Original subtitles

Why do you have the car covered

If everybody knows what it looks like?

Nobody knows what it looks like finished,

So let the family in.

Okay.

All right, this better be good to pull me away

From my lebron james game.

Is it a pony? No, it's better than a pony.

Is it candy? No, but it's just as sweet.

Is it for me? No!

See ya. Bye.

Okay...

After 12 long months and hours and hours of backbreaking work,

Lois is finally complete.

Why are cars always female?

They got nice, soft backseats, pretty headlights,

And they cost a lot of money to run.

Shut up. Come on, let's see her.

Okay, look, everybody, close your eyes,

Take a deep breath, turn around, count to 75,

And when I say "oochy walla walla,"

I want you to turn back around, hold hands, clap three times --

Boy, just take the cover off the damn car! Okay, okay, okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, junior kyle finally presents

His fully restored 1964 impala.

I give you lois.

[ Gasps ] junior, sh-- she's beautiful!

I'm proud of you, son.

You finally finished something that you started.

Mnh-mnh, not true. What about this?

I'm talking about something that took longer than 30 seconds.

You told him, junior?!

I mean, I bragged a little.

This isn't better than a pony!

It is. There are 350 ponies in here.

Look, everybody pile in. We're gonna take lois out for her first ride.

I think it'd be more appropriate

If you take vanessa for the first ride.

Okay. Your chariot awaits you.

Thank you, sir. You're welcome.

Isn't this great?

Our baby boy is finally starting to act like a grown man.

He sure is.

Hey, daddy, can I have some money for gas?

No!

Hey, frankenpuss, what's up?

Frankenpuss.

Yet another hilarious variation on my name.

And that's just the kind of creativity I'm looking for.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs louder ]

[ Sighs louder ]

All right, all right, what do you want?

There's a dark cloud hanging over my head.

That's because you're this high.

Everything hangs over your head. [ Laughs ]

A short joke. How do you do it?

All right, look, what's on your mind?

Well, I feel a sense of displacement.

I'm out of touch with my generation.

I want to be a regular kid, but I don't know how.

Look, if you want to be a regular kid...

You gotta put fiber in your diet!

[ Laughs ] whoa, sorry!

Anywho...

I feel like an outcast on the playground.

The kids won't talk to me, the teacher's intimidated by me,

And the principal has hated me

Ever since the board of education

Passed the franklin alouiscious mumford bill.

What's that? Booster sheets in the college prep classes, duh!

Well, that's too bad, franklin,

But you do seem to get along with kady just fine.

Well, yeah, that's different. I'm in love with kady.

It's the rest of the kids in the world

That I have a problem with.

One time this kid walked up to me and asked me,

"Why is the sky blue?"

I told him, and he looked at me like I'm nuts.

That's because kids don't want to learn new information.

Everybody knows that's because of the sun

Reflecting off the oceans and the lakes, right?

No. No?

It involves refracted sunlight at an atmospheric density.

You wanna hear more?

No, but how come when I do this...

This happens?

Ow!

Perhaps I should seek the advice of someone more mature...

Maybe a sixth grader.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, hold on.

I'm serious about this, mr. Kyle.

I'm tired of being special.

I wanna be a real boy.

And you make any "pinocchio" jokes,

I'm gonna kick you in the shins!

Look, franklin, if you wanna be like the other kids,

Then you have to do what the other kids do.

Simple things.

Like calculus?

Simpler. Trigonometry?

I was thinking more like dodge ball.

Dodge ball? What is that?

Is it scientific?

Actually it is.

It has to do with aerodynamic evasive tactics.

That sounds fascinating! How does it work?

Oh, like this.

What does that have to do with science?

Good question.

See, the inertia from that projectile times your mass

Equals bruises on your butt. [ Laughs ]

Here, let me help you up.

Ow!

[ Laughs ] got you again!

I don't like this game, mr. Kyle.

Look, franklin, you're a genius, okay?

You're the smartest kid I've ever met.

And I believe that you're smart enough to dumb yourself down,

And I'm just the guy to help you out. Deal?

Deal! Ow!

[ Chuckles ]

It's so beautiful up there tonight.

Yeah, well, it's beautiful down here, too.

Aw.

I love you.

I love you, too.

[ Sighs ] I wonder why the sky is blue during the day

And black at night.

Oh, I know this one.

You see, during the day, the sky is blue

Because it reflects off the lakes and oceans,

But at night, it reflects off the roads.

[ Laughs ] junior, you're so interesting.

Yeah -- hey, I just thought of something!

If we painted all the roads blue,

Then there would be light out 24 hours a day.

Then after 6:00 p.m., We'd call it "lighttime."

And then people would say "g'light" to each other,

Or "light light."

And we'd go to a "light club." Shh! Shh!

[ Laughing ] okay, okay, I get it.

[ Both sigh ]

I wonder if our baby will ever go to the moon.

The moon would be nice,

But I'm just hoping our baby goes to college.

Hey, maybe they'll put a college on the moon --

A moon-iversity!

And the football team would be called the lunar-tics,

And the cheerleaders would bounce up and down and never --

Okay, junior! Too much?

Yeah.

Well, I'm sure our baby will go to college.

There's no doubt about it.

He'll be smart like his mother.

[ Giggles ]

Well, I was reading an article today,

And it said by the time our baby was ready to go,

A college education would cost over $1 million.

Are you kidding me?!

That's more than $300 a semester!

It sure is.

Man, how are we gonna afford that?

I don't know. Maybe one of your inventions will pan out.

Maybe.

Hey, I got a new idea. What is it?

It's a voice-activated toilet, and when you finish, you just yell,

"Get outta here, and take your little friend with you!"

Well, maybe that's possible,

But I think we better have a better backup plan.

Well, you can always flush manually.

Whoosh! Doo-doo!

[ Laughs ]

No, I meant about our future.

Ah, don't worry,

Somehow I know it'll all be all right.

I sure hope so.

[ Both sigh ]

I don't know if I can do this, mr. Kyle.

Wait, wait, wait, hey.

Come here. Of course you can.

You just need to fix yourself up.

What do you mean? You gotta loosen up.

You look like a brand-new kid.

Your hat's on too straight,

Your shirt's all buttoned the top,

Your pants are way up here like an old man.

You gotta loosen up, or you'll never fit in.

You mean I'll be more like a regular kid if I'm slovenly?

Exactly, just don't say "slovenly," say "dirty."

All right? Let's fix you up a little bit.

Yeah, look at that. All right, yeah.

Pull your pants down a little.

Yeah, yeah, that's it! But my butt's showing!

Yeah, you wanna show a little skin, that's okay.

Now, here's the most important part.

Here, lay down.

Aah.

Aah.

Yeah!

Now, good ahead.

Now, don't tell 'em your name is franklin.

Sounds too...too stuffy.

Tell 'em your name is butch.

Go ahead.

Hello...

My name is butch alouiscious mumford.

I am pleased to make your acquaintance.

Psht!

[ Rap music plays ]

♪ You can't play here ♪

♪ You can't play here ♪

♪ Na na na na-na ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a dork ♪

♪ You can't play here ♪

♪ You can't play here ♪

♪ Na na na na-na ♪

♪ 'Cause you're a dork ♪

♪ Aw, sure I can ♪

♪ The law says I can ♪

♪ Yes, I can ♪

♪ Aw, sure I can ♪

♪ The law says I can ♪

♪ Yes, I can ♪

Touchdown!

Ready or not, here I come!

This is stupid.

No, it's just a game of hide-and-seek.

Look, you're doing so good.

Now all you gotta do is find the other kids.

But this doesn't work for me, mr. Kyle.

Why not?

Well, based on the coordinates

And the topography of this area,

There are a finite number of places which these kids can hide.

Those are behind the rock,

Behind the tree, behind the bushes,

And in the trash can.

Jerk!

Oh, yeah...

And these two under the picnic table.

Mind your business, kid!

[ Humming ]

Hey, son. Hi, dad!

What are you doing? Oh, i-i-i'm relaxing.

What are you doing?

I'm wondering what you were doing with that wood.

You know, just a little --

Little polish, little spit shine.

What are you doing?

Nothing. Wondering how the car's running.

Oh, she's beautiful! She purrs like a kitten.

Really? I wanna take her for a spin -- see how she handles.

Oh, it might be kind of tough, dad.

Why? Because I sold lois this afternoon.

Jay: but you love that car.

You put so much time and effort into it.

It's a good thing or I wouldn't have been able to sell it for so much.

I don't understand why you didn't drive it for a while

And enjoy the fruits of your labor.

I don't know if you two have forgotten, but I have a child on the way,

And that child is my first and only priority,

And I wanna ensure that it has every opportunity

To make it in this life, to excel.

And the $3,000 I got for selling the car

Will buy two full days at harvard 18 years from now,

Not counting the cost of books, housing, clothing, or food.

That's the most responsible thing

I've ever heard you say.

Me, too! I'm proud of you, son.

I'm only doing what you guys taught me.

For the past 19 years, you've been telling me to be responsible.

Well, I had no idea you were listening.

Come give your dad a hug.

Aw!

You give your mom a hug. Me, too!

You know what? Give yourself a hug.

Okay!

You are so responsible!

I love me a responsible man!

Oh, you --

Oh, nice pecs!

Hey, all right, all right, cut it out, cut it out.

Look, do you still have your stupid books on you?

Oh, always! Volumes one and two, three and four.

Okay. Because of your selfless actions

And the maturity you've demonstrated today,

I'm giving you permission to burn them.

Really?! Your father's right.

This is a wonderful thing you've done.

Oh, thanks! I-i'll do it right now!

I've put my stupid years behind me.

So, what do you guys think -- about five minutes?

On second thought, why don't you hold on to them.

There may be some stupid years ahead of you.

Oh, thanks, dad, I didn't want to peak too early.

[ Laughs ]

King me! I'm gonna win.

You only have one piece left.

Fantastic! Good for you!

You know, I've never been able

To beat you before, franklin.

That's the old franklin. Smarty-pants franklin.

That franklin could've beaten you 16 moves ago

By focusing his attack on the left quadrant of the board

And using the bernoulli defense,

But as I said, that franklin is no more.

Well, it's boring to win all the time.

I know!

Let's just go do something else.

I know, let's drink some of that colored water,

Saturated with high-fructose corn syrup,

Get a huge sugar rush going,

And then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials

Sing and dance their way through a jungle

Festooned with product placement

Featuring candy-laced cereals

That will no doubt destroy my pancreas before I'm 12

And leave me twitching in a diabetic coma.

Let's just go get some soda and watch cartoons.

Lead the way, my love.

You know, you're acting really weird.

Just trying to fit in, babe.

Babe?

Too much? Too much.

This isn't working.

Aah...

The bernoulli defense!

This is ridiculous! I hate this car seat!

I know I'm supposed to dumb down,

But you've gotta draw the line somewhere!

Hey, hush up, kid, it's the law.

But I feel like a baby!

Oh, nonsense. Here, want your ba-ba?

Absolutely not!

So, um, I'll --

[ Snoring ]

I'm talking to you.

Sorry.

I put my bink-bink in my mouth,

And I'm out like a light.

Where are we?

Oh, I gotta run an errand. You'll love this one.

Listen, how's your quest for childhood coming?

Not well.

Kady saw right through me.

It was a disaster.

That's because she likes you for who you really are.

If you try to be like everybody else,

Then she's gonna realize you're just another weird kid.

You know what, mr. Kyle? You're amazingly insightful.

Really?

[ Giggles ]

Well, you know what us smart guys say.

It's takes a smarty to know another smarty.

[ Laughs ]

Well, maybe you don't say that.

We're here.

"Who's chinese restaurant?"

That's right.

I gotta see a guy about a car.

[ Snoring ]

Hey!

What's in this thing? [ Laughs ]

Binky.

[ Speaking chinese ] hi, there.

Hi. How can I help you?

My name is mike, and I'm interested in buying a car like that.

Oh, nice to meet you, mike.

I'm eddie. And this is my wife annie.

We're the whos.

Eddie and annie who. [ Laughs ]

That's right. We the whos.

How much you selling the car for?

[ Conversing in chinese ]

How much are you looking to spend?

I was thinking about $3,000.

That's about what it's worth.

[ Speaking chinese ]

This car is completely restored.

Plus, we've got a lot of memories in this car.

Oh!

Together: oy, oy! Whee!

Uh...

It's worth much more than $3,000.

It's worth maybe, what, $5,000 or $6,000.

[ Speaking chinese ]

Annie who! What?

[ Speaking chinese ]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. [ Speaking chinese ]

[ Speaking chinese ] [ chuckling ] "leg of leon"

Yeah, "leg of the chin."

That's right.

Together: ay ya!

I-i'm sorry. I took you for a fool.

Looks can be deceiving.

How about $3,500?

$3,500 Sounds about right. You have yourself a deal.

Okay. We get the keys, you get the money.

Hey, where'd you learn to speak chinese?

From an old roommate at m.i.t.

He taught me chinese, I taught him italian.

Where'd you learn to speak italian?

From a different roommate at harvard.

He taught me italian, I taught him swahili.

Where'd you learn swahili?

We could do this all day, mr. Kyle.

Let's go.

Okay, you stand right here. Vanessa, you may do the honors.

This is so exciting.

Oh!

I can't believe it!

A new car cover! Thanks, guys!

Ow!

I'm so glad we didn't burn those stupid books.

Claire, drumroll, please. Do you people realize I have a life?

[ Strained voice ] I said give me a drumroll!

Ow!

It makes a better sound if you open up your mouth.

Okay. I present to you a gift

To the most wonderful son that a father could have --

Or a mother.

I present...lois.

Oh, wow. That looks just like my old car.

It is your old car. I bought it back for you.

From who? That's right -- who.

That's what I'm asking -- who? That's what I'm saying -- who.

I sold the car to eddie. Who.

I just told you, eddie. Right. Eddie who.

I don't know his last name I just sold him the car.

Look. Forget that.

I bought it back from the guy you sold it to. It's yours.

That's wonderful. Thank you.

You are so welcome.

There's a problem. I can't pay for it.

You don't have to. Do whatever you want with it.

Oh, thanks, dad!

Ugh.

Get it off of me. Get it off of me!

[ Laughs ]

[ Piano music plays ]

You can clap now.

That was beautiful. That was so beautiful.

Kady: bravo. Thank you.

But a trained ear would know

That my fortissimo was a little weak.

Yeah, I knew that.

Anyway, it's good to have you back, frankenpants.

It's good to be back.

Although I have developed a taste for dodge ball.

There's something very satisfying

About hitting junior with a projectile.

Yeah. I like it, too.

Anyway, let's all go out to dinner, okay?

It's my treat.

Who's? My treat. I told you.

Oh, lord, not this again.

Who is going out to dinner? No, who is serving dinner.

I thought we were going out. We are. We're going to who's.

Who's what? Who cares. Just get in the car.

Whose car are we taking? It's not who's anymore. I bought it back.

From who? From who. You were there. Who.

I know.

I'm just trying to get dumb enough to be one of the family.

Whose family? Not who's family, our family.

I don't care. Let's just go get some chinese food.

Who's got great chinese food.

I think there's this place downtown called eddie and annie's.

Yeah, eddie and annie who.

I know, let's drink some of that colored water,

Saturated with high-fructose corn syrup,

Get a huge sugar rush going,

And then watch hours of insipid animated marsupials

Sing and dance their way through a jungle

Festooned with product placements

Featuring candy-laced cereals --

What's the line?

Why are cars always female?

Maybe because the horn's always -- the horn is horny.

[ Makes buzzer sound ]

[ Laughs ]