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1
00:00:03,464 --> 00:00:06,177
[ Whistling ]
2
00:00:06,177 --> 00:00:09,050
[ Shaver buzzing ]
3
00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:11,132
What are you doing?
4
00:00:11,132 --> 00:00:13,514
It's a stare-down, baby.
It's a stare-down.
5
00:00:13,514 --> 00:00:16,597
What's a stare-down?
Stay out of it, michael!
6
00:00:16,597 --> 00:00:18,559
It's between
me and the scale,
7
00:00:18,559 --> 00:00:20,901
Otherwise known as
the fat detector.
8
00:00:20,901 --> 00:00:23,644
Oh, yes.
It's weigh day, honey.
9
00:00:23,644 --> 00:00:24,605
What's weigh day?
Whoo.
10
00:00:24,605 --> 00:00:26,197
Weigh day.
11
00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:27,648
Ever since I've been training
for the marathon,
12
00:00:27,648 --> 00:00:29,950
I weigh myself once a week,
and today is the day.
13
00:00:29,950 --> 00:00:31,532
Well, then, hop on.
Let's see what --
14
00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:33,654
No, no, no! No!
15
00:00:33,654 --> 00:00:35,156
Ooh?
No!
16
00:00:35,156 --> 00:00:36,997
You just don't hop on.
17
00:00:36,997 --> 00:00:37,998
I didn't know.
18
00:00:37,998 --> 00:00:39,460
Just wait a minute.
19
00:00:39,460 --> 00:00:41,922
Now, first, you hold
my slippers.
Okay.
20
00:00:41,922 --> 00:00:44,165
Then you get this earring.
21
00:00:44,165 --> 00:00:45,756
Don't forget
your wedding ring.
22
00:00:45,756 --> 00:00:49,670
Oh, that's a good idea
'cause you know...
23
00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:52,803
Okay, well, I'll just deduct
three pounds for that.
24
00:00:52,803 --> 00:00:54,305
Three pounds?
25
00:00:54,305 --> 00:00:56,637
Yeah, that's about
three pounds.
26
00:00:56,637 --> 00:00:59,019
When I bought it, I said, "could
I get that three-pounder?"
27
00:00:59,019 --> 00:01:01,182
Three pounds. That's right.
28
00:01:01,182 --> 00:01:02,773
Oh, you know what?
I almost forgot.
29
00:01:02,773 --> 00:01:04,895
Just move out of my way
for a second, move out.
30
00:01:04,895 --> 00:01:08,609
See, this is gonna help a lot
when i, uh...
31
00:01:08,609 --> 00:01:10,191
Yeah, I'm lighter.
32
00:01:10,191 --> 00:01:12,493
Jay, come on, baby.
What are you doing to yourself?
33
00:01:12,493 --> 00:01:14,074
You look
fantastic already.
34
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,956
Michael, I am running
a marathon.
35
00:01:15,956 --> 00:01:18,499
That's something you just
can't take lightly, honey.
36
00:01:18,499 --> 00:01:21,462
Aw, sure you can!
37
00:01:21,462 --> 00:01:23,334
It's only 26 miles.
38
00:01:23,334 --> 00:01:25,005
You act like it's hard
or something.
39
00:01:25,005 --> 00:01:27,298
And if it's so easy,
why did you back out?
40
00:01:27,298 --> 00:01:29,260
You were supposed to run
it with me.
41
00:01:29,260 --> 00:01:31,672
I didn't back out.
I'm gonna run it with you.
42
00:01:31,672 --> 00:01:32,973
Without training?
43
00:01:32,973 --> 00:01:34,595
Come on, jay,
I'm in great shape.
44
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:36,307
I box, I lift weights.
45
00:01:36,307 --> 00:01:39,310
You've seen me naked.
I only got one bulge.
46
00:01:42,433 --> 00:01:45,396
Besides, men are just more
superior physically.
47
00:01:45,396 --> 00:01:46,897
You know, we're tougher.
48
00:01:46,897 --> 00:01:49,780
Ow! I think I got a nicky.
Am I bleeding?
49
00:01:49,780 --> 00:01:51,282
Get out of here, michael.
50
00:01:51,282 --> 00:01:52,493
Just hold this, okay?
51
00:01:52,493 --> 00:01:53,784
So I could do this, please.
Okay.
52
00:01:53,784 --> 00:01:54,945
Thank you.
53
00:01:54,945 --> 00:01:56,327
You gonna take
your pajamas off?
54
00:01:56,327 --> 00:01:57,698
No. See, see, see?
55
00:01:57,698 --> 00:01:59,290
Now the pajamas weigh
exactly one half pound.
56
00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:01,452
Now, that gives me
psychological edge.
57
00:02:01,452 --> 00:02:04,165
So no matter what the scale
says, I could deduct it, plus --
58
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:06,337
The three pounds.
For the ring.
59
00:02:06,337 --> 00:02:08,209
And the rest of the hair.
That's right.
60
00:02:08,209 --> 00:02:09,880
Right.
61
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,803
Okay, it's time.
It's time.
62
00:02:12,803 --> 00:02:14,425
Let me do this.
63
00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:18,259
Okay, for real, extra air
is weighing me down.
64
00:02:18,259 --> 00:02:20,020
Just back up.
65
00:02:20,020 --> 00:02:21,522
So, what does it say?
66
00:02:21,522 --> 00:02:23,524
Baby, the needle --
the needle is still moving.
67
00:02:23,524 --> 00:02:25,065
Michael, you know what?
Just -- can you --
68
00:02:25,065 --> 00:02:26,817
I'll stand here.
69
00:02:26,817 --> 00:02:28,979
He didn't mean it.
He don't know.
70
00:02:31,402 --> 00:02:33,944
Come on, be the number,
be the number, be the number.
71
00:02:33,944 --> 00:02:36,237
Just a little bit.
Be the number!
72
00:02:36,237 --> 00:02:39,830
Yes! I lost three pounds!
73
00:02:39,830 --> 00:02:42,122
I thought it was 10.
74
00:02:42,122 --> 00:02:44,415
Oh, wait, no, it's three.
75
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,128
Oh.
76
00:02:50,501 --> 00:02:52,002
Would you like something?
77
00:02:52,002 --> 00:02:55,135
We have some honeybuns in here
and also some melons.
78
00:02:56,597 --> 00:02:58,138
Oh.
79
00:02:58,138 --> 00:03:01,802
Uh -- uh, got any milk?
80
00:03:01,802 --> 00:03:03,354
Sure. You want some?
81
00:03:03,354 --> 00:03:05,976
Oh, no.
No, I don't.
82
00:03:05,976 --> 00:03:10,571
Actually, can I --
can I just get some water?
83
00:03:10,571 --> 00:03:13,574
Sure.
Yeah.
84
00:03:13,574 --> 00:03:14,945
Oh.
85
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:17,778
[ Gasps ] I splashed water
all over myself.
86
00:03:17,778 --> 00:03:19,450
Look at me.
I'm all wet.
87
00:03:19,450 --> 00:03:22,122
Haah!
88
00:03:22,122 --> 00:03:24,745
Oh!
89
00:03:24,745 --> 00:03:26,457
Oh. Ah.
90
00:03:26,457 --> 00:03:28,088
What's wrong with you?
91
00:03:28,088 --> 00:03:32,713
Uh, what makes you think,
uh...something's wrong?
92
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,796
Well, you're sweating, and you
keep making that noise.
93
00:03:35,796 --> 00:03:37,968
What noise?
94
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:39,680
This noise --
95
00:03:39,680 --> 00:03:42,303
[ Pants ]
96
00:03:42,303 --> 00:03:43,764
Okay, you know what?
97
00:03:43,764 --> 00:03:46,347
I guess I'd better
come clean, okay?
98
00:03:46,347 --> 00:03:50,561
Uh -- uh, claire,
I'm having a problem.
99
00:03:50,561 --> 00:03:52,563
Oh, what kind of problem?
100
00:03:52,563 --> 00:03:54,815
You.
101
00:03:54,815 --> 00:03:56,857
Me?
What did I do?
102
00:03:56,857 --> 00:03:58,909
You fill me with lust,
claire, okay?
103
00:03:58,909 --> 00:04:01,742
Every minute I'm not with you,
I just can't wait to see you.
104
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,785
And then every time
I'm with you...
105
00:04:04,785 --> 00:04:07,918
Oh, god, I just want
to jump on you.
106
00:04:07,918 --> 00:04:09,460
Well, that's a good thing.
107
00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:13,334
No!
108
00:04:13,334 --> 00:04:14,925
No, no, it's not.
109
00:04:14,925 --> 00:04:17,718
Look -- look, you just don't
understand, okay?
110
00:04:17,718 --> 00:04:19,800
I'm trying.
111
00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:21,722
Look, it's as
simple as this --
112
00:04:21,722 --> 00:04:23,554
"And if your right eye
offends thee,
113
00:04:23,554 --> 00:04:25,806
"Then pluck it out
and cast it from thee,
114
00:04:25,806 --> 00:04:28,599
"For it is more profitable to
have one of thy members perish
115
00:04:28,599 --> 00:04:31,652
And not thy whole body
be cast into hell."
116
00:04:31,652 --> 00:04:33,654
[Sighs] amen.
117
00:04:33,654 --> 00:04:35,776
What?
118
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:37,358
Matthew 5:29?
119
00:04:37,358 --> 00:04:39,239
Oh, boy.
Here we go again.
120
00:04:39,239 --> 00:04:41,952
Look, tony, I respect
your spirituality,
121
00:04:41,952 --> 00:04:44,455
But sometimes you carry it
too far.
122
00:04:44,455 --> 00:04:46,457
Look, I understand that's
your opinion, claire.
123
00:04:46,457 --> 00:04:48,829
But you're wrong, okay?
You can't argue with the bible.
124
00:04:48,829 --> 00:04:51,462
Fine, what am I
supposed to do?
125
00:04:51,462 --> 00:04:53,794
Well, I mean,
you could start...
126
00:04:55,416 --> 00:04:57,628
By being --
127
00:04:57,628 --> 00:05:00,681
You could start by being
a little less sexy.
128
00:05:00,681 --> 00:05:04,134
[ Laughs ]
are you serious?
129
00:05:04,134 --> 00:05:06,186
I'm very serious, claire.
130
00:05:06,186 --> 00:05:08,519
How am I supposed to be
less sexy?
131
00:05:08,519 --> 00:05:09,980
I'm not trying to be sexy.
132
00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:12,983
[ Breathing heavily ]
133
00:05:12,983 --> 00:05:14,605
Oow!
134
00:05:14,605 --> 00:05:15,986
Aah!
135
00:05:15,986 --> 00:05:17,107
What?
136
00:05:17,107 --> 00:05:18,529
You're right, you know.
137
00:05:18,529 --> 00:05:20,441
It's not you,
it's me, okay?
138
00:05:20,441 --> 00:05:24,535
But I just find everything you
do to be so incredibly erotic.
139
00:05:24,535 --> 00:05:26,246
I can't help it
if you're crazy.
140
00:05:26,246 --> 00:05:27,868
Yes, you can, okay?
141
00:05:27,868 --> 00:05:29,159
There are definitely steps
142
00:05:29,159 --> 00:05:30,160
You could take
that would help me.
143
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:31,792
You know I love you, tony.
144
00:05:31,792 --> 00:05:33,714
I'll do anything
to make you happy.
145
00:05:33,714 --> 00:05:35,085
Don't say that!
146
00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:37,458
I'm sorry.
It's just so hard.
147
00:05:37,458 --> 00:05:42,132
Yeah, well, it's getting hard
for me, too.
148
00:05:44,925 --> 00:05:47,888
Okay, now that you're taking
a parenting class,
149
00:05:47,888 --> 00:05:50,681
Kady and I are going to ask you
a series of questions
150
00:05:50,681 --> 00:05:52,393
To see if you're fit
to be a father.
151
00:05:52,393 --> 00:05:54,024
Bring it on.
152
00:05:54,024 --> 00:05:57,237
Number one -- what is
the human gestation period?
153
00:05:57,237 --> 00:05:58,859
About 30 seconds.
154
00:05:58,859 --> 00:06:01,111
Well, at least that's
how long it was for me!
155
00:06:01,111 --> 00:06:03,864
[ Laughs ]
156
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,076
How often should you
feed the baby?
157
00:06:06,076 --> 00:06:08,038
That depends on how big
you want it to get.
158
00:06:08,038 --> 00:06:10,290
Whoa.
Whoa.
159
00:06:12,082 --> 00:06:14,164
How often should you
change the baby?
160
00:06:14,164 --> 00:06:15,956
Whenever you get sick of
smelling it.
161
00:06:15,956 --> 00:06:17,798
Okay, I've heard enough.
162
00:06:17,798 --> 00:06:19,670
So how'd I do?
163
00:06:19,670 --> 00:06:21,632
According to the feldman scale
developed at johns hopkins,
164
00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:23,634
Not only shouldn't
you have children,
165
00:06:23,634 --> 00:06:25,596
You shouldn't have
opposable thumbs.
166
00:06:25,596 --> 00:06:27,638
[ Laughs ]
167
00:06:29,430 --> 00:06:31,271
That would have been funny
168
00:06:31,271 --> 00:06:34,104
If you were smart enough
to understand it.
169
00:06:34,104 --> 00:06:36,146
Does that mean
I'd be a bad dad?
170
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:39,780
No, it means you're
a functional idiot.
171
00:06:39,780 --> 00:06:43,073
Functional! Yes!
I'm functional, yeah!
172
00:06:44,324 --> 00:06:46,987
That's not a good thing.
No?
173
00:06:46,987 --> 00:06:50,290
No, because the emphasis
is on the word "idiot."
174
00:06:50,290 --> 00:06:52,332
[ Sighs ]
so what should I do?
175
00:06:52,332 --> 00:06:55,085
Well, you should pick someone
smart and emulate them.
176
00:06:55,085 --> 00:06:56,917
Okay, who?
177
00:06:56,917 --> 00:07:00,210
Well, I would say me, but let's
lower the bar a little bit.
178
00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:01,712
How about your dad?
179
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:03,884
Ew! I'm not gonna
emulate my dad.
180
00:07:03,884 --> 00:07:05,175
That's disgusting!
181
00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:07,307
Emulate means "to copy."
182
00:07:07,307 --> 00:07:10,891
Oh. Oh, then I emulated all
through high school.
183
00:07:10,891 --> 00:07:13,263
[ Laughs ]
184
00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:18,939
Hey, franklin, just the man
I wanted to see.
185
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,191
Listen, you told me I should eat
for my blood type, right?
186
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:23,614
Then, are nuts
good for me?
187
00:07:23,614 --> 00:07:25,826
Well, you survived
this one!
188
00:07:25,826 --> 00:07:27,658
[ Laughs ]
189
00:07:27,658 --> 00:07:29,409
But, no.
190
00:07:29,409 --> 00:07:31,331
Even though they're
a good source of protein,
191
00:07:31,331 --> 00:07:33,874
They're still too fattening
for someone in training.
192
00:07:33,874 --> 00:07:35,536
Okay, coach.
193
00:07:35,536 --> 00:07:37,878
Mr. Kyle,
you're a lucky man.
194
00:07:37,878 --> 00:07:41,171
Your wife is the most dedicated
athlete I've ever worked with.
195
00:07:41,171 --> 00:07:44,675
Well, thank you, but what
qualifies you to train athletes?
196
00:07:44,675 --> 00:07:46,797
I have a degree
in kinesiology.
197
00:07:46,797 --> 00:07:49,009
Oh, what's that?
The study of the kinees?
198
00:07:49,009 --> 00:07:51,261
Ha, no.
199
00:07:51,261 --> 00:07:53,764
Mr. Kyle, when are you gonna
start your regimen?
200
00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:55,265
I'm already on a regimen.
201
00:07:55,265 --> 00:07:57,808
I'm on the "eat, drink,
and be merry" plan.
202
00:07:57,808 --> 00:08:00,651
That's great if you're training
to be fat albert.
203
00:08:00,651 --> 00:08:04,274
Hey, hey, hey!
[ Laughs ]
204
00:08:04,274 --> 00:08:07,277
Come on, look at me, franklin.
I am ready.
205
00:08:07,277 --> 00:08:10,661
But, mr. Kyle, a marathon is
a test of endurance.
206
00:08:10,661 --> 00:08:14,995
No, it is a test of wills.
207
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:18,669
If you believe in that,
you will lose.
208
00:08:18,669 --> 00:08:20,961
[ Laughs ]
209
00:08:20,961 --> 00:08:25,716
Anyhoo...my point is, without
the right conditioning,
210
00:08:25,716 --> 00:08:28,128
You have no chance
of beating mrs. Kyle.
211
00:08:28,128 --> 00:08:29,469
That is not true.
212
00:08:29,469 --> 00:08:32,262
See, my point is
that superior athletes
213
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,474
Like myself
and michael jordan
214
00:08:34,474 --> 00:08:38,098
Are able to go to a place
deep within themselves
215
00:08:38,098 --> 00:08:39,810
And pull out
that warrior spirit
216
00:08:39,810 --> 00:08:42,232
Which helps them to overcome
every obstacle.
217
00:08:42,232 --> 00:08:43,814
I'm sorry.
218
00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:46,947
My mother won't let me eat
this much bologna.
219
00:08:46,947 --> 00:08:48,528
[ Laughs ]
220
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,612
Tss! I'm on fire today!
221
00:08:53,413 --> 00:08:55,786
[ Knock on door ]
222
00:08:57,708 --> 00:08:58,869
Hey, tony.
223
00:08:58,869 --> 00:09:00,711
Good evening, mr. Kyle.
224
00:09:00,711 --> 00:09:02,252
How are you doing?
Pretty good.
225
00:09:02,252 --> 00:09:03,794
What are you guys
doing tonight?
226
00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:04,925
We're going to
the movies.
227
00:09:04,925 --> 00:09:06,086
Really?
What are you gonna go see?
228
00:09:06,086 --> 00:09:08,468
Oh, we're going to see "bambi."
229
00:09:08,468 --> 00:09:11,842
You're an odd child.
230
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:14,224
Hey, I thought you said
you was going to the movies,
231
00:09:14,224 --> 00:09:17,267
Not the "little house
on the prairie."
232
00:09:17,267 --> 00:09:20,020
Very funny, dad.
233
00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:22,062
What's up with
the moms mabley look?
234
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,354
That's what I was going for.
I'm supporting tony's celibacy.
235
00:09:24,354 --> 00:09:25,485
Ah.
236
00:09:25,485 --> 00:09:26,987
Let's go, tony.
237
00:09:26,987 --> 00:09:28,148
Good night, guys.
238
00:09:28,148 --> 00:09:30,861
Well, I'm off.
Mrs. Kyle?
239
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,402
Yeah, coach?
What's up?
240
00:09:32,402 --> 00:09:34,995
I'll see you at 5:00 a.m.
For our morning run.
241
00:09:34,995 --> 00:09:38,408
Mr. Kyle, you're
welcome to join us.
242
00:09:38,408 --> 00:09:41,291
A-a-a-w, phooey.
243
00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:43,123
I'm gonna lay in my bed.
244
00:09:43,123 --> 00:09:45,205
I'm gonna roll over and eat
pancakes, sausages,
245
00:09:45,205 --> 00:09:48,629
And I'm still gonna beat you
in that race.
246
00:09:48,629 --> 00:09:50,170
In crazy land.
247
00:09:50,170 --> 00:09:54,174
Ha ha ha ha!
I kill myself.
248
00:09:56,717 --> 00:09:58,979
You know what?
I'm about tired of you.
249
00:09:58,979 --> 00:10:00,520
Let's make this
interesting.
250
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,983
Let's put your money
where your mouth is.
251
00:10:02,983 --> 00:10:04,484
Okay, I'll tell you what.
252
00:10:04,484 --> 00:10:07,487
If I win, then I take you
to a restaurant,
253
00:10:07,487 --> 00:10:10,610
And you have to eat spaghetti,
bread, fish sticks,
254
00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:14,114
Fudge sticks, anchovy,
and chocolate souffle.
255
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:17,948
Okay, and if I win,
I get anything I want.
256
00:10:17,948 --> 00:10:19,159
Deal.
257
00:10:19,159 --> 00:10:21,581
Deal.
258
00:10:21,581 --> 00:10:23,874
[ Laughs ]
259
00:10:32,302 --> 00:10:34,214
So when's the marathon?
260
00:10:34,214 --> 00:10:35,886
Oh, that would be
tomorrow, son.
261
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,307
Still feel confident?
262
00:10:37,307 --> 00:10:40,430
[ Chuckles ] extremely.
263
00:10:40,430 --> 00:10:42,813
[ Gulping ]
264
00:10:42,813 --> 00:10:45,355
Dad, don't you think you should
train just a little bit?
265
00:10:45,355 --> 00:10:47,397
I mean, mom's been working out
pretty hard.
266
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,029
Listen to you.
267
00:10:49,029 --> 00:10:50,981
[ Mockingly ] don't you
think you should be training?
268
00:10:50,981 --> 00:10:54,614
I mean, mom is working out
pretty hard.
269
00:10:54,614 --> 00:10:56,777
Well, your mother needs
to work out.
270
00:10:56,777 --> 00:10:59,119
She's all flab and gab
like her mother.
271
00:10:59,119 --> 00:11:01,121
Me -- I'm a machine.
Feel that.
272
00:11:01,121 --> 00:11:03,493
That feel like I need
to do some running?
273
00:11:03,493 --> 00:11:06,496
Your biceps are fine, but you
got little calves, dad.
274
00:11:06,496 --> 00:11:12,002
Yeah, but that's because the
arms are what carry the legs.
275
00:11:12,002 --> 00:11:13,964
But they're still little.
276
00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:16,636
The arms connect.
It's like pinocchio.
277
00:11:16,636 --> 00:11:20,390
You know why he ran away?
Because he had big arms.
278
00:11:20,390 --> 00:11:21,722
Whoo!
279
00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:24,184
Two minutes better
than yesterday.
280
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,356
[ Imitates mickey from "rocky" ]
you're a machine, rock.
281
00:11:26,356 --> 00:11:28,809
You eat lightning
and crap thunder.
282
00:11:28,809 --> 00:11:30,310
That's right.
He's right.
283
00:11:30,310 --> 00:11:32,272
I'm a running machine.
I don't get tired.
284
00:11:32,272 --> 00:11:34,274
Pain is just a word to me.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
285
00:11:34,274 --> 00:11:35,816
Well, don't get too cocky,
rocky,
286
00:11:35,816 --> 00:11:37,657
'Cause tomorrow,
I'm gonna embarrass you.
287
00:11:37,657 --> 00:11:39,740
By the way, would you like
a nice slice of pizza?
288
00:11:39,740 --> 00:11:41,621
No, I don't want
any of that pizza.
289
00:11:41,621 --> 00:11:44,414
I'd much prefer the taste of
victory, thank you very much.
290
00:11:44,414 --> 00:11:45,916
And you're gonna
regret eating that
291
00:11:45,916 --> 00:11:47,748
Because it's gonna weigh
you down like a rock.
292
00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:51,131
See, I'm doing what all great
athletes of my caliber do.
293
00:11:51,131 --> 00:11:52,632
I'm carbo-loading.
294
00:11:52,632 --> 00:11:54,795
That's right.
Carbo-loading.
295
00:11:54,795 --> 00:11:56,296
Loading up the carbs.
296
00:11:56,296 --> 00:11:58,258
That's right,
and after I finish this,
297
00:11:58,258 --> 00:12:00,430
I'm gonna run out and get me
a nice hero sandwich.
298
00:12:00,430 --> 00:12:03,844
Not just any hero,
like superman or spider-man.
299
00:12:03,844 --> 00:12:07,147
This right here, right there --
that's sandwich man.
300
00:12:07,147 --> 00:12:09,729
Yeah, and after
I finish the sandwich,
301
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,731
I'm gonna go out and get me
a nice chocolate milkshake
302
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:13,443
And wash it down.
303
00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:16,116
♪ Oh, shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake, shake ♪
304
00:12:16,116 --> 00:12:19,119
♪ Shake your milkshake,
oh, shake your milkshake ♪
305
00:12:19,119 --> 00:12:22,742
Boy, you better get your little
narrow behind off me.
306
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,826
Go ahead, michael.
Have another slice of pizza.
307
00:12:25,826 --> 00:12:28,498
Top off your tank.
You're gonna need it.
308
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,791
I don't mind if I do.
Watch this.
309
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:33,964
Ew! Ew! Ew! Yuck.
310
00:12:35,175 --> 00:12:37,377
This is gonna be so easy.
311
00:12:37,377 --> 00:12:38,758
[ Imitating mickey from
"rocky" ] come on, rock.
312
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,430
You hit the showers.
Okay.
313
00:12:40,430 --> 00:12:43,934
I'll get some milk and cookies
and take a nice, long nap.
314
00:12:43,934 --> 00:12:46,186
All right, all right.
Here we go!
315
00:12:46,186 --> 00:12:48,849
Mom does look pretty good.
316
00:12:48,849 --> 00:12:50,891
Oh, I'm scared.
I'm shaking.
317
00:12:50,891 --> 00:12:53,483
♪ Shake, shake, shake,
shake, shake, shake ♪
318
00:12:53,483 --> 00:12:56,656
♪ Shake your milkshake,
oh, shake your milkshake ♪
319
00:13:01,992 --> 00:13:04,114
That's perfect.
That's perfect.
320
00:13:04,114 --> 00:13:05,745
I'm cured.
321
00:13:05,745 --> 00:13:07,497
Tony --
don't look at me!
322
00:13:07,497 --> 00:13:09,830
Oh, god.
You ruined it.
323
00:13:09,830 --> 00:13:11,581
I can see your eyes,
and you know what they're doing?
324
00:13:11,581 --> 00:13:13,213
They're tempting me.
You know what they're saying?
325
00:13:13,213 --> 00:13:15,375
They're saying, "hey, you
wanna take a peek, big boy?"
326
00:13:15,375 --> 00:13:16,796
Okay, I give up.
327
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:19,129
What can I do
to turn you off?
328
00:13:19,129 --> 00:13:21,381
Oh, god, you are so beautiful
without your veil.
329
00:13:21,381 --> 00:13:22,722
Oh...
330
00:13:22,722 --> 00:13:24,224
Stop it!
You're acting like an idiot!
331
00:13:24,224 --> 00:13:26,766
I love it when you're angry.
Oh!
332
00:13:26,766 --> 00:13:28,348
If you don't knock it off,
I'm gonna get
333
00:13:28,348 --> 00:13:29,479
Really angry and slap you.
334
00:13:29,479 --> 00:13:30,560
No, that'd be physical contact.
335
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,642
I could not handle that now.
336
00:13:32,642 --> 00:13:35,565
I might explode.
Oh!
337
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,237
You've lost your mind, tony.
338
00:13:37,237 --> 00:13:38,568
You know what?
339
00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:39,699
I don't think
I can see you anymore
340
00:13:39,699 --> 00:13:41,071
Until you come
to your senses.
341
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:42,282
Okay, you know what?
342
00:13:42,282 --> 00:13:44,154
I have got
one last idea, okay?
343
00:13:44,154 --> 00:13:47,747
Look, here.
Here, put these on, okay?
344
00:13:53,453 --> 00:13:55,956
Oy vey, you're hot!
345
00:13:55,956 --> 00:13:56,957
Oh!
346
00:13:56,957 --> 00:13:58,458
Oh!
347
00:13:58,458 --> 00:14:00,510
Okay, that's not working,
either.
348
00:14:00,510 --> 00:14:02,342
Okay, you know what?
I'm fine.
349
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:04,594
I am just not gonna look at you.
Not gonna look at you.
350
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:07,427
Yeah, see, this is working.
Okay.
351
00:14:07,427 --> 00:14:10,140
Oh.
352
00:14:10,140 --> 00:14:12,352
Oh, god, I can smell you.
353
00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:13,473
That's it, get out, tony.
Get out.
354
00:14:13,473 --> 00:14:15,235
That's physical contact!
355
00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:17,317
Oh! Oh! Don't touch me --
don't touch me!
356
00:14:19,779 --> 00:14:22,782
I can still smell you.
357
00:14:32,622 --> 00:14:35,085
[ Grunts ]
358
00:14:38,708 --> 00:14:41,211
You know, jay, it's not too late
for you to bail out.
359
00:14:41,211 --> 00:14:43,133
What are you talking about?
360
00:14:43,133 --> 00:14:45,505
I'm talking about you could save
yourself some embarrassment.
361
00:14:45,505 --> 00:14:47,347
We could just go home
and make love.
362
00:14:47,347 --> 00:14:50,390
Sound a little nervous,
pizza boy.
363
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,352
No, I feel stronger
than ever, jay.
364
00:14:52,352 --> 00:14:54,724
In fact, I got this thing
already in the bag.
365
00:14:54,724 --> 00:14:56,356
You just
don't know it yet.
366
00:14:56,356 --> 00:14:58,608
Announcer:
your attention please.
367
00:14:58,608 --> 00:15:00,570
The race will begin
in 30 seconds.
368
00:15:00,570 --> 00:15:03,113
I'm gonna go stand over there
with them kenyan brothers.
369
00:15:03,113 --> 00:15:04,864
Hey, matumbo,
hold my spot!
370
00:15:04,864 --> 00:15:06,866
[ Imitating swahili ]
371
00:15:09,029 --> 00:15:10,870
[ Speaking swahili ]
372
00:15:12,742 --> 00:15:14,744
Good luck.
373
00:15:14,744 --> 00:15:16,296
[ Imitating swahili ]
374
00:15:21,381 --> 00:15:23,423
[ Starting pistol shoots ]
375
00:15:27,307 --> 00:15:29,469
[ Crowd cheering ]
376
00:15:54,124 --> 00:15:55,955
[ Panting ]
377
00:16:54,264 --> 00:16:57,437
[ Whistling ]
378
00:17:02,902 --> 00:17:04,314
What?
379
00:17:04,314 --> 00:17:07,147
You're amazing,
that's all.
380
00:17:07,147 --> 00:17:08,908
What do you mean?
381
00:17:08,908 --> 00:17:10,240
What do I mean?
382
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:12,952
You know, I passed you
a mile into the race,
383
00:17:12,952 --> 00:17:15,155
And you were huffing
and puffing.
384
00:17:15,155 --> 00:17:18,618
And then, yet, yet...
There you were at the finish
385
00:17:18,618 --> 00:17:21,621
Just stronger than ever.
386
00:17:21,621 --> 00:17:23,963
That was the rope a dope.
387
00:17:23,963 --> 00:17:25,295
You fell for that?
388
00:17:25,295 --> 00:17:27,507
Jay, that was all
part of the plan.
389
00:17:27,507 --> 00:17:29,969
What I did was I laid there,
and I played possum,
390
00:17:29,969 --> 00:17:32,342
And I let everybody just
sprint past me.
391
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:35,305
And then when my carbs kicked
in, I shot out of there.
392
00:17:35,305 --> 00:17:37,227
Yeah, I'm running like that.
393
00:17:38,938 --> 00:17:41,351
You are a cheater.
394
00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:44,394
Ouch.
395
00:17:44,394 --> 00:17:47,357
It hurts me to my heart
396
00:17:47,357 --> 00:17:51,781
That you would reduce my
accomplishment to ch--
397
00:17:51,781 --> 00:17:54,033
I can't even say it!
398
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:57,197
I will say it for you.
Cheater, cheater, cheater!
399
00:17:57,197 --> 00:17:58,458
And I want you
to stand right here
400
00:17:58,458 --> 00:18:00,330
And you tell me
how you did it.
401
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:04,874
I should not even dignify
that...
402
00:18:04,874 --> 00:18:07,257
With a response,
403
00:18:07,257 --> 00:18:09,799
But if you have to know,
brown eyes...
404
00:18:11,171 --> 00:18:13,883
I took the carbs.
405
00:18:13,883 --> 00:18:17,217
Are you gonna start lying to me
at this point in our marriage?
406
00:18:17,217 --> 00:18:18,808
Is that what
you're gonna do?
407
00:18:18,808 --> 00:18:21,060
I'm not lying.
I told you, I took the carbs.
408
00:18:21,060 --> 00:18:25,315
What kind of carbs?
409
00:18:25,315 --> 00:18:26,486
A taxi carb.
410
00:18:26,486 --> 00:18:28,568
I knew it! I knew it!
Michael, ooh!
411
00:18:28,568 --> 00:18:30,990
I knew you could not beat me
fair and square!
412
00:18:30,990 --> 00:18:32,732
I knew it, michael!
413
00:18:32,732 --> 00:18:34,154
Look, in my defense, jay...
414
00:18:34,154 --> 00:18:36,115
I can't believe you.
I only took the cab
415
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,409
For 25.9.5 of the miles.
416
00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:41,161
The rest of it, I ran.
417
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:42,832
I can't believe you cheated.
418
00:18:42,832 --> 00:18:44,584
Michael, you are a cheater.
419
00:18:44,584 --> 00:18:46,085
You cheater.
Baby, don't.
420
00:18:46,085 --> 00:18:48,208
That's an ugly word.
It's ugly.
421
00:18:48,208 --> 00:18:50,550
It's a no-no.
422
00:18:50,550 --> 00:18:52,672
Okay, I'm sorry,
all right?
423
00:18:52,672 --> 00:18:56,716
My pride wouldn't let me lose,
and my legs wouldn't let me win.
424
00:18:56,716 --> 00:18:59,309
You deserve an apology.
425
00:18:59,309 --> 00:19:00,970
I'm sorry.
426
00:19:00,970 --> 00:19:03,933
I mean, I had no idea how much
work you had to put in
427
00:19:03,933 --> 00:19:06,976
To get in the condition that
you're in to run that race.
428
00:19:06,976 --> 00:19:08,358
Really?
Baby...
429
00:19:08,358 --> 00:19:09,819
You're
an amazing woman --
430
00:19:09,819 --> 00:19:12,111
That focus and discipline.
431
00:19:12,111 --> 00:19:15,235
You know, when I was in the cab
and I looked out...
432
00:19:17,036 --> 00:19:21,951
I told the driver,
"slow down, habib, slow down.
433
00:19:21,951 --> 00:19:24,664
That's my wife right there."
434
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,786
You know what he said?
435
00:19:26,786 --> 00:19:31,170
[ Middle eastern accent ]
he said, "she certainly
is beautiful.
436
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:35,345
She has two humps
just like a camel."
437
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:38,388
And I said,
"yep, that's my wife."
438
00:19:38,388 --> 00:19:40,300
So technically,
you know what?
439
00:19:40,300 --> 00:19:42,101
I'm calling off
the whole bet.
440
00:19:42,101 --> 00:19:43,563
Baby, you'd do that for me?
441
00:19:43,563 --> 00:19:45,895
I'd do it for us, jay.
442
00:19:45,895 --> 00:19:47,647
[ Chuckles ]
you know?
443
00:19:47,647 --> 00:19:49,188
You're not buying it.
444
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,070
Not at all.
Mnh-mnh, nope, not buying it.
445
00:19:51,070 --> 00:19:52,902
Okay, so I won.
446
00:19:52,902 --> 00:19:54,984
As I recall, I can have
anything I want.
447
00:19:54,984 --> 00:19:56,776
Is that right? Is that right?
What? What? What?
448
00:19:56,776 --> 00:19:58,868
Within reason,
within reason.
All right.
449
00:19:58,868 --> 00:20:01,531
Let's be reasonable.
450
00:20:01,531 --> 00:20:06,286
I want my husband...
451
00:20:06,286 --> 00:20:09,589
To be my training partner next
year in the race.
452
00:20:09,589 --> 00:20:12,292
We run together
side by side,
453
00:20:12,292 --> 00:20:14,384
The way we were supposed
to this year.
454
00:20:14,384 --> 00:20:16,135
Deal?
455
00:20:16,135 --> 00:20:18,388
Okay, a deal's a deal.
Deal?
456
00:20:18,388 --> 00:20:20,800
Mm-hmm. Can we shake on it?
Yeah.
457
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,142
♪ Shake, shake, shake ♪
come on.
458
00:20:23,142 --> 00:20:24,844
Do I have to?
Yes.
459
00:20:24,844 --> 00:20:26,306
♪ Shake that booty, ow ♪
460
00:20:26,306 --> 00:20:29,349
♪ Shake that booty, ow ♪
461
00:20:31,941 --> 00:20:34,484
Okay, I've thought about it
and thought about it, tony,
462
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:36,025
And this is
the best solution.
463
00:20:36,025 --> 00:20:37,657
I tried covering up,
and that didn't work.
464
00:20:37,657 --> 00:20:39,028
So what we're gonna do
465
00:20:39,028 --> 00:20:41,160
Is build up your
tolerance for looking at me.
466
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:43,122
I want you to stare at me
until you're bored.
467
00:20:43,122 --> 00:20:44,163
Ready?
468
00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:49,289
[ Gasping ]
469
00:20:58,468 --> 00:21:01,220
[ Panting ]
470
00:21:01,220 --> 00:21:02,221
Hi, tony.
471
00:21:02,221 --> 00:21:03,933
Aah!
472
00:21:21,110 --> 00:21:24,073
Look, I'm sorry, okay?
473
00:21:24,073 --> 00:21:26,366
My pride wouldn't let me lose,
and my ego wouldn't let me win.
474
00:21:26,366 --> 00:21:30,289
[ Laughter ]
475
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,372
Okay, I'm sorry.
476
00:21:32,372 --> 00:21:36,416
My pride wouldn't let me win,
and my ego wouldn't let me lose,
477
00:21:36,416 --> 00:21:39,048
And nothing is
making sense here.
478
00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:40,089
[ Laughs ]
34097
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