Original subtitles

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm!

This food was excellent.

See, junior, this is what life is all about --

Having a woman that knows how to make her man

Feel like the king of his castle.

And it's not over yet, your highness.

I have peach cobbler and vanilla ice cream.

Uh-oh!

Whoa.

Hold on one second. I do not trust this cobbler.

What is the matter? What?

No, no, no, no.

It smells [sniffs] like a price to pay.

You remember the last time you made it?

You tried to get me to donate a kidney to your uncle leon.

Michael, that was pure coincidence.

Come on. Stop being paranoid.

You sure?

Yes, of course I am sure.

You positive? Yes!

♪ Then bring on the cobbler, give me the cobbler ♪

Mmm, mom, this is delicious.

Yeah. Amen to that.

Hey, guys, guess what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna go back to college.

I knew it!

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

Michael!

Wait. I knew it!

Michael!

I was really hoping that you wouldn't react this way.

Jay, what is wrong with you?

Every three months or so,

You feel compelled to make my life a living hell.

Now, all of the sudden, out of the clear blue sky,

You decide to go back to college again.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Not out of the clear blue sky, michael.

It actually occurred to me last night

At that stupid cocktail party

When you introduced me as "just your wife."

Oh, jay, I thought we've been through this drama before.

You said you was fulfilled taking care of me and the kids

And bookkeeping at the office part time.

You know, as thrilling as all that is, michael,

And believe me, I get all woozy and lightheaded

From the pure excitement of it all,

It's not enough.

I need to do something that's just for me.

Me?

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

That's all you can think about is "me."

What about me, jay? Huh?

What am I supposed to do while you're off playing felicity?

I'm not going to school at night, michael.

I can still take care of things around here.

You know what, this is not what I signed up for.

We cannot have a happy marriage

When two people are living separate lives.

You know, why do you always go through

These huge exaggerations?

Everything is black and white with you.

There are no gray areas.

Oh, I see gray, jay.

I see a couple patches up in your head.

And you might want to think about that

Before you go off playing teenager again.

You know what, the bottom line is

You can't go back because I forbid it.

What?

Yeah. You know why?

You see, I had ambitions, too, jay.

I wanted to run the high hurdles.

But then I met you, and I decided to have a family,

So I gave that up.

No, you didn't it.

You gave it up because you were born with a club foot.

And that, too.

But my point is...

You can't go back to college because that ship has sailed.

That's your attitude on this? That's my attitude.

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Fine!

Fine infin-n-n-n-ity.

Look at him.

Now, that's a hard worker right there.

I know. He's making me sweat.

[ Laughs ] me too.

Well, unlike you, my brother, we gonna pull out early.

Yes.

[ Door opens ]

Hey, miss kyle. You need some help with that?

Jay: yeah.

Go help your mother!

Oh, thank you.

Mom, what it this?

Baby, this is your old crib.

I saved it all these years.

I'm gonna give it to you and vanessa as a gift.

Dang, look at all these teeth marks.

What'd y'all used to keep in here -- pit bulls?

[ Laughs ]

You guys, do you have anybody else that you can go annoy?

Steve's gonna be home soon.

No -- craig. His mom just went food-shopping.

Oh, my god. I'm so famished.

Okay, go. Bye!

Bye, guys!

Crazies.

So, are you and dad still fighting?

You know, junior, your father's a stubborn man.

After you finish restoring that car,

You can start restoring your father.

Look, I usually don't get involved in these things,

And you can tell me it's none of my business,

But I think you going back to school is a good thing.

Wow, junior, that is the first time

You ever expressed an opinion about what I do,

Other than complaining I'm too tough on you.

But I see it as a very positive thing.

You know, it sets a good example for us kids.

I don't see why dad is so opposed to it.

Why don't you tell that to your father?

Hmm. You see the hook? See that?

Yeah, I remember the hook.

Yeah, that's a target.

That's pretty big.

Yeah, dad's quick. Mm-hmm.

But...i'm very happy for you, mom.

Thank you, baby.

Oh, hi, honey.

[ Door closes ]

I hope those books are for the kids

Because I know you're not disregarding

The law I laid down in this house.

No, actually these are my psychology books.

I start school on monday.

So monday's doomsday in our marriage.

Hmm? Monday is the armageddon of our relationship.

Monday is the nuclear holocaust of our nuclear family.

You know, why do you go through these exaggerations, michael?

Come on. Don't ruin this for me, please!

Okay.

Where are you going?

Well, obviously, I didn't get my point across with you.

So, since I can't communicate with you,

I'm calling the shrink.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Brother.

We don't go see dr. Mason

Unless there's something wrong with you.

Well, you just said there's something wrong with me.

Yeah, but we ought to be --

We ough-- stop.

We ought to be --

Now!

We ought to be able to work this out

Without bringing a third party in, babe.

Come on.

Aha!

Now I know I'm right.

Because you're saying all the little things I say

When I know I'm wrong!

See, I'm calling dr. Mason.

Unless...

You're scared...

Sister.

N-no.

I'm not scared...

'Cause I know I'm right.

Well, let's let the good dr. Mason

Decide who's right...

And who's wrong.

[ Laughs ]

Michael, you're wrong!

Yes! Yes!

But not for the reasons you think, jay.

I'm not siding with you. I never take sides.

Because I'm not your friend.

I'm just here to help.

So then how am I wrong?

You say that you're opposed to jay going back to school

Because it would take her away

From her responsibilities as a wife and a mother.

That's right. That's wrong.

The truth of the matter is you feel threatened.

Now, michael, I know about your inner child.

He's scared, confused, and afraid of abandonment.

He's probably remembering the times

That he was locked in the closet

Of that cold, one-bedroom apartment in cleveland,

Begging mama not to leave him again.

"Mama, don't..."

Only to have her return days later in a drunken stupor

With another strange man who hated that little boy

And kept saying, "I'm not your friend!

I'm not your friend!" Dr. Mason! Dr. Mason!

My point being...

The idea of your wife

Having a life that doesn't revolve around you

Scares the hell out of you.

You don't want to be left behind.

That's deep. That's deep right there.

That's deep nonsense.

The simple fact of the matter is

If she doesn't do what she's supposed to do,

Then stuff doesn't get done,

And the thing we call family breaks down.

He doesn't think that I can do both.

You can't.

But you don't know that for a fact.

But what I do know for a fact...

...is you're a crackpot,

And I'm sick and tired of spending $200 an hour

To be told that I'm wrong.

Michael, I don't see why you're acting like this.

This was your idea to come here.

Yeah, well, now it's my idea to leave.

You two chat amongst yourselves.

Because right now, "I'm not your friend!"

Mom, I love this new lipstick.

It's a great color for me. Don't you think?

You know, claire, when a person becomes self-absorbed

And overly concerned with their appearance,

It usually means they're hiding something.

It says so right here in this book --

That they really hate themselves.

It's that self-loathing

That leads to destructive relationships,

Depression, alcoholism, drug abuse,

And eventually suicide.

But that is a pretty color on you.

[ Sobbing ]

What? I said it was pretty.

♪ Love is kind of crazy with a spooky little girl like jay ♪

Hey, dad.

Oh, hey, baby. You want to play piano with me?

I'm not sure I can.

Why not?

'Cause mom says I've got a.d.d.

She diagnosed me.

That's why I'm desperate for attention,

And I want to stay a little girl

Even though I'm moving rapidly towards my teenage years...

And eventually, suicide.

Come here.

I don't want to hear you talk like that.

Have you ever heard

"A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing"?

Sure I did.

That's what it said under junior's picture

In his yearbook.

[ Laughs ]

Yeah, that, too.

But it's also a description of your mom right now.

See, she's got a little bit of knowledge,

So she's overanalyzing everything.

So I don't have a.d.d.?

Yes, you do.

And that stands for "a dear dad" that loves you.

[ Scoffs ]

You're just saying that because mom says

That you're symbiotically attached to me.

Jay!

Jay!

Tell me what you see.

Okay, I got it. All right. Okay.

I see the light that shines in every human being --

The luminous tendrils

That connect you to the well of spirits

In the dark pieta of the universe.

Wrong. It's a squirrel.

Oh, right! It is a squirrel. I can see it now.

There's a furry little tail -- that's the head.

That's what I said.

Jay, we need to talk.

Not now, michael.

I'm trying to help junior with his bipolar schizophrenia.

Yeah, mom's doing a psychological profile of me.

Hey, dad, what does this look like to you?

I don't know.

The luminous tendrils that connect you

To the well of spirits

In the dark pieta of the universe?

Or a squirrel.

Michael, you're interrupting us. Please.

No, I'm not interrupting, jay. I'm stopping this.

You got everybody in this house thinking they're crazy.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go check on my other personalities.

I told you you was crazy.

I ain't crazy.

Yes, you is.

You see this, jay?

You got everybody thinking there's something wrong

With them, and I don't like it.

My, my, my, we're being passive-aggressive, aren't we?

No, we're being active-aggressive.

This has got to stop.

You just don't want me to go to school, michael.

No, you can go to school, jay. I changed my mind about that.

But go to school for something

That's gonna benefit our relationship.

Why don't you get your master's in sex?

That way, I can be behind you the whole way.

Why do you always reduce everything to sex?

Why is that, michael?

Did your gym teacher touch you

While you were climbing the rope?

You know what, jay?

I don't want to get caught up in your psychobabble, okay?

And mr. Grabbins was just trying to help me pass the test.

He said it was our little secret.

Yes, now we're getting somewhere.

Michael, I need for you to trust me.

Because I can help you get over this hump.

You never get over the hump, jay.

My point is, michael,

Everybody in this house has some serious psychological issues

That they're in denial about.

You know what? The thing --

You'd go that low?

[ Piano music plays ]

No, no, no! No, no, no!

You call yourself a pianist?

I played it flawlessly. What am I missing?

Missing pizzazz, kid.

You're missing a certain je-ne-sais-quoi.

You're missing -- you need more -- more...

Fromage.

Cheese?

Yes, there's not enough cheese in your play.

Here, let me show you. Scoot over, scoot over.

Let me show you how to -- ahh.

[ Sighs ]

[ Plays off-key ]

[ Sniffling, crying ]

[ Sighs ]

That was certainly cheesy.

I don't think I'll ever be able to do that.

Oh, sure, you will.

Anyhoo...

You have a doctorate in psychology, don't you?

Yeah, two of them. Why?

Well, jay has started a course in psychology,

And she's driving everybody around here crazy.

Ooh...classic delusions of grandeur.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is.

There's nothing worse than an amateur shrink.

You know, when my uncle thaddeus was in med school,

He misdiagnosed me with a.d.d., Ocd, and o.p.p.

[ Laughs ]

The last one's a joke. Remember?

♪ You down with o.p.p. ♪

♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

♪ You down with o.p.p. ♪

♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

♪ You down with o.p.p. ♪

♪ Yeah, you know me ♪

Joke's over.

Sorry.

Here's what I think you should do.

You have anything to write down notes with?

Yeah, right here.

The first thing you should do

Is take a more aggressive position.

"A more aggressive position."

[ Knock on door ]

Junior, I --

[ Grunts ] hey, mom.

Junior, what happened to the crib?

I don't know.

I was just looking for it. It's not under the car.

Okay, just let's back up for a second.

The crib doesn't have legs. When's the last time you saw it?

The last time I remember seeing it

Was when I showed it to john and mike.

Well, those two are knuckleheads,

But I don't see why they would steal a crib.

[ Horn honks ]

Oh, my god!

Oh, yeah. You know it's time, miss kyle.

And check out the rims, man. They spin.

Oh, my god. They're still spinning.

Good heavens. I'm getting nauseous.

Wow!

What did you do to my baby's crib?

It's cool, miss kyle.

We were just trying to give it some extra flavor.

You know, hook it up.

Miss kyle, this crib is going to be on "cribs."

Oh, yeah, it does so many things,

Junior won't even have to watch the baby.

[ Motor whirs ]

Hey!

Oh, dear, I'm not trying to hurt him.

I'm not trying to hurt him!

I don't know why mom's going back to school.

I can't wait to get out.

I think it's good for her.

I don't. I think she's going through some midlife crisis.

Why do you say that?

This morning,

I caught her trying to squeeze into my "juicy" sweat pants.

She could hardly get them past her knees,

But when she finally did,

The letter "j" popped off and flew out the window.

[ Laughs ]

Hey, you guys! I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had study group with all the other kids,

And we just lost track of time.

Other kids? Yeah!

Oh, the other kids have a nickname for me already.

They call me "uicy."

"What's up, uicy?" "What's up, uicy?" Ahh!

Why?

Junior, come on.

Obviously, it's because I see things so clearly.

Oh, my gosh. Do you know it, guys?

Oh.

Well, well, well. If it isn't old school.

[ Dopey voice ] you're crazy.

Look at this place.

Michael, don't start, okay?

Look, jay, I got to start.

Look at this house. It's in shambles.

Michael, I'm so tired. Please!

Are you too tired to help me out with a psychological problem

That I'm having?

Wait, no, that's right up my alley.

I'd love to help.

I have this employee

That's exhibiting some very destructive behavior.

Go on, go on.

Yeah, I made a list.

See, here's some of the things she's doing.

She's self-absorbed, too judgmental,

And overly analytical.

Mnh-mnh. You know what?

From what you're telling me,

I believe that she is suffering from

"Delusions of grandeur..." Right.

"Bordering megalomania." Bordering megalomania.

Yes, yes!

So how do I confront her?

Well, you just can't confront her directly. No?

No, she'll get all defensive and stuff.

You got to let her see it in herself.

What if I've done all that?

What if I've exhausted every psychological ploy,

And it's still not working?

What do I do then?

Sometimes, michael,

You just got to grab them by the shoulders... Mm-hmm.

Look them lovingly in the eye...

Then shake them real hard and say,

"Hey! You're acting like a nut!"

Like that.

That's what it says in the book, too.

And that works? Yeah, oh, yeah.

[ Laughs ] thank you, baby.

You're welcome, babe.

Hey, you're acting like a nut!

Michael richard kyle,

I can't believe you tricked me like that!

Actually, it was franklin's idea.

What the hell does franklin know?

Both of his books of been widely discredited.

What happened to "j"?

Nothing happened to jay, baby!

She's still the same person. She's just smarter!

No, I'm talking about the "j" on your behind.

What?

[ Gasps ] oh!

What kind of foolishness?

Be careful with that "u." It's hanging on for dear life.

"Uicy"!

Hey, wake up, felicity.

Dissociative disorder... Is more common in...

Jay, jay -- we need to talk.

No, I need to finish this.

No, you can finish this in the morning.

This is much more important.

I am so tired of arguing.

Okay.

Then let's really talk this time.

I'm unhappy.

So what should we do about it?

[ Sighs ] you got to help me help us.

I mean, there's got to be a way to fix this.

Well, I suppose I have possibly bit off

A little bit more than I could chew.

A little bit? Okay, a lot.

Okay, I'm happy to hear you say that.

Now, I suppose that I haven't done

All that I could to help out around here.

I could absolutely put my dishes in the dishwasher,

And junior could pick up clothes around the house,

And it's about time that claire and kady

Start earning their keep around here.

Wait. Why the change of heart, michael?

It's simple.

I love "uicy."

Okay, well... I'm sorry, okay?

I just -- babe, I got so excited

About all the stuff that I was learning

That I couldn't wait to come home and try it out on somebody.

I don't think you've done any permanent damage.

Yeah.

Now, listen, I'm not gonna pretend

That I like you going back to school.

But if you'll promise you'll stop analyzing everyone,

I think I can learn to live with it.

I just decided I'm gonna scale back my classes, go part time.

It doesn't matter how long it takes for me

To get my degree, right?

It's a deal.

It's a deal. Ohh, that was great!

You gave a little. I gave a little.

Speaking of giving a little. I got something for you.

[ Gasps ] oh, baby!

Where did you find it?

It was on our neighbor's roof.

Okay.

Hey.

What?

Now we both got our "j" back.

Yeah.

God, I hate these stupid functions.

Yeah, me too, but this is the way I keep up my contacts

In the business world.

Yeah, but why do I have to be here, michael?

This is all about you.

I have to be perceived as a -- what was it?

Man: a stable, well-rounded...

I can always refer to my script.

Ha ha! Ah ha!