?

Christmas Eve?

If you can't do it. I can. I mean, I wouldn't mind.

No, I wouldn't mind doing it.

Actually, I would mind not doing it.

Come on who wouldn't want to go to the mall on Christmas Eve?

In the rain?

Could it get any better?

I'll go with you.

I guess it can!

You okay, sir?

Never better! Hello.

Happy holidays to ya.

I need to return this coffee maker.

Okay. Do you have a receipt?

Receipt? I believe I do.

Paper cut. Okay.

It's bleeding.

I don't have a receipt.

N'kay. I can't return it without the receipt.

Okay. Well, listen, I know that you have your rules.

I understand that, and you're following them beautifully.

One second.

Housewares. Hey, what's up?

I'm working, doof.

Well, you called me at work. So it shouldn't be that hard to figure out.

You shut up!

Hold on, let me check.

Okay. That's cool. We'll talk later.

Wow, sir, I'm impressed.

The old sir would have really lost it with that sales girl

For taking a personal call and everything.

Well done.

It's nice to see when young people have friends.

Wow.

Well, I'm glad this young person has a poncho.

Sorry. I got a little bit of a cold.

I think I know what's going on here.

And it's not a cold.

What do you mean?

All right, well...

You've given yourself a personality transplant

And your body is rejecting it. You know?

That's ridiculous.

I love being positive.

I've never been this happy in my entire life!

Well, yeah, but the stress of holding it in, you see,

It's killing you. It's making you sick, sir.

You can't force a happy peg into a sad hole.

You need to stop it.

I can't stop it! Joy is...is great at this.

She is crushing me with her love of life.

If she can do it, I can do it.

She's not a better person than me. Come on, you've met her!

You got, like, a lot of crazy stuff coming out of your nose right now.

Okay. Who was I talking to?

You were talking to me. Darling, you were talking to me.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm just going to come back after Christmas with my receipt and return it okay?

N'kay. Just so you know, if you return it after Christmas,

You only get back the sale price.

Ew. What is up with your eye?

I can't think of anything.

Well, you know what's always good? Cash.

How much do you want?

I don't know, 10 dollars?

10 dollars? Please. You're talking to Santa Claus here.

Make it a 1,000!

Thank you, Santa!

You are super welcome. Smile for Frankie!

You're rich!

Santa, come here!

Listen, we got complaints from some of the parents.

You gotta back it down a little with the kids.

People can't afford to buy expensive gifts.

These are tough times.

Not for Santa.

Look. I get off at 5:00.

I don't have time to explain to you how Christmas really works.

Hey, pumpkin.

Oh my God!

Is everything okay?

Well, your father is just a little messed up in his body area...

Everything is super!

Why were you limping?

I got my foot caught in an escalator, baby.

It was scary for a while. A couple of kids started crying.

But wanna know the upside?

Guess new shoe laces?

Where's mom?

I haven't seen her for a while.

I think she might have gone out.

Well, you know what? Let's...let's give her a call and have her come home.

And we can get this festive meal started. Yeah!

'cause it's all good. It's all good!

And that holiday music everywhere you go.

If I hear one more annoying Christmas song,

I'm going to rum pah pum pump my fist into someone's face!

And the freakin' mailman with that mistletoe...

So we have these neighbors across the street.

And they have this nativity scene.

And mary and joseph are leaning over baby elmo.

Okay. It is not only offensive. It's just confusing.

I don't understand what they're trying to say with the elmo...

I gotta go.

What is going on here?

Nothing.

You have been complaining!

All right, yes.

Okay. I have been complaining!

How long have you been complaining?

I dunno, like, 2 days.

We've only been not complaining for 2 days!

I know! I know!

Listen, I gave it a solid hour. It's not my thing. Okay?

I have been making myself sick trying to keep up with your delightfulness.

And look at you. You're the picture of health! You know why?

Because your blood is coursing with life-fulfilling venom!

So, big whoop.

Okay. Now you know the truth. Complain away.

No! No. Because I'm good.

And it's good to be good!

Yeah, it really looks like it's working out for you.

It's working wonderfully for me.

Eddie, would you take a look at yourself!

You're a mess!

God always tests his prophets!

Ok, listen up, everybody! Listen up.

I know that you all want to put me into a neat little box.

"Oh, there's the grumpy guy!"

"There's the one that everyone loves to hate!"

Daddy, you're scaring me.

No reason to be scared, darling. No reason to be scared. I'll tell you why.

Because I am a sweet man without a complaint in the world!

Okay.

Now let's all just sit down to this meal and thank the good lord for our blessings!

What is that?

Oh, haven't you heard?

Doug had an idea for another holiday tradition.

A cornucopia of nuts and berries!

I don't like nuts or berries.

Wait. What was that, sir?

I don't like nuts or berries.

Say it, baby. Just say it!

I'm not a squirrel!

I don't like nuts or berries!

I don't want to go visit your mom next month.

Her apartment smells like bug spray.

And I don't want to deal with that crap at this point in my life.

I hate your nose.

And I lie in bed at night.

And I dread that my grandchildren are gonna be born with one of those.

That dress makes you look like a slut.

God bless us every one.

What's your name, little boy?

Jeremy. I want a puppy.

Oh, you want a puppy, huh?

Well, you know what's even better than a puppy?

A balled-up pair of socks.

They're soft. They love you unconditionally.

And they won't give your brother rabies.

Smile for Frankie.

But I really want a puppy.

And I really want a beard that doesn't smell like bourbon.

But that's not gonna happen either.

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