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[ Horn honks ]

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Do you want
to get out of here?

Check!

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[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you!

Thank you so much.

You guys...

Wow.

I hope you guys are ready
to have the best night.

This is...
We're making history.

This is gonna, I hope,
be one of the best nights

of our whole lives, honestly.

I am so proud that he agreed
to let me produce

his special and be involved.

He's one of my favorite
all-time comedians.

Give it up for Mr. Sam Morril!

[ Cheers and applause ]

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Ahh.

Wow.

Uh, I deserve that.
You're right.

This is a weird time
to be a comedian.

I don't know if you've been
following entertainment,

but it is a bad time
to be a predator.

Has anyone been paying
attention to that?

We're losing, like,
three actors a day.

I feel like I'm gonna see

the new "Avengers" movie
next, and you're like,

"Why is everyone being played
by Paul Giamatti?"

They're like,
"He's the only one left."

It feels like a dark time.

I saw a baby in the coffee
shop the other day.

He was wearing a T-shirt
that said, "I love life."

I was like, "You'll
grow out of it."

It gets shittier.

I like babies, but you know
what's better than a baby

by a little, is not having
a fucking baby...

by this much.

I get drunk a lot.

I sleep in.

I confidently walk back
to overheated cars.

It's a good life.

My sister calls her baby
a miracle,

and I play along,
but it's a bit much.

Miracle?

We never call adults miracles.

We're doing way cooler shit.

There are no babies
that can dunk.

Just have a baby.
We're like, "It's a miracle."

Then it grows up,
and we're like, "Never mind."

Two people fucked.
It's not miraculous.

Winning the lottery,
that's a miracle.

You'd never win the Mega
Millions jackpot and be like,

"Should we keep it?"

Mm-hmm. Right.

My niece is always crying.

I'm trying to make her laugh,
and my sister is like,

"You got to let her cry because
she's at that age now that,

if you interrupt,
she becomes dependent,"

so that's strange
that we do that to babies.

You can't even do
that to adults.

If you came to my apartment,

and my girlfriend was
hysterically crying,

I can't be like, "It's cool.
I'm training her."

"We're gonna nip this
in the bud early on

because I don't
like her feelings."

She just got a vibrator, my
girlfriend, not my baby niece.

She got a vibrator, and I got
an Xbox, so it is over.

I'm playing NBA2K.

She's playing with herself,
but, either way,

we're both thinking
about LeBron.

You women are amazing,
though, you know?

You know why?

Because you can fake an orgasm,
but you can't fake a good mood.

I mean, that's...

You can tell me
I'm the best you've ever had,

but you can't muster up
one smile at a family picnic?

I mean, where are those "Oh,
my Gods" when I need them?

My ex was cool.

Every time we'd have sex,
she'd say, "You made me cum,"

which I, you know,
thought was flattering.

I'm not doing that much.

We'd be having sex.

She'd be like, "I'm about to
cum," and I'd be like, "Cool."

Then she'd be like,
"Stay completely still,"

and I'd be like, "All right."

Then she'd be like,
"You just made me cum,"

and I'd be like,
"Are you sure?"

I feel like I played dead
with an erection.

That's why I ask if I made
you cum, made you cum.

I thought I went to
the barbershop, and I'm like,

"Can you hold the buzzer
completely still?"

"You're the best
I've ever had.

Also, you just made me cum,
so..."

Here's a barber tip.

Whatever barber you go to,

that is, whatever music
they're playing,

that's the haircut
you're gonna get.

Armenian hip-hop.

This is a weird area
to do my special

because this is, like,
I'm seeing, like,

the hipster dads in this area,

you know, like, the skinny-jean-
wearing disciplinarian.

I saw a dad, and he was
yelling at his son.

He was like, "Simon,"
and I turned around

because it's a stupid
fucking name.

He's like, "Simon, if
you keep this up,

you're not gonna get
any more smoothie."

That's the punishment now,
apparently.

I thought we used to beat
the shit out of kids,

but, apparently, Mango Madness
is where we're at, so...

And me and my friend
just laughed in his face,

and he turned to us.

He goes, "Why don't you two mind
your own fucking business?"

I was like, "Or what? We're not
gonna get any more smoothie?"

I'll fight you, dude, but, if
I win, I'm taking that smoothie,

and I'm gonna drink it
in front of Simon.

I feel bad for these kids.

We tell kids they could be
whatever they want,

and then we don't
give them the odds,

which, you know, if I have
a kid, I'm gonna be honest.

If he's like, "Daddy,
can I play in the NBA?"

I'm gonna be, like,
"Statistically, it's possible,

but let's take a look
at this chart."

"I've taken the liberty of
factoring in your size and race.

It doesn't look good.

You're a tiny Jew.
That's why we named you TJ."

I'm a Jew.

I'm a New York Jew.

I complain a lot.

I'm in therapy.

I'm the type of Jew that,
if you don't like Jewish people,

I'm not the one that's gonna
turn things around for you.

You're gonna meet me
and be like,

"Still a big thumbs down, nah."

I read about anti-Semitism,
but I've never experienced

the anti-Semitism
I've read about.

I've lived in New York
my whole life.

This is the worst
anti-Semitic moment I ever had.

I was doing a road
gig in Colorado,

and I pulled over to get a
seltzer water at a gas station.

I asked this woman.

I was like, "Do you
have any seltzer?"

And she goes,
"We don't carry seltzer,"

and that's as bad as it's been.
But...

Her tone was hurtful, and I've
lived here so long that I...

It's just any time I hear
anti-Semitism at all,

I'm like, "Us? I thought
everyone loved us."

Even when Charlottesville
happened, they were like,

"The Jews will not replace us."

I was like, "We're not."

I don't know if you know
any Jewish people.

None of us are gunning to be
a gas-station attendant, so...

Mm.

You should be worried
about robots.

You know, they're the ones
taking the shitty jobs.

You'll never hear this --

"I lost my job
at the gas station."

"What happened?"
"Josh Rabinowitz."

They're taking our jobs.

Racism, it must be
a learned behavior, right,

because you never meet,
like, a racist baby,

though I would love to,

just a itsy-bitsy,
teeny-weeny racist.

"What were his first words?"

"We'd rather not say,
and, for the record,

they were taken
out of context, okay?"

Babies look racist,
though, right?

They're skinheads.
They're not educated.

They're cranky, and they don't
have any teeth, so...

I was watching this
documentary on the KKK.

They all support Jesus.

Did you know that?
I didn't know that.

A dark-skinned Jew,
that's who they went with.

It seems like an odd choice.

It almost feels like
someone in the Klan

is just fucking with them.
You know?

It's like, "You know
who else is cool?

Lenny Kravitz."

"Those are our people."

My friend is a Christian.

He wears the cross everywhere,
which I get it,

but it is a strange memory
to think about all the time.

It's not a happy memory.

I know that's your guy,
but he's seen better days.

That's like if I walked
around everywhere

in a Michael Jordan
Wizards jersey.

"I guess, but he was better
before that.

You don't remember?"

"I choose to remember him
suffering."

I'm in therapy, obviously,

and I see a therapist
who sees a few other comedians.

I know comics who go to
the same therapist as me.

I was in the waiting
room the other day,

and I actually heard
my therapist laugh

through the door,

and I was like, "Ugh. I got
to bring it again this week."

"I've been playing
the hits nonstop

for this dude, you know?"

I was complaining about
a relationship I was in,

and he said, "Yes. You tend
to pursue damaged people

and then try to help them,"
and I was like, "You, too."

We both do that,
unfortunately, you know?

I'm not good at relationships.

They're so hard, you know?

Every woman I date tries
to change me.

You know that Billy Joel song, I
love you "Just the Way You Are"?

A woman would never write
a song like that.

If Billy Joel were a woman,
that song would be called,

"You Are My Project,

and We'll See Where This Goes."

Stop trying to change me.

She's like, "I'm not
trying to change you.

I'm trying to improve you."

You know what having
a girlfriend feels like to me?

You know that thing
in your iPhone

that's always asking
if you want an update?

That's what it feels
like the entire time,

just constant, "Hey.
Do you want to get better?"

All day, I'm like,
"Remind me later."

I'm happy with my current
operating system, so...

They made it harder. I think,
like, the dating websites

made it harder for how we,

you know, communicate because,
even on first dates now,

it's like, "What kind of music
do you like?"

but it doesn't
really matter.

Right?
You can coexist with someone

that has different
musical tastes.

This is my new
first-date question.

This is what I ask
on every first date --

"How likely are you
to yell at me in public?"

That one is going
to come in handy.

You don't want to be
in that relationship.

Eight months in,
you're getting screamed at

in front of strangers.

You're like, "It's cool. We both
like Chance the Rapper, so..."

I had another breakup,
and she broke up with me

and then asked me
to take her back,

and then, curveball,
broke up with me again.

That kind of feels like you're
in a plane that's going down,

and then, somehow,
you land safely,

and then you die
in the cab ride home.

You're dead in the end.

And then she texts every day,
"I miss you," and I'd be like,

"Well that is part
of the breakup.

We're not gonna
hang out as often."

I didn't know I had to
explain that part.

I thought that was
self-explanatory,

but thank God jobs
don't work that way.

Can you imagine getting fired?

Then, 2 weeks later,
your boss is like, "I'm sad."

"Mm. I'm glad you're sad. I hope
your whole company collapses."

You know what a good thing about
a breakup is you really learn

to truly appreciate rap lyrics.
I didn't used to get it.

You know, and back in the day,
I'd hear it.

I'd be like, "You know what?

That's a bit
of a generalization,"

but then you get dumped.

You're like, "It's true.
These hos are not loyal.

I know."

I went to the gym today.

I was listening to the Jay-Z
album, the newer one,

and I listen to rap the way
it was meant to be listened to,

by a pale Jew
on an elliptical.

I like that album, that new one

where he talks
about saving money.

There's a whole track
about investing money.

That's, like, the whole song.

He's like, "This is
where I save."

Rappers are living longer now,
so, you know,

you didn't hear songs
like that 15 years ago, right?

Back in the day, he was like,
"Big pimping, spending G's."

Now he's like, "You got to make
your money work for you."

"Are you motherfuckers familiar
with long-term growth?

Then drop a beat."

He cheated on Beyoncé
and then wrote a song about it,

two things we'll never do,
none of us.

I was in a relationship
2 1/2 years,

and I never cheated
once, not once.

I'm on the road all the time.

People are like,
"What's your secret?

How do you stay
faithful on the road?"

This is my secret.
I'll tell you.

Two and a half years,
never cheated once, my secret --

Not one woman tried to fuck me.

I mean, thank you.

Thank you.

Am I a hero?
Yes. I am.

I'd be alone on a plane.

Beautiful women
walking towards me.

I'd be like, "This chick better
not sit next to me."

She'd sit next to me.

We wouldn't speak
the entire flight.

I'd be like,
"That was a close call."

I mean, I'm an amazing person.

Then your friends pressure you
to get on these dating apps.

They're very intimidating.

Sometimes the pictures don't
even match the occupation.

Just, like, a gorgeous
woman bent over

with her finger in her mouth,
and you're like,

"St. Jude's
Children's Hospital?

If you say so.

I'm just worried about
the children at this point,

you know?"

One of my friends was like,

"I got this dating site
for you."

He comes over.
It's a prison dating site.

Incarcerated women
was his suggestion,

and we laughed for
like 5 minutes, but,
then, like, minute 6,

"There's some
attractive women here."

But then it shows you the crimes
they commit, and you're like,

"Double homicide is probably
a bad idea, you know?"

But they have actual profiles.

One of them actually said,
"I love the outdoors."

You're like, "Yeah.
I mean, obviously."

"I mean, it turns out
you like money laundering

a bit more, unfortunately,
but..."

I'm wearing condoms again.

Yeah.
I'm wearing condoms again.

It's the end of an era.

It's not that bad.
Guys complain about condoms.

You know what wearing
a condom is like?

You ever go to
a basketball court,

and there's no net,
and you're like,

"I mean, I guess
I'll play, but..."

The whole time, you're like,
"Did that even go in?"

I was with a woman
the other night.

She asked me not
to wear a condom.

I've never had that before.

She's like, "I'd rather
you didn't wear a condom."

I was like, "I'm going
to wear the condom, so..."

She's like,
"Please don't wear it."

I'm like, "I'm wearing it.
I've made my choice.

I'm gonna wear it."

She said, "I'd prefer if you
didn't wear the condom."

I was like, "Wearing it.

Can't believe we're having
this discussion,

and I can't believe which side
I'm on, to be honest."

And she goes, "Why?"

"Why? Because, based on this,

I don't think you're going
to be a good mother."

She slept over.
That's a weird one.

She spent the night.

A one-night stand
spending the night is,

like, I mean, that's like
if you ordered in food,

and the delivery guy stayed
while you ate it.

And, you know, I'm trying
to be a better person.

I quit watching porn.

I cut back, and...

I do a double-browser system.

I do the work browser
and the other,

so Safari thinks
I'm a good person,

but Firefox is like,
"Dude, what the fuck?"

I'm like, "Well, you don't
even want to know

what I'm doing
to Google Chrome, so..."

I find porn to be less offensive
than a lot of women's magazines,

you know, because at least
porn is body-positive.

There's fat and old porn.

There's no fat and old "Cosmo."

Every women's magazine is like,

"How to shed that
last 10 pounds."

Meanwhile, porn is like,
"You're perfect,

and we have a category
for you right here."

You're not fat in porn.

You're a big, beautiful woman,

a BBW, if you will.

You're not old.

You're mature.

You're not covered in semen.

You're getting a facial.

It's like a day at the spa.

I'm glad that joke went over
because, if it didn't,

this next one would be
a real uphill battle,

so...

one time my ex asked me
to finish on her face.

There's no clean way
to say that.

I tried to think of something.
It just doesn't work.

She asked me.

She's like, "I think we should
try if you finish on my face,"

and I said, "I don't think
it's a good idea,"

and she was like, "Please."

I might have doctored
this conversation,

but...

she was like, "Please," and
I was like, "Oh. All right."

I did it, and,
the second I did it,

we both had a moment
where we were like,

"We are not these types
of people at all."

"I am in way over my head here.

This is not good."

I felt terrible.

I got her a hot towel, some
cream, some sliced cucumbers.

I gave her an actual facial.

That's how bad I felt, you know?

I played some Enya.

Remember Enya, anyone?

That's a -- It's a weird feeling

because
your only way of finding out

you're not that type of person
is to put it into practice.

It's hard-core.
I'm not that hard-core.

It's like when you're young and
you, like, think you could join

a gang, and they're like,
"You're not one of us."

You're like, "I feel like
I could be."

They're like,
"You're not one of us,"

and then, finally,
they let you in,

and they light someone on fire,
and you're like,

"You guys were right.

I'm gonna go get a smoothie.

This is..."

I'm not into celebrity
sex tapes, too.

They creep me out.

Like, when the Hulk Hogan
sex tape dropped, my friend...

I said "dropped" like
it was a fucking album.

When the Hulk Hogan
sex tape dropped,

we all remember where we were.

It was right after
Yeezy's album.

But my friend sent me
that sex tape,

and I was like, "I don't."

He's like, "It's funny."

I was like,
"Not my type of humor.

I do a lot dry witticisms.

I don't really do
the ex-wrestlers fucking."

I knew too much about the story.

Like, I knew that
some woman allegedly

extorted money from him

and that she couldn't
get any money,

and then he won all this money,
so I knew the story.

I knew that she
fucked Hulk Hogan

and then got outsmarted
by Hulk Hogan.

It's not a feel-good
story at all.

I don't even know what
you would do after that.

I guess you pretend
you're dating.

"What's this new guy look like?"

"Well, he's horseshoe bald,
but, also,

he's got a mullet
at the same time."

"Interesting combo."

"Yeah, but he's shredded.
He's in great shape."

"Oh. So he's young?"

"I think he's, like, 85,

but a young 85."

"Oh. He's older.
Does he dress well?"

"Only spandex."

"Okay. Well, at least
no one knows you fucked him."

"Going to stop you again here.

My life is a disaster."

I'm at a good age, sexually.

I get in that, like, things
I didn't used to get.

Cunnilingus, all in, love it,
it's a good time.

Back in the day,
when I was young,

I did it because I was like,
"This is what men do."

Now I'm older.
It's like Scotch.

I'm like, "It's actually
quite nice."

One time I was
going down on my ex.

I was, like, really...

You have, like, a realization
that you enjoy it.

You know, I was getting
really into it,

and I stopped in the middle.

I was like, "Man, I love eating
vagina," and she was like,

"Cool. In the future,
could you say my vagina?"

It is a fair edit.

When you've been with
someone a couple years,

you show some brand loyalty.

That's what I say.

You could get throat cancer
from cunnilingus.

Did you know that?
Yeah.

All the women are turning
to their boyfriends right now.

"That's not true.
That's not.

It's just not," but...No.

I read that, and maybe you guys
don't all get your news

from brobible.net,

but it's one of the most

trusted medical journals
in America, and...

But if that is true, then,
I mean, you lived a good life.

Right? I mean, if you did it
enough to kill you...

...you went out like
a fucking G,

as in generous.

No one is saying a bad word
at that funeral.

"He was a giving man.

He didn't speak much,

but he was quite good
at breathing underwater."

I like older women, I think,
you know, like, more mature.

You know,
I've always liked that.

My therapist will say,

"You have unresolved issues
with your mother."

That always silences a room
nice and quiet,

but, I mean,
like, similar values.

The haircut is a coincidence,

but then my mom
meets these women.

Every time, my mom is like,
"I don't like her."

I'm like, "Yeah. Of course not.
She's a younger you.

That's why you don't like her."

Then my dad meets her, and he's
like, "I think she's great."

I'm like, "You sick fuck."

I like curvy, you know,
like voluptuous.

I don't know why my hand
is doing that,

but I don't know
why it did this shit.

That was creepy as hell.

That's how it started
for Weinstein,

and who knows where it ends?

Curvy, I liked voluptuous.

I don't know who came up with
the stick-thin model look,

probably the fashion industry,

which means mostly
homosexual men.

Right? Gay guys are like,
"These are the hot chicks,"

and straight guys are like,
"If you say so, but..."

I mean, I'll fuck most of them,
but I'm not happy about it.

Why did gay guys get to choose
who the hot women are?

That's if, like, straight guys
got to decide

which is the best
Broadway show.

Like, "All right. And the Tony
goes to 'Rocky' again."

My ex's best friend
was a gay guy.

I loved the guy, you know,
because he's protective.

He did activities with her
I didn't want to do,

and he did not want
to have sex with her,

so it's a very good
deal for me, honestly.

I get her anniversary gifts.

I'll be like,
"Honey, two tickets to Bieber.

You and Mateo are going
to have so much fun."

I'm not going to that bullshit.

We all have a little gay in us.

We do.
I don't know if you know this.

Every straight guy,
when we pee urinal to urinal,

we do look at the other
one's penis,

so I hope that's true.

It's my hypothesis portion
of the show.

I could be wrong, but, if I'm
wrong, I don't want to be right.

I'll tell you that much.

I've been on the road a lot.

I've been to some
real dumps lately.

Reno, Nevada...

shithole.

I did a casino there for a week.

That sentence keeps getting
sadder as it goes along,

a casino in Reno.

If you ever want to see
fake tits and an oxygen tank

on the same person,
book a ticket.

It's happening.

It's a joke, guys.

It's a lovely city if you hate
teeth and can't afford Vegas.

It's a...

I was in Montreal.

That's a good city.

You guys like Montreal?

That's a good...
You know what they do?

They try to make you go
to their strip clubs

the second you get there.

Maybe I'm hanging with
different people than you guys,

but they're like, "You should go
to these strip clubs."

I was like, "I'm not.
I'm not gonna go."

They were like, "You should go."
I was like, "I'm not going.

Those girls are victims
of sexual abuse,

and, also,
it's too much money, so..."

That's my stance.

I could have just said the first
part and said, maybe, like,

"I'm not gonna take advantage
of some girl's

fucked-up childhood,
not at those prices."

You want me to confront
an ugly truth,

you better give me a bargain.

That's all I'm saying.

I was in Montreal.

I was going through customs,
and they speak

a little differently, so, like,
one of them was like,

"Have you ever been
arrested or handcuffed?"

And I was, like, I mean,
two different questions.

Arrested or handcuffed?

That's kind of being, like,

have you ever had
a prostate exam

or a finger in the butt?

I just say "yes," because,
you know, I'm health conscious

but open-minded, and...

Everything is self-service now
when you go to these airports.

You know, I've been flying
so much and, like, LaGuardia,

that's where I fly out of.

I went to get a coffee there,
and I was like,

"Can I have a coffee?"

The guy is like, "Yeah. You pour
it yourself over there,"

and I was like, "Okay."
So I pour it, and I go to pay.

I was like, "Can I
have this coffee?"

He's like, "You pay with that
other guy over there."

I was like, "All right."
So I walked over.

I was like, "Can I have
this coffee?"

And he was just like,
"Oh, yeah. It's self scan.

You do it yourself,"

and I was like,
"Why are all of you here?"

And then there was a tip jar,
and I thought I did a good job,

so I took a $5 bill
on the way out

because, you know...

I earned it.

I fly almost exclusively Delta
because of the Biscoff cookie.

I'm an adult,
and I've made my choice.

It's a fucking awesome cookie.

You may...You grow up, and you
realize what cookies you like.

I never thought biscotti
was gonna be in the cards,

but comeback victory for
biscotti, delicious cookie,

so pretentious, but so yummy.

I feel like Chips Ahoy looks
at biscotti like, "All right.

Dude, we get it.
You studied abroad. Eh."

And biscotti is like,
"I did Prague. I did Madrid.

I've seen a lot of shit,
to be honest, so..."

Delta took away 20,000

of my hard-earned road
comedian airline miles.

This happened 6 years ago,
but I'm not over it,

and I called to complain,

and this woman picks up
the phone, and she just goes,

"Oh. We don't do this anymore."

I was like, "You don't do what?"

She's like, "We don't do
complaints anymore."

"Pardon me?"

She's like, "Yeah. You can
e-mail our complaint division,

but it takes, like, 6 months,"

and I was like,
"That's ridiculous."

Then she said, "Also,
your mother is a cunt."

I'm paraphrasing, but that's
how her words made me feel,

you know.

I can say whatever I want
as long as it's how I feel.

That's what my therapist
Alan says.

So I get transferred
to my next rep.

She's even worse.

She said, "Well, your miles
are from 2010.

We didn't start keeping track
till 2011, so sorray."

Yeah, she said, "Sorray"
with an A, Y.

That's the least
sincere apology of all.

You would never go
to a funeral, "Sorray."

And if you do, that's
the murderer right there --

"Sorray for your loss."

"Are you?"

So I said, "This isn't fair."

She said, "Well, I don't know
what to tell you."

I said, "I feel like you're
being kind of condescending."

She said, "Oh, am I?"

"Yeah, you're talking
down to me."

She said, "Oh, well."

I'm not proud
of what I said next.

It was a little subtle.

I said, "I hope that
you die in a fire."

True story --
She hung up on me.

Look, I overstepped a little.

Rude customer service,
hour-plus hold time,

fiery death
may be a little extreme.

I should've gone with moderate
form of cancer for my insult,

you know?

You guys can pull back here,
but I'm gonna power through

because I believe in myself.

I'm talking treatable
stage I cancer,

and then she shows up at the
hospital, and they're like,

"There's nothing we can do.

Your insurance ran out
in 2010, so sorray."

I mean...
when the cancer joke hits,

we are in for a pretty good
second half, I would say.

I mean, this is good news.

So I go to, like, all these
cities all over the country.

Some of them, you go to
some sensitive places.

I was in Portland,
very sensitive people.

I think it's the lack
of protein.

And I walked in this
comedy club.

This guy was like, "I got
the three hot girls in.

You owe me big-time."

I was like,
"Thank you very much."

He said, "Yup, takes a woman
like me to get those

hot chicks in."

And he had a 5:00
shadow like me.

I was like, "You're a guy,
though, right?"

And he was like, "Excuse me?"

And I was like, "Aw, shit.
You're not a man?"

He's like, "You can't tell me
how I identify."

And I said, "I'm sorry.
I made a mistake."

He goes, "Fuck you.
You made a mistake."

And I said, "I can clearly see
that you're a woman now

because you're furious at me,
and I have no idea why."

And then he forgave me,
so probably was a man.

That one takes a second to see
if you agree with it first

because we are in Brooklyn.

I did a Caitlyn Jenner joke
on "The Late Show" with Colbert,

and I got a nasty
e-mail about it.

They're like, "You don't get it.
You're a straight white man.

Caitlyn Jenner has had it hard."

Has she?

Caitlyn Jenner has never
worked a day in her life.

She's been coasting off
of Bruce's success

her entire existence.

I mean...that guy
trained hard every day.

Bruce Jenner -- American hero.

Caitlyn Jenner --
gold-digging whore.

I don't know if Caitlyn
kept the penis or not.

I don't know.

I feel like you'd be
better off without it.

The penis is just an
inconsiderate body part,

isn't it?
It really is.

If it was your friend,
it would be your worst friend.

There's no worse friend
than penis --

an opportunist,
a social climber.

During my breakup, I was
crying during my breakup,

and I hugged her goodbye,
and I got hard.

That's how little
your penis cares.

Up here, it's the worst
moment of my life.

Down here, my dick is like,
"Dude, one for the road.

I mean, let's get the band
back together,

one more job."

The female anatomy
is so much more complex.

I mean, you have to find
the clitoris.

The penis just shows up,
sometimes uninvited.

If they were toys, I would say
the penis, pogo stick, you know,

simple, unpretentious.

You take one look
at a pogo stick.

You're like,
"I could figure that out."

You go up and down and you're
like, "That's pretty much it,

actually."

The vagina,
Rubik's Cube all day.

You could play with it your
whole life and still be like,

"I have no idea.
I don't know.

Only Asian boys can crack
that code, you know?"

The penis, well,
it starts a pogo stick.

It ends up a Slinky,
flaccid, sad-looking,

trying to escape
down the staircase.

Most women I know,
they look at sex differently.

Most women I know, they look at
sex like buying a car, be like,

"Can I see myself
in this long-term?

Is it safe? Is it reliable?
Could it kill me?"

Most guys, you know, they look
at sex like parking a car.

We're like, "There's a spot."

"There's another spot."

"Oh, I have to pay?
Never mind."

"Handicapped?
Hope no one sees this."

I'm trying to be better,
you know?

I'm an atheist.

But then you ever meet, like,
a hard-core atheist,

and you're like,
"Well, I'm not that."

I was talking to this guy.
He's like,

"You could dig up my body
after I'm dead and fuck it.

I don't give a shit.

There's no afterlife."

You could also not
believe in God

and hope that someone
doesn't defile your corpse.

That's the camp I'm in.

I'm like, "Probably not,
but come on.

That seems a bit extreme."

I guess he's, like,
a hard-core atheist.

He's a drug dealer.
He lives at home.

He's like, "I don't
believe in God."

I'm like, "I don't think
God believes in you."

I'm trying to be better.

I got rejected from the Big
Brother program.

True story, I'm not just
making that up to sound cool.

They gave me a hard no.

I made it to the third round.

It's hard to get into,
but I made it to the...

First two rounds, I killed.
They loved me.

Round three, they got
a little more tight,

and this woman was like,

"What's a bad example
of a Big Brother?"

And I thought she would
laugh, so I was like,

"You mean like
a child molester?"

And she did not laugh at all.

She said, "We were looking for,
like, impatient."

I don't know. I thought we were
playing high stakes.

I'm sorry.

She's like, "What are you
gonna bring

to the Big Brother program?"

And I said, "Patience.

That's the opposite
of pedophilia,

the willingness to wait."

I took a depression test
online the other day,

which I think
means I have it.

I think that's the test.

They're like, "You're here?
Yeah, it's not..."

Question one was, "Do you
give up on things too easily?"

And I was like,
"That's enough for today.

We gave it a shot.

And I don't think I have it."

You ever get sucked into that,
like, YouTube comment wormhole?

I don't know why I've never done
that and felt good about life.

I've never been like,
"Wow, we are gonna be

all right after all," afterward.

I was watching
this YouTube video.

It was, like, a Ted
talk on grief.

I've got to read you this quote.

It said, "I lost my parents in a
car crash a couple years ago.

Last year, I lost my wife
to lung cancer.

Recently, I lost my sister
to breast cancer.

When the tsunamis
of grief wash over me,

I have to stop
everything I'm doing

and take a deep breath.

Soon, it dissipates and begins
to melt away like snow."

The comment underneath it said,
"Shut up, bitch."

If you asked me to define
the Internet, that's it --

Sad meets mean.

That's all you're gonna find,
pathetic and terrible.

I do kind of like "Shut up,
bitch," though.

It's so final.

If someone says, "Shut up,
bitch," you're shutting up.

I mean, it's good.

I disagree with the intent, but
the word choice is economical.

Once a year, I'll get
into it with a troll.

That's like my Mardi Gras.

I'll really, like,
I'll let it fly, you know?

Like, I'll look,
but I'm also like,

I mean, I'm not gonna
get involved or engaged,

but once in a while, it is fun.

Last year...

And don't pretend to act like
you're a great person here.

We're all mortified by this,

but remember the baby
that got eaten

by the alligator at Disney?

We can all agree it's a tragedy.

Comedy Central wanted me
to say that.

I think it's kind of funny,
but...

That's a joke.
It's a tragedy.

I'm kidding, guys, but no.

It's a terrible thing
that happened,

and I'm going to tell a joke.

I'm not just reporting
sad fucking news.

So the baby got eaten
by the alligator at Disney.

Is that where we left off?

And it's a tragic thing,
and I was like,

"That's terrible,"
and then two weeks went by,

and I was like, "All right.
It's time.

It's time.

Of course it's terrible,
but let me fucking try."

And I went on stage that night
at the Comedy Cellar,

and I said, "I don't mean
to come off like a gun nut.

I just think if that baby
was carrying a weapon,

he'd still be with us.
That's how I feel."

Not a great joke,
but it's timely.

And there's a woman in the front
row, and she just goes, "No."

And I was like "What?"

She's like, "You can't
joke about that,"

which guarantees I will continue
to keep joking about it.

If you know anything about
comedians, that's all we need.

And she's like, "No, you can't."

So I'm like, "Did you even watch
the baby's funeral on TV?"

Which it wasn't on TV.

They don't televise
baby funerals,

but it is a pilot
I'm thinking of pitching.

"Coming this fall to MTV
after 'Teen Mom.'"

But it kind of escalated.

I was like, "Did you even see
the baby's funeral on TV?"

And she said, "No, I guess
I haven't seen

the baby's funeral on TV."

And I said, "Well, if you did,
you would've seen the mother

come on through tears and say,
'See you later, alligator,'"

which...

She gets up and walks out.

Her husband stays put, which is
how you know it's a good joke.

And there's a part of me
that is excited by this

because I know I'm the subject
of conversation

in the car ride home.

You know that she's like,
"He was terrible,"

and the husband is like,

"I thought he had some
good stuff, you know?"

"I thought he was bringing it
tonight, you know?"

So they e-mailed
the Comedy Cellar, my home club,

and the Comedy Cellar
forwards me the e-mail,

"Ha ha ha" with
11 exclamation points.

I counted.
I did count,

and I will now read you
the best e-mail

I ever got in my life.

Here's how it opens --
"Okay, you want blunt?

I'll be blunt."

So you know some
bad shit is coming.

It's never like,
"You want blunt?

Wonderful evening.
Thank you."

"A disgusting person,
Sam Morril, took the stage

and spent the first few
minutes of his act

disrespecting
the 2-year-old child

who was murdered by
the alligator at Disney."

I'm gonna say it.

"Murdered" is a strange word
choice to use here, you know?

That makes it sound like
the alligator was paid to do it,

then afterwards
he went to a pay phone

and was like, "It's done."

And then he belched
and ran away in a trenchcoat.

"I have never in my life
been so offended

and repulsed by someone.

I immediately left and stopped
to tell your staff why."

This is my favorite part.

"They followed me to make sure
my drinks were being paid."

I mean, it's just so wonderfully
condescending that she's like,

"I'm furious,"
and they're like, "Mm-hmm.

Those Coronas
weren't free.

Sorray."

I should say that the comic
before me on this show,

friend of mine,
she made, like, six

Holocaust jokes, and this woman
wasn't bothered by any of them.

She didn't even mention them
in the e-mail.

She's acting like
they didn't even happen.

I mean, some would call her
a denier, but, you know...

Thank you.
Thank you.

"I would expect all human beings
would be offended

by a sicko making jokes about a
2-year-old baby's tragic death,

saying his mother probably said,
'Later, gator' at his funeral."

I mean, even in text form,
it kind of holds up, you know?

Is it the gift
that keeps on giving?

Yes, it is.

This is a woman who's trying
to get me fired over

"Later, gator,"
a play on words,

which to me is
a bit of a crock, honestly.
[croc]

It really is.

No.

"I have posted about this

on every social media account
I own."

She sounds fun.

"I've asked everyone
I know to share it.

The comedian himself
replied to me to say,

'Pretty strong act, huh?'"

I did do that.
That is true.

If you troll me, I will
occasionally troll back.

I'm hosting this sports show,

and I basically
got media trained

because I think they saw me
as a "liability," and...

Their words...but they were
reading some tweets.

I don't know if you've
ever heard a gray-haired person

read your Twitter.

It is enlightening
to say the least.

One of the tweets they actually
read out loud was,

"Someone tweeted
at you here, Sam,

that your comedy is a waste,
and you replied,

'Your father's jizz
was a waste.'"

I'm like, "So you want me
to keep doing that or no?"

She ends it by saying,
"What a complete

and utter pathetic
excuse for a human.

He doesn't deserve
to breathe the same air

or live on the same planet

as that precious
little boy's family.

He can go fly a kite!"

Which that last part,
it always gets me.

I would love to fly a kite.

It sounds like a pleasant
recreational activity.

Kite-flying?

She's very tightly wound.

She could use a vacation.
I'm thinking Disney, but...

The owner of the club
is a very good guy.

I like him a lot,
and he e-mailed this woman.

He said, "We feel bad you had
a rough night here.

We'd like to make it up to you

and maybe comp you and
your husband for a night out,"

and I hope they accept,

and I think it'd be
a great idea for them

to rebook me for the gig.

Nothing would make me happier.

They're sitting there like,
"Finally we can take our mind

of that awful, awful man."

"Your first comic coming to the
stage, Sam 'The Gator' Morill!"

I was just doing a gig
at a mall in Albany.

I'm not bragging, but, look,

when you dream big,
things happen in this career.

You'll someday perform
next to a Cinnabon.

I was doing a gig, and there
was a kid in the crowd.

I was like, "You're too young
to be at my show."

And he goes, "I'm 22."

And I said, "There's no
way that you're 22.

Someone put a spell
on you if you're 22."

And he said, "Here's
my driver's license."

I was like, "Wow, you're 22.

You're the youngest-looking
22-year-old I've ever seen.

You're, like, a pedophile's
dream. That's crazy, you know?"

And, yeah, okay here.

In Albany, it crushed.

They loved it.

It was to the point that
it was hard for me to follow.

Like, they started screaming
"Pedophile's dream"

throughout the show.

It became a thing.
I'm not bragging, again,

but after the show,
he comes up to me.

He goes, "You got to take
a picture with me

and post it to Facebook,

hashtag PedophilesDream."

And I was like,
"Hey, yeah, let's do it. Sure."

So I did it,
and the next morning,

I got a very concerned phone
call from my mother.

She was like, "What the fuck
is wrong with you?

Why would you do that?"

My mom's friend comments
on all my Facebook posts, too.

He comments on,
like, every joke.

He's like, "Not funny."

Every joke,
"Not amusing at all."

So I posted this picture,
and he writes underneath,

"Pedophilia jokes are not funny
under any circumstance."

My friend comments underneath,
"Shut up, bitch."

This guy gets me.

I'm glad I'm doing
this special in New York.

It's home.

It's very much a love-hate
relationship.

That was what we call...

That's what we call a cheap
applause break in the biz.

Praise the city you're in.

No, I love it here,

but I do take the subway
home every night,

and I see some weird shit.

Sometimes you see the people
come on with the music,

and I'm always like,
"Please, I'm hung over.

This is so inconsiderate."

I was on.

This guy was like, "All right.
Now all the women join in."

He actually said that
in the middle of a song,

and a couple women joined in.

They must have been
tourists or something,

and he said, "All right.
Now all the Jews."

And none of us joined in at all
because it sounded like a trap.

You can't be that specific.

It sounds suspicious.

You can't be like, "All right.
Now all the Mexicans.

All right. Now all
the undocumented Mexicans."

The best one is, this guy
comes on the other day.

He's singing about
how homeless he is,

and he had a beautiful voice,
so we all really went with it.

We were all like,
"Wow, this is amazing,"

you know,
and we all gave him money.

Then he got off, and then
another homeless guy came on,

and we all at the same time
were like,

"You came at a very bad time."

"I mean, the last guy
really dazzled us,"

and I'm not gonna lie.

There's a bit of
a disappointment, you know?

That's how tough this city is.

You can't just be homeless.

You got to have a thing.

It's like, "Homeless."

I'm like, "Yeah,
but what's your hook?"

It makes you very cynical.

I feel like an "America's
Got Talent" judge every time

I see a hobo.
They come on.

They're like, "I'm homeless.
I don't have any money."

I'm like, "Mm-hmm. And what will
you be performing this evening?"

I'm not making fun of you.

I've been on "America's
Got Talent."

I lost to a mime, so I'm not
getting cocky up here.

Believe me.

And he was a good mime,
but he was still a fucking mime.

It still hurts.

A very talented mime
named Tape Face.

And you guessed it.

He had tape over his face,
and my mom called me afterwards.

She was like,
"You had our vote,"

and I was like, "I figured."

That'd be pretty messed up
if she was like,

"Look, you're our son,
and we love you,

but Tape Face is the shit.

Man, he really spoke to us."

Sometimes
I'll see a crazy person,

so I go to the next
subway car to get away,

and I see an even crazier person
on the next subway car,

and I'm like, "I think
I left a religious freak

for a public masturbator.

Bad trade."

This guy was touching himself
underneath his pants.

He's looking at my
girlfriend at the time.

She turned to me.

She's like, "You're just
gonna let him do that?"

I was like, "You want me
to interrupt this guy?

I don't think blueballing this
lunatic would be my solution."

She's like, "Maybe you
should fight him."

I was like, "Yeah, I don't want
to get hit with that hand.

I could beat
the shit out of him.

He touches me once,
I lose the fight."

That's a difficult
situation to be in.

She's like, "You're just
gonna let him do that?"

She pushed me up.
I had to get in his face.

I was like, "Excuse me, sir."

I don't know why I'm calling him
sir. His dick is out.

It's like, "Sir, you got to stop
touching yourself

like that to my girlfriend."

He said, "I'm not touching
myself like that

to your girlfriend.
I was doing it to you."

I was like, "Uh, you're just
gonna let him do that?"

You ever get so drunk
that you pee on the street?

Yeah?

No, just me?
All right.

I was peeing on the street
the other night.

I was hammered, and this cop
walked up to me.

He's like, "You are not
seriously peeing on the street."

And I was like, "No,
I'm doing it ironically,"

and he handcuffed me
while my dick was out,

which that makes it look like
I committed a way worse crime.

This is the drunkest
I've ever been.

You ever get so drunk
that you lose all your friends?

I don't mean forever.

I mean, for the night,
but it feels like that.

I was so drunk I was yelling
at the coat check

to serve me a beer,
and he was like,

"I only have jackets."

I'm like, "I feel like
you're lying to me right now.

Just get me a Bud Light.
Don't be a dick."

This happened...I was probably
19 when this happened.

I was in New Orleans.
I was walking down the street.

I was very drunk.

This guy was like, "Do you
want a hit of this blunt?"

And I said, "Yes, I do."

And the second I took a hit,
these two cops slammed me

and these two strangers
against the wall.

They handcuff the three of us.

This cop looks deep
into my eyes.

He goes, "You seem very drunk."

And I look back, and then I go,
"I'm fucked up."

He was like,
"How much did you have?"

I was like, "A few too many."
He's like, "How much is that?"

I was like, "You know too many?"
He was like, "Yeah."

I was like,
"A few more than that."

He didn't even crack a smile.

I'm not saying I'm Oscar Wilde,
but I'm near blackout.

It was deserving
of some response.

He's patting me down.
He feels my back pocket.

To this day, I have a little
notebook in my back pocket,

and he said, "What is it?"

I'm drunk, so I said,
"That's my joke pad."

And he said "What
the fuck is a joke pad?"

And I said,
"I'm a stand-up comic."

And the second it came out
of my mouth, I was like, "No!"

He was like,
"You're a comedian?"

I said, "Yeah."

He goes,
"We'll see about that."

Takes the joke book
out of my back pocket

and starts reading
the jokes out loud,

and after every joke,
his partner would go,

"Worst piece of shit
I've ever heard."

The two guys handcuffed
next to me

are now laughing hysterically.

They were supposed
to be on my side.

They flipped, and it only
went on 2 or 3 minutes,

but it felt longer.
This guy has got no delivery.

He's kind of
butchering what I do.

Finally they uncuff me.

They uncuff the other guys.

They keep my joke book,
but they let us go,

and the second they drive away,
one of the guys

I'm handcuffed
with turns to me,

and he goes, "Holy shit, dude.

I had cocaine on me,

but they didn't search me
because of your shitty jokes."

Thank you so much, guys.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

Man: ♪ She looked me
in the eye and said ♪

Woman: ♪ Meet me at the end
of the road ♪

♪♪

So what'd you think
of the show?

I prefer Lil Rel.

Man: ♪ What should I do
if the end is so near ♪

♪ "Don't be alone," she said,
"There's nothing to fear" ♪

♪ We'll make new memories
in a world built for two ♪

♪ And start all over
with this rendezvous ♪

♪ Then she took me
by the hand and sang ♪

Woman: ♪ Meet me at the end
of the road ♪