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1
00:00:04,125 --> 00:00:05,756
I can't wait to see tony.
2
00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:06,927
He comes back
3
00:00:06,927 --> 00:00:09,130
From his self-imposed
purification exile today.
4
00:00:09,130 --> 00:00:10,131
What's that?
5
00:00:10,131 --> 00:00:11,262
Oh, he felt so guilty
6
00:00:11,262 --> 00:00:13,474
About getting drunk
and naked at the party
7
00:00:13,474 --> 00:00:16,137
That he went out to the desert
for 40 days and 40 nights
8
00:00:16,137 --> 00:00:17,638
To fast and cleanse himself.
9
00:00:17,638 --> 00:00:18,809
I really miss him.
10
00:00:18,809 --> 00:00:21,312
Absence has definitely
made my heart grow fonder.
11
00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:24,445
It should be abstinence that
makes your heart grow fonder.
12
00:00:24,445 --> 00:00:26,197
Oh, stop.
That is so sweet.
13
00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:27,908
Isn't that sweet, michael?
14
00:00:27,908 --> 00:00:31,112
No. He's gonna come back from
the desert hungry and horny
15
00:00:31,112 --> 00:00:32,953
And wanting to break
both fasts real fast.
16
00:00:32,953 --> 00:00:34,245
Stop.
17
00:00:34,245 --> 00:00:36,657
I bet they're gonna want to go
kissing.
18
00:00:36,657 --> 00:00:39,210
Not if he didn't brush his teeth
for 40 days.
19
00:00:39,210 --> 00:00:41,922
Since when did this become
"pick on claire" day?
20
00:00:41,922 --> 00:00:44,875
Because every day can't be
"pick on junior" day.
21
00:00:44,875 --> 00:00:47,838
Greetings and sanitations,
everybody.
22
00:00:47,838 --> 00:00:49,340
On second thought...
23
00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:51,882
Oh, my gosh.
Is that a puppy?
24
00:00:51,882 --> 00:00:53,934
Oh, it's so cute.
What's its name?
25
00:00:53,934 --> 00:00:55,096
Lady.
26
00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:56,977
You sure that's a dog
and not a rat?
27
00:00:56,977 --> 00:00:59,560
Oh, lady's a sweetheart,
mr. Kyle.
28
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,813
Come on, lady.
Give mr. Kyle a kiss.
29
00:01:02,813 --> 00:01:04,895
Uh...duh.
30
00:01:04,895 --> 00:01:06,107
You see, I have a rule.
31
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:09,610
I don't kiss anything that uses
its tongue as toilet paper.
32
00:01:09,610 --> 00:01:12,573
Baby, dogs' mouths are cleaner
than human mouths.
33
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,785
Let me lick my butt
then kiss you.
34
00:01:17,037 --> 00:01:18,999
That's what I thought.
35
00:01:21,122 --> 00:01:23,464
And look at this --
lady is actually a man.
36
00:01:23,464 --> 00:01:25,416
Yeah, it was supposed to be
laddie,
37
00:01:25,416 --> 00:01:27,128
But we just liked lady
better.
38
00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:29,920
What kind of gay dog
are you raising?
39
00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,262
[ Laughing ]
what?
40
00:01:31,262 --> 00:01:35,926
Ruff, ruff, ruff.
Throw me another balls.
41
00:01:35,926 --> 00:01:37,218
Shut up!
42
00:01:37,218 --> 00:01:40,721
Yeah, dad, leave lady alone.
He's got enough problems.
43
00:01:40,721 --> 00:01:42,102
We just came from the vet.
44
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,854
He has to take these little
pills for his thyroid.
45
00:01:46,066 --> 00:01:49,570
Are you sure that having a gay
dog with a thyroid problem
46
00:01:49,570 --> 00:01:52,823
Is what you guys need at this
point in your life?
47
00:01:52,823 --> 00:01:54,825
Yeah, they told us
in parenting class
48
00:01:54,825 --> 00:01:57,368
That taking care of a pet
is a good dress rehearsal
49
00:01:57,368 --> 00:01:58,829
For taking care of a baby.
50
00:01:58,829 --> 00:02:00,701
Well, I think
that's a great idea.
51
00:02:00,701 --> 00:02:03,294
Yeah, I do too...as long as you
keep it in the garage.
52
00:02:03,294 --> 00:02:05,876
I never understood that.
Why can't we have a dog?
53
00:02:05,876 --> 00:02:06,877
[ Sneezes ]
54
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:07,958
That's why.
55
00:02:07,958 --> 00:02:10,881
Oh, come on. She's
not allergic to dogs.
56
00:02:10,881 --> 00:02:13,093
Oh, she's not?
Watch this.
57
00:02:13,093 --> 00:02:15,216
See? Here's kady
without dog.
58
00:02:15,216 --> 00:02:16,757
Mm-hmm.
59
00:02:16,757 --> 00:02:17,758
[ Sneezes ]
60
00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:19,099
That's kady with dog.
61
00:02:19,099 --> 00:02:21,021
Without dog...
With dog.
62
00:02:21,021 --> 00:02:22,022
[ Sneezes ]
63
00:02:22,022 --> 00:02:23,854
Oh, that's cool.
Let me try.
64
00:02:23,854 --> 00:02:24,855
Uh...
65
00:02:24,855 --> 00:02:25,856
[ Sneezes ]
66
00:02:25,856 --> 00:02:28,609
No.
67
00:02:28,609 --> 00:02:31,442
Hey, I'm gonna pick up some of
kady's allergy medicine today.
68
00:02:31,442 --> 00:02:33,274
She'll be fine
after she takes that.
69
00:02:33,274 --> 00:02:34,775
Okay. Well, until then,
70
00:02:34,775 --> 00:02:36,657
I promise, we'll keep him
out of the house.
71
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,619
See you all later.
72
00:02:38,619 --> 00:02:39,990
Bye, lady.
73
00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:41,081
Bye, kady.
74
00:02:41,081 --> 00:02:42,373
Bye, rat.
75
00:02:42,373 --> 00:02:44,955
I gotta go, too.
I gotta get my jacket.
76
00:02:44,955 --> 00:02:47,788
I'm gonna drop you girls
off at school.
77
00:02:47,788 --> 00:02:50,251
Put your stuff
in the car, please.
78
00:02:50,251 --> 00:02:51,252
Okay, mommy.
79
00:02:51,252 --> 00:02:52,633
I will see you later.
80
00:02:52,633 --> 00:02:55,175
Don't forget.
You're making dinner tonight.
81
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:58,008
I thought I would make
some of my famous beef stew.
82
00:02:58,008 --> 00:02:59,009
Really?
83
00:02:59,009 --> 00:03:00,060
I thought you might
84
00:03:00,060 --> 00:03:03,013
'Cause that's the only thing
you know how to make.
85
00:03:03,013 --> 00:03:04,605
That is not true.
86
00:03:04,605 --> 00:03:07,017
Not only can I make beef stew,
87
00:03:07,017 --> 00:03:09,650
But I can make
stewed beef, too.
88
00:03:09,650 --> 00:03:12,523
You're gonna make me late.
Goodbye.
89
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:16,407
Oh, claire!
Baby, you forgot your --
90
00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:22,082
Condoms?
91
00:03:31,922 --> 00:03:33,384
Look, jay, condoms.
92
00:03:33,384 --> 00:03:36,006
Not now, michael.
I'm in a rush.
93
00:03:36,006 --> 00:03:39,260
No, these fell out
of claire's backpack.
94
00:03:39,260 --> 00:03:40,601
Health class.
95
00:03:40,601 --> 00:03:43,013
I'm sure that's
where she got 'em from.
96
00:03:43,013 --> 00:03:46,106
Not these, jay.
These are thick 'ums.
97
00:03:46,106 --> 00:03:48,939
You need a prescription
to get these.
98
00:03:48,939 --> 00:03:51,852
Michael, it's a part
of sex education.
99
00:03:51,852 --> 00:03:53,314
Will you just relax?
100
00:03:53,314 --> 00:03:54,775
How do I relax
101
00:03:54,775 --> 00:03:56,987
When condoms are falling out
of my daughter's backpack
102
00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,449
On the very same day
103
00:03:58,449 --> 00:04:00,281
That her horny boyfriend's
coming back from the desert
104
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,532
After 40 days and 40 nights?
105
00:04:01,532 --> 00:04:03,704
How do I do that?
Huh? Huh?
106
00:04:03,704 --> 00:04:06,667
Tell me right now
how do I do relax, huh?
107
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,499
Help me, help me, help me.
108
00:04:08,499 --> 00:04:10,671
I don't even know.
Help me.
109
00:04:10,671 --> 00:04:12,293
Michael, don't start that,
okay?
110
00:04:12,293 --> 00:04:14,965
'Cause when you start getting
a thought in your head,
111
00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:17,177
You're like a pit bull
with a piece of meat.
112
00:04:17,177 --> 00:04:18,218
You just don't let it go.
113
00:04:18,218 --> 00:04:19,219
I am not like that.
114
00:04:19,219 --> 00:04:20,301
Yes, you are.
No, I'm not.
115
00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:21,972
Yes, yes, yes.
No, no, no.
116
00:04:21,972 --> 00:04:23,304
I am not...
Yes.
117
00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:24,975
Like that.
Yes!
118
00:04:24,975 --> 00:04:26,517
At all.
Stop!
119
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:27,688
Not me.
120
00:04:30,150 --> 00:04:32,062
Claire is a very
trustworthy girl,
121
00:04:32,062 --> 00:04:35,736
And what you're doing right now
is an invasion of her privacy.
122
00:04:35,736 --> 00:04:36,987
I'm trying to make sure
123
00:04:36,987 --> 00:04:39,450
That tony doesn't invade
her p-privacy.
124
00:04:39,450 --> 00:04:42,823
Michael, do you remember what
happened when I read her diary?
125
00:04:42,823 --> 00:04:43,864
What a disaster that was?
126
00:04:43,864 --> 00:04:45,035
Yeah.
127
00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:47,618
Well, we swore we would
never do that --
128
00:04:47,618 --> 00:04:48,959
Not we.
You swore.
129
00:04:48,959 --> 00:04:51,712
I was out in the hallway
eavesdropping.
130
00:04:51,712 --> 00:04:54,965
Look, they are at an age
where things happen, jay.
131
00:04:54,965 --> 00:04:57,468
Those things happen
between you and i.
132
00:04:57,468 --> 00:05:00,511
Those things happen between
junior and vanessa.
133
00:05:00,511 --> 00:05:03,724
And those things could happen
between claire and tony.
134
00:05:03,724 --> 00:05:06,767
And if those things happen
between claire and tony,
135
00:05:06,767 --> 00:05:09,520
Then some other things are
gonna happen to tony
136
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,433
That he's gonna wish hadn't had
to have happened.
137
00:05:15,646 --> 00:05:18,148
That's your answer
to everything -- castration.
138
00:05:18,148 --> 00:05:20,651
That's right.
It worked for lorena bobbitt.
139
00:05:20,651 --> 00:05:22,533
She hasn't complained
a day yet.
140
00:05:22,533 --> 00:05:24,365
Matter of fact,
I saw her on tv
141
00:05:24,365 --> 00:05:26,116
Whistling,
playing hacky sack.
142
00:05:26,116 --> 00:05:28,208
[ Whistling ]
143
00:05:33,123 --> 00:05:35,085
Michael?
144
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,087
Michael!
145
00:05:37,087 --> 00:05:41,131
Neither one of these kids are
planning on having sex, okay?
146
00:05:41,131 --> 00:05:44,094
Hacky sack with lorena bobbitt.
147
00:05:49,059 --> 00:05:50,060
Whoo!
148
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:51,932
Uh! Okay. Come on in.
149
00:05:51,932 --> 00:05:53,524
Welcome home.
150
00:05:53,524 --> 00:05:55,185
Finished my purification.
151
00:05:55,185 --> 00:05:56,316
Good for you.
152
00:05:56,316 --> 00:05:57,648
I sure am hungry.
153
00:05:57,648 --> 00:05:58,979
Yeah, I bet you are.
154
00:05:58,979 --> 00:06:02,403
Oh, no. Tell me that's
not your famous beef stew.
155
00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:03,784
Oh, yes, it is.
156
00:06:03,784 --> 00:06:07,327
Look at that -- chockful
of celery and carrots
157
00:06:07,327 --> 00:06:10,040
And potatoes
and u.s.d.a.-Grade beef.
158
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:11,201
Mmm!
159
00:06:11,201 --> 00:06:14,044
Are you drooling, tony?
160
00:06:14,044 --> 00:06:17,758
Heh-heh-heh-heh.
161
00:06:17,758 --> 00:06:20,841
Tony? Tony.
162
00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:23,964
Is claire home?
163
00:06:23,964 --> 00:06:26,346
No, she's not back
from school yet.
164
00:06:26,346 --> 00:06:28,969
I promised myself
while I was in the desert
165
00:06:28,969 --> 00:06:30,891
While eating my last toenail
166
00:06:30,891 --> 00:06:33,934
That I would wait to have
my first real meal with her.
167
00:06:33,934 --> 00:06:37,608
You know what? I love
your discipline and will.
168
00:06:37,608 --> 00:06:41,401
I mean, me -- if I would have
smelled some beef stew
169
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,234
After 40 days
that smelled this good,
170
00:06:44,234 --> 00:06:45,576
I'd break down.
171
00:06:45,576 --> 00:06:47,578
I'd just have to have some.
172
00:06:47,578 --> 00:06:50,621
But you -- you
mr. Strong will himself.
173
00:06:50,621 --> 00:06:52,833
Boy, look at this.
Look at this.
174
00:06:52,833 --> 00:06:53,994
You see that?
175
00:06:53,994 --> 00:06:56,627
I don't know if I could
resist some of this.
176
00:06:58,298 --> 00:06:59,750
Ooh! Ooh!
177
00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:05,466
You know how it gets hot in your
mouth and you go [inhales]
178
00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:08,258
Oh, this is stupendous here.
Mm, mmm.
179
00:07:08,258 --> 00:07:10,721
But you don't want none
of that.
180
00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:12,473
I'm probably gonna have to
181
00:07:12,473 --> 00:07:14,975
Take one of these homemade
biscuits,
182
00:07:14,975 --> 00:07:16,266
Break that open.
183
00:07:16,266 --> 00:07:18,729
Just sop it up, right?
See that?
184
00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:21,982
Dip in there
and take a bite.
185
00:07:21,982 --> 00:07:23,063
Mmm!
186
00:07:23,063 --> 00:07:25,986
Ooh, make your toes curl.
187
00:07:25,986 --> 00:07:28,328
Unh-unh. You gotta be
strong, tony.
188
00:07:28,328 --> 00:07:31,532
Now, I gotta go out to the
garage for a second.
189
00:07:31,532 --> 00:07:34,074
I want you to watch that
for me, okay?
190
00:07:34,074 --> 00:07:36,076
Don't let nobody take none.
191
00:07:36,076 --> 00:07:38,248
There might be some
hungry guy around here
192
00:07:38,248 --> 00:07:39,960
Just take up
all my beef stew.
193
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,172
No, no, no.
Don't leave me with the --
194
00:07:42,172 --> 00:07:44,384
Don't leave me with the stew,
mr. Kyle.
195
00:07:44,384 --> 00:07:46,386
Please, please,
I couldn't take it.
196
00:07:46,386 --> 00:07:49,049
I tell you what, since
you like toenails so much,
197
00:07:49,049 --> 00:07:52,052
Why don't I take one of my
toenails and dip it in there
198
00:07:52,052 --> 00:07:53,353
And let you get that?
199
00:07:53,353 --> 00:07:55,856
That way, you didn't
technically have none.
200
00:07:55,856 --> 00:07:57,147
Yeah, yeah, that's good.
201
00:07:57,147 --> 00:07:58,649
I need a toenail clipper.
202
00:07:58,649 --> 00:08:00,981
I got one.
I have one.
203
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,312
Okay. Okay.
204
00:08:02,312 --> 00:08:04,565
Which toenail you like?
205
00:08:04,565 --> 00:08:07,157
Can I request the big toe?
206
00:08:07,157 --> 00:08:09,319
But don't you think this one
here is better?
207
00:08:09,319 --> 00:08:10,320
Look at that.
208
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,782
No, no, that one's ripe.
209
00:08:11,782 --> 00:08:13,243
Yeah.
210
00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,955
Oh. Okay.
211
00:08:14,955 --> 00:08:18,498
It's gonna be spicy, too,
'cause I didn't wash my feet.
212
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,080
That's -- that's fine.
213
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:22,963
You know what, tony?
I'm thinking --
214
00:08:22,963 --> 00:08:27,217
Why have just a toenail full
when you can have a whole bowl?
215
00:08:27,217 --> 00:08:29,299
Let me put this thing down.
216
00:08:29,299 --> 00:08:31,131
Here, tony.
Tony.
217
00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:32,683
Yes?
218
00:08:32,683 --> 00:08:35,395
Look at me, look at me,
look at me.
219
00:08:35,395 --> 00:08:36,687
Huh? Look.
220
00:08:36,687 --> 00:08:38,979
Let's just have
some stew, huh?
221
00:08:38,979 --> 00:08:42,643
Me and you. Just two guys
sharing some stew.
222
00:08:42,643 --> 00:08:44,104
Okay, mr. Kyle.
223
00:08:44,104 --> 00:08:46,777
Look at that.
Look at that, huh?
224
00:08:46,777 --> 00:08:49,990
Wait. Let me ask you a couple
of questions first, huh?
225
00:08:49,990 --> 00:08:51,241
Okay.
226
00:08:51,241 --> 00:08:53,533
Tony, do you know
what this is for?
227
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:55,956
I don't want stew
that bad, mr. Kyle.
228
00:08:55,956 --> 00:08:57,117
You know what, tony?
229
00:08:57,117 --> 00:08:59,329
I found this
in claire's backpack.
230
00:08:59,329 --> 00:09:02,122
I need to know -- are you
planning on using it?
231
00:09:02,122 --> 00:09:03,714
Maybe when we get married.
232
00:09:03,714 --> 00:09:05,716
Fine. I'll just put back
the stew.
233
00:09:05,716 --> 00:09:06,837
Okay! Okay!
234
00:09:06,837 --> 00:09:08,508
Yes, we're gonna do it!
Just give me the stew!
235
00:09:08,508 --> 00:09:10,130
No, don't you --
236
00:09:10,130 --> 00:09:12,172
Get my stew out of your mouth,
you little horn dog!
237
00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:14,595
Get it out, get it out,
get it out.
238
00:09:14,595 --> 00:09:15,766
Spit it out.
239
00:09:15,766 --> 00:09:19,059
You get out of here.
You disgust me.
240
00:09:25,946 --> 00:09:27,237
Hi.
241
00:09:27,237 --> 00:09:29,950
Thank god you're home.
Listen, I got bad news.
242
00:09:29,950 --> 00:09:31,151
What? What happened?
243
00:09:31,151 --> 00:09:33,113
Tony was over,
and I grilled him.
244
00:09:33,113 --> 00:09:34,114
You grilled tony?
245
00:09:34,114 --> 00:09:35,956
I thought we were having
beef stew.
246
00:09:35,956 --> 00:09:37,748
[ Laughing ]
247
00:09:43,253 --> 00:09:44,504
Oh, sorry.
248
00:09:44,504 --> 00:09:47,087
Yeah. Look, we gotta stay
serious, jay.
249
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,130
I got him to confess that him
and claire want to have sex.
250
00:09:50,130 --> 00:09:51,341
How?
251
00:09:51,341 --> 00:09:53,303
With some beef stew
and a toenail.
252
00:09:53,303 --> 00:09:55,215
Wait, what?
Toenail and beef stew?
253
00:09:55,215 --> 00:09:57,808
Yeah, my big toenail
and some beef stew.
254
00:09:57,808 --> 00:10:00,641
It's on the counter,
if you want to see it later.
255
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,063
What's important is we gotta
stay focused.
256
00:10:03,063 --> 00:10:06,026
We gotta stop claire and tony
from having sex.
257
00:10:06,026 --> 00:10:07,728
This is bad.
This is really bad.
258
00:10:07,728 --> 00:10:08,989
It's real bad.
Sit down.
259
00:10:08,989 --> 00:10:10,490
I'm crazy.
I feel crazy.
260
00:10:10,490 --> 00:10:12,572
You are feeling crazy
and you know why?
261
00:10:12,572 --> 00:10:15,365
Because this is one of your
little crazy things, michael,
262
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,537
Like running a marathon
without training,
263
00:10:17,537 --> 00:10:19,159
Like playing a piano
264
00:10:19,159 --> 00:10:21,621
When you clearly need to learn
how to play the piano.
265
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,454
Calm down.
266
00:10:24,454 --> 00:10:26,416
Just calm down?
267
00:10:26,416 --> 00:10:27,878
Just exhale?
268
00:10:27,878 --> 00:10:29,089
Just exhale.
269
00:10:29,089 --> 00:10:30,751
[ Inhales deeply ]
270
00:10:30,751 --> 00:10:34,174
[ Exhales ]
271
00:10:34,174 --> 00:10:37,017
How the hell am I supposed
to calm down
272
00:10:37,017 --> 00:10:40,140
When my daughter want to offer
that boy her honor?
273
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,432
And he wants to honor
her offer.
274
00:10:42,432 --> 00:10:44,815
Then it's gonna be honor,
offer, honor, offer.
275
00:10:44,815 --> 00:10:47,107
Stop, stop!
Michael! Stop!
276
00:10:47,107 --> 00:10:51,111
Listen to me!
Leave claire alone!
277
00:10:51,111 --> 00:10:54,985
And get that damn toenail
and beef stew
278
00:10:54,985 --> 00:10:57,657
Up off my clean counter now!
279
00:11:00,781 --> 00:11:02,042
[ Sneezing ]
280
00:11:02,042 --> 00:11:05,165
Bring it, bring it,
bring it, bring it.
281
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,456
Bring it, bring it.
282
00:11:06,456 --> 00:11:09,840
Have you been out there
playing with that dog?
283
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:10,841
No.
284
00:11:12,002 --> 00:11:13,213
[ Sighs ] yes.
285
00:11:13,213 --> 00:11:16,296
It's all up in here.
The tail is all out.
286
00:11:16,296 --> 00:11:19,599
Yes, junior said that I could
play with him.
287
00:11:19,599 --> 00:11:21,181
Oh, he did, did he?
288
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:23,063
You go tell junior he needs
to give you
289
00:11:23,063 --> 00:11:25,355
One of the allergy pills
I picked up for you today.
290
00:11:25,355 --> 00:11:27,357
And put that dog back
into the garage.
291
00:11:27,357 --> 00:11:28,438
Thank you.
292
00:11:31,521 --> 00:11:34,484
Okay. We will take care
of that sneeze right now.
293
00:11:34,484 --> 00:11:36,777
Then you can play with lady
all you want.
294
00:11:36,777 --> 00:11:37,778
Good.
295
00:11:37,778 --> 00:11:38,949
Okay. Get your medicine.
296
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:40,660
It says, "take with food."
297
00:11:40,660 --> 00:11:42,873
What kind of food
would you like?
298
00:11:42,873 --> 00:11:45,665
I don't know.
How about some ice cream?
299
00:11:45,665 --> 00:11:46,957
Good idea.
300
00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:52,092
Okay, get you a nice
spoonful of ice cream.
301
00:11:52,092 --> 00:11:55,836
Put the pill in it,
give it to you, and...
302
00:11:55,836 --> 00:11:57,387
Rub your throat.
303
00:11:57,387 --> 00:12:01,141
Ahhhhh.
There we go.
304
00:12:01,141 --> 00:12:02,893
[ Humming ]
305
00:12:02,893 --> 00:12:04,554
There we go.
306
00:12:10,110 --> 00:12:11,481
What are you doing, boy?
307
00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,153
Giving kady her medicine.
308
00:12:13,153 --> 00:12:14,354
By rubbing her throat?
309
00:12:14,354 --> 00:12:17,157
Well, yeah, that's what
it says on the bottle.
310
00:12:17,157 --> 00:12:18,238
Let me see this.
311
00:12:20,991 --> 00:12:24,124
Junior, this says for lady kyle,
not kady kyle.
312
00:12:24,124 --> 00:12:26,917
You just gave your sister
dog medicine!
313
00:12:28,078 --> 00:12:29,749
Hmm.
314
00:12:32,542 --> 00:12:36,086
Run. Run fast!
315
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:40,760
Okay. Thanks a lot.
Thank god.
316
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,182
What did the doctor say?
317
00:12:42,182 --> 00:12:44,344
He said the pills kady took
are harmless.
318
00:12:44,344 --> 00:12:45,806
It won't hurt her at all.
319
00:12:45,806 --> 00:12:47,017
That's good news.
320
00:12:47,017 --> 00:12:49,479
What did mr. Junior have to
say about all of this?
321
00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:52,352
To tell you the truth,
he kind of just shrugged it off.
322
00:12:52,352 --> 00:12:55,195
He even suggested that I give
lady two of kady's pills
323
00:12:55,195 --> 00:12:56,947
To balance out the universe.
324
00:12:56,947 --> 00:12:59,319
You know, that boy puts the
"oron" in "moron."
325
00:12:59,319 --> 00:13:01,992
How's he gonna be able to take
care of his own baby
326
00:13:01,992 --> 00:13:05,325
When he can't even read simple
directions on a medicine bottle?
327
00:13:05,325 --> 00:13:07,908
Michael, this could have been
a real tragedy.
328
00:13:07,908 --> 00:13:10,540
I know, and I'm not gonna let
him off that easily.
329
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,003
This calls for a michael kyle
signature moment.
330
00:13:13,003 --> 00:13:16,837
I was thinking more like a
michael kyle signature...day.
331
00:13:16,837 --> 00:13:19,009
Yeah? You have something
in mind?
332
00:13:19,009 --> 00:13:22,382
Oh, yeah, but it's gonna
require the whole family.
333
00:13:22,382 --> 00:13:25,555
Everyone...except junior,
of course, because...
334
00:13:33,643 --> 00:13:35,936
[ Whistling ]
335
00:13:35,936 --> 00:13:37,357
Oh, kady.
336
00:13:37,357 --> 00:13:39,399
Oh, my baby.
337
00:13:39,399 --> 00:13:40,941
[ Growling ]
338
00:13:40,941 --> 00:13:42,242
Hey, what's going on?
339
00:13:42,242 --> 00:13:43,994
You happy, huh?
Are you happy?
340
00:13:43,994 --> 00:13:47,207
The medicine you gave your
sister's turning her into a dog.
341
00:13:47,207 --> 00:13:48,498
Oh, get out of here.
342
00:13:48,498 --> 00:13:50,580
I may have put the "oron"
in "moron,"
343
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:52,662
But I didn't put the "upid"
in "dumb."
344
00:13:55,505 --> 00:13:57,717
You think this is
a game, huh?
345
00:13:57,717 --> 00:13:59,419
Do you think we're playing?
346
00:13:59,419 --> 00:14:02,012
This is a serious illness
she's got.
347
00:14:02,012 --> 00:14:04,464
She's got canine metamorphous
syndrome!
348
00:14:04,464 --> 00:14:05,515
She's got cms?!
349
00:14:05,515 --> 00:14:07,427
Yes, and it's all your fault
350
00:14:07,427 --> 00:14:10,520
And there's nothing we can
do except hope and pray
351
00:14:10,520 --> 00:14:12,472
And teach her a few
more tricks.
352
00:14:12,472 --> 00:14:14,104
Hey, kady, sit up, girl.
353
00:14:15,735 --> 00:14:16,736
Speak, speak.
354
00:14:16,736 --> 00:14:17,898
[ Barking ]
355
00:14:17,898 --> 00:14:20,030
Okay, roll over.
Roll over, girl.
356
00:14:20,030 --> 00:14:22,032
Oh, very good.
Here you go.
357
00:14:22,032 --> 00:14:24,194
Here you go --
a little treat.
358
00:14:24,194 --> 00:14:25,195
There you go.
359
00:14:25,195 --> 00:14:27,487
Oh, man, what have I done?
360
00:14:27,487 --> 00:14:31,701
Oh, kady, my little baby
sister, the horror!
361
00:14:31,701 --> 00:14:33,543
What can we do?!
362
00:14:33,543 --> 00:14:35,205
Hold on a second.
363
00:14:39,339 --> 00:14:40,760
Not we.
What can you do?
364
00:14:40,760 --> 00:14:42,963
This is your responsibility.
Look at her.
365
00:14:42,963 --> 00:14:44,054
She got fleas.
366
00:14:44,054 --> 00:14:45,465
Get off my table.
367
00:14:45,465 --> 00:14:48,348
You got to feed her
and take care of her.
368
00:14:48,348 --> 00:14:49,889
Off my table.
369
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,182
Bad kady!
Bad kady!
370
00:14:52,182 --> 00:14:55,515
This is awful.
Kady, I'm so sorry.
371
00:14:55,515 --> 00:14:57,187
[ Growls ]
372
00:14:57,187 --> 00:14:59,609
[ Barking ]
373
00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:03,323
Here. Take your sister
for a walk.
374
00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,364
Take her for a walk.
375
00:15:04,364 --> 00:15:05,365
No.
376
00:15:05,365 --> 00:15:07,617
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
377
00:15:07,617 --> 00:15:09,619
Take her outside!
378
00:15:09,619 --> 00:15:11,621
Come on, come on!
379
00:15:11,621 --> 00:15:13,533
Outside, kady!
380
00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:16,336
[ Laughs ]
381
00:15:19,539 --> 00:15:20,800
[ Knock on door ]
382
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,253
Mom, can I talk to you
for a minute?
383
00:15:23,253 --> 00:15:24,544
Yeah. Come on in, baby.
384
00:15:24,544 --> 00:15:27,547
What's up with dad?
Why's he acting so weird?
385
00:15:27,547 --> 00:15:31,431
Oh. Uh...claire,
your father thinks
386
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,014
That you and tony are planning
on having sex tonight.
387
00:15:34,014 --> 00:15:35,315
What?!
388
00:15:35,315 --> 00:15:37,317
Yeah, he found these condoms
in your backpack,
389
00:15:37,317 --> 00:15:38,648
And you know
how your father is.
390
00:15:38,648 --> 00:15:41,191
Once he gets an idea in his
head, there's no stopping him.
391
00:15:41,191 --> 00:15:43,443
They're from my health class.
I totally forgot I had them.
392
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:44,654
I assumed they were.
393
00:15:44,654 --> 00:15:47,367
Look, claire, your father's
just worried about you
394
00:15:47,367 --> 00:15:49,409
Because of everything
that's going on
395
00:15:49,409 --> 00:15:50,530
With junior and vanessa.
396
00:15:50,530 --> 00:15:53,123
You can't blame him for being
paranoid, baby.
397
00:15:53,123 --> 00:15:55,625
Well, why didn't he just come
to me and ask me?
398
00:15:55,625 --> 00:15:57,998
This is your father
we are talking about.
399
00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:01,251
He's got kady downstairs acting
like a dog to prove a point.
400
00:16:01,251 --> 00:16:04,504
I hate that he doesn't trust me.
It's insulting.
401
00:16:04,504 --> 00:16:07,797
I understand that.
Can you try to just let it go?
402
00:16:07,797 --> 00:16:08,888
Okay, mom.
403
00:16:10,590 --> 00:16:12,722
I'll let it go,
all right.
404
00:16:15,805 --> 00:16:18,478
Junior, stop teasing
your sister.
405
00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:20,270
She likes it when
I tickle her belly.
406
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:21,481
Yeah? Well, I don't.
407
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,443
Why don't you go feed her
a biscuit or something?
408
00:16:23,443 --> 00:16:24,524
Okay.
409
00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:28,318
How am I doing?
410
00:16:28,318 --> 00:16:29,779
You're doing great.
411
00:16:29,779 --> 00:16:32,782
When he comes back, I want you
to pee on his leg, okay?
412
00:16:32,782 --> 00:16:34,284
No, don't even try it.
413
00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,285
[ Horn honks ]
414
00:16:35,285 --> 00:16:37,167
That's tony.
I better go.
415
00:16:37,167 --> 00:16:39,459
Where you going
dressed like that?
416
00:16:39,459 --> 00:16:40,620
Hump canyon.
417
00:16:40,620 --> 00:16:41,831
Hump canyon?
418
00:16:41,831 --> 00:16:45,004
Yeah. Well, good night.
Don't wait up.
419
00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,717
Ah...
420
00:16:47,717 --> 00:16:49,389
[ Growls ]
421
00:16:49,389 --> 00:16:51,471
Hey, I'm the dog.
422
00:16:51,471 --> 00:16:54,634
Right, here, fetch.
423
00:16:54,634 --> 00:16:55,895
[ Barking ]
424
00:16:58,768 --> 00:16:59,809
Hump canyon?
425
00:16:59,809 --> 00:17:01,311
Michael --
michael --
426
00:17:01,311 --> 00:17:03,403
I can't take this.
I need to --
427
00:17:03,403 --> 00:17:04,444
I need some air.
428
00:17:04,444 --> 00:17:07,357
Don't you do it.
Don't go following those kids.
429
00:17:07,357 --> 00:17:09,279
Why would I want
to do that?
430
00:17:09,279 --> 00:17:11,861
I don't even know where
the hump canyon is.
431
00:17:11,861 --> 00:17:14,364
I'm just gonna go take my car
for a walk.
432
00:17:14,364 --> 00:17:16,456
Michael!
433
00:17:30,430 --> 00:17:31,511
Aha! Gotcha!
434
00:17:31,511 --> 00:17:32,842
Hi, daddy.
What took you so long?
435
00:17:32,842 --> 00:17:34,634
Don't "hi, daddy" me.
Where is he?
436
00:17:34,634 --> 00:17:35,725
Where is he, huh?
437
00:17:35,725 --> 00:17:37,557
Tony? I dropped him off
at home,
438
00:17:37,557 --> 00:17:39,479
Then I came up here
to wait for you.
439
00:17:39,479 --> 00:17:41,271
Hop in.
I brought you some coffee.
440
00:17:43,603 --> 00:17:46,946
Tony?
441
00:17:46,946 --> 00:17:49,609
Bet you feel really
stupid, huh?
442
00:17:49,609 --> 00:17:52,532
No. I don't feel stupid.
You know why?
443
00:17:52,532 --> 00:17:56,576
Because you're up on hump
mountain molesting yourself,
444
00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:58,328
Getting high on caffeine.
445
00:17:58,328 --> 00:18:00,790
Nice try, dad,
but you're busted.
446
00:18:00,790 --> 00:18:02,292
You can't deny it.
447
00:18:02,292 --> 00:18:05,755
So, all that talk
about tony and romance --
448
00:18:05,755 --> 00:18:07,587
Cheese in the trap.
449
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,469
And, boy, did you take it.
450
00:18:09,469 --> 00:18:11,381
You're in trouble, pal.
451
00:18:11,381 --> 00:18:12,382
I'm sorry.
452
00:18:12,382 --> 00:18:13,633
Z-z-zip it.
453
00:18:13,633 --> 00:18:16,926
I'm not letting you off
that easy.
454
00:18:16,926 --> 00:18:21,100
But I found condoms.
I mean, I thought that --
455
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,722
No, you didn't think.
456
00:18:22,722 --> 00:18:25,565
You just jumped
to conclusions.
457
00:18:25,565 --> 00:18:27,026
You don't trust me.
458
00:18:27,026 --> 00:18:30,570
I do trust you,
just not up on humpty lane.
459
00:18:30,570 --> 00:18:31,401
[ Sighs ]
460
00:18:31,401 --> 00:18:33,153
Look, dad, I'm getting
to the age
461
00:18:33,153 --> 00:18:35,575
Where you're gonna have to
learn to trust me.
462
00:18:35,575 --> 00:18:37,497
You raised me,
and now it's time
463
00:18:37,497 --> 00:18:40,330
To have a little faith
in the job that you did.
464
00:18:40,330 --> 00:18:41,581
[ Sighs ]
465
00:18:41,581 --> 00:18:44,914
I feel like an idiot.
I'm sorry.
466
00:18:44,914 --> 00:18:47,297
You know what this is?
467
00:18:47,297 --> 00:18:52,552
This is the very first
claire kyle signature moment.
468
00:18:52,552 --> 00:18:55,555
I taught you well.
469
00:18:57,807 --> 00:19:00,390
Now I'm gonna drive you back
to your car and pick up tony
470
00:19:00,390 --> 00:19:02,522
And try to salvage what's
left of this evening.
471
00:19:02,522 --> 00:19:03,433
Where are you guys going?
472
00:19:03,433 --> 00:19:06,726
I mean...
473
00:19:06,726 --> 00:19:08,188
Have fun!
474
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:10,230
I love you, dad.
475
00:19:10,230 --> 00:19:12,482
Not like I love you.
476
00:19:18,698 --> 00:19:20,370
Dad, have you seen kady?
477
00:19:20,370 --> 00:19:22,202
No, not recently.
478
00:19:22,202 --> 00:19:24,123
I left the garage door open
for two seconds.
479
00:19:24,123 --> 00:19:25,455
I think she might have
got out.
480
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,046
Look, junior, sit down.
481
00:19:27,046 --> 00:19:30,500
There's something I need to tell
you about your sister.
482
00:19:30,500 --> 00:19:31,791
Oh, kady, you're back.
483
00:19:31,791 --> 00:19:34,093
Oh, good girl.
That's a good girl.
484
00:19:34,093 --> 00:19:35,425
That's a --
485
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,387
I'm not a dog.
486
00:19:37,387 --> 00:19:38,468
Oh.
487
00:19:38,468 --> 00:19:41,180
Did you hear that?
Our dog can talk.
488
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,013
A talking dog.
We're rich. We're rich.
489
00:19:44,013 --> 00:19:45,935
What's up?
490
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,106
Ow.
491
00:19:47,106 --> 00:19:50,360
Your sister's not a dog.
She never has been.
492
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:53,653
Never? Not even when
she peed on my leg?
493
00:19:53,653 --> 00:19:54,814
You're an idiot.
494
00:19:54,814 --> 00:19:57,156
Look, we did this
to help you understand
495
00:19:57,156 --> 00:20:00,490
That you need to be more aware
of what you're doing, okay?
496
00:20:00,490 --> 00:20:02,912
Had this happened with
your brand-new baby,
497
00:20:02,912 --> 00:20:04,414
It had been a lot worse.
498
00:20:04,414 --> 00:20:05,955
You got a lot of growing up
to do
499
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:07,997
And you only have a short time
to do it in.
500
00:20:07,997 --> 00:20:09,459
I know what you mean, dad,
501
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:12,632
And I really will try to pay
more attention to stuff.
502
00:20:12,632 --> 00:20:14,594
I do want to be
a good father.
503
00:20:14,594 --> 00:20:16,256
I don't want no dog baby.
504
00:20:17,927 --> 00:20:19,389
Hold on.
505
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,106
Okay, you've missed the point
totally.
506
00:20:27,106 --> 00:20:28,768
No, dad, I think I understand.
507
00:20:28,768 --> 00:20:32,272
I hope that one day I could be
half the father that you are.
508
00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:35,064
Well, you got half the looks
and half the brains,
509
00:20:35,064 --> 00:20:36,356
So you're halfway there.
510
00:20:36,356 --> 00:20:37,987
Thanks, dad.
511
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,529
So you were never a dog?
512
00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:40,740
Oh, look.
513
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:41,821
What?
514
00:20:41,821 --> 00:20:43,363
Ow.
515
00:20:48,247 --> 00:20:50,710
Do you remember what happened
when I read her diary?
516
00:20:50,710 --> 00:20:52,001
What a disaster that was?
517
00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:53,713
We swore we'd never do that
again.
518
00:20:53,713 --> 00:20:55,254
No, you swore.
519
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,637
I was out in the lobby --
520
00:20:57,637 --> 00:20:58,968
No, you swore.
521
00:20:58,968 --> 00:21:01,681
I was out in the lobby.
No.
522
00:21:01,681 --> 00:21:05,224
You swore.
I was out in the lobby --
523
00:21:05,224 --> 00:21:07,767
What am I doing
in a lobby?
524
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:08,768
[ Laughs ]
36681
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