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1
00:00:02,793 --> 00:00:05,005
Baby, are you gonna join us
for dinner?
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,967
Nope. This is my dinner
right here.
3
00:00:06,967 --> 00:00:08,179
A small can of diet shake?
4
00:00:08,179 --> 00:00:10,551
Yeah, because when I finish
with this diet,
5
00:00:10,551 --> 00:00:13,094
I'm gonna be able to shake
my small can.
6
00:00:13,094 --> 00:00:15,556
[ Cackles ]
7
00:00:15,556 --> 00:00:19,019
Okay, well...
It's not funny?
8
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,232
No, there's nothing funny
about your diets, mom.
9
00:00:21,232 --> 00:00:22,943
I mean, every time you try
to lose weight,
10
00:00:22,943 --> 00:00:25,025
You get all crazy when we bring
candy in the house.
11
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:26,237
Yeah.
12
00:00:26,237 --> 00:00:28,449
That is because I need
you guys as support.
13
00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:30,321
You know, I do a lot
for all of you,
14
00:00:30,321 --> 00:00:33,364
And the only thing I ask is you
keep the junk food away from me.
15
00:00:33,364 --> 00:00:35,746
No problem, mom.
You can count on us.
16
00:00:35,746 --> 00:00:37,118
Who likes chocolate?
17
00:00:37,118 --> 00:00:38,369
Me, me, me, me!
18
00:00:38,369 --> 00:00:40,211
Your diet, your diet!
19
00:00:42,583 --> 00:00:44,044
Baby, baby, the can!
The can!
20
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:45,716
Your small can,
remember?
21
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,804
Right.
♪ Shake the can,
shake the can-can ♪
22
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:55,976
Yeah.
♪ 'Cause you can-can ♪
23
00:00:55,976 --> 00:00:59,560
Who needs chocolate anyway
when I have skinny-kwik!
24
00:01:00,681 --> 00:01:03,854
This isn't just any chocolate.
This is school chocolate.
25
00:01:03,854 --> 00:01:05,065
Oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy!
26
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:07,148
School chocolate?
27
00:01:07,148 --> 00:01:09,400
Th-they put belgian cocoa
in school chocolate,
28
00:01:09,400 --> 00:01:11,862
And that's what makes it
really, really good!
29
00:01:11,862 --> 00:01:13,114
Baby, baby!
30
00:01:13,114 --> 00:01:14,655
♪ Skinny-kwik,
skinny-kwik ♪
31
00:01:14,655 --> 00:01:17,328
♪ Take a sip so you
don't get thick ♪
32
00:01:17,328 --> 00:01:20,411
♪ Skinny-kwik,
skinny-kwik ♪
33
00:01:20,411 --> 00:01:22,203
♪ But it tastes like -- ♪
34
00:01:22,203 --> 00:01:24,125
Zip, zip, zip!
35
00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:25,916
The candy sale meeting
is tonight.
36
00:01:25,916 --> 00:01:27,668
Oh, see?
Now it begins, jay.
37
00:01:27,668 --> 00:01:28,969
They use these kids.
38
00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:31,802
They know that a 7-year-old
can't sell all that candy.
39
00:01:31,802 --> 00:01:33,594
Now it's up to us,
the parents.
40
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:36,056
It's something the kids do
with their parents.
41
00:01:36,056 --> 00:01:39,019
Plus, the money raised goes
to improve the quality
42
00:01:39,019 --> 00:01:42,723
Of our educational system's
institutional infrastructure.
43
00:01:42,723 --> 00:01:45,856
[ High-pitched voice ] obviously
you don't need anymore learning.
44
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:47,648
I don't know why you go
to school anyway.
45
00:01:47,648 --> 00:01:49,650
You already have
two college degrees, right?
46
00:01:49,650 --> 00:01:52,903
To be near kady, duh!
47
00:01:52,903 --> 00:01:54,655
Besides, I'm entitled.
48
00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:56,237
I pay my taxes, too.
49
00:01:56,237 --> 00:01:59,200
Well, I pay my taxes
so that my kids already have
50
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:02,243
A good educational system's
institutional infrastructure.
51
00:02:02,243 --> 00:02:05,206
Yeah, and if the schools
really wanted to make money,
52
00:02:05,206 --> 00:02:06,957
They'd sell something bigger,
53
00:02:06,957 --> 00:02:09,340
Like cars or space shuttles
or magic beans.
54
00:02:09,340 --> 00:02:11,212
Mm-hmm.
55
00:02:11,212 --> 00:02:13,133
On second thought,
put me down for a box.
56
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:14,755
I don't have the form yet.
57
00:02:14,755 --> 00:02:18,219
You're supposed to get all the
stuff at the meeting, remember?
58
00:02:18,219 --> 00:02:20,311
No, baby, I can't do
the pta meeting.
59
00:02:20,311 --> 00:02:21,522
Not this time.
60
00:02:21,522 --> 00:02:22,973
But you always do!
61
00:02:22,973 --> 00:02:24,815
We're partners.
I know, baby.
62
00:02:24,815 --> 00:02:27,858
I'm really sorry about that,
but I can't be around chocolate.
63
00:02:27,858 --> 00:02:30,361
Ask your father, because he'll
do it if you ask him.
64
00:02:30,361 --> 00:02:31,532
Please, daddy?
65
00:02:31,532 --> 00:02:34,325
Would you be
my candy-selling partner?
66
00:02:34,325 --> 00:02:37,988
It would make me so happy
for us to do something together.
67
00:02:37,988 --> 00:02:39,159
Aw!
68
00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,203
How can I say no
to that face?
69
00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:45,626
[ Muffled ]
that is so sweet.
70
00:02:45,626 --> 00:02:48,168
How did you get the candy?
71
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,630
Hmm?
72
00:02:53,254 --> 00:02:55,135
Thank you for doing this,
daddy.
73
00:02:55,135 --> 00:02:57,057
Hey, I love doing things
with my baby girl.
74
00:02:57,057 --> 00:02:58,759
I have to go
to the bathroom.
75
00:02:58,759 --> 00:03:00,431
Except that.
You're on your own.
76
00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:02,142
Hurry back, baby.
77
00:03:02,142 --> 00:03:04,685
Woman: and now for the most
delicious part of our meeting,
78
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,107
I have some information on this
year's candy sale.
79
00:03:07,107 --> 00:03:09,270
Last year was a huge success,
80
00:03:09,270 --> 00:03:13,073
But we plan to make this year
our biggest ever.
81
00:03:13,073 --> 00:03:14,865
[ Applause ]
82
00:03:14,865 --> 00:03:17,408
They think us parents
are suckers.
83
00:03:17,408 --> 00:03:19,159
Every year they try
to figure out
84
00:03:19,159 --> 00:03:20,821
Some way to get
some money out of us.
85
00:03:20,821 --> 00:03:22,993
It sounds
like somebody's kid
86
00:03:22,993 --> 00:03:25,666
Didn't sell out of candy
last year, huh?
87
00:03:25,666 --> 00:03:30,040
Last year I sold over 200 bars
of candy.
88
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,003
200 Bars of candy?
89
00:03:33,003 --> 00:03:34,925
Hey, willy wonka,
you better look out,
90
00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:37,177
Because this oompa loompa
is gunnin' for your job.
91
00:03:37,177 --> 00:03:38,509
[ Laughs ]
92
00:03:38,509 --> 00:03:40,511
Did you just call me
an oompa loompa?
93
00:03:40,511 --> 00:03:43,143
And now I'd like
to introduce the father
94
00:03:43,143 --> 00:03:44,845
Of last year's top seller.
95
00:03:44,845 --> 00:03:47,898
Please put your hands together
for mr. Monty owens.
96
00:03:47,898 --> 00:03:50,481
[ Applause ]
97
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:54,024
Yeah, last year I sold
over 4,000 bars,
98
00:03:54,024 --> 00:03:58,068
But this year
I'm gonna do even better, huh?
99
00:03:58,068 --> 00:03:59,620
Now, remember --
100
00:03:59,620 --> 00:04:02,573
Whoever sells the most candy
wins the grand prize,
101
00:04:02,573 --> 00:04:04,955
A brand-new zmx bike!
102
00:04:04,955 --> 00:04:06,917
Whoa!
103
00:04:06,917 --> 00:04:08,459
Hey, I'll tell you this much!
104
00:04:08,459 --> 00:04:10,751
My little girl's gonna
look wonderful
105
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,583
Driving that little bike,
huh?
106
00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:13,834
[ Laughs ]
107
00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:16,427
What do you think
of that, loompa?
108
00:04:19,139 --> 00:04:24,094
To all of you out there,
I make this solemn vow --
109
00:04:24,094 --> 00:04:26,977
That in one week's time
110
00:04:26,977 --> 00:04:32,152
The kyle family will sell
5,000 bars of candy!
111
00:04:32,152 --> 00:04:34,154
No way!
112
00:04:39,570 --> 00:04:42,533
Hey, how did it go?
Did you guys have fun?
113
00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:43,904
Oh, it was amazing.
114
00:04:43,904 --> 00:04:46,367
I love spending time
with my daughter,
115
00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:48,789
And I want the world
to know that.
116
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,291
Now get out of here.
I got to talk to your mom.
117
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,753
And that's it?
118
00:04:52,753 --> 00:04:55,546
Yeah, that's it.
What do you mean, "that's it"?
119
00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:57,968
What else would there be?
With you?
Anything.
120
00:04:57,968 --> 00:05:01,382
Okay, last year's winner
mocked me, jay.
121
00:05:01,382 --> 00:05:04,054
He said that he could outsell
our entire family.
122
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:07,057
And then he started calling me
all these names --
123
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,389
Oompa loompa and acorn.
124
00:05:08,389 --> 00:05:09,520
And acorn.
125
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,232
Do you know
how much that hurts?
126
00:05:12,232 --> 00:05:14,735
So I threw down
the gauntlet, jay.
127
00:05:14,735 --> 00:05:15,986
Michael richard kyle!
128
00:05:15,986 --> 00:05:18,529
I cannot believe that you let
yourself get suckered
129
00:05:18,529 --> 00:05:21,241
Into another contest
just to boost your male ego.
130
00:05:21,241 --> 00:05:23,073
I had to!
He called me acorn!
131
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,324
Michael!
132
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,156
How many bars of chocolates
133
00:05:26,156 --> 00:05:28,449
Did you commit our family
to selling?
134
00:05:28,449 --> 00:05:29,620
It's [coughs].
135
00:05:29,620 --> 00:05:31,251
What?
What was that?
136
00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:33,213
I said five [coughs].
137
00:05:33,213 --> 00:05:36,216
Michael, you actually committed
your family to selling
138
00:05:36,216 --> 00:05:39,339
500 Bars of chocolate when you
know that I'm on a diet?!
139
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,631
When you know that?!
140
00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:44,054
No, jay, I wouldn't do that.
That would be crazy.
141
00:05:44,054 --> 00:05:45,966
Five what?
142
00:05:45,966 --> 00:05:48,058
[ High-pitched voice ]
thousand.
143
00:05:48,058 --> 00:05:49,349
God!
144
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,891
Michael!
145
00:05:52,563 --> 00:05:56,316
Now, as you know,
I have committed this family
146
00:05:56,316 --> 00:05:59,069
To selling 5,000 bars
of chocolates.
147
00:05:59,069 --> 00:06:00,280
Oh, my god.
148
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:01,241
Can it, missy!
149
00:06:01,241 --> 00:06:04,324
Now, in order to achieve
that goal,
150
00:06:04,324 --> 00:06:07,988
You will not only be expected
to sell chocolate,
151
00:06:07,988 --> 00:06:11,291
But you will be expected
to purchase it as well!
152
00:06:13,253 --> 00:06:15,165
How much candy
do we have to buy?
153
00:06:15,165 --> 00:06:18,669
I will leave that up to you
and your conscience.
154
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:20,461
However...
155
00:06:20,461 --> 00:06:25,385
I expect a minimum of two bars
per pound that you weigh.
156
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,348
Two bars per pound?!
Dad, I weight 140 pounds!
157
00:06:28,348 --> 00:06:30,471
That means I have to buy --
158
00:06:30,471 --> 00:06:33,143
Well, carry the one.
Divide by seven.
159
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,184
Square root of 53.
160
00:06:34,184 --> 00:06:36,777
Where am I gonna get
$3 million for candy?!
161
00:06:39,109 --> 00:06:40,691
Look, dad,
I'd love to help you,
162
00:06:40,691 --> 00:06:43,073
But I don't make enough money
to buy that candy.
163
00:06:43,073 --> 00:06:45,325
Look, honey, I'm not saying that
you have to buy it all.
164
00:06:45,325 --> 00:06:47,908
There's plenty of guys out there
that would buy it for you.
165
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,330
You're a beautiful girl.
Use that to your advantage.
166
00:06:50,330 --> 00:06:52,913
I mean, bat those eyes.
Use your feminine wiles.
167
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,455
Look, repeat after me --
168
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,707
[ High-pitched voice ]
I sure would like it
169
00:06:56,707 --> 00:07:03,133
If some big, strong man
would buy my box of chocolates.
170
00:07:03,133 --> 00:07:05,546
[ High-pitched voice ]
I sure would like it
171
00:07:05,546 --> 00:07:13,514
If some big, strong man
would buy my box of chocolates.
172
00:07:13,514 --> 00:07:15,435
Ew!
173
00:07:19,109 --> 00:07:21,361
Mr. Kyle, I found this letter
in your mailbox.
174
00:07:21,361 --> 00:07:22,613
It's addressed to you.
175
00:07:25,826 --> 00:07:29,409
"Dear oompa loompa,
day one --
176
00:07:29,409 --> 00:07:34,374
"Since last night, my daughter
and I have sold 800 bars
177
00:07:34,374 --> 00:07:36,456
"And are closer to winning
the bike.
178
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:40,080
Hope you and your loser kid
likes walking."
179
00:07:40,080 --> 00:07:42,172
He's taunting me!
180
00:07:42,172 --> 00:07:43,754
And we must respond.
181
00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:46,176
Okay, then why don't we get out
on the streets
182
00:07:46,176 --> 00:07:47,257
And start selling?
183
00:07:47,257 --> 00:07:48,298
Yes, yes, but not you.
184
00:07:48,298 --> 00:07:50,180
I want you in the front office
with me.
185
00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:52,472
You're gonna be
my consigliere.
What's that?
186
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:57,357
An advisor, a position that's
very important to the family.
187
00:07:57,357 --> 00:07:58,809
It's quite an honor.
188
00:07:58,809 --> 00:08:00,190
Hey, I'm your oldest son!
189
00:08:00,190 --> 00:08:02,312
Why does franklin get to be
your consigliere?
190
00:08:02,312 --> 00:08:04,605
Well, because you're weak!
191
00:08:04,605 --> 00:08:07,027
I need a wartime consigliere.
192
00:08:07,027 --> 00:08:08,609
We're going
to the mattresses.
193
00:08:08,609 --> 00:08:11,281
Oh, the mattresses?
Is that where we keep the candy?
194
00:08:11,281 --> 00:08:15,075
Shut up, fredo!
195
00:08:15,075 --> 00:08:17,117
Now I want you to get out there
and sell!
196
00:08:17,117 --> 00:08:18,328
Come on, guys!
Let's go!
197
00:08:18,328 --> 00:08:19,750
How?
198
00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:21,081
Look, it's easy.
199
00:08:21,081 --> 00:08:24,124
You'll find that most people
want to buy your chocolate.
200
00:08:24,124 --> 00:08:27,217
I mean, what kind of monster
could resist a cute little girl?
201
00:08:27,217 --> 00:08:30,390
[ Knock on door ]
202
00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:32,633
Hello, my school
is selling candy.
203
00:08:32,633 --> 00:08:34,264
Would you like to buy a bar?
204
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:35,265
No!
205
00:08:39,439 --> 00:08:41,231
[ High-pitched voice ]
good afternoon, sir.
206
00:08:41,231 --> 00:08:43,774
I'm a little girl
in the first grade.
207
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:45,736
I don't know
how comfortable --
just do it!
208
00:08:45,736 --> 00:08:48,569
And I was wondering if I could
have a moment of your time.
209
00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:51,992
I'm a vietnam veteran, and I
have a paper plate in my head
210
00:08:51,992 --> 00:08:54,364
'Cause I couldn't afford
a metal one,
211
00:08:54,364 --> 00:08:57,537
But I have a chocolaty delicious
way that you can help.
212
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,369
Yeah, hi.
213
00:08:59,369 --> 00:09:01,331
I doubt that you're
interested in this,
214
00:09:01,331 --> 00:09:04,504
But my boss is forcing me to
sell a bunch of stupid chocolate
215
00:09:04,504 --> 00:09:06,426
For his bratty little kid --
what?
216
00:09:06,426 --> 00:09:08,218
Hold, please.
Ow!
217
00:09:08,218 --> 00:09:10,380
What did you do that for?
218
00:09:10,380 --> 00:09:12,222
What? Ow!
219
00:09:12,222 --> 00:09:14,304
Just sell the chocolate.
220
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,727
Consigliere,
front and center!
221
00:09:16,727 --> 00:09:18,308
So, how are we doing?
222
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,350
Well, I've tabulated
the results,
223
00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:22,482
And, frankly,
the news isn't good.
224
00:09:22,482 --> 00:09:24,234
We haven't sold
5,000 bars yet?
225
00:09:24,234 --> 00:09:26,106
No.
So we're off a little.
226
00:09:26,106 --> 00:09:28,318
How many more bars
do we need to sell?
227
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:30,070
4,000.
4,000?!
228
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,402
Mr. Kyle, I don't mean
to be out of line,
229
00:09:32,402 --> 00:09:35,826
Okay, but do you think you might
be going a little overboard?
230
00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:39,289
Overboard? We just need a more
effective sales force.
231
00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:43,163
That's why I'm introducing you
to my new secret weapon.
232
00:09:43,163 --> 00:09:47,047
Send in number two.
233
00:09:47,047 --> 00:09:51,261
Send in number two.
234
00:09:51,261 --> 00:09:54,264
Calvin, come in!
235
00:09:57,177 --> 00:09:59,269
Ah, my glorious new
selling machine.
236
00:09:59,269 --> 00:10:00,721
How did it go today?
237
00:10:00,721 --> 00:10:03,063
Well, I've been on the job
for two hours,
238
00:10:03,063 --> 00:10:04,645
And I've already sold
300 bars.
239
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:07,487
Wow! That's unbelievable!
How do you do it?
240
00:10:07,487 --> 00:10:09,940
Show him your technique,
number two.
241
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:13,233
I told you I don't like to be
called "number two"
242
00:10:13,233 --> 00:10:15,405
Because it reminds me of
doo-doo.
243
00:10:15,405 --> 00:10:17,537
Okay, number one.
244
00:10:17,537 --> 00:10:18,869
Number one is pee-pee.
245
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:20,500
Number three?
That's a fart.
246
00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:21,792
87?
That's drool.
247
00:10:21,792 --> 00:10:22,953
15?
Earwax.
248
00:10:22,953 --> 00:10:24,124
All right, calvin!
249
00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,376
Then what do you want
to be called?
250
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:29,249
[ Sighs ]
the calvinator.
251
00:10:29,249 --> 00:10:30,550
Okay, calvinator.
252
00:10:30,550 --> 00:10:33,513
Would you please show franklin
your technique?
253
00:10:33,513 --> 00:10:35,345
It's simple.
254
00:10:35,345 --> 00:10:36,847
I just walk over...
255
00:10:36,847 --> 00:10:37,848
Mm-hmm.
256
00:10:37,848 --> 00:10:39,559
I look 'em in the eye...
257
00:10:39,559 --> 00:10:41,351
Flash my winning smile...
258
00:10:41,351 --> 00:10:42,602
[ Chuckles ]
259
00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:45,025
And say, "buy some candy?"
260
00:10:45,025 --> 00:10:47,187
Yeah, I wish I could,
but I'm on the phone right now.
261
00:10:47,187 --> 00:10:50,070
Oh, I guess he didn't see
the winning smile.
262
00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:54,234
[ Singsong voice ]
I said, "buy some candy."
263
00:10:54,234 --> 00:10:56,536
Can't you see
that I'm busy right now?
264
00:10:56,536 --> 00:10:57,988
I said, "buy some candy"!
265
00:10:57,988 --> 00:11:01,161
For god's sake, buy some candy
from him or he'll kill us all!
266
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:03,493
Okay, I'll take it all!
267
00:11:03,493 --> 00:11:05,085
Good technique.
268
00:11:06,206 --> 00:11:12,382
And then I flash my winning
smile and say, "thank you."
269
00:11:12,382 --> 00:11:13,633
You're welcome.
270
00:11:13,633 --> 00:11:14,715
[ Laughter ]
271
00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:15,926
Now buy some more!
272
00:11:15,926 --> 00:11:17,347
Okay.
273
00:11:21,892 --> 00:11:24,264
I'll send someone down to
get him.
274
00:11:24,264 --> 00:11:25,515
Thank you.
275
00:11:25,515 --> 00:11:26,516
Thank you.
276
00:11:26,516 --> 00:11:27,938
[ Sighs ]
277
00:11:27,938 --> 00:11:30,400
Oh, franklin, just the guy
I need to see.
278
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,192
The calvinator's been
arrested.
279
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,313
For what?
280
00:11:33,313 --> 00:11:34,654
He bit a nun.
281
00:11:34,654 --> 00:11:36,076
Why'd he do that?
282
00:11:36,076 --> 00:11:37,317
I don't know.
283
00:11:37,317 --> 00:11:39,740
I guess she didn't see
his winning smile.
284
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:40,951
[ Chuckles ]
285
00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:43,493
Forgive me for being so
forthright, mr. Kyle,
286
00:11:43,493 --> 00:11:45,165
But I'm concerned.
287
00:11:45,165 --> 00:11:46,246
So am i.
288
00:11:46,246 --> 00:11:48,288
I mean, we just lost
our best salesman.
289
00:11:48,288 --> 00:11:50,590
How am I supposed to beat
monty now?
290
00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:52,542
You misunderstand me,
mr. Kyle.
291
00:11:52,542 --> 00:11:54,594
This isn't about
beating monty.
292
00:11:54,594 --> 00:11:56,887
This is supposed to be
about bonding
293
00:11:56,887 --> 00:11:59,139
With something we both
love -- kady.
294
00:11:59,139 --> 00:12:01,301
I'm afraid she's getting
trampled underfoot
295
00:12:01,301 --> 00:12:03,183
In your mad dash
to victory.
296
00:12:03,183 --> 00:12:05,896
Whose side are you on,
you little oompa loompa?
297
00:12:05,896 --> 00:12:07,978
Don't you know I only
have one day
298
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:10,480
To sell over 4,000 bars of
chocolate?
299
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:14,064
What sucker do you know that's
gonna buy that much candy?
300
00:12:14,064 --> 00:12:17,067
Well, if you insist on
continuing down the path
301
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:19,990
That I warn you will only lead
to destruction,
302
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:22,823
I know someone with the
motivation and the money
303
00:12:22,823 --> 00:12:24,494
To put you over the top.
304
00:12:24,494 --> 00:12:25,866
You do? Who?
305
00:12:25,866 --> 00:12:27,167
Talk to me!
306
00:12:27,167 --> 00:12:28,168
Spit it out!
307
00:12:28,168 --> 00:12:29,209
You.
308
00:12:29,209 --> 00:12:30,250
Me?
309
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,751
Yes.
310
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,753
You want to win, don't you?
311
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,135
Yeah.
312
00:12:35,135 --> 00:12:38,088
You want to laugh
at monty, don't you?
313
00:12:38,088 --> 00:12:41,051
Oh, yeah.
314
00:12:41,051 --> 00:12:43,053
Yes, yes.
315
00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:46,096
But the thought of me buying
all that chocolate,
316
00:12:46,096 --> 00:12:47,978
Why, it's preposterous.
317
00:12:47,978 --> 00:12:51,892
Yet it's so preposterous, it's
actually brilliant.
318
00:12:51,892 --> 00:12:55,315
And it's so brilliant
that it's intriguing.
319
00:12:55,315 --> 00:12:59,159
In fact, it's so intriguingly,
preposterously,
320
00:12:59,159 --> 00:13:02,072
Brilliantly,
pandemically euphoric,
321
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:05,035
It might just work.
322
00:13:06,867 --> 00:13:09,169
What in the hell is this?
323
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,672
Victory, jay.
324
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,506
And it tastes so sweet.
325
00:13:16,506 --> 00:13:20,010
I'm on such a sugar high
right now.
326
00:13:20,010 --> 00:13:21,131
I'm out of here.
327
00:13:21,131 --> 00:13:24,304
Michael, who bought all these
boxes of chocolate?
328
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:25,976
Me. I did.
329
00:13:25,976 --> 00:13:27,888
Actually, it was
330
00:13:27,888 --> 00:13:30,060
Franklin aloysius mumford's
idea.
331
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,932
He's down processing
the paperwork right now.
332
00:13:31,932 --> 00:13:33,733
I wrote him the check.
333
00:13:33,733 --> 00:13:35,936
Well, how many candy bars
did you buy?
334
00:13:35,936 --> 00:13:38,148
Just enough to put us
over the top.
335
00:13:38,148 --> 00:13:39,819
And how much is that?
336
00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,532
Hey!
337
00:13:42,532 --> 00:13:43,703
What?
338
00:13:43,703 --> 00:13:45,285
Did you lose weight?
339
00:13:45,285 --> 00:13:46,997
Yeah. You noticed?
340
00:13:46,997 --> 00:13:49,870
'Cause I was really working
really hard.
341
00:13:49,870 --> 00:13:52,042
Ooh! Mmm, mmm!
342
00:13:52,042 --> 00:13:55,165
[ Laughs ]
343
00:13:55,165 --> 00:13:56,796
Shake that small can.
344
00:13:56,796 --> 00:13:57,958
Stop, michael.
345
00:13:57,958 --> 00:13:59,629
Shake that small can.
346
00:13:59,629 --> 00:14:02,222
[ Laughs ]
347
00:14:02,222 --> 00:14:03,223
Stop!
348
00:14:04,264 --> 00:14:06,426
Now, how many chocolates
did you buy, michael?
349
00:14:06,426 --> 00:14:08,268
I'm not playing.
How many?
350
00:14:08,268 --> 00:14:10,140
4,000.
351
00:14:11,771 --> 00:14:13,353
4,000 Bars of chocolate?
352
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,145
Michael, that's $12,000!
353
00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:17,477
I know, but it's money
well spent, jay.
354
00:14:17,477 --> 00:14:18,939
Look at this.
355
00:14:18,939 --> 00:14:21,741
Taste. Taste.
356
00:14:21,741 --> 00:14:24,824
Ahh! Taste it!
357
00:14:24,824 --> 00:14:26,987
Huh? You like that,
don't you, huh?
358
00:14:26,987 --> 00:14:29,159
Mmm!
359
00:14:29,159 --> 00:14:30,040
Yes!
360
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:31,451
Stop it!
361
00:14:31,451 --> 00:14:33,833
Stop trying to hypnotize me,
michael.
362
00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:36,546
You better get all of these
boxes of chocolate
363
00:14:36,546 --> 00:14:38,298
Out of my house now!
364
00:14:40,090 --> 00:14:41,761
Except for this one.
365
00:14:45,425 --> 00:14:47,177
And this one.
366
00:14:55,515 --> 00:14:56,776
Hey, how's it going?
367
00:14:56,776 --> 00:14:58,568
Your kid
sell any chocolate?
368
00:14:58,568 --> 00:15:00,570
Actually,
he sold 80 bars.
369
00:15:00,570 --> 00:15:03,523
Whoo! 80 Whole bars!
370
00:15:03,523 --> 00:15:05,575
Boy, I sure hope
we can beat that!
371
00:15:05,575 --> 00:15:08,989
Jerk!
372
00:15:11,031 --> 00:15:14,204
Well, well, well,
if it isn't 4,000-bar monty.
373
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:17,417
I hope you enjoyed the taste
of victory from last year
374
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:20,130
Because this year
I'm serving you up
375
00:15:20,130 --> 00:15:22,172
A piece of loser pie.
376
00:15:22,172 --> 00:15:23,383
[ Chuckles ]
377
00:15:23,383 --> 00:15:26,216
Dad,
you're embarrassing me.
378
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:29,179
Hey, there's no reason
to be embarrassed.
379
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:31,141
I'm proud to be your dad.
380
00:15:31,141 --> 00:15:35,265
Welcome to the award ceremony
for our 8th annual candy sale.
381
00:15:35,265 --> 00:15:38,148
I wish I could give
the grand prize to all of you,
382
00:15:38,148 --> 00:15:40,981
But I can only award it
to the top seller.
383
00:15:40,981 --> 00:15:43,984
So without further ado,
this year's winner is...
384
00:15:43,984 --> 00:15:45,905
Stand up, kady.
[ Chuckles ]
385
00:15:45,905 --> 00:15:47,197
It's time to shine.
386
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:48,618
You don't have a chance.
387
00:15:48,618 --> 00:15:51,281
...franklin aloysius mumford!
388
00:15:53,493 --> 00:15:54,954
F-f-franklin?
389
00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,287
Why, this is p-preposterous!
390
00:15:59,379 --> 00:16:01,171
Thank you all.
391
00:16:01,171 --> 00:16:04,924
Sophocles defines winning
as a state of mind one achieves
392
00:16:04,924 --> 00:16:07,257
When one has done
his or her best.
393
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:11,141
And I believe that that
describes everyone here tonight.
394
00:16:11,141 --> 00:16:13,513
Boo!
I demand a recount!
395
00:16:13,513 --> 00:16:14,514
Man: sit down!
396
00:16:14,514 --> 00:16:16,896
Jerk!
397
00:16:19,149 --> 00:16:21,771
Ohh!
398
00:16:21,771 --> 00:16:25,365
No man is an island,
and I couldn't have done this
399
00:16:25,365 --> 00:16:28,408
Without the help
of two very special people --
400
00:16:28,408 --> 00:16:30,320
First, my beloved kady kyle,
401
00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,323
The most wonderful flower
ever to bloom
402
00:16:33,323 --> 00:16:35,325
On this most wonderful earth.
403
00:16:36,206 --> 00:16:39,039
Now he's going to try
to get back in my good graces
404
00:16:39,039 --> 00:16:41,881
By introducing me
to all these people here.
405
00:16:41,881 --> 00:16:44,124
Well, this fish
is not taking the bait.
406
00:16:44,124 --> 00:16:46,336
How do I look?
407
00:16:46,336 --> 00:16:49,429
And second,
I'd like to thank someone
408
00:16:49,429 --> 00:16:53,133
Who's perhaps even more germane
to this communal triumph --
409
00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:56,015
My best salesman...
410
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,518
The calvinator.
411
00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,899
Calvin?
412
00:16:59,899 --> 00:17:03,022
...ator.
413
00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:04,854
Now, I've written a sonnet
414
00:17:04,854 --> 00:17:07,527
I'd like to dedicate
to sister mary.
415
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:12,992
When the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortunes hit you,
416
00:17:12,992 --> 00:17:16,996
I weep to the torn-asunder skies
and cry.
417
00:17:16,996 --> 00:17:20,039
[ Sniffles ]
sorry I bit you.
418
00:17:21,501 --> 00:17:24,334
The end.
[ Chuckles ]
419
00:17:25,425 --> 00:17:29,759
Oh, and now I bit you
adieu.
[Bid]
420
00:17:29,759 --> 00:17:31,721
[ Applause ]
421
00:17:31,721 --> 00:17:33,723
See you next year!
422
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,601
How could franklin
do this to me?
423
00:17:41,601 --> 00:17:42,772
I trusted him.
424
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:44,023
I made him my consigliere,
425
00:17:44,023 --> 00:17:46,486
And he used the words
of "the godfather" against me.
426
00:17:46,486 --> 00:17:54,114
"Keep your friends close
and your enemies c-c-closer."
427
00:17:54,114 --> 00:17:55,695
Michael, stop it.
428
00:17:55,695 --> 00:17:58,368
Well, as crazy as you got,
some good did come out of this.
429
00:17:58,368 --> 00:17:59,999
The homeless shelter said
430
00:17:59,999 --> 00:18:02,332
That was the most delicious
donation anyone has ever made.
431
00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:03,583
Yeah, well, I figured
432
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:06,336
That was the right place
to send all that chocolate.
433
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:07,967
I mean, none of them
have teeth anyway.
434
00:18:07,967 --> 00:18:09,048
Michael...
435
00:18:09,048 --> 00:18:11,171
[ Chuckling ]
what's wrong with you?
436
00:18:11,171 --> 00:18:15,014
May I have a word with you,
mr. Kyle?
437
00:18:15,014 --> 00:18:17,096
Is someone talking?
438
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,560
Because
franklin aloysius mumford
439
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:22,182
Is dead to me.
440
00:18:22,182 --> 00:18:23,223
Mr. Kyle...
441
00:18:23,223 --> 00:18:26,276
I just want you to know
that I never had any intention
442
00:18:26,276 --> 00:18:28,148
Of beating you
in the candy wars.
443
00:18:28,148 --> 00:18:30,400
Hmm.
I just wanted
kady to win.
444
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,902
But when your needs
surpassed hers,
445
00:18:32,902 --> 00:18:34,994
Well, I felt like
it was time
446
00:18:34,994 --> 00:18:37,367
That you were taught
a little lesson.
447
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:40,290
Well, I guess maybe I did get
a little out of control.
448
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:41,621
A little?
449
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:44,374
Okay, I lost my damn mind.
You happy?
450
00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:46,206
You know what,
mr. Kyle?
451
00:18:46,206 --> 00:18:49,549
It takes a big man to admit
that he was wrong.
452
00:18:49,549 --> 00:18:51,551
Am I alive to you
again?
453
00:18:51,551 --> 00:18:52,802
Yes, franklin.
454
00:18:52,802 --> 00:18:54,964
I think we can resurrect
our friendship.
455
00:18:54,964 --> 00:18:56,926
But you have to tell me --
456
00:18:56,926 --> 00:18:58,848
How did you sell
all those chocolates?
457
00:18:58,848 --> 00:19:02,352
Well, some old friends
from harvard bought some,
458
00:19:02,352 --> 00:19:05,315
Plus some of the neurosurgeons
at m.i.t.,
459
00:19:05,315 --> 00:19:08,318
And then this one guy
put me over the top
460
00:19:08,318 --> 00:19:09,729
By buying 4,000 bars.
461
00:19:09,729 --> 00:19:10,860
Wow, four thou--
462
00:19:10,860 --> 00:19:13,112
Where did you find
a sucker like --
463
00:19:13,112 --> 00:19:15,535
Me?
464
00:19:15,535 --> 00:19:16,696
Correct.
465
00:19:16,696 --> 00:19:19,539
I placed your order
on my form.
466
00:19:19,539 --> 00:19:22,202
Isn't that clever?
[ Laughs ]
467
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:23,703
[ Laughs ]
468
00:19:23,703 --> 00:19:26,206
[ Chuckles sarcastically ]
469
00:19:26,206 --> 00:19:27,247
Hi.
470
00:19:27,247 --> 00:19:28,248
Hello, my love.
471
00:19:28,248 --> 00:19:29,959
I've got a surprise
for you.
472
00:19:29,959 --> 00:19:31,211
I wonder what that is.
473
00:19:31,211 --> 00:19:35,054
He just won a bike.
What do you think it is?
474
00:19:36,346 --> 00:19:38,258
This is for you.
475
00:19:38,258 --> 00:19:41,180
Oh, my god, a bike!
I had no idea!
476
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,604
Why don't we go out
and test it out, you guys?
477
00:19:44,604 --> 00:19:46,726
Yeah, come on,
everybody.
478
00:19:46,726 --> 00:19:48,808
Yeah, go ahead.
Have fun.
479
00:19:48,808 --> 00:19:51,271
I'll just be here
by myself...
480
00:19:51,271 --> 00:19:54,274
All alone.
481
00:19:54,274 --> 00:19:55,525
Daddy?
482
00:19:55,525 --> 00:19:58,368
Hey,
why aren't you out there
483
00:19:58,368 --> 00:20:01,281
Riding your $12,000
victory bike?
484
00:20:01,281 --> 00:20:03,243
There'll be plenty of time
for that later.
485
00:20:03,243 --> 00:20:05,245
Am I too big
to sit on your lap?
486
00:20:05,245 --> 00:20:08,328
Of course not.
487
00:20:08,328 --> 00:20:10,089
Do you love me?
488
00:20:10,089 --> 00:20:11,130
Always and forever.
489
00:20:11,130 --> 00:20:13,092
And listen,
I want to apologize to you
490
00:20:13,092 --> 00:20:15,174
For the way I was acting
this last week.
491
00:20:15,174 --> 00:20:18,007
This candy sale was something
we were gonna do together,
492
00:20:18,007 --> 00:20:20,139
And I guess
I lost sight of that.
493
00:20:20,139 --> 00:20:21,301
It's okay.
494
00:20:21,301 --> 00:20:24,183
You're crazy,
but I like you crazy.
495
00:20:24,183 --> 00:20:26,436
I have a surprise for you.
496
00:20:26,436 --> 00:20:28,348
Really? What is it?
497
00:20:29,899 --> 00:20:31,351
Wow.
498
00:20:31,351 --> 00:20:33,613
A chocolate bar.
499
00:20:33,613 --> 00:20:36,155
Yeah, the last one.
I saved it for us.
500
00:20:36,155 --> 00:20:38,197
I smell belgian cocoa!
501
00:20:38,197 --> 00:20:39,619
Ahh!
502
00:20:41,861 --> 00:20:43,953
Here, daddy.
503
00:20:47,166 --> 00:20:48,958
Thank you.
504
00:20:53,633 --> 00:20:55,335
I'm going to say this once,
505
00:20:55,335 --> 00:20:57,046
And I'm going to say it once
only --
506
00:20:57,046 --> 00:20:58,338
Damn, this is good.
507
00:20:58,338 --> 00:21:00,340
I'm going to say this once,
508
00:21:00,340 --> 00:21:02,642
And I'm going to say it
once only,
509
00:21:02,642 --> 00:21:04,434
But that's not the line.
510
00:21:04,434 --> 00:21:06,436
I'm going to say this
one time.
511
00:21:06,436 --> 00:21:08,688
And I'm going to say this --
[ laughs ]
36134
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